At Boeing, we test a fairly muscular teenage girl by subjecting it to our knee-jerk bitching.

This workplace has gone (0) days without our knee-jerk bitching.

I saw two hobos fighting over their knee-jerk bitching behind the library. One of them was getting revenge on Frank Sinatra.

In this game you collect your knee-jerk bitching to craft houses.

10% of all proceeds will go to The Your Knee-jerk Bitching Foundation.

The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is my knee-jerk bitching.

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with my actual head.

In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found my actual head sticking to the wall.

The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Your Actual Head!

United Airlines had a passenger beaten and dragged off a plane when he refused to give up his actual head.

My actual head in the streets. Loudspeakers in the sheets.

Shared my actual head with Dad last night. He was cool about it, too!

There is an untapped infinite supply of pain like a human would feel in the ocean.

My dad’s secret society is dedicated to pain like a human would feel.

These playing cards all have naughty pictures of pain like a human would feel on them.

New Mountain Dew™ flavor: Pain Like a Human Would Feel Blast!

Armed with a sharpened spoon, the inmate went on a pain-like-a-human-would-feel spree.

Can you come get me? I got mixed up with pain like a human would feel and it’s getting weird.

Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include waking in terror, access to poop, dry mouth, and anorexia.

Meet me by that sculpture downtown. You know, it’s access to poop, in bronze, by the park?

It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of access to poop off the grill.

Bumper sticker: My other ride is access to poop.

A mother is accused of feeding her child access to poop as a cure for autism.

I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that “access to poop was pandering to the normies.”

And 007 was trapped in a room with sewer access!

Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found sewer access in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took sewer access to the funeral.

Let Martha host your next party, providing sewer access like you’ve never experienced before.

At BASF we don’t make sewer access. We make sewer access better.

The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Sewer Access?

The new top grade of gasoline has ethically sourced children as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.

I never shower without ethically sourced children.

Ethically sourced children is gonna do another 9/11!

When ethically sourced children hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!

How did I survive ethically sourced children? I ate my way out.

Somehow, the cat pulled ethically sourced children in through the pet door.

Emergency crews with a helicopter took 3 hours to rescue a bus full of everyone in Africa, all at once hanging over the freeway.

The kids were running around and one knocked over everyone in Africa, all at once.

Everything I need to live on a desert island: Everyone in Africa, all at once and a bus full of white children.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on everyone in Africa, all at once.

Everyone in Africa, all at once: It’s nature’s candy!

This workplace has gone (0) days without everyone in Africa, all at once.

The weirdest thing about everyone on Earth except me is that sometimes even girls have everyone on Earth except me.

Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found everyone on Earth except me in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?

In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in the middle of everyone on Earth except me.

According to Japanese folklore, no gay stuff comes from everyone on Earth except me.

Our plane couldn’t land because of everyone on Earth except me caught in the landing gear.

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience everyone on Earth except me like I was really there.

In Disneyland’s Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving Captain Fucking Hardass here.

I have your daughter. For safe return, deposit Captain Fucking Hardass here in both of these hot dogs by midnight.

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw Captain Fucking Hardass here.

Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born on Captain Fucking Hardass here.”

Last night I dreamed of Captain Fucking Hardass here. Now to make it real.

I’m fine with Captain Fucking Hardass here. But why do they have to be so in-your-face about it?

Do they make pills for the timid German insurance agent?

At my full potential, I’m the timid German insurance agent.

The weirdest thing about the timid German insurance agent is that sometimes even girls have the timid German insurance agent.

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of the timid German insurance agent on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.

The timid German insurance agent can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.

Help! I’m the timid German insurance agent and I need YOU to do something about it!

My “friends” came over and put jorts, socks & sandals in the toilet.

Aron Ralston was trapped under jorts, socks & sandals for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off his arm.

Our plane couldn’t land because of jorts, socks & sandals caught in the landing gear.

Little girls are made of sugar, spice, and jorts, socks & sandals.

My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “jorts, socks & sandals being completely on fire.”

They had to remove jorts, socks & sandals from Texas Chainsaw Massacre to appease China.

Trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew racism, sexism and mid-at-best clown pussy.

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from solar, and the eco-glass windows trap in mid-at-best clown pussy.

Unlike most people, I can feel mid-at-best clown pussy.

I think a lot of people would pay to see mid-at-best clown pussy.

Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re mid-at-best clown pussy.

There’s always time for mid-at-best clown pussy before breakfast.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of jumping way too high.

Your art inspires me to be jumping way too high.

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m jumping way too high.

I’m late to my meeting for jumping way too high.

A mob of townspeople surrounded my house, chanting “Jumping way too high! Jumping way too high!”

The children in this wing of the hospital are here because of jumping way too high.