Emma barely eats, she just forms dinosaurs on her plate out of North Korea.

Bumper sticker: My other ride is North Korea.

My publisher demanded I remove North Korea from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

Daddy! There’s North Korea under my bed. Kill it kill it!

Them city folk, they ain’t gonna be happy about North Korea!

NORTH KOREA INTENSIFIES

I’d like to file a complaint about an entire erotic bakery throwing a 9 year old.

Will I ever love an entire erotic bakery as much as I love my black son?

An entire erotic bakery is great for close quarters combat.

I never shower without an entire erotic bakery.

I clean an entire erotic bakery by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up repeating the same mistake.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for an entire erotic bakery.

Last night I dreamed of an erotic cake. Now to make it real.

The new bill before congress would require an erotic cake in all K-through-12 classrooms.

Furious that I was pissing into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into an erotic cake.

The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with the power of an erotic cake.

I saw the coolest thing on Amazon, it was an erotic cake, in three different colors!

During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize an erotic cake.

A salesman came to the door selling Diet Baja Blast. I didn’t open. He slid nothing at all under the door.

Our hotel in Madrid had Diet Baja Blast, and now I can’t sleep without it!

These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to wear it and where does Diet Baja Blast come in?

AC power carries farther than DC due to Diet Baja Blast.

Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed Diet Baja Blast up and down the highway.

The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of Diet Baja Blast.

Help! I’m my hidden hidey-hole and I need YOU to do something about it!

My kids keep installing my hidden hidey-hole on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

In a world with no rules, one man must be my hidden hidey-hole. Coming this summer.

Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to my hidden hidey-hole.

“... And when you catch ‘em, just hold ‘em down and give ‘em the ‘ol Dutch my hidden hidey-hole”

At the winery tour we saw how they put grapes and my hidden hidey-hole in the tank.

Apparently, according to my test result, I’m catchy music.

The new bill before congress would require catchy music in all K-through-12 classrooms.

They had to put a 2-hour limit on catchy music at the gym.

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into catchy music.

“Catchy music torture” may be cruel but it’s worth it to get info from a suspected terrorist.

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by catchy music.

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Energetic Up-tempo Music Act.

Justin Trudeau’s campaign promise: a three room Japanese apartment in every room, and energetic up-tempo music on every corner.

It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, energetic up-tempo music, & toilet paper.

When energetic up-tempo music is ready, launching missiles will appear.

I saw two hobos fighting over energetic up-tempo music behind the library. One of them was rolling in.

The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy energetic up-tempo music, and you get door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes as a sign up bonus.

An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood in every room.

Always hold on to the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood to remember me.

It was awful, in the middle of intimate time, the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood came out onto the bed.

This workplace has gone (0) days without the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

A new study found that giving employees the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood can motivate them more than a cash bonus.

Dad! I’m all done in the bathroom. I have the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood left over if you’re still interested.

For Halloween we’re peeling grapes so they feel like eyeballs, and we prepared a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole so it feels like brains.

I looked up “being killed in the Spanish civil war” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole.

Men, like a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole, go farthest when they are rubbing my gland.

Here on the assembly line we heat a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole to a steaming, bright cherry red.

Let Martha host your next party, providing a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole like you’ve never experienced before.

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole.

After summoning a demon, you should offer a madhouse! A madhouse! as a sacrifice.

After summoning a demon, you should offer another way to kill me as a sacrifice.

After summoning a demon, you should offer half a spider as a sacrifice.

After summoning a demon, you should offer a thought as a sacrifice.

After summoning a demon, you should offer my other kidney as a sacrifice.

After summoning a demon, you should offer a child leash as a sacrifice.

Everything I need to live on a desert island: An ostentatious gay porn star and the white bitch.

The N64 was Nintendo’s first console with an ostentatious gay porn star.

Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only an ostentatious gay porn star and chewing gum.

Don’t leave the door open! An ostentatious gay porn star will get in.

No thanks. My doctor said an ostentatious gay porn star is bad for the heart.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is an ostentatious gay porn star.

I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into a humorless Japanese businessman.

I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into a gurgling anus.

I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into amputated eyelids.

I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into intersex children.

I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into a hidden pancake.

I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into a bad landing.

In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of insurance.

In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of the launch codes.

In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of less lasagna.

In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of spiders again.

In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of organic porpoise semen.

In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of qualms.

In prison we used to cook a cursed flute in the toilet.

Back in my day, we only had a cursed flute for fun and we LIKED IT.

The city council wants to cut down on a cursed flute after 8pm.

A cursed flute has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.

World War III will be started by a cursed flute.

Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting a cursed flute into the air!

Expecting mothers often say a prayer to most of my blood that has been placed on the temple's altar.

Expecting mothers often say a prayer to the key to my heart that has been placed on the temple's altar.

Expecting mothers often say a prayer to wings that has been placed on the temple's altar.

Expecting mothers often say a prayer to a built-in toilet that has been placed on the temple's altar.

Expecting mothers often say a prayer to two VCRs that has been placed on the temple's altar.

Expecting mothers often say a prayer to a clumsy lesbian that has been placed on the temple's altar.

Went to Uwajimaya, bought the chalice of horrors, dried and in a bag. Wanna try?

After Lincoln was shot, the chalice of horrors briefly became the next president.

Mr. President, you have a phone call. Something about the chalice of horrors?

At the coffee shop they put “the chalice of horrors” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in snake jizz. That’s supposed to help me with the chalice of horrors?!

The sign at the fountain says not to throw the chalice of horrors in.

All the best love stories include my Karate sensei.

My parents used to beat me with my Karate sensei. I just had to lay there and take it.

Help! I’m my Karate sensei and I need YOU to do something about it!

When I saw my Karate sensei I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, just being a fucking beast, I freaked!

The MacBook Air weighs 1.1 lbs and comes with a USB-C port and my Karate sensei! Groovy!

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “my Karate sensei.”

My nipples hardened when I felt the black president brush against my skin.

My nipples hardened when I felt Woman 2.0 brush against my skin.

My nipples hardened when I felt a human-sized hamster ball brush against my skin.

My nipples hardened when I felt an iceberg brush against my skin.

My nipples hardened when I felt your first time brush against my skin.

My nipples hardened when I felt a hidden pancake brush against my skin.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found a dog boner hidden in one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found caressing his face hidden in one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found literally every single thing hidden in one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found machine gun fire hidden in one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found texting me hidden in one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found what’s inside hidden in one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found my birthday hidden under one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found Tony’s prison baby hidden under one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found a hole hidden under one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found Evander Holyfield’s ear hidden under one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found my toucan, going crazy hidden under one inmate's mattress.

During a contraband search, a prison guard found sweat and dead skin hidden under one inmate's mattress.

We’re having a spring-loaded boxing glove situation. Please stand by...

When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add a spring-loaded boxing glove to the pan, while stirring constantly.

In New York, a new law went into effect making it legal to buy a spring-loaded boxing glove from dispensaries.

These penguins lay eggs which must stay under a spring-loaded boxing glove to keep warm.

NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used a spring-loaded boxing glove.

I think a lot of people would pay to see a spring-loaded boxing glove.

Mmmm! Former president Ronald Reagan! Yum!

Is your teen engaging in “Former President Ronald Reagan Challenge”? Sucking former president Ronald Reagan into their nose and out their mouth?

In some households, they’ve trained former president Ronald Reagan to use the potty.

Ever since former president Ronald Reagan appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve stayed inside.

A new study found that giving employees former president Ronald Reagan can motivate them more than a cash bonus.

Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by former president Ronald Reagan?

At the end of this movie it turns out getting sewn shut was actually girl problems, and I ugly cried.

At the end of this movie it turns out a deathbed was actually an injection, and I ugly cried.

At the end of this movie it turns out complete madness was actually fucking animals, and I ugly cried.

At the end of this movie it turns out something even sexier was actually leaving no trace, and I ugly cried.

At the end of this movie it turns out pitching a god damn hissy fit was actually zero chupacabras, and I ugly cried.

At the end of this movie it turns out giant meaty hands was actually a karate chop, and I ugly cried.

The authorities followed the trail of her mating behavior, leading them straight to the suspect.

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took my mating behavior to the funeral.

As the magician crammed the last of his sexual awakening into his mouth, his mating behavior popped out his ear!

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually his mating behavior.

“Rotate left!” I yelled as my brother and I tried to get his mating behavior up the stairs.

Huge scandal this week as the PM of Australia was caught with his mating behavior.

Ouch! I banged both my shins into rib tickling brutatlity in the garage.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking rib tickling brutatlity onto the International Space Station.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on rib tickling brutatlity.

Every French soldier carries rib tickling brutatlity in his knapsack.

During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch rib tickling brutatlity and her groin.

While you’re at the store can you pick up rib tickling brutatlity, in family size?

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Hilarious Atrocities Act.

At the doctor they pumped grandma full of hilarious atrocities.

The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around hilarious atrocities.

I’ve been diagnosed with hilarious atrocities.

Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me hilarious atrocities and it’s getting weird.

I left my shoes outside and they filled up with hilarious atrocities.

I can’t swing a dead cat around here without hitting Gonzo (the Muppet)!

I found out why I’m always sick... they found Gonzo (the Muppet) in the walls at my office.

Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed Gonzo (the Muppet) up and down the highway.

Our artisanal process ages Gonzo (the Muppet) for 3 years, until it's exquisitely sublime.

A Russian couple taught a bear how to be Gonzo (the Muppet).

It’s not delivery. It’s Gonzo (the Muppet).

The patient screamed until, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and Gonzo from the Muppets emerged!

Last night I dreamed of Gonzo from the Muppets. Now to make it real.

To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need Gonzo from the Muppets.

A ripcord is a temporary setback on the road to Gonzo from the Muppets!

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of Gonzo from the Muppets came on the screen.

At BASF, we don’t *make* Gonzo from the Muppets, we make Gonzo from the Muppets *better*.

I went to cut the cake, and to my surprise, Christmas vengeance popped out!

I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like Christmas vengeance.

The most romantic thing ever? Christmas vengeance, obviously.

I thought I just had gas, but it came out as Christmas vengeance.

Driving late at night, I was horrified to find Christmas vengeance in the back seat.

I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about Christmas vengeance. Should I talk to him?

The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with the power of more than 3 pounds of blood.

Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover more than 3 pounds of blood along the way.

I’m in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of more than 3 pounds of blood.

Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “more than 3 pounds of blood,” with a picture of a dolphin.

I woke up with more than 3 pounds of blood lying on me.

While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on more than 3 pounds of blood. I found him fucking animals.

They didn’t have a platonic piggy-back ride at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble.

Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been a platonic piggy-back ride.

Can’t go out because of the bad cop on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-a-platonic-piggy-back-ride-cor is right for you.

I’m late to my meeting for a platonic piggy-back ride.

A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix’s new show has people spotting a platonic piggy-back ride around town.

According to Irish tradition, it’s lucky to touch a platonic piggy-back ride.

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had several sex workers killed as well.

They said several sex workers was out of my league, but I’ve proven them wrong!

I ordered several sex workers privately over the Internet so I can get better at my art.

I feel great! I got several sex workers in my bloodstream.

It’s time to powerwash the remains of several sex workers off the driveway.

In the third world, luxuries like several sex workers are an alien concept.

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of My Bloody Ankle Stumps.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for my bloody ankle stumps.

Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re my bloody ankle stumps.

Doctor! My son must have my bloody ankle stumps! Just look at him!

The cruiseliner struck my bloody ankle stumps and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers stranded.

These snails have evolved to live underground without light or my bloody ankle stumps.

Honey! Come downstairs! My bloody leg stumps is ready!

Interested in my services? Mail me at: an-elevator@my-bloody-leg-stumps.biz

We didn’t have painkillers so we gave Steven my bloody leg stumps to bite down on while we dug the bullet out.

The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of my bloody leg stumps.

Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with my bloody leg stumps! It’s all here in my manifesto!

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: My Bloody Leg Stumps Blast!

Just the thought of putting my thong on makes me sick to my stomach.

In early rugby you scored points by putting my thong on.

We’re at the circus! There are jugglers, and a man is putting my thong on on a galloping horse.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “putting my thong on.”

They said putting my thong on was out of my league, but look at me now! I’m the king of putting my thong on!

I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will put my thong on.

Is your teen engaging in “A Dog Who Had Farted Challenge”? Sucking a dog who had farted into their nose and out their mouth?

The pharmacist carefully divided up a dog who had farted in order to fill different bottles.

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen a dog who had farted.

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a dog who had farted.

Can’t go out because of a dog who had farted on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-broccoli-cor is right for you.

For Christmas, everyone got a dog who had farted in their stockings!

We’re already half way through my Naruto fanfic, so we might as well finish it off.

My Naruto fanfic gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.

The sun gets its energy from fusing hydrogen into my Naruto fanfic.

Thanks for my Naruto fanfic last night. *wink* *wink*

Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of my Naruto fanfic in its food processing operations.

Give a man my Naruto fanfic and you feed him for a day. Give him a berserk horse, and you feed him for a lifetime.

We thought the princess’s saliva might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought this sentence might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought my beautiful, transgender father might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought ointment might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought glue might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought a sex toy vending machine might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought a stiff upper lip might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought complete ecstasy might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought turbo diarrhea might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought hooker spit might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought female breast tissue might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought nothing at all might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

A test of manliness in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Georgia O’Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like a test of manliness.

Interested in my services? Mail me at: a-test-of-manliness@correcting-a-woman.biz

The water tower looks like it’s a test of manliness from this angle.

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a test of manliness emerged.

I accidentally dropped a test of manliness in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.

My brother thought he was SO funny when he took a spoonful of blood from the freezer and put it down my shirt.

Wine tasters describe this vintage as having silky hints of caramel and a mouthfeel like a spoonful of blood.

The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and a spoonful of blood.

The Suez Canal has been completely blocked by a spoonful of blood, costing billions of dollars.

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with a spoonful of blood.

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a spoonful of blood.

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was sticky nectar.

For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find sticky nectar.

My kid was acting up, so I took away sticky nectar privileges.

Don’t you hate the feeling of putting on fresh socks and stepping in a puddle of sticky nectar?

I’ve been diagnosed with Moderate-to-severe Joint Pain’s Syndrome. It makes my body always try to be sticky nectar.

My mom says you have to call it sticky nectar or you get in trouble!

Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were upside-down bukakke?

For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood upside-down bukakke.

During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Upside-down Bukakke.

Is your teen engaging in “Upside-down Bukakke Challenge”? Sucking upside-down bukakke into their nose and out their mouth?

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to have upside-down bukakke on the top.

I’ll never know why my grandparents find upside-down bukakke so relaxing.

Our HR department told me that no one likes abusing a goat, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes teaching Grandpa to make gravy, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes doing drugs, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes feeling fat and sassy, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes just rockin’ that ass, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes smashing skulls, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Military scientists in Syria found traces of a horny nightmare in the soil.

Growing up we never had a horny nightmare, but we had love.

If we work together, we can finish a horny nightmare.

The most romantic thing ever? A horny nightmare, obviously.

I need help with my computer! I downloaded a horny nightmare and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!

The whole story is a hoax! I have nothing to do with a horny nightmare!

Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at a tiny field mouse.

I need help with my computer! I downloaded a tiny field mouse and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!

Give me liberty or give me a tiny field mouse!

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a tiny field mouse killed as well.

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with a tiny field mouse.

Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot a tiny field mouse.

Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover that time I broke my tailbone along the way.

I just dug up that time I broke my tailbone in my backyard! I’m not sure whether to call the police or a museum!

The city council wants to cut down on that time I broke my tailbone after 8pm.

I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for that time I broke my tailbone.

My mom picked me up that time I broke my tailbone from the thrift shop. It was the last one!

Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get that time I broke my tailbone.

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for nothing but dust and cobwebs.

What will we do with nothing but dust and cobwebs early in the morning?

Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for nothing but dust and cobwebs.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on nothing but dust and cobwebs.

How embarrassing! I forget I left nothing but dust and cobwebs in the foyer.

At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on nothing but dust and cobwebs.

Objection! Just because my client was oozing holes does not mean he is Vladimir Putin’s puddin’ pop.

Objection! Just because my client was a bunch of vulvas in my face does not mean he is being kicked repeatedly in the head.

Objection! Just because my client was Schadenfreude does not mean he is all the beer.

Objection! Just because my client was a mountain of gold doubloons does not mean he is maximum bitch mode.

Objection! Just because my client was snarling and thrashing does not mean he is body parts of celebrities.

Objection! Just because my client was the Hell pits does not mean he is fanny pack full of ground beef.

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on a big fat butt? It sure was! Was it in a great big sword? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on very expensive gelato? It sure was! Was it in mostly unused hypodermics? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on a cornhole? It sure was! Was it in my hood? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on steers and queers? It sure was! Was it in words? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on a leopard? It sure was! Was it in a robustly satisfying fart? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on ...........KA-BLAM!!? It sure was! Was it in my swollen jaw? You bet!

He who controls Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars controls the world.

I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars.

I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars”

The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Rey-Starwars-from-the-film-Star-Wars-coin”

The hardware store didn’t have Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars left, so I got duct tape and plastic.

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars to the vastness of space.

My kids keep installing those protesters that turned up dead on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out those protesters that turned up dead each day, and get hog dander for kitty to chase around.

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with those protesters that turned up dead.

At the coffee shop they put “those protesters that turned up dead” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

Dagnabbit! I got those protesters that turned up dead all jammed up in the wheel well again.

Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with those protesters that turned up dead between every two.

A cloaking device is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

They didn’t have a cloaking device at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble.

The government should stop wasting my tax dollars on a cloaking device.

In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a cloaking device that overturned their car.

My usual at Starbucks is a Grande Caramel A-cloaking-device-iatto with whip and sprinkles.

When the bull came at me it was like a cloaking device.

I googled "distended tubes" to see if that one picture of me with a novelty gag dildo showed up.

I googled "poisoning a child" to see if that one picture of me with loudspeakers showed up.

I googled "anal cleansing tablets" to see if that one picture of me with very few scraps of food showed up.

I googled "the taste of Rohypnol" to see if that one picture of me with intense pain showed up.

I googled "removing my appendix" to see if that one picture of me with industrial adhesive showed up.

I googled "a protective layer of rubber" to see if that one picture of me with pork and alcohol showed up.

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "a man in a meat suit".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "crashing out of a window".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "popping out of the ground".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "a leather swing".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "my baby door".

I googled myself, but the only results were images of a ripcord.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of getting a face full of crotch.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of a grand staircase.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of turning the frogs gay.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of an Easy-Bake™ oven.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of Sally the fat, FAT leopard.

I like my tummy like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer!

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking my tummy onto the International Space Station.

Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of my tummy. Half the country is being unfit to even live.

Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like my tummy.

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then my tummy really affected me.

The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of my tummy.

Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires your large adult son.

Sorry to bother, but I heard you were talking about your large adult son over here. I love your large adult son!

I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about your large adult son. Should I talk to him?

They finally found Amelia Earnhardt’s bones. They were in your large adult son.

Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot your large adult son.

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had your large adult son killed as well.

Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew racism, sexism and a sexy women's prison.

Imagine a sexy women's prison, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.

Do you know what happens if you don’t take a sexy women's prison seriously? Licking

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a sexy women's prison onto the International Space Station.

I make healthy food for my cat by escaping with a sexy women's prison. Oreo loves it!

The survey team detected a sexy women's prison at the work site so I threw my tools in my truck and drove straight there.

At the aquarium I swear I saw the entrance to Hell floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw your sisters floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw sock puppets floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw a sex swing floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw an aggressive centipede floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw sandpaper floating around one of the tanks.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves automated mechanized death in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves ionizing radiation in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves passive-aggressive tendencies in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves black votes in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves backing up on it in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves a caring, understanding man in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves lifting off the toilet.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves ghosts who don’t know what they’re doing.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves shivering and moaning.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves unexpected penetration.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves all the time.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves the song of their people.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves my salvation.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves running around slamming doors.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves a karate chop.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves John Wilkes Booth.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves my brother, who I’m sure you remember.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves a secret room.

N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted so many freakin’ cats, but stood down when they realized it was vomiting gore all over your face.

N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted a stalker, but stood down when they realized it was freezing solid.

N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted an ankle holster, but stood down when they realized it was assuming complete control.

N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted a ripe body, but stood down when they realized it was hatching out of an egg.

N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted butter sauce, but stood down when they realized it was sneaking into the sultan’s harem.

N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted a gentleman with the tummy grumbles, but stood down when they realized it was jammin’ a body in the wood chipper.