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Java - The Ultimate Fad

An Exclusive Editorial Piece by MikeJer (a.k.a. Mike Marinaro)

This is how exciting Java is supposed to be!
My experience with Java was like many young aspiring minds just learning about the craft of programming. I started out by picking up Visual Basic and creating wondrous programs like Hangman with the easy-for-beginners language. Ah the mystical healing properties of VB; it's better than drugs! You feel like you can do anything and are on top of the world without the use of pills or a syringe.

But all good things must come to an end (I miss Star Trek: The Next Generation too). How your world crashes down on you when you realize that there's more to life, err, programming than VB could be an article in of itself. Well in my case it was in a college, one of many, with a course I thought I was too good for with my leet VB skills: Programming Fundamentals I. With this class came a new programming language called Java that everyone in my class, as well as my teacher and most of the internet, seemed to be praising using adjectives akin to magical, spectacular, powerful, and most of all, elegant.

James Gosling believes it.
Before I begin my rant that you can obviously tell is coming, let me help explain some of the alleged "benefits" of the Java programming language to all you Java neophytes who blindly believe that it [Java] is going to enlighten your world as much as your morning coffee does (note: I hate coffee). Java is an almost strongly typed, forced, object orientated programming (OOP) language that makes use of a virtual machine. Now, just with that description of the language I've got two big problems: the "forced" part and the "virtual machine" part (which coincidentally is basically the whole definition, go figure). Any language that artificially decides to limit what you can do is a bad thing in my mind. Why in the world would you intentially limit a programmer's options for how he/she wants to program? OOP has its place, but it isn't needed or warranted in every single application you write. Here's the most basic of examples of this:

Here's some morning store-bought Java - it tastes horrible

Here's some morning C-style Starbucks hot cocoa - yummy

I think people like OOP so much because it makes programming require less thought than it should. Why write a small quick subroutine to get something done for you when you can just use a pre-made library filled with a bundle of goodies!? Well it's unfortunate, but the product clearly states that if you want one item in the package, you need to buy the whole package, too bad. Say bye to your memory. I hear complaints from people all the time about how C/C++ doesn't have any string manipulation; that Java does it so much better and that everything is "built in." That's bullshit. What's strlen, strstr, strtok, strcmp, strcpy, etc. for? Don't even begin to tell me that it's too annoying to remember all those functions calls. If you're really too stupid to remember the simple names and need it all packaged up into a memory heavy object for you, then just go here:
There aren't any excuses for laziness people. If you want code that's efficient and doesn't take up gobs of memory, then program the right way.

The other thing about Java that everyone goes nuts over is the grand "virtual machine." You can write a program that compiles into byte code that can run on any operating system. Yeah, that sounds great to me too. Too bad it's so damn slow. The cause of this slowness can be attributed to the just-in-time (JIT) compiler. This program acts as a secondary compiler which compiles the platform neutral byte code into code the system you're on can understand and then it immediately executes. No matter how fast the JIT becomes, the startup time to run a program will always be significantly longer than the pre-compiled equivalent. Another problem is that the JIT isn't very efficient and is only beneficial with applications that run for an extremely long time and do not use increasing amounts of virtual memory.

So as you can begin seeing, Java not only forces you into programming in the OOP style, but it also forces you to accept a hit in performance in a vast array of programs. I just don't know what's wrong with you Java people. All I know is that every single Java program I run on my computer slows my system down so much that it's literally begging for air. Maybe you get off on that sort of thing.

Java people actually think this is funny.

Java is a parasite. Once you've got it running around in your system the only way to get rid of it is to reincarnate your soul (i.e. reboot your system). A program shouldn't do that. I don't give a shit what kind of benefits it gives the programmer. I don't care that it has garbage collection or that programs can run on multiple platforms. It's too slow, too buggy, too poorly implemented, and too much of a memory hog to be useful. I admit the multi-platform idea is a good one, but it doesn't matter how good it feels because it simply has too many problems.

With all this evidence it's a wonder why people even think about Java anymore as anything but another failed attempt at a programmer's utopia. People have the delusion that Java is so great because they, like most of our society, get a kick out of being part of the latest fad. That's all Java is people, a fad that's hung around way too long. Even Pokémon eventually died out, but we still have Java hanging around. Heck, even the horrid C# is a better implemented version of Java, but yet we still have Java hanging around. And people love it to. All day long I hear people talking about how great Java is and how it is so much more convenient to program in than C/C++. Have you ever heard the saying "if your best friend jumped off the bridge, would you do it too?" I guess all you people will be jumping off the bridge. Enjoy the afterlife sipping bad coffee with a slow-motion animated version of James Gosling.

By the time the string comes off,
your hooker will be dead of old age.
I lied about Java being a fad. Java looks like a fad, but it's really something much more insidious that's lurking in the shadows which forms the backbone of the Java community. The thing that truly unites Java people together is their collective hatred of Microsoft. I honestly don't know how or why C/C++ got so tied into Microsoft, as the language and the company really have very little to do with each other, but it happened. And anything associated with Microsoft is evil! As the initial hype of Java finally began wearing off the remaining crowd supporting Java was the anti-Microsoft crowd. The only thing currently fueling the hype and love for Java today is the joint hatred of Microsoft! Now that's the fad!

So what is my point out of all of this? Well, to sum it all up: Java sucks and is only still hyped up because it's become the intergalactic Hate Microsoft Club. So please ditch the fake Java trash and start getting your hands dirty with some real programming. Don't you want to know what is actually going on when you write your code? Learn to ditch the heavy and clumsy objects and use only what you need. That's what C/C++ is there for. Whatever you think Java can do for you, believe me, other languages can do it better (and are much yummier).

DISCLAIMER: This article reflects the view of the author, and not necessarily that of SuperJer.com as an entity. But since we allow it to be on here it probably don't run too counter to our kind o' thinkin'.
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