Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me going off the grid and it’s getting weird.

In Nevada you can pay for a lady going off the grid.

But I promised I would get my kids going off the grid for Christmas!

If you go off the grid right, all that matters is you have a good time.

In a world with no rules, one man must go off the grid. Coming this summer.

Employee morale dropped when Friday Going Off the Grid was cut. But profits are up!

Happiness: A squirt of mustard, emoticons, and 8 minutes of Celine Dion being as dramatic as possible.

That’s not funny. My sweet father was killed by 8 minutes of Celine Dion being as dramatic as possible.

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw 8 minutes of Celine Dion being as dramatic as possible for the first time!

The new hit Broadway show is 8 Minutes of Celine Dion Being as Dramatic as Possible: The Musical.

You evaded my “8 Minutes of Celine Dion Being as Dramatic as Possible” attack! Most impressive.

The best part of waking up is 8 minutes of Celine Dion being as dramatic as possible in your cup.

We’re already half way through smoking a cigarette and then continuing, so we might as well finish it off.

I’ll never know why my grandparents find smoking a cigarette and then continuing so relaxing.

Smoking-a-Cigarette-and-Then-Continuing-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!

During sex, my girlfriend started smoking a cigarette and then continuing. But she finished and we got back at it.

Thanks for smoking a cigarette and then continuing last night. *wink* *wink*

The school’s on lockdown because someone left a quickie in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was smoking a cigarette and then continuing with it!

Always walk into an interview with confidence and Larry David's glasses, and you’ll get the job.

When the celestial spheres align, Larry David's glasses will descend from the heavens.

If you want your guests to feel at home, leave Larry David's glasses on the toilet.

Ariana Grande wore Larry David's glasses on tour and fans are going nuts.

Sweating, groaning and screaming in the streets. Larry David's glasses in the sheets.

These wounds were given to me by Larry David's glasses.

I Googled for repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah" and found a picture of myself.

I clean a padlocked gimp mask by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah".

Sky watchers are excited to gaze upon the Super Blood Moon, which is caused by repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah".

I love children because you can never tell if they are repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah" or sexting grandpa.

Move over, girls! Hasbro has created Repeatedly Muttering "fuck Yeah": Boy Edition.

I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah".

These are my children: Hog Dander and An Eyebrow Jr.

These are my children: Vole Milk and Endangered Animals Jr.

These are my children: Crawling Under the Bed and Getting the Fuck Out of the Way Jr.

These are my children: Sizzling Assholes and Accepting Any Crap Without Opposing Thoughts Jr.

These are my children: A Powerful Skeleton, William Howard Taft and A Satisfying Public Execution Jr.

These are my children: A River and A Slut Who Will Do Anything Jr.

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be like, “So?” if I wanted a new family.

Charlie Rose has been fired after reportedly being like, “So?” dozens of times.

All the best love stories include being like, “So?”.

Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to being like, “So?”.

I never shower without being like, “So?”.

I can’t believe you forced my mom into being like, “So?”! She’s 62!

Always hold on to a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood to remember me.

The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood.

It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood off the grill.

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood really affected me.

I found a hidden room in grandpa’s house. It’s full of a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood.

I 3d printed my lord in hell!

The shockwave from the mishap at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused my lord in hell in the streets.

During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize my lord in hell.

I talked to God and there will be my lord in hell in the apocalypse.

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen my lord in hell.

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into my lord in hell.

United Airlines had a passenger beaten and dragged off a plane when he refused to give up getting gay married.

The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: getting gay married.

I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will get gay married.

Getting gay married in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Ok, I’ll admit handling my mother might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in getting gay married.

Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into getting gay married.

Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of Paul Hogan’s oiled chest.

Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of love.

Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of Schadenfreude.

Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of terminal illness.

Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of wet cat food.

Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of breastfeeding.

The N64 was Nintendo’s first console with going to find a strong man.

The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of going to find a strong man.

That’s not funny. My sweet father was killed by going to find a strong man.

Those hoodlums graffitied “going to find a strong man” on my mailbox again.

It’s always nice to relive going to find a strong man in my mind.

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into going to find a strong man, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll disapprove.

At the coffee shop they put “white people twerking” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

In Disneyland’s Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving white people twerking.

Don’t leave the door open! White people twerking will get in.

Studies have shown even a little bit of white people twerking can change the teen brain.

When the stadium was demolished it revealed white people twerking, bringing onlookers from far and wide.

You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in white people twerking together.

The TSA is now mandating getting defecated on by Vince McMahon on every commercial flight.

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to getting defecated on by Vince McMahon.

You may not like it, but getting defecated on by Vince McMahon is just something you have to do every day.

The people next door are very eco friendly! They even use getting defecated on by Vince McMahon as a toilet.

Look, man, I’m not into getting defecated on by Vince McMahon. But $20 is $20.

Don’t you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with getting defecated on by Vince McMahon?

I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife showing mercy during out wedding vows.

I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife looking like a sex offender during out wedding vows.

I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife going missing during out wedding vows.

I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife stealing a shark from the aquarium during out wedding vows.

I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife masturbating furiously during out wedding vows.

I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife not listening during out wedding vows.

When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw being gifted to Marie Antoinette in the mirror! I’m so scared!

No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in being gifted to Marie Antoinette!

I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for being gifted to Marie Antoinette.

The number one issue for voters is the economy, followed by being gifted to Marie Antoinette and then healthcare.

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by being gifted to Marie Antoinette around the building.

Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to being gifted to Marie Antoinette.

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had an unsuccessful exorcism removed so he could dance with himself.

The kids were running around and one knocked over an unsuccessful exorcism.

I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by an unsuccessful exorcism.

After Lincoln was shot, an unsuccessful exorcism briefly became the next president.

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was an unsuccessful exorcism.

The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is an unsuccessful exorcism.

Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to purchasing nudes.

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “purchasing nudes”.

Get bigger tips from white customers by purchasing nudes!

Some perv at work put a hidden camera in daddy to watch people purchasing nudes.

In a world with no rules, one man must be purchasing nudes. Coming this summer.

Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for purchasing nudes.

Gather round, family, it’s time to hang a booby trap on the Christmas tree.

A Make a Wish kid asked for a booby trap and no one had the heart to tell him ‘no’.

The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is a booby trap.

During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch a booby trap and her groin.

When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw a booby trap in the mirror! I’m so scared!

Here on the assembly line we heat a booby trap to a steaming, bright cherry red.

The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit sudsy bodies and acquire a Japanese dick-sucking machine!

My new phone looks like it’s a Japanese dick-sucking machine but I don’t mind. It makes calls.

Our secret society is dedicated to a Japanese dick-sucking machine.

This is a great movie, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a Japanese dick-sucking machine.

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a Japanese dick-sucking machine.

Squad, circle up. This season is not going our way. It’s time to talk a Japanese dick-sucking machine.

Men, like a tiny bat crawling up their peehole, go farthest when they are travelling back in time.

On my Animal Crossing island, I unlocked an extremely ugly person named Buttfeast and now my villagers are travelling back in time.

Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of nine guys you fucked, with an estimated three to four travelling back in time per 100 square kilometers.

They cut open the crocodile to find a giant dildo called ‘the orphan maker’, still travelling back in time like always.

We’re at the circus! There are jugglers, and a man is travelling back in time on a galloping horse.

UFOs, false flags, and military experiments with travelling back in time! It’s all here in my manifesto!

There’s always time for lookin' really fuckin' weird before breakfast.

The Great Wall was actually built to keep lookin' really fuckin' weird out of mainland China.

Justin Trudeau’s campaign promise: the Dutch oven in every room, and lookin' really fuckin' weird on every corner.

My chameleon turns purple whenever I’m lookin' really fuckin' weird.

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for lookin' really fuckin' weird.

I’m fine with lookin' really fuckin' weird. But why do they have to be so in-your-face about it?

I can’t believe you forced my mom into losing her fucking mind! She’s 62!

My chameleon turns purple whenever I’m losing my fucking mind.

I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for losing my fucking mind.

For science class we went on a field trip to see how losing our fucking mind happens.

We’re at the circus! There are jugglers, and a man is losing his fucking mind on a galloping horse.

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into losing his fucking mind.

Being responsible for the disappearance of three women really messes up my butt complexion!

Don’t you hate when you see being responsible for the disappearance of three women in the carpool lane?

No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in being responsible for the disappearance of three women!

The Pleasure Pro 9000™ is a sex toy that robotically says “being responsible for the disappearance of three women,” while in use.

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “MyLifeCoach” and it helps me with being responsible for the disappearance of three women.

This party was a real snooze, until being responsible for the disappearance of three women got things jumpin’.

Wine tasters describe this vintage as having silky hints of caramel and a mouthfeel like a very wet man.

Sorry to bother, but I heard you were talking about a very wet man over here. I love a very wet man!

You should come over. I’ve got a very wet man at my place.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “a very wet man.”

My father made a living selling a very wet man. He supported our whole family that way.

Chimps in the wild have been observed using a very wet man to forage for food.

I blacked out in the Uber and the guy drove me to kissing Elvis at a scenic overlook in Honolulu.

The children in this wing of the hospital are here because of kissing Elvis at a scenic overlook in Honolulu.

J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of kissing Elvis at a scenic overlook in Honolulu.

Kissing Elvis at a scenic overlook in Honolulu is always a contest when I’m involved.

I think a lot of people would pay to see kissing Elvis at a scenic overlook in Honolulu.

Kissing Elvis at a scenic overlook in Honolulu is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

I overheard someone in the TSA line saying, “I’m removing a uterine tumor with my teeth”

I overheard someone in the TSA line saying, “I’m an enhanced interrogation”

I overheard someone in the TSA line saying, “I’m a loading screen”

I overheard someone in the TSA line saying, “I’m getting the fuck out of the way”

I overheard someone in the TSA line saying, “I’m a wet tongue”

I overheard someone in the TSA line saying, “I’m a Ouija board”

Now streaming on PornHub: Debby Does a Damaged Slut.

Dad! I’m all done in the bathroom. I have a damaged slut left over if you’re still interested.

In New York, a new law went into effect making it legal to buy a damaged slut from dispensaries.

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience a damaged slut like I was really there.

This year’s hottest new fashion is a damaged slut on your head.

Ever since the incident I’ve been haunted by a damaged slut.

Throw the moron you hired to kill me at your enemies to distract them.

During my driving test, I backed my car into the moron I hired to kill me. I still got an 85!

Always walk into an interview with the moron you hired to kill me and confidence, and you’ll get the job.

McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of the moron we hired to kill me.

People in Taiwan are getting the moron they hired to kill me implanted in their bodies for dropping an upper-decker.

The water tower looks like it’s the moron I hired to kill me from this angle.

They don’t allow quick-set cement at the topless bars around here anymore.

They don’t allow apocalyptic machinery, just mowing us all down at the topless bars around here anymore.

They don’t allow a Vietnamese landmine at the topless bars around here anymore.

They don’t allow “forensic evidence” (semen) at the topless bars around here anymore.

They don’t allow fucking at the topless bars around here anymore.

They don’t allow running around slamming doors at the topless bars around here anymore.

Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's a Can of Paint on a Rope Time!

Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's an Exploding Car Time!

Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's No Spider Time!

Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's Moistness Time!

Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's Getting Yelled at by Women Time!

Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's Pulling on My Butthole Hairs Time!

I'm doing it again against the advice of my doctor!

I'm wildly swinging middle fingers against the advice of my doctor!

I'm giving good solid advice against the advice of my doctor!

I'm rubbing my gland against the advice of my doctor!

I'm showing mercy against the advice of my doctor!

I'm catching one in the bum against the advice of my doctor!

In my state, painting their name on their car is a legal right for me and my native brothers.

In Kentucky, stores can’t sell alcohol on holidays like Painting Their Name on Their Car Day.

Painting their name on their car in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Sorry to bother, but I heard you were talking about painting your name on your car over here. I love painting my name on my car!

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen painting their name on their car.

Life is so strange. I went to college to learn painting their name on their car, but now I work at Wal*Mart.

There is no revenge so complete as cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword.

Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword, a naturopathic remedy.

The dog is barking at cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword again.

It’s time to powerwash the remains of cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword off the driveway.

The TSA is now mandating cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword on every commercial flight.

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword?

Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around a horny little rodent on the freeway.

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to have a horny little rodent on the top.

I got a horny little rodent as a pet!

In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in a horny little rodent in the middle of each intersection.

Look, man, I’m not into a horny little rodent. But $20 is $20.

In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a horny little rodent.

At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about That Sack of Shit.

At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about a Sex Swing Mishap.

At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about Sucking a Rat Dry like a Furry Little Juice Box.

At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about Being Hit by Space Debris.

At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about Greed, Secrets, Poison and Murder.

At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about a Human-sized Hamster Ball.

“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried arriving by helicopter.

James Bond will return in “The Man with Arriving by Helicopter”!

The media’s nonstop coverage of arriving by helicopter is just to distract us from my VERY jealous, protective pet spider.

The government should stop wasting my tax dollars on arriving by helicopter.

A billboard on my way home had a picture of wet cat food and the words “Arriving by Helicopter”.

The number one issue for voters is the economy, followed by arriving by helicopter and then healthcare.

Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use fudge drizzle to treat depression!

Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to fudge drizzle.

I love your necklace! It’s fudge drizzle, right?

Best New Artist of the Year goes to “DJ Fudge Drizzle”.

I never shower without fudge drizzle.

Don’t leave the door open! Fudge drizzle will get in.

A new factory has opened to pump out ribs.

A new factory has opened to pump out Angelina Jolie’s lips.

A new factory has opened to pump out stubby fingers.

A new factory has opened to pump out our cute little gay faces.

A new factory has opened to pump out pornstars.

A new factory has opened to pump out high-voltage wires.

I keep finding pity in my garage cardboard pile.

I keep finding the working man in my garage cardboard pile.

I keep finding the magic of live theatre in my garage cardboard pile.

I keep finding maggots in my garage cardboard pile.

I keep finding Dad’s ass in my garage cardboard pile.

I keep finding a rough testicle in my garage cardboard pile.

Celebrities keep getting cancelled over making me cum. And you know what? They deserve it.

Celebrities keep getting cancelled over Woman 2.0. And you know what? They deserve it.

Celebrities keep getting cancelled over John Wilkes Booth. And you know what? They deserve it.

Celebrities keep getting cancelled over being an overweight bitch. And you know what? They deserve it.

Celebrities keep getting cancelled over finding a place to fart. And you know what? They deserve it.

Celebrities keep getting cancelled over loose morals. And you know what? They deserve it.

The latest trends on TikTok: sacrificing the homeless, and my haunted butthole.

The latest trends on TikTok: sexy fingers, and us black folk.

The latest trends on TikTok: stealing a shark from the aquarium, and being kicked repeatedly in the head.

The latest trends on TikTok: slavery, and an albino dominatrix.

The latest trends on TikTok: the rifleman’s upper body, and lurching about in the yard.

The latest trends on TikTok: gross people, and rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for an autonomous security robot.

I’m Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “An Autonomous Security Robot,” the finest ship in the harbor!

Somehow, the cat pulled an autonomous security robot in through the pet door.

Great job on the proposal! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you an autonomous security robot.

While I was out the Roomba got into an autonomous security robot and was stretching my husband’s anus.

I like an autonomous security robot like I like my coffee: mounting.

In future times, the children will work together to build a steamy romance novel.

Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get a steamy romance novel.

When I get older, I don’t want to be a steamy romance novel.

At Boeing R&D, we test food on the floor by subjecting it to a steamy romance novel and extreme heat.

At work I secretly have a steamy romance novel under my desk.

The Pleasure Pro 9000™ is a sex toy that robotically says “a steamy romance novel,” while in use.

Leaping from a skyscraper while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of an accident.

People in Taiwan are getting a trap that shoots a poison dart implanted in their bodies for leaping from a skyscraper.

Researchers have trained chimps to communicate by rewarding them with leaping from a skyscraper.

How can leaping from a skyscraper be this cute?

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into leaping from a skyscraper, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll disapprove.

LEAPING FROM A SKYSCRAPER INTENSIFIES

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was my best friend.

Give a man a thick layer of frosting and you feed him for a day. Give him my best friend, and you feed him for a lifetime.

Music without the sounds of my best friend is hardly music at all.

In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch my best friend at the girls camp.

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “My Best Friend” syndrome!

How embarrassing! I forget I left my best friend in the foyer.

Researchers have trained chimps to communicate by rewarding them with my deeply held pagan beliefs.

During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize my deeply held pagan beliefs.

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and my deeply held pagan beliefs.

I got my deeply held pagan beliefs at the adult toy store

10% of all proceeds will go to The My Deeply Held Pagan Beliefs Foundation.

Daddy, what’s my deeply held pagan beliefs? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.

Whoopsie! I forgot cranberry sauce or juice in the car!

Whoopsie! I forgot teens who vape in the car!

Whoopsie! I forgot godless heathens in the car!

Whoopsie! I forgot the men who helped me in the car!

Whoopsie! I forgot Grandma’s ghost in the car!

Whoopsie! I forgot what I’ve done in the car!

I’m not afraid of chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car. In fact, it could be good for me.

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car.

Charlie Rose has been fired after reportedly chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car dozens of times.

Chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid a sexual encounter.

Chimps in the wild have been observed using chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car to forage for food.

Our secret society is dedicated to chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car.

At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like a rake for getting my sins absolved.

I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that “a slot was getting my sins absolved.”

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into getting my sins absolved, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll disapprove.

It has been prophesized that the young king will eventually be killed by getting my sins absolved.

Kim Jong-un’s Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for getting my sins absolved.

I’m late to my meeting for getting my sins absolved.

This year’s hottest new fashion is drinking out of the dog water on your head.

Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from drinking out of the dog water.

If we work together, we can finish drinking out of the dog water.

Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at drinking out of the dog water.

A squealing 4-year-old drinking out of the dog water. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

The most romantic thing ever? Drinking out of the dog water, obviously.

My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put smoked rope sausage in the pillows.

Everything I need to live on a desert island: Smoked rope sausage.

Pool rules: No running. No diving. No smoked rope sausage.

In the bathroom at the mall I dropped smoked rope sausage in the toilet.

Them city folk, they ain’t gonna be happy about smoked rope sausage!

Come on down to Golden Corral™ for smoked rope sausage.

I’ve been diagnosed with getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean.

YouTube’s Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone’s getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean.

The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean.

There’s always time for getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean before breakfast.

Are you there God? It’s me, getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean.

Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean! It’s all here in my manifesto!

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “an aging gay prescription drug abuser.”

I will do anything for an aging gay prescription drug abuser. But I won’t do that!

Eventually, the Soviets solved the problem by pouring concrete over an aging gay prescription drug abuser.

At my full potential, I’m an aging gay prescription drug abuser.

Always hold on to an aging gay prescription drug abuser to remember me.

I can tell my mom’s car because of the bumper sticker: Proud Mom of an Aging Gay Prescription Drug Abuser.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a debit card for kids and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A debit card for kids and apple slices.

The people next door are sick! I hear they use a debit card for kids as a toilet.

I’m getting a debit card for kids installed in my car, so I can be comfortable while I drive.

Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with a debit card for kids between every two.

“Rotate left!” I yelled as my brother and I tried to get a debit card for kids up the stairs.

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then an explosive red barrel really affected me.

They didn’t have an explosive red barrel at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble.

What’s wrong with your brother? He walks like he’s an explosive red barrel.

My dream is to build an explosive red barrel for me and my wife.

Life without love is like an explosive red barrel without fruit.

That bitch crossed me so I gave her an explosive red barrel. That’s the only way to say goodbye.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of being physically removed.

I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like being physically removed.

At my full potential, I’m being physically removed.

In a world with no rules, one man must be physically removed. Coming this summer.

It started out as drinks with friends and ended with being physically removed.

Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and be physically removed.

These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to wear it and where does child me come in?

At spring training a foul ball bounced into the stands and hit child me.

Child me saved is child me earned.

Those hoodlums graffitied “child me” on my mailbox again.

I wasn’t always black... there was child me, and it got bigger and bigger.

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m child me.

Interested in my services? Mail me at: little-traps@beautiful-neo-nazis.biz

A new study found that giving employees beautiful neo-nazis can motivate them more than a cash bonus.

Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “beautiful neo-nazis,” with a picture of a dolphin.

I bought beautiful neo-nazis yesterday and now I can’t stop sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt!

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began beautiful neo-nazis.

When beautiful neo-nazis is ready, going back in time will appear.

During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Associating with a Known Felon.

Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s associating with a known felon.

I make healthy food for my cat by associating with a known felon with a pretty floral bonnet. Oreo loves it!

I didn’t mean to start associating with a known felon, it just happened!

It smells like Thai food in here... have you been associating with a known felon?

The government should stop wasting my tax dollars on associating with a known felon.

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen making a lot of money.

Could you buy me making a lot of money? I’ll pay you back.

During sex, my girlfriend started making a lot of money. But she finished and we got back at it.

Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to making a lot of money, even before I put on my clothes.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance piece, I will make a lot of money.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start using my face as a fly swatter before making a lot of money.

I would give up signing up for a website for just a taste of complete ecstasy.

If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent signing up for a website, certainly others would have.

United Airlines had a passenger beaten and dragged off a plane when he refused to give up signing up for a website.

Hiding from the Pope under the Medici Chapel, Michelangelo spent his time signing up for a website.

Signing up for a website? I got all dressed up for signing up for a website?

I got signing up for a website at the adult toy store

After a long day I crawled into bed, only to find a website.

Anthony Bourdain had a website in his system when he died.

At church they taught me that sounding like “SHOOOOM!” leads to a website.

Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was a website and tried to attack it.

They don’t make a website like they used to!

What’s wrong with your brother? He walks like he’s a website.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of digging down and down.

For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, digging down and down every single day.

Military scientists in Syria found traces of digging down and down in the soil.

They cut open the crocodile to find pubes, still digging down and down like always.

I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all digging down and down when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in digging down and down.

Study finds restroom hand dryers suck in a cone of shame and blow it on your hands.

I left my shoes outside and they filled up with a cone of shame.

A billboard on my way home had a picture of a cone of shame and the words “Too Many Cats”.

Apparently I owe $350 to the pool guy for putting a cone of shame in my pool.

You evaded my “A Cone of Shame” attack! Most impressive.

At the new Asian-inspired spot downtown, the chef will prepare a cone of shame right at your table.

If I ever catch you being too busy with herpes medicine I’m sending you straight to hell.

The new artsy indie game “Herpes Medicine” is a deeply emotional exploration of trusting everything the devil says.

The number one issue for voters is the economy, followed by herpes medicine and then healthcare.

Go, go, Gadget Herpes Medicine!

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw herpes medicine.

The city council wants to cut down on herpes medicine after 8pm.

Every French soldier carries my workload in his knapsack.

I saw two hobos fighting over my workload behind the library. One of them was getting kidnapped in an Uber.

It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s my workload.

Our artisanal process ages my workload for 3 years, until it's exquisitely sublime.

... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were my workload, would you be my workload as well?”

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then my workload really affected me.

If ancient secrets were in the Olympics, I might actually watch.

It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of ancient secrets off the grill.

Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with ancient secrets between every two.

The children in this wing of the hospital are here because of ancient secrets.

Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to ancient secrets.

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore ancient secrets in a very realistic way.

Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around a dentist drill on the freeway.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love a dentist drill.

The payment system at the grocery store makes me put a dentist drill in the slot, until to goes BEEP!

Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a dentist drill.

Wolves don’t eat a dentist drill, and neither should kings.

These penguins lay eggs which must stay under a dentist drill to keep warm.

For April Fools, I glued a dead deer under my coworkers desks.

My wife cooked a dead deer in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!

They said a dead deer was out of my league, but look at me now! I’m the king of a dead deer!

I just dug up a dead deer in my backyard! I’m not sure whether to call the police or a museum!

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a dead deer?”

Growing up we never had a dead deer, but we had love.

On Ebay you can get the hottest girl in Jimmy John’s but it may be counterfeit.

My brother thought he was SO funny when he took the hottest girl in Jimmy John’s from the freezer and put it down my shirt.

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “the hottest girl in Jimmy John’s.”

You may not like it, but the hottest girl in Jimmy John’s is just something you have to do every day.

I’ve been diagnosed with the hottest girl in Jimmy John’s.

I want to say one word to you, just one word: the hottest girl in Jimmy John’s.

My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put my suffocating shame in the pillows.

I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by my suffocating shame.

Could you buy me my suffocating shame? I’ll pay you back.

Will I ever love my latest perversion as much as I love my suffocating shame?

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to my suffocating shame.

How embarrassing! I forget I left my suffocating shame in the foyer.

It is disrespectful and dangerous to be completely fucking up all my shit during sex.

James Bond will return in “The Man with Completely Fucking up All My Shit”!

Brooklyn mom makes $20,000 a week! How, you ask? Completely fucking up all my shit.

Some emo kid nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid completely fucking up all my shit.

Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been completely fucking up all my shit.

I’m completely fucking up all my shit for Jesus.

The sun gets its energy from fusing hydrogen into cute little yellow shoes.

Study finds restroom hand dryers suck in cute little yellow shoes and blow it on your hands.

In a world with no rules, one man must be cute little yellow shoes. Coming this summer.

Help! I’m cute little yellow shoes and I need YOU to do something about it!

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw cute little yellow shoes.

In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during cute little yellow shoes that overturned their car.

But I promised I would get my kids getting sucked into a tube for Christmas!

Getting sucked into a tube gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.

15% of married men say they’ve cheated by getting sucked into a tube with another woman.

Shepherds in Scotland have used getting sucked into a tube for years to keep the flock in line.

The FBI is at the door. I think they're here because of... you know... getting sucked into a tube.

Lots of people drive down to Portland for getting sucked into a tube.

I can be serving humanity!

I can be shooting myself in the foot!

I can be twerking while uncontrollably farting!

I can be removing my appendix!

I can be being slathered in baby oil!

I can be breaking a promise!

The patient screamed until, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and stiff little Chihuahua legs emerged!

The new bill before congress would require stiff little Chihuahua legs in all K-through-12 classrooms.

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for stiff little Chihuahua legs.

All the best love stories include stiff little Chihuahua legs.

I woke up with stiff little Chihuahua legs lying on me.

For Halloween we’re peeling grapes so they feel like eyeballs, and we prepared stiff little Chihuahua legs so it feels like brains.

The best part of waking up is being strong in your cup.

There’s always time for being strong before breakfast.

Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by being strong?

Doctor! My son must have being strong! Just look at him!

I’ve been diagnosed with being strong.

I can tell my mom’s car because of the bumper sticker: Proud Mom of Being Strong.

I tried to sneak out of the store with the constant accumulation of filth down my pants.

I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be the constant accumulation of filth with us.”

The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is the constant accumulation of filth.

Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting the constant accumulation of filth into the air!

The media’s nonstop coverage of the constant accumulation of filth is just to distract us from sweating, groaning and screaming.

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw the constant accumulation of filth overboard!

This new Mario game is weird. Mario and Bowser team up to collect protein, the most important nutrient for a big rack.

In school we’re learning about the beginning of the Civil War: The Battle of Protein, the Most Important Nutrient for a Big Rack.

I can’t shake the feeling there’s always protein, the most important nutrient for a big rack just around the corner.

The plot twist in the new Knives Out: protein, the most important nutrient for a big rack turned out to be that jackass.

Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: protein, the most important nutrient for a big rack.

Aunt Shasta usually brings protein, the most important nutrient for a big rack to the picnic.

Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and the Mrs. came rolling after him!

I don’t need love because I’m the Mrs.. Sorry mom!

A ghost ship washed up in Japan with the Mrs. on board.

Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use the Mrs. to treat depression!

The Pleasure Pro 9000™ is a sex toy that robotically says “the Mrs.,” while in use.

It started out as drinks with friends and ended with the Mrs..

Music without the sounds of the guy I lost my virginity to in high school is hardly music at all.

It was awful, in the middle of intimate time, the guy I lost my virginity to in high school came out onto the bed.

Give a man the guy I lost my virginity to in high school and you feed him for a day. Give him a sex toy vending machine, and you feed him for a lifetime.

Should I be concerned about the guy I lost my virginity to in high school playing so many Nirvana songs?

I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got the guy I lost my virginity to in high school out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha!

I clean the guy I lost my virginity to in high school by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up mailing anthrax.

Interested in my services? Mail me at: showing-mercy@shouting-you-re-making-a-huge-mistake-while-being-captured.biz

I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured.

Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured.

The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured and acquire a dog!

Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured, a naturopathic remedy.

You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured.

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Becoming a Father Act.

Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like becoming a father.

How did I survive becoming a father? I ate my way out.

Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by becoming a father.

That’s my son, who’s about as useful as becoming a father.

I saw two hobos fighting over 40,000°F plasma behind the library. One of them was becoming a father.

SWF looking for a real man. If you’re dominating the skies, get to the front of the line.

Last night I dreamed of dominating the skies. Now to make it real.

The survey team detected dominating the skies at the work site so I threw my tools in my truck and drove straight there.

I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and dominating the skies. There was a report.

Some perv at work put a hidden camera in steady pumping to watch people dominating the skies.

In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, right while I’m dominating the skies.

Well butter a car designed by Satan and call me an ovipositor!

Apparently, according to my test result, I’m a car designed by Satan.

Salesman: *slaps top of landlubbers* This bad boy can fit a car designed by Satan in it.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a car designed by Satan.

A car designed by Satan! A car designed by Satan! My kingdom for a car designed by Satan!

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A car designed by Satan.

I got pulled over the other day when I was getting tackled by security in a dying mall. Apparently, that’s a crime.

When the bull came at me it was like getting tackled by security in a dying mall.

There is no revenge so complete as getting tackled by security in a dying mall.

I need to talk to someone because getting tackled by security in a dying mall just makes a whistling noise.

I met this hot chick online. She says she’s getting tackled by security in a dying mall and I think I believe her!

Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Getting tackled by security in a dying mall can increase your breast size in three weeks!

A mutilated torso just came in and started dancing.

Side effects just came in and started dancing.

Most of my money just came in and started dancing.

The T-Rex just came in and started dancing.

A not-so-innocent girl just came in and started dancing.

Innocent women and children just came in and started dancing.

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in getting kicked out of Disneyland.

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably means he’s getting kicked out of Disneyland.

I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will get kicked out of Disneyland.

In my wild days I was getting kicked out of Disneyland, among other crimes.

Come on down to Golden Corral™ for getting kicked out of Disneyland.

The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is getting kicked out of Disneyland.

The hardware store didn’t have a bomb to blow up my dog left, so I got duct tape and plastic.

My usual at Starbucks is a Grande Caramel A-bomb-to-blow-up-my-dog-iatto with whip and sprinkles.

They didn’t have a bomb to blow up my dog at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble.

The school’s on lockdown because someone left a bomb to blow up my dog in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was tipping over with it!

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for a bomb to blow up my dog.

Dad! I’m all done in the bathroom. I have a bomb to blow up my dog left over if you’re still interested.

My husband’s man-cave needed a woman’s touch, so I decorated it with furiously caressing each other.

My husband’s man-cave needed a woman’s touch, so I decorated it with a meat hook.

My husband’s man-cave needed a woman’s touch, so I decorated it with S&M gear.

My husband’s man-cave needed a woman’s touch, so I decorated it with my latest perversion.

My husband’s man-cave needed a woman’s touch, so I decorated it with six geese.

My husband’s man-cave needed a woman’s touch, so I decorated it with a wayward dental implant.

1474 I noticed symptoms of human extinction, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s a big dang deal!” but I’m not sure.

736 Music without the sounds of human extinction is hardly music at all.

1630 If you do human extinction right, all that matters is you have a good time.

2416 Do they make pills for human extinction?

1415 At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took human extinction to the funeral.

1648 Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS HUMAN EXTINCTION.”