The intricacies of Wood Elven reproductive compatibility

The intricacies of Wood Elven reproductive compatibility

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aaronjer
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2005 Mar 21 • 4599
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So... I had a dream a little minute ago. Instead of explaining things exactly as they happened, I'll explain it in a way that makes more sense.

It was a fairly generic medieval D&Dish setting. Towns, castles, swords and magic and such. I was a sorcerer working for a king, nobody but the king knew that I was actually the last of an ancient cabal of demons that was supposed to have been wiped off the world millennia ago. The king suddenly up and died, and everyone assumed that I was playing the "treacherous vizier" role and had assassinated him and was planning on usurping the throne. I had nothing to do with his death, and I had no interest in ruling the kingdom, so their suspicious and attempts to yield to me were without necessity.

The king had no family, and so the nobles of the kingdom decided to form a republic. The Senate apparently expected that I would join them or at least go away. I did neither. I stuck around in the castle because I had a really good setup going there, I had a whole floor to myself for magical experiments and sexy parties. Nobody was willing to try to force me out, because they knew I would probably throw a fireball at them or something. Also they didn't want to come to my floor and talk to me because demons wandered freely throughout the halls there... and they might get eaten by a succubus or something. As a side note, the nobles would not stop trying to warn me about the dangers of a man trying to summon and control succubi... what they didn't know was that I had created them thousands of years ago, and was in no danger of being seduced by my own offspring.

The Senate decided to send their armies into an allied country to help stop a genocidal invasion. I was all like, "Hey! Can I come too?!" and they were all like, "No.", but then I was all like, "Too bad! I'm coming anyway!". And so I did. The country we were aiding was the home of the very secluded and isolationist... I'll call them "Wood Elves". I never actually asked what kind of elves they were. By the time we reached their ransacked homeland, however, it had been completely destroyed. Due to my own explosively powerful intervention, the pillaging army (which consisted of just men, I think) was quickly routed. The land had used to be a forest, but was almost completely burned to the ground. The invaders were very thorough, and I only managed to find 2 survivors among the ruins, and as far as we and they knew, the only living Wood Elves left in the entire world. Unfortunately for them, they were both female. Other than being minorly injured and a little singed, they were both total hotties. I never asked, but they looked like they could have been sisters. They wore light metallic armor over dark green and silver dresses. Due to that and the longswords they carried I came to the concluded that they were soldiers. They had very interesting and identical tattoos on the left side of their faces that looked somewhat abstracted like curling branches and a few leaves. They were pale, tall and sported long voluminous brown hair. Whoever designed them even subconsciously was clearly me.

The elven women came with us back to our country, and back to our castle. They were immediately vocal about their distress pertaining to the likely annihilation of their species. Their kind hadn't enough genetic similarity to reproduce with humans or even other kinds of elves. Even if they found a surviving male, the genetic bottleneck would likely see them wiped out after only a few generations anyway. We discussed all of this in detail. I sent out my demonic children to see if they could find any Wood Elves who had gone to live in other countries. The two elven women reminded me of their isolationist policies, and that no Wood Elf had left their country of their own volition during the existence of their kind.

One of the succubi mentioned that incubi were capable of reproducing with any humanoid species, via a magical and much less genetically reliant method. This, however, would result in children that were far more demon than anything else... and did not satisfy the Wood Elves as a method for saving their species. This reminded me however, that as the creator of the succubi and incubi, I was capable of magically reproducing with any living thing. Seriously. Anything. Fish, bugs, plankton. Whatever it was, I could get lucky with it. The result of this sort of pregnancy produces offspring that is one-half genetically similar to the female, and one-half somewhat magically genetically randomized... and just a little bit on the demonic side. They still weren't fond of this idea, because it would mean that even if their offspring were male, the only way for their species to continue reproducing without "genetically" inbreeding would be with me. They were rather disgusted about my description of how that's also the only way to get more succubi and incubi, and how that seemed to be working out just fine. As a side note, succubi and incubi could only produce demonic versions of other species, and were incapable of reproducing with each other.

The elven women were not happy with my solution, and seemed to be of the opinion that it would be better for their race to disappear into oblivion than to be completely dependent on a demon for survival, and to have demonic blood running through their veins. I simply would not accept that, because I really, really wanted to have sex with them, and they certainly weren't going to do it just for fun. They quickly became aware of my intentions due to my lack of effort to hide them, and this only made them even more for the idea of facing annihilation. I remember well only one short conversation I had with one of them that went like this:

Elf Girl: "I don't think you'd make a very good father."

Me: "Actually, I hadn't even thought about that."

Elf Girl: "Exactly."

I decided to try and show that I had some devotion to their cause by going out myself to look for any Wood Elves in other places. Those I had sent out to find any earlier reported that they had found only one. Supposedly, a Wood Elf had been captured a long time ago by a powerful sorcerer, and he was now holding them in a dark tower in the middle of a lifeless desert. I was able to quickly bend my way through dimensions until arrived at the outer reaches of a magical barrier the sorcerer had erected to keep people like me from teleporting into his living room. Strangely, there was a guide waiting for me, sent by the sorcerer, to show me the way to the tower. Apparently one of my succubi had spoken to him about me. After about 10 miles into the desert by horseback, the guide had really gotten on my nerves. He wouldn't shut up about his family, and kept telling all kinds of pointless anecdotes about how precious his children were. After my subtle hints weren't enough to shut him up, I bashed him over the head and left him unconscious in the middle of the night out in the freezing desert where he probably died. Good riddance.

Upon arriving at the tower, which was at the end of a straight line of a road (What was the guide for!?) I found the front doors to be open. The sorcerer was waiting for me, he already knew who and what I was and had no intentions of attacking me. He greeted me as a friend and colleague, for he used demonic sorcery just like I did. He was a tall and very old middle-eastern man. He wore a red turban and black and gold robes. He had somewhat messy black make-up of some sort around his eyes. He moved like an old man, but I could tell it was a Yoda-esque act, and that he was entire capable of great and destructive feats of strength and magic. He showed me that he did indeed have an Elf held captive in his tower... although I really couldn't tell the differences between elven species. I honestly had no idea if she was the right kind of elf. She was different from the other two, she was very short (probably no more than 5' 2"), had darker complexion and black hair. I wasn't sure of her height because the sorcerer was keeping her in such a small cage that she couldn't even stand up or move more than a few inches in any direction. She had probably been there for hundreds of years, and I'm sure she'd lost her mind long ago due to the captivity and the experiments the sorcerer used her for.

I walked into the room she was kept in before the sorcerer, and when she saw me I'm sure she hadn't seen anyone but him in a very long time. She looked almost as if she was happily surprised and that I might rescue her, until the sorcerer casually walked in after me and made it clear we weren't enemies. I actually did consider killing the sorcerer and taking the girl back with me... but I wasn't completely sure I'd win in a duel with him, and he'd make a great partner for magical research. What I really wanted to do was have him bring his operation back to my castle, where we could perform dark arts together, and REALLY annoy the new republic. He'd have thousands of demons at his disposal that he wouldn't even have to put effort into controlling, and I'd make a friend! I also might be able to get the Elf to go along with my reproduction plan! She was crazy anyway, I'm sure she wouldn't even think about how it would all work like those overly pragmatic and analytical sisters.

Sadly... I never found out if any of this would work out... because I woke up. If I forgot anything important Crytax or Zarathustra will probably yell at me. The End.

 
 
2008 Oct 29 at 23:07 PDT
Down Rodeo
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2008 Oct 30 at 10:12 PDT
eDan Co.
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Real Live Hands-On Rabbi Medal
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Never in my life have I read one of your dreams.
May contain traces of invisible text.
 
 
2008 Oct 30 at 12:48 PDT
SolidKAYOS
Count Adelaide

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2007 Jun 24 • 84
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i would but im too lazy
Make awkward sexual advances, not war.
Down Rodeo said:
Dammit, this was the one place that didn't have this, but noooooo, molkman pisses all over that
 
 
2008 Oct 30 at 13:51 PDT
Down Rodeo
Cap'n Moth of the Firehouse

Find the Hole II Participation Medal
2007 Oct 19 • 5485
57,583 ₧
 
 
2008 Oct 30 at 16:30 PDT
Homeslice
Homebread

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2006 May 20 • 287
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What in the DOG FUCK are we reading here!
 
 
2008 Oct 30 at 16:56 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4599
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Everybody needs to quit getting so surprised. When I have a weird dream I tend to post it here. That is all.
 
 
2008 Oct 30 at 17:07 PDT
NatureJay
SJA: Commander of Ruthless Abuse

Good Conduct Medal
2005 Mar 22 • 1871
574 ₧
I wonder how you and kingity king king King got in cahoots in the first place. Usually people have an aversion to demon summoners, and it doesn't seem like he was using you to any specific end, you were just sort of living the swinging immortal amoral bachelor life, save for that part where you decided you were going to stop that genocide because it sounded like fun I guess? If you make a deal with some sort of demoniac it's usually for protection or power and it didn't seem like you were really doing either. And were you just with that king or were you some sort of royal hand-me-down?
100% natural, no antibiotics, and bloodgrass-fed
 
 
2008 Oct 31 at 11:04 PDT — Ed. 2008 Oct 31 at 11:15 PDT
aaronjer
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2005 Mar 21 • 4599
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I'm quite certain that I had contracted my services to that king alone. No ancestors of his were aware of my existence. The one thing I really remember about him (he wasn't around very long) was that he was nervous about what would happen to him in the afterlife, and he knew I could tell which way his soul was going to go. He wasn't good enough to warrant a one-way trip to the heavenly realms, there was nothing either of us could do about that... so he used me to make sure he ended up in the least crappy part hell. I benefited from our deal as well, as I pretty much had the run of an entire country for practicing and experimenting with potentially dangerous magics without the threat of legal or divine repercussions. Once the king was dead, I really was supposed to go away... but I didn't.

Something I should mention as well is that the king DID use me for protection. For the same reason that nobody dared tell me to leave the castle after the king was dead, nobody dared challenge the king's authority while I was around. It was quite apparent to anyone while meeting with the king that they should be very careful about the hooded figure in the dark corner of the room. As far as my personal relationship with the king, he wasn't at all worried about my loyalty or intentions. He knew I had no interest in taking over his throne, so he could confide in me as an ally and a friend. Being my friend meant that he had little fear of being tortured by any demons in hell as well... his "eternal punishment" was probably performed by the many succubi I had created and the most painful thing involved would probably be the "love bites". Come to think of it, his sentence in hell was probably better than most people's reward in heaven.

For the record... I was not a "demon summoner." I was the demon, although nobody had enough power to summon or bind me as far as I know. I was working for the king entirely of my own free will. I never summoned any demons myself in the typical magical circle and a sacrifice sense... the way I "summoned" demons was by saying "Hey, you, get over here." Either that or I'd just make a new one on the spot. Which could either be by casting some kind of demon creation spell, which would involve me cutting myself and turning my own blood into a new demon... or by banging the succubus Queen. She wasn't really the Queen of anything in particular, it was just a handy title for the first and only succubus to be created magically instead of being born in a semi-natural way. Also she wore a crown made of finger bones and canine teeth and hovered a few inches off the ground everywhere she went, so I guess she was probably more powerful or something. The other ones couldn't hover like that.

As for my desire to stop the Wood Elf genocide... I'd say it was 20% just for fun, 30% because I knew the republic didn't want me to go, and 50% because I didn't want a race with potentially useful unique magical properties to be wiped out until I was absolutely sure I didn't need them for anything. That 50% there should show why I got along with the old man in the tower, he was thinking along those lines too. I mean... what if there's some kind of demonic spell that can only be performed by sacrificing or at least bleeding a Wood Elf? That magic would be lost to us forever, or at least until Old Man Sorcerer and I found a way to drag one of them kicking and screaming back out of the afterlife. And that's rarely worth the collateral damage...

Does that answer your questions? Other than the "How I met the king in the first place" one... I have no idea... that happened before the dream started and we never talked about it.
 
 
2008 Nov 4 at 05:02 PST — Ed. 2008 Nov 4 at 05:39 PST
NatureJay
SJA: Commander of Ruthless Abuse

Good Conduct Medal
2005 Mar 22 • 1871
574 ₧
No, I think that about covers it. Except now I want a necklace of finger bones and canine teeth, but hey, who doesn't? Not that I'd wear it... I'd just like to have it, you see...
100% natural, no antibiotics, and bloodgrass-fed
 
 
2008 Nov 4 at 08:14 PST
aaronjer
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2005 Mar 21 • 4599
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If you wore it you might start floating... so watch out!
 
 
2008 Nov 4 at 22:29 PST
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 304
11 ₧
Actually, New Jersey, I have one of those in my room right now!

I
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2008 Nov 8 at 11:30 PST — Ed. 2008 Nov 8 at 11:30 PST
NatureJay
SJA: Commander of Ruthless Abuse

Good Conduct Medal
2005 Mar 22 • 1871
574 ₧
More accurately, I'd start floating regularly, or perhaps a little bit higher than usual. Nez would argue that I already float a little.

Cho vest? I'm not sure Cho you mean. Ch
100% natural, no antibiotics, and bloodgrass-fed
 
 
2008 Nov 8 at 14:43 PST — Ed. 2008 Nov 8 at 14:44 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

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2005 Mar 21 • 4599
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I've got an Emerald Studded Cho Vest, but I'll only trade it for some affalgated rind or possibly some fermented jara. If you can get me that you'll prove yourself to be a brave Clo indeed. Our yarns of you will be spun long.
 
 
2008 Nov 8 at 19:27 PST — Ed. 2008 Nov 8 at 19:27 PST
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 304
11 ₧
Here you go, Attoberious.



I traded it for some old baseball card. Think it was Honus Wagner or something like that. Whatever.


NJ, I always thought that Newark was just a lazy/retarded way of saying New York. But then again, I see anything east of the Rockies as
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2008 Nov 9 at 12:55 PST — Ed. 2008 Nov 9 at 16:42 PST
aaronjer
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2005 Mar 21 • 4599
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Oh come on, everyone knows how to find San Marino! Just point out the blemish on Italy!

...and... wow... fermented jara! It's been so long! I haven't gotten any since like a year ago when I came across some strange nomad who had a whole barrel full. I traded him a Quietus missile and a chocolate bar for all of it.
 
 
2008 Nov 9 at 19:03 PST — Ed. 2008 Nov 9 at 19:06 PST
NatureJay
SJA: Commander of Ruthless Abuse

Good Conduct Medal
2005 Mar 22 • 1871
574 ₧
Newark exists. It's like someone tried to build a city, but got bored halfway through and decided they were building a dirt factory instead.

Whenever I look at maps, I keep trying to find countries that aren't there anymore. Fuck this Myanmar shit, bring back Burma.
100% natural, no antibiotics, and bloodgrass-fed
 
 
2008 Nov 10 at 21:17 PST
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 304
11 ₧
NatureJay said:
Whenever I look at maps, I keep trying to find countries that aren't there anymore.


I know. I miss Yugoslavia.

Perhaps someday science can resurrect old Tito to end the madness once and for all.


Also, you should probably be prepared for the future:
http://zombie.wikia.com/wiki/Battle_of_Yonkers
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2008 Nov 10 at 21:29 PST — Ed. 2008 Nov 10 at 21:37 PST
aaronjer
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2005 Mar 21 • 4599
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You guys are getting way off-topic here. There are no Wood Elves in Newark at all, and zombies had nothing to do with the Wood Elf genocide. They were mostly burned, and we all know zombies hate fire.
 
 
2008 Nov 10 at 23:29 PST
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 304
11 ₧
(Click for image)

Those poor elf chicks are in desperate need of some sweet, sweet lovin
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2008 Nov 12 at 19:53 PST
SolidKAYOS
Count Adelaide

Roar Of The Tigress Medal
2007 Jun 24 • 84
68 ₧
Oh......

Ya shes hot...but her boobs are so big they are unattractive..
Make awkward sexual advances, not war.
Down Rodeo said:
Dammit, this was the one place that didn't have this, but noooooo, molkman pisses all over that
 
 
2008 Nov 12 at 19:57 PST — Ed. 2008 Nov 12 at 19:58 PST
SolidKAYOS
Count Adelaide

Roar Of The Tigress Medal
2007 Jun 24 • 84
68 ₧
These will go better





(Click for image)



Make awkward sexual advances, not war.
Down Rodeo said:
Dammit, this was the one place that didn't have this, but noooooo, molkman pisses all over that
 
 
2008 Nov 12 at 20:14 PST
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 304
11 ₧
Havokk Edge said:
Oh......

Ya shes hot...but her boobs are so big they are unattractive..



That, sir, is your opinion and you are welcome to it. But STFU.

Also, CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONVERSATION OR I WILL FIRE YOU OUT OF A CANNON INTO THE SUN!
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2008 Nov 12 at 20:45 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

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2005 Mar 21 • 4599
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Okay... Havokk... that first picture is extremely disturbing.

Also... they didn't look like any of those things. They weren't naked, close to naked, sporting boobs larger than their heads nor were they that creepy "eyes way too far apart and off-centered with a snake neck thing and lots of other cracked-out shit" first picture Havokk posted.

Ahem, anyway... as I mentioned before: As far as anyone knew (in the dream) there were no living males of their species at all. The whole 'genetic bottleneck' was a problem they couldn't even get to. They had to go with an extremely not immaculate magical conception kinda thing if they wanted to reproduce at all.
 
 
2008 Nov 13 at 05:00 PST — Ed. 2008 Nov 13 at 05:04 PST
SolidKAYOS
Count Adelaide

Roar Of The Tigress Medal
2007 Jun 24 • 84
68 ₧
Crytax said:
Havokk Edge said:
Oh......

Ya shes hot...but her boobs are so big they are unattractive..



That, sir, is your opinion and you are welcome to it. But STFU.

Also, CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONVERSATION OR I WILL FIRE YOU OUT OF A CANNON INTO THE SUN!


That is contributing and um ya man seriously...theres a limit how big boobs need to go.cause i like big boobs.But DAMN!It just makes a girl look bad.

and aaronjer...if you wanted them naked...you just have to ask...and the pics was really random.
Make awkward sexual advances, not war.
Down Rodeo said:
Dammit, this was the one place that didn't have this, but noooooo, molkman pisses all over that
 
 
2008 Nov 13 at 14:37 PST
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