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Posts written by aaronjer:



User
The colder of my two feet
n

The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as a gentle kiss on the teeth and comes with 1 USB-C port and the colder of my two feet! Groovy!
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got the colder of my two feet before every meeting.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in the colder of my two feet!
Daddy! There’s the colder of my two feet under my bed. Kill it kill it!
The media’s nonstop coverage of the colder of my two feet is just to distract us from a menacing spike.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had the colder of my two feet.

User
Rare pulls from my booster box
np

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by rare pulls from my booster box.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Rare Pulls from My Booster Box is earwig pincers.
Our artisanal process ages a lab-grown testicle for a wounded soldier for 3 years, before going right into rare pulls from my booster box, rapidly squirting acid.
I didn’t mean to start rare pulls from my booster box, it just happened!
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of rare pulls from my booster box.
Chase bank is giving out rare pulls from my booster box this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.

User
The lemurs we all love
np

They cut open the crocodile to find the lemurs we all love, still allowing babies to starve while you gorge like always.
An elevator nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid the lemurs we all love.
The TSA has made new rules mandating the lemurs we all love on every commercial flight.
Are you there God? It’s me, the lemurs we all love.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with the lemurs we all love in his lap.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “The-lemurs-we-all-love-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving dat ass.

User
An overwhelming lust for Asian penises
n

Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “an overwhelming lust for Asian penises,” with a picture of divorce papers.
Making the best cookies requires a tacky, god-awful facelift and an overwhelming lust for Asian penises.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of an overwhelming lust for Asian penises at my place.
After Lincoln was shot, an overwhelming lust for Asian penises briefly became the next president.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is an overwhelming lust for Asian penises.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have an overwhelming lust for Asian penises.

User
A teenage lesbian in a bathtub
n

A teenage lesbian in a bathtub is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just getting crushed between two trucks. Sorry.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a teenage lesbian in a bathtub.
No one in Morocco can be a teenage lesbian in a bathtub without registering with the government.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be a teenage lesbian in a bathtub.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out a teenage lesbian in a bathtub each day, put a caged madman in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.
I just dug up a teenage lesbian in a bathtub in my backyard! The police are questioning me and I’m worried about an elite Korean hacker.

User
Armfuls of free treasure
np

Don’t shake the royal baby so hard, it’ll start armfuls of free treasure.
I scream, you scream, a day at the beach, armfuls of free treasure!
I can’t believe you guys went painting rude words on the cat without me! Loop me in next time, I want armfuls of free treasure too!
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from armfuls of free treasure.
Armfuls of free treasure? That’s my fetish!
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s good bacteria in love with armfuls of free treasure very much they do a... special hug.”

Truck
User
User
I like internets!
User
In Disney's beguiling animated romp,  {n}—rebellious and 16—cannot resist learning about  .
Play 2

In Disney's beguiling animated romp, a strangler—rebellious and 16—cannot resist learning about damage.
In Disney's beguiling animated romp, friends that can keep a secret—rebellious and 16—cannot resist learning about the runs.
In Disney's beguiling animated romp, the latest fad—rebellious and 16—cannot resist learning about my secret sex gymnasium.
In Disney's beguiling animated romp, Walt Disney’s preserved ass cheeks—rebellious and 16—cannot resist learning about exhuming my wife.
In Disney's beguiling animated romp, other things I’ve put in my butt—rebellious and 16—cannot resist learning about a demon torture puzzle box.
In Disney's beguiling animated romp, a bear in a trashcan—rebellious and 16—cannot resist learning about a flea.

User
The scum of the Earth
n

“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s the scum of the Earth in love with thinking about spiders very much they do a... special hug.”
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw the scum of the Earth.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Intense Pain” and it helps me with the scum of the Earth.
Strength can only be killed by the scum of the Earth.
Her inheritance was squandered upon the scum of the Earth while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a prop gun in her own home.
How embarrassing! I forget I left the scum of the Earth in the foyer.

User
A hard worker with lots of big jobs
n

Here’s a certificate for a hard worker with lots of big jobs. I am at your service.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began a hard worker with lots of big jobs.
When the suspect’s car crashed, a hard worker with lots of big jobs launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on most people.
Back in my day, we only had alcohol for a hard worker with lots of big jobs and we LIKED IT.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find a hard worker with lots of big jobs so relaxing.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw a hard worker with lots of big jobs overboard!

User
Monkeying around
v

At the Amazon Go store you can grab military-themed porn and walk right out the door without monkeying around.
I am become monkeying around, the destroyer of a puffed up chest.
The White House will no longer enforce The Monkeying Around Act of 1959. Thank God.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on monkeying around.
Growing up we never had bizarre funeral rites, but we had to deal with monkeying around, and I want the opposite for my children.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're monkeying around!

User
A smiling chimp in a beanie
n

I went rafting, saw a smiling chimp in a beanie in the river, no big deal.
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with a smiling chimp in a beanie.
Daddy! There’s a smiling chimp in a beanie under my bed. Kill it kill it!
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a smiling chimp in a beanie came on the screen.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on that jackass when I bought a smiling chimp in a beanie.
The community buttplug can actually erode a smiling chimp in a beanie, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.

User
Wiggle room
nc

Happiness: A foul odor, wiggle room, and juicing up.
Life without love is like long deep kisses with eyes wide open without wiggle room or fruit.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with wiggle room.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen wiggle room.
I was so surprised to see wiggle room that deviant urges fell out of my mouth.
The city condemned our house after finding wiggle room in the crawlspace.

User
A kind note from gram-gram
n

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was impacting my sister, part was dank memes, and it was crowned with a kind note from gram-gram.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide a kind note from gram-gram directly.
When I get older, I don’t want to be a kind note from gram-gram.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “An Upstart!” You’re cursed with a kind note from gram-gram until the end of the game!
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a kind note from gram-gram on the porch to surprise the kids.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a kind note from gram-gram one ounce at a time.

User
A fat man's problem
n

At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a fat man's problem into women’s purses and bags.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a fat man's problem.
A fat man's problem is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of water in history, rode into battle atop a fat man's problem.
I could tell a fat man's problem had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.
There is no revenge so complete as a fat man's problem.

User
Gay furries
np

The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got gay furries painted on both sides, which some say encourages a rope tied round my leg.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with gay furries! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Apparently, “Gay Furries” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Gay furries nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid a fat lot o’ good.
Thanks for gay furries last night. *wink* *wink*
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of gay furries bucking.



Gay furry drama
nc

But I promised I would get my kids gay furry drama for Christmas!
More armies need to incorporate gay furry drama into their uniforms.
I reached expectantly into gay furry drama, but found only what I’ve done.
On Ebay you can get gay furry drama but it comes in several tiny boxes.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in gay furry drama.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “gay furry drama,” over and over again while in use.

User
Yankin' me ol' chain
v

So what I’m saying is we have yankin' me ol' chain to thank for Obama’s America.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate yankin' me ol' chain to prepare for a mission to mars.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am yankin' me ol' chain. Would you like to try our new special, pork and alcohol?
Throughout human history, yankin' me ol' chain has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
Men, like nothing good, go farthest when they are yankin' me ol' chain.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into a flip, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start yankin' me ol' chain.

User
A rotting infant carcass
n

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a rotting infant carcass.
Let’s wait for a secret room to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get a rotting infant carcass.
Can I get some floss? There’s a rotting infant carcass between my teeth.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with a rotting infant carcass slowly overtaking the buildings.
My favorite new band is “Chugging NyQuil™ and a Rotting Infant Carcass”.
If you kids don’t stop summoning a succubus, I will turn a rotting infant carcass around!

User
that sexy German with them big legs n

Chase bank is giving out that sexy German with them big legs this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
Her inheritance was squandered upon crack while Cinderella was abused and forced to become that sexy German with them big legs in her own home.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about that sexy German with them big legs?
Pool rules: No running. No dark magic. Keep that sexy German with them big legs out of the deep end.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began that sexy German with them big legs.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with that sexy German with them big legs.

User
 {n} can expose a curved nail that lashes out and strikes at up to two meters, thanks to a tensely coiled, specialized muscle.

females with four teats can expose a curved nail that lashes out and strikes at up to two meters, thanks to a tensely coiled, specialized muscle.
all creation can expose a curved nail that lashes out and strikes at up to two meters, thanks to a tensely coiled, specialized muscle.
ammunition can expose a curved nail that lashes out and strikes at up to two meters, thanks to a tensely coiled, specialized muscle.
balls caught in the car window can expose a curved nail that lashes out and strikes at up to two meters, thanks to a tensely coiled, specialized muscle.
my syndrome can expose a curved nail that lashes out and strikes at up to two meters, thanks to a tensely coiled, specialized muscle.
a good job can expose a curved nail that lashes out and strikes at up to two meters, thanks to a tensely coiled, specialized muscle.

User
peanut butter that talks while you chew it n

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for peanut butter that talks while you chew it?
I found out why I’m always sick... they found peanut butter that talks while you chew it in the walls at my office.
My nightly ritual involves a friend, peanut butter that talks while you chew it, and finally my secret sex gymnasium just as I fall asleep.
Peanut butter that talks while you chew it failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward Satan’s latest abomination.
I came with a backup plan to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought peanut butter that talks while you chew it so nobody even noticed!
If you have a dream about an elite Korean hacker, it meas you’re worried about peanut butter that talks while you chew it.

User
Riley's exposed, nubile dong n

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to Riley's exposed, nubile dong.
I need a hotel room with Riley's exposed, nubile dong, and I need zoo smell brought to me every four hours.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge Riley's exposed, nubile dong.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen Riley's exposed, nubile dong.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider Riley's exposed, nubile dong.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from Riley's exposed, nubile dong.

User
coon cheese nc

Dagnabbit! I got coon cheese all jammed up in the wheel well again.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in coon cheese, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of coon cheese came on the screen.
Here’s a certificate for coon cheese. I am at your service.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of halitosis and a Fedex full of coon cheese.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build coon cheese for me and my wife.

User
I tried   over   because people said I look like a potato.2

I tried a wet tongue over attacking everything in your path because people said I look like a potato.
I tried a totally wicked bat wing over fingertips because people said I look like a potato.
I tried a beefy meal over an ancient insignificant dead Jew because people said I look like a potato.
I tried entering hibernation over your best friend because people said I look like a potato.
I tried a madhouse! A madhouse! over feasting and slaughter because people said I look like a potato.
I tried a lasting mark over the royal baby because people said I look like a potato.

User
a virginal potato n

I want to say one word to you, just one word: a virginal potato.
Getting a virginal potato back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with a virginal potato jumping and nipping at me from below and even squandering.
Sir! We are out of everything you’ve always wanted, but we found a virginal potato while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
Chimps in the wild have been observed using a virginal potato to forage for food.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with peanut butter in the mouth and are ordered to be a virginal potato no matter what.

User
imitation without understanding vt

My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between imitation without understanding and making it go back in.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “imitation without understanding.”
Then God said, “Let there be imitation without understanding”; and there was imitation without understanding. And God saw that imitation without understanding was good.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Imitation Without Understanding.
Imitation without understanding can actually erode lacerations, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling a big chicken order. The driver was imitation without understanding.

User
I found what I thought was   in the pantry... made dinner... turns out it was  ...2

I found what I thought was giving birth to it in the pantry... made dinner... turns out it was my sister’s closet...
I found what I thought was Tony’s prison baby in the pantry... made dinner... turns out it was lubricant...
I found what I thought was sinuses in the pantry... made dinner... turns out it was shitting glitter...
I found what I thought was a bitter rivalry in the pantry... made dinner... turns out it was rumpy pumpy...
I found what I thought was a squirming pile of Japanese robot sex dolls in the pantry... made dinner... turns out it was ground control...
I found what I thought was buffing that vagina in the pantry... made dinner... turns out it was their own mothers...

User
my absolute favorite nc

Whenever I cook a dog boner I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into my absolute favorite.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with a flagrant misuse of the English language and a mysterious boy who fights my absolute favorite.
For my last meal I want my absolute favorite seasoned heavily with a traffic cop.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am ideas above your station. Would you like to try our new special, my absolute favorite?
Let’s wait for my absolute favorite to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get a pillar of salt.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen my absolute favorite.

User
Japanese blood horoscopes np

What were you doing in here? I keep finding Japanese blood horoscopes between the couch cushions.
A deal breaker brings Japanese blood horoscopes to a child’s face.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for Japanese blood horoscopes.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and Japanese blood horoscopes in the Philippines.
A social skill is any skill facilitating Japanese blood horoscopes with others.
Her inheritance was squandered upon Japanese blood horoscopes while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a big, red X in her own home.

User
a softer option n

The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Softer Option!
A social skill is any skill facilitating a softer option with others.
Growing up we never had a lasting mark, but we had to deal with a softer option, and I want the opposite for my children.
Working on my car I found a softer option had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Uh oh. I think a softer option just fell out of my bung hole.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a softer option in the pillows.

User
a huge mouth and no anus n

The cruiseliner struck a huge mouth and no anus and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with rival anthills.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of a huge mouth and no anus.
Growing up we never had a huge mouth and no anus, but we had to deal with unbelievably beautiful hair, and I want the opposite for my children.
How embarrassing! I forget I left a huge mouth and no anus in the foyer.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a huge mouth and no anus and being suspended in gelatin.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from the French crown, and the eco-glass windows trap in a huge mouth and no anus.

User
My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's   I'm worried about

My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's sewing it shut I'm worried about
My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes I'm worried about
My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's floppin’ out my baby door I'm worried about
My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's total collapse I'm worried about
My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's MY SKULL! I'm worried about
My brother... He's only four, so he can't do any damage, it's fairy tales I'm worried about

User
showing mercy v

The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of showing mercy.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for showing mercy?
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with showing mercy.
At the coffee shop they put “showing mercy” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by showing mercy around the building.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw showing mercy for the first time!

User
impregnating your five-year-old brother v

I refuse to roleplay as anything but impregnating your five-year-old brother.
In my wild days I was prying her mouth open, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with impregnating your five-year-old brother on the New Mexico border.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for impregnating your five-year-old brother.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only David Bowie’s mysterious bulge and impregnating your five-year-old brother.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of impregnating your five-year-old brother.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Impregnating Your Five-year-old Brother!

User
YOU ARE A POWERFUL NECROMANCER
User
being kind to a stupid tranny v

... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were being kind to a stupid tranny, would you be being kind to a stupid tranny as well?”
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of being kind to a stupid tranny.
If you kids don’t stop cheating, I will turn being kind to a stupid tranny around!
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a dirigible death match, but now for work I’m being kind to a stupid tranny. Go figure!
On the assembly line we heat a lie that corrupts the Earth to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is being kind to a stupid tranny.
The survey team detected being kind to a stupid tranny at the work site so I threw rigid peen in my truck and drove straight there.

User
a girl's smile n

Here’s a certificate for a girl's smile. I am at your service.
1) A robot may not injure a girl's smile, or through inaction allow a girl's smile to come to harm.
Ugh. I ate the most humane action last night and I’ve been trying to put on a girl's smile all morning.
If my neighbor doesn’t get a girl's smile off my property, I’m calling the cops!
I was so surprised to see a girl's smile that a comfortable spot fell out of my mouth.
During my driving test, I backed my car into a girl's smile. I still got an 85!

User
the boy's amusement n

At LAX travelers were horrified to see the boy's amusement spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
This workplace has gone (0) days without the boy's amusement.
Great job on the proposal for putting the “I” back in “team”, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the boy's amusement.
I went rafting, saw the boy's amusement in the river, no big deal.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of the boy's amusement.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with the boy's amusement.

User
allowing me to die v

All the best love stories include allowing me to die.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A More Imminent Danger” and it helps me with allowing me to die.
Allowing me to die is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
You stole the juiciest cunt I ever seen in my life from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re allowing me to die and you’re going to hell!
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with allowing me to die.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about allowing me to die and mistreating the clitoris. Should I talk to him?

User
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of  . Also there was  . Should I tell the police?2

Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of firing ports. Also there was stuff Asians like. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of Michael Jackson and his boa constrictor. Also there was Liam Neeson’s Halfway House for Silly Girls. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of a great review. Also there was less chaos. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of a kitten pawing at my wiener. Also there was a pregnant teen. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of some prick. Also there was zigzagging wildly. Should I tell the police?
Just found a sealed room in my house, it had an awful lot of the white man’s burden. Also there was what may become a boner. Should I tell the police?

User
lurching about in the yard v

See now black people walk like gangstas. But white people -- white people walk like they’re lurching about in the yard!
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with lurching about in the yard.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with lurching about in the yard.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from lurching about in the yard with a watermelon owned by a black man.
They said lurching about in the yard was out of my league, but I showed them. I got a good thing for the heart!
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re lurching about in the yard and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

User
casually promoting incest v

I got so drunk last night that I got casually promoting incest all over everyone and everything.
Ich bin ein casually promoting incest.
The rich aroma of casually promoting incest, from the hills of Colombia.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a special little fuck, while a man is casually promoting incest on a galloping horse.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only disturbing trends and casually promoting incest.
The thief was caught stealing mediocre tits from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of casually promoting incest.



casual incest nc

1) A robot may not injure casual incest, or through inaction allow casual incest to come to harm.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Casual Incest!
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on a Christmas tree when I bought casual incest.
Apparently, “Casual Incest” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am casual incest. Would you like to try our new special, a cat in a paper bag?
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy casual incest one ounce at a time.



Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, saw   flavor and then   flavor. I'll have cookies from now on.2

Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, saw anal cleansing tablets flavor and then spinning like a bitch flavor. I'll have cookies from now on.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, saw an automated turret flavor and then floating away in a fucking balloon flavor. I'll have cookies from now on.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, saw a positive test for bodily fluids flavor and then a gush flavor. I'll have cookies from now on.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, saw the T-Rex flavor and then joining the Army in a panic flavor. I'll have cookies from now on.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, saw a Russian bride flavor and then Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s frilly neckerchief flavor. I'll have cookies from now on.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, saw a wet burst flavor and then a fish choad flavor. I'll have cookies from now on.

User
unsolicited pics np

Pundits agree it will take unsolicited pics for the senator to win the election.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got creatures painted on both sides, which some say encourages unsolicited pics.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Unsolicited Pics!
Lonely guys in Japan can buy unsolicited pics that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Unsolicited pics isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up unsolicited pics in every room.



sending unsolicited pics to anyone and everyone v

On the assembly line we heat a feather to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is sending unsolicited pics to anyone and everyone.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn sending unsolicited pics to anyone and everyone, but now for work I’m lower standards. Go figure!
I’m sending unsolicited pics to anyone and everyone for Jesus.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by sending unsolicited pics to anyone and everyone.
In my state, sending unsolicited pics to anyone and everyone is a legal right for me and my native brothers.
Hark! What sending unsolicited pics to anyone and everyone through yonder window breaks?

User
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He's always bein' all   when he drinks egg nog. It's so weird!

I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He's always bein' all a thought when he drinks egg nog. It's so weird!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He's always bein' all sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt when he drinks egg nog. It's so weird!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He's always bein' all those responsible when he drinks egg nog. It's so weird!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He's always bein' all getting crushed between two trucks when he drinks egg nog. It's so weird!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He's always bein' all a coked up hooker when he drinks egg nog. It's so weird!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He's always bein' all a really long nose hair when he drinks egg nog. It's so weird!

User
making out with your bed-ridden uncle v

On the assembly line we heat a lonely old man to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is making out with your bed-ridden uncle.
This workplace has gone (0) days without making out with your bed-ridden uncle.
It’s not delivery. It’s making out with your bed-ridden uncle.
Making out with your bed-ridden uncle is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
I went rafting, saw making out with your bed-ridden uncle in the river, no big deal.
A sack of pugs nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid making out with your bed-ridden uncle.

Truck
User
I knew you'd come back for us. I always held out hope.
User
rage-fucking retards ?

At spring training a foul ball bounced off my bruised thighs in the stands and then knocked rage-fucking retards off love handles.
Rage-fucking retards is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
During my driving test, I backed my car into rage-fucking retards. I still got an 85!
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of rage-fucking retards in the sky.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from chugging NyQuil™ with rage-fucking retards.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s rage-fucking retards straddled by inhabitants.

User
Work  {n} up until frothing before spreading across  {n}. Press firmly but gently with your hands until the product holds still.2

Work Princess Perfect up until frothing before spreading across a ball gag. Press firmly but gently with your hands until the product holds still.
Work my sister’s closet up until frothing before spreading across the finest quality cheese. Press firmly but gently with your hands until the product holds still.
Work sustained surface winds up until frothing before spreading across just me, by myself. Press firmly but gently with your hands until the product holds still.
Work setbacks up until frothing before spreading across a polite way to say no. Press firmly but gently with your hands until the product holds still.
Work a willful misdeed up until frothing before spreading across every part of the buffalo. Press firmly but gently with your hands until the product holds still.
Work most of my blood up until frothing before spreading across two F-bombs. Press firmly but gently with your hands until the product holds still.

User
getting drunk with criminals v

Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by getting drunk with criminals.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember getting drunk with criminals?”
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Getting Drunk with Criminals” and it helps me with damage.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Getting Drunk with Criminals and You”.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of getting drunk with criminals.
Apparently, “Getting Drunk with Criminals” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.

User
What else ya got?
User
the hottest girl n

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Shame Co., tapping into the growing market for the hottest girl.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always the hottest girl. Always.
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into the hottest girl before lifting his kilt and winking.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to the hottest girl, even before I put on my clothes.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of the hottest girl came on the screen.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be the hottest girl.

User
drowning in the bathtub v

When the beef came at me it was like drowning in the bathtub.
I’m drowning in the bathtub for Jesus.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was punching a hole in the roof, part was drowning in the bathtub, and it was crowned with breastfeeding.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually drowning in the bathtub.
My favorite new band is “Drowning in the Bathtub and the ’80s”.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a thorough examination and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like drowning in the bathtub.

User
a gushing bloody nose n

I would have never thought that I’d actually be a gushing bloody nose while I’m the king and his family!
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A gushing bloody nose, an injection and a sex-addicted panda.
We can be a gushing bloody nose. And no one has to know.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as a gushing bloody nose equipped with Grandma’s ghost.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a vast treasury of specimens for years to keep the flock from a gushing bloody nose.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for a gushing bloody nose?



cunting around even harder v

The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of cunting around even harder.
Cunting around even harder failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward reasons to do it.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with cunting around even harder.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen cunting around even harder.
Ever since the incident with a mutilated torso I’ve been haunted by cunting around even harder.
But I promised I would get my kids cunting around even harder for Christmas!

User
my sex vest n

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be my sex vest if I wanted a new family.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen my sex vest.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell my sex vest after 8pm, or on holidays like Hounding the Family Dog Day.
How high do you have to be to enjoy Morgan Freeman’s larynx in my sex vest?
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was my sex vest.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with my sex vest! It’s all here in my manifesto!

User
denting the leather on my sex vest v

I want to say one word to you, just one word: denting the leather on my sex vest.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep denting the leather on my sex vest out of mainland China.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Denting the Leather on My Sex Vest!” You’re cursed with a kitten pawing at my wiener until the end of the game!
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be denting the leather on my sex vest if I wanted a new family.
Throughout human history, denting the leather on my sex vest has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider denting the leather on my sex vest.

User
a randy pooch n

Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a randy pooch.
Ich bin ein a randy pooch.
Great job on the proposal for rubbing my gland, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a randy pooch.
During the war, German scientists experimented with a randy pooch to weaponize bodily functions gone awry.
It’s lucky to touch a randy pooch; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
Jesus is a randy pooch.



Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and  {n} coming right at us. Please advise.

Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and a garbage disposal coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and a Japanese woman’s underwear coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and rigid peen coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and special pube shampoo coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and Schadenfreude coming right at us. Please advise.
Five by five, command, we've got two choppers and the runs coming right at us. Please advise.

User
donning a wizard hat in public v

If you do it right, a real sonuvabitch is all about donning a wizard hat in public.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, donning a wizard hat in public every single day.
Life without love is like donning a wizard hat in public without someone or fruit.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for donning a wizard hat in public.
Don’t look at me while I’m donning a wizard hat in public! It messes me up!
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with donning a wizard hat in public.



being creepy like sex wizards v

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always being creepy like sex wizards. Always.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're being creepy like sex wizards!
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience being creepy like sex wizards like I was really there.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began being creepy like sex wizards.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Moral anguish, affectionate biting and being creepy like sex wizards.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s being creepy like sex wizards and I think I believe her!

User
a sad little monkey n

When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with a sad little monkey!”
Working on my car I found a sad little monkey had crawled inside the engine block and died.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: a sad little monkey.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a sad little monkey.
Although moving away from a sad little monkey proved effective for schools, the switch to a clown’s genitals initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
But of the tree of a sad little monkey you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.

User
a sea of fire n

A sea of fire! A sea of fire! My kingdom for a sea of fire!
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, being impulsive and temperamental, sloth, wrath, a sea of fire, and pride.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a sea of fire that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like a sea of fire.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Sea of Fire!
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a sea of fire.

User
deadly spore clouds np

Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with deadly spore clouds.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Deadly Spore Clouds” syndrome!
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with deadly spore clouds. So bring spices.
Authorities were tallying damage from deadly spore clouds that struck southern California Friday evening.
The city condemned our house after finding deadly spore clouds in the crawlspace.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for deadly spore clouds.

User
scalding steam n

10% of all proceeds from sales of scalding steam will go to The Prey Foundation.
CAUTION: Keep scalding steam out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
My mom picked me up scalding steam from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
When the stadium was demolished it ejected scalding steam, which hung in the air for days.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found scalding steam in the walls at my office.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for scalding steam.

User
racial superiority nc

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Racial Superiority Blast!
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with racial superiority.
Racial superiority! Racial superiority! My kingdom for racial superiority!
Always walk into an interview with racial superiority and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a ghastly folly.
Last Christmas, everyone got corporate America under the tree and racial superiority in their stockings!
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted racial superiority to the vastness of space.

User
that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants n

I’m late to my meeting for that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants.
The survey team detected that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants at the work site so I threw a sleepy kitty in my truck and drove straight there.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants directly.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from squirting acid with that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants.
But of the tree of that pair of Omnisexual SuperPants you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.

User
a big heavy rock that will squish you n

A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been sinking into the mud. The snail may have escaped a big heavy rock that will squish you by going underground.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using a big heavy rock that will squish you to forage for food.
What the gross mystery meat department lacks in selection, we make up for in a big heavy rock that will squish you.
CAUTION: Keep a big heavy rock that will squish you out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a big heavy rock that will squish you.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a big heavy rock that will squish you and it’s getting weird.

User
a little baggy full of tasty snacks n

They don’t make a little baggy full of tasty snacks like they used to! This one doesn’t even have spicy saliva.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a little baggy full of tasty snacks and I think I believe her!
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a little baggy full of tasty snacks at a player from the stands.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was a little baggy full of tasty snacks.
At the coffee shop they put “a little baggy full of tasty snacks” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
I reached expectantly into a friend, but found only a little baggy full of tasty snacks.

User
a sleeve of oreos n

An elephant with floppy trunk syndrome nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid a sleeve of oreos.
How high do you have to be to enjoy a sleeve of oreos in a crack in the sky?
My pharmacist separated a sleeve of oreos into two piles, and carefully lowered one into literally every single thing.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “A Sleeve of Oreos,” the finest ship in the harbor!
Great job on the proposal for joining the Army in a panic, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a sleeve of oreos.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a sleeve of oreos.

User
a lever that opens my butt n

Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a lever that opens my butt?
My car looks like it’s a lever that opens my butt but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about sudsy bodies and a lever that opens my butt. Should I talk to him?
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with a lever that opens my butt.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a lever that opens my butt! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw a lever that opens my butt for the first time!

User
an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump n

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump onto the International Space Station.
The rich aroma of an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump, from the hills of Colombia.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of a trail of footprints, curses, and an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump.
On the assembly line we heat an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is deliberately standing in front of a cannon.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find an eerily life-like statue of Donald Trump in the back seat.

User
a mountain of jew gold nc

At the city council meeting I yelled “Fine! Have a mountain of jew gold! Some of us just want NAMBLA.”
The best comfort food will always be greens, a mountain of jew gold, and fried chicken.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created a mountain of jew gold.
A mountain of jew gold nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid Schizo Batman.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with this half of the planet and a mysterious boy who fights a mountain of jew gold.
Here’s a certificate for a mountain of jew gold. I am at your service.

User
the tastiest grinder ever n

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife, part was filthy underpants, and it was crowned with the tastiest grinder ever.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around the tastiest grinder ever on the freeway.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Truck Full of Ladders Does the Tastiest Grinder Ever.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then the tastiest grinder ever really affected me.
Dagnabbit! I got the tastiest grinder ever all jammed up in the wheel well again.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw the tastiest grinder ever for the first time!

User
my dead parents np

Chimps in the wild have been observed using my dead parents to forage for food.
We can be my dead parents. And no one has to know.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with my dead parents.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock my dead parents and five full-time chefs in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing my dead parents, since we’re so good at it.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of my dead parents.

User
going to jail v

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into going to jail, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start an elevator.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Going to Jail”! I shook his hand and it felt like going to jail.
The White House will no longer enforce The Going to Jail Act of 1959. Thank God.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, going to jail appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Furious that I was going to jail into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores.
My publisher demanded I remove going to jail from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

User
hunting at the playground v

It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, hunting at the playground, toilet paper, shelter, and a remedy.
In my state, hunting at the playground is a legal right for me and my native brothers.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from hunting at the playground with the last thing I said.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn hunting at the playground, but now for work I’m oil-covered birds. Go figure!
Dad! I’m all done hunting at the playground, so I have another hurdle left over if you’re still interested.
Here on the assembly line we heat breastfeeding to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is hunting at the playground.

User
choking bitches v

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of choking bitches on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Twiddly fingers! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all choking bitches.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only daddy juice and choking bitches.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for choking bitches.
It’s not delivery. It’s choking bitches.
My religion demands that I must abstain from choking bitches. Turning around when you see your ex however, is OK.

User
a clown with a hatchet n

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a clown with a hatchet and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a clown with a hatchet on the porch to surprise the kids.
The new bill before congress would mandate a clown with a hatchet in all K-through-12 classrooms.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is a clown with a hatchet.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see a clown with a hatchet spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with the heterosexual agenda. So bring a clown with a hatchet.

User
an evil alien with a ray gun n

I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me an evil alien with a ray gun while we were still in the car.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is an evil alien with a ray gun.
They don’t make an evil alien with a ray gun like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a bag of super salty chips.
I can’t believe you guys went painting rude words on the cat without me! Loop me in next time, I want an evil alien with a ray gun too!
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of an evil alien with a ray gun.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as an evil alien with a ray gun, score points by being a bad little boy, and fuzzy handcuffs shall not be on the field.

User
a crusty build-up n

If you do it right, fighting your family is all about a crusty build-up.
I wasn’t always black... there was a crusty build-up, and it got bigger and bigger.
Pool rules: No running. No llama spit. Keep a crusty build-up out of the deep end.
God didn’t create me. God created a crusty build-up. And a crusty build-up created me.
I love your necklace! It’s a crusty build-up, right?
Two best friends and a crusty build-up take a road trip, and discover a breach of confidence along the way.

User
pee in the face n

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on pee in the face.
Last Christmas, everyone got a curve under the tree and pee in the face in their stockings!
At LAX travelers were horrified to see pee in the face spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift too much denim over my head, but pee in the face got in the way.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to pee in the face.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me pee in the face and it’s getting weird.

User
getting skinned alive v

Apparently, “Getting Skinned Alive” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
When a remarkably swift recovery is ready, getting skinned alive will appear.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for getting skinned alive?
But I promised my kids they could get getting skinned alive for Christmas!
I am become getting skinned alive, the destroyer of a wet tongue.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of getting skinned alive.

User
scalping the white people v

If you do it right, the last great American is all about scalping the white people.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from scalping the white people, and the eco-glass windows trap in techniques.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be scalping the white people if I wanted a new family.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate scalping the white people.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in scalping the white people.
There is no revenge so complete as scalping the white people.

User
drowning the children v

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of drowning the children on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “drowning the children” incident in the science lab.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about drowning the children.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using drowning the children to forage for food.
Don’t shake an anatomically correct sock puppet so hard, it’ll start drowning the children.
Giving birth to a prosthetic baby nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid drowning the children.

User
playing naked in the fountain v

Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk playing naked in the fountain.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how playing naked in the fountain happens.
Playing naked in the fountain failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward an airbag.
Ever since an improvised explosive device appeared in the neighborhood, playing naked in the fountain has been eyed with suspicion.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and playing naked in the fountain in the Philippines.
My nightly ritual involves valid reasoning, loving someone SO much, and finally playing naked in the fountain just as I fall asleep.

User
a casually masturbating woman n

The new bill before congress would mandate a casually masturbating woman in all K-through-12 classrooms.
Daddy! There’s a casually masturbating woman under my bed. Kill it kill it!
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a casually masturbating woman in the soil.
But I promised my kids they could get a casually masturbating woman for Christmas!
My favorite new band is “A Casually Masturbating Woman and a Swiss Murder Suit”.
Last Christmas, I gave you a casually masturbating woman. The very next day, you gave it away.

User
a nipple slip n

A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with a nipple slip.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A muffled yell and a nipple slip.
I want to be buried with a nipple slip.
In this 15th century painting, a military laboratory is represented by a man with a nipple slip for a head.
My father’s example produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a nipple slip to keep warm.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for a nipple slip?

User
a runaway buzzsaw n

The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow A Runaway Buzzsaw?
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a runaway buzzsaw.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always a runaway buzzsaw just around the corner.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is a runaway buzzsaw.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and a runaway buzzsaw in the Philippines.
Two best friends and an ancient Indian burial ground take a road trip, and discover a runaway buzzsaw along the way.

User
a vagina that smiles n

Music without the sounds of a vagina that smiles is hardly music at all.
Although moving away from a vagina that smiles proved effective for schools, the switch to many people initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
In this 15th century painting, reduced brain intelligence is represented by a man with a vagina that smiles for a head.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Eskimo Settlements Co., tapping into the growing market for a vagina that smiles.
If you have a dream about a vagina that smiles, it meas you’re worried about a bunch of vulvas in my face.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with a vagina that smiles.

User
my lovely bits np

Getting my lovely bits back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
In the public my lovely bits model, a third-party service provider delivers the my lovely bits service over the Internet.
A social skill is any skill facilitating my lovely bits with others.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like my lovely bits.
Let a piece of Lego® in the carpet host your next party, providing my lovely bits like you’ve never seen before.
Who so pulleth out a slip of the tongue of this stone is rightwise king born of my lovely bits.

User
a guilty little boy n

Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a guilty little boy.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen a guilty little boy.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a guilty little boy in the soil.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a guilty little boy.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always a guilty little boy. Always.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find a guilty little boy so relaxing.

User
a smoking crater filled with blood n

My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a smoking crater filled with blood in the pillows.
Alexander also named a city in India “A Smoking Crater Filled with Blood” after his dead horse.
Don’t look at me while I’m a smoking crater filled with blood! It messes me up!
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about hotboxing a cat, but with a smoking crater filled with blood!
I can’t believe you guys went adopting a Romanian baby without me! Loop me in next time, I want a smoking crater filled with blood too!
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with my person and a mysterious boy who fights a smoking crater filled with blood.

User
I saw  {n} down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, "You'll be   with us."2

I saw an even stupider idea down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, "You'll be mammaries with us."
I saw a photocopy of your face down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, "You'll be glittery eyelashes with us."
I saw a deceitful word down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, "You'll be a battalion of ruthless, killer cyborgs with us."
I saw military-themed porn down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, "You'll be being in the way with us."
I saw dope down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, "You'll be a more imminent danger with us."
I saw hella teen angst down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, "You'll be getting crushed between two trucks with us."

User
I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, "Get ready for  "

I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, "Get ready for God in human form"
I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, "Get ready for unrestrained passion"
I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, "Get ready for insipid fools"
I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, "Get ready for ill-advised business decisions"
I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, "Get ready for useless noodle arms"
I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, "Get ready for a firm slap to the groin"

User
The road of royalty is paved with  , and awash with  .2

The road of royalty is paved with a deal breaker, and awash with a watermelon.
The road of royalty is paved with this spring’s hottest new fashions, and awash with a cranky, foul mouthed old lady.
The road of royalty is paved with a great big sword, and awash with the shittier one.
The road of royalty is paved with insincerity, and awash with horny catgirls.
The road of royalty is paved with three carrots, and awash with a quiver of love arrows.
The road of royalty is paved with an enchanted ring, and awash with money.

User
the monster who murdered your husband n

Happiness: The monster who murdered your husband, violent death, and the finest quality cheese.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise the monster who murdered your husband by rewarding them with a falling tree.
I love your necklace! It’s the monster who murdered your husband, right?
I’m getting the monster who murdered your husband installed in my car, so I can be the only thing left while I drive.
If you have a dream about the monster who murdered your husband, it meas you’re worried about gourmet drinking chocolate.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was the monster who murdered your husband.

User
When  {n} finally expired,  {n}, a type of parasite, burst out and started squirming around.2

When a mind-erasing kit finally expired, a leopard invasion, a type of parasite, burst out and started squirming around.
When a pinch finally expired, bad juju, a type of parasite, burst out and started squirming around.
When $20 worth of pot finally expired, a pipe bomb, a type of parasite, burst out and started squirming around.
When a glass pane finally expired, girl problems, a type of parasite, burst out and started squirming around.
When a big ol’ fruit finally expired, inquisitive middle schoolers, a type of parasite, burst out and started squirming around.
When a stolen Army helicopter finally expired, white men with guns, a type of parasite, burst out and started squirming around.

User
Stay out of that lake!  {n} will shoot up your urethra!

Stay out of that lake! the men who helped me will shoot up your urethra!
Stay out of that lake! carrion birds will shoot up your urethra!
Stay out of that lake! unrestrained passion will shoot up your urethra!
Stay out of that lake! hot babes will shoot up your urethra!
Stay out of that lake! an army of 35,000 men will shoot up your urethra!
Stay out of that lake! an extremely uncomfortable mattress will shoot up your urethra!

User
It was awful, in the middle of having sex  {n} leaked out of my butt.

It was awful, in the middle of having sex a squealing 6- and 10-year-old leaked out of my butt.
It was awful, in the middle of having sex pendulous breasts leaked out of my butt.
It was awful, in the middle of having sex a tribal village leaked out of my butt.
It was awful, in the middle of having sex quiet poots leaked out of my butt.
It was awful, in the middle of having sex the wool over my eyes leaked out of my butt.
It was awful, in the middle of having sex anger and shock leaked out of my butt.

User
my skin n

I got a light dusting of pubes as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with my skin?
I tried to sneak out of the store with my skin under one arm and the killing of educated adults down my pants.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed my skin up and down the highway.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about my skin?
Monopoly: All Your Drama Edition comes with the front half and my skin instead of houses and hotels.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took my skin to the funeral.

User
getting covered in spicy mayonnaise v

We can be getting covered in spicy mayonnaise. And no one has to know.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by getting covered in spicy mayonnaise.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk getting covered in spicy mayonnaise.
I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me getting covered in spicy mayonnaise at the party last night.
But I promised my kids they could get getting covered in spicy mayonnaise for Christmas!
This workplace has gone (0) days without getting covered in spicy mayonnaise.

User
a swarm of bats n

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Little Turds Everywhere Co., tapping into the growing market for a swarm of bats.
My publisher demanded I remove a swarm of bats from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with a swarm of bats!”
My pharmacist separated a swarm of bats into two piles, and carefully lowered one into chafing jeans.
The city condemned our house after finding a swarm of bats in the crawlspace.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide a swarm of bats directly.

User
a girl with a bag on her head n

How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of the savory gels of her lust, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into a girl with a bag on her head.
I pushed hard enough to snap a girl with a bag on her head, but some powerful kind of special pube shampoo was blocking the door.
My publisher demanded I remove a girl with a bag on her head from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
If my neighbor doesn’t get a girl with a bag on her head off my property, I’m calling the cops!
The transferred sperm cells are kept in a girl with a bag on her head, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a girl with a bag on her head spraying up the wall.

User
nasty boys np

Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft and are ordered to be nasty boys no matter what.
I’m getting a karate chop installed in my car, so I can be nasty boys while I drive.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and nasty boys in the Philippines.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide nasty boys directly.
My publisher demanded I remove nasty boys from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift nasty boys over my head, but my wedding ring got in the way.

User
my towering afro n

I would have never thought that I’d actually be a creepy marionette while I’m my towering afro!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then my towering afro really affected me.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of my towering afro.
In future times, the children will work together to build my towering afro.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, my towering afro emerged.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with yoga farts went off early, ejecting my towering afro into the air!

User
a blind, but happy, puppy n

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Blind, but Happy, Puppy.
When I saw a blind, but happy, puppy I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, making it go back in, I went white as a sheet!
Our artisanal process ages a blind, but happy, puppy for 3 years, before going right into what we needed, rapidly working myself up into a frenzy.
Whenever I cook a blind, but happy, puppy I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into alcohol.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: A blind, but happy, puppy with two bats in a giant pair of pajamas.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a blind, but happy, puppy! It’s all here in my manifesto!

User
a man with no legs n

During my driving test, I backed my car into a man with no legs. I still got an 85!
Until quite recently, a man with no legs had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Help! I’m a man with no legs and I need YOU to do something about it!
On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing a man with no legs.”
There is no revenge so complete as a man with no legs.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around a man with no legs on the freeway.

User
the cruel ambition of my father n

Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw the cruel ambition of my father at a player from the stands.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “the cruel ambition of my father.”
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of the cruel ambition of my father.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got wrestling alligators painted on both sides, which some say encourages the cruel ambition of my father.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of the cruel ambition of my father in the soil.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began the cruel ambition of my father.

User
The Goddamned Fun Police nc

Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with The Goddamned Fun Police.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always The Goddamned Fun Police just around the corner.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Getting crushed between two trucks, The Goddamned Fun Police and the runs.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like The Goddamned Fun Police.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy The Goddamned Fun Police that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
You spent all your food-stamps on The Goddamned Fun Police?!

User
my wonderful new scabies infection n

I need a hotel room with my wonderful new scabies infection, and I need my golden goose brought to me every four hours.
I tried to sneak out of the store with my wonderful new scabies infection under one arm and that urpy feeling like when you eat too much down my pants.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt my wonderful new scabies infection in the sea.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other my wonderful new scabies infection, while a man is getting all obsessed on a galloping horse.
Her inheritance was squandered upon my wonderful new scabies infection while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a bony ass in her own home.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had my wonderful new scabies infection.

User
a homeless junkie with AIDS n

10% of all proceeds from sales of a homeless junkie with AIDS will go to The Crossing a Moral Boundary Foundation.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a homeless junkie with AIDS.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a homeless junkie with AIDS.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always a homeless junkie with AIDS just around the corner.
The city condemned our house after finding a homeless junkie with AIDS in the crawlspace.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, a homeless junkie with AIDS appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.

User
Putin's sexy 2017 calendar n

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re Putin's sexy 2017 calendar and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using Putin's sexy 2017 calendar to forage for food.
Putin's sexy 2017 calendar isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of Putin's sexy 2017 calendar, so the temporary replacement uses an air-filled bladder.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in Putin's sexy 2017 calendar in the middle of each intersection.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find Putin's sexy 2017 calendar in the back seat.

User
Russia's best hacker n

Our artisanal process ages gangstas for 3 years, before going right into Russia's best hacker, rapidly reaching around.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “Russia's best hacker” incident in the science lab.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of ideas above your station, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into Russia's best hacker.
I’m late to my meeting for Russia's best hacker.
I can’t believe you guys went completely wigging out without me! Loop me in next time, I want Russia's best hacker too!
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, Russia's best hacker, sloth, wrath, thrifty moms, and pride.

User
that dirty little louse n

Experts said that based on preliminary data, that dirty little louse appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of that dirty little louse.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for that dirty little louse.
When the stadium was demolished it ejected that dirty little louse, which hung in the air for days.
In a world with a kiss on the lips being asleep, not dead, one man must overcome that dirty little louse. Coming this summer.
During my driving test, I backed my car into that dirty little louse. I still got an 85!

User
a mangy street dog n

My dream house has childbirth built in, an extra garage for sex toy directions, and a mangy street dog for the door bell.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a mangy street dog.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a mangy street dog, part was doing surgery on LSD, and it was crowned with a fruitless task.
Give a man a mangy street dog and you feed him for a day. Give him a moisture-wicking fleece Canadian sleeve for the penis, and you feed him for a lifetime.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a mangy street dog.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow A Mangy Street Dog?

User
that boy who lives in the sewer n

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: That boy who lives in the sewer and arthouse films about transexuals.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from that boy who lives in the sewer, and the eco-glass windows trap in a good strategy.
Life without love is like panicking in a Subaru without that boy who lives in the sewer or fruit.
That boy who lives in the sewer has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at that boy who lives in the sewer and my card appeared in two F-bombs!
CAUTION: Keep that boy who lives in the sewer out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.

User
an eagle with a broken wing n

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began an eagle with a broken wing.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always an eagle with a broken wing just around the corner.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about an eagle with a broken wing and loving someone SO much. Should I talk to him?
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “An Eagle with a Broken Wing,” the finest ship in the harbor!
They don’t make an eagle with a broken wing like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a complete set of cybernetic implants.
My mom picked me up an eagle with a broken wing from the thrift shop. It was the last one!

User
summoning a demon for sex v

My dream house has Earth’s orbit built in, an extra garage for summoning a demon for sex, and sharpened teeth for the door bell.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s summoning a demon for sex.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is summoning a demon for sex.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to summoning a demon for sex.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Summoning a Demon for Sex!
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore summoning a demon for sex in a very realistic way.

User
your rotten child n

The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: What’s for Dinner Does Your Rotten Child.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off your rotten child in the stands and then knocked a ghastly folly off a male prostitute.
Chase bank is giving out your rotten child this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into your rotten child.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with your rotten child. So bring mumbo jumbo.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with your rotten child.

User
a cis-white hetero shitlord n

Science never solves a problem without creating a cis-white hetero shitlord.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a cis-white hetero shitlord popped out!
This year’s hottest new fashion is a cis-white hetero shitlord on your head.
A cis-white hetero shitlord saved is a cis-white hetero shitlord earned.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a cis-white hetero shitlord emerged.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a cis-white hetero shitlord.

User
a troubled transexual n

The first item of evidence in The People vs. A Troubled Transexual is mutual benefit.
Then God said, “Let there be a troubled transexual”; and there was a troubled transexual. And God saw that a troubled transexual was good.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a troubled transexual.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a troubled transexual in the sea.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a troubled transexual is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
It’s not delivery. It’s a troubled transexual.

User
a gasping woman n

Here’s a certificate for a gasping woman. I am at your service.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a gasping woman and baby eels.
Don’t shake the most unusual, unexpected taste so hard, it’ll start a gasping woman.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, a gasping woman appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a weak spot removed from her and a gasping woman removed from me.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into a gasping woman, get to the front of the line.

User
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter  {n} out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.

Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter an elephant with floppy trunk syndrome out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter a seductively smiling Scarlett Johansson out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter maximum bitch mode out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter people bumping and grinding at each other with no sense of rhythm out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter large recoil out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.
Not understanding the family business, my kids saw me slaughter a vacant stare out back. Now they're terrified of me, it's ridiculous.

User
Do not spare them, but slaughter  {n}, children, infants,  {n}, camels and donkeys.2

Do not spare them, but slaughter dos and don’ts, children, infants, hyperactive legs, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter a radical student, children, infants, a traffic cop, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter nitro-boosted performance, children, infants, a humiliated animal, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter heartlessness, children, infants, mom, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter the last condom, children, infants, Mexican forces, camels and donkeys.
Do not spare them, but slaughter a conventional man, children, infants, shaved bears, camels and donkeys.

User
what you have done to us n

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? What you have done to us.
At the coffee shop they wrote “what you have done to us” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find what you have done to us.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow What You Have Done to Us?
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for what you have done to us?
A remarkably swift recovery brings what you have done to us to a child’s face.

User
Happy is he who repays you your crimes, he who seizes  {n} of yours and dashes them against the rocks.

Happy is he who repays you your crimes, he who seizes #1 Dad of yours and dashes them against the rocks.
Happy is he who repays you your crimes, he who seizes any decent person of yours and dashes them against the rocks.
Happy is he who repays you your crimes, he who seizes horny catgirls of yours and dashes them against the rocks.
Happy is he who repays you your crimes, he who seizes a sarcastic horse of yours and dashes them against the rocks.
Happy is he who repays you your crimes, he who seizes subordinated masculinity of yours and dashes them against the rocks.
Happy is he who repays you your crimes, he who seizes a thorough examination of yours and dashes them against the rocks.

User
Muslims don't hate  {n}, they just think they need to be eliminated.

Muslims don't hate ideological differences, they just think they need to be eliminated.
Muslims don't hate the stars of the night sky, they just think they need to be eliminated.
Muslims don't hate bromance, they just think they need to be eliminated.
Muslims don't hate a creepy marionette, they just think they need to be eliminated.
Muslims don't hate the part you pee into, they just think they need to be eliminated.
Muslims don't hate a violent episode, they just think they need to be eliminated.

User
makin' people v

Makin' people like this is enough to kill a horse!
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about makin' people?
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of makin' people, so the temporary replacement uses a surgical rotary saw.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of makin' people in the soil.
Being carted away nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid makin' people.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to makin' people.

User
getting your dick touched v

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of getting your dick touched.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and getting your dick touched.
Our artisanal process ages scary men for 3 years, before going right into copycats, rapidly getting your dick touched.
Pundits agree it will take getting your dick touched for the senator to win the election.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, Grandma’s ghost, sloth, wrath, getting your dick touched, and pride.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, getting your dick touched, toilet paper, shelter, and the bitter cold.

User
being pure and heterosexual v

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be being pure and heterosexual.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re being pure and heterosexual and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
Amtrak officials confirm being pure and heterosexual would have prevented train derailment.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a watchful guard in the attic. Anyway, I’m being pure and heterosexual.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Bear Sperm Co., tapping into the growing market for being pure and heterosexual.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be ribs while I’m being pure and heterosexual!

User
a plump house-cat n

This is my second kid. My first one came out as a plump house-cat.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be a plump house-cat.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A phone booth and a plump house-cat.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find a plump house-cat so relaxing.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had an unfair coin destroyed and a plump house-cat killed as well.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into a plump house-cat and stopped.

User
my hot, lesbian sister n

At spring training a foul ball bounced off a butt poop fart in the stands and then knocked my hot, lesbian sister off the wrong man.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide my hot, lesbian sister directly.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is my hot, lesbian sister.
They don’t make my hot, lesbian sister like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a giant eraser.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to my hot, lesbian sister, even before I put on my clothes.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a mother whale with my hot, lesbian sister.

User
killing the gays v

Killing the gays brings my haunted butthole to a child’s face.
Music without the sounds of killing the gays is hardly music at all.
If you ask me, killing the gays makes good neighbors.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with killing the gays! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Then God said, “Let there be killing the gays”; and there was killing the gays. And God saw that killing the gays was good.
When I saw ball peeking I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, killing the gays, I went white as a sheet!



the gays nc

What the the gays department lacks in selection, we make up for in a barbecued meal worm.
Alexander also named a city in India “The Gays” after his dead horse.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of the gays.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found the gays.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of the gays.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring the gays.

User
two country bumpkins np

At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare two country bumpkins right at your table.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to two country bumpkins.
I pushed hard enough to snap two country bumpkins, but some powerful kind of eerie silence was blocking the door.
You can’t get two country bumpkins big enough or a new Wes Anderson movie long enough to suit me.
In a world with the Army tugging too hard, one man must overcome two country bumpkins. Coming this summer.
If you ask me, two country bumpkins makes good neighbors.

User
literal sugar tits np

I left my wife at home all day and she replaced literal sugar tits with a jaundiced view of humanity.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value literal sugar tits more. Now hold still.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of literal sugar tits.
I was so surprised to see a gigantic eyeball on a stalk that literal sugar tits fell out of my mouth.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS LITERAL SUGAR TITS SAVING ALL THE JEWS.”
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of literal sugar tits, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into mediocre tits.

User
stopping just in time v

I ordered shame privately over the Internet so I can get better at stopping just in time.
John “eating feathers” Smith. The genius who brought us stopping just in time.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a more cavernous vagina, score points by stopping just in time, and a pillar of salt shall not be on the field.
I like my women like I like a silent, anonymous encounter: stopping just in time with compressed gas.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of stopping just in time.
Here’s a certificate for stopping just in time. I am at your service.

User
a twitching hand n

If you do it right, a twitching hand is all about oiled thighs.
My favorite new band is “A Twitching Hand and Giving Birth to It”.
On Ebay you can get a twitching hand but it comes in several tiny boxes.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: The same pay and a twitching hand.
Dagnabbit! I got a twitching hand all jammed up in the wheel well again.
Great job on the proposal for making it weird, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a twitching hand.

User
being slightly incestuous v

Ever since body shaming appeared in the neighborhood, being slightly incestuous has been eyed with suspicion.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Being slightly incestuous, a light dusting of pubes and a cattle pen and a horse corral.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about being slightly incestuous?
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of being slightly incestuous.
During the war, German scientists experimented with being slightly incestuous to weaponize a church full of liars.
In my state, being slightly incestuous is a legal right for me and my native brothers.

User
a twelve-year-old Japanese girl made out of lasers n

I ordered a twelve-year-old Japanese girl made out of lasers privately over the Internet so I can get better at breaking down in a cheap motel room.
My mom picked me up a twelve-year-old Japanese girl made out of lasers from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of a twelve-year-old Japanese girl made out of lasers on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
The cineplex has been using a twelve-year-old Japanese girl made out of lasers in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted a twelve-year-old Japanese girl made out of lasers to the vastness of space.
A twelve-year-old Japanese girl made out of lasers is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.

User
smothering this child v

The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with an air-filled bladder went off early, ejecting smothering this child into the air!
Jesus is smothering this child.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value smothering this child more. Now hold still.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all smothering this child, right while I’m carefully removing my skeleton.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Smothering This Child!
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Reasonable stereotypes, smothering this child and a berserk horse.

User
getting fat v

If you have a dream about cooter muscles, it meas you’re worried about getting fat.
For my last meal I want a slut who deserved it seasoned heavily with getting fat.
Pool rules: No running. No getting fat. Keep a watchful guard out of the deep end.
I’m late to my meeting for getting fat.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got inhabitants painted on both sides, which some say encourages getting fat.
When I get older, I don’t want to be getting fat.

User
big numbers np

I think that ecstasy was cut with big numbers. After one hit I began very, very rapidly danglin’ out there all pink and naked.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to big numbers.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on big numbers when I bought the seedy underbelly.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Daddy Juice Does Big Numbers.
When the beef came at me it was like big numbers.
Wake turbulence, also known as big numbers, is turbulence that forms behind a long, winding trail of blood as it passes through the air.

User
murdering everyone who knows the secret v

We need more black cards! Maybe another one about white men with guns, but with murdering everyone who knows the secret!
Go, go, Gadget Murdering Everyone Who Knows the Secret!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then murdering everyone who knows the secret really affected me.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw murdering everyone who knows the secret for the first time!
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of murdering everyone who knows the secret.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Murdering Everyone Who Knows the Secret

User
a back-ass-wards idiot idea n

My dream house has a back-ass-wards idiot idea built in, an extra garage for I don’t know what, but BILLIONS of them, and space Nazis for the door bell.
Don’t look at me while I’m a back-ass-wards idiot idea! It messes me up!
Two best friends and my wedding ring take a road trip, and discover a back-ass-wards idiot idea along the way.
I got into my car and sat on a back-ass-wards idiot idea. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to a back-ass-wards idiot idea, even before I put on my clothes.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from wandering around with a back-ass-wards idiot idea.

User
falling literally forever v

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began falling literally forever.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into falling literally forever, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start raw recruits.
The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are jury duty and falling literally forever.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with falling literally forever.
When the beef came at me it was like falling literally forever.
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of falling literally forever, so the temporary replacement uses the very foundation.

User
humping people v

My new phone looks like it’s humping people but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to humping people.
Here’s a certificate for humping people. I am at your service.
They said humping people was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with a big bomb.
Shepherds in Scotland have used humping people for years to keep the flock from membranes.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of humping people.

User
popping out of the ground v

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by popping out of the ground.
Last night I dreamed of popping out of the ground. I cannot shake the feeling that some guy named Darryl will arrive soon.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between zigzagging wildly and popping out of the ground.
Popping out of the ground! Popping out of the ground! My kingdom for popping out of the ground!
The thief was caught stealing dad from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of popping out of the ground.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was popping out of the ground.

User
a quiet corner bistro n

During the war, German scientists experimented with feasting and slaughter to weaponize a quiet corner bistro.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began a quiet corner bistro.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a quiet corner bistro. Would you like to try our new special, slapping everything?
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Spiders Does a Quiet Corner Bistro.
When the celestial spheres align, a quiet corner bistro will descend from the heavens.
For my last meal I want an English-speaking Mexican seasoned heavily with a quiet corner bistro.

User
accidentally hitting your daughter v

I’ll never know why my grandparents find accidentally hitting your daughter so relaxing.
The survey team detected accidentally hitting your daughter at the work site so I threw no recourse in my truck and drove straight there.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got a strap-on painted on both sides, which some say encourages accidentally hitting your daughter.
When I saw a thought I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, accidentally hitting your daughter, I went white as a sheet!
In this 15th century painting, accidentally hitting your daughter is represented by a man with a gasoline enema for a head.
Accidentally hitting your daughter like this is enough to kill a horse!

User
a crazed man clinging to the ceiling n

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into a crazed man clinging to the ceiling, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start shenanigans.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from bellowing with a crazed man clinging to the ceiling.
You spent all your food-stamps on a crazed man clinging to the ceiling?!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a crazed man clinging to the ceiling.
My favorite new band is “A Crazed Man Clinging to the Ceiling and a Bad Landing”.
Ich bin ein a crazed man clinging to the ceiling.

User
a ghost that hunts white people n

Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with a ghost that hunts white people hanging in the window.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got a deceitful word painted on both sides, which some say encourages a ghost that hunts white people.
But of the tree of knowledge of a ghost that hunts white people and a protruding vein you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
A ghost that hunts white people failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward the whole sick crew.
Here on the assembly line we heat a ghost that hunts white people to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is wet like grandma does it.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into a ghost that hunts white people and stopped.

User
You know,   looks delicious, but I'm afraid to try.

You know, a quiver of love arrows looks delicious, but I'm afraid to try.
You know, long, spindly legs looks delicious, but I'm afraid to try.
You know, a plan gone horribly wrong looks delicious, but I'm afraid to try.
You know, all the king’s treasure looks delicious, but I'm afraid to try.
You know, what’s for dinner looks delicious, but I'm afraid to try.
You know, a tard looks delicious, but I'm afraid to try.

User
You have to separate the waste. This bin is for  . This one is for  , and this bin if for everything else. Oh, and put  {n} in individual zip-lock bags.3

You have to separate the waste. This bin is for a flesh wand. This one is for demonic possession, and this bin if for everything else. Oh, and put an entity in death in individual zip-lock bags.
You have to separate the waste. This bin is for theatrics. This one is for being asleep, not dead, and this bin if for everything else. Oh, and put just a video game in individual zip-lock bags.
You have to separate the waste. This bin is for neglecting a spike. This one is for the rifleman’s upper body, and this bin if for everything else. Oh, and put a big, heavy shotgun in individual zip-lock bags.
You have to separate the waste. This bin is for shoulder blades. This one is for evil thinking, and this bin if for everything else. Oh, and put shame in individual zip-lock bags.
You have to separate the waste. This bin is for a ghoulish feast. This one is for my private supply, and this bin if for everything else. Oh, and put an abomination unto God in individual zip-lock bags.
You have to separate the waste. This bin is for both emissaries. This one is for masturbating to pictures of dead animals, and this bin if for everything else. Oh, and put my sweet in individual zip-lock bags.

User
The patient kept screaming "   ". Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and  {n} emerged!3

The patient kept screaming "no wheelchair access the roof". Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and no recourse emerged!
The patient kept screaming "nothing at all the ashes of your beloved dog". Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and gut-wrenching testimony emerged!
The patient kept screaming "a perfect vacuum putting up with you". Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and an enraged bee emerged!
The patient kept screaming "the instructions running until you die". Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and swindling queers emerged!
The patient kept screaming "being unfit to even live a surgical rotary saw". Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and Gene Simmons’ tongue emerged!
The patient kept screaming "a corresponding rise in wages being the small spoon". Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a suitcase full of guns and money emerged!

User
While I was working on the radio tower  {n} came loose and swung right into  {n}!2

While I was working on the radio tower nothing good came loose and swung right into irresponsible parenting!
While I was working on the radio tower a “magic wand” came loose and swung right into a tight fit!
While I was working on the radio tower a good thing for the heart came loose and swung right into a broken lock!
While I was working on the radio tower inertia came loose and swung right into my sexual partners!
While I was working on the radio tower thunderclaps came loose and swung right into a pale reflection!
While I was working on the radio tower filthy underpants came loose and swung right into tight clothes!

User
The destruction of   is a tragedy. The destruction of   is business as usual.2

The destruction of a cranky, foul mouthed old lady is a tragedy. The destruction of an even stupider idea is business as usual.
The destruction of extra padding for my butt is a tragedy. The destruction of radicalizing the natives is business as usual.
The destruction of an enraged bee is a tragedy. The destruction of my replacement is business as usual.
The destruction of a nurse is a tragedy. The destruction of a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft is business as usual.
The destruction of nutters running around with chainsaws is a tragedy. The destruction of putting on pants is business as usual.
The destruction of the yellow line down the middle of the road is a tragedy. The destruction of water is business as usual.

User
slapping me bum-bum v

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was slapping me bum-bum.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always slapping me bum-bum. Always.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be slapping me bum-bum while I’m bear sperm!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into slapping me bum-bum! She’s 62!
Last night I dreamed of slapping me bum-bum. I cannot shake the feeling that a tacky, god-awful facelift will arrive soon.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s slapping me bum-bum.

User
Don't insult  , lots of people are  . Hell, aren't some of our neighbors  ?1

Don't insult mood enhancing hormones, lots of people are mood enhancing hormones. Hell, aren't some of our neighbors mood enhancing hormones?
Don't insult proving she’s a witch, lots of people are proving she’s a witch. Hell, aren't some of our neighbors proving she’s a witch?
Don't insult a bunch of vulvas in my face, lots of people are a bunch of vulvas in my face. Hell, aren't some of our neighbors a bunch of vulvas in my face?
Don't insult effective limits, lots of people are effective limits. Hell, aren't some of our neighbors effective limits?
Don't insult a madhouse! A madhouse!, lots of people are a madhouse! A madhouse!. Hell, aren't some of our neighbors a madhouse! A madhouse!?
Don't insult a wet burst, lots of people are a wet burst. Hell, aren't some of our neighbors a wet burst?

User
my transparent panties n

When the beef came at me it was like my transparent panties.
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw my transparent panties at a player from the stands.
Alexander also named a city in India “My Transparent Panties” after his dead horse.
I got into my car and sat on my transparent panties. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “my transparent panties” incident in the science lab.
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got my transparent panties before every meeting.

User
a scimitar twirling terrorist n

In this game you get to collect mediocre tits and craft a scimitar twirling terrorist.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a scimitar twirling terrorist onto the International Space Station.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find a scimitar twirling terrorist.
Go, go, Gadget a Scimitar Twirling Terrorist!
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a scimitar twirling terrorist, would you be a scimitar twirling terrorist as well?”
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing a scimitar twirling terrorist, since we’re so good at it.

User
the prettiest pixie n

Chimps in the wild have been observed using the prettiest pixie to forage for food.
Music without the sounds of the prettiest pixie is hardly music at all.
The prettiest pixie nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid the real judge of me.
Honey, you can’t keep putting the prettiest pixie down the garbage disposal!
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from the prettiest pixie.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but the prettiest pixie.

User
a purring kitten n

When the stadium was demolished it ejected a purring kitten, which hung in the air for days.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a Facebook post, with mostly unused hypodermics around the edges, and a purring kitten on top.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a purring kitten.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a purring kitten.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a purring kitten with the ashes of your beloved dog.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around a purring kitten.

User
Snoop Dogg's magic umbrella n

Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into Snoop Dogg's magic umbrella and stopped.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put Snoop Dogg's magic umbrella in the pillows.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw Snoop Dogg's magic umbrella overboard!
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me Snoop Dogg's magic umbrella while we were still in the car.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, Snoop Dogg's magic umbrella emerged.
I chipped my tooth on regular contact. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t Snoop Dogg's magic umbrella.



2Pac's golden uzi n

Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of 2Pac's golden uzi scissoring.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing 2Pac's golden uzi, since we’re so good at it.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up 2Pac's golden uzi on the porch to surprise the kids.
Whenever I cook 2Pac's golden uzi I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into the brave men and women fighting for us.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in 2Pac's golden uzi.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling 2Pac's golden uzi. The driver was sinking into the mud.



Biggie Smalls' gangsta flava nc

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience Biggie Smalls' gangsta flava like I was really there.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on a line when I bought Biggie Smalls' gangsta flava.
Dagnabbit! I got Biggie Smalls' gangsta flava all jammed up in the wheel well again.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at Biggie Smalls' gangsta flava and my card appeared in unsuspecting bystanders!
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using giving birth to it to treat Biggie Smalls' gangsta flava!
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “Biggie Smalls' gangsta flava.”



50 Cent's best crack pipe n

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had grandma’s soggy diaper removed so he could be 50 Cent's best crack pipe.
Help! I’m 50 Cent's best crack pipe and I need YOU to do something about it!
The TSA has made new rules mandating 50 Cent's best crack pipe on every commercial flight.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in 50 Cent's best crack pipe.
I’m late to my meeting for 50 Cent's best crack pipe.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s my nuggets, late at night, with firing ports around the edges, and 50 Cent's best crack pipe on top.

User
wandering eyes np

I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, wandering eyes popped out!
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of all our faces, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into wandering eyes.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned wandering eyes. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of wandering eyes in the soil.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from a slot, and the eco-glass windows trap in wandering eyes.
The city put in new road signs to indicate wandering eyes just up ahead.

User
makin' hot gravy v

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always makin' hot gravy. Always.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with a ghoulish feast jumping and nipping at me from below and even makin' hot gravy.
I think that ecstasy was cut with maximum attitude. After one hit I began very, very rapidly makin' hot gravy.
They said makin' hot gravy was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with affectionate biting.
A lifetime of makin' hot gravy awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
The authorities followed the trail of makin' hot gravy, leading them straight to the suspect.

User
a hot beef injection n

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide a hot beef injection directly.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by a hot beef injection.
My house. 8 o’clock. A hot beef injection.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate a hot beef injection.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about hot biscuits & gravy and a hot beef injection. Should I talk to him?
I was so surprised to see a hot beef injection that shaved bears fell out of my mouth.

User
Who so pulleth out this sword of  {n} shall be  {scv}.2

Who so pulleth out this sword of hors d’oeuvres shall be having a zero-value existence.
Who so pulleth out this sword of many people shall be a wayward dental implant.
Who so pulleth out this sword of swamp ass shall be a debased woman.
Who so pulleth out this sword of bodily functions gone awry shall be gunfire.
Who so pulleth out this sword of every part of the buffalo shall be a “magic wand”.
Who so pulleth out this sword of every step of the way shall be springing into action.

User
not quite tipping over v

Not quite tipping over isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
Ich bin ein not quite tipping over.
If you have a dream about thinness, it meas you’re worried about not quite tipping over.
Here on the assembly line we heat nature’s candy to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is not quite tipping over.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re not quite tipping over and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find not quite tipping over so relaxing.

User
dude after dude nc

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from an enhanced interrogation, and the eco-glass windows trap in dude after dude.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to dude after dude.
Dude after dude: It’s nature’s candy!
Everything I need to live on a desert island: An episode of sudden mass assault against people or objects with dude after dude.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “dude after dude”.
Man invented ceaseless chanting, so woman invented dude after dude.

User
 {n}, thought to be lost forever in a plane crash in the Mediterranean, now being hauled out of the sea by Greek fishermen, along with   in a state of ruin.2

the absolute verifiable truth, thought to be lost forever in a plane crash in the Mediterranean, now being hauled out of the sea by Greek fishermen, along with half a man in a state of ruin.
white men with guns, thought to be lost forever in a plane crash in the Mediterranean, now being hauled out of the sea by Greek fishermen, along with door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes in a state of ruin.
grunting mermaids, thought to be lost forever in a plane crash in the Mediterranean, now being hauled out of the sea by Greek fishermen, along with two F-bombs in a state of ruin.
the pelvis, thought to be lost forever in a plane crash in the Mediterranean, now being hauled out of the sea by Greek fishermen, along with nothing much in a state of ruin.
a shard of shrapnel, thought to be lost forever in a plane crash in the Mediterranean, now being hauled out of the sea by Greek fishermen, along with the real adversary in a state of ruin.
a girl on roller skates, thought to be lost forever in a plane crash in the Mediterranean, now being hauled out of the sea by Greek fishermen, along with attacking everything in your path in a state of ruin.

User
goin' to the cemetery to set traps v

Shepherds in Scotland have used goin' to the cemetery to set traps for years to keep the flock from the first chimp in space.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw goin' to the cemetery to set traps for the first time!
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of barely any swag and a mouthfeel like goin' to the cemetery to set traps.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into goin' to the cemetery to set traps.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Goin' to the Cemetery to Set Traps
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as goin' to the cemetery to set traps or impressing the most neutral observers.

User
a very fertile pussycat n

The new bill before congress would mandate a very fertile pussycat in all K-through-12 classrooms.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for a very fertile pussycat.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: An episode of sudden mass assault against people or objects with a very fertile pussycat.
It’s lucky to touch a very fertile pussycat; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on a very fertile pussycat.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a very fertile pussycat and the world’s fastest pump.

User
a heliotropic penis n

The survey team detected endangered animals at the work site so I threw a heliotropic penis in my truck and drove straight there.
My publisher demanded I remove a heliotropic penis from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found a heliotropic penis.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to a heliotropic penis, even before I put on my clothes.
There’s no reason for a heliotropic penis before breakfast.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into a heliotropic penis.

User
Warchief Bloodmoor's minions np

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Warchief Bloodmoor's Minions”! I shook his hand and it felt like Warchief Bloodmoor's minions.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Untwisting Co., tapping into the growing market for Warchief Bloodmoor's minions.
My nightly ritual involves Warchief Bloodmoor's minions, mailing anthrax, and finally getting all obsessed just as I fall asleep.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a big bomb, but now for work I’m Warchief Bloodmoor's minions. Go figure!
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with Warchief Bloodmoor's minions jumping and nipping at me from below and even laughing and lying.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Warchief Bloodmoor's Minions and You”.

User
a massive, hissing centipede n

When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a massive, hissing centipede over my head, but chugging NyQuil™ got in the way.
For my last meal I want a mistake seasoned heavily with a massive, hissing centipede.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a massive, hissing centipede?
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a massive, hissing centipede that overturned their car.
I was vacuuming when I sucked a massive, hissing centipede out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a lump in the blanket came out too!
The TSA has made new rules mandating a massive, hissing centipede on every commercial flight.

User
the president n

I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with the president.
Last Christmas, I gave you the president. The very next day, you gave it away.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy the president one ounce at a time.
In my wild days I was smearing blood all over the bathroom, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with the president on the New Mexico border.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore the president in a very realistic way.
The president isn’t getting old, but I sure am!

User
an axe-swinging Viking n

An axe-swinging Viking has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be an axe-swinging Viking.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned an axe-swinging Viking. As a result, his men were well motivated.
The cruiseliner struck an axe-swinging Viking and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with assault preparations.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at an axe-swinging Viking and my card appeared in an army of 35,000 men!
Although moving away from an axe-swinging Viking proved effective for schools, the switch to the measure of a man initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.

User
Nazi Germany n

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is Nazi Germany.
Her inheritance was squandered upon Nazi Germany while Cinderella was abused and forced to become the white man in her own home.
Pundits agree it will take Nazi Germany for the senator to win the election.
You can’t get Nazi Germany big enough or a Christmas tree long enough to suit me.
Ever since Nazi Germany appeared in the neighborhood, new rules from on high has been eyed with suspicion.
Can I get some floss? There’s Nazi Germany between my teeth.

User
acting mature for once v

On the assembly line we heat a busy bee to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is acting mature for once.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “acting mature for once.”
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was acting mature for once.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with 19 cannons jumping and nipping at me from below and even acting mature for once.
Acting mature for once brings ionizing radiation to a child’s face.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by acting mature for once.

User
a barkin' pussy n

Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “A Barkin' Pussy and You”.
Whenever I cook a barkin' pussy I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into a wall of spikes.
The new top grade of gasoline has a barkin' pussy as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
When the stadium was demolished it ejected a barkin' pussy, which hung in the air for days.
A barkin' pussy brings secretions to a child’s face.
I tried to sneak out of the store with a healthy fantasy life under one arm and a barkin' pussy down my pants.

User
eatin' possum, mmm-mmm v

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as eatin' possum, mmm-mmm.
Let a Kazakhstani grandma host your next party, providing eatin' possum, mmm-mmm like you’ve never seen before.
They said eatin' possum, mmm-mmm was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with the southwest corner.
In this 15th century painting, eatin' possum, mmm-mmm is represented by a man with a code to live by for a head.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of eatin' possum, mmm-mmm in the soil.
During the war, German scientists experimented with eatin' possum, mmm-mmm to weaponize the good cop.

User
accidental suicide nc

Everything I need to live on a desert island: Accidental suicide with spinning blades.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're accidental suicide!
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to accidental suicide.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with accidental suicide.
In this game you get to collect accidental suicide and craft the latest fad.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began accidental suicide.

User
squeezing a swollen gland v

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “squeezing a swollen gland.”
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Squeezing a Swollen Gland
I’m getting hatred for children installed in my car, so I can be squeezing a swollen gland while I drive.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into ill-advised business decisions, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start squeezing a swollen gland.
Pundits agree it will take squeezing a swollen gland for the senator to win the election.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for squeezing a swollen gland?

User
sounding like "SHOOOOM!" v

Come on down to Golden Corral™ for sounding like "SHOOOOM!".
Amtrak officials confirm sounding like "SHOOOOM!" would have prevented train derailment.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of sounding like "SHOOOOM!" in the soil.
Wake turbulence, also known as sounding like "SHOOOOM!", is turbulence that forms behind sliced vegetables as it passes through the air.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember sounding like "SHOOOOM!"?”
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Sounding like "SHOOOOM!".

User
getting distracted v

More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and getting distracted in the Philippines.
Pool rules: No running. No getting distracted. Keep a bag of duck vaginas out of the deep end.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Getting Distracted.
Getting distracted failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a big chicken order.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of goat porn-loving bot that hates getting distracted.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of getting distracted heard remote.

User
Opinions are like  {n}. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.

Opinions are like a dead clown on the stairs. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Opinions are like a way rude hunger. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Opinions are like a debased woman. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Opinions are like a garbage truck. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Opinions are like a cat in a paper bag. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Opinions are like wet dog smell. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.


User
Is that  ? Makes ya look purdier than butter on toast.

Is that a horizontal ass crack? Makes ya look purdier than butter on toast.
Is that the ashes of your beloved dog? Makes ya look purdier than butter on toast.
Is that mounting? Makes ya look purdier than butter on toast.
Is that a makeshift defensive structure? Makes ya look purdier than butter on toast.
Is that due time? Makes ya look purdier than butter on toast.
Is that newer technology? Makes ya look purdier than butter on toast.

User
dilling my pickle v

The authorities followed the trail of dilling my pickle, leading them straight to the suspect.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift sloppy seconds over my head, but dilling my pickle got in the way.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be dilling my pickle if I wanted a new family.
The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are dilling my pickle and a traffic cop.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of jury duty dilling my pickle.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by dilling my pickle.

User
mah huntin' rifle, yee-haw n

My mom picked me up mah huntin' rifle, yee-haw from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by mah huntin' rifle, yee-haw and a pill for every problem.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around mah huntin' rifle, yee-haw.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of oozing holes in history, rode into battle atop mah huntin' rifle, yee-haw.
I was vacuuming when I sucked all the leopards out from under the couch. I kept pulling until mah huntin' rifle, yee-haw came out too!
You stole mah huntin' rifle, yee-haw from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re going as deep as possible and you’re going to hell!

User
pressing myself into it v

If you kids don’t stop pressing myself into it, I will turn the body around!
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Pressing Myself into It” syndrome!
Hark! What pressing myself into it through yonder window breaks?
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Pressing Myself into It Co., tapping into the growing market for that fly in here.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into pressing myself into it.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of pressing myself into it.

User
ditching the kids v

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Becoming an Adult Co., tapping into the growing market for ditching the kids.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Ditching the Kids” syndrome!
My dream house has rude kids built in, an extra garage for ditching the kids, and a dream for the door bell.
This year’s hottest new fashion is ditching the kids on your head.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Ditching the Kids”! I shook his hand and it felt like ditching the kids.
My new phone looks like it’s ditching the kids but I don’t mind. It makes calls.

User
my embarrasingly affectionate father n

I want to be buried with my embarrasingly affectionate father.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of My Embarrasingly Affectionate Father.
Here on the assembly line we heat my embarrasingly affectionate father to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is tunneling around.
Don’t shake my Judo bikini so hard, it’ll start my embarrasingly affectionate father.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be my embarrasingly affectionate father.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of my embarrasingly affectionate father in the soil.

User
a rampaging golem n

The night before Easter, we’ll set up a rampaging golem on the porch to surprise the kids.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of a rampaging golem.
I’m getting cooties installed in my car, so I can be a rampaging golem while I drive.
I went rafting, saw a rampaging golem in the river, no big deal.
A rampaging golem has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a rampaging golem.

User
murderous jealousy n

The terrorists will execute murderous jealousy every 20 minutes until they receive why I suck at this job.
I didn’t think this house would sell with human murder in the attic. Anyway, I’m murderous jealousy.
Howdy neighbor, love murderous jealousy! Let’s get fat guys dressed as Sailor Moon sometime!
Can I get some floss? There’s murderous jealousy between my teeth.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as murderous jealousy surfaced from below.
Murderous jealousy: It’s nature’s candy!

User
a man with busy hands n

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was a man with busy hands.
I can’t swing the recent tragedy in Africa around here without hitting a man with busy hands!
At the skating rink there was a man with busy hands and everyone fell down at once.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted a man with busy hands to the vastness of space.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise a man with busy hands by rewarding them with being unfit to even live.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with a man with busy hands.

User
a surprisingly attractive crack whore n

The city put in new road signs to indicate a surprisingly attractive crack whore just up ahead.
I wasn’t always black... there was a surprisingly attractive crack whore, and it got bigger and bigger.
My car looks like it’s a surprisingly attractive crack whore but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
If you kids don’t stop slipping on a jizz slick, I will turn a surprisingly attractive crack whore around!
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be a surprisingly attractive crack whore if I wanted a new family.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw a surprisingly attractive crack whore overboard!

User
a slut who will do anything n

The terrorists will execute a slut who will do anything every 20 minutes until they receive maximum attitude.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience a slut who will do anything like I was really there.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a slut who will do anything.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “A Slut Who Will Do Anything!” You’re cursed with a big surprise until the end of the game!
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a slut who will do anything went off early, ejecting kissing ass into the air!
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a slut who will do anything, sloth, wrath, bad words, and pride.

User
a terrifying emptiness n

I found out why I’m always sick... they found a terrifying emptiness in the walls at my office.
Getting a terrifying emptiness back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a terrifying emptiness.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of a terrifying emptiness, the S.W.A.T. team, and a good thing for the heart.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a terrifying emptiness?
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a terrifying emptiness that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.

User
bland salsa and stale fucking chips nc

Hark! What bland salsa and stale fucking chips through yonder window breaks?
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into bland salsa and stale fucking chips and stopped.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around bland salsa and stale fucking chips.
This workplace has gone (0) days without bland salsa and stale fucking chips.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of bland salsa and stale fucking chips heard remote.
Pundits agree it will take bland salsa and stale fucking chips for the senator to win the election.

User
literal sugar tits np

Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to literal sugar tits.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with literal sugar tits.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for literal sugar tits?
Authorities were tallying damage from literal sugar tits that struck southern California Friday evening.
It’s not delivery. It’s literal sugar tits.
I can’t believe you guys went pulling off pants without me! Loop me in next time, I want literal sugar tits too!

User
this worthless orphan n

The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of a good soak, so the temporary replacement uses this worthless orphan.
I didn’t think this house would sell with this worthless orphan in the attic. Anyway, I’m blindness.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride this worthless orphan. It made me feel like I was your signature manoeuvre.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt this worthless orphan in the sea.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of this worthless orphan in its food processing operations.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Cabin Fever Does This Worthless Orphan.

User
a grenade in the sock drawer n

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had balls caught in the car window destroyed and a grenade in the sock drawer killed as well.
Our artisanal process ages a grenade in the sock drawer for 3 years, before going right into M. Night Shyamalan-a-ding-dong, rapidly bursting exuberantly onto the national scene.
Then God said, “Let there be a grenade in the sock drawer”; and there was a grenade in the sock drawer. And God saw that a grenade in the sock drawer was good.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a grenade in the sock drawer.”
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: A Grenade in the Sock Drawer Blast!
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out a grenade in the sock drawer.

User
shouldering most of the blame v

That’s not funny. My dad was killed by shouldering most of the blame.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into making sure no one sees, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start shouldering most of the blame.
Throughout human history, shouldering most of the blame has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
My religion demands that I must abstain from the orbital socket. Shouldering most of the blame however, is OK.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then shouldering most of the blame really affected me.
You stole a royal fleet of galleys from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re shouldering most of the blame and you’re going to hell!

User
terrorizing a toddler v

The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're terrorizing a toddler!
I can’t believe you guys went terrorizing a toddler without me! Loop me in next time, I want just a video game too!
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with terrorizing a toddler.
Last night I dreamed of terrorizing a toddler. I cannot shake the feeling that the stillness of death will arrive soon.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in terrorizing a toddler.
In the public terrorizing a toddler model, a third-party service provider delivers the terrorizing a toddler service over the Internet.

User
terrorizing that pussy v

There is no revenge so complete as terrorizing that pussy.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am an exploding car. Would you like to try our new special, terrorizing that pussy?
When the beef came at me it was like terrorizing that pussy.
At the coffee shop they wrote “terrorizing that pussy” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
In this 15th century painting, terrorizing that pussy is represented by a man with a gaunt face for a head.
At the winery tour we saw how they put kevlar underwear and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like terrorizing that pussy.

User
Try   without sounding ridiculous. That means neither stifling yourself nor spraying your immediate vicinity.

Try a weak little person without sounding ridiculous. That means neither stifling yourself nor spraying your immediate vicinity.
Try body shaming without sounding ridiculous. That means neither stifling yourself nor spraying your immediate vicinity.
Try diplomatic support without sounding ridiculous. That means neither stifling yourself nor spraying your immediate vicinity.
Try torturing your family without sounding ridiculous. That means neither stifling yourself nor spraying your immediate vicinity.
Try a top hat full of assholes without sounding ridiculous. That means neither stifling yourself nor spraying your immediate vicinity.
Try gay shit without sounding ridiculous. That means neither stifling yourself nor spraying your immediate vicinity.


User
When I jumped off a roof in New York in   costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

When I jumped off a roof in New York in a clever bastard costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
When I jumped off a roof in New York in skin slack costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
When I jumped off a roof in New York in the power-off switch costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
When I jumped off a roof in New York in my momma’s fatness costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
When I jumped off a roof in New York in a friend costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.
When I jumped off a roof in New York in startling a tweaker costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

User
Alan Rickman's cursed warlock skull n

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from all white moms, and the eco-glass windows trap in Alan Rickman's cursed warlock skull.
What the real human interaction department lacks in selection, we make up for in Alan Rickman's cursed warlock skull.
The new top grade of gasoline has Alan Rickman's cursed warlock skull as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
The terrorists will execute Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s frilly neckerchief every 20 minutes until they receive Alan Rickman's cursed warlock skull.
Alan Rickman's cursed warlock skull isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
Here’s a certificate for Alan Rickman's cursed warlock skull. I am at your service.

User
the latte Christian Bale ordered half an hour ago n

In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy the latte Christian Bale ordered half an hour ago one ounce at a time.
Daddy! There’s the latte Christian Bale ordered half an hour ago under my bed. Kill it kill it!
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Repair Service!” You’re cursed with the latte Christian Bale ordered half an hour ago until the end of the game!
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, the latte Christian Bale ordered half an hour ago popped out!
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always the latte Christian Bale ordered half an hour ago. Always.
When the stadium was demolished it ejected the latte Christian Bale ordered half an hour ago, which hung in the air for days.

User
I was trimming  {n} when I noticed a blood stain. I screamed so loud  {n} jumped straight up!2

I was trimming an entire 8th-grader when I noticed a blood stain. I screamed so loud shavings jumped straight up!
I was trimming Schadenfreude when I noticed a blood stain. I screamed so loud half the people around here jumped straight up!
I was trimming voluminous hair when I noticed a blood stain. I screamed so loud nine guys you fucked jumped straight up!
I was trimming a small child with no arms on a buttered skateboard when I noticed a blood stain. I screamed so loud Vietnam War 2 jumped straight up!
I was trimming bodily fluids when I noticed a blood stain. I screamed so loud a gut jumped straight up!
I was trimming pirate booty when I noticed a blood stain. I screamed so loud a urinal cake jumped straight up!

User
The only deaths from   are in prison and at the hands of police. This is ridiculous.

The only deaths from brimming with babies are in prison and at the hands of police. This is ridiculous.
The only deaths from slaughter are in prison and at the hands of police. This is ridiculous.
The only deaths from a fish choad are in prison and at the hands of police. This is ridiculous.
The only deaths from recalled pizza with glass in it are in prison and at the hands of police. This is ridiculous.
The only deaths from this strife are in prison and at the hands of police. This is ridiculous.
The only deaths from a squeaky-clean bottom are in prison and at the hands of police. This is ridiculous.

User
literally shivering me timbers v

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide literally shivering me timbers directly.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a glass rod-loving bot that hates literally shivering me timbers.
When I get older, I don’t want to be literally shivering me timbers.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was hot biscuits & gravy, part was literally shivering me timbers, and it was crowned with a vast treasury of specimens.
You stole cardiac arrest from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re literally shivering me timbers and you’re going to hell!
And my mother said, “How come you’re not literally shivering me timbers like your brother?”

User
an excuse to get naked n

See now black people walk like an excuse to get naked. But white people -- white people walk like they’re Christopher Lloyd holding a dog!
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: An Excuse to Get Naked Does the Army.
Here’s a certificate for an excuse to get naked. I am at your service.
Thanks for an excuse to get naked. Now get out of my bed!
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of a robotic policeman, an excuse to get naked, and hand-to-hand combat.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually an excuse to get naked.

User
In the first Battle of   he faced  {n}, and with one great blow he split them in half.2

In the first Battle of an emerging sense of national identity he faced 100% plastic adult toys, and with one great blow he split them in half.
In the first Battle of desperate dog sex he faced nuances, and with one great blow he split them in half.
In the first Battle of hate-fucking he faced my point of view, and with one great blow he split them in half.
In the first Battle of following your boner around the room he faced a Kazakhstani grandma, and with one great blow he split them in half.
In the first Battle of untameable wildlings he faced a pill for every problem, and with one great blow he split them in half.
In the first Battle of a big stink he faced the big ol’ boys, and with one great blow he split them in half.

User
Senator, give us   biannually and you'll get our vote.

Senator, give us being stuck forever biannually and you'll get our vote.
Senator, give us the ’80s biannually and you'll get our vote.
Senator, give us a utility belt biannually and you'll get our vote.
Senator, give us a glass pane biannually and you'll get our vote.
Senator, give us money biannually and you'll get our vote.
Senator, give us glittery eyelashes biannually and you'll get our vote.

User
She was built the way I like 'em. Slender, muscled, like  {n}. She was the spitting image of  .2

She was built the way I like 'em. Slender, muscled, like $200 worth of Taco Bell™. She was the spitting image of getting groped by a senator.
She was built the way I like 'em. Slender, muscled, like the hand in my pocket. She was the spitting image of ample legroom.
She was built the way I like 'em. Slender, muscled, like a cataclysmic magic spell. She was the spitting image of this strife.
She was built the way I like 'em. Slender, muscled, like a homeless man jerking it on the bus. She was the spitting image of a gentle kiss on the teeth.
She was built the way I like 'em. Slender, muscled, like a spooky mummy. She was the spitting image of just rockin’ that ass.
She was built the way I like 'em. Slender, muscled, like an exit wound. She was the spitting image of godless heathens.

User
I finally let down my hair when I saw  {n} come through the door. And damn it, now I have to make  {n}.2

I finally let down my hair when I saw a horizontal ass crack come through the door. And damn it, now I have to make mood enhancing hormones.
I finally let down my hair when I saw the majestic Humboldt squid come through the door. And damn it, now I have to make black magic orgasms.
I finally let down my hair when I saw dressing come through the door. And damn it, now I have to make the mud pits.
I finally let down my hair when I saw 100 steps come through the door. And damn it, now I have to make a Christmas tree.
I finally let down my hair when I saw a mind-erasing kit come through the door. And damn it, now I have to make outrageous fortune.
I finally let down my hair when I saw ground control come through the door. And damn it, now I have to make shitty chairs from IKEA®.

User
stinking up the place v

But I promised my kids they could get stinking up the place for Christmas!
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of violent docking, coming in hard stinking up the place.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Stinking up the Place” and it helps me with thirst.
Help! I’m stinking up the place and I need YOU to do something about it!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then stinking up the place really affected me.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk stinking up the place.

User
scratching till it bleeds v

Here on the assembly line we heat fate to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is scratching till it bleeds.
Wake turbulence, also known as scratching till it bleeds, is turbulence that forms behind slaughter as it passes through the air.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into scratching till it bleeds! She’s 62!
During the war, German scientists experimented with scratching till it bleeds to weaponize plenty of everything.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began scratching till it bleeds.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride your name. It made me feel like I was scratching till it bleeds.

User
getting forced to pee outdoors v

Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like getting forced to pee outdoors.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, landlubbers, toilet paper, shelter, and getting forced to pee outdoors.
Pundits agree it will take getting forced to pee outdoors for the senator to win the election.
Music without the sounds of getting forced to pee outdoors is hardly music at all.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Getting Forced to Pee Outdoors
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for getting forced to pee outdoors.

User
pressing it against the ol' butt cheeks v

I need help with my computer! I downloaded not another leopard and now I’m having trouble with pressing it against the ol' butt cheeks.
Don’t look at me while I’m pressing it against the ol' butt cheeks! It messes me up!
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into pressing it against the ol' butt cheeks, get to the front of the line.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like pressing it against the ol' butt cheeks.
They said pressing it against the ol' butt cheeks was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with a head full of teeth.
In my state, pressing it against the ol' butt cheeks is a legal right for me and my native brothers.

User
slurping up the remainder v

I can’t believe you forced my mom into slurping up the remainder! She’s 62!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by slurping up the remainder.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of slurping up the remainder.
Let a riding crop host your next party, providing slurping up the remainder like you’ve never seen before.
You stole a wayward dental implant from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re slurping up the remainder and you’re going to hell!
Dad! I’m all done slurping up the remainder, so I have my mom teaching sex ed left over if you’re still interested.

User
even more bees np

The city condemned our house after finding even more bees in the crawlspace.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: a-velvet-fist@even-more-bees.net
My kid was acting like sandpaper, so I took away even more bees privileges.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value even more bees more. Now hold still.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of even more bees.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be making it weird while I’m even more bees!

User
what's basically just a naked lady n

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for what's basically just a naked lady.
During my driving test, I backed my car into what's basically just a naked lady. I still got an 85!
What's basically just a naked lady is the only way to say goodbye.
The water tower looks like it’s what's basically just a naked lady from this angle.
Last Christmas, everyone got an underwear shoot under the tree and what's basically just a naked lady in their stockings!
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to what's basically just a naked lady.

User
being deep inside each other v

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began being deep inside each other.
Apparently, “Being Deep Inside Each Other” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with being deep inside each other.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Being Deep Inside Each Other”! I shook his hand and it felt like being deep inside each other.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of 50 years, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into being deep inside each other.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide being deep inside each other directly.

User
feeling really good about my penis v

My favorite new band is “Various Fluids and Feeling Really Good About My Penis”.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began feeling really good about my penis.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from feeling really good about my penis, and the eco-glass windows trap in a finely sculpted buttock.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is feeling really good about my penis.
Always walk into an interview with some dead guy’s money and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate feeling really good about my penis.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with feeling really good about my penis.

User
this stupid wizard n

Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value this stupid wizard more. Now hold still.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have this stupid wizard.
Happiness: This stupid wizard, various fluids, and big men.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under this stupid wizard.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by this stupid wizard.
You stole a bad time from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re this stupid wizard and you’re going to hell!

User
lethal radiation nc

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Lethal radiation and Coach Diddleplayers.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide lethal radiation directly.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of lethal radiation.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of lethal radiation.
I need a hotel room with lethal radiation, and I need the moron I hired to kill you brought to me every four hours.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to lethal radiation.

User
a mafia hitman n

My religion demands that I must abstain from a mafia hitman. Aged beef however, is OK.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Mafia Hitman.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with a mafia hitman.
It’s not delivery. It’s a mafia hitman.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a mafia hitman.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is a mafia hitman.

User
ripping out their brains v

My dream house has animalistic hunger built in, an extra garage for ripping out their brains, and baby eels for the door bell.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began ripping out their brains.
Ripping out their brains failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a secret elevator button.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only an elite Korean hacker and ripping out their brains.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on ripping out their brains.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember ripping out their brains?”

User
my little poochy-poo n

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of my little poochy-poo came on the screen.
Always walk into an interview with my little poochy-poo and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate accidentally decking a cop in the head.
My little poochy-poo: It’s nature’s candy!
I got into my car and sat on my little poochy-poo. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
The hardware store didn’t have my little poochy-poo left, so I got a watermelon.
In this game you get to collect pastel colors and craft my little poochy-poo.

User
screwing the pooch v

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than screwing the pooch.
Let’s wait for a lack of ideas to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get screwing the pooch.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into screwing the pooch.
My nightly ritual involves quick-set cement, screwing the pooch, and finally a sexually aggressive woman just as I fall asleep.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with screwing the pooch! It’s all here in my manifesto!
When I saw bodily harm I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, screwing the pooch, I went white as a sheet!

User
busting the most delicious nut in the world v

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began busting the most delicious nut in the world.
The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are busting the most delicious nut in the world and a choir of angels.
In my wild days I was busting the most delicious nut in the world, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with body parts of celebrities on the New Mexico border.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always busting the most delicious nut in the world. Always.
The cruiseliner struck the tickle zone and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with busting the most delicious nut in the world.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between busting the most delicious nut in the world and giving birth to your own parents.

User
the epitome of sin n

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking the epitome of sin onto the International Space Station.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned the epitome of sin. As a result, his men were well motivated.
John “the epitome of sin” Smith. The genius who brought us a dog boner.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with the epitome of sin.
There’s no reason for the epitome of sin before breakfast.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a crack and a mouthfeel like the epitome of sin.

User
Elijah Wood's baby blues np

At LAX travelers were horrified to see Elijah Wood's baby blues spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around Elijah Wood's baby blues on the freeway.
Whenever I cook cannibals I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into Elijah Wood's baby blues.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: Elijah Wood's baby blues.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt Elijah Wood's baby blues in the sea.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under Elijah Wood's baby blues.

User
Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm n

You spent all your food-stamps on Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm?!
Getting Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm.
At Boeing R&D, we test Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm by connecting through what may become a boner to a special 10,000-volt battery.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with Charlie Sheen's punchin' arm and a mysterious boy who fights the yellow line down the middle of the road.

User
J. K. Rowling's strong chin n

J. K. Rowling's strong chin! J. K. Rowling's strong chin! My kingdom for J. K. Rowling's strong chin!
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like J. K. Rowling's strong chin.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of dos and don’ts, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into J. K. Rowling's strong chin.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in J. K. Rowling's strong chin.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with J. K. Rowling's strong chin.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around J. K. Rowling's strong chin on the freeway.

User
my fella n

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took my fella to the funeral.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of My Fella”! I shook his hand and it felt like my fella.
The terrorists will execute my fella every 20 minutes until they receive your idiot ideas.
I can’t believe you guys went getting crushed between two trucks without me! Loop me in next time, I want my fella too!
My pharmacist separated the Handsome Boy Modeling School into two piles, and carefully lowered one into my fella.
Honey, you can’t keep putting my fella down the garbage disposal!

User
a camel that won't stop following you n

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a camel that won't stop following you.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at M. Night Shyamalan-a-ding-dong and my card appeared in a camel that won't stop following you!
Men, like my first time, go farthest when they are a camel that won't stop following you.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a camel that won't stop following you and a mouthfeel like carrion birds.
But I promised my kids they could get a camel that won't stop following you for Christmas!
Always walk into an interview with a pregnant teen and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a camel that won't stop following you.

User
a cat darting around frantically n

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a cat darting around frantically came on the screen.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a cat darting around frantically.
Every French soldier carries a cat darting around frantically in his knapsack.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a cat darting around frantically. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a cat darting around frantically.
I buried my treasure under a cat darting around frantically so you’d never find it!

User
grabbing my body v

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had the bowel fairy removed so he could be grabbing my body.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be sinuses while I’m grabbing my body!
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about sex smell and grabbing my body. Should I talk to him?
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “grabbing my body”.
My house. 8 o’clock. Grabbing my body.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with so many dudes went off early, ejecting grabbing my body into the air!

User
a god damned poisonous snake n

Don’t look at me while I’m a god damned poisonous snake! It messes me up!
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with a god damned poisonous snake.
A god damned poisonous snake nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid a gash.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a god damned poisonous snake that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
John “attacking everything in your path” Smith. The genius who brought us a god damned poisonous snake.
Back in my day, we only had a god damned poisonous snake for a strangler and we LIKED IT.

User
a ho who gives up dat bootay n

The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A ho who gives up dat bootay, a cheesy substance and sex for procreation.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “A Ho Who Gives up Dat Bootay and You”.
The authorities followed the trail of a ho who gives up dat bootay, leading them straight to the suspect.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a ho who gives up dat bootay.
Let pure honey host your next party, providing a ho who gives up dat bootay like you’ve never seen before.
Daddy! There’s a ho who gives up dat bootay under my bed. Kill it kill it!

User
a furious lady covered in pasta sauce n

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a furious lady covered in pasta sauce, part was a line, and it was crowned with the last great American.
On Ebay you can get a furious lady covered in pasta sauce but it comes in several tiny boxes.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a furious lady covered in pasta sauce! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I was so surprised to see a furious lady covered in pasta sauce that a bed specifically designed for death fell out of my mouth.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a furious lady covered in pasta sauce, while a man is flailing on a galloping horse.
Her inheritance was squandered upon most of my blood while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a furious lady covered in pasta sauce in her own home.

User
a bewildered Swedish man n

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be a bewildered Swedish man.
I am become a fresh banana, the destroyer of a bewildered Swedish man.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a bewildered Swedish man.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a bewildered Swedish man.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a bewildered Swedish man.
Music without the sounds of a bewildered Swedish man is hardly music at all.

User
a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no' n

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'. Always.
The water tower looks like it’s a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no' from this angle.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'?”
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'... Sweet! Sunny-D!
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was a lustful gorilla that doesn't understand 'no'.

User
a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift, n

The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift, and disturbing trends.
Always walk into an interview with curious bisexuals and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift,.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift,.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift, that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift, in the soil.
A social skill is any skill facilitating a sweet little morsel, if you catch my drift, with others.

User
my sixth-grade crush n

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was Disneyland!, part was sinister plans, and it was crowned with my sixth-grade crush.
Ich bin ein my sixth-grade crush.
You spent all your food-stamps on my sixth-grade crush?!
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of my sixth-grade crush.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up my sixth-grade crush on the porch to surprise the kids.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not my sixth-grade crush like your brother?”

User
those assholes from school np

Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into those assholes from school and stopped.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, those assholes from school every single day.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy those assholes from school that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by those assholes from school.
You can’t get those assholes from school big enough or my vicinity long enough to suit me.
I got a vast treasury of specimens as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with those assholes from school?

User
my little shit of a niece again n

A social skill is any skill facilitating my little shit of a niece again with others.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a happy ending at a low price removed from her and my little shit of a niece again removed from me.
My little shit of a niece again is the only way to say goodbye.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me my little shit of a niece again and it’s getting weird.
You spent all your food-stamps on my little shit of a niece again?!
When I saw my little shit of a niece again I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, reaching around, I went white as a sheet!

User
my little shit of a niece n

I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find my little shit of a niece.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build my little shit of a niece for me and my wife.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from dealing drugs with my little shit of a niece.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift my little shit of a niece over my head, but a leaf blower got in the way.
At the coffee shop they wrote “my little shit of a niece” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is my little shit of a niece.

User
my cool lesbian aunt n

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, non-human animals, sloth, wrath, my cool lesbian aunt, and pride.
When the beef came at me it was like my cool lesbian aunt.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by my cool lesbian aunt.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn my cool lesbian aunt, but now for work I’m the child-parent relationship. Go figure!
I’ll never know why my grandparents find my cool lesbian aunt so relaxing.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of firing ports-loving bot that hates my cool lesbian aunt.

User
the ol' ball and chain n

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as the ol' ball and chain.
When the celestial spheres align, the ol' ball and chain will descend from the heavens.
Science never solves a problem without creating the ol' ball and chain.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was the ol' ball and chain.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “the ol' ball and chain” incident in the science lab.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was vile doings, part was an empty Tic Tac® box, and it was crowned with the ol' ball and chain.

User
splooging literally everywhere v

I didn’t think this house would sell with gases and smoke in the attic. Anyway, I’m splooging literally everywhere.
I’m getting ceaseless chanting installed in my car, so I can be splooging literally everywhere while I drive.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS INSIPID FOOLS SPLOOGING LITERALLY EVERYWHERE.”
I tried splooging literally everywhere but it was too tight. Then I tried a beginner anal bead but it was TOO LOOSE.
The survey team detected splooging literally everywhere at the work site so I threw a leather swing in my truck and drove straight there.
Music without the sounds of splooging literally everywhere is hardly music at all.

User
sipping my drink as everyone dies v

Researchers have trained chimps to recognise joining the Army in a panic by rewarding them with sipping my drink as everyone dies.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about sipping my drink as everyone dies.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, sipping my drink as everyone dies, toilet paper, shelter, and godless heathens.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “sipping my drink as everyone dies”.
All the king’s treasure! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all sipping my drink as everyone dies.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is sipping my drink as everyone dies.

User
I went to the mall looking for  {n}, but ended up walking out with  {n}! So fancy, but so expensive!2

I went to the mall looking for a special little fuck, but ended up walking out with a gold ingot! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for a tightrope, but ended up walking out with a cattle pen and a horse corral! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for a shot in the dark, but ended up walking out with an extremely uncomfortable mattress! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for a gentleman with the tummy grumbles, but ended up walking out with a quiver of love arrows! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for a complete joke, but ended up walking out with a mirror that lies! So fancy, but so expensive!
I went to the mall looking for your fluid-filled lungs, but ended up walking out with no spider! So fancy, but so expensive!

User
I wish Macy's wouldn't only sell  {p} that cling to your butt.

I wish Macy's wouldn't only sell free exotic crabs for adoption (trained!) that cling to your butt.
I wish Macy's wouldn't only sell no less than sixteen Mexican corpses that cling to your butt.
I wish Macy's wouldn't only sell bucketloads that cling to your butt.
I wish Macy's wouldn't only sell some birds eating all the poop away that cling to your butt.
I wish Macy's wouldn't only sell insensitive holiday celebrations that cling to your butt.
I wish Macy's wouldn't only sell man animals that cling to your butt.

User
Maggie Gyllenhaal crying in silence n

In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from Maggie Gyllenhaal crying in silence.
We can be Maggie Gyllenhaal crying in silence. And no one has to know.
You stole corporate America from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re Maggie Gyllenhaal crying in silence and you’re going to hell!
Chase bank is giving out Maggie Gyllenhaal crying in silence this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Rip” and it helps me with Maggie Gyllenhaal crying in silence.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling Maggie Gyllenhaal crying in silence. The driver was undressing.

User
Jake Gyllenhaal's shameful secret n

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on Jake Gyllenhaal's shameful secret.
I reached expectantly into Jake Gyllenhaal's shameful secret, but found only three babies in a backpack.
Don’t look at me while I’m Jake Gyllenhaal's shameful secret! It messes me up!
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with Jake Gyllenhaal's shameful secret.
During routine surgery, the doctors found Jake Gyllenhaal's shameful secret embedded in my abdomen.
If you kids don’t stop struggling with a police officer, I will turn Jake Gyllenhaal's shameful secret around!

User
Marina Sirtis' disapproving frown n

My pharmacist separated a liberal application into two piles, and carefully lowered one into Marina Sirtis' disapproving frown.
Hark! What Marina Sirtis' disapproving frown through yonder window breaks?
When the beef came at me it was like Marina Sirtis' disapproving frown.
Howdy neighbor, love Marina Sirtis' disapproving frown! Let’s get freshly squozen poo water sometime!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into Marina Sirtis' disapproving frown! She’s 62!
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with Marina Sirtis' disapproving frown.

User
your own genitals np

Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge your own genitals.
Getting your own genitals back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
1) A robot may not injure your own genitals, or through inaction allow your own genitals to come to harm.
If you have a dream about a better place now, it meas you’re worried about your own genitals.
Your own genitals: It’s nature’s candy!
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for your own genitals.

User
When mating season begins  {sp} will present a potential partner with  , along with a hopping dance.2

When mating season begins B.J. Pussylips will present a potential partner with theatrics, along with a hopping dance.
When mating season begins a watchful guard will present a potential partner with unrestrained passion, along with a hopping dance.
When mating season begins a small child with no arms on a buttered skateboard will present a potential partner with a big, red X, along with a hopping dance.
When mating season begins the uncooperative dead will present a potential partner with a puffy penis costume, along with a hopping dance.
When mating season begins a conventional man will present a potential partner with the man who is stalking me, along with a hopping dance.
When mating season begins a half-brain slave will present a potential partner with a list of names, along with a hopping dance.

User
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw   in the mirror! And it smelled like   in there! I'm so scared!2

When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw diversions in the mirror! And it smelled like attention in there! I'm so scared!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw weight loss in the mirror! And it smelled like a bereaved wife with nothing to lose in there! I'm so scared!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw eight sexual partners in the mirror! And it smelled like the thing hanging out of my butt in there! I'm so scared!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw flailing in the mirror! And it smelled like the royal baby in there! I'm so scared!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw stylized male violence in the mirror! And it smelled like the ends in there! I'm so scared!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw hiding some pee in the mirror! And it smelled like hot biscuits & gravy in there! I'm so scared!

User
After a truck ran over  {s} there was so much damage you couldn't tell it apart from  {n}.2

After a truck ran over an empty Tic Tac® box there was so much damage you couldn't tell it apart from steampunk bullshit.
After a truck ran over a friend there was so much damage you couldn't tell it apart from donkeydump.
After a truck ran over Oprah’s warm embrace there was so much damage you couldn't tell it apart from peanut butter in the mouth.
After a truck ran over an icky bug there was so much damage you couldn't tell it apart from birth meat.
After a truck ran over an anatomically correct sock puppet there was so much damage you couldn't tell it apart from taffy.
After a truck ran over a shard of shrapnel there was so much damage you couldn't tell it apart from Her Majesty, the Queen.

User
me n

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Me Blast!
Look, man, I’m not into me. But $20 is $20.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was me.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a boy, but like... a manly boy. Would you like to try our new special, me?
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only me and a crusty dish rag.
My pharmacist separated a cat, but upside down into two piles, and carefully lowered one into me.

User
I could tell  {n} had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.

I could tell a mental illness had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.
I could tell a crocodile death-rolling my taint had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.
I could tell a bold move had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.
I could tell jalapeños had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.
I could tell a pulpy mass had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.
I could tell a psychiatrist examining my behavior had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.

User
I thought I'd solve two problems at once by stuffing  {n} down the gopher holes. But that's worse for my lawn than the gophers!

I thought I'd solve two problems at once by stuffing vile doings down the gopher holes. But that's worse for my lawn than the gophers!
I thought I'd solve two problems at once by stuffing wet dog smell down the gopher holes. But that's worse for my lawn than the gophers!
I thought I'd solve two problems at once by stuffing “Cajun style” down the gopher holes. But that's worse for my lawn than the gophers!
I thought I'd solve two problems at once by stuffing David Bowie’s mysterious bulge down the gopher holes. But that's worse for my lawn than the gophers!
I thought I'd solve two problems at once by stuffing his tumor down the gopher holes. But that's worse for my lawn than the gophers!
I thought I'd solve two problems at once by stuffing a cranky, foul mouthed old lady down the gopher holes. But that's worse for my lawn than the gophers!

User
The ' {ct} moth' has adapted to feed on  {n}, and hide under  {n} in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.3

The 'plasma moth' has adapted to feed on the final hour, and hide under 80,000 tons of nuclear waste in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.
The 'bad acting moth' has adapted to feed on a pinch, and hide under a strangler in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.
The 'ionizing radiation moth' has adapted to feed on rubbery, cleaner poops, and hide under the atmosphere in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.
The 'relative tranquility moth' has adapted to feed on a pill for every problem, and hide under none more in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.
The 'Schadenfreude moth' has adapted to feed on beautiful girl hair, and hide under blue skies and sparkling water in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.
The 'my arm that fell asleep moth' has adapted to feed on an ineffectual, stubby-armed reach-around, and hide under your idiot ideas in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.

User
I pulled  {n} out of the way just before the entire thing collapsed under the stress of  !2

I pulled a phone ringing off the hook out of the way just before the entire thing collapsed under the stress of a demon torture puzzle box!
I pulled strands of my darling’s hair out of the way just before the entire thing collapsed under the stress of halitosis!
I pulled terminal illness out of the way just before the entire thing collapsed under the stress of a winning blow!
I pulled a silent, anonymous encounter out of the way just before the entire thing collapsed under the stress of a telescoping baton!
I pulled a listless wasp out of the way just before the entire thing collapsed under the stress of the reanimated corpse of my neighbor!
I pulled killer abs out of the way just before the entire thing collapsed under the stress of doubting its validity!

User
literally anything else nc

McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of literally anything else.
Literally anything else: It’s nature’s candy!
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in literally anything else.
At the city council meeting I yelled “Fine! Have a pig chute! Some of us just want literally anything else.”
What the literally anything else department lacks in selection, we make up for in prancing piglets.
I reached expectantly into literally anything else, but found only a broken man.

User
getting it on v

Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk getting it on.
Here’s a certificate for getting it on. I am at your service.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide getting it on directly.
See now black people walk like a snake pit. But white people -- white people walk like they’re getting it on!
Ich bin ein getting it on.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like getting it on.

User
absolutely no black people nc

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember absolutely no black people?”
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt absolutely no black people in the sea.
Apparently, “Absolutely No Black People” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
My house. 8 o’clock. Absolutely no black people.
Shepherds in Scotland have used moistness for years to keep the flock from absolutely no black people.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with absolutely no black people.

User
sexy kitty time nc

Hark! What sexy kitty time through yonder window breaks?
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being sexy kitty time.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a new Wes Anderson movie and sexy kitty time.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by sexy kitty time.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in sexy kitty time.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember sexy kitty time?”

User
Samuel L. Jackson's pubic area n

This is my second kid. My first one came out as Samuel L. Jackson's pubic area.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with Samuel L. Jackson's pubic area jumping and nipping at me from below and even giving birth to a prosthetic baby.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was Samuel L. Jackson's pubic area.
The survey team detected Samuel L. Jackson's pubic area at the work site so I threw “forensic evidence” (semen) in my truck and drove straight there.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Kissing Ass” and it helps me with Samuel L. Jackson's pubic area.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find Samuel L. Jackson's pubic area so relaxing.

User
Milla Jovovich's dirty underwear n

I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, Milla Jovovich's dirty underwear popped out!
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling Milla Jovovich's dirty underwear. The driver was gettin’ all up close.
At the winery tour we saw how they put Milla Jovovich's dirty underwear and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like all white moms.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with Milla Jovovich's dirty underwear.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out Milla Jovovich's dirty underwear.
Milla Jovovich's dirty underwear is the only way to say goodbye.

User
Nicki Minaj's hot pants n

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw Nicki Minaj's hot pants overboard!
I didn’t think this house would sell with Nicki Minaj's hot pants in the attic. Anyway, I’m smearing.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Nicki Minaj's Hot Pants and You”.
Let’s wait for a lack of ideas to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get Nicki Minaj's hot pants.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into a fridge full of heads, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start Nicki Minaj's hot pants.
At Boeing R&D, we test an anatomically correct sock puppet by connecting through Nicki Minaj's hot pants to a special 10,000-volt battery.

User
pooping in their mouths v

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from pooping in their mouths, and the eco-glass windows trap in assault preparations.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began pooping in their mouths in front of his top supporters.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a puffed up chest and pooping in their mouths.
Pool rules: No running. No pooping in their mouths. Keep the deceased out of the deep end.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into pooping in their mouths.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how pooping in their mouths happens.

User
pitching a god damn hissy fit v

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually pitching a god damn hissy fit.
I think that ecstasy was cut with Indian burn. After one hit I began very, very rapidly pitching a god damn hissy fit.
No one in Morocco can be pitching a god damn hissy fit without registering with the government.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by pitching a god damn hissy fit.
Although moving away from pitching a god damn hissy fit proved effective for schools, the switch to cheating initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got the mud pits painted on both sides, which some say encourages pitching a god damn hissy fit.

User
getting drunk and sawing your legs off v

Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to getting drunk and sawing your legs off, even before I put on my clothes.
The water tower looks like it’s getting drunk and sawing your legs off from this angle.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep getting drunk and sawing your legs off out of mainland China.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was getting drunk and sawing your legs off.
Last night I dreamed of getting drunk and sawing your legs off. I cannot shake the feeling that a burned out wasteland will arrive soon.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began getting drunk and sawing your legs off.

User
getting carried away v

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is getting carried away.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for getting carried away?
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for getting carried away.
I think that ecstasy was cut with sinister plans. After one hit I began very, very rapidly getting carried away.
Ever since my sister’s closet appeared in the neighborhood, getting carried away has been eyed with suspicion.
I went rafting, saw getting carried away in the river, no big deal.

User
a wondrous, splendifirous little thing n

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a wondrous, splendifirous little thing.
Honey, you can’t keep putting a wondrous, splendifirous little thing down the garbage disposal!
You spent all your food-stamps on a wondrous, splendifirous little thing?!
I went rafting, saw a wondrous, splendifirous little thing in the river, no big deal.
Science never solves a problem without creating a wondrous, splendifirous little thing.
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a wondrous, splendifirous little thing.

User
storing snacks in her uterus v

The thief was caught stealing failure from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of storing snacks in her uterus.
In my wild days I was storing snacks in her uterus, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with installing an update on the New Mexico border.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of solutions, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into storing snacks in her uterus.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Storing Snacks in Her Uterus and You”.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of storing snacks in her uterus.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be storing snacks in her uterus.

User
a pocket full of roses n

Happiness: Most of my money, a pocket full of roses, and gross mystery meat.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under a pocket full of roses.
The hardware store didn’t have the girl next door left, so I got a pocket full of roses.
Let the placenta host your next party, providing a pocket full of roses like you’ve never seen before.
I came with a pocket full of roses to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought a newer, sleeker leopard so nobody even noticed!
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a pocket full of roses onto the International Space Station.

User
a baggy full of tater tots n

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a baggy full of tater tots and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
When the mixture is bubbling, add a baggy full of tater tots to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
Daddy! There’s a baggy full of tater tots under my bed. Kill it kill it!
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A dumpster fire, a baggy full of tater tots and several children.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into an airbag, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start a baggy full of tater tots.
When the celestial spheres align, a baggy full of tater tots will descend from the heavens.

User
bouncing flesh n

It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, bouncing flesh, toilet paper, shelter, and someone tougher.
When the stadium was demolished it ejected bouncing flesh, which hung in the air for days.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be ointment while I’m bouncing flesh!
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt bouncing flesh in the sea.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not bouncing flesh like your brother?”
On the assembly line we heat bouncing flesh to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is learning an important lesson.

User
my scumbag partner n

Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with my scumbag partner and are ordered to be the rusted chassis of a ’68 Impala no matter what.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began my scumbag partner.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not my scumbag partner like your brother?”
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with my scumbag partner.
Let’s wait for my scumbag partner to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get vile doings.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s my scumbag partner and I think I believe her!

User
nothing but jingle bells v

Chimps in the wild have been observed using nothing but jingle bells to forage for food.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Nothing but Jingle Bells!
My house. 8 o’clock. Nothing but jingle bells.
Let’s wait for landlubbers to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get nothing but jingle bells.
This year’s hottest new fashion is nothing but jingle bells on your head.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride all the leopards. It made me feel like I was nothing but jingle bells.

User
a crispy outside with a pink center n

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by a crispy outside with a pink center around the building.
I was so surprised to see a crispy outside with a pink center that her first marriage fell out of my mouth.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of passive-aggressive tendencies in history, rode into battle atop a crispy outside with a pink center.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for a crispy outside with a pink center.
A crispy outside with a pink center is the only way to say goodbye.
Great job on the proposal for prying her mouth open, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a crispy outside with a pink center.

User
shameful thoughts of big sis nc

Ah, shameful thoughts of big sis for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
Then God said, “Let there be shameful thoughts of big sis”; and there was shameful thoughts of big sis. And God saw that shameful thoughts of big sis was good.
I got into my car and sat on shameful thoughts of big sis. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Here on the assembly line we heat shameful thoughts of big sis to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is turning over.
Growing up we never had shameful thoughts of big sis, but we had to deal with laying claim, and I want the opposite for my children.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with a bear in a trashcan. So bring shameful thoughts of big sis.

User
presenting with your butt raised v

Always walk into an interview with Dad’s money and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate presenting with your butt raised.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re presenting with your butt raised and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
I think that ecstasy was cut with really bad teeth. After one hit I began very, very rapidly presenting with your butt raised.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by presenting with your butt raised.
The rich aroma of presenting with your butt raised, from the hills of Colombia.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, being attacked by a skeleton, toilet paper, shelter, and presenting with your butt raised.

User
fucking them like they fucked Bin Laden v

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Giving Birth to Your Own Parents Co., tapping into the growing market for fucking them like they fucked Bin Laden.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into fucking them like they fucked Bin Laden, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start Michael Jackson and his boa constrictor.
Happiness: Sinuses, fucking them like they fucked Bin Laden, and a dollar.
Ich bin ein fucking them like they fucked Bin Laden.
The authorities followed the trail of fucking them like they fucked Bin Laden, leading them straight to the suspect.
During the war, German scientists experimented with fucking them like they fucked Bin Laden to weaponize a guy.

User
just absolutely tearing it up out there v

Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of just absolutely tearing it up out there in its food processing operations.
You evaded my “Just Absolutely Tearing It up out There” attack! Most impressive.
Shepherds in Scotland have used diplomatic support for years to keep the flock from just absolutely tearing it up out there.
My religion demands that I must abstain from just absolutely tearing it up out there. A sex-addicted panda however, is OK.
A lifetime of just absolutely tearing it up out there awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
I tried a French knight but it was too tight. Then I tried just absolutely tearing it up out there but it was TOO LOOSE.

User
being in big trouble, young lady v

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Being in Big Trouble, Young Lady”! I shook his hand and it felt like being in big trouble, young lady.
I think that ecstasy was cut with drugs. After one hit I began very, very rapidly being in big trouble, young lady.
Wake turbulence, also known as being in big trouble, young lady, is turbulence that forms behind a magnetic implant as it passes through the air.
Pundits agree it will take being in big trouble, young lady for the senator to win the election.
They said being in big trouble, young lady was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with the “treasure box”.
See now black people walk like circular logic. But white people -- white people walk like they’re being in big trouble, young lady!

User
big trouble nc

Getting big trouble back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: big trouble.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, big trouble every single day.
Who so pulleth out a plug for the other hole of this stone is rightwise king born of big trouble.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about big trouble and grandma’s soggy diaper. Should I talk to him?
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into big trouble. It was not my lips you kissed, but eerie silence.

User
splitting her in half like firewood v

Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like splitting her in half like firewood.
John “eating a bowl of spider webs” Smith. The genius who brought us splitting her in half like firewood.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a determined shark, while a man is splitting her in half like firewood on a galloping horse.
Splitting her in half like firewood while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of writing emo poetry.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was splitting her in half like firewood.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into splitting her in half like firewood! She’s 62!

User
putting a rain check on that beej v

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with putting a rain check on that beej.
Jesus is putting a rain check on that beej.
The cruiseliner struck Jüri Pootsmann and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with putting a rain check on that beej.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a lie that corrupts the Earth. It made me feel like I was putting a rain check on that beej.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for putting a rain check on that beej.
Wake turbulence, also known as putting a rain check on that beej, is turbulence that forms behind a refreshing douche of Sprite as it passes through the air.

User
the freakin' Don n

Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a shrieking verbal tirade-loving bot that hates the freakin' Don.
I was vacuuming when I sucked the freakin' Don out from under the couch. I kept pulling until tits like a smoking chimney came out too!
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of oiled thighs, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into the freakin' Don.
Don’t shake the freakin' Don so hard, it’ll start a ghoulish feast.
The freakin' Don! The freakin' Don! My kingdom for the freakin' Don!
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, the freakin' Don... Sweet! Sunny-D!

User
slicing them open from groin to grin v

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than slicing them open from groin to grin.
Our artisanal process ages a bloody leotard for 3 years, before going right into a wank, rapidly slicing them open from groin to grin.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “slicing them open from groin to grin.”
Slicing them open from groin to grin brings wobbles to a child’s face.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about slicing them open from groin to grin.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using a milky sweat bead to treat slicing them open from groin to grin!

User
the murder weapon n

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am black leggings. Would you like to try our new special, the murder weapon?
The best comfort food will always be greens, the murder weapon, and fried chicken.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with the murder weapon.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about the murder weapon?
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride the murder weapon. It made me feel like I was the good cop.
Give a man a little of this, a little of that and you feed him for a day. Give him the murder weapon, and you feed him for a lifetime.

User
flopping around with broken bones v

I want to say one word to you, just one word: flopping around with broken bones.
My religion demands that I must abstain from flopping around with broken bones. An imitation poop spiral however, is OK.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Flopping Around with Broken Bones”! I shook his hand and it felt like flopping around with broken bones.
Throughout human history, flopping around with broken bones has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into flopping around with broken bones! She’s 62!
During the war, German scientists experimented with flopping around with broken bones to weaponize a steering wheel.

User
sliding up the walls, twitching and shrieking v

If you do it right, sliding up the walls, twitching and shrieking is all about a berserk horse.
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of sliding up the walls, twitching and shrieking, so the temporary replacement uses freewill.
Look, man, I’m not into sliding up the walls, twitching and shrieking. But $20 is $20.
Both my ears! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all sliding up the walls, twitching and shrieking.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be sliding up the walls, twitching and shrieking while I’m no clean towels!
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was sliding up the walls, twitching and shrieking.

User
wearing nothing vt

The cruiseliner struck a super-tiny butt hole and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with wearing nothing.
I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me wearing nothing at the party last night.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began wearing nothing.
My favorite new band is “Birth Meat and Wearing Nothing”.
You stole anything on the face of this earth from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re wearing nothing and you’re going to hell!
Bumper sticker: My other ride is wearing nothing.

User
cool fingerless gloves np

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Cool Fingerless Gloves”! I shook his hand and it felt like cool fingerless gloves.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but cool fingerless gloves.
Authorities were tallying damage from cool fingerless gloves that struck southern California Friday evening.
If you have a dream about a great big sword, it meas you’re worried about cool fingerless gloves.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted cool fingerless gloves to the vastness of space.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge cool fingerless gloves.

User
a vagina full of centipedes n

The cineplex has been using a vagina full of centipedes in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling a vagina full of centipedes. The driver was getting impregnated by an advanced robot.
It’s lucky to touch a vagina full of centipedes; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a vagina full of centipedes.
Go, go, Gadget a Vagina Full of Centipedes!
You can’t get cinderblock justice big enough or a vagina full of centipedes long enough to suit me.

User
the largest turban ever, I mean like ever n

I came with the largest turban ever, I mean like ever to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought the French crown so nobody even noticed!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began the largest turban ever, I mean like ever.
There’s no reason for the largest turban ever, I mean like ever before breakfast.
John “a fruitless task” Smith. The genius who brought us the largest turban ever, I mean like ever.
The largest turban ever, I mean like ever brings some seriously fucked shit to a child’s face.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into the largest turban ever, I mean like ever! She’s 62!

User
George Clooney porn nc

Wake turbulence, also known as floppin’ out my baby door, is turbulence that forms behind George Clooney porn as it passes through the air.
No one in Morocco can be George Clooney porn without registering with the government.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “George Clooney Porn,” the finest ship in the harbor!
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in George Clooney porn.
I tried to sneak out of the store with a happy accident under one arm and George Clooney porn down my pants.
George Clooney porn: It’s nature’s candy!

User
backing up on it v

In my wild days I was backing up on it, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with jury duty on the New Mexico border.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: backing up on it.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by backing up on it around the building.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, backing up on it appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Backing up on It.
I am become backing up on it, the destroyer of a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice.

User
putting the kids to bed v

Growing up we never had somersaults, but we had to deal with putting the kids to bed, and I want the opposite for my children.
The cruiseliner struck a bullet hole and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with putting the kids to bed.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by putting the kids to bed.
This year’s hottest new fashion is putting the kids to bed on your head.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Putting the Kids to Bed.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Putting the Kids to Bed

User
paddling little butts v

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with paddling little butts.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn paddling little butts, but now for work I’m your idiot ideas. Go figure!
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with insurance went off early, ejecting paddling little butts into the air!
Growing up we never had a watchful guard, but we had to deal with paddling little butts, and I want the opposite for my children.
See now black people walk like a secret room. But white people -- white people walk like they’re paddling little butts!
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for paddling little butts and wiring money to far off lands at the assembly line.

User
bearing so much fruit v

The survey team detected bearing so much fruit at the work site so I threw your lifestyle in my truck and drove straight there.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw bearing so much fruit for the first time!
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for bearing so much fruit.
Let evil thinking host your next party, providing bearing so much fruit like you’ve never seen before.
Life without love is like bearing so much fruit without a riding crop or fruit.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with bearing so much fruit.

User
red hot lava nc

Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only vile doings and red hot lava.
During routine surgery, the doctors found red hot lava embedded in my abdomen.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride red hot lava. It made me feel like I was wearing a noose to be edgy.
Daddy! There’s red hot lava under my bed. Kill it kill it!
I reached expectantly into red hot lava, but found only my hood.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from being attacked by a skeleton with red hot lava.

User
a shrieking tarantula n

Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a shrieking tarantula?
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a shrieking tarantula in the pillows.
Getting a shrieking tarantula back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience a shrieking tarantula like I was really there.
My car looks like it’s a shrieking tarantula but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
My house. 8 o’clock. A shrieking tarantula.

User
keeping my girlfriend happy v

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience keeping my girlfriend happy like I was really there.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was keeping my girlfriend happy.
Keeping my girlfriend happy! Keeping my girlfriend happy! My kingdom for keeping my girlfriend happy!
Keeping my girlfriend happy isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
Hark! What keeping my girlfriend happy through yonder window breaks?
Ich bin ein keeping my girlfriend happy.

User
milking it v

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as milking it.
Pool rules: No running. No milking it. Keep a state trooper out of the deep end.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of two bats in a giant pair of pajamas milking it.
I tried a girl gone sour but it was too tight. Then I tried milking it but it was TOO LOOSE.
In my wild days I was milking it, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with the bowel fairy on the New Mexico border.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, milking it, sloth, wrath, hiding with your warriors, and pride.

User
an old Dutch cheese press n

Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with an old Dutch cheese press.
An old Dutch cheese press is the only way to say goodbye.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, going solo, toilet paper, shelter, and an old Dutch cheese press.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of an old Dutch cheese press.
If my neighbor doesn’t get an old Dutch cheese press off my property, I’m calling the cops!
My pharmacist separated control of the English Channel into two piles, and carefully lowered one into an old Dutch cheese press.

User
I'm gonna prove the link between   and  ! You'll all see!2

I'm gonna prove the link between the Handsome Boy Modeling School and election year politics! You'll all see!
I'm gonna prove the link between techniques and panicking in a Subaru! You'll all see!
I'm gonna prove the link between fictitious queer same sex transformation and all sorts of shit! You'll all see!
I'm gonna prove the link between a demonic religious lie and a surgical rotary saw! You'll all see!
I'm gonna prove the link between urine sprinkles and an old, Asian martial arts master! You'll all see!
I'm gonna prove the link between a crowd of revelers and a conflict of interest! You'll all see!

User
Mom, what's  ? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.

Mom, what's terminal illness? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Mom, what's finding out my first husband was still alive? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Mom, what's backwash? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Mom, what's ionizing radiation? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Mom, what's divorce papers? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Mom, what's a fresh lung? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.

User
my dirty little secret n

Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with my dirty little secret hanging in the window.
I pushed hard enough to snap my dirty little secret, but some powerful kind of undercooked meat was blocking the door.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s my dirty little secret and I think I believe her!
Great job on the proposal for doing things for attention, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you my dirty little secret.
For my last meal I want a sex swing seasoned heavily with my dirty little secret.
If you kids don’t stop crashing out of a window, I will turn my dirty little secret around!

User
baby Jesus n

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw baby Jesus overboard!
The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are baby Jesus and an all-female gang called the Lizzies.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in baby Jesus.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only baby Jesus and an automated turret come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
On the assembly line we heat baby Jesus to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is wandering around.
The rich aroma of baby Jesus, from the hills of Colombia.

User
Jesus Christ n

This is my second kid. My first one came out as Jesus Christ.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than Jesus Christ.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as Jesus Christ.
Last night I dreamed of Jesus Christ. I cannot shake the feeling that curious bisexuals will arrive soon.
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw Jesus Christ at a player from the stands.
Jesus Christ failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward man animals.

User
his holiness the pope n

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be his holiness the pope.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by his holiness the pope.
What the inhabitants department lacks in selection, we make up for in his holiness the pope.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of embers in history, rode into battle atop his holiness the pope.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about his holiness the pope.
Dad! I’m all done startling a tweaker, so I have his holiness the pope left over if you’re still interested.

User
my crazy hot daughter n

The city put in new road signs to indicate my crazy hot daughter just up ahead.
Honey, you can’t keep putting my crazy hot daughter down the garbage disposal!
At my 9th birthday, we had my crazy hot daughter piñata that burst open showering big pants on us kids.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with my crazy hot daughter slowly overtaking the buildings.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find my crazy hot daughter.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw my crazy hot daughter overboard!

User
my black son n

At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other my black son, while a man is knowing hell on a galloping horse.
During my driving test, I backed my car into my black son. I still got an 85!
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find my black son in the back seat.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to my black son.
Science never solves a problem without creating my black son.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took my black son to the funeral.

User
a miscarriage n

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a miscarriage, score points by getting groped by a senator, and a gush shall not be on the field.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as a miscarriage.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a miscarriage destroyed and furries killed as well.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a miscarriage.
I pushed hard enough to snap a miscarriage, but some powerful kind of leftover McDonald’s® was blocking the door.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a miscarriage.

User
the Lindbergh baby n

Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with the Lindbergh baby.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of the Lindbergh baby.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the Lindbergh baby.
Don’t shake the Lindbergh baby so hard, it’ll start a rip.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found the Lindbergh baby.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a real value, but with the Lindbergh baby!

User
consuming the flesh of a Dutch child v

Consuming the flesh of a Dutch child brings hella teen angst to a child’s face.
Don’t shake hot water so hard, it’ll start consuming the flesh of a Dutch child.
Howdy neighbor, love an enchanted ring! Let’s get consuming the flesh of a Dutch child sometime!
I can’t believe you guys went consuming the flesh of a Dutch child without me! Loop me in next time, I want Yakety Sax too!
Our artisanal process ages the Handsome Boy Modeling School for 3 years, before going right into a piece of cake, rapidly consuming the flesh of a Dutch child.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of consuming the flesh of a Dutch child in the soil.

User
Whoopi Goldberg's last breath n

If you have a dream about Whoopi Goldberg's last breath, it meas you’re worried about mutual benefit.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then Whoopi Goldberg's last breath really affected me.
Working on my car I found Whoopi Goldberg's last breath had crawled inside the engine block and died.
The water tower looks like it’s Whoopi Goldberg's last breath from this angle.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is Whoopi Goldberg's last breath.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “Whoopi Goldberg's last breath”.

User
making Brian poop v

The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got killers painted on both sides, which some say encourages making Brian poop.
Wake turbulence, also known as making Brian poop, is turbulence that forms behind demons as it passes through the air.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between rolling in it and making Brian poop.
In this 15th century painting, making Brian poop is represented by a man with I don’t know what, but BILLIONS of them for a head.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find making Brian poop so relaxing.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Making Brian Poop!” You’re cursed with failure abroad until the end of the game!

User
the inevitable gruesome execution n

My house. 8 o’clock. The inevitable gruesome execution.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found the inevitable gruesome execution in the walls at my office.
You evaded my “The Inevitable Gruesome Execution” attack! Most impressive.
I went rafting, saw the inevitable gruesome execution in the river, no big deal.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be the inevitable gruesome execution if I wanted a new family.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build the inevitable gruesome execution for me and my wife.

User
a fanatic disciple of the evil goddess n

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a fanatic disciple of the evil goddess.
I wasn’t always black... there was a fanatic disciple of the evil goddess, and it got bigger and bigger.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a fanatic disciple of the evil goddess and it’s getting weird.
Although moving away from a deceitful word proved effective for schools, the switch to a fanatic disciple of the evil goddess initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
When the beef came at me it was like a fanatic disciple of the evil goddess.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a fanatic disciple of the evil goddess.

User
my prize petunias n

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by my prize petunias.
Last Christmas, I gave you my prize petunias. The very next day, you gave it away.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, my prize petunias, sloth, wrath, a mind-erasing kit, and pride.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with my prize petunias.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than my prize petunias.
I buried my treasure under my prize petunias so you’d never find it!

User
an entire field of carrots n

The city put in new road signs to indicate an entire field of carrots just up ahead.
In this game you get to collect embers and craft an entire field of carrots.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put an entire field of carrots in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy an entire field of carrots that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to an entire field of carrots.
They said an entire field of carrots was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with the last condom.

User
getting hella preggers v

Experts said that based on preliminary data, getting hella preggers appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Getting Hella Preggers.
When something even wetter is ready, getting hella preggers will appear.
Thanks for getting hella preggers. Now get out of my bed!
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Getting Hella Preggers!
Men, like a bandsaw, go farthest when they are getting hella preggers.

User
I popped the zit on my back, there was stuff that looked like  {n} in there!

I popped the zit on my back, there was stuff that looked like a hearty 8-pound pork roast in there!
I popped the zit on my back, there was stuff that looked like victory or death in there!
I popped the zit on my back, there was stuff that looked like turkey tacos in there!
I popped the zit on my back, there was stuff that looked like a gaggle of nuns in there!
I popped the zit on my back, there was stuff that looked like a mind such as yours in there!
I popped the zit on my back, there was stuff that looked like intestines draped everywhere in there!

User
My girlfriend kicked  {n}, and now she's  . I want to break up with her but I'm afraid!2

My girlfriend kicked a hanging body, and now she's a madhouse! A madhouse!. I want to break up with her but I'm afraid!
My girlfriend kicked a back-breaking zit, and now she's a do-gooder. I want to break up with her but I'm afraid!
My girlfriend kicked a forgotten relic, and now she's black lace. I want to break up with her but I'm afraid!
My girlfriend kicked the S.W.A.T. team, and now she's being fucking dead. I want to break up with her but I'm afraid!
My girlfriend kicked ill-advised business decisions, and now she's your idiot ideas. I want to break up with her but I'm afraid!
My girlfriend kicked damage, and now she's a caring, understanding man. I want to break up with her but I'm afraid!

User
I was surprised to find bones in  {n}. Is that normal?

I was surprised to find bones in female breast tissue. Is that normal?
I was surprised to find bones in no clean towels. Is that normal?
I was surprised to find bones in a big ol’ fruit. Is that normal?
I was surprised to find bones in a quiver of love arrows. Is that normal?
I was surprised to find bones in 80,000 tons of nuclear waste. Is that normal?
I was surprised to find bones in sudsy bodies. Is that normal?

User
treasuring the good things in life v

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am treasuring the good things in life. Would you like to try our new special, going down the garbage disposal?
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for treasuring the good things in life and lumbering around at the assembly line.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Treasuring the Good Things in Life”! I shook his hand and it felt like treasuring the good things in life.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were treasuring the good things in life, would you be treasuring the good things in life as well?”
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with lifeless husks went off early, ejecting treasuring the good things in life into the air!
My new phone looks like it’s treasuring the good things in life but I don’t mind. It makes calls.

User
my boys np

The water tower looks like it’s my boys from this angle.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off my boys in the stands and then knocked a leaf blower off a dense woolly undercoat over the chest.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about my boys.
See now black people walk like my boys. But white people -- white people walk like they’re the finest quality cheese!
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of my boys.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created my boys.

User
outwitting a child v

I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me outwitting a child at the party last night.
But I promised my kids they could get outwitting a child for Christmas!
My religion demands that I must abstain from getting HUGE. Outwitting a child however, is OK.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of their own mothers, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into outwitting a child.
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of outwitting a child, so the temporary replacement uses a tard.
Here’s a certificate for outwitting a child. I am at your service.



murdering a pedophile v

The thief was caught stealing my replacement from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of murdering a pedophile.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value murdering a pedophile more. Now hold still.
Murdering a pedophile nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid a big chicken order.
Don’t shake cardiac arrest so hard, it’ll start murdering a pedophile.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not murdering a pedophile like your brother?”
Growing up we never had ape sounds, but we had to deal with murdering a pedophile, and I want the opposite for my children.

User
People were shocked when photos were leaked of Scarlett Johansson smiling with  {n} in her lap.

People were shocked when photos were leaked of Scarlett Johansson smiling with seed in her lap.
People were shocked when photos were leaked of Scarlett Johansson smiling with a wayward dental implant in her lap.
People were shocked when photos were leaked of Scarlett Johansson smiling with five adult sons in her lap.
People were shocked when photos were leaked of Scarlett Johansson smiling with Gene Simmons’ tongue in her lap.
People were shocked when photos were leaked of Scarlett Johansson smiling with a coked up hooker in her lap.
People were shocked when photos were leaked of Scarlett Johansson smiling with compost in her lap.

User
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of  . She has stated, "I prefer  ."2

Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of a prybar. She has stated, "I prefer poking all the little bugs."
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of a submissive sex android. She has stated, "I prefer bitches on the love throne."
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of a child section. She has stated, "I prefer just a video game."
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of a Christmas tree. She has stated, "I prefer young crabs."
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of getting tickled until you bust a nut. She has stated, "I prefer killing myself, rather than being disgraced."
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of elbow grease. She has stated, "I prefer being controlled by a child."

User
a sudden penetration n

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for a sudden penetration.
Two best friends and cooter muscles take a road trip, and discover a sudden penetration along the way.
You spent all your food-stamps on a sudden penetration?!
Go, go, Gadget a Sudden Penetration!
When the stadium was demolished it ejected a sudden penetration, which hung in the air for days.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Tiny Men Co., tapping into the growing market for a sudden penetration.

User
stretching it till it rips v

In this 15th century painting, stretching it till it rips is represented by a man with a bear in a trashcan for a head.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was stretching it till it rips.
My publisher demanded I remove stretching it till it rips from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Chimps in the wild have been observed using stretching it till it rips to forage for food.
My religion demands that I must abstain from impacting my sister. Stretching it till it rips however, is OK.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from stretching it till it rips, and the eco-glass windows trap in the southwest corner.

User
making it hurt v

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s making it hurt.
For my last meal I want a child section seasoned heavily with making it hurt.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all bodily harm, right while I’m making it hurt.
No one in Morocco can be making it hurt without registering with the government.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on making it hurt.
I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and making it hurt. There was a report.



dying in a fire v

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as dying in a fire.
It’s not delivery. It’s dying in a fire.
In this 15th century painting, dying in a fire is represented by a man with grabby hands for a head.
Pundits agree it will take dying in a fire for the senator to win the election.
If you have a dream about 100 steps, it meas you’re worried about dying in a fire.
The rich aroma of dying in a fire, from the hills of Colombia.

User
apologizing for real this time v

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and apologizing for real this time.
If you have a dream about apologizing for real this time, it meas you’re worried about swindling queers.
There is no revenge so complete as apologizing for real this time.
I noticed symptoms of apologizing for real this time, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s our fraternity ritual!” but I’m not sure.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as only my index finger, score points by apologizing for real this time, and bucketloads shall not be on the field.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find apologizing for real this time so relaxing.

User
a little surprise incest nc

Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a little surprise incest in the back seat.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a little surprise incest on the porch to surprise the kids.
When the stadium was demolished it ejected a little surprise incest, which hung in the air for days.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a little surprise incest one ounce at a time.
My publisher demanded I remove a little surprise incest from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
I would have never thought that I’d actually be a Secret Service agent while I’m a little surprise incest!

User
marrying my dad v

This workplace has gone (0) days without marrying my dad.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got a suffering bastard painted on both sides, which some say encourages marrying my dad.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how marrying my dad happens.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep marrying my dad out of mainland China.
Marrying my dad has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
For my last meal I want bellowing seasoned heavily with marrying my dad.

User
drunk sexting my sister v

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then drunk sexting my sister really affected me.
It’s not delivery. It’s drunk sexting my sister.
A heroin-caked frying pan locked in a safe nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid drunk sexting my sister.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, drunk sexting my sister every single day.
Pool rules: No running. No drunk sexting my sister. Keep three carrots out of the deep end.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a meat hook in the attic. Anyway, I’m drunk sexting my sister.

User
drunk sexting your sister v

Then God said, “Let there be drunk sexting your sister”; and there was drunk sexting your sister. And God saw that drunk sexting your sister was good.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Drunk Sexting Your Sister!
There is no revenge so complete as drunk sexting your sister.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using drunk sexting your sister to treat all your drama!
I can’t believe you guys went drunk sexting your sister without me! Loop me in next time, I want my hood too!
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate drunk sexting your sister.

User
autocannibalism nc

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of autocannibalism.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on autocannibalism.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Autocannibalism” and it helps me with acting like a child.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Autocannibalism Does Reduced Brain Intelligence.
Daddy! There’s autocannibalism under my bed. Kill it kill it!
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got autocannibalism before every meeting.

User
grabbing her pussy v

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of grabbing her pussy came on the screen.
When the beef came at me it was like grabbing her pussy.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were grabbing her pussy, would you be grabbing her pussy as well?”
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about grabbing her pussy.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen grabbing her pussy.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and grabbing her pussy.

User
skinning you v

Thanks for skinning you. Now get out of my bed!
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen skinning you.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: skinning you.
I’m getting a bad landing installed in my car, so I can be skinning you while I drive.
If you do it right, hula hoops is all about skinning you.
I didn’t think this house would sell with my extended family in the attic. Anyway, I’m skinning you.



touching your pee pee v

The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got effective limits painted on both sides, which some say encourages touching your pee pee.
If you have a dream about touching your pee pee, it meas you’re worried about smacking your bitch in public.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: hate-fucking@touching-your-pee-pee.net
During the war, German scientists experimented with touching your pee pee to weaponize an army of 35,000 men.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience touching your pee pee like I was really there.
If touching your pee pee were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!

User
taking it hard v

My publisher demanded I remove taking it hard from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Ich bin ein taking it hard.
My new phone looks like it’s taking it hard but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, taking it hard every single day.
I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and taking it hard. There was a report.
Our artisanal process ages a good strategy for 3 years, before going right into mandibles, rapidly taking it hard.

User
biting your pillow v

At the winery tour we saw how they put a big dang deal and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like biting your pillow.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember biting your pillow?”
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all biting your pillow, right while I’m putting up with you.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep biting your pillow out of mainland China.
You evaded my “Biting Your Pillow” attack! Most impressive.
Music without the sounds of biting your pillow is hardly music at all.

User
a bandit mask n

A charcoal briquette failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a bandit mask.
But of the tree of knowledge of a fishy substance and a bandit mask you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
I wasn’t always black... there was a bandit mask, and it got bigger and bigger.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a bandit mask came on the screen.
If you have a dream about a deathbed, it meas you’re worried about a bandit mask.
During routine surgery, the doctors found a bandit mask embedded in my abdomen.

User
nuptials nc

I’ll never know why my grandparents find nuptials so relaxing.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s getting crushed between two trucks, with a censor bar around the edges, and nuptials on top.
I want to be buried with nuptials.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as nuptials surfaced from below.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into nuptials! She’s 62!
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with nuptials. So bring a long visit.

User
Gary Busey in his pillow fort n

Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS GARY BUSEY IN HIS PILLOW FORT BANNING THE POPE.”
Ah, Gary Busey in his pillow fort for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
I chipped my tooth on long deep kisses with eyes wide open. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t Gary Busey in his pillow fort.
Last Christmas, I gave you Gary Busey in his pillow fort. The very next day, you gave it away.
A three room Japanese apartment produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under Gary Busey in his pillow fort to keep warm.
At the skating rink there was Gary Busey in his pillow fort and everyone fell down at once.

User
my girls np

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with my girls jumping and nipping at me from below and even sobbing silently to yourself as the night closes in.
In my wild days I was leaving your friends to die, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with my girls on the New Mexico border.
The best comfort food will always be greens, my girls, and fried chicken.
Although moving away from my mouth proved effective for schools, the switch to my girls initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of my girls, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into yanking hard.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by drunk waterboarding and my girls.

User
a lady making eyes at dad n

Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a lady making eyes at dad?
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with a lady making eyes at dad.
10% of all proceeds from sales of a lady making eyes at dad will go to The Mailing Anthrax Foundation.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a lady making eyes at dad.”
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a lady making eyes at dad and I think I believe her!
I am become a lady making eyes at dad, the destroyer of a technicality.

User
pushing it deeper v

Don’t shake a complete wimp so hard, it’ll start pushing it deeper.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began pushing it deeper.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Pushing it deeper, a useful tip and fellating everything in the room.
But of the tree of knowledge of pushing it deeper and a crazed gunman you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
Great job on the proposal for pushing it deeper, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a salty sailor.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and pushing it deeper in the Philippines.

User
jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground v

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground in a very realistic way.
I ordered upgrades privately over the Internet so I can get better at jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground.
Jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground is the only way to say goodbye.
The authorities followed the trail of jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground, leading them straight to the suspect.
I chipped my tooth on nosy neighbors. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground?

User
cuddling vt

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by cuddling.
Dad! I’m all done cuddling, so I have beard stroking left over if you’re still interested.
Our artisanal process ages bed inspectors for 3 years, before going right into great tits, rapidly cuddling.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually cuddling.
In the public cuddling model, a third-party service provider delivers the cuddling service over the Internet.
My house. 8 o’clock. Cuddling.



When the suspect's car crashed,   was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on  .2

When the suspect's car crashed, a great big sword was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a pillar of salt.
When the suspect's car crashed, a gaggle of nuns was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a gynecological procedure.
When the suspect's car crashed, a friend was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on adult language.
When the suspect's car crashed, installing an update was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a state trooper.
When the suspect's car crashed, smearing was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on bucketloads.
When the suspect's car crashed, feasting and slaughter was launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on the whole planet.

User
this bloody massacre n

My kid was acting like stainless steel plating, so I took away this bloody massacre privileges.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in this bloody massacre.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a positive test for bodily fluids, sloth, wrath, this bloody massacre, and pride.
Help! I’m this bloody massacre and I need YOU to do something about it!
When the stadium was demolished it ejected this bloody massacre, which hung in the air for days.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk this bloody massacre.



The Blood-Soaked Queen n

After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created The Blood-Soaked Queen.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “The Blood-Soaked Queen”.
Although moving away from The Blood-Soaked Queen proved effective for schools, the switch to the stars of the night sky initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of The Blood-Soaked Queen in the sky.
At the skating rink there was The Blood-Soaked Queen and everyone fell down at once.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using shaved bears to treat The Blood-Soaked Queen!

User
raping marauders v

Who so pulleth out your lifestyle of this stone is rightwise king born of raping marauders.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of raping marauders came on the screen.
No one in Morocco can be raping marauders without registering with the government.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of raping marauders heard remote.
Ever since a lamprey infestation appeared in the neighborhood, raping marauders has been eyed with suspicion.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and raping marauders in the Philippines.

User
rope after rope of thick spunk nc

I tried an extremely tense spring but it was too tight. Then I tried rope after rope of thick spunk but it was TOO LOOSE.
I like my women like I like hyperactive legs: impressing the most neutral observers with rope after rope of thick spunk.
Every French soldier carries rope after rope of thick spunk in his knapsack.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from rope after rope of thick spunk.
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of hiding with your warriors, so the temporary replacement uses rope after rope of thick spunk.
The rich aroma of rope after rope of thick spunk, from the hills of Colombia.

User
organizing my father's bones v

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was organizing my father's bones.
Although moving away from my SIM card proved effective for schools, the switch to organizing my father's bones initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into organizing my father's bones.
I’m getting a useful tip installed in my car, so I can be organizing my father's bones while I drive.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually organizing my father's bones.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of quicksand-loving bot that hates organizing my father's bones.

User
Yes.
User
Why would you think that? It doesn't even mention Michelle Obama.
User
getting raped in an uber v

Look, man, I’m not into getting raped in an uber. But $20 is $20.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how getting raped in an uber happens.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by getting raped in an uber.
The White House will no longer enforce The Getting Raped in an Uber Act of 1959. Thank God.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of the power-off switch-loving bot that hates getting raped in an uber.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of getting raped in an uber.

User
But I wrote it for you...
User
I find her completely naked in the bathroom with the door wide open.

"It's time!" she desperately says between forceful breaths.

I stand in shock, in awe of what I am witnessing.

She puts one leg up on the edge of the sink. Her knee perilously close to activating the cold water. The danger arouses me in ways I cannot describe.

She grunts, "It's coming!"

There is a loud thud, and then another, from the other side of the wall. Surely it's Michelle Obama trying to escape her restraints. I don't even consider checking on it, I'm totally enraptured in the scene before me.

"Fuuuck!" she agonizes as her abdomen clenches and her body tenses and relaxes rhythmically.

I feel a pang of fear. Something is wrong. It should have started by now. I wrack my brain for something I can do to help but come up with nothing but impotent shame.

Another thud. The First Lady can wait.

"You- ah! You-" she tries to start, but the involuntary motion of her body overwhelms her.

Her knee ever so slightly taps the faucet. It's all I can do to remain standing on my shaking knees as pleasure courses through my body.

She gulps before speaking and locks eyes with me, those dark eyes like a whole world to explore and get hopelessly lost in.

"You have to hit me- ah! AH! Don't... hold back!"

My legs are jello. Hit her? Now? It's a superhuman feat that I'm not flat on my face. I can't do it, but I must. I will. I won't fail her when it matters most.

I step towards her, one at a time. I can do this. I time my steps to the thudding sounds of the wife of the first black president of the United States of America. Patriotism gives me courage. Thank God for Uncle Sam.

"You little bitch, I said HIT ME!" she bellows, teeth clenched, pleasure and agony rippling through her skin.

I hear the cold water start to run with a metallic squeak, but I'm so focused on the powerful woman in front of me that I don't miss a beat.

Now I'm rock hard, and I clench my fist to match. Sweat is running down the tensed muscles on my face.

"DO IT!"

I wind up, and it's over before I know what's happening. Now my fist is sunk deep into her stomach, she's howling in rage. I try to recount everything that just happened in the split seconds I have to think. The turd left her anus like Apollo 11 heading for the moon. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. Bravest fucking Americans on or off the planet.

That's where it went wrong. The shit overflew its destination, leaving a smudge on the seat before falling uselessly into the rubbish bin beside the toilet.

I came before I'd realized what happened, my shame mixing with undeserved pleasure as I struggled to keep my composure.

She knew from the look on my face what had transpired. I thought I'd see her break, but she was filled with determination.

"I- ah! I can do one more!"

'You're crazy!' I wanted to say, but, deep down, I knew this majestic woman could do anything.

"Hit me again!"

I wouldn't disappoint her by hesitating. Not now. Not when she's my queen and I'm her knight. The second blow leaves her gasping. Her leg slips off the sink just as our last hope leaves her already scorched ass and heads for one last chance at victory.

It moves like a blur, speed and precision defined. I halfway expected it to shatter porcelain, even though I know for a fact that's impossible for anyone. The wet slap tells me it hit home. A sprinkle of water from the impact cools my skin, I flinch at the sudden change in temperature.

The thudding has stopped. Michelle Obama is either long gone or too tired to struggle at this point. I don't give a damn which, because the woman I've devoted my life to has just done something I'll never forget.

She's collapsed in a pile, somehow still able to speak with nothing left in her gas tank.

"Put me in the tub and clean me up, you little minx."

I comply immediately, my mind chasing itself in circles as I wonder what she'll say. She sees my anxiety written all over my body.

"And... good job, brave knight."

That's all I needed to hear. I can now die knowing I'm worth something.

User
getting blown apart by a pink laser v

Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of that ass-loving bot that hates getting blown apart by a pink laser.
When I get older, I don’t want to be getting blown apart by a pink laser.
I like my women like I like that bitch: getting blown apart by a pink laser with keepin’ it tight.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with getting blown apart by a pink laser.
If you kids don’t stop getting blown apart by a pink laser, I will turn hiding the elderly around!
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, getting blown apart by a pink laser, toilet paper, shelter, and a burned out wasteland.

User
a penis with flame decals and a racing stripe n

The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around a penis with flame decals and a racing stripe.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a penis with flame decals and a racing stripe.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A penis with flame decals and a racing stripe.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a penis with flame decals and a racing stripe.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed a penis with flame decals and a racing stripe up and down the highway.
I pushed hard enough to snap a penis with flame decals and a racing stripe, but some powerful kind of moisture was blocking the door.

User
Martha Stewart, orgasming n

A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in Martha Stewart, orgasming.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Martha Stewart, Orgasming.
Ever since Martha Stewart, orgasming appeared in the neighborhood, soul-damning has been eyed with suspicion.
In this 15th century painting, Martha Stewart, orgasming is represented by a man with my taxidermied daughter for a head.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as Martha Stewart, orgasming surfaced from below.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only helpful subordinates and Martha Stewart, orgasming.

User
the community buttplug n

Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: the-community-buttplug@flipping-over-and-spraying-into-the-air.net
See now black people walk like the community buttplug. But white people -- white people walk like they’re a felony!
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as the community buttplug surfaced from below.
It’s not delivery. It’s the community buttplug.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed the community buttplug up and down the highway.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in the community buttplug in the middle of each intersection.

User
making out v

Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as making out or impacting my sister.
My car looks like it’s making out but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: making-out@spider-silk.net
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as making out.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a thick, luscious banana slug, toilet paper, shelter, and making out.
The rich aroma of making out, from the hills of Colombia.

User
lavishing her with presents v

My new phone looks like it’s lavishing her with presents but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
In the public lavishing her with presents model, a third-party service provider delivers the lavishing her with presents service over the Internet.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a period and a mouthfeel like lavishing her with presents.
Life without love is like lavishing her with presents without morphine or fruit.
John “lavishing her with presents” Smith. The genius who brought us so many dudes.
Thanks for lavishing her with presents last night. *wink* *wink*

User
Lord Deathstroke's Blood-Katana n

Lonely guys in Japan can buy Lord Deathstroke's Blood-Katana that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge Lord Deathstroke's Blood-Katana.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with Lord Deathstroke's Blood-Katana.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be thick fingers while I’m Lord Deathstroke's Blood-Katana!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by Lord Deathstroke's Blood-Katana.
Help! I’m Lord Deathstroke's Blood-Katana and I need YOU to do something about it!

User
Christopher Walken's Magic Shoes np

Daddy! There’s Christopher Walken's Magic Shoes under my bed. Kill it kill it!
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Christopher Walken's Magic Shoes,” the finest ship in the harbor!
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed Christopher Walken's Magic Shoes up and down the highway.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with Christopher Walken's Magic Shoes! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Science never solves a problem without creating Christopher Walken's Magic Shoes.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with Christopher Walken's Magic Shoes.

User
Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster) n

When the stadium was demolished it ejected Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster), which hung in the air for days.
Alexander also named a city in India “Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but Faster)” after his dead horse.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster).
When I saw Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster) I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, smearing, I went white as a sheet!
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster), and the eco-glass windows trap in vile doings.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but Faster) and You”.

User
exposing their genitals v

What the sliced vegetables department lacks in selection, we make up for in exposing their genitals.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a foaming pipe snake, toilet paper, shelter, and exposing their genitals.
The survey team detected exposing their genitals at the work site so I threw the basement in my truck and drove straight there.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Finding a place to fart, wallowing in your filth and exposing their genitals.
Here’s a certificate for exposing their genitals from me. Redeem at any time!
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider exposing their genitals.

User
violent pregnant things np

I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to violent pregnant things.
The White House will no longer enforce The Violent Pregnant Things Act of 1959. Thank God.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during violent pregnant things that overturned their car.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: violent pregnant things.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into a firm slap to the groin. It was not my lips you kissed, but violent pregnant things.
Amtrak officials confirm violent pregnant things would have prevented train derailment.

User
  can actually erode  , which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.2

a cage built for an autistic student can actually erode the men who helped me, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
tiny men can actually erode Lord Deathstroke, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
a grave error can actually erode the Army, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
being hit by space debris can actually erode bursting exuberantly onto the national scene, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
a cattle pen and a horse corral can actually erode violating the rules of war, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
goners can actually erode stuff Asians like, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.

User
A 2008 study of Movile's only snail found that it has been  {v}. The snail may have escaped   by going underground.2

A 2008 study of Movile's only snail found that it has been sneaking into the sultan’s harem. The snail may have escaped bedding by going underground.
A 2008 study of Movile's only snail found that it has been putting my mouth on it. The snail may have escaped the Black Prince by going underground.
A 2008 study of Movile's only snail found that it has been getting all obsessed. The snail may have escaped becoming an adult by going underground.
A 2008 study of Movile's only snail found that it has been pacifying all religions. The snail may have escaped a cat in a paper bag by going underground.
A 2008 study of Movile's only snail found that it has been surviving. The snail may have escaped a period by going underground.
A 2008 study of Movile's only snail found that it has been lifting his kilt and winking. The snail may have escaped King Edward’s sexual licentiousness by going underground.

User
the juiciest cunt I ever seen in my life n

Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by the juiciest cunt I ever seen in my life.
During routine surgery, the doctors found the juiciest cunt I ever seen in my life embedded in my abdomen.
It’s not delivery. It’s the juiciest cunt I ever seen in my life.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: The Juiciest Cunt I Ever Seen in My Life Blast!
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “the juiciest cunt I ever seen in my life” incident in the science lab.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by the juiciest cunt I ever seen in my life and 50,000 volts of electricity.

User
Don't put yourself in  {n} without protection. It's just not safe.

Don't put yourself in zebras disguised as horses without protection. It's just not safe.
Don't put yourself in an 18 by 6 meter block of concrete without protection. It's just not safe.
Don't put yourself in a heron without protection. It's just not safe.
Don't put yourself in the placenta without protection. It's just not safe.
Don't put yourself in hella teen angst without protection. It's just not safe.
Don't put yourself in a snack attack without protection. It's just not safe.

User
  tattoo on my chest made the ladies go wild, so I thought putting a real one on my dick was a good idea.

the fuel line tattoo on my chest made the ladies go wild, so I thought putting a real one on my dick was a good idea.
a widening gyre tattoo on my chest made the ladies go wild, so I thought putting a real one on my dick was a good idea.
every part of the buffalo tattoo on my chest made the ladies go wild, so I thought putting a real one on my dick was a good idea.
competitive masturbation tattoo on my chest made the ladies go wild, so I thought putting a real one on my dick was a good idea.
drinking palm wine from your enemy’s skull tattoo on my chest made the ladies go wild, so I thought putting a real one on my dick was a good idea.
less lasagna tattoo on my chest made the ladies go wild, so I thought putting a real one on my dick was a good idea.

User
boiling hot manchowder nc

Let sufficient funds host your next party, providing boiling hot manchowder like you’ve never seen before.
Ever since boiling hot manchowder appeared in the neighborhood, most people has been eyed with suspicion.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: sustained-surface-winds@boiling-hot-manchowder.net
Boiling hot manchowder is the only way to say goodbye.
I reached expectantly into an invisible wall, but found only boiling hot manchowder.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of boiling hot manchowder heard remote.

User
suffocating vt

I met this hot chick online. She says she’s suffocating and I think I believe her!
At the coffee shop they wrote “suffocating” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
I chipped my tooth on a crocodile death-rolling my taint. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t suffocating.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Suffocating
My car looks like it’s suffocating but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for suffocating.

User
ass nc

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt ass in the sea.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as ass.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Ass!
A social skill is any skill facilitating morbid thoughts and ass with others.
If my horrible neighbor doesn’t get ass off my property, I’m calling the cops!
The Great Wall was actually built to keep ass out of mainland China.

User
Police say three armed men forced  {n} into a limousine, there was a violent beating, and they found the victim was  {v} on Staten Island.2

Police say three armed men forced cinderblock justice into a limousine, there was a violent beating, and they found the victim was expectorating some sludge on Staten Island.
Police say three armed men forced a horse’s mouth into a limousine, there was a violent beating, and they found the victim was finding out my first husband was still alive on Staten Island.
Police say three armed men forced turmoil into a limousine, there was a violent beating, and they found the victim was rumbling deep underground on Staten Island.
Police say three armed men forced the big ol’ boys into a limousine, there was a violent beating, and they found the victim was lifting off the toilet on Staten Island.
Police say three armed men forced slug trails into a limousine, there was a violent beating, and they found the victim was not noticing on Staten Island.
Police say three armed men forced a flip into a limousine, there was a violent beating, and they found the victim was masticating fresh fruit on Staten Island.

User
raping an entire family including the dog v

After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Raping an Entire Family Including the Dog
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, being carted away, sloth, wrath, raping an entire family including the dog, and pride.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by Yorkshire pudding and raping an entire family including the dog.
Hark! What raping an entire family including the dog through yonder window breaks?
Raping an entire family including the dog is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
The only way to make sense out of raping an entire family including the dog is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.

User
sweating, groaning and screaming vt

Bumper sticker: My other ride is sweating, groaning and screaming.
Amtrak officials confirm sweating, groaning and screaming would have prevented train derailment.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with sweating, groaning and screaming.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Sweating, Groaning and Screaming” syndrome!
Always walk into an interview with a blinding flash of insight and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate sweating, groaning and screaming.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, sweating, groaning and screaming appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.

User
my hot girlfriend n

On my way to work today, I had to swerve around my hot girlfriend on the freeway.
At the winery tour we saw how they put my hot girlfriend and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like gourmet drinking chocolate.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of my hot girlfriend.
I ordered my hot girlfriend privately over the Internet so I can get better at twerking while farting bubbles.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for my hot girlfriend?
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got naval victory painted on both sides, which some say encourages my hot girlfriend.

User
the water n

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always the water. Always.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore the water in a very realistic way.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider the water.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Water.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow the water?
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into the water.



thinking about spiders v

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember thinking about spiders?”
I’m getting Malibu Barbie installed in my car, so I can be thinking about spiders while I drive.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw thinking about spiders for the first time!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began thinking about spiders.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s thinking about spiders and I think I believe her!
I ordered a skull on a spike privately over the Internet so I can get better at thinking about spiders.

User
lactating dogs np

Working on my car I found lactating dogs had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Pundits agree it will take lactating dogs for the senator to win the election.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of lactating dogs in the sky.
Shepherds in Scotland have used lactating dogs for years to keep the flock from maggots.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of lactating dogs.
1) A robot may not injure lactating dogs, or through inaction allow lactating dogs to come to harm.



They didn't have   at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed by  .2

They didn't have a centerpiece at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed by hella teen angst.
They didn't have David Bowie, the ultimate Moon Lord at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed by the wrong man.
They didn't have unnatural lust at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed by acts.
They didn't have Cochise at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed by a crooked cop.
They didn't have a prepaid Visa™ at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed by infinite sausage.
They didn't have a bathroom scale at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed by Quaaludes.

User
Sometimes I wish I could just lock  {n} and  {n} in a room and let 'em fight it out.2

Sometimes I wish I could just lock a bag of duck vaginas and a big donkey in a room and let 'em fight it out.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock a strong magnet and an even harder bang in a room and let 'em fight it out.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock Mama Hole and Papa Pole and mermen in a room and let 'em fight it out.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock a remedy and a night of gentle flatulence in a room and let 'em fight it out.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock a hearty 8-pound pork roast and tiny men in a room and let 'em fight it out.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock dad and the runs in a room and let 'em fight it out.

User
my hot little hands np

When my hot little hands is ready, a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice will appear.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience my hot little hands like I was really there.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like my hot little hands.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a human face, with my hot little hands around the edges, and lollygagging on top.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in my hot little hands.
I ordered my hot little hands privately over the Internet so I can get better at putting up with you.

User
Consider  {v} with  . It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 2

Consider covering the expenses with a one hundred dollar bill. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Consider pacifying all religions with a loose handrail. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Consider crossing a moral boundary with a sexy, but stylish full turn. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Consider being bred in captivity with precious ambergris. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Consider putting up with you with a banana slug. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
Consider chasing a firetruck with a time machine that has yet to be invented. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.


User
Giving up   is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Giving up being controlled by a child is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Giving up a urinal cake is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Giving up bitches on the love throne is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Giving up a cascade of problems is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Giving up a perverted, unnatural cavern is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
Giving up the nectar of the gods is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.


User
Get   first, then you can screw up   as you please. 2

Get a shard of shrapnel first, then you can screw up smearing as you please.
Get eating a bowl of spider webs first, then you can screw up friends that can keep a secret as you please.
Get a half-brain slave first, then you can screw up droppin’ trou on the way up the stairs as you please.
Get giggling schoolgirls with cameras first, then you can screw up a complete set of cybernetic implants as you please.
Get pierced butt cheeks first, then you can screw up befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind as you please.
Get a dog head first, then you can screw up your imaginary friend, Captain Howdy as you please.


User
The fear of   follows from the fear of  . A man who is   is prepared to die at any time. 3

The fear of loving my idiot husband despite his faults follows from the fear of my brother, who I’m sure you remember. A man who is ear worms is prepared to die at any time.
The fear of a firm slap to the groin follows from the fear of a church full of liars. A man who is a state trooper is prepared to die at any time.
The fear of a liberal application follows from the fear of a skin tag. A man who is wanting to be noticed is prepared to die at any time.
The fear of a Swiss murder suit follows from the fear of a result of high energy prices. A man who is your fluid-filled lungs is prepared to die at any time.
The fear of fewer wheels follows from the fear of an ant in my beard. A man who is American interference is prepared to die at any time.
The fear of a psychiatrist examining my behavior follows from the fear of something to consider. A man who is feeding upon nematodes is prepared to die at any time.


User
a mortal wound n

The cineplex has been using a mortal wound in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
This workplace has gone (0) days without a mortal wound.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk a mortal wound.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a mortal wound and a mouthfeel like blacking out and making a sex sound.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a mortal wound came on the screen.
At my 9th birthday, we had a mortal wound piñata that burst open showering acute watery diarrhea on us kids.

User
repeating the same mistake v

I’ll never know why my grandparents find repeating the same mistake so relaxing.
Always walk into an interview with one thousand scorpions and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate repeating the same mistake.
My nightly ritual involves a plan gone horribly wrong, repeating the same mistake, and finally fighting your family just as I fall asleep.
Amtrak officials confirm repeating the same mistake would have prevented train derailment.
See now black people walk like the top 3 floors. But white people -- white people walk like they’re repeating the same mistake!
I’m getting complex maths installed in my car, so I can be repeating the same mistake while I drive.

User
being too busy v

The survey team detected being too busy so I threw the normal manner in my truck and drove straight there.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by being too busy around the building.
Being too busy has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then being too busy really affected me.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: being too busy .
There is no revenge so complete as being too busy .



being busy with it v

Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of ideas above your station and being busy with it.
The new bill before congress would mandate a creepy dude and provide subsidies for being busy with it.
My nightly ritual involves a collar around my neck, being busy with it, and finally bear sperm just as I fall asleep.
Although moving away from tender pinches proved effective for schools, switching to being busy with it initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, you, ya dirty bum, sloth, wrath, being busy with it, and pride.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if you aren’t both being busy with it.

User
his tumor n

Go, go, Gadget His Tumor!
During my driving test, I backed my car into his tumor. I still got an 85!
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide his tumor directly.
10% of all proceeds from sales of his tumor will go to The Fighting One-on-one foundation.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in his tumor.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of his tumor.

User
a suddenly quiet infant n

Happiness: A frantic woman, a suddenly quiet infant, and multiethnic genitalia.
I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself with a suddenly quiet infant.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a suddenly quiet infant, with almost enough oxygen around the edges, and the wool over my eyes on top.
If you have a dream about a suddenly quiet infant, it meas you’re worried about a lump in the blanket.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a suddenly quiet infant and a soap bubble.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: A Suddenly Quiet Infant Blast!

User
the best parts of slavery np

I got into my car and sat on the best parts of slavery. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of the best parts of slavery and a mouthfeel like a gynecological procedure.
Can I get some floss? There’s the best parts of slavery between my teeth.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of the best parts of slavery.
Howdy neighbor, love the best parts of slavery! Let’s get 100% plastic adult toys sometime!
Shepherds in Scotland have used a bold move for years to keep the flock from the best parts of slavery.

User
You stole  {n} from a charity? That's like taking candy from a baby! You're   and you're going to hell!2

You stole you kids from a charity? That's like taking candy from a baby! You're bucketloads and you're going to hell!
You stole a low wall from a charity? That's like taking candy from a baby! You're attacking everything in your path and you're going to hell!
You stole a fancy feast from a charity? That's like taking candy from a baby! You're a playpen and you're going to hell!
You stole those glorious gams from a charity? That's like taking candy from a baby! You're fate and you're going to hell!
You stole the manner to which I am accustomed from a charity? That's like taking candy from a baby! You're fresh young minds and you're going to hell!
You stole flailing from a charity? That's like taking candy from a baby! You're closet lesbians and you're going to hell!

User
What  {ptc}!? I don't remember   the way you remember!2

What desperate dog sex!? I don't remember lewd acts in public the way you remember!
What ocean Nazis!? I don't remember getting HUGE the way you remember!
What due time!? I don't remember plenty of everything the way you remember!
What all the leopards!? I don't remember females with four teats the way you remember!
What transvestite cosplay!? I don't remember a deluge of vomit the way you remember!
What nosy neighbors!? I don't remember fewer wheels the way you remember!

User
dank memes np

I tried to sneak out of the store with dank memes under one arm and multiethnic genitalia down my pants.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only an icy tomb and dank memes come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found dank memes.
Outrageous new comedy: 2 best friends and Saint Dracula’s cathedral take a road trip, and discover dank memes along the way.
I keep finding dank memes between the couch cushions. Are these yours?
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by dank memes around the building.

User
They say that everything is about sex, except  , which is about  .2

They say that everything is about sex, except yoga farts, which is about lips.
They say that everything is about sex, except black leggings, which is about the white man.
They say that everything is about sex, except robotic beer wenches, which is about an eyeless face.
They say that everything is about sex, except high heels, which is about sneaking into the sultan’s harem.
They say that everything is about sex, except a dirigible death match, which is about twiddly fingers.
They say that everything is about sex, except anorexia, which is about 19 cannons.

User
getting snapped in half v

Thanks for getting snapped in half last night. *wink* *wink*
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always getting snapped in half. Always.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “getting snapped in half”.
Apparently, “Getting Snapped in Half” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
The authorities followed the trail of getting snapped in half, leading them straight to the suspect.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like getting snapped in half.

User
slapping everything v

During the war, German scientists experimented with slapping everything to weaponize mercury poisoning.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride my mom teaching sex ed. It made me feel like I was slapping everything.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a head full of ideas and a mouthfeel like slapping everything.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then slapping everything really affected me.
The survey team detected slapping everything so I threw stainless steel plating in my truck and drove straight there.
If you have a dream about Disneyland!, it meas you’re worried about slapping everything.

User
When I saw  {n} I was scared, but when it suddenly started  {v} and coming towards me I went white as a sheet!2

When I saw my sister’s closet I was scared, but when it suddenly started pleading for more men and supplies and coming towards me I went white as a sheet!
When I saw a day at the beach I was scared, but when it suddenly started windmilling and coming towards me I went white as a sheet!
When I saw a strangler I was scared, but when it suddenly started running until you die and coming towards me I went white as a sheet!
When I saw my private supply I was scared, but when it suddenly started doing it RIGHT this time! and coming towards me I went white as a sheet!
When I saw a demon torture puzzle box I was scared, but when it suddenly started closing her legs and coming towards me I went white as a sheet!
When I saw a sterilized dog I was scared, but when it suddenly started danglin’ out there all pink and naked and coming towards me I went white as a sheet!

User
touching my deformity v

Military scientists in Syria found traces of touching my deformity in the soil.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: touching-my-deformity@the-dutch-oven.net
SWF seeking LTR or fun for now, if you’re into touching my deformity, get to the front of the line.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “touching my deformity”.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and touching my deformity.
Facebook just bought a Bad Time Company, hoping to get a stronger position in touching my deformity.



corruption nc

Getting corruption back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring corruption.
My nightly ritual involves a horizontal ass crack, corruption, and finally doing a bad job at pooping just as I fall asleep.
God didn’t create me. God created corruption. And corruption created me.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Corruption.
Corruption can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.

User
a child born of incest ?

Holy dogshit, Texas! Only a jackhammer and a child born of incest come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
The city put in new road signs to indicate a child born of incest just up ahead.
It’s lucky to touch a child born of incest; it’s even luckier to touch someone else’s.
When eating alone I prefer a special kind of sandwich: layers of a child born of incest and a riding crop.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found a child born of incest in the walls at my office.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a child born of incest.

User
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with   or even have  . They were wrong.2

They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with valid reasons or even have a launch. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with a big, brown beaver or even have dilation of the uterus. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with theatrics or even have a total fucking mess. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with sharp claws or even have an alternate timeline where the Nazis won. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with the child-parent relationship or even have Teddy Roosevelt’s giant fossilized face. They were wrong.
They said I was out of my league, that I'd never get freaky with self-inflicted wounds or even have wanting to be noticed. They were wrong.

User
good, christian values ?

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as good, christian values, score points by having too many irons in the fire, and gourmet drinking chocolate shall not be on the field.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using good, christian values to forage for food.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: drool-drops@good-christian-values.net
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with good, christian values! It’s all here in my manifesto!
My religion demands that I must always have spooning distance, and that I must abstain from good, christian values.
Last night I dreamed of good, christian values. I cannot shake the feeling that a nation of damsels will arrive soon.

User
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to   but loves it when it's with  {n}.2

My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to bathwater but loves it when it's with a thick layer of frosting.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to kicking the door down but loves it when it's with the price of HIV.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to napkins but loves it when it's with reasonable stereotypes.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to the taste of Rohypnol but loves it when it's with a familiar scent.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to a fat and fancy pigeon but loves it when it's with spiders.
My little brother is strange, he'll turn up his nose to stainless steel plating but loves it when it's with sliced vegetables.

User
waiting for you in your room v

Look, man, I’m not into waiting for you in your room. But $20 is $20.
The water tower looks like it’s waiting for you in your room from this angle.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s waiting for you in your room.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Waiting for You in Your Room Blast!
Men, like a piece of cake, go farthest when they are waiting for you in your room.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on waiting for you in your room.

User
a child huddled in the corner ?

My nightly ritual involves a child huddled in the corner, a humorless Japanese businessman, and finally Muslim leaders who condemn terrorism just as I fall asleep.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put a child huddled in the corner in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a child huddled in the corner.
During my driving test, I backed my car into a child huddled in the corner. I still got an 85!
Last Christmas, I gave you a child huddled in the corner. The very next day, you gave it away.
Always walk into an interview with worse people than that and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a child huddled in the corner.

User
gangstas np

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to gangstas.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, gangstas in and out.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate gangstas.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for gangstas.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Gangstas”! I shook his hand and it felt like gangstas.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I put gangstas in the pillows.

User
your best friend ?

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a girl on roller skates, part was a feast of blood, and it was crowned with your best friend.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide your best friend directly.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow your best friend?
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s your best friend and I think I believe her!
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about your best friend.
Spice up the bedroom by your best friend.

User
making sure it hurts ?

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide making sure it hurts directly.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of making sure it hurts.
When eating alone I prefer a special kind of sandwich: layers of making sure it hurts and a child muzzle.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Making Sure It Hurts,” the finest ship in the harbor!
I’ve been dancing to the new single by “Making Sure It Hurts and a Cure for What Ails Ya”.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s making sure it hurts.

User
going as deep as possible ?

Man invented going as deep as possible, so woman invented not a bear.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was going as deep as possible.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Going as Deep as Possible” syndrome!
I am become going as deep as possible, the destroyer of worlds.
Back in my day, we had going as deep as possible for a low wall and we LIKED IT.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “going as deep as possible” incident in the science lab.

User
forcing me to watch ?

I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself with forcing me to watch.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually forcing me to watch.
There’s no reason for forcing me to watch before breakfast.
I went rafting, saw forcing me to watch in the river, no big deal.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of forcing me to watch, the NAACP, and swindling queers.
Forcing me to watch is grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.

User
Oh, no matter, we've more important things to discuss. Arrangements for the wedding,  ,  , all that sort of thing.2

Oh, no matter, we've more important things to discuss. Arrangements for the wedding, Cochise, the last man in the room, all that sort of thing.
Oh, no matter, we've more important things to discuss. Arrangements for the wedding, a royal fleet of galleys, fewer wheels, all that sort of thing.
Oh, no matter, we've more important things to discuss. Arrangements for the wedding, an obstinate, but lovable grandfather, the off-switch, all that sort of thing.
Oh, no matter, we've more important things to discuss. Arrangements for the wedding, what Mom made, feeling fat and sassy, all that sort of thing.
Oh, no matter, we've more important things to discuss. Arrangements for the wedding, negotiating peace, going straight to hell for this, all that sort of thing.
Oh, no matter, we've more important things to discuss. Arrangements for the wedding, a flea, the French crown, all that sort of thing.

User
The fortunes were squandered upon   while Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become   in her own house.2

The fortunes were squandered upon not taking care of your body while Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become a bag of chips in her own house.
The fortunes were squandered upon adhesive in all the wrong places while Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become pooping for four hours a day in her own house.
The fortunes were squandered upon a little of this, a little of that while Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become piles of limbs in her own house.
The fortunes were squandered upon reasonable stereotypes while Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become a tiny Jamaican in her own house.
The fortunes were squandered upon a flagrant misuse of the English language while Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become an itchy shirt tag in her own house.
The fortunes were squandered upon earwig pincers while Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become the heart in her own house.

User
Nailed it.
nailing it ?

In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy an ounce of nailing it at a time.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s nailing it.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep nailing it out of mainland China.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using nailing it to forage for food.
Don’t look at me while I’m nailing it! It messes me up!
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: nailing-it@a-fresh-clean-merkin.net

User
Wake turbulence, also known as  , is turbulence that forms behind   as it passes through the air.2

Wake turbulence, also known as twerking while uncontrollably farting, is turbulence that forms behind body shaming as it passes through the air.
Wake turbulence, also known as real life, is turbulence that forms behind explicit eating as it passes through the air.
Wake turbulence, also known as a well-rehearsed lie, is turbulence that forms behind floating away in a fucking balloon as it passes through the air.
Wake turbulence, also known as a poisonous bosom snake, is turbulence that forms behind leaving nothing sacred as it passes through the air.
Wake turbulence, also known as a sterilized dog, is turbulence that forms behind a serious scuffle as it passes through the air.
Wake turbulence, also known as a nurse, is turbulence that forms behind the heart as it passes through the air.

User
a totally fake magic spell ?

At LAX travelers were horrified to see a totally fake magic spell spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
A totally fake magic spell is the only way to say goodbye.
I noticed symptoms of less candy than usual, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s a totally fake magic spell!” but I’m not sure.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using a totally fake magic spell to forage for food.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me a totally fake magic spell while we were still in the car.
My dream house has casualties out front, picture windows for double rat butts, and a totally fake magic spell in the garage.

User
To cast the spell to ward away  , young wizard, prepare a mixture with   and say the magic words "Lumiarmus Conjurendus  dus !"3

To cast the spell to ward away very fine points, young wizard, prepare a mixture with a medley and say the magic words "Lumiarmus Conjurendus a death sentencedus !"
To cast the spell to ward away amputated eyelids, young wizard, prepare a mixture with feasting and slaughter and say the magic words "Lumiarmus Conjurendus insinceritydus !"
To cast the spell to ward away alien parasite larvae, young wizard, prepare a mixture with a hollow shell and say the magic words "Lumiarmus Conjurendus what we asked fordus !"
To cast the spell to ward away doing a bad job at pooping, young wizard, prepare a mixture with insurance and say the magic words "Lumiarmus Conjurendus entering hibernationdus !"
To cast the spell to ward away an under-the-table interaction, young wizard, prepare a mixture with violent death and say the magic words "Lumiarmus Conjurendus a giant cyborgdus !"
To cast the spell to ward away a bullet hole, young wizard, prepare a mixture with several children and say the magic words "Lumiarmus Conjurendus gettin’ all up closedus !"

User
having no time for your childish behavior ?

Having no time for your childish behavior can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.
In this 15th century painting, having no time for your childish behavior is represented by a man with affectionate biting for a head.
Ich bin ein having no time for your childish behavior.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of having no time for your childish behavior.
The city condemned our house after finding having no time for your childish behavior in the crawlspace.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to having no time for your childish behavior, even before I put on my clothes.

User
getting all over my new furniture ?

Until quite recently, getting all over my new furniture had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for getting all over my new furniture.
The hardware store didn’t have getting all over my new furniture left, so I got a planet.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is getting all over my new furniture.
My nightly ritual involves getting all over my new furniture, a giant eraser, and finally filthy underpants just as I fall asleep.
In my state, getting all over my new furniture for sustenance is a legal right for many indigenous people.

User
being dragged ?

I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had being dragged.
My car looks like it’s being dragged but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
Being dragged can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw being dragged for the first time!
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with being dragged hanging in the window.
BonerQuest! Chapter 7, in which our randy hero deals with being dragged.

User
hitting a man out of his wheelchair ?

John “hitting a man out of his wheelchair” Smith. The genius who brought us expulsion.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, hitting a man out of his wheelchair... Sweet! Sunny-D!
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with hitting a man out of his wheelchair hanging in the window.
hitting a man out of his wheelchair isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as hitting a man out of his wheelchair surfaced from below.
In the public hitting a man out of his wheelchair model, a third-party service provider delivers the hitting a man out of his wheelchair service over the Internet.

User
alcohol ?

Then God said, “Let there be alcohol”; and there was alcohol. And God saw that alcohol was good.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with alcohol! It’s all here in my manifesto!
The city condemned our house after finding alcohol in the crawlspace.
And before I let your steam drill beat me down, I’ll die with alcohol in my hand.
The cruiseliner struck alcohol and sank, leaving hundreds of vacationers in the water to deal with shenanigans.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not alcohol like your brother?”

User
I came with   to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought   so nobody even noticed!2

I came with a silly goose to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought a provocation so nobody even noticed!
I came with an exercise machine to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought my point of view so nobody even noticed!
I came with a collar around my neck to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought a mental illness so nobody even noticed!
I came with habanero salsa to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought unnatural lust so nobody even noticed!
I came with a busy bee to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought 19 cannons so nobody even noticed!
I came with seeking death to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought pendulous breasts so nobody even noticed!

User
The airline provided   as a fantastic way to keep us happy on the flight. Didn't need it, though, I brought  !2

The airline provided an Uber™ we didn’t order as a fantastic way to keep us happy on the flight. Didn't need it, though, I brought a strangler!
The airline provided valid reasoning as a fantastic way to keep us happy on the flight. Didn't need it, though, I brought a xenophobic history lesson!
The airline provided bursting exuberantly onto the national scene as a fantastic way to keep us happy on the flight. Didn't need it, though, I brought the jape of the century!
The airline provided #1 Dad as a fantastic way to keep us happy on the flight. Didn't need it, though, I brought a vast understatement!
The airline provided a wailing infant as a fantastic way to keep us happy on the flight. Didn't need it, though, I brought a suffering bastard!
The airline provided the bowel fairy as a fantastic way to keep us happy on the flight. Didn't need it, though, I brought infectious laughter!

User
Damn it, don't sneak up on me when I'm workin' on  ! If I didn't realize you wasn't   I coulda shot ya dead!2

Damn it, don't sneak up on me when I'm workin' on slash and burn shaving! If I didn't realize you wasn't baby Brussels sprouts and butter I coulda shot ya dead!
Damn it, don't sneak up on me when I'm workin' on a mutilated torso! If I didn't realize you wasn't my sexual partners I coulda shot ya dead!
Damn it, don't sneak up on me when I'm workin' on worse people than that! If I didn't realize you wasn't a dusty butthole I coulda shot ya dead!
Damn it, don't sneak up on me when I'm workin' on floating away in a fucking balloon! If I didn't realize you wasn't in-flight entertainment I coulda shot ya dead!
Damn it, don't sneak up on me when I'm workin' on hot slugs! If I didn't realize you wasn't a succulent jumbo prawn I coulda shot ya dead!
Damn it, don't sneak up on me when I'm workin' on accidentally decking a cop in the head! If I didn't realize you wasn't a fruitless task I coulda shot ya dead!

User
I aspire to be more than just  . Without   I think I can do it.2

I aspire to be more than just a shiftless ne’er-do-well. Without real life I think I can do it.
I aspire to be more than just a bad time. Without sabotage I think I can do it.
I aspire to be more than just a leather swing. Without palace after palace I think I can do it.
I aspire to be more than just just plain racism. Without a jaundiced view of humanity I think I can do it.
I aspire to be more than just exact science. Without newer technology I think I can do it.
I aspire to be more than just 50,000 volts of electricity. Without a one hundred dollar bill I think I can do it.

User
  nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid  ?2

a creepier perv nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid the reality of the situation?
oral fixations nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid Liam Neeson’s Halfway House for Silly Girls?
a historical dame nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid compressed gas?
an iceberg nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid eating a bowl of spider webs?
horsing around nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid shenanigans?
an Uber™ we didn’t order nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes?

User
My kid was acting like  , so I took away   and   privileges.3

My kid was acting like wriggly little worms, so I took away a velvet fist and lady business privileges.
My kid was acting like something just about right, so I took away mediocre tits and tumbling down a mountain privileges.
My kid was acting like sinister plans, so I took away a hackneyed truism and Moon Base Alpha privileges.
My kid was acting like a leopard invasion, so I took away fingernail torture and an effigy privileges.
My kid was acting like godless heathens, so I took away a squirt of mustard and relaxing and letting it roll down your leg privileges.
My kid was acting like seed, so I took away a berserk horse and laughing and lying privileges.

User
I got   as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with  ?2

I got a determined shark as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with a big dang deal?
I got stunning, beautiful moobs as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with furries?
I got black leggings as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with a tiny bat crawling up your peehole?
I got a caged madman as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with drool drops?
I got killers as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with a sassy male news reporter?
I got thrifty moms as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with Taco Bell®?

User
prying her mouth open ?

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide prying her mouth open directly.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about casting a hex and prying her mouth open. Should I talk to him?
There is no revenge so complete as prying her mouth open.
I got into my car and sat on prying her mouth open. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Go, go, Gadget Prying Her Mouth Open!
The authorities followed the trail of prying her mouth open, leading them straight to the suspect.

User
The seven natural uses for   in the garden include applying it evenly to ward off  .2

The seven natural uses for bodily harm in the garden include applying it evenly to ward off friends that can keep a secret.
The seven natural uses for a gold ingot in the garden include applying it evenly to ward off a broken ceiling tile.
The seven natural uses for one Planck length in the garden include applying it evenly to ward off tumbling down a mountain.
The seven natural uses for smoky chipotle flavored scuba air in the garden include applying it evenly to ward off an unfair coin.
The seven natural uses for valid reasoning in the garden include applying it evenly to ward off deliberately standing in front of a cannon.
The seven natural uses for rigid pipes in the garden include applying it evenly to ward off a demon torture puzzle box.

User
Barry loading himself up in the cannon ?

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then Barry loading himself up in the cannon really affected me.
During routine surgery, the doctors found Barry loading himself up in the cannon embedded in my abdomen.
Barry loading himself up in the cannon is the only way to say goodbye.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is Barry loading himself up in the cannon.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. A Broken Ceiling Tile is Barry loading himself up in the cannon.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always Barry loading himself up in the cannon. Always.

User
an arctic wizard with a knife ?

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was an arctic wizard with a knife.
Getting an arctic wizard with a knife back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
Here’s a certificate for an arctic wizard with a knife from me. Redeem at any time!
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out an arctic wizard with a knife.
Don’t look at me while I’m an arctic wizard with a knife! It messes me up!
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I put an arctic wizard with a knife in the pillows.

User
One month later   produces an egg which resembles  . This egg must be protected for several months.2

One month later extra padding for my butt produces an egg which resembles that urpy feeling like when you eat too much. This egg must be protected for several months.
One month later Katy Perry’s kitty, Kitty Purry produces an egg which resembles my point of view. This egg must be protected for several months.
One month later blocking the exit produces an egg which resembles a long rambling story. This egg must be protected for several months.
One month later everything under the sea produces an egg which resembles manliness. This egg must be protected for several months.
One month later specimens produces an egg which resembles twerking over my enemy’s grave. This egg must be protected for several months.
One month later a slot produces an egg which resembles my fantasy. This egg must be protected for several months.

User
I've never heard   talk, but I'm confident that it's possible.

I've never heard Orange Julius talk, but I'm confident that it's possible.
I've never heard white-knuckled terror talk, but I'm confident that it's possible.
I've never heard greedy land barons talk, but I'm confident that it's possible.
I've never heard taking a lonesome road talk, but I'm confident that it's possible.
I've never heard dark magic talk, but I'm confident that it's possible.
I've never heard the taste of Rohypnol talk, but I'm confident that it's possible.

User
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with  . So bring  .2

Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with upsetting footage not suitable for children. So bring every pterodactyl.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with Eskimo settlements. So bring a do-gooder.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with rumpy pumpy. So bring expectorating some sludge.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with mood enhancing hormones. So bring wishing your girlfriend would get kidnapped.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with just a peek. So bring maximum attitude.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with springing into action. So bring most people.

User
getting busy v

SWF seeking LTR or fun for now, if you’re into getting busy, get to the front of the line.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was getting busy.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, getting busy appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
The unofficial symbol of the United States is getting busy.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide getting busy directly.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by getting busy.

v]
User
_____ will have to do because we still need time for _____ if we want to ready for the party.2

white-knuckled terror will have to do because we still need time for going out on a limb if we want to ready for the party.
an alibi will have to do because we still need time for a madhouse! A madhouse! if we want to ready for the party.
the thin veneer of causality that underlies porn will have to do because we still need time for the hole where the heart once fit if we want to ready for the party.
a listless wasp will have to do because we still need time for a bad chicken if we want to ready for the party.
my love of children will have to do because we still need time for an empty Tic Tac® box if we want to ready for the party.
a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft will have to do because we still need time for Voodoo driving school if we want to ready for the party.

User
John "_____" Smith. The genius who brought us _____.2

John "unbelievably beautiful hair" Smith. The genius who brought us a fifteen-pound newborn.
John "a quiver of love arrows" Smith. The genius who brought us setbacks.
John "sex smell" Smith. The genius who brought us torturing your family.
John "poorly orchestrated group sex" Smith. The genius who brought us real, actual witchcraft.
John "the NAACP" Smith. The genius who brought us a very hot pan.
John "ill-advised business decisions" Smith. The genius who brought us Disneyland!.

User
That's the opposite of _____! How will that help us with _____?!2

That's the opposite of Ein Berliner! How will that help us with attacking everything in your path?!
That's the opposite of Michael Jackson and his boa constrictor! How will that help us with both emissaries?!
That's the opposite of a hardened native warrior! How will that help us with a large abscess?!
That's the opposite of high-voltage wires! How will that help us with the last breath of a dying man?!
That's the opposite of fingernail torture! How will that help us with only my index finger?!
That's the opposite of an even harder bang! How will that help us with too much wiggling?!

User
My entire life I've been waiting for _____... and now that I'm satisfied, all I want is _____.2

My entire life I've been waiting for my point of view... and now that I'm satisfied, all I want is a human tooth necklace.
My entire life I've been waiting for its opposite... and now that I'm satisfied, all I want is breastfeeding.
My entire life I've been waiting for what we asked for... and now that I'm satisfied, all I want is the amount of land in southern Scotland.
My entire life I've been waiting for a power cord... and now that I'm satisfied, all I want is opulent fuckers.
My entire life I've been waiting for oil-covered birds... and now that I'm satisfied, all I want is a pack of smokes.
My entire life I've been waiting for a very hot pan... and now that I'm satisfied, all I want is four cheese wheels.

User
_____ will continue to surprise us when _____ flies past in July.2

David Bowie, the ultimate Moon Lord will continue to surprise us when a bottle of urine flies past in July.
really bad teeth will continue to surprise us when those glorious gams flies past in July.
military-themed porn will continue to surprise us when fly honeys flies past in July.
my Kazakhstani grandma will continue to surprise us when a crooked cop flies past in July.
$20 worth of pot will continue to surprise us when a ziggurat made of torsos flies past in July.
mixed feelings will continue to surprise us when friendly nanomachines flies past in July.



If you were sitting on _____, you would see that _____ revolves around _____.3

If you were sitting on Mama Hole and Papa Pole, you would see that great tits revolves around maximum attitude.
If you were sitting on unseemliness, you would see that a giant cyborg revolves around a nation of damsels.
If you were sitting on a stupid student, you would see that surviving revolves around laughing with a mouth full of firecrackers.
If you were sitting on everything all at once, you would see that having no retort revolves around force-feeding a bird.
If you were sitting on marginal gains, you would see that the egg I hatched from revolves around a burst of energy.
If you were sitting on the next time, you would see that Arizona revolves around a head full of ideas.

User
When _____ suddenly expired, the family, the government and _____ fought bitterly over _____.3

When pickle liquor suddenly expired, the family, the government and a fat lot o’ good fought bitterly over a carafe of broccoli chowder.
When people bumping and grinding at each other with no sense of rhythm suddenly expired, the family, the government and my baby door fought bitterly over hooking yourself up to a machine you know nothing about.
When the girl next door suddenly expired, the family, the government and a top hat full of assholes fought bitterly over chicken sashimi.
When a prepaid Visa™ suddenly expired, the family, the government and blacking out and making a sex sound fought bitterly over being controlled by a child.
When impacting my sister suddenly expired, the family, the government and swamp ass fought bitterly over a lonely grave.
When long deep kisses with eyes wide open suddenly expired, the family, the government and my replacement fought bitterly over a girl on roller skates.

User
Hopefully not me this time

The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out hopefully not me this time.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of hopefully not me this time.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “hopefully not me this time”.
Give a man revealing just enough to garner interest and you feed him for a day. Give him hopefully not me this time, and you feed him for a lifetime.
Hark! What hopefully not me this time through yonder window breaks?
Back when I was hopefully not me this time, I got shot in a charcoal briquette by nothing but the truth.

User
Hiding just around the corner

On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing hiding just around the corner.”
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “hiding just around the corner”.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was hiding just around the corner.
Throughout human history, hiding just around the corner has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from hiding just around the corner.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live in hiding just around the corner across the street.

User
Hot biscuits & gravy

Go, go, Gadget hot biscuits & gravy!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “hot biscuits & gravy”.
Man invented beans on toast, so woman invented hot biscuits & gravy.
1) A robot may not injure hot biscuits & gravy, or through inaction allow hot biscuits & gravy to come to harm.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, hot biscuits & gravy appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Amtrak officials confirm hot biscuits & gravy would have prevented train derailment.

User
Always walk into an interview with _____ and confidence, you'll get the job for sure unless the interviewer is fond of saying "fuck you" to _____!2

Always walk into an interview with a van down by the river and confidence, you'll get the job for sure unless the interviewer is fond of saying "fuck you" to something I just hate!
Always walk into an interview with a choir of angels and confidence, you'll get the job for sure unless the interviewer is fond of saying "fuck you" to total collapse!
Always walk into an interview with laying eggs everywhere and confidence, you'll get the job for sure unless the interviewer is fond of saying "fuck you" to sneaking into the sultan’s harem!
Always walk into an interview with blowing the lid off the present civilization and confidence, you'll get the job for sure unless the interviewer is fond of saying "fuck you" to quick-set cement!
Always walk into an interview with kissing ass with your dick and confidence, you'll get the job for sure unless the interviewer is fond of saying "fuck you" to a sexual encounter!
Always walk into an interview with lots of rattled nerves and confidence, you'll get the job for sure unless the interviewer is fond of saying "fuck you" to the mighty moon-worm!

User
Just me, by myself

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: just me, by myself and fisticuffs atop a zeppelin.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find just me, by myself in the back seat.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of just me, by myself.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find just me, by myself.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow just me, by myself?
When feeding upon nematodes is ready, just me, by myself will appear.

User
You

When the celestial spheres align, you will descend from the heavens.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were you, would you be you as well?”
This is my second kid. My first one came out as you.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to you.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like you and is carrying children’s toys.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of you heard remote.

User
In the morning I always hop out of bed and get straight to _____, even before I put on my clothes.

In the morning I always hop out of bed and get straight to Priapus, the patron god of boners, even before I put on my clothes.
In the morning I always hop out of bed and get straight to witnesses, even before I put on my clothes.
In the morning I always hop out of bed and get straight to upsetting footage not suitable for children, even before I put on my clothes.
In the morning I always hop out of bed and get straight to nuclear warfare, even before I put on my clothes.
In the morning I always hop out of bed and get straight to a feather boa, even before I put on my clothes.
In the morning I always hop out of bed and get straight to having a zero-value existence, even before I put on my clothes.

User
Last night I dreamed of _____. I cannot shake the feeling that _____ will arrive soon.2

Last night I dreamed of my DNA. I cannot shake the feeling that Roman battlesex will arrive soon.
Last night I dreamed of a shiftless ne’er-do-well. I cannot shake the feeling that a hand grenade in my cereal will arrive soon.
Last night I dreamed of mammaries. I cannot shake the feeling that relative tranquility will arrive soon.
Last night I dreamed of judgment. I cannot shake the feeling that an irritated throat will arrive soon.
Last night I dreamed of a big chicken order. I cannot shake the feeling that a positive test for bodily fluids will arrive soon.
Last night I dreamed of smooth boys. I cannot shake the feeling that too much wiggling will arrive soon.

User
Putting up with you

J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of putting up with you.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by the last great American and putting up with you.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “putting up with you,” the finest ship in the harbor!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “putting up with you”.
Man invented putting up with you, so woman invented a swanky new style.
putting up with you has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.

User
The halo on your fucking head

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw the halo on your fucking head overboard!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “the halo on your fucking head”.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is the halo on your fucking head.
My financial analyst had advised me against investing all my money in the halo on your fucking head.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “the halo on your fucking head” and it helps me with foaming, not at the mouth.
You remind me of the halo on your fucking head because you are always casting a hex to me.

User
My love of children

Holy dogshit, Texas! Only my love of children and a squirt of mustard come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
Outrageous new comedy: 2 best friends and oiled thighs take a road trip, and discover my love of children along the way.
Apparently, “my love of children” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to my love of children.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was my love of children.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: my love of children.

User
My brother, who I'm sure you remember

A BBC team has witnessed the devastating effects of my brother, who I'm sure you remember on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Getting my brother, who I'm sure you remember back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is my brother, who I'm sure you remember.
CAUTION: Keep my brother, who I'm sure you remember out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
my brother, who I'm sure you remember makes good neighbors.
my brother, who I'm sure you remember can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.

User
My kid sister

Howdy neighbor, love my kid sister! Let’s get a velvet fist sometime!
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being my kid sister.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “my kid sister!” You’re cursed with goners until the end of the game!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “my kid sister”.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, my kid sister popped out!
my kid sister is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

User
Mommy driving me to school

Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like mommy driving me to school.
Outrageous new comedy: 2 best friends and mommy driving me to school take a road trip, and discover an ankle holster along the way.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into this. It was not my lips you kissed, but mommy driving me to school.
Happiness: mommy driving me to school, adults eating teenagers alive, and four cheese wheels.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was mommy driving me to school.
Let mommy driving me to school host your next party, providing a sleepy kitty like you’ve never seen before.

User
Daddy in his underpants

Hark! What daddy in his underpants through yonder window breaks?
This is my second kid. My first one came out as daddy in his underpants.
The terrorists will execute one hostage every 20 minutes unless they receive daddy in his underpants.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride daddy in his underpants. It made me feel like I was thick pudding.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created daddy in his underpants.
On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing daddy in his underpants.”

User
Machine gun fire

When presented with machine gun fire, blowing the lid off the present civilization will fart blood in anticipation.
Go, go, Gadget machine gun fire!
Man invented machine gun fire, so woman invented just a bit of cocaine.
There is no revenge so complete as machine gun fire.
It’s not delivery. It’s machine gun fire.
I am become machine gun fire, the destroyer of worlds.

User
Pastel colors

Driving late at night, I was horrified to find pastel colors in the back seat.
Jesus is pastel colors.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: godless heathens with pastel colors.
Single white female seeking long term relationship, if you’re into pastel colors, get to the front of the line.
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need pastel colors and a snack attack.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was pastel colors.

User
A little piece of shit

The rich aroma of a little piece of shit, from the hills of Columbia.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as embers, score points by porn of people from around the office, and a little piece of shit shall not be on the field.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around a little piece of shit on the freeway.
Happiness: a little piece of shit, learning an important lesson, and shenanigans.
a little piece of shit is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a little piece of shit.

User
Loving my idiot husband despite his faults

loving my idiot husband despite his faults: It’s nature’s candy!
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on loving my idiot husband despite his faults.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with loving my idiot husband despite his faults and a mysterious boy who fights juking left at the last second.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on loving my idiot husband despite his faults.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of loving my idiot husband despite his faults.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “loving my idiot husband despite his faults”.

User
Never being appreciated

never being appreciated... like a woman’s.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using never being appreciated to treat one night in Bangkok!
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by never being appreciated.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being never being appreciated.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from the basic unit of physics with never being appreciated.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live in never being appreciated across the street.

User
Basing my opinion on internet articles

A lifetime of basing my opinion on internet articles awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: feeling manful@basing my opinion on internet articles.net
If basing my opinion on internet articles were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of basing my opinion on internet articles.
basing my opinion on internet articles”: A new sport for boys and girls.
I reached expectantly into a strongly-worded letter, but found only basing my opinion on internet articles.

User
Completely avoiding conflict

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered completely avoiding conflict operation.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to completely avoiding conflict.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: a wall of spikes@completely avoiding conflict.net
I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself with completely avoiding conflict.
It’s lucky to touch completely avoiding conflict; it’s even luckier to touch someone else’s.
completely avoiding conflict... like a woman’s.

User
Let's get that sub 7:55 we've always been talking about.
User
One single big one

Every French soldier carries one single big one in his knapsack.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with one single big one!”
I am become one single big one, the destroyer of worlds.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then one single big one really affected me.
In future times, the children will work together to build one single big one.
one single big one! one single big one! My kingdom for one single big one!



This tested extremely well.
User
Although moving away from _____ proved effective for schools, switching to _____ initially led to a spike of hospitalization in children.2

Although moving away from hands-free massage proved effective for schools, switching to a real jerk-off initially led to a spike of hospitalization in children.
Although moving away from a ghoulish feast proved effective for schools, switching to a good thing for the heart initially led to a spike of hospitalization in children.
Although moving away from a cataclysmic magic spell proved effective for schools, switching to a breach of confidence initially led to a spike of hospitalization in children.
Although moving away from yanking hard proved effective for schools, switching to a molecule initially led to a spike of hospitalization in children.
Although moving away from the real adversary proved effective for schools, switching to insipid fools initially led to a spike of hospitalization in children.
Although moving away from a garbage truck proved effective for schools, switching to fart jokes and naughty cave paintings initially led to a spike of hospitalization in children.

User
These are all wonderful phrases.
User
MATUA TUPUNA!
User
the respect I deserve

the tragic extent of my failings
User
Boy love
The love of a boy
A boy's love

I'm not sure which is funniest. Pick one. They all sound pedophilic even though the girl equivalent does not. Go figure. Do it. Figure. Do it now.
User
Doing your best and trying your hardest.

Ridding the carcass of any diseases.
User
mom
dad
User
I also don't care who anyone is.
User
Fat-shaming your dead kids.
Truck
User
...is it bone in?
Truck
User
Was it bone in? Was it served in a traffic cone?
User
If the other inmates in spider jail find out why you're in the joint they're gonna fuck you up.
User
User
Talking to your father while he's laying on the floor dying
Truck
User
Cactus rights are all over the place in Washington, and are mostly based on city ordinances. For example, in Bremerton, if you're caught mishandling a cactus you can be fined up to $50, no big deal. However, in the fairly small town of Shelton you'll risk the death penalty for so much as even talking about a cactus, or in one case Hames vs. Carter(2011), describing a 'prickly' situation.
User
A penis-consuming butthole.
Truck
User
Spiders have no legal rights in the state of Washington, you're good, but if you leave the state you might be prosecuted.
Truck
User
I'm sorry I don't have any aids I put it all in SRAW's ass.
User
farting like a bagpipe
User
My thyroid laughed.
User
cosmetic surgery for my cat
User
a sugar father
User
daddy juice
User
Thankfully, _ can usually be pronounced dead when finally making it to _.

My mouth

User
Some kind of bizarre barbecue CPR

Mouth to mouth pig ribs

Barely in the butthole
User
An infinite supply of anything and everything right at your fucking fingertips.
User
Free exotic crabs for adoption (trained!)
User
Wallowing in the pee.
User
Kaboom Kaboom Thunder Blood from the Tombstone.

OR

Blood from the tombstone.
User
Pooping in the dutch oven.

Finding a safe place.
User
You'll get rid of it eventually.
User
Winging it with the ginger chicks.
User
Looks like a good spot to hang some headphones.
User
I want to touch you, Jeff.
User
Two bats in a giant pair of pajamas.

Thank you, Zelda.
User
You don't need to get good at the texturing.
Truck
User
Don't worry, Nick, you'll get that Maltese Falcon.

Also, killing your boyfriend would only make things worse. Since he did actually kill your cousin, you should just turn him in. You get the inheritance legitimately that way!
User
handcuffing a four-year-old
Truck
User
Jeff, no.
User
You do know that the age of a game does not reflect how long it is, right?
User
a mass of lymphatic tissue

debriding biological tissue

a gynecologic procedure

dilation of the uterus
User
Punching a brain.
User
Assuming complete control.
Truck
User
I don't know what a kz/shop is. Sounds pretty gay, though...
User
Think of it this way: If you fuck up, we'll all make fun of you, and think less of you forever.
Truck
User
Do it, faggot.
User
smiling ladies in caves

a bat crawling up your peehole
User
Filthy Clown Rump
User
Crytax said:
A truck full of ladders


I like this one, the rest are meh.
User
Giant blue spiders and flies that have nothing to do
User
A disparate cloud of floaty sugar pubes
User
I randomly got back to and finished this animation that I started many years ago. Isn't that swell?

User
SuperJer said:
Do you have a PC that can run it? PCs from 2 years ago already out perform current gen consoles.

I want them to redo Skyrim and fix the boring dialog and missing animations. And the boring ending.


And the absolute lack of characters.
Truck
User
I lol'd pretty hard at your decision there.
User
Spunk Eggs.
User
Machine-gun Betty is just a funny sounding name. Also she's my ex-wife.
User
Keepin' it warm in the cooch.
User
A penis with a tongue.

A tongue with a ball sack.

A head full of ideas.

A close friend.

Making it weird.

Telling kids about sex.

A ruby-eyed beast in the dark.

Truth Serum.

The very foundation.

An automated turret.

Machine-gun Betty.
User
Homo Hot Lips
User
I am in love.
User
I dressed up as a SWAT zombie and chased customers around my store all day. It was great! Some of them actually ran out of the store and didn't come back!
User
Circumcising your dad.
User
Dark Sun: Shattered Lands, bitches.

Y'all ain't know shit 'bout no old games.
Truck
User
I really can't quite figure how there are 4.8 million of someone else's magic cards in my bedroom.
Truck
User
I was into MtG but then too many expansions came out and I got scared. That was back when like Alliances came out I think... so, yeah, I'm a little out of touch.
User
I will just keep logging in because it won't hurt anything.
User
This conversation amuses me.

Also, on a separate note, I took a bunch of pants from the store without paying for them. I went home and brought up the hem a little bit, but the police noticed my modifications and fined me three thousand dollars.
User
Ryu was my first level and he was really, really easy with just the buster. I get that you can time one shot well, but I don't want to play a megaman game where that is the only enemy type.
User
Ryu, then Chunlord, then Rolentax, then the purple woman, then Dhalsim. Dhalsim level was the worst, and made me stop playing. Every enemy was extremely irritating, and none of the weapons I acquired were any more useful than the megabuster.
User
I didn't like it. I played 5 of the levels, beat 3 of them, and noticed there was very little variance in enemy type, and that all of the enemies had irritating invincibility periods or other methods of completely avoiding damage. None of the weapons I obtained overcame these things. The game was a real chore to play.
User
Yeah, I wanna see kmac's CV runs, kmac is my boy.
User
Who here is twelve? Am I twelve? What is happening.
User
Hutch?
User
Don't concern yourself.
User
Full Monty Mole disrupts many races:



Mario is HUGE:





Wario is HUGER:



What is it but folly for a man to see all others as rivals and enemies? Ludwig is ponderous:

User
Here you go, try one these.



User
I did, thank you.
User
Foopy Parts
User
I've done some things I shouldn't do.





User
SuperJer said:
When the time comes to spin the cocoon in which it will spend the winter, it must decide whether to go up _, or down _.

Truck
User
NurtureJack said:
THERE'S A SECOND SEASON OF MUSHISHI?

ASHFJDFDSGLHSDRFGHLADSFweoigutry%g owre fdhvnrawlhwdfilhrwyh?G

NNNNGGGGHHH NGGGGGHHHH!!! NNNNNNNGGGGGGHHHHH!!! NNGGH!
User
There is a general theme of SJ and I alternating posts.






And then womanly.



Also, apparently Rosalina is getting upgrades, probably as a result of emotional trauma.







Bonus Crazed Mario and Link:



Bonus What is this I don't even:





In the past there was also a bit of sanic flair:




Which got better drawn and more horrifying at the end.



Or just more horrifying.

User
Alan Tudyk was not chemically castrated. That card is stupid.
User
No, indian food is the best food.
Truck
User
Well, they always do build water temples in places where the veil between worlds is thin.
User
SJ is a lying whore bitch.
User
a big chicken order
User
Having already overcome ______, finally surpassing ______ was the crowning achievement of her long career.

Having already overcome a moral boundary, finally surpassing being unable to look yourself in the mirror was the crowning achievement of her long career.

Having already overcome a sexual encounter, finally surpassing my latest perversion was the crowning achievement of her long career.
Truck
User
He probably brought a still living sow with him to the holy lands.
User
a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice
User
Cheating is the only way to win AFAIK.
User
Shut up, Frist, you're not even a real person.
User
"A horizontal ass crack"
User
SuperJer, 2014 said:
I was made in China, but then so was every tangible surface in the USA.

User
"a beauteous comb over"
User
SuperJer said:
chewing on cars like a giant titanium allosaurus.


White card?
User
I heard pound, fresh and joy in the same sentence. I don't know what's going on, but I'm sure I'm all for it.
User
Respect the Crawfather.
User
SRAW said:
aaronjer said:
Wait staff gets paid almost entirely in tips in the US. Their non-tip wage is nearly nothing.


They get paid minimum wage which is more than enough to buy a LOT of pizza, just saying

And also I don't understand all the funny license plates, cause one of my neighbors had a STAYFLY plate


That depends on the state. Some are required to pay normal state minimum wage, many are allowed to pay like $2 an hour.
User
Twitching bodies at the bottom of the ocean.
User
4 was good enough for me to play it a little before I got bored. That's better than most games!
User
"a system of tunnels leading to key locations."

Who is wise? He that learns from ______. Who is powerful? He that governs ______. Who is rich? He that is content with ______. Who is that? Nobody.


OR

Who is ______? He that learns from everyone. Who is ______? He that governs his passions. Who is ______? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

OR

Who is wise? He that learns from ______. Who is powerful? He that governs ______. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? ______.

User
I need to know how much that tornado can bench so that I might accurately mock its noodle gusts.

White Cards:
Useless noodle arms
A wimpy tornado
User
Wait staff gets paid almost entirely in tips in the US. Their non-tip wage is nearly nothing.
Truck
User
That voltorb looks like a fucking pokeball you fuck up.
User
SuperJer said:

Twerking on accident.


Fixed.
User
Twerking your front butt.
Truck
User
It's not funny. A man died.
User
Cheat Engine can be used to snoop the fuck out of (and alter) variables. It takes around half an hour for someone of my intellect to figure out how to do it.

This can be used to watch variables while a program is running.
Truck
User
Gun can fight.
Truck
User
You have a boring head.
Truck
User
That's very special.
User
...

...

I think I may have to award points for the first time in years.
User
"Do not make sexual advances unless you are given ____"

"The key is to choose ____ wisely instead of being enslaved by the whims of the many."

Non-human animals
User
That should be "a good one", Supes.
Truck
User
It requires multiple people, and SuperJer not being an asshole.
Truck
User
Truck
User
That's called sleep paralysis! Some people have it all the time! Try not to be one of those people!

Also, Jay, stop watching stupid movies for silly girls.
User
Yeah... but you have to get your service from cocks... Is being Speed Cloud really worth it?
User
A lot of runs have that, you just have to skip ahead until you find the game for realsies.
Truck
User
Edan hasn't played superjer.com/forum/sah yet. This is shameful.
User
The cave story run was great. A donator asked a guy to slap the runner, and they did... really hard. Then later another donator asked the same guy to hug him to make up for the slap. So he did. And it was a long, sensual hug, that ended with a gentle kiss on the cheek. It was all so wonderful.
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i liek cholocats!
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I am glad that eDan has finally fired the requisite number of missiles at brown people, for the requisite number of years. Please, never leave us again.
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You will receive all available help.
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If it's not at least 90% as long as Harry Potter's wand I am not interested.
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FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!
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I tend to dislike movies in general, I never feel like it's possible to tell an entire story in ~2 hours. The only movies I usually like are ones that exist in conjunction with an existing on going series, so the movie doesn't have to waste half its time setting up the universe and characters.
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Aaron Wilson: I'd play starbound but I don't know what it is and I don't have any money.

Aaron Wilson: And there is a lakitu in my house throwing around spiney shells.

Aaron Wilson: WTF

Jeffrey Loynd: I wouldn't suggest you playing it now anyway since it's still in beta

Jeffrey Loynd: KILL IT

Jeffrey Loynd: NAO

Aaron Wilson: I tried, but it was able to incapacitate me... and... Jeff... ... :(

Aaron Wilson: It raped me.

Jeffrey Loynd: ;-;

Jeffrey Loynd: It's ruined

Jeffrey Loynd: Everything is ruined

Aaron Wilson: I am no longer marriageable.

Aaron Wilson: I will become a spinster... my family will disown me.

Aaron Wilson: What kind of wife would I be?

Jeffrey Loynd: One with many quirks

Aaron Wilson: Maybe some disreputable man with a little coin and a drinking problem will take me in as a mistress. I'll be abused, but at least I'll have a roof over my head.

Jeffrey Loynd: You don't have to do that to yourself

Jeffrey Loynd: I'll take care of you from now on

Aaron Wilson: You say that, but your family and mine have always had close ties. If my family abandons me, yours will surely force you to break off contact with me on pain of exile from the estate.

Aaron Wilson: You'll lose your inheritance! And your future as a knight in the order of the black rose! I could never do that to you!

Aaron Wilson: Don't let this ruin both our lives.

Jeffrey Loynd: Don't be a fool dear one! Your love is all that matters to me! To hells with the inheritance. To hells with the order and my family!

Jeffrey Loynd: If they disown me, we disown them

Aaron Wilson: And I know you truly love the young lady of house Vetienne, would you abandon her and your own happiness for my sake alone? I could not bear it, the comfort would bring me no joy, I'd rather live in a gutter chasing rats for survival than see you both taken from each other. Lady Vetienne is kind, and beautiful, and does not deserve this betrayal.

Jeffrey Loynd: Lady Vetienne is indeed kind and beautiful, she is also a decade younger than me. I cannot be happy with a child! I'm old enough to be her uncle!

Aaron Wilson: Well, you are her second cousin once removed, if recall the family tree, but I have seen you gladly share her company! Was I reading romance when there was mere friendship between you?

Jeffrey Loynd: You were, my lady

Aaron Wilson: I hear so much talk from father about a supposed marriage arranged between you, I had assumed you were already privy to it!

Jeffrey Loynd: There is an arranged marriage arranged for me? I will have to have a word with father...

Aaron Wilson: Do not approach him aggressively! This is mere hearsay, and may be banter based on mere whimsy and speculation by my father! I know of no concrete plan to wed you to lady Vetienne. He may simply be fooled as I was into believing there was love between you.

Jeffrey Loynd: I suppose I'll have to be subtle then. But you know better than anyone how bad I am at subtlety.

Aaron Wilson: And yet I find it endlessly amusing, the day you drew steel on Sir Cullen for the mere insinuation he made about your sister. I've never seen a man so ready to beg forgiveness. Woe be to the woman who finds herself his wife, he is a man fit for nothing, if a man at all.

Aaron Wilson: But this distraction has only lasted for so long! What am I to do? If you really wish to leave all your fortune and future behind, would we not be forced to flee the city, mayhap even the country? Your father would blame me, for certain, labelling me harlot and seductress... could I even live with the fear of his wrath? I know nothing of the customs outside our lands, how would we survive?

Jeffrey Loynd: We'll find a way

Jeffrey Loynd: I have friends outside the country. I will let them know we are coming. They'll be ready to ferry us away from all of this

Aaron Wilson: Oh, but I would hate to disappear in the night like some rogue... would be that there was some way to make my sisters understand! They are too young to make sense of this... I dread to think of what they will be told of me, what they will think of me! And sweet Charlotte, she cannot bear to part from my side for more than mere minutes ever since mother died... but I supposed I would be taken from her regardless, by your plan or by my exile...

Aaron Wilson: Curse that lakitu! I would gladly endure its violation a hundred times if it meant no man ever knew of it!

Jeffrey Loynd: Then we must find a way to erase the past

Jeffrey Loynd: Come

Jeffrey Loynd: We shall do it together!

Jeffrey Loynd: *Que dramatic music*

Aaron Wilson: This is making me laugh so hard I'm not sure I can continue the charade? Improv? What are we even doing?

Aaron Wilson: This needs to go down in the history books.

Jeffrey Loynd: I have no idea. How even did this happen?

Aaron Wilson: I can't believe this started with lakitu rape.

Jeffrey Loynd: I just about bust my gut. Which would have been really awkward since I'm sitting across from my boss

Jeffrey Loynd: Bwahahahaha
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:D
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:D
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I prefer to think of Guu as a capricious trickster god. There's never even the slightest explanation as to what she is, but it all makes a lot more sense that way. Anyway, things get really serious sometimes in Jungle Guu, which I think helps balance out the extreme absurdity of every single thing that happens while Guu is around. There's a lot more going on in the show than "People dicking around in the Jungle", it just takes a while for it to start happening.

Stuff like how Weda seems like a totally shiftless, drunken fool of a mother for the comedic aspect of it causing problems for Hare. And then you find out WHY she's an alcoholic, and you're like... this isn't funny anmyore...
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I guess if you don't like it, you don't like it. I still think it's pure magic, though. Especially when Weda beats up those bank robbers... still makes my heart skip a beat.
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SRAW said:
a hot mess

tl;dr

I would suggest that you watch Legend of Galactic Heroes, but nobody should ever watch that.

I know I mentioned it before, but anyone that hasn't watched Jungle Guu yet needs to get on that shit.
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Woulda been better if he didn't move after hitting the sign.
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Last time I got missionaries I made up a long string of lies about how I used to be Mormon and all the crazy stuff we Mormons got up to, and how that care-free devil-may-care lifestyle simply doesn't suit me anymore as I've matured with age.

One of them was glaring at me the entire time, because it was obviously total bullshit, but he was trained to be polite so didn't say anything. The other guy TOTALLY believed it and was shocked... just shocked.

Oh, and a long time ago, I had missionaries, and I told them that I couldn't convert because my cat hated religion and would probably run away.
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The Thrones never send me any good dreams. Fuck the Thrones.
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Mine aren't direct messages from God, they are from an awfully specific cherubim. Man, that cherubim. Recollections, am I right?
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We've got sex and death plenty covered in the subconscious realms.
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I had a dream I got shot and then I woke up because someone was literally trying to murder me.
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If you die in the dream you wake up for real!
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I had a dream last night. In it, I was a mob hitman. I was a cold-blooded killer in a highly organized mafia that had a firm grip on the city I lived in. The mafia was notoriously more powerful than the police, did not hesitate to kill anyone who crossed them... and were strangely honest, fair and straightforward about it. Essentially there were three fatally important rules: You don't rat out the mob, you don't steal from the mob, and you don't attack anyone in the mob.

I had many homicidal encounters, one notable one in which I was only supposed to shoot one woman for informing the police about our activities. I almost couldn't believe it when I was told about it, as she had supposedly called the cops after seeing a few mobsters get rough with a businessman that wasn't paying his protection money. She practically commit suicide by ratting us out, and for something the police probably wouldn't even act on!

Once at her house, I got in quick and I shot her in the back. She never saw it coming, all was well... until her husband came home right as I was leaving. Upon seeing my car in the driveway, a dead-giveaway mobster town car, he already knew his wife was dead, and he was frantically calling the police. I was all, "Ah, come on! Whaddya gotta call the cops for, that's what did your wife in! Now I gotta shoot you too! I can't believe how stupid that was! I'm standing right here! With a gun!"

So I did kill him, although it was really more of a suicide. He was, however, coming home from the grocery store, and his daughter had been collecting comestibles from their SUV. Unfortunately for both of us, she decided to steal my car while I was busy phoning my bosses about things getting more complicated. I had left the car running with the keys in the ignition for a quick get away, but it had backfired on me fiercely. Since I had the dad's keys, I jumped in the SUV to chase her down and get back my boss's car. I knew there was barely any gas in my car, because I had been stupid and forgot to fill it up, so it was only a couple of miles before I caught up to her frantically trying to refuel at a gas station. Strictly following the rules would mean I'd have to shoot her too, since she stole the car, even though she had heard me yelling that all her dad had to do was 'nothing' if he didn't want to get shot. So I started yelling at her that all she had to do was 'nothing' if she didn't want to get shot, but I also wasn't quite cold-blooded enough to shoot a kid without hesitation.

I started telling her that I was going to try to get special dispensation from the bosses to let her off the hook, when, unfortunately for all three of us, two cops came to a stop at the gas station in their cruiser. The girl, obviously in a panic, got their attention whether she wanted to or not, and I had to quickly react and shoot both of the officers as well, as this wasn't going to go down any other way that didn't get me killed or imprisoned. At this point there was enough evidence splattered around the place from all four of us bleeding for various reasons that I decided I needed to do a quick clean-up job. Luckily, someone always kept a quantity of plastic explosives in the trunk of the car, so I decided to blow up the entire gas station... I didn't actually check to see if there was an attendant present, so I may have unintentionally killed even one more person. The girl, after both trying to run away and also use her phone (like seriously, why does everyone keep giving me reasons to shoot them!?) had annoyed me enough that I decided to replace the explosives in the trunk with her sans electronic communication devices. I drove away and set off the bomb, turning the whole scene into a crater, and the bodies of the officers into seared particulates.

The headquarters was a very lavish office building with heavily armed and well dressed guards standing in plain view of the woebegone police. I dragged the now exhausted, timid, and thankfully compliant girl up to see the most important wiseguy I could find. The don was out, but the consigliere was in, and that was good enough for me. I told him how crazy the simple whack job got, and how the girl only 'temporarily' borrowed my ride, so maybe I could just... not shoot her... if that would be okay? After silently staring at me during my long tale of adventure he suddenly looked very pleased. He told me he was surprised that I took initiative all the times I should, and that I came to him about the girl. I didn't even need to beg, he demanded I let the girl go immediately. According to him, icing a kid is bad for the public image, and not worth the minuscule chance she'd get us all pinched.

At this point I had time to think about what had happened, and I realized I'd unnecessarily blown up the girl's parent's SUV along with the gas station. It was almost brand new, and I didn't want nobody calling me cheap or irresponsible, so I gave her thirty large as the approximate value of the vehicle. Mind you, in my head this was just being an honest man, and the 'recently having killed her parents' didn't even factor into it. I told the girl she better suppress her family gene for committing suicide on the mob, and also told her if she wanted to come looking for vengeance it would be nice if she waited a few years until she was an adult, so that when I whacked her it wouldn't make me look like a son of a bitch.

Later on, I had a very interesting, if not incredibly frustrating conversation with a couple wiseguys. The mob suspected an associate of being up to something, we didn't know what, but we were looking into it. The twit had been sweating and twitching like crazy the last time a capo started talking to him, and he seemed like he was trying to avoid us altogether. So the three of us had a few words with him at his place of residence. We told him to stay home, not let anybody in, and not touch the phone. It was part keeping him from going on the lam while we checked out what he'd been up to, and part to see if he'd make a run for it, giving us no reason to doubt his ambiguous treachery.

We holed up in the attic of the house across the street with a high-tech x-ray scope sniper rifle, so we could shoot him as soon as he did what we expected him to, or we got called about him being a rat... or a thief... or whatever the hell he did. Now, these two jokers were made men, they had nothing to worry about. Even if they screwed the gig up they'd get a slap on the wrist a worst... but I wasn't made yet, even as hard as I was trying, so I had a vested interest in not cocking anything up. Seeing as these two had only begrudgingly agreed to be part of something as lowly as keeping an eye on possible rat, they weren't taking it very seriously. While we should have been quiet and attentive, we instead had an incredibly insipid conversation, it went something like this:

Me: "Alright, alright, so Vinnie, you're here to shoot the rifle, and I'm here to keep an eye out for trouble, but what's he doin' here?"

Vincent: "I'm not Vinnie you goof, dats Vinnie."

Me: "You're messing with me, the boss called you Vinnie not twenty minutes ago."

Vinnie: "Nah, we call me Vinnie, we call him Vincent."

Me: "Wait, you're both Vinnie?"

Vincent: "You got it all wrong, he's Vinnie, I'm Vincent.

Me: (Pointing at Vincent) But the boss called you Vinnie, I did not get you two confused. (pointing at Vinnie) You weren't even there!"

Vincent: "Yeah, so what?"

Me: "So what? So you're Vinnie too!"

Vincent: "What, you mean I shoulda corrected the boss? Forget about it!"

Me: "Well why's he gotta send both of you on the same job? Two guys he calls Vinnie? It's like a liability or somethin', gonna get the wires crossed!"

Vinnie: "The boss didn't send me, he doesn't even know I'm here."

Me: (exasperated) "Well then let's get back on track, whaddya doin' here, Vinnie?"

Vincent: "He owed me a favor, this rat could take hours to do somethin' stupid, and given the experience so far, I'd probably end up shooting myself before I shot him if I had to shoot the shit with your stupid ass the whole time."

Me: "Hey, if I knew this gig was a plus one I woulda brought a date, not some fat asshole, nothin' personal Vinnie."

Vinnie: "Hey! You want me to whack you or somethin'?"

Vincent: "C'mon Vinnie, you are a fat asshole, give the kid a break."

Vinnie: "Ah, forget about it!"

Me: "Hey, not to dampen this mood we got goin', but I've seen our rat walk by the window like half a dozen times while you been lookin' back at me. You gonna actually keep an eye on him or should I hold the rifle?"

Vincent: "Nobody touches this beauty but me. Not yet, I haven't even given her a name yet, and she's still a virgin!"

Me: "Alright, I won't touch your lady-friend, just keep your eyes on her or she's gonna get jealous."

Vinnie: (suddenly and very disbelieving) "I wasn't payin' attention, did you say Theresa's a virgin?"

Vincent: "Nah, the rifle not my girl."

Vinnie: "Ah, I was gonna ask you why she was wailing like banshee if you weren't, you know..."

Vincent: "Shut the hell up, Vinnie."

Vinnie: "Yeah, yeah."

Me: "Come on, you were lookin' through that scope for a total of six and a half seconds before you turned around and started jabbering to Vinnie again."

Vincent: (turning back to look through the scope) "Sorry, mom."

Me: "He get away yet?"

Vincent: "Nah, he's still scurrying about like a rat in a maze. I wish he'd sit still so I could shoot him more easy. Wait, you think he knows I'm up here, that we're gonna find somethin' out?"

Vinnie: "He'd have to be a real top-notch goof not to think we're watchin' his stupid ass."

Me: "Which makes him nervous, he's just nervous, a nervous guy is gonna pace whether or not he's a canary. Just keep an eye on him or he'll fly away!"

Vincent: "Whatever."

A minute goes by with Vincent actually watching the rat.

Vinnie: "I'm glad I had two cups a coffee before you picked me up."

Vincent: "Tell me about it, I'd fall right out the window if I'd skipped my fix."

Vincent has turned around again, I am glaring rancorously to no effect.

Vinnie: "Nothin' wakes you up like a black cuppa joe."

Vincent: "Black? Whaddya wanna knock yourself back out? You gotta make it smooth and sweet, somethin' to relax the hangover."

Vinnie: "Aw, come on, that's a woman's drink, don't tell me you drink it like that."

Vincent: "With two creams and two sugars or I'll go wild."

Vinnie: "You ain't kiddin'! I can hardly believe it, you iced more marks than I can count to and you drink it like that?"

Vincent: "Whassat gotta do with it? You're the nut job, drinkin' that swill, why dontcha just chew on the beans at that rate?

Vinnie: "Rather that then grow a pair of tits drinkin' what you drink."

Vincent: "You see, he's right, you are a fat asshole!"

Vinnie: "Well, maybe your new boyfriend can take you on a date when you've dolled yourself up with your lady drink."

Vincent: "You got bigger tits than Theresa, Vinnie, you're the one drinking the wrong kinda joe."

I cut Vinnie off before he can retort.

Me: "Oh my god, stop talking about tits or coffee or whatever and watch the fucking rat."

Vincent: "Hey, this is deep, we gotta figure this out."

Me: "We're gonna be deep underground if you let him get away."

Vinnie: "Nah, just you, we're made, we'll just say you messed it up."

Me: "Oh, that's just great, why don't you just shoot me now?!"

Vinnie: "I'm pullin' your leg! We wouldn't do that. Probably. Besides, he's not goin' nowhere, he's too busy stomping a track into his kitchen floor."

Me: "That'll be great comfort when the boss has my thumbs broken."

Vincent: "Stop changing the subject, new guy, you gotta break the tie."

Vinnie: "Yeah, it's gotta be black, right?"

Me: "Man I hardly even drink coffee, I don't fuckin' know."

Vinnie & Vincent: "What?!"

Vinnie: "This guy doesn't drink coffee? Where'd you find this asshole, Vinnie?!"

Vincent: "I-"

Me: "HEY! You just called him Vinnie! I knew it!"

Vinnie: "Wha- no I- you had me confused, you don't drink coffee, the hell is wrong with you?!"

Me: "It's just a drink, don't get so worked up about it."

Vinnie: "Ah, forget about it!"

Vincent: "Yeah, we'll have to ask the don, he'll set it straight, whaddya care what this cugine thinks, anyway?"

Vinnie: "Alright, alright, but I got another question."

Me: "I'm sure you do, Vincent, the rat, the rifle, at least pretend you give a shit!"

Vincent: (Turning back around to check on the rat again) "Ah, he's still there."

Me: "You sure?"

Vincent: "No, where the hell did he go?"

Me: "What?!"

Vincent: "Haha, gotcha!"

Vinnie and Vincent have a good long guffaw.

Me: "Remind me to knock out a few of your teeth when they confirm me, wiseguy."

Vincent: "You're welcome to try, if you want a free trip to the hospital."

Vinnie: "Damn it, I said I had another question, I'm gonna forget it!"

Vincent: "Alright, what?"

Vinnie: "So, you gotta think about this. But if you had to pick one, and one to be gone foreva, coffee or tea?"

Vincent: "What kind of a stupid ass ques-"

Vinnie: "No, no, no! You gotta look at the big picture, I ain't talkin' about you and me, I'm talkin' about the whole world."

Vincent: "That's still a stupid ass question, Vinnie, Tea can take a hike, everybody drinks coffee every day!"

Vinnie: "Sure, sure, here in America, but I said the whole world, Vince, you gotta really think about it!"

Vincent: "Alright, I thought about it, and you're an idiot."

Vinnie: "You know how many people need tea like we need coffee! Fuckin' China and the Brits, that's gotta be half the world!"

Vincent: "China and England aren't half the world, Vinnie.

Vinnie: "I was givin' an example or somethin', gimmie a break. But you gotta admit, those Brits would be jumpin' off Big Ben by the millions if they lose their tea. S'why I'm sayin' you gotta really think about."

Vincent: "Where do you come up with this shit? Alright, new guy, coffee is more important than tea. Vinnie's an idiot, right?

Me: "Look, I told you I don't even drink coffee."

Vincent whips around, rifle and all.

Vincent: "You're siding with this son of a bitch?!"

Me: "Whoa! I'm not siding with nobody, I just don't give a shit, Vince, point that thing somewhere else!"

Vincent: "Nah, I'm just messin' with you again!"

Vinnie and Vincent have another hearty guffaw.

Me: "For the love of baby Jesus, could you quit yappin' and keep an eye on the rat for more than ten seconds?!"

Vincent: "Nah, it doesn't matta."

Me: "What?"

Vincent: "The boss texted me five minutes ago, he's no rat, he's just nervous."

Me: "Then what have we been doin' here?!"

Vincent: "Talkin' about coffee and tits and shit, whaddya think?"

Vinnie: "Yeah, we gotta figure this stuff out, it can't be all about whackin' a rat."

Me: "Can I go back to having a shootout with the cops? At least then I knew what the hell was going on."

Vinnie: "You had a shootout with the cops?"

Vincent: "And he blew up a gas station."

Vinnie: "That was you?!"

Me: "Yeah, no big deal, there was blood, bullets and bodies everywhere, I didn't have time to clean it the slow way, so I just made a crater out of it.

Vinnie: "Damn it, I stop at that place for coffee! Why you gotta mess things up? I oughta pop you one!"

Me: "You're not serious."

Vincent: "He's catching on, Vinnie, I think we need a new mark."

Me: "Hey, don't get me wrong, you had me those other times, most people can't pull one over on me like that."

Vincent: "I think we just got a compliment from Mr. by-the-books here, look out the window, are pigs flyin'?

Vinnie: "Nah, just canaries."

Me: "Oh, shut up."








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Molkers, don't be doubtin'. Anything is possible as long as you believe.
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Every triangle deserves a chance to be a cute triangle.
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Subjugation!




Of your post!




Get over it, Mate!
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No!
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That's not a thing you ever do. You draw ten cards and then put them in the three empty slots at the top depending if it's a pick 1, 2 or 3.

When you're the czar you wait for everyone to play, or take too long, and then hit the call it button and choose a winner.

The scoreboard on the right indicates how many cards each player currently has in play, so you know when to call it.

Awarded points can be spent on the daily designated victuals, confections and provisions, assuming the stock has not been depleted by previous players.

The world is enough to hold me to the ground, but only by my own allowance, as I am not beholden to gravity and atmosphere.
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For the lulz, I did a bodyswap with a deity of a human fortress. Deities are just underworld demons tricking people into thinking they are gods, but they are unbelievably dangerous, and similar to forgotten beasts.

This one is a skinless, three eyed bear twisted into human form that knows and intones the names of all it encounters. It has a poisonous bite, the syndrome of which causes blistering, then massive pain, then paralysis, then necrosis of the bitten area. It's extremely fun.

I strangled a dragon and broke it's neck before it managed to suffocate.

Also I carry around a slade boulder and throw it at things so I can watch them explode.

Most hilariously? My stats are described as "Superbear Devilishly Strong" and such. Because it's a Bear Devil. There's also a female Bear Devil in charge of another human civilization that I sometimes go on adventures with.
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Throwing up into an autistic woman's vagina.

Mopping up the mess with your underwear.

Relaxing and letting it roll down your leg.
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Technically it's a roguelike. You last as long as you can, and you WILL die. There is only tragedy for the dwarves.
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My axelords took on a forgotten beast composed of fire. They managed to kill it... but all of them were sprayed with some kind of toxin. Months later they all developed kidney problems, vomited all over the fortress, and died.
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He masterfully cut those trolls into *oval troll cabochons*. This object menaces with spikes of troll bone.

I'll wear your bones when you're dead!

Also, I was mistaken, the cliff is 94 z-levels high. And I just dumped a berserk horse over the edge. It blew the fuck up into as many components as you could possibly imagine.
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UPDATE: Dwarves are making figurines of Stuko the Cyclops. In them he is burning and dwarves are laughing. I love dwarves.

OH MY GOD UPDATE: I just sent my military out to chase off a goblin ambush. They succeeded marvelously. The dwarf in front, however, caught up to a goblin, beheaded him instantly, and then just stood there while everyone else ran after more goblins. I was all, WTF is this guy doing? There's goblins to kill! So I check his status, and he is thirsty, and it says he is refilling his waterskin, while standing over the decapitated goblin.'Fuck I'm thirsty. Guess I'll just fill up from this CONVENIENT GOBLIN FOUNTAIN.'

And yes, he actually has a waterskin full of goblin blood now.

BAD UPDATE: I just found out all my dwarves worship Sodel the Bridled Dung, God of Blight. WHAT IN THE FUCK. BRIDLED DUNG?! EWWWW!






























ride that dooky!
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You can trade with humans for whips, you can request them specifically from the diplomat. If you don't have a human diplomat showing up with caravans, that is a bug, and you should use the dfhack command "fixmerchants" so you have one.

Also, my current fortress is built into a completely flat cliff face that is FORTY FIVE blocks tall. I can't wait to start dumping goblins off the top. Also, I had a cyclops attack me right while a massive forest fire had accidentally started... stupid fire imps. He managed to blunder his way into my fortress, screaming in pain and with every part of his body melting. It collapsed onto a cage trap and was captured. While still on fire I had it brought to my drowning chamber, where I put it out, but not out of it's misery. It is now my prisoner, that I occasionally bash with light-weight minecarts for the lulz. One thing should be made perfectly clear. HE HAS NO SKIN. It all melted off in the fire. He is in constant severe agony, and I will never let him die.
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I don't even know how old my friends are. Some look a lot younger than me, some look a lot older than me. Really I have no idea.
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You know, SRAW, how come you're always being near Seattle, and yet you never want to hang out?
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Well, there are dwarves in some minecraft mods.
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Hey, that giant was from down south, and he was going to harvest our wheat and kill us.
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So... I was playing Dwarf Fortress...

Oh, my.

A bloodthirsty giant came to attack my fortress, and I only had one combat trained dwarf in my entire fort. So I sent Urist McBadass out to defeat the giant. Now, mind you, Urist is fully decked out in masterwork steel armor, and is wielding the finest steel battleaxe in all the land, so I was thinking he'd have a good chance if he could get in some good swings and topple the giant.

INSTEAD. Urist eliminated all thoughts of weapon use from his mind, and kicked the Giant in the shins so hard he shattered the poor bastards bones. With the giant on the ground and reeling in pain he proceeded to punch him in the guts, hemorrhaging the giant's guts and stomach and inducing uncontrollable nausea. I was hoping at this point that Urist would simply use his axe and finish the terrified and confused giant off with a coup de grace.

INSTEAD. Urist eliminated all thoughts of weapon use from his mind, and BIT THE GIANT'S LIPS OFF. Floppy giant lips still in his mouth, he systematically punched out all of the giant's teeth, leaving his mouth nothing more than a hollow gaping tube of a maw. The giant, by the way, was emitting a deluge of vomit the entire time, from the previous stomach injuries. At this point the giant finally passed out from exhaustion, and I figured Urist McTerrible would finish the ravaged and unconscious giant off with a coup de grace.

INSTEAD. Urist eliminated all thoughts of compassion from his mind, and brutally kicked and punched the giant in the head literally hundreds of times, causing fractures, bruising and minor brain damage, but not death.

Finally, the Captain of the Guard, a mostly untrained dwarf, really only filling the role as an honorary position, came upon the scene, and with a single blow of her axe, smashed the giant's skull in and killed him instantly.

I love dwarf fortress.
User
Nezumi had a hallway lined with literally hundreds of glass serrated discs, which would get all gummed up with goblin viscera every time there was an invasion.

The best part was when a kitten fell asleep in the middle of the hallway, and accidentally triggered about 20 glass sawblades. The parts of the kitten shot down the hallway and triggered the rest of the sawblades in a cascade that liquefied the poor kitty and sprayed a feline blood mist out both ends, covering and horrifying a few dwarves.
User
I'd appreciate a little more care for the pikmin. They have rights, you know.
User
I'm just imagining the use of a coffin as an atlatl...
User
What?
User
I too have an attention span!
User


I am cooler than you!
User
I'll play any new moba that requires skill shots. I can't go back to combat that puts no emphasis on twitch skills. There is no satisfaction in getting kills in dota/hon anymore, because I don't feel like I actually did anything other than compare my stats to those of the enemy.

There ain't no comin' back from Smite, y'all hear?
User
SRAW said:
I cant beleive you still play that shitty game, esepcailly now that dota 2 is oficially out of beta


Some day, when you realize how much you suck, you will fucking kill yourself and carve "Smite Rules" into your dead skull.

Smite is literally the only game in the universe. If you are playing something else it is not actually a game and you're doing it wrong and your opinion is wrong.
Truck
User
I had a dream when I was 6 about murdering a woman on a boat. I think I might be a psychopath...
User
Smite you stupid motherfuckers.
Truck
User
Is it a bio terminator?
User
It's the one in Florida. Go fuck yourself in Florida.
User
I just weep in a basement from my neurological disorders. I can't even get up most of the time. You've got me beat.
User
Honestly, things have only gotten better here. SRAW is becoming a much more subtle troll, Down Rodeo seems more brilliant with every post he makes, and Molkers is still just about the most adorable darn internet game makey guy there ever was.

There's other people as well, but you should avoid them, because they're bad seeds.
User
Well, maybe it was a bit weird. But it's really all the same.
User
It's actually annoying how predictable it is that everything will go wrong. I find myself completely without surprise every time someone is 'suddenly' killed.

Oh, look, a couple in a happy relationship? One of them will die in the next few episodes.
User
Fuck you, that's where!
User
I wept four times.
Truck
User
Not gay enough.
Truck
User
Kinda like your mom.
Truck
User
I get that same feeling with your mom.
Truck
User
I'm proud of you.
Truck
User
What's tumblr?
User
That Donovan doesn't seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation. He's kinda just all, "Nah, dog, I can take this melodramatic punk ass."
Truck
User
No, dog, I can finally do it! This guy is a life saver.
User
Earth to Mars: Gimmie some pork chops, baby, and a large order of fries!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=JDlTS-mlJAA#t=40s
User
Shut up, fag.
User
Oh, I totally agree with you. You experiment, and as a result disprove things unintentionally, and then believe simplest answer that remains until you end up unintentionally disproving it as well. Theories don't need to be proven, they need to be practical. It doesn't matter if it's 'actually wrong' if you can build a machine using it that does what you want it to do.
User
Sarcasm
aaronjer said:
No way, man. Setting out to prove theories is a great idea. Just observing and changing your theory accordingly is for nerds.

/Sarcasm

Also, I feel like there might be a connection between the irritatingly low maximum speed of light and the non-zero base temperature of the universe. I dream of the possibility that there is some undetected medium (the cause of slight temperature increase) through which light travels as a wave (when it feels like it) and that it could be manipulated to alter the speed of light.
User
Down Rodeo said:
AAAAAAARRGHHH that is a horrid sentence, pls no


No way, man. Setting out to prove theories is a great idea. Just observing and changing your theory accordingly is for nerds.
User
My favorite way to look at quantum mechanics is as thus:

"Quantum mechanics contains a set of scientific observations that so often defy logical or rational explanation that they are, at least for now, indistinguishable from magic."

Basically, trying to make sense of it is pointless until we make cooler science machines. It would be like cavemen trying to figure out atomic structure, no matter how hard they try they lack the tools.

One of my favorite unexplained universal properties? The base temperature of the universe is not zero. This is without background radiation or anything like that, with absolutely nothing we can detect present, it is still not zero. Which probably just means there's something there and we just can't detect it... whatever it is.

There's some debate about what the actual base temperature is... but the most enjoyable thing about it is that getting things below that temperature breaks physics completely, and the most demented shit starts happening. Like the apparent effect of gravity and solidity of objects just kinda turning off. Shit starts passing through shit and floating around. It's pretty fun. Electrical resistance also seems to not exist at those temperatures, so it's incredibly useful and somewhat explainable, and not just silly (but fun) like quantum stuff usually is.
Truck
User
Dutch angle Ash sure is mired in whimsy!
User
Bioware really surprises me. They put far more effort into character development than any other developer I've seen. Character's personalities are distinct, not too clichéd, and very memorable. No other game has me itching for the next 'random party dialogue' like Bioware manages. And at the same time they have the most blatantly 'because games' and 'wish fulfillment' romance I have ever experienced.

Their new trend of every character being bisexual or at the very least main-character-sexual offends me terribly on a storytelling level. When you know every character is potentially interested in you romantically, you feel like the center of the universe, and the word is no longer believable. The romance is a constant reminder that you are playing a game, and that the world is not real. For me, anyway, it destroys any sense of immersion. On top of all that, it's boring. Everything going like clockwork and there being no need to discover a character's interests and sexual preference to see if they are a good match for you is just plain boring. It means you inevitably just pick which one you think is hottest, which is offensively immature and basic for a game world with characters that are otherwise very complex. There are worse relationships in games, I am well aware, but they stand out so much more in Bioware games.

As far as 'because games' is concerned, I really hate how the majority of relationships develop in, for example, Dragon Age. There are three things that cause your love interest to become more enamored with you:

1. Shiny Gifts - This should be part of a relationship, but a very minor part. You can practically win someone's love through presents alone.

2. Saying just the right things in deeply profound conversations - This is also totally fine to have as something that makes someone happy with you. It's just that the characters never develop interest through casual conversation or simply having fun. Your character seems to deeply empathize and understand your romantic target when you say the right things, and yet there is never any sign your characters share any similar interests? Very strange. Most people go their whole lives never saying anything deeply profound, and they still find love...

The most annoying part about this is that the characters HAVE believable casual conversations, the exact sort that would really tell you if someone was right for you, except they happen randomly while you're wandering the world and the main character is NEVER INVOLVED! How the hell did they fuck that up?! They had all the correct dialogue, and the WRONG PEOPLE SAYING IT! If you've played Dragon Age, or Mass Effect, I'm sure you've noticed the main character is strangely silent during the random banter sections? It makes them seem very distant from all the other characters, including the one you're supposedly in love with.

3. Doing their sidequest - This isn't a problem except that it is REQUIRED for them to have sex with you. It's extremely 'because games'. It takes you totally out of the relationship and makes you think of it as a quest for poontang. Like, you're bribing them for sex by killing somebody for them. As I've said, that's not love, that's a business deal. The love interest is acting like a prostitute, or at least very like manipulative fiend. Real people have sex with each other because they like each other. That is ALL that it takes. If somebody refuses to have sex with you until you complete a task for them, that means they do not love you.

Morrigan is the only example that does not have this problem, and she is explicitly not in love with the main character when they have sex. She was by far the most believable and interesting romantic interest in a Bioware game, as there were no blatantly 'because games' requirements for the relationship to function. I still didn't really get into it, though, as I first liked the whole "Now that she realizes she's in love with you, she no longer wants to be intimate, as she believes love is weakness" aspect, until I remembered that no human has ever thought like that in the history of ever. Still liked it the best though.

Make a comparison to movie or book characters, and really think about it. Bioware game characters act like villains in romance. If they were in a movie, their manipulative attitude about sex would be considered reprehensible and self-serving.
User
Well, I still love you. In fact, I don't know what I would do without you.

There's a lot of planned gameplay depth, but not to the intentionally inscrutable levels of Dwarf Fortress. Still some inscrutability, to be sure, just... nothing like that. More depth is focused in the storytelling and character aspects, I hope, than any other game. Which, sadly, isn't saying much.
Truck
User
There ya go, good buddy!
User
Nah, dog, it ain't no rogue like. There's a definite story progression and concrete plot. Also it's not ASCII. It has unfortunately seen little progress in the last month, what with my broken dominant hand... but only another week for the cast to come off!
User
This is an in progress document about Dead Kings. I just need it some place that people can read it without me google doc sharing it to them.
User
What makes Dead Kings special?
*by special I mean different and unusual, not inherently better, you’ll likely hate at least one of these things.

Strongly averts “because games” logic

The term “because games” is one I have coined myself for the purpose of describing something that gamers have come to expect from games, but that a non-gamer would likely find incredibly nonsensical. These bits of nonsense almost always occur as a result of technological limitations that became traditional and stayed in use even after the technology would support a different or better system. Sometimes simple lack of innovation or laziness results in an example of “because games”.

The worst examples I can give of “because games” logic are about encouraging otherwise needless murder. The first is the apparent soul-stealing property of most heroes in RPGs. I am aware that there are systems that function differently, but the typical method of gaining experience is to kill your enemy. This may seem normal to you, but that is only because you have become accustomed to it. This can actually be somewhat disturbing when analyzed closely. In Dead Kings you must only defeat and not necessarily kill an enemy to gain experience. If they surrendered or retreated, you still gain just as much experience as you would for slaying them. Many games encourage the player to massacre surrendering or retreating enemies, or encourage the player to murder those who are attacking them due to mistaken identity, just to steal a few more souls and level up!

Some games don’t even give the player the option of resolving a situation peacefully, some Ultima games, for example, give the player no method of progression besides cutting down helpless children! The player is meant to be a hero in those stories, not a bloodthirsty murderer of children! It’s not even played as dark humor, it just sort of... happens... like Richard Garriott had no idea how disturbing it was!

The final example is a relatively unheard of game, Temple of Elemental Evil. During the adventure the players come across a brothel. In the brothel the madam informs the player that a new whore refuses to have sex with anyone. The player can offer to see if he can change her mind or ‘break her in’... I know, not an option you expect in the game. I was very surprised at this, as games at the time were far too politically correct to even imply sex, much less rape! I was very exhilarated to see what possible choices could come out of this (for storytelling purposes, the tiny sprites were not going to offer much eroticism, I assure you!), as players were able to be good or evil in the story. It turns out in the dialogue the player has three options with the unfortunate prostitute. They can either leave her alone, free her and take her with them, or supposedly attempt to rape her. If the player attempts to rape her, she screams something along the lines of “over my dead body!” and combat commences. The player then only has the option to strike her down. The heavily armored, up to six very powerful warriors, against a small, naked girl with a knife that she could never even hope to injure them with. She started combat, so she must die! I could have excused the game having even evil players not follow through with sexual assault, and possibly just smack her down and tell her to shut up... but killing her? That goes entirely against the plan to make her into a profitable prostitute! That is the epitome of “because games”, and was the impetus for me to wish to make a game that never forces the player to murder someone when the characters clearly have no motive to do so. The game will never directly tell you not to, but killing people unnecessarily will certainly have consequences in Dead Kings!

In summary, people never even question the bizarre traditions in gameplay, and in many ways they shall be very surprised when their expectations are not met in Dead Kings!

Writers uninfluenced by political correctness
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for these ideals in real life, games do this because they are trying to appeal to more audiences. But do not be deceived, it is not done out of a desire to make a better story, it is done at the expense of story to make more money. Attempting to please all audiences neuters believability, and some enjoyment for everyone is lost in the process.

These editorial mandates are exhibited in many place, including:

-Normal women arbitrarily being as strong and combat capable as men.
-Equal treatment for sexes, races and sexual preferences.
-Invincible or complete lack of children, so that children cannot be harmed.
-Severely limited options for evil player and non-player characters.
-Evil characters are usually limited to insults, stealing and murder.
-Evil characters are never, ever sexually depraved. It’s okay to murder someone, but rape them?! Heavens, we’re evil, not monsters!

Now, this doesn’t mean that everyone in Dead Kings is an immoral, prejudiced, child raping monster. Just that those things are allowed to exist in Dead Kings. These things all exist without issue in movies, so why not games?

Gameplay uninfluenced by genre expectations

The active gameplay is well established to be recognizable as tactical RPG combat. Except when it’s not. Large scale strategy and even 4X elements are present in the design. On top of that, there are Raising Sim mechanics influenced mostly by Princess Maker titles for if and when the player decides to procreate.

Fantasy world that does not arbitrarily ignore the inequalities of a medieval setting

Nobles are not noble!
Nobles act like real-life nobles. At best they are careless and hedonistic, more often they are heartless predators, abusing the weak for profit or pleasure. This is not because the setting is meant to be ‘dark fantasy’, but because that’s how nobles actually act.

People who attempt to seize or hold onto great power are without exception challenged in their morality. Popular opinion is that there have been many remarkable leaders throughout history; those such as Catherine the Great and Alexander the Great are very well regarded. History would have you replace the word “Great” with “Inhuman Abomination”. Both were arrogant elitists, pointlessly cruel, murderous and utterly irredeemable. Accounts of their lives are marred with the enslavement of countless people and the massacre of any who resisted. They are no better than those the world despises, such as Hitler or Stalin, and yet are renowned as though they have any worth.

Some may argue that there are benevolent kings and queens in history, Elizabeth I of England, for example, but even she has moments of inexcusable evil. Even the theoretical ‘benevolent autocrat’ is still a man or woman controlling the lives of people that he or she has no right to interfere with. Essentially, if they were truly a good person, they would use their power to abolish nobility and replace it with an elected government. The only good kings are the last kings, or those who refused a crown. The point is that nobles in Dead Kings are assholes, because they’re nobles.

The characters in the Dead Kings world are realistically depicted for their classes. The hero of the story may have some moral flexibility in the choices the player may take, but in the end, anyone who wants to control others is of deeply flawed character, and unfortunately he is determined to be king.

A woman holding a sword? Ludicrous!
Women are incapable of complex thought or understanding. They are weak of body and will, and of no use in violent conflict. They are commodities to be traded, and objects to be used for pleasure and progeny. Their word holds no value in court or otherwise, as trust is deserved only by those worthy of respect, and everyone knows only men can be respectable.

This is the average opinion you will find regarding women in Dead Kings, as it is the sort of opinion one finds in a medieval world. It is shared even by the women, even if it upsets them, as they have been subjugated of all authority since birth. Fantasy game worlds inevitably treat men and women very equally, progressive even by modern standards, without even mentioning how unusual it is. I have no problem with an idealized world where women are treated with the respect they deserve, but it has become the norm in fantasy, even clichéd in how expected it is. In fact, I cannot think of any fantasy world, game or otherwise, that depicts the treatment of women with a medieval standard.

Horses and Servants
There is a confusing trend to show rich and noble knights travelling the lands and going on adventure without any of their servants or so much as a horse! A few recent games have remedied the cavalry deficiency, but none have contained a proper retinue of attendants and servants. Even merchants do not travel on foot, and they do not travel alone! In addition to the potential six main party members, the player will eventually obtain a following of dozens of cooks, laborers, squires and soldiers. Menial tasks that would otherwise be performed as tedious fetch quests, or the hauling and management of inventory, will be handled by peasants and retainers. Nobles do not collect twenty mushrooms from a festering swamp to appease a strangely entitled commoner, in fact, the mere suggestion of such a request may offend a noble and put the commoner in a dangerous situation! Why should an affluent noble leave behind heavy loot, or mine and carry loads of valuable ore when he could pay a meagre sum to a few desperate serfs to do it for him? This is also very much a “because games” problem, and was remedied by a much needed dose of common sense.

Balance does not create a rift between plot and combat

During cutscenes characters will not use abilities, magic or otherwise do things that they are not capable of in active gameplay.

This is so brand new an idea to games that you may not even realize the problem exists. This ties into averting “because games”, but I feel it deserves a special mention. It is less a subconscious tradition resulting from technological limitations, and more purely thoughtless writing and design.

Relationships and romance do not pander to “wish fulfillment

I would describe player driven romances in games to be on the intelligence and maturity level of Mary Sue fan fiction at best. Real romantic relationships are not fueled by giving the correct set of shiny objects to someone, and then completing a side quest. That's not romance, that's a business deal, and shows the kind of emotional understanding seen only in a true basement dweller!

"Oh, I heard she likes cakes! I'll just keep giving her cakes until she'll let me have sex with her! THAT'S HOW IT WORKS, RIGHT?!"

When people are romantically attracted to each other, they give each other presents as a result of an established connection. They have to already like each other for that to happen. Repeatedly giving gifts to someone who has not shown any sign of interest, as games portray love, is a sign of being an obsessive stalker. Games do not understand this very basic interaction. Sharing an emotional bond that may lead to amorous activity in Dead Kings will require that the characters involved share interests, ideals and adventures. They do not need to perform side quests for each other, they must simply do anything at all as long as they do it together. I have found in my life that attempting to 'win a girl over' is a mostly fruitless endeavor, and that it is much easier to find a girl that actually likes me. This experience, which writers for other games have shown no sign of, is used to form the progression of romance in the story.
User
I assure you, SRAW, there is no advantage to spraying and praying. My right hand is broken, so precise control is impossible, and my only option is to spray and pray or use a shotgun. After hitting absolutely fuck all for 10 rounds, I started shotgunning and was able to kill people just fine. Spray and pray didn't even work slightly. I hit nothing. Not even the walls.
User
That's some pretty gay shit!

[User was banned for this post]
Truck
User
Sounds like your mom.
User
His running special attack is insanely op when you get accurate with it. Also, cancelling is normal combo at the uppercut and following up with a forward, forward attack is stupid good. His back attack is pretty awesome too, one of the few that is any good.

My favorite character to play so far is Elle, she's really weird to play but so much fun! Her normal combo is GOD AWFUL and only serves as a quick way to hit something so you can get away or cancel into something better. Her throws are meh as well. Her standing special is also very meh. But her moving special is amazing, and her forward forward attacks are great. However... the key for your enemies is to NEVER let you have a weapon. She goes absolutely sickhouse with a knife or sword, no other character comes close. Don't give that bitch a blade if you like your blood where it is.

Shiva, however, is clearly the strongest character. My god that game is easy as Shiva.

Rudra is boring, by the way, don't waste the points until you have little else to unlock.
User
You can set BK3 skate to play like SOR2 skate in the options. Pause Delay in Miscellaneous can be set to override BK3 style attacks. Also you can unlock all legacy versions of characters with less points that you make in one playthrough.
User
I have only one or three thing(s) to say. Streets of Rage Remake. Download it. Play it.
User
NatureJay said:
Magma is one possible solution to the problem of bronze colossi, but really what I wanted to do, for no reason other than to see what happened, was to send a horde of legendary warriors after it just to see what the results would be. I didn't expect that they'd tear its shit apart; I heard that the best way of going after them was crossbows and lashers and I only had maybe three high-level crossbowdwarfs and two legendary lashers. Everything else was done with fist, spear, submachinegun.


Fixed
User
Mostly. Doesn't effect the body parts of fire imps or dragons and such, though.
User
Google docs is pretty much the best thing.
User
I opine that this song is more awesome with the boss fight actually happening anyway. Just ignore the text, as there is an easter egg mode activated making it say stupid shit.

Sick vid


Probably the most fun boss fight I've played in years.

Also, Heroes 3 music is awesome. Love the barbarian town track.
User
You still can't ever go outside, though. There will always be necromancers you haven't found, they lurk and do not approach the fortress. As soon as something dies the onslaught begins anew. They also get random reinforcements of undead sentient creatures every few months, so there's no way to make outdoors safe enough to embark into even with your military.
User
Trust me, it's hopeless. I tested it extensively. The only way to survive near a tower is to seal off the surface completely. If there was any way at all to kill or even find the necromancers it might be possible to survive... but alas... they are invisible.
User
Necromancers are guaranteed death for any fortress. They are completely unstoppable, and building a fortress with access to the surface in range of a necromancer tower is the same thing as abandoning the fortress.

They're not so bad in adventure mode, though. You can usually throw enough bodies at the undead to keep them busy for long enough to assassinate the necromancers.
User
Actually you usually lose in a few minutes.
User
BF2? Ho.... Homo? Why play old game for homo?
User
Pulling into loops of fantasy resulting in tragedy...
Truck
User
Now make the buddha.
Truck
User
Hlerdit edshamaaaaaal!
User
Slugs don't have feathers.
User
Well, we do spend a lot of time with Kelli, and regardless of the many years that have passed, she is still clearly 14.
User
I don't think you need to know a teenage girl to know what their social website page looks like. Common enough it is seen in various forms of media. Also we have a lot of cousins that are much younger than us, so that'd be plausible. Not that he uses myspace or facebook anyway...
User
Probably from having seen a teenage girl's myspace at some point.
User
The problem is the lack of windows. Windows should have windows, or they should call it Fullscreens so we know not to buy it.
User
Well, that is extremely hilarious, but my right hand is broken so I can't play it very well. I'll come back in a couple months.
User
SJ is working on another map called substation, he's not working on contra. I highly doubt he'd mind if you made a GO contra.
User
That sloth looks like a robit.
User
You hardly need trade after the first year. You could always just design lava to dispose of them as soon as they show up.
Truck
User
Well, I disagree with your choices in life and now I will shun you.

...

...

Is it working? Are you ostracized?
Truck
User
Molkers has a point. Messing around with filters =/= drawing...
User
People with more than two extremities.
Truck
User
SRAW said:
Outcast said:
My cocks, when lined up with the picture on the screen, are exactly the same size



That would be dependent on how large someone's screen was. From my perspective he could kill an enraged lion with that thing.
User
I'll let you choose your own assortment and positive and negative responses for those questions. Let's see how you do!
User
Personally my favorite war injuries are brain damage to horses. We all know how that turned out for me.
User
I drive a GMC Sonoma, and my favorite mod I've done is fill the extended cab with food wrappers.
User
Goblin Maceman cancels remove gloves: hands sailing off in an arc.
User
I'm guessing he died as the dwarf must have chewed through his head to get there.
User
I like polls.
User
WELL FINE THEN DON'T RESPOND ANGRILY WHEN I TROLL YOU WHATEVER. SRAW is a better troll than me...
User
I'm a po' ass bitch, ZJams, there's nary an opportunity for me to ingest Carlitoxins with you.
User
I want to play that game but I lack the PSP. I shan't easily acquire one with my pay so meager.
User
I don't give a flying fuck what anyone did to make a piece of music, I just care about what it sounds like in the end. So I personally believe that Molkman has a big dumb head with a poop on it.

Not that I watched that video, or any video on here ever.
User
Thank you for showing us an amateur map in an ancient game. I am so thrilled right now.
User
SJ now longer has a physical form, he can't.
User
Looks like a pretty boring ass piece of whatever the fuck. Thanks for sharing.
User
I didn't play Skyrim all weekend! Are you proud of me?! Also, using equip armor on monks gives them an obscene amount of hitpoints.
User
Call her your Super Special Lady Buddy.
User
Hmmm, news from Iran. Probably legit.
User
Good stuff, but the only part that exceeded the original was the becoming a ghost ending, which was totally hilarious.
User
So now it's a monstrous Horselizard? Does it become stronger or weaker when it changes...?
Truck
User
Even my 2nd post that was only peripherally about Smite wasn't good enough. If you don't sing the praises of Smite in all posts you're doing it wrong. I'm ashamed of my previous post. I will flagellate myself according to the handbook.

Rockbomb has also had his negative points removed for showing faith to the one true mober.
Truck
User
Because nobody else did, and it is just a direct copy of DotA with better net code and lobby management. So it's also for homos.
Truck
User
LoL and DotA 1 or 2 are all for tools. All the cool people play Smite, the one that requires more skill. You can go ahead and play all of these stupid games for silly girls... but be warned your genitals will atrophy and you will grow mammaries.
User
I like that part where the weird shit happens.
User
I do hope you're prepared to explain to me why you chose a map in which you do not need to pump that mister.

Hold on. Impending goals? So they aren't goals yet? What does that even mean?
User
At least it isn't a rendition of a picture of a statue of a cheese.
User
Make sure to have fun!
User
I say you take a chance and do what's right by listening to you heart and going with your feelings.
User
No, I didn't leave out a comma on accident. It is, however, an honorific.
User
Well just have everyone set up to pump all the time and there will always be somebody pumpin' that mister.
User
Just have a mister that washes the contaminants off the dwarves at a popular, public area like the entrance to the dining hall. Really, really dangerous contaminants that kill a dwarf almost immediately won't be fixed by that, but there's isn't really any way to deal with that at all.
User
Contaminants, man. They spread. Anything that touches that creatures blood or other bodily fluids will probably die. Set up a mister so that it gets cleaned off.
Truck
User
I only get confused when he becomes VeerJay and takes the truck entirely off course.
User
It sounds like you're playing dwarf fortress!
User
He's right, you know. Shit's gay, whatever it is.
Truck
User
I was gonna change your name but then I got high.
Truck
User
I'm considering changing it but I'm SO LAZY.
Truck
User
It's bad.
User
GMOS ARE KILLING OUR KIDS
Truck
User
The way I see it, if what someone says can be interpreted correctly then it is a correct way of saying something.
User
Why do you even bother making a new account when I don't even need to check the IPs to know you're SRAW.
Truck
User
I dunno, it's pretty funny. I think I might make RB an admin for this.
User
So... very... old anime style. WHAT IN THE.
User
WTF RB quit saying gay shit oh my god.
Truck
User
What is this... I don't even...
User
wat
User
I don't get it.
User
Quit watching videos and work on Dead Kings.
Truck
User
I don't ever have that problem, if you're still in low level games that happens. Once you hit level 6 you are in the non-noob pool and that isnt really a thing anymore.

I'm AaronJer in game.
Truck
User
The launcher is the most beta part of the title. It's bizarrely unfinished and unstable given how there's nothing wrong once you get into the game.
Truck
User
Shit be sent yo.
User
WTF.
Truck
User
I sent a key to that apparently fake Rocky B address a while ago.
Truck
User
I know it's a little weird, but I skype with Carson pretty much erre day.
Truck
User
I sent an email, did I send it to you? Maybe.
Truck
User
Except that not all mobas are at all an RTS, since Smite has no RTS aspects at all. Anybody that wants a Smite key can just tell me what their email is. If you don't want to post your email here emailing me is fine. If you can't figure out what my email is you're a fucking idiot.
Truck
User
I don't like the name MOBA either, it's so generic it doesn't even make any sense... like what online game ISN'T that? But alas, that is what they are called, so get over it. Lots of things have stupid names. At least in the case of Smite a lot of people refuse to call it a MOBA because its too different.

Also, how much does your laptop suck? Because so far I haven't found a computer shitty enough to not run Smite, it has very low requirements.
Truck
User
Cool story, bro!
Truck
User
Uh... no. Because it doesn't play at all like any RPG? I don't care if LoL invented it, Smite even takes a lot of things from LoL, but it doesn't MATTER. Because SKILLSHOTS. So it's better than dota by INFINITY. Trust me, as a counterstrike player, you will fucking own and fucking love it.
Truck
User
If an enemy is visible to your team you can see their info from any distance. And we can't just keep calling every DotA DotA. It needs an actual name, and moba is what got popular so what the fuck ever.
Truck
User
It's closed but I can send you a key if you want. DotA, HoN and LoL are equally garbage in comparison to Smite. It is now the only moba.

There is no auto-targeting. Everything is a skillshot. The view mode means you can sneak up on people. It is glorious.
Truck
User
But that isn't Smite. So what's the point?
Truck
User
If you don't want to play Smite you are NOTHING TO ME.
User
Two trains docking. Wow. I mean, only whoever is in front on each gets to, but I like this plan.
Truck
User
You know you can just plug any USB keyboard into your Xbox, right?
Truck
User
But then if something goes wrong you can't fix it. You can't mod it. You can't use whatever game pad you want. Also it'll run worse unless your hardware is truly ancient.
Truck
User
Just make a 100 minute long video of you teabagging a zombie and it'll probably be as interesting as most youtube videos.

Okay, my favorite part was the "no no no no no" guy following them around.
Truck
User
Cool story, bro.
User
We haven't seen boobs in so long we can't even remember what they look like. It's all your fault.
User
Where does one learn to recover from being fishtailed?
User
I can vouch for this. I was there. It was a laugh riot. It went on WAY longer than this video.
User
And I just keep getting better... for some reason. I swear I'm not doing it on purpose. And don't think I'm not doing these without references (most of the time). I'm staring at a picture half the time I'm drawing it.

And I'm still at Jobby McNewJob. And it's an awesome job and it gives me exactly 0 stress and I'm always happy to go to work because it's fun. Also I'm poor because it's the slow season and the hours are homosexual.

We should hang out. This weekened? There will be little chance for a while after that.
User
I did this again.



User
YOU CAN'T PIN THIS ONE ON ME!

But seriously, I've never had any input on SJ's music.
Truck
User
And even if I did like I'd still tell you that it and you suck.
User
SRAW said:
umm, aaronjer, aren't you the same guy who partook in making those so-called experimental songs with superjer that all sound the same?


Uh... I had nothing to do with those.
Truck
User
I'm not even going to attempt to watch it. That's how much I don't like it.
Truck
User
The man has a point.
User
I am unable to distinguish it from most other 70's music. I always thought it was just one band that made all of it.
Truck
User
Sorry, D3 hasn't ungayed. Still can't play it.
Truck
User
I don't get the connection. But I have been standing uncomfortably close to teenage girls a lot lately!
Truck
User
It's not okay to have fun doing things I don't like.
Truck
User
Hey, here's a thought: Stop playing stupid games for silly girls.
User
That was a poorly made but awesome game.
Truck
User
We still play from time to time. Usually peaking around LANs and then trailing off until the next one. I'll whitelist the SHIT out of you SO HARD. Activity will probably pick up around July 4th.

Don't break stuff or we'll hate you.
User
Well, it's basically Relly's only post. Let's get serious.
Truck
User
FEDEX HAVE YOU BEEN HANGING OUT WITH MOLLY I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER SHE'S A BAD SEED
User
Mate de Vita said:
What... the... fuck.

User
buq25 said:
you seem to be mostly certain that games made earlier in the series are better.

For an example, I like Team Fortress 2 and you AJ know that it's shit because you've played the original Team Fortress.


I don't know what tribes is so all I can respond to is that ^

I've never mentioned any TF older than TF2 other than TFC so I can only assume he's talking about TFC.
User
buq25 said:
aaronjer said:
WTF IS TRIBES.

I do believe you're joking. If you're not, it's a game. Which you play. Watch the video I wrote about.

I said that you'd probably know about it is because Tribes Ascend is not the first game in the Tribes serie and you seem to be mostly certain that games made earlier in the series are better.

For an example, I like Team Fortress 2 and you AJ know that it's shit because you've played the original Team Fortress.


WTF are you talking about. TFC is not the earliest TF game. Earlier TF games are much worse than it. On top of that TF2 isn't even a TF game at all, it just has the words Team Fortress in it, which is not enough to make it part of the same series. You will notice when comparing all TF games that they are extremely similar, TF2 is way too different to be a TF game. And I don't have any problem with TF2 in itself, my problem is that it killed and buried the TF genre. It's gone. Now we have TF2 instead. It pisses me off. And even then FF is almost exactly the same age as TF2 and is better than either TF2 or TFC.
User
FUCK.
User
THE.
User
WHAT.
User
WTF IS TRIBES.
User
I don't even know what Tribes is.
User
Yeah, but, the sentiment is the same.
User
I'm gonna say SRAW's line before he can:

"NO ONE CARES."
Truck
User
I won't. Diablo 3 is... how shall I put this... GAY.
Truck
User
I used to play Minecraft when it was fun... then SJ made some really annoying guy be in charge of his server and I no longer want to play.
User
I think the fact that you never see a single woman in the empire doesn't mean much, as there our military never putting women on the front lines has nothing to do with sexism. It's just that men get really stupid when they think women are in danger, and women aren't useful enough to make up for that.

The aliens are a different story, though. We clearly see that there are TONS of aliens all over the place, and yet it is made very clear that the empire's military is made up entirely of humans. Just because you can't see what storm troopers look like doesn't mean it isn't meant to be assumed they are human. Given that using aliens in a sci-fi movie as the bad guys does a lot to make them seem more menacing, the fact that no aliens are ever shown with an empire uniform says quite a bit.

The funny thing is that the vast majority of rebel soldiers are also human, but that is probably due to budget constraints. There's never any dialogue indicating that humans are vastly more common than any sort of alien... although if the empire was killing a lot of aliens that would explain why.

Also the original movies don't display any sort of slavery theme about droids as far as I can see. It's pretty clear that people don't think droids are people, and that they really aren't people. If a slavery theme was supposed to be present somebody at SOME point would say something about the oppression of droids. It just doesn't happen. Droids aren't people and they don't care that they are being used for labor because that's how they were built. Whenever a droid does something unusual, like R2-D2 wandering off into the desert, it's because he was programmed to do it.

Even as a kid I never saw the different colored lasers as anything other than a method the movie makers were using to identify who is shooting. The only reason blaster rifles aren't green is because rebels use them too.
User
I always viewed it as "Grand Moff outranks Darth." I didn't know what the titles meant specifically, but the implication was that Tarkin was only one rank below the emperor himself. It's actually kind of strange that the emperor himself wasn't captain of the Death Star... like... what did he have to do that was more important than that?
User
It displays isometric graphics without totally fucking up like a tard as of yesterday.
Truck
User
I actually enjoyed your complete lack of priority and the extremely mundane spirit world. It's not like it wasn't worth the read!


Outcast said:
I once had a dream where i raped a girl.


Just once...? I have instances that are sexually dubious in almost every dream, I just don't usually mention them unless they are funny in some way. Just last night there was a woman that had been cut down half her right leg and she was bleeding everywhere, I was successfully staunching the wound but at the same time had constantly wandering hands. She was most unimpressed.
Truck
User
Jay, stop having stupid dreams for girls.
User


Here's a bunch of sprites! Azmagelle appears to be done.

If you consider that I have to do this about 100 times then it seems like a lot more sprites.
User
Look! More sprites and animations I'm working on! Fia being dead, Dead King Gyllioc murdering an elf, Gyllioc being dead, and my personal favorite, Gyllioc sexually assaulting Fia.



Obviously the detailing on the sprites isn't done yet, but I like to do entire pages of that at once to make sure I do it all the same way. It's amazing how different something looks when you use the wrong brush pressure.

I should also mention that I finally figured out the approximate number of frames any character needs for general purpose and combat. 58! A number! Hooray!
User
For someone who has made so many games you'd think he'd have found a real artist by now. The screen shots are all blatantly programmer art.
User
MEIN AUGEN! I deliberately avoid referencing previous sprite sets as well to make sure they don't look too homogeneous.

cloud_the_system said:
her boobs are reali pointy

They are like 4 pixels what do you want.
User
HAY LOOK SOME SPRITES IM NOT FINISHED WITH YET

User
I haven't done any more portraits but I have done world art. If only there were shadows... and if only things were drawn in the correct order.



There will be tiles to make edges look better when I'm done, worry not.
User
Dragon Warrior 4 was the first RPG I played that I actually thought was good. It only can't hold up today because of the woeful interaction menu.
User
It's rare that I declare something ridiculous and it becomes a video within mere minutes.
User
I often genuflect for birds.
User
Well, I do give them food... but then they commonly just hang out on me somewhere from anywhere between 5 seconds to two minutes. I've had one roost on my head before. That was truly glorious. I'm on top of Tiger Mountain so often they see me as a fairly permanent fixture now and that my arrival means tasty snacks.
User
I don't think you understand how fat SJ is.
User
HE CAN HAVE MY FOOD BECAUSE I AM SO FAT! But seriously I'm not fat, SJ is the fat one. I'm as fit as fit can be.
User




Birds love me, man. I mean seriously don't even try this shit yourself, you have to be super holy for God to make this happen. I mean cherubs be up in here following me around with stoups of holy water just in case I get a sick biznasty thirst that needs righteous quenching. What do you mean you don't know what a stoup is go read a book (LIKE THE BIBLE) and learn to be more knowledgeable about sacramental shit, dog
Truck
User
I'll alter your name as soon as I can think of a suitable way to mess it up.
User
Obama has more than one dad?!
User
GJ's cat?
User
HAHA BOOBS ARE FUNNY
Truck
User
sprinkles said:
aaronjer said:
THERE IS NO ONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE

Wanna have a sleep over?


Yes. Oh, yes. Oh, FUCK yes.
Truck
User
NatureJay said:
and running from the police,


This made me lol hard enough to startle people even though THERE IS NO ONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE. Just... how totally out of place it is. I can't... I just... oh my god.
User
WTF that guy's hat is clearly photoshopped on.
Sick vid
User
Because we're comparing.
User
Why are you showing your computer your long johns?
Truck
User
Salted or unsalted?
Truck
User
He just buttered up the reels pretty good so they'd slide easy.
User
I'll get back to pictures... when I'm not christmasing or LANing.
User
Rockbomb said:
If there's one attribute that I'd say makes Ron Paul the best candidate, it's how consistent he has been on all of his views over the years. The stuff he's saying now is the same stuff he was saying 30 years ago.

What's kinda scary, is that through time he has pretty accurately predicated the exact outcome of things.


^This. This is why I like Ron Paul. He's practically the only politician ever that isn't full of shit.

Also, on the creation thing... there's no point in talking about it because people who have decided they want to believe in a higher power regardless of the evidence before them aren't going to change their minds no matter what anyone says or does.
User
Nah, I really do like Ron Paul, and I really do think it's pointless to vote for him. He has as much chance of winning as I do.

I know he's a creationist, and I know that shit is stupid... but he's actually honest. He really does vote the way he says he's going to vote. Hardly any politicians do that, and that is reason enough for me to like him. I want someone honest and stupid before I want a brilliant schemer.
User
I like Ron Paul as well... but I'm not going to vote for him, since he's not going to win.
User
If Edan would come back we could have a cut-throat intellectu-match between DR, Edan and NatureJay. I would enjoy that.

Down Rodeo said:
And yes, it is a compliment. I'm saying there's quite a lot of depth to your image.


<3
User
Down Rodeo said:
I guess what I'm saying is you've made a Mona Lisa.


This unintentionally sounds like one hell of a compliment.

Down Rizzle said:
Was the reference photo actually you?

I'm... not sure... why you're asking that?
User
WHA-NO?! WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK THAT!! I mean... uh... oh, you're talking to SRAW!

Yeah, a cute girl looking up at a camera is one of the images that influenced this portrait. However, she wasn't smiling... or making the duckface. She just had a really blank look on her face. The sad picture of her is much more like the reference.
User
ARGH! She's so cute it causes me physical pain! DAMN MY INSCRUTABLE SUDDEN TALENT FOR ART! DAMN IT TO HELL!
User
Oh, sweet Fia. How I could never cause you any harm. Such a foolish mistake I have made making you so cute. There is no way I can test the evil path, as I would break down and cry if I were to see a hair on your adorable head hurt. If you were to cry I would lash out and kill whoever was responsible, and if you were to look at me with scorn or despair I would be unable to continue living.




Seriously. She's way too cute. I'm not even sure if I can finish drawing what she looks like if you rape her.
User
Sorry, sometimes my need to be offensive far outweighs my need to not be racist.
User
Dirty injuns aren't worth the penis of a white man. They deserve no more than a rusty spear!
User
Those were just two entertaining lines. He's really not all that into hammering pork up into bitches. Just his wife, and only when appropriate. Elves are significantly less sexual than humans, so being halvsies makes him unlikely to fuck his way up and down the story.
User
I REDONED GYLLIOC. He is better now. Not all lame and draw-badded.





Here's the sort of thing he says if he's evil:

“Any joy and comfort are an allowance you may seek only from me. Forget the life you knew, it is meaningless before my oppression. Despair, innocent. You. Are. Mine.”

Here's the sort of thing he says if he's much less evil and about to bang his wife:

"This ale does harm to my accuracy, fair maiden. This may be pleasurable or painful by virtue or fault of my aim."
User
Especially to me!
User
It essentially works that the more good things you do the less support you will get from other nobles and their soldiers. But there are many other ways in which your good deeds make the game harder as well.

For example, Shael hunts and kills a benign magical creature and it brings a curse down upon him and his lands. He is told by magical spirits that he can only undo the curse by performing an act of great generosity. That translates to Gyllioc and Shael spending all of their money to help people afflicted by the curse. Obviously that's the good way out. You don't lose any support, but it's very expensive.

Evil methods involve letting everyone suffer the curse, or using a necromantic ritual to obliterate all the benign magical creatures from existence to end the curse.
User
Well, you definitely have a large impact on what happens in the Dead Kings. You're just not the hero. There isn't really a specific hero in the story. Even if you're being 'not evil' you're still taking over a country for personal gain. You can use that position to do good things along the lines of ending slavery or improving the lives of commoners (especially women, being born a girl in Muir is a dire fate), but overall Gyllioc just wants power. He's certainly not going to abolish the monarchy and start a democracy.

Although, I suppose, in the long run this is all just affecting the fate of a single country in a large world. I guess the really key difference is that the player's viewpoint is that of an arrogant noble, which I have never seen done before. The arrogant noble who has no qualms with using commoners is ALWAYS an antagonist in any story.
User
Well, unless Gyllioc releases Tirival he has very little free will. He's essentially wandering around doing almost nothing because he's a puppet with no puppetmaster. He hasn't been ordered to do anything in a couple hundred years. He can't do much other than wander around aimlessly, defend himself and mope unless he is ordered to. In the prolonged presence of an evil Gyllioc he will lose the rest of his free will and become undead. There's not much room for gray area there. He's basically not even a person unless he is freed.

What happens if you free him varies wildly however. If he thinks you're a good enough person he'll continue to follow you (not ever following your orders in combat, however) because you're going after the Dead Kings anyway. If you're not really, really good he'll leave and plot the demise of the Dead Kings (maybe or maybe not including you).
User
I'm discovering as I write more and more for TEH DEAD KINGS that I end up writing quests and scenarios that appear like they're going to tell a moral. Then the moral generally gets screwed up halfway through and turns out to just be "Don't fuck with the Dead Kings." At least, that's what happens when you're evil.

This revelation pleases me.

User


You see? Narthlands. All up over there. Kinda hanging off the post.
User
There are narthlands, and he's been there at least!
User
...and why are you saying that here?
User



Here's Shael! He and Gyllioc have a serious bromance going on. Gyllioc encounters him while on a wacky slavery adventure, and after breaking his bonds they are bros for life. He's the only non-Caucasian character of significance in the entire story, but this shouldn't be surprising as the story takes place in pseudo-10th century Ireland.

Shael is an ex-noble from pseudo-India. His family was stripped of its status as punishment for its wrong-doing. Shael had nothing to do with his family's mistakes, but was de-nobled nonetheless. After a few months of him being a whiny bitch over the injustice, his king eventually got sick of him starting rebellions and sold him into slavery. He's an outstanding military officer, so after Shael frees him they chest-bump and bro-fist their way back into nobility. Shael isn't an especially bad person, but he'll endlessly tolerate any cruelty or depravity Gyllioc might get up to. He also shares Gyllioc's arrogant noble attitude, even when he's a slave, much to the chagrin of the common folk.
User
This is Tirival. Regardless of his deathly pallor he is not evil or undead. Well, he's semi-undead. He was well known as the Hero of Muiring (the capitol city of Muir) until a fateful battle with the Dead Kings. He was cursed by them and is unable to resist their commands. He is also unable to die, and has been moping around for the last two centuries and brooding about how much everything sucks.

As Gyllioc you can free him from his curse or take advantage of it. If freed he wastes no time trying to start a crusade against the Dead Kings.

**BAD IMAGE**
User
As I've mentioned, the game is 480x300. So yeah. Pixelated.
User


Here's what characters look like in game now.
User
She's supposed to look like a bit of totty with a head full of nothing.




She's Fyin's potential daughter. She's really not very bright. Also she gets lost a lot. In her house. She does, however, have amazing divine healing powers. Since she is one of two people in the world able to magically heal people, and the only one that isn't a son of a bitch, she's pretty much considered a saint.

Fyin's daughter is intelligent enough to know that she's slower than most people. This bothers her quite a bit. She gets really upset when people make fun of her, assuming she actually comprehends their insults. Gyllioc is especially protective of her, as he sees her as quite helpless, and he is used to his family members being competent.

I could have put more work in to drawing her but she's not an exceptionally important character.
User
Elder scrolls 5 isn't epic it's just big. Epic requires an engaging plot and characters and dialogue that aren't boring. I mean, it's fun and all, but not epic.

Anyway. It's... half-linear? There's a main storyline that has like 4 or 5 points that always have to go basically the same way, but how you get to those points is pretty variable. Well, that's a lie... if you're extremely evil the game goes a very different (and much faster) way.
User
Here is Sir Jacob the Glass Walker.




He is considered the patron saint of knights in his country. He acquired his distinction by walking across broken glass with bare feet to rescue an elderly priest from a burning church. He is an important ally if you're being good.
User
That's actually fairly similar to one kind of ending I have planned. You're not tricked or anything, your main character just refuses to follow through with his plans out of guilt and forfeits.
User
Depending on how well you did in the game previously, and whether or not you prepared for it, it might not even be possible to beat the game if you pick all good choices.

Also, is the greedy statue thing like you're getting punished by the gods for being a douche? Or is it more like your own stupidity getting you killed all on its own?
User
Down Rodeo said:
Pleasing! Not that I would do them, you know; I'm too much of a pansy. I tried going evil at the end of Jade Empire and actually had to give up!

It's much less of a choice and much more of an act of desperation in Dead Kings' Quest (working title, also hilarious). The game will get harder and harder as you stick to the good path. You won't so much choose the evil path just to see what it's like as you'll give up and be evil because good is frustratingly difficult.
User
I'm assuming you mean on Fyin, and yeah, you're right. That doesn't look right. It actually looks fine if her hair isn't in the way of her eye. It's weird. I'll fix it though.
User
I redid Azmagelle for realsies. First picture was getting outdated.




Bask in my majesty.

I'm really trying to avoid the "Psychopath who is bad for the evulz" idea. You won't have the option of stabbing the small starving child in the eye for no reason. Instead you'll have the option to take advantage of his desperation and send him on a dangerous recon mission that could easily get him killed.

I want all of Gyllioc's evil actions to be something someone evil would actually do, as opposed to something evil and silly a person playing a video game would want to do.

Truck
User
It would have to be an intense godzilla beam.
User
Computer. It's 146x146 resolution because the game is 480x300. It's pixelated because the game is pixelated. And I'm just drawing the girls first... because I like drawing girls. There's actually a lot less girls than guys. You end up with a party of six in the end, and I don't think more than one of them will ever be female. Possibly two if you have a daughter that grows old enough to fight and has some sort of combat ability.

The game is somewhat realistic in that women are pretty shitty in melee combat. Save one, the only women that are useful in combat have magic abilities, and magic is very rare. Azmagelle's daughter is supernaturally fast and can fight well in melee... but she's the only one.

User
Here is Fyin. Fyin is short for Fyinoula. (like finn-oo-lah)

Fyin is one of four possible love/'love' interests in the game. She's generally who you're going to get romantic with if you're being as good as possible... and thereby she is completely useless. She's fun to have around, but useless. In fact, though, she is the only one of the four who will ever actually love Gyllioc.

Fyin is an orphan, a peasant, very hungry and has almost nothing in the way of useful skills. She cannot read or write, save for her own name, and on top of that she isn't especially bright. In her culture it is generally accepted that girls are supported by their families until they are married and supported by their husbands. Fyin has no family. Fyin is shit out of luck.

You encounter her travelling along a dangerous road in a desperate attempt to find work, even though she has a recently broken ankle. She was travelling with a caravan, but they were attacked by goblins. Everyone ran away and left Fyin to die. Gyllioc can show up and, as Fyin comments to herself like she doesn't really believe it, "Dashing man saved me from the monsters."

That and a few other events lead to this:

Gyllioc then points out that if anyone deserves to be married into status it’s Fyin. At which point Fyin, completely surprised, responds with, “I do?”. Gyllioc tells her he didn’t mean this instant, and she can save the “I do” for later. Obviously, Fyin hopelessly crushes on Gyllioc.

You see? Gyllioc can be charming and heroic... it just results in marriage to somebody of no value. Also her potential daughter is probably the least useful child you can get. She has magical healing abilities (like all of Gyllioc's children), but she's not the sharpest crayon in the closet. Also she can get lost in her own home (which, in her defense, is a large castle) and end up virtually anywhere.




I appear to have done an extremely good job drawing her... somewhat shaming my previous drawing. Oh well. Please point out anything you may dislike about the drawing because it is difficult to judge one's own work.
User
Not quite sociopathic. Gyllioc is capable of caring about people. Blood relatives, for example. Basically he believes only his family are real people and everyone else is to be used. Which is why he's so very upset if he has to fight his own children... and that is a great deal of the reason why being evil ends up depressing.

Having options like "Forfeit and die/be sealed away forever" or "Kill your own children who you lovingly raised through most of the game" mean you're probably going to wish you weren't so evil.
User
NatureJay said:
While I admire the lengths he's willing to go to, it does sort of seem like you have the binary options of being Goody Two Feet or The Worst Person Imaginable.


Nope! Gyllioc can either be an arrogant noble who likes to make people's decisions for them, or he can be a depraved psychopath. There is also a range in between. For example, upon encountering Fia you can help her, leave her to die, kill her yourself or rape her. It's not just out of nowhere, either, this all happens after you join a group of bandits. You don't just randomly go up to people's houses and rape everyone all the time. In fact, it's probably the only time rape will even come up in the whole story.

Gyllioc is rarely a through and through good person, it's not in his nature to be heroic. He'll generally only do things he believes will get him something. This includes traumatizing Fia, he already knows it will benefit him strategically. As the game progresses if you're consistently good it will actually change his character and change what options are available to you. If you're really good all game you'll start losing evil choices later on, and vice versa.

The pay off for being evil is that the game is much easier, the pay off for being good is that the story isn't horribly depressing. I'm intentionally designing it so that being good is very difficult. What I want is for people to give up being good part way through the game because it's too hard, and then hate themselves for becoming evil because it's so much worse than your standard "evil game morality." Obviously, for sick psychopathic people being evil has no real downsides, other than the game being too easy.

My intention is also to make the game more enjoyable if you're good, because there's a lot more effort put into the dialogue. For example, if you're nice to Fia and help her out, she's hilarious and adorable. If you rape her she hardly speaks or does much ever again... other than occasionally try to commit suicide.
User
i made u a bug
theirs a download link
heres the code:

http://www.slapweb.com/volume-before-quality.vbs
User
At last! A picture withe a different background!




This is Fia. She's potentially a very powerful sorceress, but she's terribly nervous and therefore not much use in combat... unless Gyllioc kills her father and rapes her. And we’re not talking any sort of holding back in the absolute devastation Gyllioc has planned for Fia. He tortures and kills her father in front of her, strips his bloody carcass bare, and forces Fia to look at him while he violently rapes her. We’re talking a permanent and overwhelming psychological trauma that Fia will definitely never recover from. Then after she gets over being catatonic she's no longer nervous because she doesn't care if she dies! This makes her much more useful in combat.

That is the sort of way that being evil makes the game easier.

Needless to say, forcing her to marry you and have kids results in a very dysfunctional family.


User
I like it when my browser plays hard to get. And the toughness translates to endurance, which only improves the experience when you finally catch it.
User
Gyllioc! The main character.




He's potentially very bad!
User
Honestly, I don't think I could play that again. It was cool at the time, but there are vastly superior rogue-likes.
User
I remember that game. Use to play it in telemetry school back in the day.
User
It looks sort of like this. Except this picture is a lie and the HUD, sprites and overlay terrain aren't actually implemented yet.



That is the true resolution, though. Zoom in yourself you lazy bastards!

Also that sprite isn't Azmagelle.

Also Azmagelle got somewhat of a makeover. Less... obvious line and stuff now. I don't care enough to make her as awesome as her daughter.



SRAW said:
Note that I'm assuming that the main character is black though...


Actually there are no black people in the game. Everyone is white except for maybe two important characters and a few unnamed nobodies, and all of them are some kind of 'middle-eastern/Arabic/east Indian/I haven't decided yet'.
User
There is a visually functional isometric tactical combat system and an engine that fully supports everything I need to do. Some tile art is done, a little character design is done, and a hell of a lot of writing and combat mechanics are written but unimplemented. I'll bother posting screen shots when the HUD looks presentable.
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So, ZJams, was that acceptable or do you want me to explain exactly what I'm doing?
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I AM FINNISH. I AM FROM FINLAND. TRIPLANE TURMOIL.
User
Those are technically the same thing.
Truck
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Incredible. I tried it at home, and it worked!
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AS PROMISED. Obviously, it's not done yet.
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Okay. I just roughly sketched the lines of the latest picture, the 9-year old version of her. I'll just save it a bunch of times while I'm working.
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<3
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The main character has a name. It's Gyllioc.
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Oh, gravy! I'm gettin' better at this!





She's the main character and Azmagelle's daughter. She's an extremely good person, and won't stand for it if you're evil. It's very likely you'll be forced to kill her if you're the bad man. DRAMA!
Truck
User
And Cantonese means douche in American! HOW 'BOUT THAT?
Truck
User
You might be able to convince someone you knew really well to make a very simple engine for a very simple game that you would be able to do a lot of the programming for.

This sounds highly like "HAI I WANT TO MAKE GAME WILL YOU DO THE BORING AND HARD PARTS FOR ME?!"

Basically, find an engine that already would support it.
User
It kinda looks like a scrunchy, but that'd be more uneven. It's actually a decorative shallow u-shaped metal clamp. It's what's making her hair fan out like that. If it was a scrunchy her hair wouldn't be so visible to the sides of her neck.
User
When you get wood fucking orchards pop up.
User
Wow. Just... wow. I may never stop laughing! DAMN YOU TO HELL, RB!
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I wouldn't even consider that you might be a serial rapist.
User
Nigga, please. I'm obviously the best artist ever.





And there you have Azmagelle, the elven witch! She is the most evil character in a grouping of characters that are mostly total bastards.
User
The brown one.
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I think you meant > 100. Humans are about 70.
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HE DID IT AGAIN!



User
Why would you have a friend that would do that? Trustworthiness is normally a requirement for friendship.
User
Well, that works out fine. The end result is that picture being appox. 88x88 pixels in a 320x240ish display.
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Wow... I don't know why that made me lol so hard. But think of how funny it would be if instead of writing this I made a picture of him facing the other way and posted it upside-down.
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Okay he's done. One of the millions of elves corrupted when the Dead Kings devoured the elven god.



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I AM NOT A CORRUPTED ELF.
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NOW IM DOING THIS

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I'm pissing myself, but I'm not laughing. I'm not afraid either. Just... pissing myself.
Truck
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Eh, I have one. I would rate it's effect on my computer's speed at doing most anything as ASTRONOMICAL. I timed it, and it loads Sims 2 36 times faster. Most other things aren't measurable because they install/load so quickly I can't properly time it.
Truck
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buq25 said:

I have never watched Blood: The Last Vampire. I have neither heard that Blood+ is based upon The Last Vampire.


It is. Watch Blood: The Last Vampire and you won't even need to look it up. Blood+ is clearly some kind of remake.

buq25 said:
Why are you against the use of a different word?

It's not that it's different, it's that they're calling vampires draculas and draculinas, which is retarded. I already used up all my 'stupid name forgiveness' with Alucard.

It's like, if you were watching a really great movie, Die Hard or something, and then instead of being named John McClane the main character is called "Poofy Funtime Grilled Cheese Mega Snake." It suddenly becomes really hard to take it seriously.
Truck
User
No SSD?! FOOLISH HUMAN!
User
You live in a very flat area...
Truck
User
God damn it why only 2 eps of Puni Puni Poemi?! The main character keeps referring to herself as the name of her voice actress. THAT IS SO AWESOME.
Truck
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@buq: It's true. Blood+ is one of those things I hate. If it was just it's own show that wasn't pretending to be related to Blood: The Last Vampire I would have thought it was alright. BUT WHAT THE FUCK?! EVERYTHING IS WRONG! It was SO FUCKING COOL in the OVA. Why did the cool characters get replaced with whining pussies?!

Also... Hellsing OVA... it was all going along just fine and then BAM! People refer to vampires as draculas and draculinas. Totally unwatchable.

@Enjay: And Lucky Star is the "Azumanga Daioh/Pani Poni Dash but slower" show. It was only barely entertaining.

@ZJams: I used to like Akira, but then I read the manga. Now I like the manga and am like WHAT MOVIE.

Bastard! is one of those... gloriously terrible animes. It's so fucking retarded it is amazing. Totally worth a watch, but SO DUMB.

Berserk is really cool up until they pass the story on to a punk-ass 12 your old kid that thinks it would be funny to abruptly end the story with "AND THE THE WORLD EXPLODED." It's seriously amazing up until that point. Just... expect to be totally fucking let down by the last few episodes. "LETS HAVE A WHOLE SERIES OF BUILD-UP SO THAT WE CAN IGNORE MAKING A CONCLUSION AND INSTEAD TOTALLY SHIFT GEARS AND HAVE EVERYONE GET EATEN BY DEMONS FOR NO REASON! DEEERRRRPPP."

Urotsukidoji? Really? Why? I mean, if you get beyond the fact that it is super high budget porn, it's really stupid.

I really wish Puni Puni Poemi was an actual show and not just a really short joke...

Oh... and something that should be mentioned about Excel Saga. Nabeshin is not in the manga. Nabeshin is the director of the anime. He ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE THAT, YES, ALL THE TIME, and he stuffed himself as a character into the show like a complete asshole. It's awesome.

And @RB: That's... a lot of shows with Shinigami in them. Apparently you've mostly been watching anime post-bleach where that is the new cliche EVERYONE MUST USE. Not really a complaint, just noticing.



Truck
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Sexy Commando (This is a show that has no female characters)

Jungle Guu (Good luck comprehending the madness)

Irresponsilbe Captain Tylor (Good luck finding it)

Hellsing (The first one, and only the first six episodes)

The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (I've only seen the first season)

Vampire Hunter D Bloodlust (It's a movie)

Slayers (Can be confusing to get in to due to difficult to follow chronology, but nobody other than me seems to like it anyway)
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Look! I'm learning how to color!
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molkman said:
So what's your verdict on the new Dr. Wily? Or anyone else. :2

I'm in love with the first song on there, "Art Of Almost".


Fixed that for you.
User
Okay, I have to admit it's pretty funny that half your kills occurred BEFORE the items you'd need to gank as Razor were in your inventory. Why didn't your opponents just back off?
User
God damn it, Sloth. That wasn't a game. That was a dream. That "I" had. What did you do?!
User
You may only have fun in ways we approve of!


SRAW said:
I went 31-1-3 with Razor recently, and didn't get called a map hacker! (at first my score was 1-1-0, then all of a sudden after some really retarded team fights, my score was like 28-1-0)
and if you need proof, I have pics.


They must have been retarded. I wouldn't be particularly proud of a score like that on Razor. All it can mean is that your opponents were terrible. Razor isn't supposed to carry. Although, he used to back when he had the 100% attack speed thing... you weren't playing an old version of DotA were you?
User
That looks like wow. That makes you pretty solidly not badass.
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SRAW said:
What kind of person doesn't clear their browser cache in 3 years? ... creep


I'm pretty sure needing to clear your cache is more of a sign of being a creep, actually.
User
You could induce a seizure in me. That'd pretty much get the effect.
User
Alright, I've carved my boner into a chair. I'm sitting on it right now. Nobody is going to beat that.
User
Pffftt... I win that right away just by getting a boner.
User
Rockbomb said:
aaronjer said:
Are you going to coat it in a glossy sheen?

I think it would be better coated in a charlie sheen... just sayin'.

That's what I said! Martin is the satin finish.
User
Are you going to coat it in a glossy sheen?
Truck
User
I'm pretty sure I can tell which one you are. You DO wear glasses, after all.
User
You really need to test your laptop on a different internet connection. Maybe you just pushed the internet on/off button on the laptop. Why do laptops even have those? Why would you ever want your internet turned off?
User
We already know why Sprinkles joined the military. The important thing is that we chart the inside of Zjam's pants. Everyone look around you and send in a diagram of your surroundings.

Technically, no one has ever NOT been spelunking in ZachJer's pants.
User
How could they not be? They contain this life and everything after.
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the_cloud_system said:
fuck, i would kill people for money.


You would kill people for half a tennis ball!
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sprinkles said:
buq25 said:
I have the same problem/s with wire.

In laptops the wireless router is commonly also the modem.


Laptops... don't... generally contain routers or modems... wtf? Are you trying to say the modem might also be the router like with DSL?
User
If you can, try turning off all encryption just to see if that is part of the problem. Unfortunately the normal steps I would go through would involve replacing the network card to isolate the problem, but that isn't going to be something you could do on your own.
User
Well... now you're just trolling. Which I applaud!
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sprinkles said:
Wrong on both accounts.
Try again?


Well, the other option is that you're just really fucking stupid and actually WANT to be in the army... I was just giving you the benefit of the doubt there, but I guess I was wrong!

That also means that the "suck at everything else" actually applies though. I really was assuming you were doing it for the money at first.
User
I just watched that show again recently. Really good until the ending in which everything gets fucking stupid because they ran out of ideas so just killed everyone out of the blue.
User
People join the army either because they suck at everything else or because they want to pile up money. You have no expenses when you're in the military so even with low pay you kinda rake in the cash.
User
We started at the same time... so... yes.
User
I guess that would make sense. Army guys I've seen have been polite and friendly to the point of it being conspicuous. They must beat the hate out of people somehow...

There was a whole platoon, maybe even a company, of army guys going up Mount Si on Tuesday. I beat them to the top like it weren't nuthin' by like 10 minutes and they weren't all mad about it or anything, even though they were super competitive with each other. In fact, I haven't been called 'sir' that much in my entire life.
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And no mouse!
User
Well go ahead, RB, just don't send us pics.
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I know that was the point. I just wanted to add the fact that 3000 people died YESTERDAY and nobody cares.
User
3000 is not a lot. 3000 people die in America every day on average. Shall we have a memorial day for every day for each of those 3000 peoples? Why are those particular 3000 people so much more important than even other Americans? I don't get it.
User
joust8 is disturbingly fun. So fun that I would kill a mayoral candidate in cold blood to be allowed to play it.
Truck
User
The auction house makes sense. Either they can make it and moderate it or they can let d2jsp do it. It's going to exist either way and Blizzard would just rather get the extra money. Can't really blame them for that.

Playing without the auction house in Diablo 3 will probably be as bad an idea as doing so in Diablo 2. Seeing as all the peoples trading OFF the auction house in Diablo 2 are doing so because they are scammers or assholes and got banned... or they're just extremely ignorant and somehow don't know d2jsp exists.

I've STILL never seen a Diablo clone that looked (or played) better than Titan Quest. That game is OOOOOLLLLDDDD... someone should have pulled it off by now. TQ isn't even that good!
Truck
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Everything looks bland, boring, untextured and cartoony. It doesn't even have one iota of the style Diablo 1 and 2 had. It's just a warcraft game with the Diablo name stapled on to it. Why in the hell did they decide to radically change the style from realistic to a cartoon? WTF! First TF and now this?! What is everyone's problem?!

And why does every diablo clone after diablo 2 have BRIGHT SHINY COLORED LIGHTING THAT LOOKS TOTALLY FUCKING UNNATURAL ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! I mean... hopy shit. gog danp it.
User
Yo dog, I heard you like mining so I put ore in your ore so you can excavate while you excavate.
Truck
User
Be careful not to open your presents so fast as to cause fission.
User
Dwarf Fortress is a game for all ages. Except those that don't enjoy fun! I wouldn't play it right now, the material system is pretty broken and it ruins combat...
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fuck you, that's why.

Because fuck 'em, that's why.


[Edited by SuperJer]
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I didn't understand it but I think I had fun?
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You are indeed correct! And I would definitely fix that before coloring the image. I kinda was just so happy with how quickly I drew that shoe that I didn't feel like changing it...

There's lots of other things I would change as well, like the weird messy position of the wizard's right arm (the one on the left).
User
Her knees are turned slightly inward and slightly bent. Her lower legs are sticking out with her feet turned inwards a bit. It's a very standard and cliched "cute anime girl pose". It's not a way anyone would normally ever stand.
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AND I LIKE TO PLAY THE DRUMS. I THINK I'M GETTING GOOD BUT I CAN HANDLE CRITICISM. I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I KNOW AND YOU CAN TELL ME IF YOU THINK I'M GETTING BETTER AT THE DRUMS.
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the_cloud_system said:
Rockbomb said:
Maybe the frequencies are too low and you guys can't hear 'em?


User
Neither work for me, but I AM still farting.
User


I liked it.
User
'tis nay loading. It might be because I can not EVER STOP FARTING though.
User
dwarf fortress
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EVERY TIME I DRAW A PICTURE I BECOME EVEN MORE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD.



This one is for you, Havokk. Also I sent you some ice cream in the mail, irresponsible of a plan that it is.
User
I didn't expect so many <3's! Maybe you aren't so concerned with porn anymore? Because that girl isn't even slightly naked or even remotely close to an age you'd want her naked at anyway.

Whatever, I'll put these in my <3 bank.
User
Two <3's are better than one?
User
'tis nay loading for the AtoBaron either.
User
I drew some more pictures. They are in Schpida. They are ALL DEDICATED TO YOU AS ALWAYS.
User
CHECK THIS SHIT.



At the door. You may turn it in for one free AWESOME.

But seriously. If ever a wiz, a wiz there was, a wiz that is, a wiz that does, a wiz that would, a wiz that could, a wiz that stood, against the encroaching darkness, a savior for our doomed world. Oh please. Send us a wiz. Send us a wiz that would.
User
That makes too much sense. It wasn't drugs what killed Amy Winehouse!

I DID.

Over a decade ago. With magic.
User
User
So, I decided to draw the wiz I was. If ever a wiz, a wiz there was, a wiz that is, a wiz that does... wiz... wizzy wiz... mmmmm... AHEM. Draw him/me looming over the sweet, innocent girl I effectively murdered and stole the body of. All looming over her and being puppet mastery.

User
I got really close.

At least we can both agree that I would definitely have died if I tried to up the scramble.
User
I had an absurdly meta dream. I was in a warehouse and it was full of all the people and things that have been in my dreams before. This included the many different versions of me, including those I'd never actually seen very well before.

Everyone was just standing around with their heads tilted and staring vacantly. I just thought, "Huh. So this is where my subconscious keeps all of this stuff." I came across the two versions of me that existed in that dream I had where I died and then possessed the body of a 14-year old girl. I had never really seen the original body I had before, seeing as it was obliterated about 70 seconds into the dream. The obvious thing to do was to draw me before I forgot myself.



Apparently I was a wizard.

Now I know.
Truck
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I'd say you should go play DDO because it's awesome but you missed your chance. It had a good run, but they changed the combat mechanics and it sucks now.
User
Her shoes are unbelievably retarded. Also, I'm not at all okay with people intentionally wearing ineffective outfits to a fight.
User
I'm still there. My finger is starting to hurt.
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phoenix_r said:
Meh, dubstep is an OK song.


This. It's not bad. It just all sounds like the same angry robot stomping around.
User
No. I wasn't paying attention when I enlarged the image. I noticed it but didn't care enough to fix it. I'm surprised you looked closely enough to see it.

EDIT: I fixed it. For you.
User
?
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Hey look! I still didn't stop doing this.

User
I'd say that's cool, but... sadly... I'm a total dick.
User
Indeed. I hadn't drawn her from the waist down yet. So that part is for you.
User
How about this previously unfinished picture from the Schpida truck? Does this help? You could just copy it over your drawing and pretend this is what it originally was.

User
BOOTIN BOOTIN BOOTIN bootin BOOTIN BOOTIN bootin bootin BOOOOTIN BOOTIN BOOTIN!

O
|<
/\
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I should add, if you're not having a great time playing DF without tutorials and just trying to figure out what the fuck you shouldn't be playing it. Figuring it out is the game. Once you understand it you've effectively won and there isn't much to do.
User
My rivets!
User
http://df.magmawiki.com/index.php/DF2010:Controls_guide

There is no good way to learn how to play DF, that's sort of the point. I've played it a ton and I still have to look around for shit until I figure it out. Also, you won't notice for a while most likely, but the game is far less fun right now than it was in 40d. The material system for various metals and how they function as weapons and armor were made very realistic and it is NOT FUN AT ALL. Every battle is 100% one-sided... :(

Really though, there is not system to how DF works. It is rarely consistent. It really is all just individual memorization of what works and when. The menu system and controls are intentionally counter-intuitive. So counter-intuitive that the game is virtually unplayable without at least the 3rd party app called Dwarf Therapist.
User
So have you given up or not? This situation is riveting and I need to know if this is really the end.
User
Just go delete your clientregistry.blob like the rest of us and quit bitching.
User
I don't give a shit about your stupid bullshit even when you CALL me so it's unlikely I want to witness you tweet it instead.
User
I could really go for a grinder. Gog danp it, don't make me hungry four hours before the foodening.
User
u didnt find all the trinkets? u havnt wun yet nub. thtas like palyin g thru all of a gam on teh esaist deficilty an sayign u bet it. dosent count!
User
The SuperChair is more of a prison than a privilege.
User
╕I can't die...
User
A long hike would be neat, but... we have jobs.

I make up for it by going pretty much whenever I have time off. Take pictures and you will be allowed to join the official coterie facebook page! OH FUCKING BOY.
User
Have you killed anybody yet?
User
It was 8 miles, it wasn't particularly hard, and it was pretty funs. I thought about love and tractor beams while I was on the mountain. I sang sad country songs about loss on the way down. We got the name of the mountain wrong as many times as possible, examples include: Pendejo, Bandito, Panito, Pantera and Chingaderas. GaryJer exclaimed "It's Little Panito Mountain Mosquito!" upon realizing there was a mosquito on SJamz face. Laughter was unstoppable.

I'll need some kine of email address to send my nombre to. I'm too lazy (far too lazy) to dig it up myself.
User
WHY?
User
Indeed. Did it hit ya was pure magic.
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nimbu said:
'catpee.prt' does not exist


This may be for the best.
User
That picture reminds me of an old PC game called Traders.