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Posts written by Crytax:



User
A quiet echo
n

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from a quiet echo, and the eco-glass windows trap in bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton.
A quiet echo: It’s nature’s candy!
If you do it right, a quiet echo is all about a screaming dog.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted a quiet echo to the vastness of space.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a quiet echo in the pillows.
When I get older, I don’t want to be a quiet echo.

User
A 3rd edition of the wholesome erotic RPG Headpats & Handjobs™
n

Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw a 3rd edition of the wholesome erotic RPG Headpats & Handjobs™ flavor and then fist pumping flavor.
These special lenses help colorblind people see that a 3rd edition of the wholesome erotic RPG Headpats & Handjobs™ is being tall enough to ride.
Burned clothing can wear down a 3rd edition of the wholesome erotic RPG Headpats & Handjobs™, which gradually decreases effectiveness.
Music without the sounds of a 3rd edition of the wholesome erotic RPG Headpats & Handjobs™ is hardly music at all.
If a 3rd edition of the wholesome erotic RPG Headpats & Handjobs™ were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw a 3rd edition of the wholesome erotic RPG Headpats & Handjobs™ in the mirror! And it smelled like getting boinked in there! I’m so scared!

User
A full-body cringe
n

Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a full-body cringe.
If mom hears us talking about a full-body cringe we’ll be SO grounded!
We’re having a wet tongue situation. Watch out for a full-body cringe and please stand by...
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a full-body cringe.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a full-body cringe and a mouthfeel like your fluid-filled lungs.
Today I bought no evidence of any infidelity from the back of a van. They also threw in a full-body cringe, which I didn’t even think was legal.

User
There is an untapped infinite supply of   in the ocean.

There is an untapped infinite supply of landlady bosoms in the ocean.
There is an untapped infinite supply of waking in terror in the ocean.
There is an untapped infinite supply of the taxpayers in the ocean.
There is an untapped infinite supply of getting slathered in the ocean.
There is an untapped infinite supply of a shrieking tarantula in the ocean.
There is an untapped infinite supply of Christopher Lloyd holding a dog in the ocean.

User
News reports are showing that we've lost Canada and Mexico to   already.

News reports are showing that we've lost Canada and Mexico to a bad landing already.
News reports are showing that we've lost Canada and Mexico to formaldehyde already.
News reports are showing that we've lost Canada and Mexico to a bad chicken already.
News reports are showing that we've lost Canada and Mexico to instant death already.
News reports are showing that we've lost Canada and Mexico to a ripe body already.
News reports are showing that we've lost Canada and Mexico to several children already.

User
An impenetrable wall of swine
n

An impenetrable wall of swine is always a contest when I’m involved.
They don’t make an impenetrable wall of swine like they used to! This one doesn’t even have too much denim.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but an impenetrable wall of swine.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually an impenetrable wall of swine.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up an impenetrable wall of swine on the porch to surprise the kids.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a weak spot, part was a hollow shell, and it was crowned with an impenetrable wall of swine.

User
5,000 feral hogs
np

John “5,000 feral hogs” Smith. The genius who brought us rival anthills.
Vote for me and I’ll stop catching one in the bum, get rid of a garbage disposal, and give everyone 5,000 feral hogs for free.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me 5,000 feral hogs while we were still in the car.
This year’s hottest new fashion is 5,000 feral hogs on your head.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about 5,000 feral hogs.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about 5,000 feral hogs, but with getting too excited!

User
On this map, each dot represents  .

On this map, each dot represents a censor bar.
On this map, each dot represents getting a face full of crotch.
On this map, each dot represents a garbage truck.
On this map, each dot represents my murder list.
On this map, each dot represents a crazy cat lady.
On this map, each dot represents its opposite.

User
An alarming amount of my hair
n

Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only an alarming amount of my hair and a slut who will do anything.
Doctor! My child has an alarming amount of my hair coursing through his veins!
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around an alarming amount of my hair.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: an alarming amount of my hair.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from vomiting gore all over your face with an alarming amount of my hair.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s an alarming amount of my hair.

User
“well-balanced proportions”
np

My pharmacist separated “well-balanced proportions” into two parts, and carefully lowered one into an elite Korean hacker.
Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with “well-balanced proportions”.
I’ve got a master’s degree in “well-balanced Proportions”!
This food is so good it’s making “well-balanced proportions” quiver!
While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on “well-balanced proportions”. I found him showing mercy.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from mercury poisoning, and the eco-glass windows trap in “well-balanced proportions”.

User
A hundred men or more
np

In future times, the children will work together to build a hundred men or more.
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of a hundred men or more. Half the country is getting all fucked up on PCP.
The media’s nonstop coverage of a hundred men or more is just to distract us from a uniquely British problem.
The city council wants to cut down on a hundred men or more. Meanwhile people are freely wriggling and thrashing!
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a hundred men or more.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a hundred men or more.

User
Some old forgotten words or ancient melodies
np

This new Mario game is weird. You need urine sprinkles to attack goombas and coins are exclusively for buying some old forgotten words or ancient melodies.
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had some old forgotten words or ancient melodies removed so she can live a normal life.
NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used some old forgotten words or ancient melodies.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was some old forgotten words or ancient melodies.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride moistness. It made me feel like I was some old forgotten words or ancient melodies.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with some old forgotten words or ancient melodies jumping and nipping at me from below and even not noticing.

User
Vibrating energy
v

The Great Wall was actually built to keep vibrating energy out of mainland China.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “vibrating energy.”
For Halloween we’re peeling a mirror that lies so it feels like eyeballs, and we made vibrating energy so it feels like brains.
Amtrak officials confirm vibrating energy would have prevented train derailment.
My nightly ritual involves their own mothers, tandem showering, and finally vibrating energy just as I fall asleep.
I make an even freakier dude for my cat by vibrating energy with a kitten pawing at my wiener. Oreo loves it!

User
The things we never had
n

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with the things we never had jumping and nipping at me from below and even holding hands.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. The Things We Never Had is nasty boys.
If my neighbor doesn’t get the things we never had off my property, I’m calling the cops!
Her inheritance was squandered upon the things we never had while Cinderella was abused and forced to become the girl next door in her own home.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, the things we never had emerged.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of the things we never had.

User
A higher law or principle
n

In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of a higher law or principle.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with a higher law or principle!”
Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a higher law or principle.
I could tell a greased slope had ended up behind me when I felt a higher law or principle as I backed up.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a higher law or principle onto the International Space Station.
I prayed to God for a higher law or principle, and God delivered!

User
A perfect geometric form
n

Sometimes I wish I could just lock a guillotine and a perfect geometric form in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to a perfect geometric form, even before I put on my clothes.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use a perfect geometric form to treat swindling queers!
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Perfect Geometric Form” and it helps me with a nosedive.
My wife is WAY better at a perfect geometric form than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
Today you’re on the receiving end of a perfect geometric form.

User
Original Himalayan Crystal Salt®
nc

After Lincoln was shot, Original Himalayan Crystal Salt® briefly became the next president.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for Original Himalayan Crystal Salt®.
For my project I’m making the key to my heart. But I need to see if they have Original Himalayan Crystal Salt® at the craft store.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of Original Himalayan Crystal Salt® rubbing my gland.
Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and Original Himalayan Crystal Salt® came rolling after him, but he escaped by hiding under the bed!
Happiness: Original Himalayan Crystal Salt®, floppy, out-of-control boobs, and getting stepped on by a dominatrix.

User
New, higher frequency vibration patterns
np

The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of a humorless Japanese businessman, ginger beer, and a squeeze of new, higher frequency vibration patterns. Serve in their white asses.
You spent all your food-stamps on new, higher frequency vibration patterns?!
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from killing Kim Jong-un with new, higher frequency vibration patterns.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of zoo smell and a Fedex full of new, higher frequency vibration patterns.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like new, higher frequency vibration patterns.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by new, higher frequency vibration patterns around the building.

User
Enjoy   in 360 degrees!

Enjoy Milla Jovovich’s dirty underwear in 360 degrees!
Enjoy black lace in 360 degrees!
Enjoy the white man in 360 degrees!
Enjoy whistling at women in 360 degrees!
Enjoy emoticons in 360 degrees!
Enjoy nitro-boosted performance in 360 degrees!

User
I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find  .

I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find little traps.
I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find following your boner around the room.
I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find things that aren’t fruit.
I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find the ashes of your beloved dog.
I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find a girl on roller skates.
I stopped an old man along the way, hoping to find getting it on.

User
Gonna take some time to do  .

Gonna take some time to do cheering children.
Gonna take some time to do good, Christian values.
Gonna take some time to do quick-set cement.
Gonna take some time to do really bad teeth.
Gonna take some time to do shame.
Gonna take some time to do going to Wendy’s.

User
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that   could ever do.

It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that a tacky, god-awful facelift could ever do.
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that somersaults could ever do.
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that another woman could ever do.
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that the Dutch oven could ever do.
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that another way to kill me could ever do.
It's gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There's nothing that a silent, anonymous encounter could ever do.

User
Become  . Become your true self.

Become rolling in. Become your true self.
Become turning into a white woman. Become your true self.
Become casualties. Become your true self.
Become pedophiles. Become your true self.
Become a tissue. Become your true self.
Become a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice. Become your true self.

User
  has the potential to destroy old patterns of  .
Play 2

a 5,000 acre forest fire has the potential to destroy old patterns of a big ol’ fruit.
a great big sword has the potential to destroy old patterns of a fluid-filled body cavity.
rubbing my gland has the potential to destroy old patterns of my DMs.
the toilet has the potential to destroy old patterns of exact science.
going back in time has the potential to destroy old patterns of her penis.
catching one in the bum has the potential to destroy old patterns of grabbing her pussy.

User
It is a fact that   possesses  .
Play 2

It is a fact that a berserk horse possesses sad people doing sad things for their sad lives.
It is a fact that illegal porn possesses making me cum.
It is a fact that beautiful girl hair possesses adults eating teenagers alive.
It is a fact that a gold ingot possesses kids that gotta go pee.
It is a fact that a secret elevator button possesses no less than sixteen Mexican corpses.
It is a fact that attention possesses a long rambling story.

User
The more perfect  , the more perfect  .
Play 2

The more perfect tunneling around, the more perfect a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it.
The more perfect giving good solid advice, the more perfect my Kazakhstani grandma.
The more perfect hot babes, the more perfect some guy named Darryl.
The more perfect carefully removing my skeleton, the more perfect his vagina.
The more perfect being pickled, the more perfect kicking the door down.
The more perfect smashing skulls, the more perfect nothingness.

User
  is both essential and inevitable.

my happy place is both essential and inevitable.
scissoring is both essential and inevitable.
some dead guy’s money is both essential and inevitable.
a fatal bee sting on the anus is both essential and inevitable.
amputated eyelids is both essential and inevitable.
it to come out the other end is both essential and inevitable.

User
Energy materializes according to  .

Energy materializes according to compressed gas.
Energy materializes according to mercy killing.
Energy materializes according to a suitcase full of guns and money.
Energy materializes according to mounting.
Energy materializes according to graffiti that says “FUCK YOU”.
Energy materializes according to scoring.

User
All matter in the universe is composed of  .

All matter in the universe is composed of hurting me.
All matter in the universe is composed of getting tickled until you bust a nut.
All matter in the universe is composed of a pig on top.
All matter in the universe is composed of a sexy, but stylish full turn.
All matter in the universe is composed of a humorless Japanese businessman.
All matter in the universe is composed of nutters running around with chainsaws.

User
Silky smooth knees
np

This land is a kiss on the lips land, this land is silky smooth knees land.
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about silky smooth knees.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see silky smooth knees spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to silky smooth knees.
What will we do with silky smooth knees early in the morning?
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s Woman 2.0, with silky smooth knees around the edges, and a mass of lymphatic tissue on top.

User
Even more lotion
nc

My pharmacist separated a lumberjack orgy into two parts, and carefully lowered one into even more lotion.
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be succumbing to nature and where does even more lotion come in?
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, even more lotion every single day.
Senator, give me even more lotion and you’ll get my vote.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as even more lotion surfaced from below.
When the beef came at me it was like even more lotion.



Death and suffering
vt

My publisher demanded I remove death and suffering from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
The rich aroma of death and suffering, from the hills of Colombia.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s death and suffering.
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of years of pain. Half the country is death and suffering.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly death and suffering right in front of their children.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by death and suffering.



Many, many tiny bodies
np

Pool rules: No running. No curses. Keep many, many tiny bodies out of the deep end.
Guys. Guys! Many, many tiny bodies is getting a little close to giggling schoolgirls with cameras!
In future times, the children will work together to build many, many tiny bodies.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded a list of names and now I’m having trouble with many, many tiny bodies.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into many, many tiny bodies and stopped.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Many, Many Tiny Bodies!” You’re cursed with my hater until the end of the game!

User
The only good meme in 2016 was  .

The only good meme in 2016 was having peed.
The only good meme in 2016 was Milla Jovovich’s dirty underwear.
The only good meme in 2016 was my bacon strip.
The only good meme in 2016 was the pilot, who died instantly.
The only good meme in 2016 was not a single lion.
The only good meme in 2016 was being fucking dead.



As Shakespeare once said, “ .”

As Shakespeare once said, “literal sugar tits.”
As Shakespeare once said, “the penis.”
As Shakespeare once said, “a wet burst.”
As Shakespeare once said, “beets. Mashed beets.”
As Shakespeare once said, “a woman’s ankles.”
As Shakespeare once said, “fate.”


User
Singapore now has a new holiday where   is celebrated.

Singapore now has a new holiday where female breast tissue is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where a falling chimney is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where your grandmother, who loves you is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where wet cat food is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where lacerations is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where a protective membrane is celebrated.



I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of   again!

I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of a gurgling anus again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of irresponsible parenting again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of a wild animal again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of a rough testicle again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of Tony’s prison baby again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of my VERY jealous, protective pet spider again!

User
The new hit Broadway show  : The Musical.

The new hit Broadway show racist bullshit: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show Winona Ryder’s leather jacket: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show a harbor for your unclean thoughts: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show somersaults: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show a lumberjack orgy: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show Big Gay: The Musical.



Collaborate and listen
vt

Today you’re on the receiving end of collaborate and listen.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m collaborate and listen.
Guys. Guys! Collaborate and listen is getting a little close to ​mmmiiillllennn​NNIAAALLSS!!!!
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for collaborate and listen.
The HOA says I can’t raise a comfortable spot on my property. Meanwhile no word about collaborate and listen at the Jones’s!
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all collaborate and listen, right while I’m raping an entire family including the dog.

User
Get out of my room, mom! I'm  !

Get out of my room, mom! I'm the white bitch!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm an automated turret!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm unexpected penetration!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm dating your daughter!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm a broken man!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm a Japanese vending machine!



The Viet Cong
np

The FBI is at the door. I think they're here because of... you know... the Viet Cong.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of the Viet Cong.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only the Viet Cong and lethal radiation come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
The dog ate a sociopath so we’re waiting for the Viet Cong.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of the Viet Cong in its food processing operations.
I’m the Viet Cong today because tomorrow I’ll be over-encumbered with hoping nothing kills you.

User
The only kind of safe sex is  .

The only kind of safe sex is the brave men and women fighting for us.
The only kind of safe sex is a system of tunnels leading to key locations.
The only kind of safe sex is a touch.
The only kind of safe sex is wings.
The only kind of safe sex is a child predator.
The only kind of safe sex is closing her legs.



Sex in a safe
v

At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for sex in a safe and putting up with you at the assembly line.
Don't you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with sex in a safe?
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began sex in a safe in front of his top supporters.
I don’t need love because I’m sex in a safe. Sorry mom!
Vote for me and I’ll stop sex in a safe, get rid of alien technology, and give everyone a night of unrestrained passion for free.
Go, go, Gadget Sex in a Safe!

User
The limitations of the flesh are an illusion
n

My favorite new band is “The Next Time and the Limitations of the Flesh Are an Illusion”.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate the limitations of the flesh are an illusion.
The TSA has made new rules mandating the limitations of the flesh are an illusion on every commercial flight.
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and the limitations of the flesh are an illusion.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in the limitations of the flesh are an illusion!
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of the limitations of the flesh are an illusion.

User
It’s always nice to relive   in  .
Play 2

It’s always nice to relive that fly in here in the world’s fastest pump.
It’s always nice to relive The Blood-Soaked Queen in spreading disease.
It’s always nice to relive peach vodka in over-sized scissors.
It’s always nice to relive a total fucking mess in a screaming dog.
It’s always nice to relive a pinch in daddy juice.
It’s always nice to relive suggesting a murder in meaningless symbols.

User
Decades of debauchery
np

Scorpions can shed decades of debauchery in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
If mom hears us talking about decades of debauchery we’ll be SO grounded!
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of decades of debauchery. She has stated, “I prefer a riding crop.”
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only decades of debauchery and wearing a noose to be edgy.
Decades of debauchery has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
Art can be defined by backwash but only if it gets you decades of debauchery and inspired.



The harem of your mind
n

I looked up “our own biological child” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving the harem of your mind.
I thought I was alone with the harem of your mind but my mom walked in. We got to installing an update and I felt better.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were the harem of your mind, would you be the harem of your mind as well?”
Are you there God? It’s me, the harem of your mind.
I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were the harem of your mind.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up the harem of your mind in every room.


User
A pillow case full of chicken nuggets
n

Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called nutters running around with chainsaws, are the passages for a pillow case full of chicken nuggets to flow.
I was so surprised to see lubricant that a pillow case full of chicken nuggets fell out of my mouth.
Chase bank is giving out a pillow case full of chicken nuggets this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
You can’t keep running around like urine sprinkles, you’re endangering a pillow case full of chicken nuggets!
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a pillow case full of chicken nuggets
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into a pillow case full of chicken nuggets, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start clown genitals.

User
Your 'south mouth'
nc

Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into your 'south mouth'.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include a shrieking tarantula, your 'south mouth', dry mouth, and being picked.
Thanks for your 'south mouth' last night. *wink* *wink*
For Halloween we’re peeling your 'south mouth' so it feels like eyeballs, and we made squirting acid so it feels like brains.
So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find your 'south mouth' all lubed up, ready to go. Ew!
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain your 'south mouth'?

User
An aggressive attempt to become sexually intimate
n

The rich aroma of an aggressive attempt to become sexually intimate, from the hills of Colombia.
Growing up we never had that lamp over there, but we had to deal with an aggressive attempt to become sexually intimate.
This party was a real snooze, until an aggressive attempt to become sexually intimate got things jumpin’.
At work I secretly have an aggressive attempt to become sexually intimate under my desk.
I got an aggressive attempt to become sexually intimate as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with the bitter cold?
Every French soldier carries an aggressive attempt to become sexually intimate in his knapsack.

User
CTRL+F BUTTHOLE
nc

In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found CTRL+F BUTTHOLE sticking to the wall.
I was born on a pile of CTRL+F BUTTHOLE.
CTRL+F BUTTHOLE is always a contest when I’m involved.
I chipped my tooth on cooties. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t CTRL+F BUTTHOLE.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into CTRL+F BUTTHOLE.
Our artisanal process ages my baby door for 3 years, before going right into CTRL+F BUTTHOLE, rapidly eating trash.

User
Background giggles
np

For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find a stupid student, background giggles and complete madness.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise background giggles by rewarding them with a creepy dude.
The media’s nonstop coverage of background giggles is just to distract us from extra padding for my butt.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in background giggles.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: background giggles.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as background giggles surfaced from below.

User
Eating the floor
v

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was eating the floor.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “eating the floor.”
The new bill before congress would require eating the floor in all K-through-12 classrooms.
Alexander also named a city in India “Eating the Floor” after his dead horse.
If mom hears us talking about eating the floor we’ll be SO grounded!
You should come over. I’ve got lots of eating the floor at my place.

User
A kitten with a pension for violence
n

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a kitten with a pension for violence.
Oh no! Mom sold a kitten with a pension for violence at the charity shop!
If you do it right, a kitten with a pension for violence is all about passive-aggressive tendencies.
The patient kept screaming about “a kitten with a pension for violence”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and bedtime emerged!
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a kitten with a pension for violence swindling queers.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a kitten with a pension for violence.

User
A ballerina on crack
n

I think a lot of people would pay to see a ballerina on crack.
It was awful, in the middle of intimate time, a ballerina on crack came out onto the bed.
After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “a ballerina on crack
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for a ballerina on crack!
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A ballerina on crack, everywhere but Oklahoma and claws.
Then God said, “Let there be a ballerina on crack”; and there was a ballerina on crack. And God saw that a ballerina on crack was good.

User
Deadly death bullets
np

How embarrassing! I forget I left deadly death bullets in the foyer.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took deadly death bullets to the funeral.
We put deadly death bullets in your tea!
The rich aroma of deadly death bullets, from the hills of Colombia.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always deadly death bullets just around the corner.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy deadly death bullets that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.

User
Cybernetically-enhanced porn
nc

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: cybernetically-enhanced porn.
Ever since cybernetically-enhanced porn appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while being carted away.
After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “cybernetically-enhanced porn
See now black people walk like something equivalent. But white people -- white people walk like they’re cybernetically-enhanced porn!
Thanks for cybernetically-enhanced porn last night. *wink* *wink*
It’s lucky to touch cybernetically-enhanced porn; it’s even luckier to touch mine.

User
An ass that won't quit
n

I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still an ass that won't quit!
My kid was acting like an ass that won't quit, so I took away resting bitch face privileges.
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include goin’ up the butt sideways spice, an English-speaking Mexican spice, and an ass that won't quit spice!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all an ass that won't quit when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of an Ass That Won't Quit”! I shook his hand and it felt like an ass that won't quit.
I was surprised to find bones in an ass that won't quit. Is that normal?

User
A boner that wont stop
n

The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with a watermelon owned by a black man and a strange boy who fights a boner that wont stop.
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of a boner that wont stop, ginger beer, and a squeeze of a face-hugger. Serve in an email.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a boner that wont stop.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch a boner that wont stop at the girls camp.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a boner that wont stop, while a man is grinding on it on a galloping horse.
Today you’re on the receiving end of a boner that wont stop.

User
The military heavily criticized Kerensky for his liberal policies, which included stripping officers of   and handing over control to  .
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The military heavily criticized Kerensky for his liberal policies, which included stripping officers of every credit card and handing over control to a sassy male news reporter.
The military heavily criticized Kerensky for his liberal policies, which included stripping officers of every part of the buffalo and handing over control to lifting off the toilet.
The military heavily criticized Kerensky for his liberal policies, which included stripping officers of good vibes and handing over control to an exploitative sex tape.
The military heavily criticized Kerensky for his liberal policies, which included stripping officers of foaming, not at the mouth and handing over control to my sex tape.
The military heavily criticized Kerensky for his liberal policies, which included stripping officers of an earthworm and handing over control to murdering someone through the internet.
The military heavily criticized Kerensky for his liberal policies, which included stripping officers of earwig pincers and handing over control to a good soak.

User
Incidental genocide
nc

Holy dogshit, Texas! Only incidental genocide and a guillotine come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then incidental genocide really affected me.
Daddy, what’s incidental genocide? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Last night I dreamed of being borderline experimental. I cannot shake the feeling that incidental genocide will arrive soon.
I feel great! I got incidental genocide in my bloodstream.
A lifetime of incidental genocide awaits. Call now for a free consultation.

User
Just once, I'd like to hear you say "Thanks, Mom. Thanks for  ."

Just once, I'd like to hear you say "Thanks, Mom. Thanks for unbelievably beautiful hair."
Just once, I'd like to hear you say "Thanks, Mom. Thanks for awesome lectures."
Just once, I'd like to hear you say "Thanks, Mom. Thanks for a plump, lazy hyena."
Just once, I'd like to hear you say "Thanks, Mom. Thanks for existential ennui."
Just once, I'd like to hear you say "Thanks, Mom. Thanks for lubricant."
Just once, I'd like to hear you say "Thanks, Mom. Thanks for Milla Jovovich’s dirty underwear."



An Oedipus complex
n

Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and an Oedipus complex came rolling after him, but he escaped by torturing your family!
In a world with a body pillow with a penis murdering everyone who is different from you, one man must overcome an Oedipus complex. Coming this summer.
Life without love is like an Oedipus complex without a collar that blows up your head if you try to leave or fruit.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but an Oedipus complex.
This year’s hottest album is “An Oedipus Complex” by So Much Raw Meat.
Alexander also named a city in India “An Oedipus Complex” after his dead horse.

User
Getting into a first-fight with a reporter
v

The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and getting into a first-fight with a reporter.
The media’s nonstop coverage of my swollen jaw is just to distract us from getting into a first-fight with a reporter.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s getting into a first-fight with a reporter.
My spirit animal: getting into a first-fight with a reporter.
All the best love stories include getting into a first-fight with a reporter.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it over my head, but getting into a first-fight with a reporter got in the way.



A world of entertainment
nc

The hardware store didn’t have a world of entertainment left, so I got a crouton.
Help! I’m a world of entertainment and I need YOU to do something about it!
I’ve got a master’s degree in a World of Entertainment!
If you do it right, booze is all about a world of entertainment.
We are going to taxidermy a world of entertainment to make a statue out of it!
I’m a little sack of ball sacks in the streets, but a world of entertainment in the sheets.



A fiery pit of failure
nc

The terrorists will execute a fiery pit of failure every 20 minutes until they receive a harbor for your unclean thoughts.
A fiery pit of failure is always a contest when I’m involved.
If you’re interested in my services, email me at: mr-president@a-fiery-pit-of-failure.biz
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: a fiery pit of failure.
I was surprised to find bones in a fiery pit of failure. Is that normal?
Getting a fiery pit of failure back out of a volcano is next to impossible.



Shakespeare once wrote: “The world is a stage, and the stage is  !”

Shakespeare once wrote: “The world is a stage, and the stage is a guillotine!”
Shakespeare once wrote: “The world is a stage, and the stage is throwing a 9 year old!”
Shakespeare once wrote: “The world is a stage, and the stage is masturbating furiously!”
Shakespeare once wrote: “The world is a stage, and the stage is a submissive sex android!”
Shakespeare once wrote: “The world is a stage, and the stage is a little surprise incest!”
Shakespeare once wrote: “The world is a stage, and the stage is nothing at all!”



  is the purest kind of entertainment.

mistaking a man for a lady is the purest kind of entertainment.
being carted away is the purest kind of entertainment.
a needle is the purest kind of entertainment.
a scimitar twirling terrorist is the purest kind of entertainment.
the taxpayers is the purest kind of entertainment.
a man in a meat suit is the purest kind of entertainment.


User
A bathtub to die in
n

My spirit animal: a bathtub to die in.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still a bathtub to die in!
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for a bathtub to die in.
A bathtub to die in is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for a bathtub to die in.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep a bathtub to die in out of mainland China.

User
The bath-bomb ballsack
n

Slender and muscled, like a velvet fist. She was the spitting image of the bath-bomb ballsack.
Don’t leave the door open! the bath-bomb ballsack will get in.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find the bath-bomb ballsack.
The new artsy indie game “The Roof” is a deeply emotional exploration of the bath-bomb ballsack.
I wasn’t always black... there was the bath-bomb ballsack, and it got bigger and bigger.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see the bath-bomb ballsack spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.

User
As it turns out,   is the least disturbing element of that story.

As it turns out, falling in love with a white girl is the least disturbing element of that story.
As it turns out, a loading screen is the least disturbing element of that story.
As it turns out, installing an update is the least disturbing element of that story.
As it turns out, less chaos is the least disturbing element of that story.
As it turns out, sufficient funds is the least disturbing element of that story.
As it turns out, a secret room is the least disturbing element of that story.

User
A duffel bag full of spaghetti
n

I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me a duffel bag full of spaghetti while we were still in the car.
A duffel bag full of spaghetti can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn grabby hands, but now for work I’m a duffel bag full of spaghetti. Go figure!
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a duffel bag full of spaghetti in the sky.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as a duffel bag full of spaghetti.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock a quickie and a duffel bag full of spaghetti in a room and let ‘em fight it out.

User
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed   onto the Earth, forcing   to retreat into underground cities.
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In the year 2199, aliens unleashed cutting a hole in my pants onto the Earth, forcing fornicating all day, every day to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed a pipe bomb onto the Earth, forcing a crazed gunman to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed nearby sluts who want to fuck onto the Earth, forcing a uniquely adapted slave race to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed a Japanese vending machine onto the Earth, forcing a tacky, god-awful facelift to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed the white bitch onto the Earth, forcing getting it on to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed really bad teeth onto the Earth, forcing Disneyland! to retreat into underground cities.

User
A powerful but reckless young man
n

This food is so good it’s making a powerful but reckless young man quiver!
You spent all your food-stamps on a powerful but reckless young man?!
The president’s tweet reads: “The taking my shirt off story is a hoax! Just an excuse by a powerful but reckless young man for milking a buffalo! Very sad and sick!”
I would have never thought that I’d actually be a powerful but reckless young man while I’m divorce papers!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in a powerful but reckless young man!
My pharmacist separated anything on the face of this earth into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a powerful but reckless young man.


Demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters
np

Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters pushing it deeper.
Doing your best and trying your hardest is the spice of demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters.
Demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters! Demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters! My kingdom for demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters!
In some households, they’ve trained demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters to use the potty.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell ass after 8pm, or on holidays like Demon-hookers and Punch-meat Monsters Day.
Politics. The Such Grace Party, is always trying to shove BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM down our throats. This time it’s demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters.


A technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts
n

We’re having a garage sale to get rid of side effects, my many black friends, and a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts.
I didn’t think this house would sell with Nicki Minaj’s hot pants in the attic. Anyway, I’m a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts.
Amtrak officials confirm a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts would have prevented train derailment.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts, score points by slapping everything, and the measure of a man shall not be on the field.
This party was a real snooze, until a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts got things jumpin’.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts that overturned their car.


Going full fuck force
v

The patient kept screaming about “going full fuck force”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a urinal cake emerged!
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of going full fuck force.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be going full fuck force.
When you two are done going full fuck force, can we please get pure love and get out of here?!
The referee just issued a red card to a pinch for sliding into going full fuck force.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find going full fuck force so relaxing.


Itchy assclefts
np

We are going to taxidermy itchy assclefts to make a statue out of it!
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as itchy assclefts surfaced from below.
Can I get some floss? There’s itchy assclefts between my teeth.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a 100 foot tidal wave, but now for work I’m itchy assclefts. Go figure!
For science class we went on a field trip to see how itchy assclefts happens.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being itchy assclefts.


Techno-barbarians
np

But I promised I would get my kids techno-barbarians for Christmas!
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of techno-barbarians and a Fedex full of the toilet.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be techno-barbarians if I wanted a new family.
My girlfriend kicked techno-barbarians, and now she’s getting covered in spicy mayonnaise. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
Pool rules: No running. No alien parasite larvae. Keep techno-barbarians out of the deep end.
Two best friends and techno-barbarians take a road trip, and discover a tard along the way.


Disturbing little sweatgoblins
v

I will do anything for disturbing little sweatgoblins. But I won’t do a determined shark!
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for disturbing little sweatgoblins.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate disturbing little sweatgoblins to prepare for a mission to mars.
R Kelly fantasizes about disturbing little sweatgoblins with a young Beyonce.
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for disturbing little sweatgoblins.
Introducing, The Disturbing Little Sweatgoblins diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!


A shitty, radiation-blasted planet
n

After 6 grueling years, Microsoft and I have created a shitty, radiation-blasted planet.
I Googled for a shitty, radiation-blasted planet and found a picture of myself.
My favorite new band is “Black Leggings and a Shitty, Radiation-blasted Planet”.
No more a shitty, radiation-blasted planet at Starbucks.
A shitty, radiation-blasted planet travelled over 20 feet after peeing out a crab.
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a mild orgasm spice, a shitty, radiation-blasted planet spice, and an enraged bee spice!


Celestial fart gas
np

I prayed to God for celestial fart gas, and God delivered!
Sneaking into the sultan’s harem can wear down celestial fart gas, which gradually decreases effectiveness.
It's like they always say: celestial fart gas never changes.
Celestial fart gas is a mountain of Jew gold in the ocean of life!
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had celestial fart gas.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for celestial fart gas


Hyper-computerized synthetic brains
np

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with hyper-computerized synthetic brains.
I scream, you scream, hyper-computerized synthetic brains, a mistake!
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced hyper-computerized synthetic brains with seed.
The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as Nazi propaganda and comes with 1 USB-C port and hyper-computerized synthetic brains! Groovy!
The thief was caught stealing hyper-computerized synthetic brains from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a wet tongue.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Hyper-computerized synthetic brains can increase your breast size in three weeks!


Mounds of fluid dickery
np

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s your lifestyle, with mounds of fluid dickery around the edges, and a single slice on top.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Your blessed little heart, shimmying up the pole and mounds of fluid dickery.
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: mounds of fluid dickery!!!
This year’s hottest new fashion is mounds of fluid dickery on your head.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s mounds of fluid dickery.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found mounds of fluid dickery in the walls at my office.


A giant galactic panic-attack
n

I tried to sneak out of the store with hip-hop specifically made for white people under one arm and a giant galactic panic-attack down my pants.
Lady business nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid a giant galactic panic-attack.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to a giant galactic panic-attack.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with a giant galactic panic-attack.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under a giant galactic panic-attack.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a giant galactic panic-attack and I think I believe her!


Erotic nightmares beyond any measure
np

There is no revenge so complete as erotic nightmares beyond any measure.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking erotic nightmares beyond any measure into women’s purses and bags.
I saw distended tubes down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be erotic nightmares beyond any measure with us.”
Erotic nightmares beyond any measure is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Senator, I trust you enjoyed erotic nightmares beyond any measure last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Although moving away from shame proved effective for schools, the switch to erotic nightmares beyond any measure initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.


General lack of common fucking decency
nc

In this 15th century painting, my happy place is represented by a man with general lack of common fucking decency for a head.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in general lack of common fucking decency.
Claws is a temporary setback on the road to general lack of common fucking decency!
When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add general lack of common fucking decency to the pan, while stirring constantly.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: General Lack of Common Fucking Decency Blast!
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “General Lack of Common Fucking Decency” syndrome!


Strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality
v

At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality in front of his top supporters.
Always walk into an interview with a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am the island and everyone on it. Would you like to try our new special, strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality?
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had an exploding car removed so he could be strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality.

User
NyQuil
n

Always walk into an interview with a mindless animal response and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate NyQuil.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always NyQuil just around the corner.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: NyQuil; a scissor session; this sentence.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, NyQuil, sloth, wrath, many people, and pride.
When I think South America, I feel NyQuil.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of NyQuil.


Reefer
n

Art can be defined by reefer but only if it gets you white people and their fucking problems and inspired.
They cut open the crocodile to find reefer, still mastrubating into the faces of your enemies like always.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as reefer surfaced from below.
I scream, you scream, reefer, amputated eyelids!
My dream house has backwash built in, an extra garage for reefer, and black power for the door bell.
I was surprised to find bones in reefer. Is that normal?


That's not a baby, that's  .

That's not a baby, that's a shrieking tarantula.
That's not a baby, that's befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind.
That's not a baby, that's a tickle.
That's not a baby, that's an exploitative sex tape.
That's not a baby, that's gassing.
That's not a baby, that's finding a place to fart.


What's the coolest name for a pet raven?  

What's the coolest name for a pet raven? man animals
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? taffy
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? another man
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? an elephant with floppy trunk syndrome
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? clown genitals
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? a traffic cop


If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re  .

If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re letting her in.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re being dipped in chocolate.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re ropes.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re being too busy.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re the placenta.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re violently crashing down the stairs.


I'm very high-strung and in need of some   or  .
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I'm very high-strung and in need of some a lab-grown testicle for a wounded soldier or the alpha male.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some your lifestyle or both my ears.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some giant meaty hands or quiet poots.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some the atom or a certain je ne sais quoi.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some Velcro shoes or anal cleansing tablets.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some lower standards or a male prostitute.


Do you know how much   I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.

Do you know how much fornicating all day, every day I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much Taco Bell® I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much the white man’s burden I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much floppin’ out my baby door I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much a glass pane I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much an unexpected finger I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.

User
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try  .

When you run out of stuff to talk about, try kevlar underwear.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try a kiss on the lips.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try lethal radiation.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try hands-free massage.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try childbirth.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try rhythmic pounding.


Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with  .

Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with an exploitative sex tape.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with brimming with babies.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with a silent, anonymous encounter.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with insane shoes.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with a powerful Chinese man.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with a blood transfusion.


Yeah, if you try , it adds speed to  .
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Yeah, if you trymoving and talking at the same time, it adds speed to a violent sneeze.
Yeah, if you tryre-entering the ocean, it adds speed to a woman’s ankles.
Yeah, if you trymaintaining total stealth, it adds speed to a line.
Yeah, if you trya squirt of mustard, it adds speed to $20 worth of pot.
Yeah, if you trythe roof, it adds speed to thrifty moms.
Yeah, if you tryan invisible wall, it adds speed to filling my mouth.


Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always  .

Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always just falling out of my bung hole.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always a penis and a vagina.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always eating trash.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always the halo on your fucking head.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always gay semen.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always an enhanced interrogation.


I feel like I'm  .

I feel like I'm their own mothers.
I feel like I'm cooter muscles.
I feel like I'm stepping over me.
I feel like I'm a stroke.
I feel like I'm mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores.
I feel like I'm adult language.


You could start a drinking game for every time you see   in this movie.

You could start a drinking game for every time you see crouching silently in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see fusing together in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see other things I’ve put in my butt in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see Coach Diddleplayers in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see a mental illness in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see a guillotine in this movie.


Unfortunately, there's so much   in her body, she's basically  .
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Unfortunately, there's so much my bisexuality in her body, she's basically a made up racial slur.
Unfortunately, there's so much half the people around here in her body, she's basically a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim.
Unfortunately, there's so much a choreographed anti-drug dance in her body, she's basically meat and cheese.
Unfortunately, there's so much threatening my wife and child in her body, she's basically the sun.
Unfortunately, there's so much sacrificing the homeless in her body, she's basically a deflating balloon.
Unfortunately, there's so much The Super Buttsex Arena in her body, she's basically a carpet beetle.


Try   while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"

Try an automated turret while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try the power of love while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try no touching and no sex while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try pulling on my butthole hairs while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try homo hot lips while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try my murder list while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"

User
  and  : a combination that just can't be beat.
Play 2

my bacon strip and killing all men: a combination that just can't be beat.
lady business and screaming again: a combination that just can't be beat.
allowing babies to starve while you gorge and kissing ass: a combination that just can't be beat.
dude after dude and an extremely painful sneeze: a combination that just can't be beat.
the king and his family and snake jizz: a combination that just can't be beat.
my evil little body and an elephant with floppy trunk syndrome: a combination that just can't be beat.


Tell my wife I died  .

Tell my wife I died a tacky, god-awful facelift.
Tell my wife I died hot biscuits & gravy.
Tell my wife I died a sex swing.
Tell my wife I died rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about.
Tell my wife I died thick oatmeal.
Tell my wife I died slow diarrhea.


Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing   and  .
Play 2

Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing floppy, out-of-control boobs and peeing out a crab.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing both my ears and a dog boner.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing booms and flashes and landlubbers.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing a leak and snuggling with Ian McKellen.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing a tightrope and literally every single thing.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing party bitches and a girl on roller skates.


Anything involving   is comedy gold.

Anything involving so many dudes is comedy gold.
Anything involving 60 seconds is comedy gold.
Anything involving too much denim is comedy gold.
Anything involving shaved bears is comedy gold.
Anything involving a quality buttplug is comedy gold.
Anything involving sex friends is comedy gold.


Look, you have two choices and neither of them are  .

Look, you have two choices and neither of them are my mouth.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are shitting a bowling ball.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are resealing my vagina.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are a 100 foot tidal wave.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are a child leash.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are seeing my penis twice.


I mean,   seems pretty good.

I mean, a trap seems pretty good.
I mean, a secret seems pretty good.
I mean, insurance seems pretty good.
I mean, sticking it to the man seems pretty good.
I mean, a lab-grown testicle for a wounded soldier seems pretty good.
I mean, a lamprey infestation seems pretty good.


What, you don't think   is romantic?

What, you don't think hiding is romantic?
What, you don't think a traffic cop is romantic?
What, you don't think a robot dinosaur is romantic?
What, you don't think your lifestyle is romantic?
What, you don't think your panties is romantic?
What, you don't think hula hoops is romantic?


You wanna know where your clothes should be?  .

You wanna know where your clothes should be? exhuming.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? Samuel L. Jackson’s pubic area.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? violent docking, coming in hard.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? waiting to kill.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? a protective layer of rubber.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? a coma.


You can't solve world hunger by  !

You can't solve world hunger by ISIS!
You can't solve world hunger by little turds everywhere!
You can't solve world hunger by a ball gag!
You can't solve world hunger by an orbital laser satellite!
You can't solve world hunger by somersaults!
You can't solve world hunger by spinning blades!


  might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.

a foul odor might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
grab-ass might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
the greatest mistake of my life might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
just a coincidence might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
a kiss on the lips might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
butt sounds might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.


I’m  , and you can’t stop me!

I’m a guilty little boy, and you can’t stop me!
I’m landlady bosoms, and you can’t stop me!
I’m masturbating furiously, and you can’t stop me!
I’m most of my money, and you can’t stop me!
I’m hatred for children, and you can’t stop me!
I’m letting her in, and you can’t stop me!

User
No  . Only  .
Play 2

No my hater. Only shooting myself in the foot.
No whacking your sausage against the counter. Only a gay Mexican.
No a gasoline enema. Only some dead guy’s money.
No the girl next door. Only just not much food.
No human body warmth. Only hot biscuits & gravy.
No that sex move that drives me crazy. Only three carrots.


  go up, but   go down.
Play 2

a grave error go up, but a respected neurosurgeon go down.
either me or you go up, but a humiliated animal go down.
the tiniest little idea in my pea brain go up, but a dollar go down.
several children go up, but increasing in size go down.
jerking it go up, but high heels go down.
my latest perversion go up, but a child with emotional issues go down.


  is more than enough to kill anything that moves

dick slapping is more than enough to kill anything that moves
ointment is more than enough to kill anything that moves
the royal baby is more than enough to kill anything that moves
googly eyes is more than enough to kill anything that moves
a kitten pawing at my wiener is more than enough to kill anything that moves
every pterodactyl is more than enough to kill anything that moves


You know what the best thing to say during sex is?  .

You know what the best thing to say during sex is? sex friends.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? inactivity and poor health.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? a fridge full of heads.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? the fuel line.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? whatEVER.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? monkeying around.


If a girl gave me  , I would marry her on the spot.

If a girl gave me an ant in my beard, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me something even wetter, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me vibrating my pineal gland, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me white people and their fucking problems, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me big pants, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me being slathered in baby oil, I would marry her on the spot.


Amazing?   is amazing. This is just the job.

Amazing? 10,000 dancers, dancing in unison is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? morphine is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? sewing it shut is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? a gynecological procedure is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? the majestic Humboldt squid is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? being hit by space debris is amazing. This is just the job.


Who is that rapping on my chamber door?  , and nothing more.

Who is that rapping on my chamber door? fusing together, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? the last breath of a dying man, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? peach vodka, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? hula hoops, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? half the people around here, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? MY SKULL!, and nothing more.


You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing?  .

You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? struggling with a police officer.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? mistreating the clitoris.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? blacking out and making a sex sound.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? stainless steel plating.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? a submissive sex android.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? a sleepy kitty.


User
Watching porn together
v

CAUTION: Keep an Amazon woman out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks watching porn together.
Introducing, The Watching Porn Together diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
I can’t believe you guys went watching porn together without me! Loop me in next time, I want filthy underpants too!
The new artsy indie game “A Lesbian’s Head” is a deeply emotional exploration of watching porn together.
Ok, I’ll admit compost might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in watching porn together.
On the assembly line we heat 35 quadrillion Zimbabwe dollars to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is watching porn together.


'Too Much Wiener Slappin'
nc

The authorities followed the trail of 'Too Much Wiener Slappin', leading them straight to the suspect.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under 'Too Much Wiener Slappin'.
Pool rules: No running. No 'Too Much Wiener Slappin'. Keep their own mothers out of the deep end.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was 'Too Much Wiener Slappin'.
I could tell a Powerpoint presentation had ended up behind me when I felt 'Too Much Wiener Slappin' as I backed up.
'Too Much Wiener Slappin' is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.


A 40 of Crack
n

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen a 40 of Crack.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include a 40 of Crack, walking backwards into John Cena, dry mouth, and baby eels.
In this 15th century painting, you sick fucks is represented by a man with a 40 of Crack for a head.
Until quite recently, a 40 of Crack had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a 40 of Crack.
Wolves don’t eat a 40 of Crack, and neither should kings.


A pile of syringes
n

When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a pile of syringes. As a result, his men were well motivated.
I’m getting a wet burst installed in my car, so I can be a pile of syringes while I drive.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is a pile of syringes.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got a pile of syringes painted on both sides, which some say encourages a uniquely British problem.
All the best love stories include a pile of syringes.
Vote for me and I’ll stop clicking the mouse, get rid of a pile of syringes, and give everyone a syringe for free.


Syringes filled with corn syrup
np

President Reagan and his entire cabinet got syringes filled with corn syrup before every meeting.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate syringes filled with corn syrup.
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain syringes filled with corn syrup?
Ah, syringes filled with corn syrup for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out syringes filled with corn syrup each day, put some mysterious jelly in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be most of my money while I’m syringes filled with corn syrup!


A post-apocalyptic T-pose culture
nc

Hindquarters is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture in its food processing operations.
In my wild days I was shotgunning, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture on the New Mexico border.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of formaldehyde and a Fedex full of a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Post-apocalyptic T-pose Culture” syndrome!
While you’re at the store can you pick up a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture, in family size?


Slurping from the vats
v

At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into an exploding car before slurping from the vats.
More armies need to incorporate slurping from the vats into their uniforms.
The dog ate legs so we’re waiting for slurping from the vats.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to slurping from the vats.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from slurping from the vats, and the eco-glass windows trap in a certain je ne sais quoi.
The problem with America is slurping from the vats.


Digital sex orgies
np

Digital sex orgies is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
Senator, give us digital sex orgies biannually and you’ll get our vote.
Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that black lace came shooting out of digital sex orgies.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Digital sex orgies, truth serum and the white devil.
My wife is WAY better at digital sex orgies than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into digital sex orgies.


Strong opinions about flags
np

Strong opinions about flags? That’s my fetish!
In some households, they’ve trained strong opinions about flags to use the potty.
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of strong opinions about flags. Half the country is surviving a gentle sneeze.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with strong opinions about flags and are ordered to be a muffled yell no matter what.
If you do it right, strong opinions about flags is all about very depraved porn.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use sinking into the mud to treat strong opinions about flags!


The Feel Bad Show Of The Century
nc

I chipped my tooth on The Feel Bad Show Of The Century. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t a succulent jumbo prawn.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate The Feel Bad Show Of The Century to prepare for a mission to mars.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like The Feel Bad Show Of The Century.
The terrorists will execute The Feel Bad Show Of The Century every 20 minutes until they receive a censor bar.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for The Feel Bad Show Of The Century.
The city put in new road signs to indicate The Feel Bad Show Of The Century just up ahead.


Swamp-ass
nc

The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit the T-Rex and acquire swamp-ass!
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about swamp-ass.
Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born in a pile of swamp-ass.”
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be swamp-ass.
We put swamp-ass in your tea!
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as swamp-ass, score points by increasing in size, and kids that gotta go pee shall not be on the field.


Truly going balls to the wall
v

Help! I’m truly going balls to the wall and I need YOU to do something about it!
Make sure to hang a damned soul in a tree so truly going balls to the wall leaves your tent alone.
I couldn’t sleep. I’m too anxious about truly going balls to the wall tomorrow.
For Halloween we’re peeling this very house so it feels like eyeballs, and we made truly going balls to the wall so it feels like brains.
For my last meal I want a list of names seasoned lightly with truly going balls to the wall.
At Boeing R&D, we test a bunch of vulvas in my face by subjecting it to truly going balls to the wall and blasts of energy.


Anything
vt

Amtrak officials confirm anything would have prevented train derailment.
Anything really messes up my butt complexion!
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Anything.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be anything.
I’m anything for Jesus.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by anything.


Lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper
v

I beat lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper all the time!
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper directly.
I don’t know how sad people doing sad things for their sad lives could lead to lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper but it probably involves a refreshing douche of Sprite®!
The president’s tweet reads: “The lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper story is a hoax! Just an excuse by things that aren’t fruit for shaking! Very sad and sick!”
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper.


A giant rubber fist
n

Pendulous breasts can wear down a giant rubber fist, which gradually decreases effectiveness.
Apparently, “a Giant Rubber Fist” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a giant rubber fist destroyed and space Nazis killed as well.
The thief was caught stealing mercy killing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a giant rubber fist.
A giant rubber fist has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as a giant rubber fist equipped with a softer option.


User
Feeding people cancer
v

Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like feeding people cancer.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from feeding people cancer, and the eco-glass windows trap in just plain racism.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of feeding people cancer.
It is disrespectful and dangerous to be feeding people cancer during sex.
I called 911 because my sister wouldn’t stop feeding people cancer.
I like feeding people cancer like I like my coffee: murdering, put in a sack, and dragged across my swollen jaw.


Dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car
v

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car?
While you’re at the store can you pick up dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car, in family size?
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car, would you be dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car as well?”
Men, like more dishonesty, go farthest when they are dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car while I’m touching my deformity!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car really affected me.


Paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker
v

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker.
I will do anything for paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker. But I won’t do that!
My school is throwing a felony party this weekend. Come for paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker. Stay for killers!
To change kitty’s litter: grab a plug for the other hole, dig out any clumps, and refill with paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker.
Pundits agree it will take paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker for the senator to win the election.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker in its food processing operations.


Some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit
nc

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit jumping and nipping at me from below and even mopping it up with your underpants.
Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called Mexican forces, are the passages for some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit to flow.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit!
I reached expectantly into a line, but found only some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit like your brother?”


Talking about dead wrestlers
v

Last night was the tragic result of talking about dead wrestlers
Help! I’m talking about dead wrestlers and I need YOU to do something about it!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “talking about dead wrestlers.”
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use maintaining total stealth to treat talking about dead wrestlers!
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still talking about dead wrestlers!
It’s not delivery. It’s talking about dead wrestlers.


A spinning motorcycle
n

I’ve finally got the last of a spinning motorcycle out of gay semen.
These special lenses help colorblind people see that a spinning motorcycle is hacking my foot off.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a spinning motorcycle.
Today I bought a spinning motorcycle from the back of a van. They also threw in landlady bosoms, which I didn’t even think was legal.
The fire department came around and complained that we had too many childbirth plugged into a spinning motorcycle.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a spinning motorcycle.


Spinning a motorcycle
v

I’m late to my meeting for spinning a motorcycle.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with spinning a motorcycle.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began spinning a motorcycle in front of his top supporters.
The shockwave from spinning a motorcycle at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused a bag of duck vaginas in the streets.
Then God said, “Let there be spinning a motorcycle”; and there was spinning a motorcycle. And God saw that spinning a motorcycle was good.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for getting snapped in half and spinning a motorcycle at the assembly line.


The world's littlest hobo
n

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the world's littlest hobo.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s the world's littlest hobo.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being the world's littlest hobo.
This party was a real snooze, until the world's littlest hobo got things jumpin’.
My dream house has my momma’s fatness built in, an extra garage for the world's littlest hobo, and the grossest whiff of minty poot for the door bell.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in the world's littlest hobo, where they can remain viable for longer periods.


Unsubstantiated bullshit rumors
np

Unsubstantiated bullshit rumors like this is enough to kill a horse!
Unsubstantiated bullshit rumors is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just popping out of the ground. Sorry.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using unsubstantiated bullshit rumors to forage for food.
This food is so good it’s making unsubstantiated bullshit rumors quiver!
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “The Coming Race War” and it helps me with unsubstantiated bullshit rumors.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate unsubstantiated bullshit rumors.


Only getting a taste of the tentacles
v

Always walk into an interview with sharp claws and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate only getting a taste of the tentacles.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began only getting a taste of the tentacles.
Let a purring kitten host your next party, providing only getting a taste of the tentacles like you’ve never experienced before.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was only getting a taste of the tentacles.
When I saw a grape in a condom I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, only getting a taste of the tentacles, I freaked!
The White House will no longer enforce The Only Getting a Taste of the Tentacles Act of 1959. Thank God.


Wearing sweet cut-offs
v

Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: “that feeling” wearing sweet cut-offs!
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find shaking, a finely sculpted buttock and wearing sweet cut-offs.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually wearing sweet cut-offs.
Our artisanal process ages so many dudes for 3 years, before going right into the front half, rapidly wearing sweet cut-offs.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, wearing sweet cut-offs appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Alexander also named a city in India “Wearing Sweet Cut-offs” after his dead horse.


Straight shota
nc

For science class we went on a field trip to see how straight shota happens.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy straight shota from dispensaries.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Straight shota can increase your breast size in three weeks!
It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of straight shota off the grill.
Nasty boys can only be killed by straight shota.
My car looks like it’s straight shota but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.


Nonstop infinite ass dumping
vt

The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Nonstop Infinite Ass Dumping.
The authorities followed the trail of nonstop infinite ass dumping, leading them straight to the suspect.
They didn’t have Velcro shoes at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed nonstop infinite ass dumping.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Nonstop-infinite-ass-dumping-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving all the time.
A billboard on my way home had a picture of loose teeth and the words “nonstop infinite ass dumping”. I don’t get it!
Don’t be nonstop infinite ass dumping alone! Join the Nonstop Infinite Ass Dumping Club and do it with others.


Three-fifths of a podcast
np

My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing three-fifths of a podcast, since we’re so good at it.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got three-fifths of a podcast painted on both sides, which some say encourages ISIS.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with the world’s fastest pump. I barely even felt three-fifths of a podcast.
If you’re interested in my services, email me at: a-little-crack@three-fifths-of-a-podcast.biz
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate three-fifths of a podcast to prepare for a mission to mars.
Art can be defined by Iron Maiden’s 747 but only if it gets you three-fifths of a podcast and inspired.


Smashing dudes with your sword
v

When an ineffectual, stubby-armed reach-around is ready, smashing dudes with your sword will appear.
R Kelly fantasizes about smashing dudes with your sword with a young Beyonce.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with smashing dudes with your sword! It’s all here in my manifesto!
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Smashing Dudes with Your Sword
The media’s nonstop coverage of real, actual witchcraft is just to distract us from smashing dudes with your sword.
My girlfriend kicked violent death, and now she’s smashing dudes with your sword. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!


Dark, moist places
np

Don’t count dark, moist places before they hatch.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Dark, Moist Places is an accident.
The Internet is made out of dark, moist places.
See now black people walk like it to come out the other end. But white people -- white people walk like they’re dark, moist places!
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always dark, moist places. Always.
I bought dark, moist places yesterday and now I can’t stop doing surgery on LSD!


Being a real combat specialist
v

A good description of sex, suitable for children: My bruised thighs; pedophiles; being a real combat specialist.
The only thing standing in your way is being a real combat specialist.
My kid was acting like a wiggly meat tube, so I took away being a real combat specialist privileges.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “being a real combat specialist”.
Being a real combat specialist in the hand is worth two in the bush.
We’re having a cornhole situation. Watch out for being a real combat specialist and please stand by...


Nanomachines
np

I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring nanomachines.
When the celestial spheres align, nanomachines will descend from the heavens.
More armies need to incorporate nanomachines into their uniforms.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing nanomachines at cars and passers-by.
I’m going to post the new white card "what the dog ate" to SAH. What do you think to nanomachines?
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into nanomachines and stopped.


Pronouncing "baby" as "babby"
v

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Pronouncing "baby" as "babby".
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to pronouncing "baby" as "babby".
Opioids help people with pronouncing "baby" as "babby", but then they can’t poop.
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about pronouncing "baby" as "babby".
Ich bin ein pronouncing "baby" as "babby".
most of my money is where pronouncing "baby" as "babby" goes to die.


Breaking glass in case of an emergency
v

You evaded my “Breaking Glass in Case of an Emergency” attack! Most impressive.
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s breaking glass in case of an emergency.
Furious that I was breaking glass in case of an emergency into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into Roman battlesex.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of breaking glass in case of an emergency at my place.
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by breaking glass in case of an emergency?
My publisher demanded I remove breaking glass in case of an emergency from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”


Sandpaper cigarettes
np

I was vacuuming when I sucked a dusty butthole out from under the couch. I kept pulling until sandpaper cigarettes came out too!
In public restrooms I always put sandpaper cigarettes on the toilet before sitting down.
My wife printed me a certifcate for sandpaper cigarettes. I’m excited for tonight!
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is sandpaper cigarettes.
Sandpaper cigarettes! Sandpaper cigarettes! My kingdom for sandpaper cigarettes!
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about sandpaper cigarettes and two country bumpkins. Should I talk to him?


User
A human explosive
n

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had some emo kid removed so he could be a human explosive.
Great job on the proposal for being angry and stupid, Dave! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a human explosive.
I didn’t mean to start a human explosive, it just happened!
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of a human explosive.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out motor control each day, put a human explosive in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.
After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “a human explosive


One of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula
np

Aron Ralston was trapped under one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off beets. Mashed beets!
I can’t believe you guys went humping people without me! Loop me in next time, I want one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula too!
I heard you were talking about one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula so I had to come over!
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS ONE OF THOSE HYBRID B-MOVIES, LIKE SHARKNADO OR LAVALANTULA ADULTS EATING TEENAGERS ALIVE.”
They didn’t have one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed grab-ass.
Amtrak officials confirm one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula would have prevented train derailment.


Punching and shooting at the same time
v

I saw headroom down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be punching and shooting at the same time with us.”
Always walk into an interview with spinning blades and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate punching and shooting at the same time.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Punching and Shooting at the Same Time.
CAUTION: Keep the caboose of a mantrain out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks punching and shooting at the same time.
I ordered a well-oiled machine privately over the Internet so I can get better at punching and shooting at the same time.
I prayed to God for punching and shooting at the same time, and God delivered!


A wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur
n

The hardware store didn’t have awesome lectures left, so I got a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw backwash flavor and then a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur flavor.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur, toilet paper, shelter, and a lucky toss.
Wolves don’t eat a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur, and neither should kings.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like cuttin’ off mommy’s finger.


A horse's butt
n

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a horse's butt in the sea.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a horse's butt chewing on cars like a giant titanium allosaurus.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about the grossest whiff of minty poot and a horse's butt. Should I talk to him?
“D” is for a horse's butt.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a horse's butt sticking to the wall.
During routine surgery, the doctors found a horse's butt embedded in my abdomen.


A thousand Hershey bars
n

This workplace has gone (0) days without a thousand Hershey bars.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a thousand Hershey bars for years to keep the flock from several children.
My house. 8 o’clock. A thousand Hershey bars.
Go, go, Gadget a Thousand Hershey Bars!
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of a thousand Hershey bars.
Ok, I’ll admit the hole where the heart once fit might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in a thousand Hershey bars.


Elaborate love-play
nc

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from being carted away, and the eco-glass windows trap in elaborate love-play.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with elaborate love-play. I barely even felt daddy in his underpants.
My publisher demanded I remove elaborate love-play from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
We put elaborate love-play in your tea!
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into elaborate love-play.
This party was a real snooze, until elaborate love-play got things jumpin’.


Skipping to the end of the movie
v

My DMs! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all skipping to the end of the movie.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start giving good solid advice before skipping to the end of the movie.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from skipping to the end of the movie with one mile of train rail.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s skipping to the end of the movie and I think I believe her!
I beat skipping to the end of the movie all the time!
My wife is WAY better at skipping to the end of the movie than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years


Watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios
v

It smells like Thai food in here... have you been watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios?
I Googled for watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios and found a picture of myself.
If I had watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios, you’d be stretching it till it rips!
Our artisanal process ages the tickle zone for 3 years, before going right into an ancient Indian burial ground, rapidly watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios on the freeway.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Watching Teenage Vandals Try to Destroy the Jurassic Park Ride at Universal Studios” and it helps me with crisp fresh lettuce.


Buffering
vt

Are you there God? It’s me, buffering.
Apparently, “Buffering” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Introducing, The Buffering diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
That kind of attitude is why we have buffering now.
This year’s hottest album is “Ionizing Radiation” by Buffering.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be buffering.


Fighting off a mob of cavemen
v

When our own biological child is ready, fighting off a mob of cavemen will appear.
I’m going to post the new white card "fighting off a mob of cavemen" to SAH. What do you think to my person?
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for fighting off a mob of cavemen.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider fighting off a mob of cavemen.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of fighting off a mob of cavemen on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Today you’re on the receiving end of fighting off a mob of cavemen.


Wrestling a bear and randomly laughing
vt

...they said, “Come play wrestling a bear and randomly laughing with us.”
The TSA has made new rules mandating wrestling a bear and randomly laughing on every commercial flight.
Last time I went in a rest stop bathroom there were some guys in there wrestling a bear and randomly laughing. Gross.
The patient kept screaming about “wrestling a bear and randomly laughing”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a short muscular rectum emerged!
It is disrespectful and dangerous to be wrestling a bear and randomly laughing during sex.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be wrestling a bear and randomly laughing while I’m cranberry sauce or juice!


A loaded shotgun
n

Pool rules: No running. No complex maths. Keep a loaded shotgun out of the deep end.
The new top grade of gasoline has a loaded shotgun as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with a loaded shotgun, a naturopathic remedy.
The new artsy indie game “NAMBLA” is a deeply emotional exploration of a loaded shotgun.
Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold, which has the hole right in a loaded shotgun.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by screaming and barfing a little and a loaded shotgun.


Being shot in the face
v

Then God said, “Let there be being shot in the face”; and there was being shot in the face. And God saw that being shot in the face was good.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into being shot in the face! She’s 62!
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk being shot in the face.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Being Shot in the Face!
More armies need to incorporate being shot in the face into their uniforms.
While you’re at the store can you pick up being shot in the face, in family size?


A black dude
n

Oh no! Someone rolled up a black dude in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
My favorite new band is “A Black Dude and Mailing Anthrax”.
Daddy, what’s a black dude? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
The thief was caught stealing nothing, initially from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a black dude.
My dream house has a black dude built in, an extra garage for organic porpoise semen, and mandibles for the door bell.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is a black dude.


A Chinese dude
n

Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with a Chinese dude.
Make sure to hang a Chinese dude in a tree so secretions leaves your tent alone.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a Chinese dude.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with a Chinese dude.
John “a Chinese dude” Smith. The genius who brought us my father’s example.
The HOA says I can’t raise a Chinese dude on my property. Meanwhile no word about 20 dollars at the Jones’s!


Beating other men up
v

beating other men up is where between your legs goes to die.
In this 15th century painting, beating other men up is represented by a man with the roof for a head.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using beating other men up to forage for food.
Although moving away from beating other men up proved effective for schools, the switch to girl problems initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me beating other men up at the party last night.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a Japanese woman’s underwear and beating other men up.

User
Rocket launcher porn
nc

Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Rocket Launcher Porn and You”.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of rocket launcher porn on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and rocket launcher porn.
I never expected to be fingered by rocket launcher porn.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy rocket launcher porn, and you get the female form as a sign up bonus.
CAUTION: Keep two or three caterpillars out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks rocket launcher porn.


Six-year-olds
np

My school is throwing the Army party this weekend. Come for six-year-olds. Stay for sacrificing the homeless!
I make six-year-olds for my cat by finding a place to fart with a way rude hunger. Oreo loves it!
I beat six-year-olds all the time!
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate six-year-olds to prepare for a mission to mars.
In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out six-year-olds for free on every corner.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience six-year-olds like I was really there.


Nuclear weapons
np

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is nuclear weapons.
I’m getting ass installed in my car, so I can be nuclear weapons while I drive.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have nuclear weapons.
Nuclear weapons has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of nuclear weapons.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded an old, Asian martial arts master and now I’m having trouble with nuclear weapons.


An animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels
n

When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels in the mirror! And it smelled like failure in there! I’m so scared!
Slender and muscled, like an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels. She was the spitting image of pulling off pants.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels.
Music without the sounds of an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels is hardly music at all.
I think a lot of people would pay to see an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels.


A pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing
n

Every French soldier carries a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing in his knapsack.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing for years to keep the flock from a night of unrestrained passion.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing”.
When a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
You spent all your food-stamps on a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing?!


Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off
np

They cut open the crocodile to find Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off, still pandering to the normies like always.
I prayed to God for Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off, and God delivered!
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Most People Co., tapping into the growing market for Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off.
If you kids don’t stop huddling in the corner, I will turn Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off around!
This year’s hottest new fashion is Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off on your head.
I’ve been chopping down the ends to build Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off for me and my wife.


A flaming bag of poop
n

When the stadium was demolished it revealed a flaming bag of poop, bringing onlookers from far and wide.
Although moving away from a flaming bag of poop proved effective for schools, the switch to being slathered in baby oil initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a massive, hissing centipede in the attic. Anyway, I’m a flaming bag of poop.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a flaming bag of poop?”
After 6 grueling years, Microsoft and I have created a flaming bag of poop.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a flaming bag of poop in the back seat.


A shootout in a grocery store
n

Daddy, what’s a shootout in a grocery store? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a shootout in a grocery store removed from her and a crazed Eskimo removed from me.
A shootout in a grocery store is a temporary setback on the road to thick oatmeal!
Hello, 911? I think there’s a shootout in a grocery store in my house...
I can’t swing a shootout in a grocery store around here without hitting a total fucking mess!
My pharmacist separated a gasping woman into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a shootout in a grocery store.


Your mom's Honda Civic
nc

Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of your mom's Honda Civic. She has stated, “I prefer white boys.”
My nightly ritual involves your mom's Honda Civic, laser sounds, and finally a riding crop just as I fall asleep.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find your mom's Honda Civic so relaxing.
Your mom's Honda Civic? That’s my fetish!
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with your mom's Honda Civic jumping and nipping at me from below and even making it weird.
At the skating rink there was your mom's Honda Civic and everyone fell down at once.


Locking my keys in the car
v

I can’t believe you forced my mom into locking my keys in the car! She’s 62!
On the assembly line we heat a damned soul to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is locking my keys in the car.
This party was a real snooze, until locking my keys in the car got things jumpin’.
My kid was acting like a mutilated torso, so I took away locking my keys in the car privileges.
I didn’t mean to start locking my keys in the car, it just happened!
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by locking my keys in the car?


The bullet
n

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt the bullet in the sea.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always the bullet just around the corner.
There’s the bullet convention going on and everybody is terrorizing that pussy.
I’m late to my meeting for the bullet.
I’m bedtime in the streets, but the bullet in the sheets.
The authorities followed the trail of the bullet, leading them straight to the suspect.


Sadness
nc

Getting sadness back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, sadness, toilet paper, shelter, and an angry penis for the woman.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “sadness,” with a picture of a big slow boat.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with sadness.
Furious that I was beating up retarded people into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into sadness.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began sadness.


Alcohol
nc

I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got alcohol out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha!
I don’t think that even comes close to being alcohol.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at alcohol and my card appeared in a child predator!
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of alcohol in the sky.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of alcohol.
In this game you get to collect Velcro shoes and craft alcohol.


Lead
nc

It’s time to scrape the remains of lead off the driveway.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell a stroke after 8pm, or on holidays like Lead Day.
I went rafting, saw lead in the river, no big deal.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft in the stands and then knocked lead off such grace.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was lead, part was my happy place, and it was crowned with a minivan with a dead body in it.
lead is where 80,000 tons of nuclear waste goes to die.


Milk
nc

Jesus is milk.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Milk.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than milk.
At the Amazon Go store you can grab milk and walk right out the door without conjuring.
I saw a tiny bone fragment down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be milk with us.”
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got milk painted on both sides, which some say encourages kissing ass.


Only darkness
nc

Last Christmas, I gave you only darkness. The very next day, you gave it away.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “only darkness,” over and over again while in use.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking only darkness into women’s purses and bags.
Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that the working man came shooting out of only darkness.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with mediocre tits. I barely even felt only darkness.
While I was out the Roomba got into only darkness and was succumbing to nature.


Chasing a little boy in a wheelchair
v

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into chasing a little boy in a wheelchair, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start keepin’ it tight.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is chasing a little boy in a wheelchair.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find chasing a little boy in a wheelchair.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re chasing a little boy in a wheelchair, get to the front of the line.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about a gurgling anus and chasing a little boy in a wheelchair. Should I talk to him?
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be chasing a little boy in a wheelchair.


The littlest cancer patient
n

Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl on a berserk horse, or even some kind of the littlest cancer patient scene.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for the littlest cancer patient.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be the littlest cancer patient.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only the littlest cancer patient and orgies come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
I like my women like I like giving good solid advice: spreading disease with the littlest cancer patient.
At my 9th birthday, we had the littlest cancer patient piñata that burst open showering sizzling assholes on us kids.

User
Open the flood gates!
User
Moderate-to-severe joint pain
nc

It’s not delivery. It’s moderate-to-severe joint pain.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to moderate-to-severe joint pain, even before I put on my clothes.
Authorities were tallying damage from moderate-to-severe joint pain that struck southern California Friday evening.
This land is this sentence land, this land is moderate-to-severe joint pain land.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with moderate-to-severe joint pain. So bring a 100 foot tidal wave.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get fluids from my face removed from her and moderate-to-severe joint pain removed from me.

User
Guns
np

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw guns overboard!
At work I secretly have guns under my desk.
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with guns hanging in the window.
Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with guns, a naturopathic remedy.
Guns in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Happiness: A forty foot Ferris wheel, hot biscuits & gravy, and guns.

User
Super-sperm
nc

My publisher demanded I remove super-sperm from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring super-sperm.
Super-sperm? That’s my fetish!
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got super-sperm painted on both sides, which some say encourages demons.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen super-sperm.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: Super-sperm with lips.

User
A goddamn magic T-Rex
n

Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into a goddamn magic T-Rex.
A goddamn magic T-Rex? That’s my fetish!
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by a goddamn magic T-Rex around the building.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a goddamn magic T-Rex for years to keep the flock from a gasping woman.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “a goddamn magic T-Rex,” over and over again while in use.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of burned clothing in history, rode into battle atop a goddamn magic T-Rex.

User
Orange juice
nc

Chimps in the wild have been observed using orange juice to forage for food.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on orange juice.
Getting orange juice back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
First you get a sociopath. Then you get a gasping woman. Then you get orange juice.
Shepherds in Scotland have used the basement for years to keep the flock from orange juice.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider orange juice.

User
A dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze
n

Instructions unclear: got a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze stuck in white chocolate, if you know what I mean.
My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti A-dinosaur-skeleton-covered-in-ooze-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and a frantic woman.
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze.
Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold, which has the hole right in a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a dinosaur skeleton covered in ooze emerged.

User
Sir, are you aware that there’s   in your basement?!

Sir, are you aware that there’s big dudes with big dudes in your basement?!
Sir, are you aware that there’s an ancient Indian burial ground in your basement?!
Sir, are you aware that there’s jabbing people in the eye in your basement?!
Sir, are you aware that there’s very depraved porn in your basement?!
Sir, are you aware that there’s pulling out just in time in your basement?!
Sir, are you aware that there’s a little sumthin sumthin in your basement?!

User
What good is   without the pulp?

What good is an extremely painful sneeze without the pulp?
What good is a mindless animal response without the pulp?
What good is a sarcastic horse without the pulp?
What good is caressing my face without the pulp?
What good is a legless dog on a wheeled cart without the pulp?
What good is that sack of shit without the pulp?

User
If you don’t jump  , you’ll never be where you want to be.

If you don’t jump my golden goose, you’ll never be where you want to be.
If you don’t jump fingertips, you’ll never be where you want to be.
If you don’t jump gunfire, you’ll never be where you want to be.
If you don’t jump a cunt slap, you’ll never be where you want to be.
If you don’t jump that jackass, you’ll never be where you want to be.
If you don’t jump me, you’ll never be where you want to be.

User
I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of  .

I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of all creation.
I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of the tickle zone.
I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of blacking out and making a sex sound.
I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of sobbing silently to yourself as the night closes in.
I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of a big ol’ fruit.
I'm in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of giving birth to a prosthetic baby.

User
The government
n

I thought I was alone with the government but my mom walked in. We got to backing up on it and I felt better.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, the government, sloth, wrath, that bitch, and pride.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing the government, since we’re so good at it.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking the government into women’s purses and bags.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Success Co., tapping into the growing market for the government.
Wolves don’t eat the government, and neither should kings.



A burrito that's just sour cream
n

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a burrito that's just sour cream, part was hate-fucking, and it was crowned with a censor bar.
My wife is WAY better at a burrito that's just sour cream than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a burrito that's just sour cream from dispensaries.
My dream house has butt sounds built in, an extra garage for a burrito that's just sour cream, and sex for procreation for the door bell.
You evaded my “A Burrito That's Just Sour Cream” attack! Most impressive.
My car looks like it’s a burrito that's just sour cream but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.



Finding love in the back of a police cruiser
v

Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only an angry penis for the woman and finding love in the back of a police cruiser.
I will do anything for alien parasite larvae. But I won’t do finding love in the back of a police cruiser!
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in finding love in the back of a police cruiser.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen finding love in the back of a police cruiser.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for finding love in the back of a police cruiser.
Last night was the tragic result of finding love in the back of a police cruiser


User
I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like  .

I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like taffy.
I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like a boyfriend shaped bed.
I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like a choreographed anti-drug dance.
I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like moving and talking at the same time.
I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the most beautiful face ever.
I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like just a little something to cap off the night.



It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like  .

It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like the greatest mistake of my life.
It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like biking down the Luxor.
It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like my biggest vein.
It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like hiding the elderly.
It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like the polite scorn of a Canadian.
It was a non-stop fuckfest. When it was over, my asshole looked like nine guys you fucked.



Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm  .

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm a touch.
Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm violently crashing down the stairs.
Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm only my index finger.
Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm being shot at while fleeing.
Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm stainless steel plating.
Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm smearing.




User
A giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'
n

Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker' in the sky.
Don’t look at me while I’m a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'! It messes me up!
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'.
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with a giant dildo called 'the orphan maker'.

User
A little cat-sized machine gun
n

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Wet Dog Smell Co., tapping into the growing market for a little cat-sized machine gun.
Scorpions can shed a little cat-sized machine gun in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not a little cat-sized machine gun like your brother?”
It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of a little cat-sized machine gun off the grill.
This year’s hottest album is “mailing anthrax” by a little cat-sized machine gun.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a sexy, but stylish full turn over my head, but a little cat-sized machine gun got in the way.

User
Salesman: *slaps top of  * This bad boy can fit so much   in it.
Play 2

Salesman: *slaps top of innocent women and children* This bad boy can fit so much a twisted horror body creeping down the stairs in it.
Salesman: *slaps top of an orbital laser satellite* This bad boy can fit so much cannibals in it.
Salesman: *slaps top of a big donkey* This bad boy can fit so much a Powerpoint presentation in it.
Salesman: *slaps top of his tumor* This bad boy can fit so much removing a uterine tumor with my teeth in it.
Salesman: *slaps top of something sweet for the kids* This bad boy can fit so much being deep inside each other in it.
Salesman: *slaps top of Grandma’s ghost* This bad boy can fit so much a motorist in it.

User
Loss
nc

CAUTION: Keep this worthless orphan out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks loss.
Wolves don’t eat loss, and neither should kings.
This year’s hottest album is “cold toilet water in the butthole” by loss.
It’s lucky to touch loss; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with loss.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with loss.

User
Handholding cuddlesex
v

What Mom made nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid handholding cuddlesex.
Here on the assembly line we heat the power of love to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is handholding cuddlesex.
When you two are done handholding cuddlesex, can we please get a Turkish wedding and get out of here?!
Handholding cuddlesex can actually erode a humorless Japanese businessman, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
Ever since Pakistani cosmonauts appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while handholding cuddlesex.
My school is throwing a traffic cone full of bibimbap party this weekend. Come for wrestling alligators. Stay for handholding cuddlesex!

User
Real fast danger
nc

So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s real fast danger.
Two best friends and real fast danger take a road trip, and discover my womanly virtue along the way.
A billboard on my way home had a picture of any decent person and the words “real fast danger”. I don’t get it!
Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and real fast danger came rolling after him, but he escaped by drinking wine in the tub all day!
Last Christmas, everyone got real fast danger under the tree and my innards in their stockings!
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around real fast danger on the freeway.

User
  and   are qualities I look for in a potential spouse.
Play 2

my butt surgery and farting while asleep are qualities I look for in a potential spouse.
kids these days and a censor bar are qualities I look for in a potential spouse.
a super-tiny butt hole and a huge mountain are qualities I look for in a potential spouse.
blacking out and making a sex sound and a slut who will do anything are qualities I look for in a potential spouse.
a piece of lint near my vagina and no clean towels are qualities I look for in a potential spouse.
meatball marinara and conjuring are qualities I look for in a potential spouse.

User
Big anime titties
np

When the celestial spheres align, big anime titties will descend from the heavens.
I scream, you scream, little turds everywhere, big anime titties!
My dream house has big anime titties built in, an extra garage for getting tickled until you bust a nut, and Fidel Castro’s beard and hat for the door bell.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of big anime titties.
CAUTION: Keep big anime titties out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks Donald Trump’s tweets.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how big anime titties happens.

User
A young woman of marriageable age
n

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a young woman of marriageable age is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be drinking wine in the tub all day and where does a young woman of marriageable age come in?
Ich bin ein a young woman of marriageable age.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a young woman of marriageable age, would you be a young woman of marriageable age as well?”
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide a young woman of marriageable age directly.
On the assembly line we heat a young woman of marriageable age to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is proving she’s a witch.

User
Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of  , with an estimated three to four   per 100 square kilometers.
Play 2

Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of a beefy meal, with an estimated three to four a spooky mummy per 100 square kilometers.
Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of godless heathens, with an estimated three to four uranium per 100 square kilometers.
Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of dat ass, with an estimated three to four a horrible selection of gay men per 100 square kilometers.
Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of whistling at women, with an estimated three to four Iron Maiden’s 747 per 100 square kilometers.
Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of awesome lectures, with an estimated three to four oozing holes per 100 square kilometers.
Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of the king and his family, with an estimated three to four black lace per 100 square kilometers.

User
Game Over
nc

My religion demands that I must abstain from Game Over. A fun game however, is OK.
Dagnabbit! I got Game Over all jammed up in the wheel well again.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually Game Over.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring Game Over.
Today I bought Game Over from the back of a van. They also threw in my sister’s closet, which I didn’t even think was legal.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all Game Over, right while I’m being tall enough to ride.

User
A farting dick and balls
n

The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy a farting dick and balls, and you get furries as a sign up bonus.
Aron Ralston was trapped under a farting dick and balls for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off a face-hugger!
I’m sure I blew a farting dick and balls in this napkin somewhere.
I bought a farting dick and balls yesterday and now I can’t stop cuttin’ off mommy’s finger!
A good description of sex, suitable for children: A farting dick and balls; being shot at while fleeing; $10.
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for a carpet beetle and to avoid a farting dick and balls.

User
Yelling at women
v

Howdy neighbor, love yelling at women! Let’s get beautiful girl hair sometime!
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about butt magic and yelling at women. Should I talk to him?
My wife printed me a certifcate for yelling at women. I’m excited for tonight!
Look, man, I’m not into yelling at women. But $20 is $20.
My kid was acting like a blind, but happy, puppy, so I took away yelling at women privileges.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn yelling at women, but now for work I’m bodily harm. Go figure!

User
Beating your meat
v

I thought I was alone with new rules from on high but my mom walked in. We got to beating your meat and I felt better.
This year’s hottest new fashion is beating your meat on your head.
No more beating your meat at Starbucks.
The shockwave from Martha Stewart, orgasming at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused beating your meat in the streets.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began beating your meat.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to beating your meat.

User
My dead husband
nc

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and my dead husband.
I was so surprised to see what makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth that my dead husband fell out of my mouth.
The truly rich have mansions with a tiny Jamaican room, a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft room, and servants to handle my dead husband.
So what I’m saying is we have my dead husband to thank for Obama’s America.
I love your necklace! It’s my dead husband, right?
Until quite recently, my dead husband had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.

User
How can   be this cute?

How can extremely poor judgment be this cute?
How can compost be this cute?
How can a sudden penetration be this cute?
How can inactivity and poor health be this cute?
How can a surgical rotary saw be this cute?
How can the Handsome Boy Modeling School be this cute?

User
 , it’s great! Makes you less stressed!

machine gun fire, it’s great! Makes you less stressed!
my return, it’s great! Makes you less stressed!
cutting, it’s great! Makes you less stressed!
a very old jellybean, it’s great! Makes you less stressed!
reduced brain intelligence, it’s great! Makes you less stressed!
waterboarding just for fun, it’s great! Makes you less stressed!

User
David Cage famously said “  is a failure of the game designer.”

David Cage famously said “a naked man running in the freeway is a failure of the game designer.”
David Cage famously said “allergies is a failure of the game designer.”
David Cage famously said “completely wigging out is a failure of the game designer.”
David Cage famously said “a Japanese woman’s underwear is a failure of the game designer.”
David Cage famously said “literally shivering me timbers is a failure of the game designer.”
David Cage famously said “black lace is a failure of the game designer.”

User
Women in refrigerators
np

The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “women in refrigerators” incident in the science lab.
Science never solves a problem without creating women in refrigerators.
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by women in refrigerators?
They cut open the crocodile to find women in refrigerators, still being asleep, not dead like always.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about women in refrigerators?
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s women in refrigerators.

User
An underwater Chinese ghost base
n

In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped a stupid student in the toilet and touched an underwater Chinese ghost base on the wall.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in an underwater Chinese ghost base.
My religion demands that I must abstain from an underwater Chinese ghost base. 10,000 dancers, dancing in unison however, is OK.
When an underwater Chinese ghost base hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
The thief was caught stealing an old hornet from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of an underwater Chinese ghost base.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in an underwater Chinese ghost base.

User
Will I ever love   as much as I love  ?
Play 2

Will I ever love killing again as much as I love poisoning a child?
Will I ever love smoking crack as much as I love sewing it shut?
Will I ever love a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it as much as I love joining the Army in a panic?
Will I ever love breaking in as much as I love a thought?
Will I ever love the brave men and women fighting for us as much as I love fate?
Will I ever love offending people as much as I love cuddling?

User
Lady fists
np

Growing up we never had a carefully contained fart, but we had to deal with lady fists, and I want the opposite for my children.
Every French soldier carries lady fists in his knapsack.
The thief was caught stealing inflatable safety bumpers from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of lady fists.
The cineplex has been using lady fists in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
The water tower looks like it’s lady fists from this angle.
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about lady fists.



A single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie
n

Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie pulling on my butthole hairs.
The new bill before congress would require a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie in all K-through-12 classrooms.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from not taking care of your body, and the eco-glass windows trap in a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie.
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into a single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie.
Happiness: A single sticky note with "NO" written on it in red sharpie, rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about, and sex friends.

User
A homoerotic volleyball montage
n

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a homoerotic volleyball montage emerged.
The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as another hole in the head and comes with 1 USB-C port and a homoerotic volleyball montage! Groovy!
Help! I’m a homoerotic volleyball montage and I need YOU to do something about it!
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for 35 quadrillion Zimbabwe dollars and to avoid a homoerotic volleyball montage.
At the Amazon Go store you can grab a homoerotic volleyball montage and walk right out the door without bedding.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a homoerotic volleyball montage removed from her and a loading screen removed from me.


Powerful thighs
np

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Powerful Thighs Blast!
Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born in a pile of powerful thighs.”
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit baby eels and acquire powerful thighs!
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced powerful thighs with tender biting.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out powerful thighs.
First you get powerful thighs. Then you get the tiniest little idea in my pea brain. Then you get a traffic cop.


Some god-damn peace and quiet
nc

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate some god-damn peace and quiet.
Introducing, The Some God-damn Peace and Quiet diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
My school is throwing Tony’s prison baby party this weekend. Come for some god-damn peace and quiet. Stay for cheering children!
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by some god-damn peace and quiet.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring some god-damn peace and quiet.
Chase bank is giving out some god-damn peace and quiet this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.


A lifelike silicone love doll
n

I could tell a hollow shell had ended up behind me when I felt a lifelike silicone love doll as I backed up.
My pharmacist separated a mortal wound into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a lifelike silicone love doll.
The ‘recalled pizza with glass in it moth’ has adapted to feed on a submissive sex android, and hide under a lifelike silicone love doll in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a lifelike silicone love doll
I’m sure I blew a lifelike silicone love doll in this napkin somewhere.
A lifelike silicone love doll: It’s nature’s candy!


User
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into  .

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a uniquely British problem.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a prop gun.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into nutters running around with chainsaws.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a finely sculpted buttock.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a mind-erasing kit.
During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into compost.


What never fails to liven up the party?  .

What never fails to liven up the party? being a bitch.
What never fails to liven up the party? Russian dressing.
What never fails to liven up the party? your grandmother, who loves you.
What never fails to liven up the party? the white man.
What never fails to liven up the party? gettin’ all up close.
What never fails to liven up the party? crotch rot.


He who controls  , controls the world.

He who controls teen spirit, controls the world.
He who controls being kicked repeatedly in the head, controls the world.
He who controls rude kids, controls the world.
He who controls a box of wine, controls the world.
He who controls pooping for four hours a day, controls the world.
He who controls a well-oiled machine, controls the world.


User
Going in drag
v

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide going in drag directly.
It's like they always say: going in drag never changes.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Going in drag can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Don’t shake a hole so hard, it’ll start going in drag.
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as inhaling or going in drag.
My school is throwing the moron I hired to kill you party this weekend. Come for going in drag. Stay for dick slapping!

User
Your mom
nc

In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy your mom from dispensaries.
Give a man your mom and you feed him for a day. Give him one more, and you feed him for a lifetime.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate your mom.
I scream, you scream, wetting the bed, your mom!
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about your mom.
After 6 grueling years, Microsoft and I have created your mom.


My final form
nc

Furious that I was killing all men into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into my final form.
In public restrooms I always put my final form on the toilet before sitting down.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring my final form.
Work my final form up until frothing before spreading across a sudden penetration, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
The patient kept screaming about “oil-covered birds”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and my final form emerged!
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with my final form.


Low-budget special effects
np

On the assembly line we heat low-budget special effects to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is embalming the family pet early.
What will we do with low-budget special effects early in the morning?
At work I secretly have low-budget special effects under my desk.
I got so drunk last night that I got low-budget special effects all over everyone and everything.
My wife is WAY better at low-budget special effects than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s low-budget special effects.


Bullet time
nc

Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Bullet Time and You”.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on bullet time.
You spent all your food-stamps on bullet time?!
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Bullet Time” and it helps me with several children.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Bullet Time?
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in bullet time. That’s supposed to help me with weird legs?!


Going in dry
v

goat porn is where going in dry goes to die.
A mistake is a temporary setback on the road to going in dry!
All the best love stories include going in dry.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into going in dry! She’s 62!
For science class we went on a field trip to see how going in dry happens.
Gather round, family, it’s time to hang going in dry on the Christmas tree.


Violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat
v

Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat. She has stated, “I prefer being picked.”
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat?”
I’ve finally got the last of spinning blades out of violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat.
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find a tard, motor control and violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat.
My favorite new band is “Violently Beating Your Friends to Death with a Baseball Bat and My Evil Little Body”.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “violently beating your friends to death with a baseball bat.”


User
It’s dangerous to go alone, take  .

It’s dangerous to go alone, take being tall enough to ride.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take a dollar.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take a sleepy kitty.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take black market lungs.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take peeing out a crab.
It’s dangerous to go alone, take smearing blood all over the bathroom.


If you wish to make   from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.

If you wish to make a basket of kittens from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make too much milk from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make ear worms from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make iodine from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make just a coincidence from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.
If you wish to make drunk sexting my sister from scratch, you must first invent the Universe.


  is the number one  !
Play 2

alcohol is the number one impregnating your five-year-old brother!
hatred for children is the number one a tangled Slinky®!
special pube shampoo is the number one nothing but the truth!
quiet poots is the number one being sterilized!
getting snapped in half is the number one a glass pane!
fornicating all day, every day is the number one a human-sized hamster ball!


  gave me such a good boner.

ammunition gave me such a good boner.
peach vodka gave me such a good boner.
a 5,000 acre forest fire gave me such a good boner.
kissing ass gave me such a good boner.
birth meat gave me such a good boner.
a Secret Service agent gave me such a good boner.


This isn’t even  !

This isn’t even human body warmth!
This isn’t even mistaking a man for a lady!
This isn’t even blowing a koala!
This isn’t even micropenises!
This isn’t even high-voltage wires!
This isn’t even aged beef!


Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of  .

Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of our own biological child.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of fingernail torture.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of a hidden pancake.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of fluids from my face.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of automated mechanized death.
Someday when I have kids, I want to share with them the joys of murdering.


The seven stages of grief: denial, anger, , bargaining,  , acceptance.
Play 2

The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,wriggling and thrashing, bargaining, what makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,a super-tiny butt hole, bargaining, the rope my pappy hanged his self with, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,MY SKULL!, bargaining, unexpected penetration, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,Her Majesty, the Queen, bargaining, violently crashing down the stairs, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,80,000 tons of nuclear waste, bargaining, Donald Trump’s family, acceptance.
The seven stages of grief: denial, anger,a wet burst, bargaining, a very hot pan, acceptance.


The most romantic thing ever?  , obviously.

The most romantic thing ever? nuclear warfare, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? anorexia, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? shotgunning, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? a fridge full of heads, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? my displeasure, obviously.
The most romantic thing ever? smearing, obviously.


It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with  .

It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with the winning lottery numbers.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with surviving.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with attention.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with blacking out and making a sex sound.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with a virus.
It’s a pity that kids these days are getting involved with doing a bad job at pooping.


User
A literal lady
n

A billboard on my way home had a picture of sugar from my father and the words “a literal lady”. I don’t get it!
I heard you were talking about a literal lady so I had to come over!
Politics. The Falling in Love with a White Girl Party, is always trying to shove battery acid down our throats. This time it’s a literal lady.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a literal lady sticking to the wall.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a literal lady.
Instructions unclear: got outrageous fortune stuck in a literal lady.

User
It was more uncomfortable than   at a   convention.
Play 2

It was more uncomfortable than really bad teeth at a a sex swing mishap convention.
It was more uncomfortable than dying evil at a baby Jesus convention.
It was more uncomfortable than a mind-erasing kit at a my beautiful, transgender father convention.
It was more uncomfortable than pendulous breasts at a David Bowie’s mysterious bulge convention.
It was more uncomfortable than giving good solid advice at a befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind convention.
It was more uncomfortable than an even freakier dude at a the rope my pappy hanged his self with convention.


Disney presents:   on ice!

Disney presents: scary men on ice!
Disney presents: heavy hearts on ice!
Disney presents: a sexy, but stylish full turn on ice!
Disney presents: eels on ice!
Disney presents: strong thighs on ice!
Disney presents: the key to my heart on ice!


The best of waking up is   in your cup.

The best of waking up is Sally the fat, FAT leopard in your cup.
The best of waking up is a hollow shell in your cup.
The best of waking up is a genital louse in your cup.
The best of waking up is my bacon strip in your cup.
The best of waking up is a gay vagina in your cup.
The best of waking up is sweat and dead skin in your cup.


You can never have too many   when in East LA.

You can never have too many taffy when in East LA.
You can never have too many space Nazis when in East LA.
You can never have too many 40,000°F plasma when in East LA.
You can never have too many a newer, sleeker leopard when in East LA.
You can never have too many a wet tongue when in East LA.
You can never have too many my work when in East LA.


9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking   twice a day helps prevents cancer.

9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking freewill twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking all the food twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking just a little something to cap off the night twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking moistness twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking baseless hatred twice a day helps prevents cancer.
9 out of 10 Doctors agree that taking distended tubes twice a day helps prevents cancer.


User
A day care Fight Club
n

I just dug up a day care Fight Club in my backyard! The police are questioning me and I’m worried about you, ya dirty bum.
Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and a day care Fight Club came rolling after him, but he escaped by shitting glitter!
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: a day care Fight Club.
I’m shoving a day care Fight Club in the ground, in hopes that an exploitative sex tape comes and harvests it.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with a day care Fight Club.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Day Care Fight Club”! I shook his hand and it felt like a day care Fight Club.


A man-sized hamster wheel
n

What will we do with a man-sized hamster wheel early in the morning?
I didn’t think this house would sell with black power in the attic. Anyway, I’m a man-sized hamster wheel.
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of a man-sized hamster wheel, ginger beer, and a squeeze of a tiny bone fragment. Serve in a snake pit.
a small chubby is where a man-sized hamster wheel goes to die.
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of a man-sized hamster wheel. She has stated, “I prefer completely wigging out.”
Two best friends and lactating dogs take a road trip, and discover a man-sized hamster wheel along the way.


User
Stuff and things
np

While you’re at the store can you pick up stuff and things, in family size?
I don’t think that even comes close to being stuff and things.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned stuff and things. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Authorities were tallying damage from stuff and things that struck southern California Friday evening.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and stuff and things coming right at us. Please advise.
I’m getting stuff and things installed in my car, so I can be a guillotine while I drive.


Two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie
np

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie onto the International Space Station.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a cat, but upside down removed from her and two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie removed from me.
I’m two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie in the streets, but a slut who deserved it in the sheets.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in two brothers, an Impala, and a fuckton of pie!


A pretty floral bonnet
n

I think a lot of people would pay to see a pretty floral bonnet.
Jesus is a pretty floral bonnet.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a pretty floral bonnet and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
I prayed to God for a pretty floral bonnet, and God delivered!
Instructions unclear: got Coach Diddleplayers stuck in a pretty floral bonnet.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a pretty floral bonnet. Would you like to try our new special, nut sack hairs?


Aggressive potato eating
vt

My car looks like it’s aggressive potato eating but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between aggressive potato eating and taking it hard.
You can’t keep running around like aggressive potato eating, you’re endangering an even freakier dude!
Pool rules: No running. No aggressive potato eating. Keep Disneyland! out of the deep end.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by aggressive potato eating.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate aggressive potato eating to prepare for a mission to mars.


The world’s worst dad
n

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to the world’s worst dad.
10% of all proceeds from sales of the world’s worst dad will go to The Donkeydump Foundation.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me the world’s worst dad and it’s getting weird.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “the world’s worst dad.”
Opioids help people with the world’s worst dad, but then they cant poop.
It’s not delivery. It’s the world’s worst dad.


User
Blood diamonds
np

In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had blood diamonds removed so she can live a normal life.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see blood diamonds spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Monopoly: Competitive Masturbation Edition comes with blood diamonds and trapped stairs that fold into a ramp instead of houses and hotels.
Jesus is blood diamonds.
These special lenses help colorblind people see that blood diamonds is sacrificing the homeless.
At Boeing R&D, we test blood diamonds by subjecting it to dealing drugs and blasts of energy.


Cartoon pussy
nc

People around the world recognize cartoon pussy as the unofficial symbol of the USA.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Cartoon pussy.
Thanks for cartoon pussy last night. *wink* *wink*
In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped cartoon pussy in the toilet and touched a jackhammer on the wall.
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be humping people and where does cartoon pussy come in?
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s cartoon pussy straddled by Princess Perfect.


Cousin cuddling
vt

R Kelly fantasizes about cousin cuddling with a young Beyonce.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is cousin cuddling.
Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and the big ol’ boys came rolling after him, but he escaped by cousin cuddling!
Cousin-Cuddling-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of cousin cuddling. She has stated, “I prefer back surgery.”
You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were cousin cuddling.


Defying the laws of physics
v

You should come over. I’ve got lots of defying the laws of physics at my place.
But of the tree of defying the laws of physics you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
During the war, German scientists experimented with defying the laws of physics to weaponize a succulent jumbo prawn.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a fridge full of heads, sloth, wrath, defying the laws of physics, and pride.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of the song of my people defying the laws of physics.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Defying the laws of physics can increase your breast size in three weeks!


Forgetting the safe word
v

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup the Finest Quality Cheese Co., tapping into the growing market for forgetting the safe word.
The survey team detected forgetting the safe word at the work site so I threw burned clothing in my truck and drove straight there.
Forgetting the safe word like this is enough to kill a horse!
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with forgetting the safe word.
No one in Morocco can be forgetting the safe word without registering with the government.
I can’t believe you guys went forgetting the safe word without me! Loop me in next time, I want steady pumping too!


Binders full of women
np

Pool rules: No running. No binders full of women. Keep no clean towels out of the deep end.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of binders full of women.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned binders full of women. As a result, his men were well motivated.
I’m binders full of women in the streets, but his vagina in the sheets.
Binders full of women is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
We can’t ALL get away with treating women like binders full of women.

User
Being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls
v

Dad! I’m all done being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls, so I have a guillotine left over if you’re still interested.
You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls.
I like big pants like I like my coffee: being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls, put in a sack, and dragged across an extra kid.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls gets me into some awkward situations. But 50 years has always got my back.
“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried being so gay that you come full circle and end up liking girls.


An anime NOT set in high school.
n

Oh no! Obama put space Nazis in the water to turn an anime NOT set in high school. gay!
My kids keep installing an anime NOT set in high school. on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.
In a world with teen spirit blowing chunks, one man must overcome an anime NOT set in high school.. Coming this summer.
Making the best cookies requires infinite sausage and an anime NOT set in high school..
An anime NOT set in high school. is always a contest when I’m involved.
It’s not delivery. It’s an anime NOT set in high school..


Plot
nc

And my mother said, “How come you’re not plot like your brother?”
Furious that I was shaking into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into plot.
Pool rules: No running. No undressing. Keep plot out of the deep end.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up plot in every room.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was plot and tried to attack it.
I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with plot.


Watching hentai instead of normal porn
v

The new artsy indie game “All Creation” is a deeply emotional exploration of watching hentai instead of normal porn.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in watching hentai instead of normal porn.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than watching hentai instead of normal porn.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around watching hentai instead of normal porn on the freeway.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride crotchless panties. It made me feel like I was watching hentai instead of normal porn.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Watching hentai instead of normal porn can increase your breast size in three weeks!


Waiting for a sequel that'll never come
v

Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed waiting for a sequel that'll never come.
Vote for me and I’ll stop waiting for a sequel that'll never come, get rid of a carton of expired milk, and give everyone the bad cop for free.
Alexander also named a city in India “Waiting for a Sequel That'll Never Come” after his dead horse.
I’ve finally got the last of too much milk out of waiting for a sequel that'll never come.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am going as deep as possible. Would you like to try our new special, waiting for a sequel that'll never come?
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and waiting for a sequel that'll never come.


Weaboos
np

The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Weaboos-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving one large prostitute.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and Weaboos coming right at us. Please advise.
Life without love is like Weaboos without flailing or fruit.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a legless dog on a wheeled cart, score points by costing a lot of money, and Weaboos shall not be on the field.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me Weaboos.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen Weaboos.


The best girl
n

They don’t make Grandma’s ghost like they used to! This one doesn’t even have the best girl.
I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will tickle the best girl.
My wife is WAY better at the best girl than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
On the assembly line we heat the best girl to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is being shot at while fleeing.
I beat the best girl all the time!
The new bill before congress would require the best girl in all K-through-12 classrooms.

User
Monster girls
np

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was its opposite, part was a homeless man jerking it, and it was crowned with monster girls.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Monster Girls Does a Girl Who Knows What She Wants, but Not Quite How to Get It.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Monster Girls.
I didn’t think this house would sell with seed in the attic. Anyway, I’m monster girls.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was monster girls.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for monster girls


Phallic symbols
np

I can’t believe you forced my mom into phallic symbols! She’s 62!
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw phallic symbols overboard!
The Internet is made out of phallic symbols.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m phallic symbols.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get edible disguises removed from her and phallic symbols removed from me.
My nightly ritual involves phallic symbols, poorly orchestrated group sex, and finally a squirt of mustard just as I fall asleep.


Forced drama
nc

The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of forced drama.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted forced drama to the vastness of space.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Forced Drama and You”.
I don’t need love because I’m forced drama. Sorry mom!
I think that ecstasy was cut with forced drama. After one hit I began very, very rapidly being kicked repeatedly in the head.
At the Amazon Go store you can grab forced drama and walk right out the door without catchin’ heat for sellin’ a piece of ass.


Special mommy time
nc

If mom hears us talking about special mommy time we’ll be SO grounded!
Lonely guys in Japan can buy special mommy time that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
I pushed hard enough to snap the big ol’ boys, but some powerful kind of special mommy time was blocking the door.
You can’t keep running around like special mommy time, you’re endangering recalled pizza with glass in it!
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with these faggots and are ordered to be special mommy time no matter what.
I prayed to God for special mommy time, and God delivered!


Random beams of light
np

My religion demands that I must abstain from the women. Random beams of light however, is OK.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience random beams of light like I was really there.
I make the fuel line for my cat by tugging too hard with random beams of light. Oreo loves it!
There’s always time for random beams of light before breakfast.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with random beams of light.
For Halloween we’re peeling random beams of light so it feels like eyeballs, and we made white chocolate, if you know what I mean so it feels like brains.


QUALITY
nc

During the war, German scientists experimented with QUALITY to weaponize human body warmth.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use just plain racism to treat QUALITY!
The shockwave from falling into boiling water at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused QUALITY in the streets.
The best comfort food will always be greens, QUALITY, and fried chicken.
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a face-hugger spice, a crazy cat lady spice, and QUALITY spice!
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of QUALITY”! I shook his hand and it felt like QUALITY.


User
In an unexpected plot twist,   turned out to be  .
Play 2

In an unexpected plot twist, oil-covered birds turned out to be a soap bubble.
In an unexpected plot twist, good vibes turned out to be a washtub filled with a potent cocktail of orange juice and whiskey.
In an unexpected plot twist, honey turned out to be the president’s daughter.
In an unexpected plot twist, being carted away turned out to be scoring.
In an unexpected plot twist, a hurtling space rock turned out to be homo hot lips.
In an unexpected plot twist, adopting a Romanian baby turned out to be masturbating to pictures of dead animals.


When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than  .

When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than a boy with a penis.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than I don’t know what, but BILLIONS of them.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than Dad’s money.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than turning into a white woman.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than a vigorous grind.
When it comes to porn, nothing get me hotter than falling in love with a white girl.


Studio Trigger's new anime is about  .

Studio Trigger's new anime is about all the bacon.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about cutting.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about the white man’s burden.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about Walt Disney’s preserved ass cheeks.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about being killed in the Spanish civil war.
Studio Trigger's new anime is about a secret elevator button.


  : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!

being attacked by a skeleton : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
getting attacked by a garbage truck : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
a close friend : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
glittery eyelashes : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
my work : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!
my bacon strip : Once you pop, the fun don't stop!


Your   will pierce the heavens!

Your masturbating furiously will pierce the heavens!
Your an icky bug will pierce the heavens!
Your a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug will pierce the heavens!
Your an automated turret will pierce the heavens!
Your this asshole will pierce the heavens!
Your Satan’s latest abomination will pierce the heavens!


User
A dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence
n

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence”.
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence and her butthole.
A dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence: It’s nature’s candy!
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence.
Howdy neighbor, love a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence! Let’s get Sally the fat, FAT leopard sometime!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “A Dangerous Sociopath with a Long History of Violence and You”.

User
Everyone who knows me, knows I love  .

Everyone who knows me, knows I love a festively decorated corpse.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love just plain racism.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love a hole.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love floppin’ out my baby door.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love my mom teaching sex ed.
Everyone who knows me, knows I love sugar from my father.

User
Long-distance shotgun sniping
vt

Introducing, The Long-distance Shotgun Sniping diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
I can’t believe you guys went long-distance shotgun sniping without me! Loop me in next time, I want this very house too!
Slender and muscled, like a projectile. She was the spitting image of long-distance shotgun sniping.
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in long-distance shotgun sniping together.
Pundits agree it will take long-distance shotgun sniping for the senator to win the election.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with a robot body jumping and nipping at me from below and even long-distance shotgun sniping.

User
Pictures of creepy shit, like your family
np

The Internet is made out of pictures of creepy shit, like your family.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was pictures of creepy shit, like your family.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare pictures of creepy shit, like your family right at your table.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with no evidence of any infidelity went off early, ejecting pictures of creepy shit, like your family into the air!
John “pictures of creepy shit, like your family” Smith. The genius who brought us Michael Jackson and his boa constrictor.
Last Christmas, I gave you pictures of creepy shit, like your family. The very next day, you gave it away.

User
My festering ant wound
n

It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by my festering ant wound.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me my festering ant wound and it’s getting weird.
To change kitty’s litter: grab a genital louse, dig out any clumps, and refill with my festering ant wound.
My festering ant wound can actually erode rolling eyes, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
My favorite new band is “My Festering Ant Wound and Fuzzy Handcuffs”.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find my festering ant wound in the back seat.

User
A creepy shower
n

Back in my day, we only had an elephant with floppy trunk syndrome for a creepy shower and we LIKED IT.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a creepy shower destroyed and the alpha male killed as well.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A creepy shower and googly eyes.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into a creepy shower.
In my wild days I was jabbing people in the eye, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a creepy shower on the New Mexico border.
If I had the king and his family, you’d be a creepy shower!

User
Throwing your children at your enemies
v

In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had throwing your children at your enemies removed so she can live a normal life.
It’s not delivery. It’s throwing your children at your enemies.
You can’t keep running around like throwing your children at your enemies, you’re endangering some guy named Darryl!
My nightly ritual involves throwing your children at your enemies, being lured into a van, and finally smashing skulls just as I fall asleep.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only most people and throwing your children at your enemies.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all nearby sluts who want to fuck, right while I’m throwing your children at your enemies.

User
Fishnet stockings and a thong leotard
n

No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in fishnet stockings and a thong leotard!
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “a really long nose hair,” with a picture of fishnet stockings and a thong leotard.
Music without the sounds of fishnet stockings and a thong leotard is hardly music at all.
Until quite recently, fishnet stockings and a thong leotard had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Hello, 911? I think there’s fishnet stockings and a thong leotard in my house...
A good description of sex, suitable for children: Those responsible; fishnet stockings and a thong leotard; sharpened teeth.

User
An albino dominatrix
n

When you two are done hitting a man out of his wheelchair, can we please get an albino dominatrix and get out of here?!
My kids keep installing an albino dominatrix on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.
My nightly ritual involves the big ol’ boys, a hanging body, and finally an albino dominatrix just as I fall asleep.
Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with an albino dominatrix, a naturopathic remedy.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: An albino dominatrix; that dirty little louse; gassing.
An albino dominatrix? That’s my fetish!

User
  is a very specific fetish, but is one which this establishment can cater to.

just a coincidence is a very specific fetish, but is one which this establishment can cater to.
rolling eyes is a very specific fetish, but is one which this establishment can cater to.
putting on pants is a very specific fetish, but is one which this establishment can cater to.
hate-fucking is a very specific fetish, but is one which this establishment can cater to.
exact science is a very specific fetish, but is one which this establishment can cater to.
something even sexier is a very specific fetish, but is one which this establishment can cater to.

User
No civil rights
np

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had sharp claws removed so he could be no civil rights.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is no civil rights.
In a world with no civil rights brimming with babies, one man must overcome a guilty little boy. Coming this summer.
I scream, you scream, no civil rights, a tard!
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with no civil rights. I barely even felt a grand staircase.
Daddy! There’s no civil rights under my bed. Kill it kill it!

User
I learned the hard way that there will be   in the apocalypse.

I learned the hard way that there will be dying evil in the apocalypse.
I learned the hard way that there will be good, Christian values in the apocalypse.
I learned the hard way that there will be skin slack in the apocalypse.
I learned the hard way that there will be amputated eyelids in the apocalypse.
I learned the hard way that there will be the taste of Rohypnol in the apocalypse.
I learned the hard way that there will be very expensive gelato in the apocalypse.

User
Reading your thought words
np

In a world with reading your thought words pushing it deeper, one man must overcome my shadow. Coming this summer.
Man invented reading your thought words, so woman invented my bisexuality.
But I promised I would get my kids reading your thought words for Christmas!
I never expected to be fingered by reading your thought words.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit a very old jellybean and acquire reading your thought words!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all reading your thought words when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!

User
Born into a war you don’t fully understand
nc

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on born into a war you don’t fully understand.
I reached expectantly into an entire 8th-grader, but found only born into a war you don’t fully understand.
In public restrooms I always put born into a war you don’t fully understand on the toilet before sitting down.
My girlfriend kicked almost no air left, and now she’s born into a war you don’t fully understand. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
Science never solves a problem without creating born into a war you don’t fully understand.
I looked up “born into a war you don’t fully understand” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving milking a buffalo.

User
Accidental Asians
np

Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in accidental Asians.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at honey and my card appeared in accidental Asians!
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of accidental Asians circumcising your dad.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Accidental Asians”! I shook his hand and it felt like accidental Asians.
Until quite recently, accidental Asians had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
You spent all your food-stamps on accidental Asians?!

User
This old busted shit
np

Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain this old busted shit?
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “this old busted shit,” with a picture of a sack of otters.
I will do anything for a period. But I won’t do this old busted shit!
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed this old busted shit.
The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as freshly squozen poo water and comes with 1 USB-C port and this old busted shit! Groovy!
We’re having an emaciated bovine situation. Watch out for this old busted shit and please stand by...

User
Delicious chocolate and broken Dreamcasts
np

These special lenses help colorblind people see that delicious chocolate and broken Dreamcasts is shitting all over me.
Always walk into an interview with some mysterious jelly and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate delicious chocolate and broken Dreamcasts.
If you kids don’t stop choking bitches, I will turn delicious chocolate and broken Dreamcasts around!
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt delicious chocolate and broken Dreamcasts in the sea.
I’ve been chopping down Angelina Jolie’s lips to build delicious chocolate and broken Dreamcasts for me and my wife.
My religion demands that I must abstain from delicious chocolate and broken Dreamcasts. A boyfriend shaped bed however, is OK.

User
A pneumatic bidet
n

In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch a pneumatic bidet at the girls camp.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and a pneumatic bidet in the Philippines.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! A pneumatic bidet can increase your breast size in three weeks!
A-Pneumatic-Bidet-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Pneumatic Bidet”! I shook his hand and it felt like a pneumatic bidet.
A billboard on my way home had a picture of a pneumatic bidet and the words “vibrating my pineal gland”. I don’t get it!

User
Well butter   and call me  !
Play 2

Well butter a 57-foot-diameter tunnel boring machine and call me the instructions!
Well butter dicking around and call me Satan’s dark little snatch!
Well butter a dream and call me spiders laying eggs in my butt!
Well butter the bad cop and call me instant death!
Well butter ass and call me blowing chunks!
Well butter waiting to kill and call me getting too excited!

User
Her butthole areola, or whatever it's called
nc

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking her butthole areola, or whatever it's called onto the International Space Station.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by her butthole areola, or whatever it's called.
People in Taiwan are getting her butthole areola, or whatever it's called implanted in their bodies for receiving a lot of money.
The city put in new road signs to indicate her butthole areola, or whatever it's called just up ahead.
Daddy! There’s her butthole areola, or whatever it's called under my bed. Kill it kill it!
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find her butthole areola, or whatever it's called, turkey tacos and mom.

User
A Japanese girl in need of a Viking funeral
n

At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a Japanese girl in need of a Viking funeral into women’s purses and bags.
I never expected to be fingered by a Japanese girl in need of a Viking funeral.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a Japanese girl in need of a Viking funeral.
I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got a Japanese girl in need of a Viking funeral out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha!
I will do anything for a Japanese girl in need of a Viking funeral. But I won’t do that!
I’ve finally got the last of a succulent jumbo prawn out of a Japanese girl in need of a Viking funeral.

User
The sensation of having the back of your neck licked
n

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore the sensation of having the back of your neck licked in a very realistic way.
Daddy! There’s the sensation of having the back of your neck licked under my bed. Kill it kill it!
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in the sensation of having the back of your neck licked.
Gather round, family, it’s time to hang the sensation of having the back of your neck licked on the Christmas tree.
I heard you were talking about the sensation of having the back of your neck licked so I had to come over!
That kind of attitude is why we have the sensation of having the back of your neck licked now.

User
Kung-fu fighting
vt

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Kung-fu fighting.
For Halloween we’re peeling a uniquely adapted slave race so it feels like eyeballs, and we made kung-fu fighting so it feels like brains.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn kung-fu fighting, but now for work I’m a gentleman with the tummy grumbles. Go figure!
Senator, give us kung-fu fighting biannually and you’ll get our vote.
Life without love is like kung-fu fighting without recalled pizza with glass in it or fruit.
I will do anything for kung-fu fighting. But I won’t do that!



A magical ethnic person
n

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a magical ethnic person.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a magical ethnic person.
In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped a magical ethnic person in the toilet and touched bedding on the wall.
I bought a magical ethnic person yesterday and now I can’t stop blowing in my ear!
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a magical ethnic person in the sky.
I want to be buried with a magical ethnic person.



A noble hobo
n

I could tell a noble hobo had ended up behind me when I felt Donald Trump’s tweets as I backed up.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with a noble hobo.
Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold, which has the hole right in a noble hobo.
Dagnabbit! I got a noble hobo all jammed up in the wheel well again.
a horse’s mouth is where a noble hobo goes to die.
There’s a noble hobo convention going on and everybody is sticking it to the man.


User
My Ellen Paige photo album
nc

A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been cuddling. The snail may have escaped my Ellen Paige photo album by going underground.
The hardware store didn’t have desperate dog sex left, so I got my Ellen Paige photo album.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have my Ellen Paige photo album.
James Bond will return in “The Man With my Ellen Paige photo album”!
Work my Ellen Paige photo album up until frothing before spreading across the taxpayers, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
Wolves don’t eat my Ellen Paige photo album, and neither should kings.

User
1000 slim jims
np

When 1000 slim jims hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
1000 slim jims like this is enough to kill a horse!
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with 1000 slim jims slowly overtaking the buildings.
People in Taiwan are getting 1000 slim jims implanted in their bodies for smoking crack.
I buried my treasure under 1000 slim jims so you’d never find it!
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found 1000 slim jims.


Dying
vt

I thought I was alone with dying evil but my mom walked in. We got to dying and I felt better.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling 20 dollars. The driver was dying.
Growing up we never had their white asses, but we had to deal with dying, and I want the opposite for my children.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about dying.
See now black people walk like a tard. But white people -- white people walk like they’re dying!
chocolate? Or maybe poop is where dying goes to die.


My unfinished homework
nc

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had my unfinished homework destroyed and extremely poor judgment killed as well.
My unfinished homework is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
I will do anything for my unfinished homework. But I won’t do that!
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got my unfinished homework painted on both sides, which some say encourages the sound of someone sipping soup.
Today I bought a pig on top from the back of a van. They also threw in my unfinished homework, which I didn’t even think was legal.
The White House will no longer enforce The My Unfinished Homework Act of 1959. Thank God.


Dressed up as my dog for Halloween
np

Dressed up as my dog for Halloween: It’s nature’s candy!
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into dressed up as my dog for Halloween, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start the working man.
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl on dressed up as my dog for Halloween, or even some kind of the president’s daughter scene.
My spirit animal: dressed up as my dog for Halloween.
Dressed up as my dog for Halloween! Dressed up as my dog for Halloween! My kingdom for dressed up as my dog for Halloween!
I clean dressed up as my dog for Halloween by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up suggesting a murder.


The cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog
n

I got into my car and sat on the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: The cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog with hands-free massage.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog popped out!
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog that overturned their car.
I ordered the cold, limp remains of what used to be a dog privately over the Internet so I can get better at being fucking dead.


My collection of my ex wife's discarded hair
nc

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from three babies in a backpack, and the eco-glass windows trap in my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair.
Always hold on to my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair to remember me.
It was awful, in the middle of intimate time, my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair came out onto the bed.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
If you have a dream about taking a flying leap, it means you’re worried about my collection of my ex wife's discarded hair.
My collection of my ex wife's discarded hair is a temporary setback on the road to snuggling with Ian McKellen!


A slimy tentacle monster
n

Although moving away from a slimy tentacle monster proved effective for schools, the switch to some bitch named Carol initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Every French soldier carries a slimy tentacle monster in his knapsack.
This land is a slimy tentacle monster land, this land is a mafia hitman land.
No one in Morocco can be a slimy tentacle monster without registering with the government.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of a slimy tentacle monster.
Honey, you can’t keep putting a slimy tentacle monster down the garbage disposal!


A lumpy space princess
n

Our artisanal process ages a lumpy space princess for 3 years, before going right into Yakety Sax, rapidly getting stepped on by a dominatrix.
The patient kept screaming about “caustic solvent”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a lumpy space princess emerged!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in a lumpy space princess!
My pharmacist separated a lumpy space princess into two parts, and carefully lowered one into Dad’s ass.
You’re not a mom! You’re just a lumpy space princess!
I’m shoving so few little turds in the ground, in hopes that a lumpy space princess comes and harvests it.


Six gummy bears and some scotch
np

Six gummy bears and some scotch? That’s my fetish!
My dream house has too much wiggling built in, an extra garage for six gummy bears and some scotch, and bitches on the love throne for the door bell.
The president’s tweet reads: “The six gummy bears and some scotch story is a hoax! Just an excuse by no clean towels for blacking out and making a sex sound! Very sad and sick!”
This new Mario game is weird. You need irresponsible parenting to attack goombas and coins are exclusively for buying six gummy bears and some scotch.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be six gummy bears and some scotch if I wanted a new family.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise Samuel L. Jackson’s pubic area by rewarding them with six gummy bears and some scotch.


User
10,000 Syrian refugees
np

In my wild days I was catchin’ heat for sellin’ a piece of ass, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with 10,000 Syrian refugees on the New Mexico border.
No more 10,000 Syrian refugees at Starbucks.
Always hold on to 10,000 Syrian refugees to remember me.
I buried my treasure under 10,000 Syrian refugees so you’d never find it!
Military scientists in Syria found traces of 10,000 Syrian refugees in the soil.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned 10,000 Syrian refugees. As a result, his men were well motivated.


Extremely tight trousers
np

Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain extremely tight trousers?
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, extremely tight trousers, toilet paper, shelter, and black votes.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate extremely tight trousers.
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of extremely tight trousers, ginger beer, and a squeeze of a real jerk-off. Serve in a close friend.
It’s lucky to touch extremely tight trousers; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began extremely tight trousers.


Multiple Personality Disorder
nc

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with Multiple Personality Disorder.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt Multiple Personality Disorder in the sea.
To change kitty’s litter: grab the island and everyone on it, dig out any clumps, and refill with Multiple Personality Disorder.
I don’t think that even comes close to being Multiple Personality Disorder.
Dagnabbit! I got Multiple Personality Disorder all jammed up in the wheel well again.
I think that ecstasy was cut with Multiple Personality Disorder. After one hit I began very, very rapidly spiking a pug.


A dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot
n

At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot and can be used for working me up into a frenzy.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot.
You spent all your food-stamps on a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot?!
I went rafting, saw a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot in the river, no big deal.
It’s not delivery. It’s a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot.
My girlfriend kicked sex, and now she’s a dragon dildo bigger than your left work boot. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!


The internet
n

The internet really messes up my butt complexion!
Little girls are made of sugar, spice, and the internet.
These special lenses help colorblind people see that the internet is being a bitch.
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need the internet and scary men.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded the internet and now I’m having trouble with the Lord.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a sex swing mishap destroyed and the internet killed as well.


Pornstars
np

The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for pornstars.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with pornstars in his lap.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s throating, with a caring, understanding man around the edges, and pornstars on top.
My spirit animal: pornstars.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with pornstars jumping and nipping at me from below and even humping people.
So what I’m saying is we have pornstars to thank for Obama’s America.


Puppets representing all the important people in your life
v

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be puppets representing all the important people in your life if I wanted a new family.
The media’s nonstop coverage of $200 worth of Taco Bell™ is just to distract us from puppets representing all the important people in your life.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all various fluids, right while I’m puppets representing all the important people in your life.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen puppets representing all the important people in your life.
The patient kept screaming about “puppets representing all the important people in your life”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and nasty boys emerged!
Although moving away from puppets representing all the important people in your life proved effective for schools, the switch to a strangler initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.


Demonstrating what never to do
v

There’s the community buttplug convention going on and everybody is demonstrating what never to do.
I chipped my tooth on each hole, sequentially. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t demonstrating what never to do.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk demonstrating what never to do.
I beat demonstrating what never to do all the time!
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am demonstrating what never to do. Would you like to try our new special, murdering?
I saw a short muscular rectum down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be demonstrating what never to do with us.”


User
The magic of live theatre
nc

Jesus is the magic of live theatre.
The magic of live theatre can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
The truly rich have mansions with a dumpster fire room, a phone ringing off the hook room, and servants to handle the magic of live theatre.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy the next time, and you get the magic of live theatre as a sign up bonus.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “the magic of live theatre.”
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use the magic of live theatre to treat a smiling idiot!



American Gladiators
np

I found out why I’m always sick... they found American Gladiators in the walls at my office.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, Iron Maiden’s 747, sloth, wrath, American Gladiators, and pride.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around American Gladiators on the freeway.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is American Gladiators.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was American Gladiators.
We can be American Gladiators. And no one has to know.



Bingeing and purging
vt

All the best love stories include bingeing and purging.
What the evil thinking department lacks in selection, we make up for in bingeing and purging.
Daddy, what’s bingeing and purging? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Opioids help people with bingeing and purging, but then they cant poop.
I thought I was alone with hot grills but my mom walked in. We got to bingeing and purging and I felt better.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then bingeing and purging really affected me.



Slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth
v

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth.
The problem with America is slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in a certain je ne sais quoi. That’s supposed to help me with slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth?!
We couldn’t land because of a grape in a condom caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth.
My spirit animal: slapping a biscuit out of an orphan's mouth.



Jerking off into a pool of children's tears
v

I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still jerking off into a pool of children's tears!
Life without love is like jerking off into a pool of children's tears without a protective membrane or fruit.
People in Taiwan are getting a well-rehearsed lie implanted in their bodies for jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw my momma’s fatness in the mirror! And it smelled like jerking off into a pool of children's tears in there! I’m so scared!
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of jerking off into a pool of children's tears.
Furious that I was jerking off into a pool of children's tears into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into female breast tissue.



Lumberjack fantasies
np

Chimps in the wild have been observed using lumberjack fantasies to forage for food.
Lumberjack fantasies is the spice of a bunch of kids.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to lumberjack fantasies.
My wife is WAY better at lumberjack fantasies than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
It’s time to scrape the remains of lumberjack fantasies off the driveway.
If you kids don’t stop terrorizing that pussy, I will turn lumberjack fantasies around!



A much younger woman
n

For my last meal I want the loudest possible noise seasoned lightly with a much younger woman.
At my 9th birthday, we had a much younger woman piñata that burst open showering tainted love on us kids.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a much younger woman going straight to hell for this.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a much younger woman onto the International Space Station.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a much younger woman in the back seat.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a much younger woman in the pillows.



Ejaculating inside another man's wife
v

At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like a frantic woman and can be used for ejaculating inside another man's wife.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for ejaculating inside another man's wife.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling the princess’s saliva. The driver was ejaculating inside another man's wife.
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: ejaculating inside another man's wife!!!
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of ejaculating inside another man's wife.
Great job on the proposal for ejaculating inside another man's wife, Dave! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a rotting infant carcass.


User
Who needs friends when you have  ?

Who needs friends when you have twerking while uncontrollably farting?
Who needs friends when you have a comfortable spot?
Who needs friends when you have just rockin’ that ass?
Who needs friends when you have a Powerpoint presentation?
Who needs friends when you have a complete set of cybernetic implants?
Who needs friends when you have anything on the face of this earth?



I get by with a little help from  .

I get by with a little help from a fatal bee sting on the anus.
I get by with a little help from an enraged bee.
I get by with a little help from the winning lottery numbers.
I get by with a little help from listening to sad music and being sad.
I get by with a little help from your mom’s bathroom.
I get by with a little help from most of my money.



I got pulled over the other day when I was  . Apparently, that's a crime.

I got pulled over the other day when I was a kidney in an ice box. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was sweat and dead skin. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was a dumpster fire. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was the only thing left. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was hula hoops. Apparently, that's a crime.
I got pulled over the other day when I was a wiggly meat tube. Apparently, that's a crime.



When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of  .

When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of an ancient Indian burial ground.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of ice cold seawater.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of a deathbed.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of sudden nudity.
When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of lips.


User
I ate   whilst   on the way to school.
Play 2

I ate just plain racism whilst serving humanity on the way to school.
I ate getting all fucked up on PCP whilst a violent sneeze on the way to school.
I ate a hotdog whilst crotch rot on the way to school.
I ate an enraged bee whilst a deathbed on the way to school.
I ate a big slow boat whilst getting snapped in half on the way to school.
I ate big pants whilst bloodlust on the way to school.



In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of  .

In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of an odd number of titties.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of bromance.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of $10.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of a mutilated torso.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of the toilet.
In the far future, the 2010s will be known as the Golden Age of a loaded gun.



On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with  .

On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with it to come out the other end.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with that ass.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with a bunch of vulvas in my face.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with beautiful girl hair.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with burning my junk.
On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with 40,000°F plasma.



 , the breakfast of champions.

a cheesy substance, the breakfast of champions.
black votes, the breakfast of champions.
spandex, the breakfast of champions.
subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife, the breakfast of champions.
being dipped in Nutella, the breakfast of champions.
my VERY jealous, protective pet spider, the breakfast of champions.



My only regret is never having   while  .
Play 2

My only regret is never having your greasy food hole while butter sauce.
My only regret is never having you and me while irresponsible parenting.
My only regret is never having being pickled while a slut who will do anything.
My only regret is never having a prybar while needing one more inch.
My only regret is never having many people while the Hell pits.
My only regret is never having a cat in a paper bag while a suitcase full of guns and money.




User
Deep-fried Snickers bars at various stages of consumption
np

In future times, the children will work together to build deep-fried Snickers bars at various stages of consumption.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Deep-fried Snickers Bars at Various Stages of Consumption!” You’re cursed with my swollen jaw until the end of the game!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all deep-fried Snickers bars at various stages of consumption when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
Don’t look at me while I’m deep-fried Snickers bars at various stages of consumption! It messes me up!
We can’t ALL get away with treating women like deep-fried Snickers bars at various stages of consumption.
Rescue crews with a helicopter took 3 hours to rescue a bus full of deep-fried Snickers bars at various stages of consumption hanging over the freeway.

User
My Asian lady body
nc

In future times, the children will work together to build my Asian lady body.
I’m gonna prove the link between my Asian lady body and hands-free massage! You’ll all see!
My Asian lady body? That’s my fetish!
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me my Asian lady body and it’s getting weird.
My girlfriend kicked your panties, and now she’s my Asian lady body. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
The only thing standing in your way is my Asian lady body.

User
A woman's crevasse
n

So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find a woman's crevasse all lubed up, ready to go. Ew!
Make sure to hang being picked in a tree so a woman's crevasse leaves your tent alone.
The only thing standing in your way is a woman's crevasse.
For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood a woman's crevasse.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy a madhouse! A madhouse!, and you get a woman's crevasse as a sign up bonus.
Instructions unclear: got a woman's crevasse stuck in meaningless symbols.

User
A dog's gentle smile
nc

The TSA has made new rules mandating a dog's gentle smile on every commercial flight.
Daddy, what’s a dog's gentle smile? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate a dog's gentle smile.
I want to be buried with a dog's gentle smile.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a dog's gentle smile over my head, but Snoop Dogg’s magic umbrella got in the way.
I got so drunk last night that I got a dog's gentle smile all over everyone and everything.

User
Beef stains
np

At LAX travelers were horrified to see beef stains spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Cuts on the Wall Co., tapping into the growing market for beef stains.
I heard you were talking about beef stains so I had to come over!
Beef stains: It’s nature’s candy!
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy beef stains from dispensaries.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Beef Stains!



Hearing someone's ass jiggle
v

Make sure to hang hearing someone's ass jiggle in a tree so the grossest whiff of minty poot leaves your tent alone.
hearing someone's ass jiggle is where conjuring goes to die.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for hearing someone's ass jiggle.
Let’s wait for a woman’s ankles to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get hearing someone's ass jiggle.
You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were hearing someone's ass jiggle.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in one thousand scorpions. That’s supposed to help me with hearing someone's ass jiggle?!



Ass jiggling noise
v

My favorite new band is “Ass Jiggling Noise and a Reception Area for Social Events”.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is ass jiggling noise.
10% of all proceeds from sales of a tiny bone fragment will go to The Ass Jiggling Noise Foundation.
While I was out the Roomba got into failure and was ass jiggling noise.
Ass jiggling noise is the only way to say goodbye.
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all ass jiggling noise when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!



Natural home birth
nc

Natural home birth can actually erode a deep cut, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by natural home birth.
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl on natural home birth, or even some kind of a quality buttplug scene.
I like my women like I like natural home birth: gettin’ all up close with closing her legs.
I didn’t mean to start natural home birth, it just happened!
The night before Easter, we’ll set up natural home birth on the porch to surprise the kids.




"Is this  , or am I just being racist?"

"Is this sobbing silently to yourself as the night closes in, or am I just being racist?"
"Is this my father’s example, or am I just being racist?"
"Is this white chocolate, if you know what I mean, or am I just being racist?"
"Is this succumbing to nature, or am I just being racist?"
"Is this nut sack hairs, or am I just being racist?"
"Is this white people and their fucking problems, or am I just being racist?"

User
A new species of loud, stupid animal
n

I saw a new species of loud, stupid animal down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be the killing of educated adults with us.”
I’m late to my meeting for a new species of loud, stupid animal.
In public restrooms I always put a new species of loud, stupid animal on the toilet before sitting down.
10% of all proceeds from sales of a new species of loud, stupid animal will go to The Really Bad Teeth Foundation.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but a new species of loud, stupid animal.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a new species of loud, stupid animal... Sweet! Sunny-D!



An impenetrable wall of swine
n

I found out why I’m always sick... they found an impenetrable wall of swine in the walls at my office.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by an impenetrable wall of swine and a shotgun, a shovel, and a backyard.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for an impenetrable wall of swine.
This year’s hottest new fashion is an impenetrable wall of swine on your head.
You’re not a mom! You’re just an impenetrable wall of swine!
This land is fictitious queer same sex transformation land, this land is an impenetrable wall of swine land.


User
Homonecrophilia
nc

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from a tiny bone fragment, and the eco-glass windows trap in homonecrophilia.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as homonecrophilia.
Opinions are like homonecrophilia. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
It’s not delivery. It’s homonecrophilia.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into homonecrophilia and stopped.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of homonecrophilia.

User
The militias fighting   have a diversity problem.

The militias fighting a scary noise have a diversity problem.
The militias fighting maximum bitch mode have a diversity problem.
The militias fighting 19GB of horseporn have a diversity problem.
The militias fighting sudsy bodies have a diversity problem.
The militias fighting a one hundred dollar bill have a diversity problem.
The militias fighting spiders again have a diversity problem.



Being   is great. Unless you're a woman.

Being drinking wine in the tub all day is great. Unless you're a woman.
Being rude kids is great. Unless you're a woman.
Being a virus is great. Unless you're a woman.
Being “forensic evidence” (semen) is great. Unless you're a woman.
Being getting tickled until you bust a nut is great. Unless you're a woman.
Being answers to all of life’s questions is great. Unless you're a woman.



Here are nine ways becoming   is right for millennials.

Here are nine ways becoming cranberry sauce or juice is right for millennials.
Here are nine ways becoming those responsible is right for millennials.
Here are nine ways becoming circumcising your dad is right for millennials.
Here are nine ways becoming my sexual partners is right for millennials.
Here are nine ways becoming imaginary friend, Captain Howdy is right for millennials.
Here are nine ways becoming exhuming is right for millennials.



I just discovered that defending yourself from   is actually bad for you.

I just discovered that defending yourself from Taco Bell® is actually bad for you.
I just discovered that defending yourself from organizing children to join armies is actually bad for you.
I just discovered that defending yourself from a child drowning in a vat of molasses is actually bad for you.
I just discovered that defending yourself from doing surgery on LSD is actually bad for you.
I just discovered that defending yourself from the last great American is actually bad for you.
I just discovered that defending yourself from getting infected is actually bad for you.




A rag-tag band of misfits
np

I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a rag-tag band of misfits popped out!
I’ve finally got the last of sufficient funds out of a rag-tag band of misfits.
I prayed to God for a rag-tag band of misfits, and God delivered!
Politics. The a Rag-tag Band of Misfits Party, is always trying to shove the collar around my neck down our throats. This time it’s a little spurt.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Rag-tag Band of Misfits Does Their Own Mothers.
At the skating rink there was a rag-tag band of misfits and everyone fell down at once.



Hell Skeletons
np

So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s Hell Skeletons.
You’re not a mom! You’re just Hell Skeletons!
When Hell Skeletons is ready, a crudely-drawn dick will appear.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate Hell Skeletons to prepare for a mission to mars.
Aron Ralston was trapped under cough syrup for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off Hell Skeletons!
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in Hell Skeletons.

User
A tiny crack pipe
n

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a tiny crack pipe.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of all the food in history, rode into battle atop a tiny crack pipe.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A TINY CRACK PIPE SHITTING A BOWLING BALL.”
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a tiny crack pipe, score points by serving humanity, and a Turkish wedding shall not be on the field.
If a tiny crack pipe were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a tiny crack pipe.



User
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it  .

The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it lurching about in the yard.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it a well-oiled machine.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it the thing hanging out of my butt.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it a sloppy blowjob.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it quitting Facebook.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it turkey gravy.



Partially exposed underbuns
np

After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “partially exposed underbuns
In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped partially exposed underbuns in the toilet and touched a sex-addicted panda on the wall.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and partially exposed underbuns coming right at us. Please advise.
The terrorists will execute partially exposed underbuns every 20 minutes until they receive what I’ve done.
Ok, I’ll admit partially exposed underbuns might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in my shadow.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Partially exposed underbuns can increase your breast size in three weeks!



Nonlinear genetics
np

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate nonlinear genetics.
For my last meal I want nonlinear genetics seasoned lightly with teen spirit.
More armies need to incorporate nonlinear genetics into their uniforms.
Monopoly: Racist Bullshit Edition comes with swindling queers and nonlinear genetics instead of houses and hotels.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Respected Neurosurgeon” and it helps me with nonlinear genetics.
Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other, are the passages for nonlinear genetics to flow.



Superstring theory
v

Superstring theory while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of getting fat.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was superstring theory.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep superstring theory out of mainland China.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw superstring theory flavor and then the whole bottle of sleeping pills flavor.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s curious bisexuals in love with superstring theory very much they do a... special hug.”
A coma travelled over 20 feet after superstring theory.



The sickness unto death
n

This food is so good it’s making the sickness unto death quiver!
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned the sickness unto death. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Always hold on to the sickness unto death to remember me.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with the sickness unto death.
The fire department came around and complained that we had too many pendulous breasts plugged into the sickness unto death.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with the sickness unto death!”



An especially stupid 5-year old
n

I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about an especially stupid 5-year old and my skin. Should I talk to him?
Politics. The Bacteria, Fish Eggs, and Zooplankton Party, is always trying to shove an extra kid down our throats. This time it’s an especially stupid 5-year old.
This year’s hottest new fashion is an especially stupid 5-year old on your head.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember an especially stupid 5-year old?”
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl on Katy Perry’s kitty, Kitty Purry, or even some kind of an especially stupid 5-year old scene.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: an especially stupid 5-year old.



My lesbian experience with loneliness
nc

If my lesbian experience with loneliness were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on my lesbian experience with loneliness.
How embarrassing! I forget I left my lesbian experience with loneliness in the foyer.
Go, go, Gadget My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness!
Back in my day, we only had honey for my lesbian experience with loneliness and we LIKED IT.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found my lesbian experience with loneliness.


User
Man who knew   were so much work? They’re just like  .
Play 2

Man who knew sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt were so much work? They’re just like Satan’s latest abomination.
Man who knew mandibles were so much work? They’re just like giving good solid advice.
Man who knew a little piece of shit were so much work? They’re just like a tattered jockstrap.
Man who knew a dust bunny were so much work? They’re just like throwing a 9 year old.
Man who knew one more were so much work? They’re just like mood enhancing hormones.
Man who knew Gene Simmons’ tongue were so much work? They’re just like nothing at all.



Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements:  ,  ,  
Play 3

Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: an enhanced interrogation, cuddling, 50 years
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: proving she’s a witch, Mexican forces, no more joy
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: the white man, going as deep as possible, a jackhammer
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: hot, sweaty, wall-slamming sex, a human-sized harness, a harbor for your unclean thoughts
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: both ends, taking it hard, such grace
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: gettin’ all up close, S&M gear, tunneling around



This is the story of how   invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find  .
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This is the story of how being attacked by a skeleton invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find swamp ass.
This is the story of how my beautiful, transgender father invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find tainted love.
This is the story of how running around slamming doors invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find little turds everywhere.
This is the story of how shaking invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find Oprah’s smile.
This is the story of how getting wrapped around a tree invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find breast meat.
This is the story of how dinosaurs invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find claws.



Friends ask to use  . Winners get paid to use  
Play 2

Friends ask to use secret Jews. Winners get paid to use all white moms
Friends ask to use the collar around my neck. Winners get paid to use the dark place of eternal stillness
Friends ask to use great tits. Winners get paid to use girl problems
Friends ask to use taking a flying leap. Winners get paid to use curious bisexuals
Friends ask to use a gay vagina. Winners get paid to use suggesting a murder
Friends ask to use a wet tongue. Winners get paid to use crush beast



Missed connections: You were  . I was  ,   as you hurried towards your destination.
Play 3

Missed connections: You were the only thing left. I was sinking into the mud, getting hella preggers as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were biking down the Luxor. I was letting her in, cooter muscles as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were sinuses. I was a penis and a vagina, a piñata full of cigarettes as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were blowing in my ear. I was a shotgun, a shovel, and a backyard, a big bomb as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were popping out of the ground. I was the last breath of a dying man, running with a floppy, out-of-control hand as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were farting like a bagpipe. I was a respected neurosurgeon, an extremely uncomfortable mattress as you hurried towards your destination.



It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on  .

It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on seduction.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on an ankle holster.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on fictitious queer same sex transformation.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on real, actual witchcraft.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on the orbital socket.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on not noticing.



The tragic story of a love triangle between  ,  , and  .
Play 3

The tragic story of a love triangle between brimming with babies, a heron, and a honey bee’s brain.
The tragic story of a love triangle between a face-hugger, half a spider, and a boy with a penis.
The tragic story of a love triangle between feeling fat and sassy, a gynecological procedure, and pandering to the normies.
The tragic story of a love triangle between a needle, getting all fucked up on PCP, and many people.
The tragic story of a love triangle between a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other, a bullet hole, and getting impregnated by an advanced robot.
The tragic story of a love triangle between baseless hatred, a bad chicken, and beautiful girl hair.



You've got  , and  , and  . All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
Play 3

You've got Dad’s money, and pregnancy, and a twisted horror body creeping down the stairs. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got any decent person, and another way in, and this worthless orphan. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got barely any swag, and very expensive gelato, and a deathbed. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got squirting acid, and an Easy-Bake™ oven, and the caboose of a mantrain. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got heavy hearts, and something equivalent, and godless heathens. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got doing it again, and a special little fuck, and landlady bosoms. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.




Robot vaginas
np

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience robot vaginas like I was really there.
Men, like a censor bar, go farthest when they are robot vaginas.
No more robot vaginas at Starbucks.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find robot vaginas so relaxing.
More armies need to incorporate robot vaginas into their uniforms.
I think a lot of people would pay to see robot vaginas.



Real vaginas
np

I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about harsh chemicals and real vaginas. Should I talk to him?
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but real vaginas.
Ever since the incident with real vaginas I’ve been haunted by automated mechanized death.
Real vaginas is the only way to say goodbye.
Work BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM up until frothing before spreading across real vaginas, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
I tried to sneak out of the store with an eyebrow under one arm and real vaginas down my pants.



The Barbarella bondage lien of apparel
nc

We can’t ALL get away with treating women like the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel happens.
I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel down the gopher holes.
During my driving test, I backed my car into the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel. I still got an 85!
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel and are ordered to be my hot little hands no matter what.



Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™
n

At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™. That’s supposed to help me with aged beef?!
Ugh. I ate Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™ last night and I’ve been trying to put on insane shoes all morning.
For my last meal I want Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™ seasoned lightly with a leak.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™ removed from her and an email removed from me.
Furious that I was being kicked repeatedly in the head into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™.



An exit strategy
n

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with an exit strategy.
I don’t need love because I’m an exit strategy. Sorry mom!
What the orgies department lacks in selection, we make up for in an exit strategy.
When the suspect’s car crashed, an exit strategy launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a very hot pan
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of an exit strategy vibrating my pineal gland.
Today I bought an exit strategy from the back of a van. They also threw in the instructions, which I didn’t even think was legal.



Copious amounts of drool
np

I couldn’t see the eclipse because of copious amounts of drool in the sky.
I like truck stop sex like I like my coffee: being unfit to even live, put in a sack, and dragged across copious amounts of drool.
Shepherds in Scotland have used Woman 2.0 for years to keep the flock from copious amounts of drool.
The HOA says I can’t raise copious amounts of drool on my property. Meanwhile no word about spinning blades at the Jones’s!
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate copious amounts of drool.
Always hold on to copious amounts of drool to remember me.



An eye patch with gems
n

I was so surprised to see salt that an eye patch with gems fell out of my mouth.
Pundits agree it will take an eye patch with gems for the senator to win the election.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: An Eye Patch with Gems Blast!
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am an eye patch with gems. Would you like to try our new special, Angelina Jolie’s lips?
Every French soldier carries an eye patch with gems in his knapsack.
We put an eye patch with gems in your tea!



Cyborg eyes
np

How embarrassing! I forget I left cyborg eyes in the foyer.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see cyborg eyes spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw cyborg eyes overboard!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw cyborg eyes in the mirror! And it smelled like alien parasite larvae in there! I’m so scared!
You evaded my “Cyborg Eyes” attack! Most impressive.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about cyborg eyes, but with dope!



Lasers
np

I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have lasers.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind before lasers.
I came with overzealous product placement to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought lasers so nobody even noticed!
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about lasers?
Apparently, “Lasers” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
You spent all your food-stamps on lasers?!



Glittery romantic vampires
np

In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of glittery romantic vampires.
At the coffee shop they put “glittery romantic vampires” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
When the stadium was demolished it revealed glittery romantic vampires, bringing onlookers from far and wide.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking glittery romantic vampires onto the International Space Station.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than glittery romantic vampires.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of glittery romantic vampires in the soil.



That Which Must Not Be Named
nc

The Great Wall was actually built to keep That Which Must Not Be Named out of mainland China.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, That Which Must Not Be Named emerged.
James Bond will return in “The Man With That Which Must Not Be Named”!
When I get older, I don’t want to be That Which Must Not Be Named.
Let my salvation host your next party, providing That Which Must Not Be Named like you’ve never experienced before.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not That Which Must Not Be Named like your brother?”



Heterosexual sex in the missionary position
nc

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to heterosexual sex in the missionary position.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with heterosexual sex in the missionary position.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in heterosexual sex in the missionary position in the middle of each intersection.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still heterosexual sex in the missionary position!
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with heterosexual sex in the missionary position! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me heterosexual sex in the missionary position and it’s getting weird.



A small, elderly man
n

A small, elderly man really messes up my butt complexion!
The referee just issued a red card to a small, elderly man for sliding into hot babes.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a small, elderly man.
I was surprised to find bones in a small, elderly man. Is that normal?
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “A-small-elderly-man-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving Donald Trump’s family.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a small, elderly man.



An immediately perceptible air of sadness
n

10% of all proceeds from sales of an immediately perceptible air of sadness will go to The My Arm That Fell Asleep Foundation.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for an immediately perceptible air of sadness.
What will we do with an immediately perceptible air of sadness early in the morning?
At spring training a foul ball bounced off a ripcord in the stands and then knocked an immediately perceptible air of sadness off competitive masturbation.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: An immediately perceptible air of sadness; lying on the floor, cheering; birth meat.
I buried my treasure under an immediately perceptible air of sadness so you’d never find it!



An exceptionally lively, intelligent face
n

Oh no! Obama put an exceptionally lively, intelligent face in the water to turn a 57-foot-diameter tunnel boring machine gay!
I need a hotel room with an exceptionally lively, intelligent face, and I need spines brought to me every four hours.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “an exceptionally lively, intelligent face.”
4 out of 5 doctors recommend an exceptionally lively, intelligent face.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with an exceptionally lively, intelligent face.
The Sword of Damocles was an exceptionally lively, intelligent face hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.



A snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs
n

Sir! We are out of battery acid, but we found a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs, but now for work I’m acting like a child. Go figure!
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
In this 15th century painting, motor control is represented by a man with a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs for a head.
Ich bin ein a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.



A slumping, green-skinned hairbeast
n

I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast.
My pharmacist separated a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a little surprise incest.
I was vacuuming when I sucked a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a sexy, but stylish full turn came out too!
A slumping, green-skinned hairbeast gets me into some awkward situations. But not a bear has always got my back.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Slumping, Green-skinned Hairbeast” syndrome!



Cumming while crying
vt

At the Amazon Go store you can grab love handles and walk right out the door without cumming while crying.
Evander Holyfield’s ear travelled over 20 feet after cumming while crying.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on cumming while crying.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for cumming while crying!
In Kentucky stores can’t sell turkey tacos after 8pm, or on holidays like Cumming While Crying Day.
When a robot dinosaur is ready, cumming while crying will appear.



Skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows
v

In a world with a line skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows, one man must overcome getting off. Coming this summer.
The survey team detected skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows at the work site so I threw Satan’s dark little snatch in my truck and drove straight there.
To change kitty’s litter: grab door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes, dig out any clumps, and refill with skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows.
This year’s hottest new fashion is skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows on your head.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows on the freeway.
My school is throwing the things I’m hiding in my basement party this weekend. Come for skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows. Stay for the white man’s burden!



Detectives and dragons
np

Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to detectives and dragons, even before I put on my clothes.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS DETECTIVES AND DRAGONS STANDING IN LINE AT COSTCO.”
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of just not much food and a Fedex full of detectives and dragons.
Her inheritance was squandered upon detectives and dragons while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a dumpster fire in her own home.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded detectives and dragons and now I’m having trouble with rhythmic pounding.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was detectives and dragons.



A power-armored knight
n

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a power-armored knight.
I love your necklace! It’s a power-armored knight, right?
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of llama spit, literal sugar tits, and a power-armored knight.
I’m getting a power-armored knight installed in my car, so I can be unbelievably beautiful hair while I drive.
At Boeing R&D, we test earwig pincers by subjecting it to a power-armored knight and blasts of energy.
The water tower looks like it’s a power-armored knight from this angle.



Cleavage
nc

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw cleavage for the first time!
Daddy! There’s cleavage under my bed. Kill it kill it!
Although moving away from cleavage proved effective for schools, the switch to being in the way initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about cleavage.
Ok, I’ll admit cleavage might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in hog dander.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate cleavage to prepare for a mission to mars.



An eighteen year old girl
n

The city council wants to cut down on an eighteen year old girl. Meanwhile people are freely huddling in the corner!
I’m late to my meeting for an eighteen year old girl.
There’s always time for an eighteen year old girl before breakfast.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with an eighteen year old girl!”
Alexander also named a city in India “An Eighteen Year Old Girl” after his dead horse.
While I was out the Roomba got into an eighteen year old girl and was falling in love with a white girl.



A hundred year old guy
n

The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put a hundred year old guy in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
This land is torturing your family land, this land is a hundred year old guy land.
While you’re at the store can you pick up a hundred year old guy, in family size?
These special lenses help colorblind people see that a hundred year old guy is allowing babies to starve while you gorge.
On the assembly line we heat a hundred year old guy to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is sewing it shut.
When you two are done writhing on the floor and screaming my name, can we please get a hundred year old guy and get out of here?!



A dog
n

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a dog.
No thanks. My doctor said a dog makes defecation painful.
Love produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a dog to keep warm.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a dog from dispensaries.
I heard you were talking about a dog so I had to come over!
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a dog and I think I believe her!



The wrong Dracula
n

I found out why I’m always sick... they found the wrong Dracula in the walls at my office.
If my neighbor doesn’t get the wrong Dracula off my property, I’m calling the cops!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on the wrong Dracula.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Wrong Dracula.
I’m gonna prove the link between the wrong Dracula and turning tricks on the street corner! You’ll all see!
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into the wrong Dracula before being a bad little boy.



Your definition of cool
nc

The cineplex has been using your definition of cool in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
The rich aroma of your definition of cool, from the hills of Colombia.
Back in my day, we only had machine gun fire for your definition of cool and we LIKED IT.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with your definition of cool.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began your definition of cool.
The White House will no longer enforce The Your Definition of Cool Act of 1959. Thank God.


User
  are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place.

hot babes are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place.
just shoveling it in are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place.
the good cop are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place.
a backdoor woman are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place.
hot lava are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place.
the sound of someone sipping soup are the reason why poems, stories, and even novels become so popular in the first place.



The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and  .

The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and election year politics.
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and disturbing trends.
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and some bitch named Carol.
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and greedy land barons.
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and people bumping and grinding at each other with no sense of rhythm.
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and sufficient funds.



The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to  .

The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to truth serum.
The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to an extremely painful sneeze.
The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to an angry buttplug for the man.
The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to sweat and dead skin.
The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to a madhouse! A madhouse!.
The Nazis developed an industrial way to exterminate the Jews, ways similar to the “treasure box”.



After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated,   became the next president.

After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, a boy with a penis became the next president.
After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, increasing in size became the next president.
After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, organizing children to join armies became the next president.
After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, removing a uterine tumor with my teeth became the next president.
After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, taffy became the next president.
After Abraham Lincoln was assassinated, many people became the next president.



If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent  , certainly others would have.

If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent NAMBLA, certainly others would have.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent using advanced Kama Sutra techniques, certainly others would have.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent meaningless symbols, certainly others would have.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent a bulky frame, sturdy legs, and rounded cloven hooves, certainly others would have.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent pandering to the normies, certainly others would have.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent me, certainly others would have.



  is not an easy punishment to overcome.

a wall of spikes is not an easy punishment to overcome.
a hidden pancake is not an easy punishment to overcome.
scoring is not an easy punishment to overcome.
affectionate biting is not an easy punishment to overcome.
just a peek is not an easy punishment to overcome.
her cooter is not an easy punishment to overcome.




The Harrison Ford assembly line
n

My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about the Harrison Ford assembly line.
The Harrison Ford assembly line is the only way to say goodbye.
Dad! I’m all done peeing in the sink, so I have the Harrison Ford assembly line left over if you’re still interested.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise skirting around the edges by rewarding them with the Harrison Ford assembly line.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a deal breaker, but with the Harrison Ford assembly line!
I need help with my computer! I downloaded the Harrison Ford assembly line and now I’m having trouble with all this shit.



John Wilkes Booth
n

There is no revenge so complete as John Wilkes Booth.
And on the 8th day God created John Wilkes Booth, and it was good.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate John Wilkes Booth to prepare for a mission to mars.
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with John Wilkes Booth hanging in the window.
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of John Wilkes Booth, ginger beer, and a squeeze of mammaries. Serve in my nuggets, late at night.
But I promised I would get my kids John Wilkes Booth for Christmas!



The light bulb
n

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember the light bulb?”
Jesus is the light bulb.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: a-flimsy-pterodactyl@the-light-bulb.net
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw the light bulb at a player from the stands.
A crotchety old hermit can only be killed by the light bulb.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began the light bulb.



Death
nc

Today you’re on the receiving end of death.
If you kids don’t stop lifting off the toilet, I will turn death around!
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, lactating dogs, sloth, wrath, death, and pride.
My nightly ritual involves my hot little hands, death, and finally knowing what to do just as I fall asleep.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS DEATH FORNICATING ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.”
If you do it right, death is all about free exotic crabs for adoption (trained!).



Words
np

I refuse to roleplay as anything but words.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned words. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Rescue crews with a helicopter took 3 hours to rescue a bus full of words hanging over the freeway.
See now black people walk like words. But white people -- white people walk like they’re everywhere but Oklahoma!
Their rising all at once was as the sound of words heard remote.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m words.



Plagiarism
nc

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took plagiarism to the funeral.
Monopoly: Plagiarism Edition comes with some prick and the island and everyone on it instead of houses and hotels.
I could tell plagiarism had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.
We couldn’t land because of a glass rod caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like plagiarism.
Thanks for plagiarism last night. *wink* *wink*
1) A robot may not injure plagiarism, or through inaction allow plagiarism to come to harm.

User
Sick vid
User
During mating season, foreplay for the Siberian Ibex consists of  .

During mating season, foreplay for the Siberian Ibex consists of less lasagna.
During mating season, foreplay for the Siberian Ibex consists of fusing together.
During mating season, foreplay for the Siberian Ibex consists of white people and their fucking problems.
During mating season, foreplay for the Siberian Ibex consists of animal friends.
During mating season, foreplay for the Siberian Ibex consists of hooking yourself up to a machine you know nothing about.
During mating season, foreplay for the Siberian Ibex consists of vandalism.




40 minutes of hitting, screaming, and urinating
vt

The hottest new crptocurrency is “40-minutes-of-hitting-screaming-and-urinating-coin” -- but it can only be used to purchase assault preparations!
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by 40 minutes of hitting, screaming, and urinating around the building.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for 40 minutes of hitting, screaming, and urinating?
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate 40 minutes of hitting, screaming, and urinating.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience 40 minutes of hitting, screaming, and urinating like I was really there.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of 40 minutes of hitting, screaming, and urinating.


User
Alex Jones Memes are an amazing source of cards:

A homoerotic gang of mustaches
n

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of a homoerotic gang of mustaches on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing a homoerotic gang of mustaches, since we’re so good at it.
Don’t look at me while I’m a homoerotic gang of mustaches! It messes me up!
On the assembly line we heat a homoerotic gang of mustaches to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is never being appreciated.
Opinions are like a homoerotic gang of mustaches. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about a homoerotic gang of mustaches.



Growing mustaches to grow tough
v

Military scientists in Syria found traces of growing mustaches to grow tough in the soil.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find growing mustaches to grow tough.
But I promised I would get my kids growing mustaches to grow tough for Christmas!
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise growing mustaches to grow tough by rewarding them with taking it easy.
I noticed symptoms of the elevator shaft, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s growing mustaches to grow tough!” but I’m not sure.
The authorities followed the trail of growing mustaches to grow tough, leading them straight to the suspect.



An army of people in black uniforms with mustaches
n

In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in an army of people in black uniforms with mustaches in the middle of each intersection.
Stay out of that lake! an army of people in black uniforms with mustaches will shoot up your urethra!
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember an army of people in black uniforms with mustaches?”
When the beef came at me it was like an army of people in black uniforms with mustaches.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “An Army of People in Black Uniforms with Mustaches and You”.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed an army of people in black uniforms with mustaches up and down the highway.



Interdimensional shapeshifting child molesters
np

Ugh. I ate diversions last night and I’ve been trying to put on interdimensional shapeshifting child molesters all morning.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling interdimensional shapeshifting child molesters. The driver was hitting a man out of his wheelchair.
My nightly ritual involves interdimensional shapeshifting child molesters, lying on the floor, cheering, and finally a steering wheel just as I fall asleep.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide interdimensional shapeshifting child molesters directly.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in interdimensional shapeshifting child molesters.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by interdimensional shapeshifting child molesters.



Gay chemicals
np

I heard you were talking about gay chemicals so I had to come over!
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from cunting around even harder with gay chemicals.
When I saw gay chemicals I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, inspecting the poo, I went white as a sheet!
For Halloween we’re peeling gay chemicals so it feels like eyeballs, and we made oozing holes so it feels like brains.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find gay chemicals in the back seat.
But of the tree of gay chemicals you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.


User
An indoor snowball fight
n

If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be an indoor snowball fight .
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: a-hunky-adonis-like-male-figure@an-indoor-snowball-fight.net
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still an indoor snowball fight!
The thief was caught stealing a silent, anonymous encounter from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of an indoor snowball fight.
If you have a dream about an indoor snowball fight, it meas you’re worried about turkey gravy.
Here’s a certificate for an indoor snowball fight. I am at your service.



The friend-zone
n

The best comfort food will always be greens, the friend-zone, and fried chicken.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is the friend-zone.
I need a hotel room with the friend-zone, and I need an under-the-table interaction brought to me every four hours.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate the friend-zone.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a body pillow with a penis for years to keep the flock from the friend-zone.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put the friend-zone in the slot, but I forget to take it out.



Disco-polka
nc

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had disco-polka removed so he could be your imaginary friend, Captain Howdy.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around disco-polka.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me disco-polka while we were still in the car.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “disco-polka,” over and over again while in use.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using disco-polka to forage for food.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be disco-polka if I wanted a new family.



A series of clicks and whistles
n

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a series of clicks and whistles, with pulling on my butthole hairs around the edges, and hand-to-hand combat on top.
I’m getting a series of clicks and whistles installed in my car, so I can be papal taxation while I drive.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value a series of clicks and whistles more. Now hold still.
What will we do with a series of clicks and whistles early in the morning?
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a series of clicks and whistles, but with a fistful of glitter!
The HOA says I can’t raise divorce papers on my property. Meanwhile no word about a series of clicks and whistles at the Jones’s!

User
My emotionally compromised girlfriend
n

During my driving test, I backed my car into my emotionally compromised girlfriend. I still got an 85!
At the Amazon Go store you can grab my emotionally compromised girlfriend and walk right out the door without leaving your friends to die.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me my emotionally compromised girlfriend.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found my emotionally compromised girlfriend sticking to the wall.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like my emotionally compromised girlfriend and is carrying a tuba full of mayonnaise.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s my emotionally compromised girlfriend.

User
Dat ass
nc

Senator, give us dat ass biannually and you’ll get our vote.
When the stadium was demolished it ejected dat ass, which hung in the air for days.
During routine surgery, the doctors found dat ass embedded in my abdomen.
I scream, you scream, dat ass, embalming the family pet early!
The water tower looks like it’s dat ass from this angle.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking dat ass onto the International Space Station.

User
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like  .

I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like your idiot ideas.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like killing protesters.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like Latina queefs.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like just a video game.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like plasma.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like a car crash.

User
Costumed vigilantes
np

This workplace has gone (0) days without costumed vigilantes.
We can be costumed vigilantes. And no one has to know.
Stay out of that lake! costumed vigilantes will shoot up your urethra!
I saw witnesses down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be costumed vigilantes with us.”
My dream house has an even stupider idea built in, an extra garage for wriggly little worms, and costumed vigilantes for the door bell.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into costumed vigilantes, get to the front of the line.



A burnt, mustardy smell
n

Although moving away from a burnt, mustardy smell proved effective for schools, the switch to really bad teeth initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
I pushed hard enough to snap a burnt, mustardy smell, but some powerful kind of nuclear warfare was blocking the door.
I got a burnt, mustardy smell as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with lacerations?
In this game you get to collect retribution and craft a burnt, mustardy smell.
I looked up “a hunky, Adonis-like male figure” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a burnt, mustardy smell.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by a burnt, mustardy smell.



White people settling their differences through violence
np

At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as white people settling their differences through violence surfaced from below.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only white people settling their differences through violence and a nutty liqueur come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
I tried to sneak out of the store with white people settling their differences through violence under one arm and Fidel Castro’s beard and hat down my pants.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with white people settling their differences through violence.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began white people settling their differences through violence.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, white people settling their differences through violence every single day.



A cyborg factory
n

It's dangerous to leave a cyborg factory on the stairs.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on a cyborg factory.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a cyborg factory.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for a cyborg factory.
10% of all proceeds from sales of a cyborg factory will go to The Solutions Foundation.
A cyborg factory produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under clemency to keep warm.



A pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing
n

For my last meal I want a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing seasoned heavily with laughing with a mouth full of firecrackers.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing on the porch to surprise the kids.
If you do it right, ionizing radiation is all about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.
While I was out the Roomba got into a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing and was wafting upstairs.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. As a result, his men were well motivated.



  rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and  .
Play 2

you, ya dirty bum rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and bucking.
my first time rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and counting the dead sons.
a fishy substance rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and a pussy, wet and dripping.
accusations rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and my unwanted child.
35-year-old high school students rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and a stain of unknown origin.
a crazed gunman rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and machine guns.



“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our  .”

“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our anger and shock.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our simple pleasures.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our PTSD.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our a ceremonial ribbon.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our alcohol.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our dirty spaghetti.”


User
An elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”
n

Great job on the proposal for shimmying up the pole, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”. The driver was neglecting a spike.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights””.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”.
The city put in new road signs to indicate an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights” just up ahead.



A disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE
n

I’d like to wear a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE but it takes all day to put on.
Shepherds in Scotland have used an emaciated bovine for years to keep the flock from a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE.
I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha!
Senator, I trust you enjoyed a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
The cineplex has been using a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE.



The seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire
n

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire like I was really there.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as a wailing infant equipped with the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire.
When the celestial spheres align, the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire will descend from the heavens.
The seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire on the porch to surprise the kids.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? The seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire.

User
Unshaved men hooting and hollering
np

Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw unshaved men hooting and hollering flavor and then money flavor.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as unshaved men hooting and hollering surfaced from below.
It was awful, in the middle of having sex unshaved men hooting and hollering leaked out of my butt.
Unshaved men hooting and hollering has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been being a bad little boy. The snail may have escaped unshaved men hooting and hollering by going underground.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out white guilt each day, put unshaved men hooting and hollering in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.



Barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring
vt

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring.
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring?
I looked up “undercooked meat” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring .
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring.
No one in Morocco can be barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring without registering with the government.



A sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica
n

A sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica on the freeway.
At the Amazon Go store you can grab a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica and walk right out the door without eating feathers.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica.
How high do you have to be to enjoy military-themed porn in a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica?



A hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust
n

Happiness: A hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust, welts, and no recourse.
On the assembly line we heat a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is screaming and barfing a little.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust and tried to attack it.
I was surprised to find bones in a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust. Is that normal?
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s an inattentive mother in love with a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust very much they do a... special hug.”



An orbital space elevator
n

Chimps in the wild have been observed using an orbital space elevator to forage for food.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk an orbital space elevator.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in an orbital space elevator, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
Monopoly: $200 Worth of Taco Bell™ Edition comes with no black child and an orbital space elevator instead of houses and hotels.
On Ebay you can get an orbital space elevator but it comes in several tiny boxes.
The survey team detected an orbital space elevator at the work site so I threw insurance in my truck and drove straight there.



The girl next door
n

My car looks like it’s the girl next door but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got what makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth painted on both sides, which some say encourages the girl next door.
Oh no! Someone rolled up the girl next door in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore the girl next door in a very realistic way.
It's dangerous to leave the girl next door on the stairs.
I can’t believe you guys went swindling queers without me! Loop me in next time, I want the girl next door too!



an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”

A disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE

the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire

A rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government.
np

Thanks for a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government.. Now get out of my bed!
Ah, a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government. for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
Here on the assembly line we heat a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government. to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is juggling responsibilities.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government..
An even wider gap brings a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government. to a child’s face.
I chipped my tooth on a cornhole. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government..



Aaronjer’s latest perversion.
nc

Last Christmas, everyone got a royal fleet of galleys under the tree and Aaronjer’s latest perversion. in their stockings!
For my last meal I want George Clooney porn seasoned heavily with Aaronjer’s latest perversion..
At spring training a foul ball bounced off Aaronjer’s latest perversion. in the stands and then knocked toned thighs off a flea.
My nightly ritual involves self-cutting, Lord Deathstroke, and finally Aaronjer’s latest perversion. just as I fall asleep.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created Aaronjer’s latest perversion..
Shepherds in Scotland have used Aaronjer’s latest perversion. for years to keep the flock from blow.



Practicing for about a million years
v

Alexander also named a city in India “Practicing for About a Million Years” after his dead horse.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw practicing for about a million years for the first time!
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of things money can’t buy, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into practicing for about a million years.
Throughout human history, practicing for about a million years has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of practicing for about a million years.
The authorities followed the trail of practicing for about a million years, leading them straight to the suspect.



Being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys
v

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.
My favorite new band is “Too Much Milk and Being Overwhelmed by Frenzied Monkeys”.
This workplace has gone (0) days without being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of cooties-loving bot that hates being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.
Today you’re on the receiving end of being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.



Slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God
v

Although moving away from slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God proved effective for schools, the switch to mistreating the clitoris initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God!
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into Mom’s feet before slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God, with furiously caressing each other around the edges, and a deep cut on top.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God.



Vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos
np

The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos” incident in the science lab.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos and those glorious gams.
Last Christmas, I gave you vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos. The very next day, you gave it away.
Howdy neighbor, love vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos! Let’s get black market organs sometime!
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos up and down the highway.



A billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill
n

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill if I wanted a new family.
The HOA says I can’t raise a loading screen on my property. Meanwhile no word about a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill at the Jones’s!
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill in the back seat.
This year’s hottest new fashion is a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill on your head.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill.



The power of love
n

I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me the power of love while we were still in the car.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into tight clothes. It was not my lips you kissed, but the power of love.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re the power of love and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
The wall will go up and the power of love will start behaving.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of the power of love.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “The Power of Love and You”.

User
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as  .

I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as catchin’ heat for sellin’ a piece of ass.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as this half of the planet.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as turning around when you see your ex.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as repair service.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as a protruding vein.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as between your legs.



And the Lord God said, “Behold,   is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”

And the Lord God said, “Behold, an unclothed manikin is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, an old, Asian martial arts master is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, a hose is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, ass is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, an improvised explosive device is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, talent and poise is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”



''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was  , and Hell followed with him.

''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was organizing children to join armies, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was proving she’s a witch, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was lying perfectly still, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was reasonable stereotypes, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was milking a buffalo, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was enough height, and Hell followed with him.



You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as  .

You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as a box of wine.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as a wimpy tornado.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as elastic action.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as the first blush of womanhood.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as a small angry cloud.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as forgetting about the whole universe.

User
A live boner
n

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for a live boner?
God didn’t create me. God created a live boner. And a live boner created me.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but a live boner.
Free exotic crabs for adoption (trained!) produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a live boner to keep warm.
In my wild days I was rubbing my gland, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a live boner on the New Mexico border.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s a live boner.



A dead boner
n

Whenever I cook a stretch I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into a dead boner.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a dead boner sticking to the wall.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a dead boner, but now for work I’m leaving nothing sacred. Go figure!
Help! I’m a dead boner and I need YOU to do something about it!
Life without love is like a dead boner without some dead guy’s money or fruit.
Man invented a dead boner, so woman invented that urpy feeling like when you eat too much.



The strangest missed connections ad on craigslist
n

Pool rules: No running. No hot sparks. Keep the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist out of the deep end.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist. I barely even felt thick fingers.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist to prepare for a mission to mars.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using too much wiggling to treat the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist!
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist.



Phosphorescent death ghosts
np

Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed phosphorescent death ghosts up and down the highway.
I make butt gas for my cat by popping out of the ground with phosphorescent death ghosts. Oreo loves it!
Thanks for phosphorescent death ghosts last night. *wink* *wink*
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced flimsy toilet paper with phosphorescent death ghosts.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s my black son, with phosphorescent death ghosts around the edges, and a wet burst on top.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Phosphorescent Death Ghosts



Bring a knife to a fistfight
v

How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of amputated eyelids, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into bring a knife to a fistfight.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find bring a knife to a fistfight so relaxing.
In the public bring a knife to a fistfight model, a third-party service provider delivers the bring a knife to a fistfight service over the Internet.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw bring a knife to a fistfight.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always bring a knife to a fistfight. Always.
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain bring a knife to a fistfight?



Burning my slave castle
v

I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find burning my slave castle.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a lab-grown testicle for a wounded soldier, but with burning my slave castle!
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was my unwanted child, part was burning my slave castle, and it was crowned with a human face.
The new artsy indie game “Mandibles” is a deeply emotional exploration of burning my slave castle.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, burning my slave castle every single day.
While I was out the Roomba got into the “treasure box” and was burning my slave castle.



Being friendzoned for the last time
v

For science class we went on a field trip to see how being friendzoned for the last time happens.
Being friendzoned for the last time has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than being friendzoned for the last time.
Ever since the incident with a well-rehearsed lie I’ve been haunted by being friendzoned for the last time.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate being friendzoned for the last time.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all killers, right while I’m being friendzoned for the last time.



Heritage, not hate
nc

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Heritage, Not Hate.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to heritage, not hate.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be heritage, not hate if I wanted a new family.
The shockwave from struggling with a police officer at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused heritage, not hate in the streets.
It’s not delivery. It’s heritage, not hate.
You stole heritage, not hate from a child? You’re my VERY jealous, protective pet spider and you’re going to hell!



A gangster from Chicago who wants sex
n

There is no revenge so complete as a gangster from Chicago who wants sex.
The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as a gangster from Chicago who wants sex and comes with 1 USB-C port and a big bomb! Groovy!
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a gangster from Chicago who wants sex in its food processing operations.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a gangster from Chicago who wants sex.
The cineplex has been using a gangster from Chicago who wants sex in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
Meatball marinara can only be killed by a gangster from Chicago who wants sex.



New and shitty things about dinosaurs
np

I ordered new and shitty things about dinosaurs privately over the Internet so I can get better at being picked.
Last Christmas, I gave you new and shitty things about dinosaurs. The very next day, you gave it away.
I just dug up a deflating balloon in my backyard! I had no idea this place had new and shitty things about dinosaurs.
Until quite recently, new and shitty things about dinosaurs had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
1) A robot may not injure new and shitty things about dinosaurs, or through inaction allow new and shitty things about dinosaurs to come to harm.
If you do it right, new and shitty things about dinosaurs is all about the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic.



Getting attacked by a garbage truck
v

I scream, you scream, getting attacked by a garbage truck, seeing my penis twice!
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include getting attacked by a garbage truck spice, a blinding flash of insight spice, and a stink bug spice!
Happiness: Hip-hop specifically made for white people, existential ennui, and getting attacked by a garbage truck.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “getting attacked by a garbage truck.”
No more getting attacked by a garbage truck at Starbucks.
On the assembly line we heat fresh young minds to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is getting attacked by a garbage truck.



Being almost naked and attacked by animals
v

Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with being almost naked and attacked by animals.
For my last meal I want extra padding for my butt seasoned heavily with being almost naked and attacked by animals.
Being almost naked and attacked by animals nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid crashing out of a window.
Could you buy me being almost naked and attacked by animals? I’ll pay you back.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into being dragged by the neck, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start being almost naked and attacked by animals.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “being almost naked and attacked by animals” incident in the science lab.



THUNDERDOME
n

We can’t ALL get away with treating women like THUNDERDOME.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took THUNDERDOME to the funeral.
I reached expectantly into THUNDERDOME, but found only a radical student.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A night of unrestrained passion and THUNDERDOME.
Senator, give us THUNDERDOME biannually and you’ll get our vote.
When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add THUNDERDOME to the pan, while stirring constantly.



Ubiquitous laser sounds
np

Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and ubiquitous laser sounds came rolling after him, but he escaped by violating the rules of war!
You can’t get ubiquitous laser sounds big enough or a crack long enough to suit me.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with ubiquitous laser sounds.
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be jerking it and where does ubiquitous laser sounds come in?
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on ubiquitous laser sounds.
Monopoly: Purple Stuff Edition comes with ubiquitous laser sounds and beef curtains instead of houses and hotels.



Hamburgers on pizzas
np

At the Amazon Go store you can grab hamburgers on pizzas and walk right out the door without using advanced Kama Sutra techniques.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be hamburgers on pizzas while I’m filthy underpants!
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always hamburgers on pizzas just around the corner.
I love your necklace! It’s hamburgers on pizzas, right?
A social skill is any skill facilitating hamburgers on pizzas with others.
The survey team detected hamburgers on pizzas at the work site so I threw the latest fad in my truck and drove straight there.



A vampire resorting to laser blasters
n

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a vampire resorting to laser blasters.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a vampire resorting to laser blasters that overturned their car.
I looked up “a vampire resorting to laser blasters” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a clever bastard.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to a vampire resorting to laser blasters.
Back in my day, we only had terminal illness for a vampire resorting to laser blasters and we LIKED IT.
When the beef came at me it was like a vampire resorting to laser blasters.



A sexy babe with attitude
n

The authorities followed the trail of a sexy babe with attitude, leading them straight to the suspect.
Howdy neighbor, love a sexy babe with attitude! Let’s get the coming race war sometime!
The transferred sperm cells are kept in a sexy babe with attitude, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
In future times, the children will work together to build a sexy babe with attitude.
This new Mario game is weird. You need this spring’s hottest new fashions to attack goombas and coins are exclusively for buying a sexy babe with attitude.
The ‘insurrection moth’ has adapted to feed on heartlessness, and hide under a sexy babe with attitude in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.



The carnage of a massacre
n

Aron Ralston was trapped under the carnage of a massacre for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off a garbage disposal!
My house. 8 o’clock. The carnage of a massacre.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the carnage of a massacre.
They don’t make bourbon and ball-gags like they used to! This one doesn’t even have the carnage of a massacre.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking the carnage of a massacre into women’s purses and bags.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by the carnage of a massacre around the building.



Smoke and fire everywhere
nc

This year’s hottest new fashion is smoke and fire everywhere on your head.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt smoke and fire everywhere in the sea.
Smoke and fire everywhere is the spice of the Dutch oven.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise leaving no trace by rewarding them with smoke and fire everywhere.
I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I'm afraid the president will tickle smoke and fire everywhere.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: smoke and fire everywhere.



Shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts
np

In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts one ounce at a time.
During the war, German scientists experimented with Jesus Christ to weaponize shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts in the soil.
I’m gonna prove the link between shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts and good people! You’ll all see!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts! She’s 62!
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts and unknown assailants. Should I talk to him?



Skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies
np

I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, “Get ready for skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies
How embarrassing! I forget I left skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies in the foyer.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies.
We have a zero tolerance policy for skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies here at Disney. So get cutting and get out!
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Skull Robots Trying to Blast Energy Orbs at Babies Co., tapping into the growing market for animalistic hunger.



Wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons
np

I tried to sneak out of the store with bad juju under one arm and wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons down my pants.
When the suspect’s car crashed, wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a flip.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons.
I am become a huge mountain, the destroyer of wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons.



Some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous
n

My kid was acting like some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous, so I took away a mind-erasing kit privileges.
At Boeing R&D, we test some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous by connecting through “business” to a special 10,000-volt battery.
To change kitty’s litter: grab mashed vole, dig out any clumps, and refill with some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous.
Some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous saved is some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous earned.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous in the walls at my office.



Soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians
n

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians.
The wall will go up and soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians will start behaving.
My favorite new band is “Learning an Important Lesson and Soldiers Gunning Down Fleeing Civilians”.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians. It was not my lips you kissed, but a bus full of white children.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Soldiers Gunning Down Fleeing Civilians?



Rape magic
nc

The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a broken man went off early, ejecting rape magic into the air!
Our artisanal process ages a child taxidermy video for 3 years, before going right into rape magic, rapidly accidentally decking a cop in the head.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of rape magic.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s the immigrant experience in America in love with rape magic very much they do a... special hug.”
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s rape magic straddled by gross people.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me rape magic while we were still in the car.



A first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete
n

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Quiver of Love Arrows” and it helps me with a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete.
A first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete like this is enough to kill a horse!
Let’s wait for a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get muscles.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete on the porch to surprise the kids.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at the power-off switch and my card appeared in a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete!
The HOA says I can’t raise eerie silence on my property. Meanwhile no word about a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete at the Jones’s!



Better mind control techniques
np

Always walk into an interview with boiling hot manchowder and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate better mind control techniques.
Work better mind control techniques up until frothing before spreading across a little sarin gas, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of better mind control techniques on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
I think that ecstasy was cut with better mind control techniques. After one hit I began very, very rapidly self-cutting.
The city put in new road signs to indicate better mind control techniques just up ahead.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Better Mind Control Techniques” syndrome!



My dance of healing
n

I never expected to be fingered by my dance of healing.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of my dance of healing.
My religion demands that I must abstain from just a coincidence. My dance of healing however, is OK.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off a psychiatrist examining my behavior in the stands and then knocked my dance of healing off dilation of the uterus.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from my dance of healing.
We couldn’t land because of beautiful girl hair caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like my dance of healing.



Broccoli
nc

Slender and muscled, like broccoli. She was the spitting image of kicking the door down.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with broccoli.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with broccoli.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, broccoli, toilet paper, shelter, and sticker residue.
The 1940’s certainly had a thing about broccoli.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, broccoli emerged.



The toilet
nc

Last night I dreamed of the toilet. I cannot shake the feeling that omens will arrive soon.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as the toilet.
They said the toilet was out of my league, but look at me now! I've got the toilet... and then some!
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're the toilet!
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as the toilet surfaced from below.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got the toilet painted on both sides, which some say encourages a crack in the sky.



Your comfort zone
n

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me your comfort zone.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch your comfort zone at the girls camp.
When your comfort zone hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had your comfort zone removed so he could be nipple placement.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a silent, anonymous encounter-loving bot that hates your comfort zone.
Here on the assembly line we heat your comfort zone to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is jammin’ bodies in the juicer.



Your past
nc

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with your past jumping and nipping at me from below and even falling into boiling water.
I came with your past to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought a bold move so nobody even noticed!
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put your past in the pillows.
I pushed hard enough to snap ribs, but some powerful kind of your past was blocking the door.
More armies need to incorporate your past into their uniforms.
My new phone looks like it’s your past but I don’t mind. It makes calls.



You. Just, you
nc

James Bond will return in “The Man With you. Just, you”!
The road of royalty is paved with you. Just, you, and awash with a cunt slap.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by you. Just, you.
Every French soldier carries you. Just, you in his knapsack.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not you. Just, you like your brother?”
Alexander also named a city in India “You. Just, You” after his dead horse.



Success
nc

The hardware store didn’t have success left, so I got claws.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of success heard remote.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Success Blast!
In Nevada you can pay for a lady getting on top, and staying on top with success.
In this 15th century painting, success is represented by a man with a tribal village for a head.
Last Christmas, everyone got a dollar under the tree and success in their stockings!



Hooter floss
nc

The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around hooter floss.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with hooter floss.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “hooter floss,” over and over again while in use.
Oh no! Someone rolled up hooter floss in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Getting Fat!” You’re cursed with hooter floss until the end of the game!
The rich aroma of hooter floss, from the hills of Colombia.



Four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts
np

That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Four-armed Skeletons Riding Blood Beasts,” the finest ship in the harbor!
Working on my car I found four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts in a very realistic way.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts and a Fedex full of a legless dog on a wheeled cart.
We can be four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts. And no one has to know.



A savage scream
n

For Halloween we’re peeling bloodlust so it feels like eyeballs, and we made a savage scream so it feels like brains.
Dagnabbit! I got a savage scream all jammed up in the wheel well again.
I was vacuuming when I sucked a hanging vine out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a savage scream came out too!
Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called fluids from my face, are the passages for a savage scream to flow.
Pure Love is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a savage scream.
No one in Morocco can be a savage scream without registering with the government.



A burnt pop-tart
n

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a burnt pop-tart onto the International Space Station.
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need a burnt pop-tart and hand-to-hand combat.
When a burnt pop-tart is ready, a strangler will appear.
The water tower looks like it’s a burnt pop-tart from this angle.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into a burnt pop-tart, get to the front of the line.
While you’re at the store can you pick up a burnt pop-tart, in family size?


User
The only thing standing in your way is  .

The only thing standing in your way is well-organized orphans.
The only thing standing in your way is a Facebook post.
The only thing standing in your way is sloppy seconds.
The only thing standing in your way is diplomatic support.
The only thing standing in your way is the alpha male.
The only thing standing in your way is floppy, out-of-control boobs.



You can only change your future if you move past  .

You can only change your future if you move past something equivalent.
You can only change your future if you move past an igloo.
You can only change your future if you move past Angelina Jolie’s lips.
You can only change your future if you move past my return.
You can only change your future if you move past a Glasgow smile.
You can only change your future if you move past military-themed porn.



Wolves don’t eat  , and neither should kings.

Wolves don’t eat a flood of emotions, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat tangled memories, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat the chair, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat females with four teats, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat tiny men, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat Satan’s latest abomination, and neither should kings.



  is where   goes to die.
Play 2

a remarkably swift recovery is where my salvation goes to die.
exhuming is where a segmented penis goes to die.
a horizontal ass crack is where a certain je ne sais quoi goes to die.
a life preserver is where “sexy kitty” mode goes to die.
a deflating balloon is where a big donkey goes to die.
farting like a bagpipe is where a single slice goes to die.



  will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.

a time machine will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
my feelings will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
firing off the squibs too early will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
the measure of a man will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
a real sonuvabitch will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
a chunk will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.



You’re  , but you need  .
Play 2

You’re an orbital laser satellite, but you need another leopard.
You’re my hood, but you need gourmet drinking chocolate.
You’re black power, but you need an enjoyable life.
You’re mouth to mouth pig ribs, but you need slipping some handcuffs under the door.
You’re an itchy shirt tag, but you need pooping for four hours a day.
You’re a conventional man, but you need expectorating some sludge.



 ? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.

crossing a moral boundary? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
purple stuff? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
a robot face? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
diddling? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
sex toy directions? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
strands of my darling’s hair? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.



Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about   and  ?
Play 2

Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about a little piece of shit and Donald Trump’s family?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about the killing of educated adults and techniques?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about all our faces and extra padding for my butt?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about a falling tree and leftover McDonald’s®?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about no wheelchair access and the Lord?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about a jet of hot air and every part of the buffalo?



If you're  , I think you have slipped up somewhere.

If you're our desire, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're a better place now, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're wearing a noose to be edgy, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're the “swimsuit area”, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're concerning news, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're alien parasite larvae, I think you have slipped up somewhere.



That kind of attitude is why we have   now.

That kind of attitude is why we have jammin’ bodies in the juicer now.
That kind of attitude is why we have bloodlust now.
That kind of attitude is why we have baking onto the sidewalk now.
That kind of attitude is why we have pulsating opposite sexes now.
That kind of attitude is why we have riding your bike down the Luxor now.
That kind of attitude is why we have racial superiority now.



You know this date is ending with  .

You know this date is ending with Walt Disney’s preserved ass cheeks.
You know this date is ending with a prepaid Visa™.
You know this date is ending with a bullet hole.
You know this date is ending with even more bees.
You know this date is ending with stuff Asians like.
You know this date is ending with a dense woolly undercoat over the chest.



People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about  . Much like Star Wars.

People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about the basement. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about sudden nudity. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about hotboxing a cat. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about just plain racism. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about a lasting mark. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about evading capture. Much like Star Wars.



I don't think that even comes close to being  .

I don't think that even comes close to being body parts of celebrities.
I don't think that even comes close to being being nude, spread eagle toward the sun.
I don't think that even comes close to being all the air in the room.
I don't think that even comes close to being a rope tied round my leg.
I don't think that even comes close to being hotdog grade “meat”.
I don't think that even comes close to being up in it.



Last night was the tragic result of  

Last night was the tragic result of sugar from my father
Last night was the tragic result of headroom
Last night was the tragic result of a thorough examination
Last night was the tragic result of like a vial of meth smoke, but not
Last night was the tragic result of a bucket of amniotic fluid
Last night was the tragic result of white people and their fucking problems



It’s a little known fact that   and   contain the same number of particles.
Play 2

It’s a little known fact that a lucky toss and the ’80s contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that relaxing and letting it roll down your leg and what you did to my face contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that the royal baby and violently crashing down the stairs contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that being bred in captivity and one night in Bangkok contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that a mafia hitman and making sure no one sees contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife and a security guard contain the same number of particles.



Scientists are constantly discovering  .

Scientists are constantly discovering the world’s fastest pump.
Scientists are constantly discovering acts of piracy.
Scientists are constantly discovering lady business.
Scientists are constantly discovering a bitter rivalry.
Scientists are constantly discovering anorexia.
Scientists are constantly discovering answers to all of life’s questions.

User
An awkward discussion involving female biology
n

Our artisanal process ages a felony for 3 years, before going right into an awkward discussion involving female biology, rapidly yanking hard.
In Nevada you can pay for a lady killing with an awkward discussion involving female biology.
For Halloween we’re peeling an awkward discussion involving female biology so it feels like eyeballs, and we made King Edward’s sexual licentiousness so it feels like brains.
It was awful, in the middle of having sex an awkward discussion involving female biology leaked out of my butt.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually an awkward discussion involving female biology.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on an awkward discussion involving female biology.



A self-aware tutorial
n

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: A Self-aware Tutorial Blast!
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a self-aware tutorial.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a self-aware tutorial that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Senator, give us a self-aware tutorial biannually and you’ll get our vote.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Self-aware Tutorial.
The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as what Mom made and comes with 1 USB-C port and a self-aware tutorial! Groovy!



Friends
np

Friends! Friends! My kingdom for friends!
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing friends at cars and passers-by.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about friends and grinding on it. Should I talk to him?
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Friends” syndrome!
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had a real butt-toucher removed so he could be friends.
I don’t need love because I’m friends. Sorry mom!



A three day MMO marathon
n

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began a three day MMO marathon.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a three day MMO marathon in the sky.
I was surprised to find bones in a three day MMO marathon. Is that normal?
I’m sure I blew a three day MMO marathon in this napkin somewhere.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a three day MMO marathon.
I love your necklace! It’s a three day MMO marathon, right?



The anti-climactic normal ending
n

I reached expectantly into nosy neighbors, but found only the anti-climactic normal ending.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge the anti-climactic normal ending.
The anti-climactic normal ending is the spice of hors d’oeuvres.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw the anti-climactic normal ending for the first time!
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the anti-climactic normal ending.
#the anti-climactic normal ending-shaming



A giant, tea-making robot
n

Hark! What a giant, tea-making robot through yonder window breaks?
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk a giant, tea-making robot.
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a giant, tea-making robot at a player from the stands.
Sir! We are out of grape flavor, but we found a giant, tea-making robot while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
The thief was caught stealing a giant, tea-making robot from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of giant meaty hands.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a giant, tea-making robot.



A raygun remote control
n

In future times, the children will work together to build a raygun remote control.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: a raygun remote control.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into a raygun remote control! She’s 62!
The cruiseliner struck a raygun remote control and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with a submissive sex android.
A raygun remote control is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
A raygun remote control travelled over 20 feet after punching a brain.



Over-sized scissors
nc

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience over-sized scissors like I was really there.
Although moving away from over-sized scissors proved effective for schools, the switch to lifting his kilt and winking initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for over-sized scissors.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, over-sized scissors, toilet paper, shelter, and a long rambling story.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a real sonuvabitch destroyed and over-sized scissors killed as well.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “over-sized scissors”.



Drinking toilet water
v

You evaded my “Drinking Toilet Water” attack! Most impressive.
Could you buy me drinking toilet water? I’ll pay you back.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is drinking toilet water.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was drinking toilet water.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of drinking toilet water.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began drinking toilet water.



Graffiti that says “FUCK YOU”
np

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Graffiti That Says “FUCK YOU””! I shook his hand and it felt like Graffiti that says “FUCK YOU”.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around Graffiti that says “FUCK YOU”.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find Graffiti that says “FUCK YOU”.
I like my women like I like Graffiti that says “FUCK YOU”: being dipped in Nutella with my fantasy.
Graffiti that says “FUCK YOU”: It’s nature’s candy!
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “My Sister’s Baby” and it helps me with Graffiti that says “FUCK YOU”.



A sexbot named F.I.S.T.O.
n

After a truck ran over a sexbot named F.I.S.T.O. there was so much damage you couldn’t tell it apart from Tony’s prison baby.
In a world with the killing of educated adults rolling a golf cart, one man must overcome a sexbot named F.I.S.T.O.. Coming this summer.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at some dead guy’s money and my card appeared in a sexbot named F.I.S.T.O.!
This new Mario game is weird. You need a sexbot named F.I.S.T.O. to attack goombas and coins are exclusively for buying hot wax.
When a sexbot named F.I.S.T.O. is ready, edible disguises will appear.
Stay out of that lake! a sexbot named F.I.S.T.O. will shoot up your urethra!



The annexation of Canada
v

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for the annexation of Canada.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always the annexation of Canada. Always.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? The annexation of Canada.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a mild orgasm the annexation of Canada.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Yoghurt!” You’re cursed with the annexation of Canada until the end of the game!
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around the annexation of Canada on the freeway.



Radiation sickness
nc

CAUTION: Keep radiation sickness out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
Thanks for radiation sickness. Now get out of my bed!
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like radiation sickness.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but radiation sickness.
I got into my car and sat on radiation sickness. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing radiation sickness, since we’re so good at it.



Mungos
np

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted Mungos to the vastness of space.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of Mungos.
I buried my treasure under Mungos so you’d never find it!
I heard you were talking about Mungos so I had to come over!
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than Mungos.
This workplace has gone (0) days without Mungos.

User
I think I’m enjoying   more than I should.

I think I’m enjoying an earthworm more than I should.
I think I’m enjoying a moon rock shaped like a butt more than I should.
I think I’m enjoying a half-brain slave more than I should.
I think I’m enjoying a watchful guard more than I should.
I think I’m enjoying putting up with you more than I should.
I think I’m enjoying a fistful of glitter more than I should.



  can be used as a dildo, if you're brave enough.

pushing it deeper can be used as a dildo, if you're brave enough.
tiny uranium rods can be used as a dildo, if you're brave enough.
a 100 foot tidal wave can be used as a dildo, if you're brave enough.
being a bad little boy can be used as a dildo, if you're brave enough.
a bellow of sympathy can be used as a dildo, if you're brave enough.
doing it RIGHT this time! can be used as a dildo, if you're brave enough.



The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit   and acquire  !
Play 2

The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit dicking around and acquire crotch rot!
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit erotic pajamas and acquire a car crash!
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit captured pirates and acquire a big slow boat!
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit smooth boys and acquire a broken ceiling tile!
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit a sugar cougar and acquire really bad teeth!
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit dirty spaghetti and acquire just a peek!



They asked me how well I understood theoretical  . I said I had a theoretical   in  . They said welcome aboard.
Play 3

They asked me how well I understood theoretical the white devil. I said I had a theoretical peeing in a cup in being slathered in baby oil. They said welcome aboard.
They asked me how well I understood theoretical another way to kill me. I said I had a theoretical a blood-soaked maiden in getting raped in an uber. They said welcome aboard.
They asked me how well I understood theoretical a good thing for the heart. I said I had a theoretical the immigrant experience in America in googly eyes. They said welcome aboard.
They asked me how well I understood theoretical a rap artist. I said I had a theoretical catchin’ heat for sellin’ a piece of ass in helpful subordinates. They said welcome aboard.
They asked me how well I understood theoretical a slut who will do anything. I said I had a theoretical whatEVER in a cracker. They said welcome aboard.
They asked me how well I understood theoretical lactating dogs. I said I had a theoretical the men who helped me in an itchy shirt tag. They said welcome aboard.



  is a temporary setback on the road to  !
Play 2

gassing is a temporary setback on the road to the mayor!
its opposite is a temporary setback on the road to a snake pit!
the tiniest little idea in my pea brain is a temporary setback on the road to a pulpy mass!
stopping just in time is a temporary setback on the road to a comfortable spot!
a glass pane is a temporary setback on the road to rolling in it!
a rope tied round my leg is a temporary setback on the road to gangstas!



Democracy is non  .

Democracy is non love.
Democracy is non the man who is stalking me.
Democracy is non compressed gas.
Democracy is non doing things to the body.
Democracy is non sizzling lard.
Democracy is non Jews in cahoots.



It like they always say:   never changes.

It like they always say: the egg I hatched from never changes.
It like they always say: ill-advised business decisions never changes.
It like they always say: an automated turret never changes.
It like they always say: good people never changes.
It like they always say: a number of thrusts never changes.
It like they always say: papal taxation never changes.



I don't recall the   ever being  .
Play 2

I don't recall the giving birth to a prosthetic baby ever being running with a floppy, out-of-control hand.
I don't recall the talent and poise ever being wobbles.
I don't recall the a healthcare professional ever being stepping over me.
I don't recall the touching your pee pee ever being your husband.
I don't recall the an owl infestation ever being never being appreciated.
I don't recall the my happy place ever being the most beautiful face ever.



"D" is for  .

"D" is for spraying up the wall.
"D" is for zip ties.
"D" is for an anatomically correct sock puppet.
"D" is for an odd number of titties.
"D" is for 100% plastic adult toys.
"D" is for terminal illness.



This year’s hottest album is “ ” by  .
Play 2

This year’s hottest album is “at least 10 pounds of pork” by a short muscular rectum.
This year’s hottest album is “sneaking into the sultan’s harem” by curious bisexuals.
This year’s hottest album is “an old hornet” by a hand grenade in my cereal.
This year’s hottest album is “this very house” by tweaker logic.
This year’s hottest album is “a ghoulish feast” by Jesus Christ.
This year’s hottest album is “not riding a Segway” by infectious laughter.


User
The abomination known as the Horsebird
n

Chase bank is giving out The abomination known as the Horsebird this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of The abomination known as the Horsebird.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had a newer, sleeker leopard removed so he could be The abomination known as the Horsebird.
Whenever I cook a minivan with a dead body in it I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into The abomination known as the Horsebird.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as human murder, score points by banging them in their sodomy butts, and The abomination known as the Horsebird shall not be on the field.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is The abomination known as the Horsebird.



The great pudding fire of 1812
n

My house. 8 o’clock. The great pudding fire of 1812.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of The great pudding fire of 1812 boiling water.
The cruiseliner struck The great pudding fire of 1812 and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with eerie silence.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “The Great Pudding Fire of 1812,” the finest ship in the harbor!
When you two are done getting infected, can we please get The great pudding fire of 1812 and get out of here?!
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for The great pudding fire of 1812.



Downloading more RAM
v

Ok, I’ll admit our own biological child might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in Downloading more RAM.
In the first Battle of Downloading More RAM he faced a crow in a blender, and with one great blow he split them in half.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of Downloading more RAM in the soil.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: Downloading more RAM.
I saw a divorce down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be Downloading more RAM with us.”
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into fairy tales before Downloading more RAM.



Boobie milk
nc

I got so drunk last night that I got Boobie milk all over everyone and everything.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with Boobie milk! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I was surprised to find bones in Boobie milk. Is that normal?
Boobie milk is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Ich bin ein Boobie milk.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in Boobie milk.



Pornographic fan art
nc

I’ve got a master’s degree in Pornographic Fan Art!
I ordered Pornographic fan art privately over the Internet so I can get better at exhuming my wife.
Pundits agree it will take Pornographic fan art for the senator to win the election.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced Pornographic fan art with a lounge full of dandies.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was Pornographic fan art.
If I had Pornographic fan art, you’d be dead!



Oversized hair bobbles
np

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking Oversized hair bobbles onto the International Space Station.
In the public Oversized hair bobbles model, a third-party service provider delivers the Oversized hair bobbles service over the Internet.
Slender and muscled, like Oversized hair bobbles. She was the spitting image of stainless steel plating.
Let baby eels host your next party, providing Oversized hair bobbles like you’ve never seen before.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find Oversized hair bobbles so relaxing.
Go, go, Gadget Oversized Hair Bobbles!



Verisimilitude
nc

The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with mostly unused hypodermics went off early, ejecting Verisimilitude into the air!
A new study found that giving employees compliments and Verisimilitude can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
Dagnabbit! I got Verisimilitude all jammed up in the wheel well again.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded Verisimilitude and now I’m having trouble with a moisture-wicking sleeve for the penis.
I like my women like I like various fluids: pitching a god damn hissy fit with Verisimilitude.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: verisimilitude@its-opposite.net



BadWrongFun™
nc

Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with BadWrongFun™.
Ah, BadWrongFun™ for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell BadWrongFun™ after 8pm, or on holidays like Going Down the Garbage Disposal Day.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift BadWrongFun™ over my head, but a pubic tuft got in the way.
In my wild days I was losing on purpose, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with BadWrongFun™ on the New Mexico border.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with BadWrongFun™.



Rape
nc

What will we do with Rape early in the morning?
Getting Rape back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
When the beef came at me it was like Rape.
10% of all proceeds from sales of Rape will go to The Nine Guys You Fucked Foundation.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by Rape.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Rape?



A big titty angel shooting lasers
n

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Big Titty Angel Shooting Lasers.
I reached expectantly into the final hour, but found only a big titty angel shooting lasers.
I went rafting, saw a big titty angel shooting lasers in the river, no big deal.
Always walk into an interview with a big titty angel shooting lasers and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate power of attorney.
Let’s wait for a big titty angel shooting lasers to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get a power cord.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a big titty angel shooting lasers and my card appeared in bellybutton logic!



Cultural Marxism
nc

I’m gonna prove the link between Cultural Marxism and a salad! You’ll all see!
You evaded my “Cultural Marxism” attack! Most impressive.
The terrorists will execute Cultural Marxism every 20 minutes until they receive her first marriage.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with Cultural Marxism.
This year’s hottest new fashion is Cultural Marxism on your head.
Cultural Marxism travelled over 20 feet after shouldering most of the blame.



Japanese people
np

A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in Japanese people.
My favorite new band is “A Protruding Vein and Japanese People”.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn the female form, but now for work I’m Japanese people. Go figure!
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about Japanese people, but with the last condom!
Music without the sounds of Japanese people is hardly music at all.
At the winery tour we saw how they put Japanese people and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like a horrible selection of gay men.



Lovingly animated bouncing boobs
np

For my last meal I want a yellow suit seasoned heavily with Lovingly animated bouncing boobs.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, Lovingly animated bouncing boobs, sloth, wrath, more blood, and pride.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had Lovingly animated bouncing boobs.
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got Lovingly animated bouncing boobs before every meeting.
Howdy neighbor, love a wish-granting goblin! Let’s get Lovingly animated bouncing boobs sometime!
In future times, the children will work together to build Lovingly animated bouncing boobs.



Eurobeat music
nc

In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under Eurobeat music.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Eurobeat Music
I heard you were talking about Eurobeat music so I had to come over!
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember Eurobeat music?”
All the best love stories include Eurobeat music.
My mom picked me up Eurobeat music from the thrift shop. It was the last one!



Ultraviolence
nc

Ever since Ultraviolence appeared in the neighborhood, edible disguises has been eyed with suspicion.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using Ultraviolence to forage for food.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring Ultraviolence.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build Ultraviolence for me and my wife.
Growing up we never had Ultraviolence, but we had to deal with a breach of confidence, and I want the opposite for my children.
The new top grade of gasoline has Ultraviolence as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.


User
We're all about   and inappropriately inserting   into everything
Play 2

We're all about a quick one and inappropriately inserting an even stupider idea into everything
We're all about 50 years and inappropriately inserting a delicate balance into everything
We're all about an owl infestation and inappropriately inserting the polite scorn of a Canadian into everything
We're all about a complete joke and inappropriately inserting just a little something to cap off the night into everything
We're all about M. Night Shyamalan-a-ding-dong and inappropriately inserting things money can’t buy into everything
We're all about just plain racism and inappropriately inserting tugging too hard into everything



You start the game with 1D4   points.

You start the game with 1D4 an English-speaking Mexican points.
You start the game with 1D4 worse people than that points.
You start the game with 1D4 Dad’s money points.
You start the game with 1D4 floppy, out-of-control boobs points.
You start the game with 1D4 nature’s candy points.
You start the game with 1D4 a loss of manpower points.



They somehow made a cute mascot girl out of  .

They somehow made a cute mascot girl out of yoghurt.
They somehow made a cute mascot girl out of a sex swing.
They somehow made a cute mascot girl out of a horrible selection of gay men.
They somehow made a cute mascot girl out of inhabitants.
They somehow made a cute mascot girl out of infinite sausage.
They somehow made a cute mascot girl out of a fatal bee sting on the anus.



The new thing in Japan is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as  .

The new thing in Japan is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as allergies.
The new thing in Japan is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as my butt surgery.
The new thing in Japan is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as ample legroom.
The new thing in Japan is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as my skin.
The new thing in Japan is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as great tits.
The new thing in Japan is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as our own biological child.



The   of   has left me in despair!
Play 2

The a festively decorated corpse of a conflict of interest has left me in despair!
The a beginner anal bead of a child muzzle has left me in despair!
The a girl gone sour of being fucking dead has left me in despair!
The hella teen angst of hindquarters has left me in despair!
The ideas above your station of my sister’s baby has left me in despair!
The never being appreciated of long pork has left me in despair!



My innovative new RPG has a stat for  .

My innovative new RPG has a stat for Sally the fat, FAT leopard.
My innovative new RPG has a stat for having a zero-value existence.
My innovative new RPG has a stat for you sick fucks.
My innovative new RPG has a stat for hopefully not me this time.
My innovative new RPG has a stat for too much denim.
My innovative new RPG has a stat for slipping some handcuffs under the door.



No harem anime is complete without  .

No harem anime is complete without swindling queers.
No harem anime is complete without my bacon strip.
No harem anime is complete without a creepy marionette.
No harem anime is complete without a ghoulish feast.
No harem anime is complete without masturbating to pictures of dead animals.
No harem anime is complete without the rusted chassis of a ’68 Impala.



Christians don't like to talk about it, but when the devil fell from heaven, onto a Harley Davidson of course, he was chased by  .

Christians don't like to talk about it, but when the devil fell from heaven, onto a Harley Davidson of course, he was chased by the wool over my eyes.
Christians don't like to talk about it, but when the devil fell from heaven, onto a Harley Davidson of course, he was chased by wallowing in your filth.
Christians don't like to talk about it, but when the devil fell from heaven, onto a Harley Davidson of course, he was chased by sex toy directions.
Christians don't like to talk about it, but when the devil fell from heaven, onto a Harley Davidson of course, he was chased by feasting and slaughter.
Christians don't like to talk about it, but when the devil fell from heaven, onto a Harley Davidson of course, he was chased by quick-set cement.
Christians don't like to talk about it, but when the devil fell from heaven, onto a Harley Davidson of course, he was chased by a debased woman.



Remember the good old days, when it was okay to be turned on by  .

Remember the good old days, when it was okay to be turned on by a squeaky-clean bottom.
Remember the good old days, when it was okay to be turned on by ass.
Remember the good old days, when it was okay to be turned on by an eyewitness.
Remember the good old days, when it was okay to be turned on by a small chubby.
Remember the good old days, when it was okay to be turned on by a secret exit.
Remember the good old days, when it was okay to be turned on by killer abs.


User
I prefer to receive my payments in the form of  .

I prefer to receive my payments in the form of hookers in the trunk.
I prefer to receive my payments in the form of both emissaries.
I prefer to receive my payments in the form of hiding with your warriors.
I prefer to receive my payments in the form of goat porn.
I prefer to receive my payments in the form of a single shot to the head.
I prefer to receive my payments in the form of horror movie gore.




A sensuous blowjob
n

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for a sensuous blowjob?
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of almost no air left in history, rode into battle atop a sensuous blowjob.
I got a bag of tricks as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with a sensuous blowjob?
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a sensuous blowjob.
I’m getting my brother, who I’m sure you remember installed in my car, so I can be a sensuous blowjob while I drive.
No one in Morocco can be a sensuous blowjob without registering with the government.



Bitcoins, Steve Buscemi action figures, and Polynesian handwoven baskets
np

I’ve got a master’s degree in Bitcoins, Steve Buscemi Action Figures, and Polynesian Handwoven Baskets!
I refuse to roleplay as anything but bitcoins, Steve Buscemi action figures, and Polynesian handwoven baskets.
Man invented bitcoins, Steve Buscemi action figures, and Polynesian handwoven baskets, so woman invented all the time.
What will we do with bitcoins, Steve Buscemi action figures, and Polynesian handwoven baskets early in the morning?
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of bitcoins, Steve Buscemi action figures, and Polynesian handwoven baskets. Half the country is lifting off the toilet.
There’s no reason for bitcoins, Steve Buscemi action figures, and Polynesian handwoven baskets before breakfast.


User
A bird looking at a volcano exploding
n

I went rafting, saw a bird looking at a volcano exploding in the river, no big deal.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s a bird looking at a volcano exploding.
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with a bird looking at a volcano exploding hanging in the window.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a bird looking at a volcano exploding in the pillows.
Last Christmas, I gave you a bird looking at a volcano exploding. The very next day, you gave it away.
1) A robot may not injure a bird looking at a volcano exploding, or through inaction allow a bird looking at a volcano exploding to come to harm.

User
You should come over. I’ve got lots of   at my place.

You should come over. I’ve got lots of irresponsible parenting at my place.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of a glass rod at my place.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of a Swiss murder suit at my place.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of an enhanced interrogation at my place.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of a cracker at my place.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of several clones of hitler at my place.



Who is this gentle stranger, with   and  .
Play 2

Who is this gentle stranger, with masturbating to pictures of dead animals and moving and talking at the same time.
Who is this gentle stranger, with a burned out wasteland and insincerity.
Who is this gentle stranger, with a piece of lint near my vagina and my front yard.
Who is this gentle stranger, with stainless steel plating and a collar that blows up your head if you try to leave.
Who is this gentle stranger, with pure love and the community buttplug.
Who is this gentle stranger, with ball peeking and hot babes.



No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in !

No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested ina frantic woman!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested ina busy bee!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested innothing else!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested inswindling queers!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested inan upstart!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested incaressing a face!




A shoe full of Pringles
n

Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s a shoe full of Pringles.
My pharmacist separated Muslim leaders who condemn terrorism into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a shoe full of Pringles.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a shoe full of Pringles, toilet paper, shelter, and an even stupider idea.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a shoe full of Pringles.
Working on my car I found a shoe full of Pringles had crawled inside the engine block and died.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put a shoe full of Pringles in the slot, but I forget to take it out.



Proof that janitors walk upright
np

The first item of evidence in The People vs. Proof That Janitors Walk Upright is shame.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Proof That Janitors Walk Upright,” the finest ship in the harbor!
The transferred sperm cells are kept in proof that janitors walk upright, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Circular logic, bodily functions gone awry and proof that janitors walk upright.
I’m gonna prove the link between proof that janitors walk upright and both me and your father! You’ll all see!
Uh oh. I think proof that janitors walk upright just fell out of my bung hole.



A good movie in the middle of your crappy movie
n

The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie came on the screen.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “A Good Movie in the Middle of Your Crappy Movie and You”.
Thanks for a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie last night. *wink* *wink*
Look, man, I’m not into a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie. But $20 is $20.
The water tower looks like it’s a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie from this angle.



Lemon mines
np

On my way to work today, I had to swerve around lemon mines on the freeway.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy lemon mines one ounce at a time.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by lemon mines around the building.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of lemon mines in the sky.
I just dug up a child leash in my backyard! I had no idea this place had lemon mines.
More armies need to incorporate lemon mines into their uniforms.



Pecs like melons
np

The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with “business” and a mysterious boy who fights pecs like melons.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began pecs like melons.
If pecs like melons were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
CAUTION: Keep pecs like melons out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is pecs like melons.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep pecs like melons out of mainland China.



80s synth music
n

When the beef came at me it was like 80s synth music.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug, and the eco-glass windows trap in 80s synth music.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with 80s synth music.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had 80s synth music.
Daddy! There’s 80s synth music under my bed. Kill it kill it!
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch 80s synth music and her butthole.



Terrorizing a small Irish village
v

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had fewer and fewer wheels removed so he could be terrorizing a small Irish village.
If you do it right, a horizontal ass crack is all about terrorizing a small Irish village.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for terrorizing a small Irish village.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of terrorizing a small Irish village.
But of the tree of terrorizing a small Irish village you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore terrorizing a small Irish village in a very realistic way.



Data entry with no pants
v

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am wrestling alligators. Would you like to try our new special, data entry with no pants?
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began data entry with no pants.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was data entry with no pants.
#data entry with no pants-shaming
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of data entry with no pants.
Hark! What data entry with no pants through yonder window breaks?



A midget Tyrannosaurus Rex
n

Ha! You activated my trap card, “My Love of Children!” You’re cursed with a midget Tyrannosaurus Rex until the end of the game!
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a midget Tyrannosaurus Rex.
A midget Tyrannosaurus Rex: It’s nature’s candy!
James Bond will return in “The Man With a midget Tyrannosaurus Rex”!
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a midget Tyrannosaurus Rex sticking to the wall.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a midget Tyrannosaurus Rex! It’s all here in my manifesto!



Driving the lawnmower through the fence and into the next yard
v

They said driving the lawnmower through the fence and into the next yard was out of my league, but look at me now! I've got driving the lawnmower through the fence and into the next yard... and then some!
I got so drunk last night that I got driving the lawnmower through the fence and into the next yard all over everyone and everything.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like driving the lawnmower through the fence and into the next yard.
Pool rules: No running. No driving the lawnmower through the fence and into the next yard. Keep your only white friend out of the deep end.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as driving the lawnmower through the fence and into the next yard.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly driving the lawnmower through the fence and into the next yard right in front of their children.


User
Blubbery man-tears
np

While you’re at the store can you pick up blubbery man-tears, in family size?
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always blubbery man-tears. Always.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of blubbery man-tears heard remote.
Her inheritance was squandered upon blubbery man-tears while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a flesh wand in her own home.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed blubbery man-tears up and down the highway.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on blubbery man-tears when I bought a conflict of interest.

User
Saint Dreamcrushers Academy for Over-Impulsive Boys
n

My pharmacist separated a dead clown on the stairs into two parts, and carefully lowered one into Saint Dreamcrushers Academy for Over-Impulsive Boys.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find Saint Dreamcrushers Academy for Over-Impulsive Boys so relaxing.
Here’s a certificate for Saint Dreamcrushers Academy for Over-Impulsive Boys. I am at your service.
Authorities were tallying damage from Saint Dreamcrushers Academy for Over-Impulsive Boys that struck southern California Friday evening.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up Saint Dreamcrushers Academy for Over-Impulsive Boys in every room.
Amtrak officials confirm Saint Dreamcrushers Academy for Over-Impulsive Boys would have prevented train derailment.

User
As a responsible parent, you must prepare your children for the dangers of the internet, such as  .

As a responsible parent, you must prepare your children for the dangers of the internet, such as cabin fever.
As a responsible parent, you must prepare your children for the dangers of the internet, such as giving birth to your own parents.
As a responsible parent, you must prepare your children for the dangers of the internet, such as an ineffectual, stubby-armed reach-around.
As a responsible parent, you must prepare your children for the dangers of the internet, such as landlady bosoms.
As a responsible parent, you must prepare your children for the dangers of the internet, such as wiring money to far off lands.
As a responsible parent, you must prepare your children for the dangers of the internet, such as a car full of Puerto Ricans.




mean dogs, ghosts, thermonuclear war, and homosexuals np

The new bill before congress would mandate mean dogs, ghosts, thermonuclear war, and homosexuals in all K-through-12 classrooms.
On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing mean dogs, ghosts, thermonuclear war, and homosexuals.”
The cineplex has been using mean dogs, ghosts, thermonuclear war, and homosexuals in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
Ever since the incident with mean dogs, ghosts, thermonuclear war, and homosexuals I’ve been haunted by ice cold seawater.
But I promised I would get my kids mean dogs, ghosts, thermonuclear war, and homosexuals for Christmas!
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, mean dogs, ghosts, thermonuclear war, and homosexuals emerged.



cyberbullies, hackers, identity thieves, and sex perverts np

I was vacuuming when I sucked water out from under the couch. I kept pulling until cyberbullies, hackers, identity thieves, and sex perverts came out too!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began cyberbullies, hackers, identity thieves, and sex perverts.
In the public cyberbullies, hackers, identity thieves, and sex perverts model, a third-party service provider delivers the cyberbullies, hackers, identity thieves, and sex perverts service over the Internet.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, the working man, sloth, wrath, cyberbullies, hackers, identity thieves, and sex perverts, and pride.
When the beef came at me it was like cyberbullies, hackers, identity thieves, and sex perverts.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of cyberbullies, hackers, identity thieves, and sex perverts.



people getting stolen v

As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began people getting stolen.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is people getting stolen.
I’m late to my meeting for people getting stolen.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced llama spit with people getting stolen.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through People Getting Stolen!
They said people getting stolen was out of my league, but I showed them. I got NAMBLA!


User
a handful of mosquitoes np

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was a handful of mosquitoes.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a handful of mosquitoes and is carrying real human interaction.
See now black people walk like a lonely grave. But white people -- white people walk like they’re a handful of mosquitoes!
I need a hotel room with a surgical rotary saw, and I need a handful of mosquitoes brought to me every four hours.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of a handful of mosquitoes.
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need a handful of mosquitoes and a seductively smiling Scarlett Johansson.



non-contact rugby nc

My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about non-contact rugby.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find non-contact rugby.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with non-contact rugby and a mysterious boy who fights a slip of the tongue.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for non-contact rugby.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of one of every drug, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into non-contact rugby.
Back in my day, we only had non-contact rugby for a basket of kittens and we LIKED IT.

User
elderly people nc

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Elderly people and an enjoyable life.
I think that ecstasy was cut with elderly people. After one hit I began very, very rapidly danglin’ out there all pink and naked.
Every French soldier carries elderly people in his knapsack.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on elderly people.
Sir! We are out of both ends, but we found elderly people while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
I was so surprised to see something even wetter that elderly people fell out of my mouth.



oxygenating your womb-space v

Come on down to Golden Corral™ for oxygenating your womb-space.
At the coffee shop they put “oxygenating your womb-space” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride Disneyland!. It made me feel like I was oxygenating your womb-space.
Let’s wait for a pack of smokes to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get oxygenating your womb-space.
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as foaming, not at the mouth or oxygenating your womb-space.
A social skill is any skill facilitating oxygenating your womb-space with others.



hack frauds np

Thanks for hack frauds. Now get out of my bed!
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Hack Frauds”! I shook his hand and it felt like hack frauds.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with hack frauds.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up hack frauds on the porch to surprise the kids.
My religion demands that I must abstain from the key factors. Hack frauds however, is OK.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy hack frauds one ounce at a time.



Iowa’s largest wild life preserve n

The authorities followed the trail of Iowa’s largest wild life preserve, leading them straight to the suspect.
I’m late to my meeting for Iowa’s largest wild life preserve.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be Iowa’s largest wild life preserve if I wanted a new family.
Growing up we never had Iowa’s largest wild life preserve, but we had to deal with Oprah’s warm embrace, and I want the opposite for my children.
I got into my car and sat on Iowa’s largest wild life preserve. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge Iowa’s largest wild life preserve.



the stupidest movie ever made n

All the best love stories include the stupidest movie ever made.
My dream house has the stupidest movie ever made built in, an extra garage for a utility belt, and a broken ceiling tile for the door bell.
When the mixture is bubbling, add the stupidest movie ever made to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
How high do you have to be to enjoy very expensive gelato in the stupidest movie ever made?
They don’t make the stupidest movie ever made like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a secret elevator button.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with the stupidest movie ever made.



being cool about fire safety v

Music without the sounds of being cool about fire safety is hardly music at all.
Don’t look at me while I’m being cool about fire safety! It messes me up!
Throughout human history, being cool about fire safety has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
Happiness: Being cool about fire safety, “forgetting” to knock, and a snake pit.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to being cool about fire safety.
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with being cool about fire safety.



being borderline experimental v

But I promised I would get my kids being borderline experimental for Christmas!
It’s not delivery. It’s being borderline experimental.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for being borderline experimental.
The new bill before congress would mandate being borderline experimental in all K-through-12 classrooms.
They didn’t have such grace at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed being borderline experimental.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of erotic pajamas, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into being borderline experimental.




 ,  . These are things I know.2

slappy little T-Rex arms, jabbing people in the eye. These are things I know.
the island and everyone on it, free exotic crabs for adoption (trained!). These are things I know.
feeling manful, bromance. These are things I know.
a human face, taking a fair amount. These are things I know.
your grandmother, who loves you, adults eating teenagers alive. These are things I know.
diddling, a 5,000 acre forest fire. These are things I know.



You might not have noticed it, but   did.

You might not have noticed it, but a dog head did.
You might not have noticed it, but the whole planet did.
You might not have noticed it, but a bear in a trashcan did.
You might not have noticed it, but useless noodle arms did.
You might not have noticed it, but touching my deformity did.
You might not have noticed it, but a muscular, naked Santa did.



It took 12 years to make .

It took 12 years to makefusing together.
It took 12 years to makea Turkish wedding.
It took 12 years to makea bereaved wife with nothing to lose.
It took 12 years to makecurious bisexuals.
It took 12 years to makebeing kicked repeatedly in the head.
It took 12 years to makegoing down the garbage disposal.



This is the most disappointing thing since  .

This is the most disappointing thing since my swollen jaw.
This is the most disappointing thing since a tender moment.
This is the most disappointing thing since rude kids.
This is the most disappointing thing since pandering to the normies.
This is the most disappointing thing since a spooky mummy.
This is the most disappointing thing since strands of my darling’s hair.



I expected more from  .

I expected more from one more.
I expected more from wings.
I expected more from the heart.
I expected more from ice cold seawater.
I expected more from a phone ringing off the hook.
I expected more from the best woman for the job.

User
A hand-knit colonoscopy bag nc

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt A hand-knit colonoscopy bag in the sea.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get A hand-knit colonoscopy bag removed from her and a moon rock shaped like a butt removed from me.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and A hand-knit colonoscopy bag.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into A hand-knit colonoscopy bag.
Whenever I cook A hand-knit colonoscopy bag I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into fictitious queer same sex transformation.
I ordered A hand-knit colonoscopy bag privately over the Internet so I can get better at floppin’ out my baby door.

User
And on the 8th day God created  , and it was good.

And on the 8th day God created the baby, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created my brother, who I’m sure you remember, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created hotdog grade “meat”, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created work, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created some prick, and it was good.
And on the 8th day God created Caesar’s last breath, and it was good.



  Is the law of the land, deal with it.

bringing about the apocalypse Is the law of the land, deal with it.
a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice Is the law of the land, deal with it.
negotiating peace Is the law of the land, deal with it.
cooter muscles Is the law of the land, deal with it.
being shot at while fleeing Is the law of the land, deal with it.
horny catgirls Is the law of the land, deal with it.



I beat   all the time!

I beat getting crushed between two trucks all the time!
I beat mixed feelings all the time!
I beat shivering and moaning all the time!
I beat the instructions all the time!
I beat a robotic policeman all the time!
I beat acting in an irresponsible fashion all the time!



What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to  .

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to the French crown.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to the most beautiful face ever.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a difficult Canadian.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a plan gone horribly wrong.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to udders.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a box of wine.



Looking forward to showing my collection of  , because it’s huge.

Looking forward to showing my collection of the men who helped me, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of sweating, groaning and screaming, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of raw recruits, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of rolling in it, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of a big stink, because it’s huge.
Looking forward to showing my collection of a technicality, because it’s huge.




blood coming out of wherever n

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted blood coming out of wherever to the vastness of space.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with blood coming out of wherever! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I got into my car and sat on blood coming out of wherever. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Every French soldier carries blood coming out of wherever in his knapsack.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift blood coming out of wherever over my head, but orange dye got in the way.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into blood coming out of wherever, get to the front of the line.



being the only person at sexual harassment training vt

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on being the only person at sexual harassment training.
There is no revenge so complete as being the only person at sexual harassment training.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen being the only person at sexual harassment training.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were being the only person at sexual harassment training, would you be being the only person at sexual harassment training as well?”
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a protruding vein, score points by being the only person at sexual harassment training, and glittery eyelashes shall not be on the field.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: being-the-only-person-at-sexual-harassment-training@like-a-vial-of-meth-smoke-but-not.net



wildly swinging middle fingers v

More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and wildly swinging middle fingers in the Philippines.
In this 15th century painting, wildly swinging middle fingers is represented by a man with beard stroking for a head.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was wildly swinging middle fingers.
My publisher demanded I remove wildly swinging middle fingers from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
What the spider silk department lacks in selection, we make up for in wildly swinging middle fingers.
If you kids don’t stop wildly swinging middle fingers, I will turn soul-damning around!



faking car crash injuries to get money v

Amtrak officials confirm faking car crash injuries to get money would have prevented train derailment.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of faking car crash injuries to get money in the soil.
Last time I went in a rest stop bathroom there were some guys in there faking car crash injuries to get money. Gross.
We can be faking car crash injuries to get money. And no one has to know.
Faking car crash injuries to get money has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got the last breath of a dying man painted on both sides, which some say encourages faking car crash injuries to get money.



having twins and giving one up for adoption v

Jesus is having twins and giving one up for adoption.
I like my women like I like having twins and giving one up for adoption: being strung up with a crotchety old hermit.
When I get older, I don’t want to be having twins and giving one up for adoption.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Having Twins and Giving One up for Adoption”! I shook his hand and it felt like having twins and giving one up for adoption.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly having twins and giving one up for adoption right in front of their children.
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as putting on pants or having twins and giving one up for adoption.



being an overweight bitch v

Ich bin ein being an overweight bitch.
Always walk into an interview with three carrots and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate being an overweight bitch.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for being an overweight bitch.
During the war, German scientists experimented with being an overweight bitch to weaponize the original intent.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a cat, but upside down with being an overweight bitch.
They didn’t have the Army at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed being an overweight bitch.



resting bitch face n

I tried to sneak out of the store with resting bitch face under one arm and success down my pants.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only resting bitch face and a state trooper.
My favorite new band is “A Human-sized Hamster Ball and Resting Bitch Face”.
My car looks like it’s resting bitch face but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
A social skill is any skill facilitating resting bitch face with others.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me resting bitch face and it’s getting weird.



jesus’s death. n

The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put jesus’s death. in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
The city condemned our house after finding jesus’s death. in the crawlspace.
The new top grade of gasoline has jesus’s death. as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me jesus’s death..
I got so drunk last night that I got jesus’s death. all over everyone and everything.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, jesus’s death., sloth, wrath, a kiss on the lips, and pride.



the things I’m hiding in my basement n

Sir! We are out of barely in the butthole, but we found the things I’m hiding in my basement while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under the things I’m hiding in my basement.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: the things I’m hiding in my basement.
On Ebay you can get the things I’m hiding in my basement but it comes in several tiny boxes.
For my last meal I want a piece of Lego® in the carpet seasoned heavily with the things I’m hiding in my basement.
God didn’t create me. God created the things I’m hiding in my basement. And the things I’m hiding in my basement created me.



horrible morning breath n

At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into horrible morning breath before getting groped by a senator.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of horrible morning breath.
The city put in new road signs to indicate horrible morning breath just up ahead.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of all our faces in history, rode into battle atop horrible morning breath.
No more joy brings horrible morning breath to a child’s face.
They don’t make horrible morning breath like they used to! This one doesn’t even have clemency.



myspace nc

I can’t believe you guys went ruining our planet without me! Loop me in next time, I want myspace too!
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of Taco Bell® and a Fedex full of myspace.
Shepherds in Scotland have used myspace for years to keep the flock from the whole bottle of sleeping pills.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience myspace like I was really there.
I ordered myspace privately over the Internet so I can get better at leaving nothing sacred.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to myspace, even before I put on my clothes.



facebook nc

Facebook is the only way to say goodbye.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as facebook.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide facebook directly.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only facebook and a lamprey infestation come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Facebook Co., tapping into the growing market for a pipe bomb.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of skin worms, facebook, and my hater.



peeing on things to claim them as your own v

Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of iodine-loving bot that hates peeing on things to claim them as your own.
We couldn’t land because of the measure of a man caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like peeing on things to claim them as your own.
On the assembly line we heat an infinite supply of anything and everything right at your fucking fingertips to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is peeing on things to claim them as your own.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be peeing on things to claim them as your own.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, peeing on things to claim them as your own every single day.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into both ends, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start peeing on things to claim them as your own.



bruises from “falling down the stairs” v

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in bruises from “falling down the stairs”.
The cruiseliner struck the world’s fastest pump and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with bruises from “falling down the stairs”.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a bucket of amniotic fluid in the attic. Anyway, I’m bruises from “falling down the stairs”.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, bruises from “falling down the stairs” appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Happiness: A powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft, bruises from “falling down the stairs”, and valid reasoning.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of bruises from “falling down the stairs”.

User
Pervert alert.   are back on Twitter.

Pervert alert. a berserk horse are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. hand-to-hand combat are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. big pants are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. a shitty, useless planet are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. battery acid are back on Twitter.
Pervert alert. all the leopards are back on Twitter.



  suck and they are bad for the USA.

bucketloads suck and they are bad for the USA.
struggling with a police officer suck and they are bad for the USA.
gross people suck and they are bad for the USA.
irresponsible parenting suck and they are bad for the USA.
violent death suck and they are bad for the USA.
a great big sword suck and they are bad for the USA.



Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw  .

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a hardened native warrior.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw drinking palm wine from your enemy’s skull.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw an inattentive mother.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a burst of energy.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a spinning jenny.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw the chair.



Make   great again.

Make diplomatic support great again.
Make that jackass great again.
Make the steamboat captain great again.
Make a better place now great again.
Make judgment great again.
Make a weak little person great again.



If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be   .

If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be my hater .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be the seedy underbelly .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be an enhanced interrogation .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be one more .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be explicit eating .
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be a mistake .



 . Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.

gross mystery meat. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
pure honey. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
outrageous fortune. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
insurrection. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
a slip of the tongue. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
finding a place to fart. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.



Senator, I trust you enjoyed   last night. Now, can I count on your vote?

Senator, I trust you enjoyed a tender moment last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed bitches on the love throne last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed an igloo last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed marginal gains last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed freshly squozen poo water last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Senator, I trust you enjoyed firing a volley of muskets into a dark room last night. Now, can I count on your vote?



The wall will go up and   will start behaving.

The wall will go up and pendulous breasts will start behaving.
The wall will go up and jalapeños will start behaving.
The wall will go up and smiling like a donut will start behaving.
The wall will go up and going out on a limb will start behaving.
The wall will go up and my wedding ring will start behaving.
The wall will go up and Gene Simmons’ tongue will start behaving.



No more   at Starbucks.

No more doing it RIGHT this time! at Starbucks.
No more sock puppets at Starbucks.
No more circumstance at Starbucks.
No more things that aren’t intelligible at Starbucks.
No more invoking a curse at Starbucks.
No more lower standards at Starbucks.



Make   great again.

Make wriggly little worms great again.
Make Coach Diddleplayers great again.
Make urine sprinkles great again.
Make a velvet fist great again.
Make lubing up great again.
Make prey great again.





micropenises np

I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with micropenises.
A social skill is any skill facilitating micropenises with others.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by micropenises.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is micropenises.
John “steady pumping” Smith. The genius who brought us micropenises.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and micropenises in the Philippines.



Mexicans np

The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out Mexicans.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as Mexicans.
This workplace has gone (0) days without Mexicans.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A 57-foot-diameter Tunnel Boring Machine” and it helps me with Mexicans.
Happiness: Mexicans, a robotic policeman, and #1 Dad.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created Mexicans.



my daughter nc

Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using my daughter to treat shame!
The survey team detected my daughter at the work site so I threw solvent in my truck and drove straight there.
I like my women like I like my daughter: breaking down in a cheap motel room with a surgical rotary saw.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, my daughter... Sweet! Sunny-D!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on my daughter.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise my daughter by rewarding them with my first time.



small hands np

Daddy! There’s small hands under my bed. Kill it kill it!
In this 15th century painting, the roof is represented by a man with small hands for a head.
If you kids don’t stop lifting his kilt and winking, I will turn small hands around!
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be small hands.
But I promised my kids they could get small hands for Christmas!
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of small hands in its food processing operations.



Muslims np

I need a hotel room with a gasoline enema, and I need Muslims brought to me every four hours.
If my neighbor doesn’t get Muslims off my property, I’m calling the cops!
Muslims produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under subordinated masculinity to keep warm.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found Muslims in the walls at my office.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s Muslims straddled by a horizontal ass crack.
Muslims isn’t getting old, but I sure am!



talking about the size of your penis on live TV v

Then God said, “Let there be talking about the size of your penis on live TV”; and there was talking about the size of your penis on live TV. And God saw that talking about the size of your penis on live TV was good.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for talking about the size of your penis on live TV.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with talking about the size of your penis on live TV.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Talking about the size of your penis on live TV, getting HUGE and a flagrant misuse of the English language.
If you ask me, talking about the size of your penis on live TV makes good neighbors.
The new bill before congress would mandate talking about the size of your penis on live TV in all K-through-12 classrooms.



trying to wake up from this nightmare v

I need help with my computer! I downloaded another way in and now I’m having trouble with trying to wake up from this nightmare.
I think that ecstasy was cut with fatty grunts. After one hit I began very, very rapidly trying to wake up from this nightmare.
If you have a dream about trying to wake up from this nightmare, it meas you’re worried about a squirming pile of Japanese robot sex dolls.
Here on the assembly line we heat shame to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is trying to wake up from this nightmare.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift most of my money over my head, but trying to wake up from this nightmare got in the way.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn trying to wake up from this nightmare, but now for work I’m the world’s fastest pump. Go figure!



finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea v

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea heard remote.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea in a very realistic way.
10% of all proceeds from sales of an enjoyable life will go to The Finding out That Democracy Might Not Be Such a Great Idea Foundation.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride just a little something to cap off the night. It made me feel like I was finding out that democracy might not be such a great idea.



the Alt-Right n

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “the Alt-Right.”
You spent all your food-stamps on the Alt-Right?!
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow The Alt-Right?
Honey, you can’t keep putting the Alt-Right down the garbage disposal!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by the Alt-Right.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by the Alt-Right and shavings.



shouting the loudest v

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience shouting the loudest like I was really there.
I chipped my tooth on talent and poise. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t shouting the loudest.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s shouting the loudest and I think I believe her!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Shouting the Loudest and You”.
Shepherds in Scotland have used shouting the loudest for years to keep the flock from valid reasoning.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of shouting the loudest came on the screen.



poorly educated voters np

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, poorly educated voters emerged.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember poorly educated voters?”
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing poorly educated voters, since we’re so good at it.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Poorly Educated Voters is a code to live by.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of poorly educated voters-loving bot that hates my person.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is poorly educated voters.



Vietnamese prison camps np

God didn’t create me. God created Vietnamese prison camps. And Vietnamese prison camps created me.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be carrion birds while I’m Vietnamese prison camps!
At my 9th birthday, we had a lovable grandfather piñata that burst open showering Vietnamese prison camps on us kids.
Working on my car I found Vietnamese prison camps had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Vietnamese prison camps! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all negotiating peace.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a bucket destroyed and Vietnamese prison camps killed as well.



dating your daughter v

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re dating your daughter and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
Pool rules: No running. No dating your daughter. Keep all sorts of shit out of the deep end.
Pundits agree it will take dating your daughter for the senator to win the election.
The TSA has made new rules mandating dating your daughter on every commercial flight.
What the thick pudding department lacks in selection, we make up for in dating your daughter.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Dating Your Daughter Blast!



police shooting brown people v

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: police shooting brown people.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a beehive went off early, ejecting police shooting brown people into the air!
Furious that I was police shooting brown people into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into $200 worth of Taco Bell™.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Police Shooting Brown People” syndrome!
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, police shooting brown people, toilet paper, shelter, and a bad landing.
There is no revenge so complete as police shooting brown people.



trying to remember what music was v

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by trying to remember what music was around the building.
My new phone looks like it’s trying to remember what music was but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be trying to remember what music was if I wanted a new family.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to trying to remember what music was, even before I put on my clothes.
Men, like its opposite, go farthest when they are trying to remember what music was.
When maximum bitch mode is ready, trying to remember what music was will appear.



the best words n

Chimps in the wild have been observed using the best words to forage for food.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, the best words appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was the best words.
The terrorists will execute the best words every 20 minutes until they receive one night in Bangkok.
The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are the best words and my fantasy.
Ugh. I ate the best words last night and I’ve been trying to put on all white moms all morning.



a short-fingered vulgarian n

Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into a short-fingered vulgarian.
I pushed hard enough to snap a short-fingered vulgarian, but some powerful kind of fate was blocking the door.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put a short-fingered vulgarian in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a short-fingered vulgarian.
On the assembly line we heat a short-fingered vulgarian to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is running around slamming doors.
Don’t look at me while I’m a short-fingered vulgarian! It messes me up!

User
Sabaton. Because no other band will give you a history boner.

Sick vid


Sick vid


Sick vid
User
That ain’t no office! What kind of office is full of  ?

That ain’t no office! What kind of office is full of the world’s fastest pump?
That ain’t no office! What kind of office is full of ear worms?
That ain’t no office! What kind of office is full of helpful subordinates?
That ain’t no office! What kind of office is full of the “swimsuit area”?
That ain’t no office! What kind of office is full of those glorious gams?
That ain’t no office! What kind of office is full of the egg I hatched from?



And when the ducks found the ugliest duckling, he had transformed into .

And when the ducks found the ugliest duckling, he had transformed intoMom and Dad.
And when the ducks found the ugliest duckling, he had transformed intoa sex-addicted panda.
And when the ducks found the ugliest duckling, he had transformed intoa ripe body.
And when the ducks found the ugliest duckling, he had transformed intoexistential ennui.
And when the ducks found the ugliest duckling, he had transformed intodank memes.
And when the ducks found the ugliest duckling, he had transformed intoWoman 2.0.



the cutest little Viking n

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with the cutest little Viking jumping and nipping at me from below and even following your boner around the room.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of the cutest little Viking, Jüri Pootsmann, and respite.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt the cutest little Viking in the sea.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring the cutest little Viking.
I chipped my tooth on the cutest little Viking. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t two F-bombs.
Pool rules: No running. No fairy tales. Keep the cutest little Viking out of the deep end.



a haunted sandcastle n

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am servile wretches. Would you like to try our new special, a haunted sandcastle?
In future times, the children will work together to build a haunted sandcastle.
Let seed host your next party, providing a haunted sandcastle like you’ve never seen before.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always a haunted sandcastle. Always.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not a haunted sandcastle like your brother?”
I’m getting a haunted sandcastle installed in my car, so I can be Krampus, the child punisher while I drive.



bourbon and ball-gags np

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, high-voltage wires, sloth, wrath, bourbon and ball-gags, and pride.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of cinderblock justice and a Fedex full of bourbon and ball-gags.
There is no revenge so complete as bourbon and ball-gags.
It’s not delivery. It’s bourbon and ball-gags.
You can’t get bourbon and ball-gags big enough or the roof long enough to suit me.
The cruiseliner struck bourbon and ball-gags and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with putting on pants.



spare “adhesive tape” and “belts” np

My publisher demanded I remove spare “adhesive tape” and “belts” from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Spare “adhesive Tape” and “belts”” syndrome!
Can I get some floss? There’s spare “adhesive tape” and “belts” between my teeth.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took spare “adhesive tape” and “belts” to the funeral.
Two best friends and animal friends take a road trip, and discover spare “adhesive tape” and “belts” along the way.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with spare “adhesive tape” and “belts”.



gas station candy np

Working on my car I found gas station candy had crawled inside the engine block and died.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in gas station candy.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about gas station candy.
Getting gas station candy back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
If you have a dream about a van down by the river, it meas you’re worried about gas station candy.
I buried my treasure under gas station candy so you’d never find it!



being under-qualified at everything except for murdering innocent minorities v

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “being under-qualified at everything except for murdering innocent minorities.”
I like my women like I like being under-qualified at everything except for murdering innocent minorities: fusing together with laying claim.
When the chair is ready, being under-qualified at everything except for murdering innocent minorities will appear.
Happiness: Being under-qualified at everything except for murdering innocent minorities, a submissive sex android, and windmilling.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider being under-qualified at everything except for murdering innocent minorities.
Don’t shake my picture so hard, it’ll start being under-qualified at everything except for murdering innocent minorities.


User
piping-hot pot brownies n

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Forcing the Leprechauns to Breed Co., tapping into the growing market for piping-hot pot brownies.
During my driving test, I backed my car into piping-hot pot brownies. I still got an 85!
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me piping-hot pot brownies while we were still in the car.
During the war, German scientists experimented with Princess Perfect to weaponize piping-hot pot brownies.
I need a hotel room with a sex-addicted panda, and I need piping-hot pot brownies brought to me every four hours.
The best comfort food will always be greens, piping-hot pot brownies, and fried chicken.



enraged war elephants np

Chimps in the wild have been observed using enraged war elephants to forage for food.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always enraged war elephants. Always.
Men, like enraged war elephants, go farthest when they are a kangaroo kick to the head.
At the skating rink there was enraged war elephants and everyone fell down at once.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have enraged war elephants.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by enraged war elephants.



User
eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird v

During the war, German scientists experimented with eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird to weaponize a crotchety old hermit.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird.
For my last meal I want a mutilated torso seasoned heavily with eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird if I wanted a new family.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird in its food processing operations.



making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements v

... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements, would you be making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements as well?”
Men, like dying evil, go farthest when they are making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements around the building.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as my DNA, score points by making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements, and a fresh banana shall not be on the field.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Making Awkward and Inappropriate Sexual Statements”! I shook his hand and it felt like making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for being busy with it and making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements at the assembly line.



an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire v

Ha! You activated my trap card, “An Oncoming Freight Train Made of Plutonium and Also Fire!” You’re cursed with adults eating teenagers alive until the end of the game!
Don’t shake workplace chatter so hard, it’ll start an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire and expectorating some sludge.
When the beef came at me it was like an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through an Oncoming Freight Train Made of Plutonium and Also Fire!
My dream house has the longest, thinnest hot dog built in, an extra garage for an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire, and Fancy Santas for the door bell.



a nightmarish little ball of suffering vt

Always walk into an interview with a blinding flash of insight and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a nightmarish little ball of suffering.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “a Nightmarish Little Ball of Suffering
If you ask me, a nightmarish little ball of suffering makes good neighbors.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: A Nightmarish Little Ball of Suffering.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a nightmarish little ball of suffering.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is a nightmarish little ball of suffering.



pushing her buttons v

The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “pushing her buttons” incident in the science lab.
I tried pushing her buttons but it was too tight. Then I tried real human interaction but it was TOO LOOSE.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with the Army jumping and nipping at me from below and even pushing her buttons.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Pushing Her Buttons Blast!
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about pushing her buttons?
Thanks for pushing her buttons. Now get out of my bed!



moving and talking at the same time v

No one in Morocco can be moving and talking at the same time without registering with the government.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s moving and talking at the same time, with a virus around the edges, and $20 worth of pot on top.
Moving and talking at the same time is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Moving and Talking at the Same Time Co., tapping into the growing market for a difficult Canadian.
When that ass is ready, moving and talking at the same time will appear.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of moving and talking at the same time came on the screen.



a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis n

Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis. The driver was pulling out just in time.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off human tears out of a champagne flute in the stands and then knocked shame off a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was hitting a man out of his wheelchair, part was a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis, and it was crowned with some kind of bizarre barbecue CPR.
My mom picked me up a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis popped out!
Back in my day, we only had a plug for the other hole for a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis and we LIKED IT.



blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore v

Last night I dreamed of blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore. I cannot shake the feeling that just the thing will arrive soon.
Our artisanal process ages special pube shampoo for 3 years, before going right into blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore, rapidly being asleep, not dead.
If you do it right, blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore is all about the whole bottle of sleeping pills.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore to forage for food.
Hotdog grade “meat”! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore.



drinking milk. Dick milk v

J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of drinking milk. Dick milk.
What the those glorious gams department lacks in selection, we make up for in drinking milk. Dick milk.
I am become drinking milk. Dick milk, the destroyer of a little spurt.
Pool rules: No running. No drinking milk. Dick milk. Keep power of attorney out of the deep end.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS WHAT MAY BECOME A BONER DRINKING MILK. DICK MILK.”
A social skill is any skill facilitating drinking milk. Dick milk with others.



wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions v

I’m late to my meeting for wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions.
Music without the sounds of wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions is hardly music at all.
Go, go, Gadget Wordless and Unnecessarily Confusing Actions!
The Great Wall was actually built to keep wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions out of mainland China.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: ruth-bader-ginsburg-s-frilly-neckerchief@wordless-and-unnecessarily-confusing-actions.net
My house. 8 o’clock. Wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions.



constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything vt

I noticed symptoms of tumbling down a mountain, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything!” but I’m not sure.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything.
My car looks like it’s constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
If constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a mental illness.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything”.



This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister into .

This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intoa mindless animal response.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intobeets. Mashed beets.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intoa deflating balloon.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intoa dust cloud.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intosmacking your bitch in public.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intograndma’s soggy diaper.



Great, somebody started   again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.

Great, somebody started the taste of Rohypnol again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started lips again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started making sure no one sees again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started a skin tag again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started you, ya dirty bum again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started the brave men and women fighting for us again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.



Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in  ?

Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in snake jizz?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in favorable terrain?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in masturbating to pictures of dead animals?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in a gynecological procedure?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in providing unscrupulous advice?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in an eyeless face?

User
a regular collection of goofs n

During the war, German scientists experimented with a regular collection of goofs to weaponize sea urchins.
Getting a regular collection of goofs back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
God didn’t create me. God created a regular collection of goofs. And a regular collection of goofs created me.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted a regular collection of goofs to the vastness of space.
Give a man an elite Korean hacker and you feed him for a day. Give him a regular collection of goofs, and you feed him for a lifetime.
I got into my car and sat on a regular collection of goofs. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.



a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios n

My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios, since we’re so good at it.
You can’t get bromance big enough or a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios long enough to suit me.
In the third world, luxuries like a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to a big mean dookie on deck.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had royal authority removed so he could be a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios.
I can’t swing a dusty bowl of unopenable pistachios around here without hitting long pork!



a veritable army of jackasses n

Let’s wait for a veritable army of jackasses to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get the power-off switch.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a veritable army of jackasses, sloth, wrath, a feather, and pride.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a veritable army of jackasses?”
I didn’t think this house would sell with an iceberg in the attic. Anyway, I’m a veritable army of jackasses.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw a veritable army of jackasses overboard!
In this game you get to collect both ends and craft a veritable army of jackasses.



a coffee can full of pennies n

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Dying in Captivity Co., tapping into the growing market for a coffee can full of pennies.
Daddy! There’s a coffee can full of pennies under my bed. Kill it kill it!
Bumper sticker: My other ride is a coffee can full of pennies.
Two best friends and consensual manslaughter take a road trip, and discover a coffee can full of pennies along the way.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a coffee can full of pennies that overturned their car.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. A Coffee Can Full of Pennies is a smiling idiot.



a colon of undigestibles n

My car looks like it’s a colon of undigestibles but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Colon of Undigestibles”! I shook his hand and it felt like a colon of undigestibles.
I noticed symptoms of living on the edge, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s a colon of undigestibles!” but I’m not sure.
The cineplex has been using a colon of undigestibles in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with a colon of undigestibles hanging in the window.
Don’t look at me while I’m a colon of undigestibles! It messes me up!



a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late n

What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late... Sweet! Sunny-D!
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late one ounce at a time.
Here’s a certificate for a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late. I am at your service.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: A Pre-packaged Bag of Salad with a Dead Bug in It You Don't Notice Until It's Too Late Blast!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a pre-packaged bag of salad with a dead bug in It you don't notice until it's too late really affected me.



a public pool plagued with floating diapers n

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by a public pool plagued with floating diapers around the building.
See now black people walk like a public pool plagued with floating diapers. But white people -- white people walk like they’re peeing in the sink!
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with a public pool plagued with floating diapers.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is a public pool plagued with floating diapers.
The best comfort food will always be greens, a public pool plagued with floating diapers, and fried chicken.
The terrorists will execute this half of the planet every 20 minutes until they receive a public pool plagued with floating diapers.



a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans np

The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: 60 Seconds Does a Well-meaning Group of Patriotic Bipartisans.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans, score points by completely wigging out, and a suffering bastard shall not be on the field.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a quickie for years to keep the flock from a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans.”
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found a well-meaning group of patriotic bipartisans.

User
butt gas np

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took butt gas to the funeral.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock butt gas and slow diarrhea in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only butt gas and a hackneyed truism come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
Can I get some floss? There’s butt gas between my teeth.
The new bill before congress would mandate butt gas in all K-through-12 classrooms.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of butt gas.

User
whispering sweet nothings into your own ear v

If you kids don’t stop investigating crimes and making arrests, I will turn whispering sweet nothings into your own ear around!
During the war, German scientists experimented with whispering sweet nothings into your own ear to weaponize a power cord.
My dream house has day-to-day affairs built in, an extra garage for whispering sweet nothings into your own ear, and a small angry cloud for the door bell.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was whispering sweet nothings into your own ear, part was complex maths, and it was crowned with a piece of lint near my vagina.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Whispering Sweet Nothings into Your Own Ear
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift chafing jeans over my head, but whispering sweet nothings into your own ear got in the way.

User
burning the house down v

Men, like a beefy meal, go farthest when they are burning the house down.
I chipped my tooth on a sexual encounter. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t burning the house down.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise burning the house down by rewarding them with a protruding vein.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're burning the house down!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into burning the house down! She’s 62!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “burning the house down”.



double-tight yoga pants n

Jesus is double-tight yoga pants.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with double-tight yoga pants slowly overtaking the buildings.
Authorities were tallying damage from double-tight yoga pants that struck southern California Friday evening.
Chase bank is giving out double-tight yoga pants this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
During routine surgery, the doctors found double-tight yoga pants embedded in my abdomen.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were double-tight yoga pants, would you be double-tight yoga pants as well?”



taking her to 'The Bone Zone’ v

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a glass pane-loving bot that hates taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Taking Her to 'The Bone Zone’
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
Don’t look at me while I’m taking her to 'The Bone Zone’! It messes me up!



dripping with erotic possibilities v

John “drawing your knife and slashing your way out of the tent” Smith. The genius who brought us dripping with erotic possibilities.
Alexander also named a city in India “Dripping with Erotic Possibilities” after his dead horse.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was dripping with erotic possibilities, part was a little sumthin sumthin, and it was crowned with a bottle of urine.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore dripping with erotic possibilities in a very realistic way.
Dripping with erotic possibilities brings one mile of train rail to a child’s face.
Throughout human history, dripping with erotic possibilities has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.



poop sliding out of our butts n

For science class we went on a field trip to see how poop sliding out of our butts happens.
Hark! What poop sliding out of our butts through yonder window breaks?
Sir! We are out of anal cleansing tablets, but we found poop sliding out of our butts while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider poop sliding out of our butts.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock consensual manslaughter and poop sliding out of our butts in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced the savory gels of her lust with poop sliding out of our butts.




Ok, I’ll admit   might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in  .2

Ok, I’ll admit sinuses might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in a bear in a trashcan.
Ok, I’ll admit a fish choad might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in getting crushed between two trucks.
Ok, I’ll admit a line might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in fatty grunts.
Ok, I’ll admit thunderclaps might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind.
Ok, I’ll admit a perfect vacuum might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in getting tickled until you bust a nut.
Ok, I’ll admit racist bullshit might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in Oprah’s warm embrace.


User
Bethesda has a reputation for  .

Bethesda has a reputation for someone.
Bethesda has a reputation for bodily fluids.
Bethesda has a reputation for a tightrope.
Bethesda has a reputation for a dust cloud.
Bethesda has a reputation for a double-meat pizza.
Bethesda has a reputation for that urpy feeling like when you eat too much.



I swear, if North Korea saw   coming over a hill, and they were all  , I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.2

I swear, if North Korea saw rubbery, cleaner poops coming over a hill, and they were all a battalion of ruthless, killer cyborgs, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw MY SKULL! coming over a hill, and they were all stainless steel plating, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw a heron coming over a hill, and they were all the last breath of a dying man, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw the very foundation coming over a hill, and they were all the immigrant experience in America, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw a great big sword coming over a hill, and they were all a new Wes Anderson movie, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw all the air in the room coming over a hill, and they were all an even harder bang, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.




eating pancakes off your own chest v

My house. 8 o’clock. Eating pancakes off your own chest.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Eating Pancakes off Your Own Chest” syndrome!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “eating pancakes off your own chest”.
Then God said, “Let there be eating pancakes off your own chest”; and there was eating pancakes off your own chest. And God saw that eating pancakes off your own chest was good.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with eating pancakes off your own chest! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced the best of us with eating pancakes off your own chest.



working all night to make sure nothing gets done v

Let’s wait for drugs to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get working all night to make sure nothing gets done.
Working all night to make sure nothing gets done! Working all night to make sure nothing gets done! My kingdom for working all night to make sure nothing gets done!
In the public working all night to make sure nothing gets done model, a third-party service provider delivers the working all night to make sure nothing gets done service over the Internet.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were working all night to make sure nothing gets done, would you be working all night to make sure nothing gets done as well?”
If you ask me, working all night to make sure nothing gets done makes good neighbors.
When the tiniest little idea in my pea brain is ready, working all night to make sure nothing gets done will appear.



some next-level shit nc

During routine surgery, the doctors found some next-level shit embedded in my abdomen.
I came with some next-level shit to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought headroom so nobody even noticed!
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw some next-level shit for the first time!
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was some next-level shit.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Crossing a Moral Boundary!” You’re cursed with some next-level shit until the end of the game!
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of some next-level shit came on the screen.



waving dildo-bats v

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of waving dildo-bats.
Waving dildo-bats is the only way to say goodbye.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Waving Dildo-bats.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all tainted love, right while I’m waving dildo-bats.
The TSA has made new rules mandating waving dildo-bats on every commercial flight.
Pool rules: No running. No waving dildo-bats. Keep an imitation poop spiral out of the deep end.



1000 soldiers np

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than 1000 soldiers.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see 1000 soldiers spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be 1000 soldiers while I’m a motorist!
Her inheritance was squandered upon 1000 soldiers while Cinderella was abused and forced to become less candy than usual in her own home.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then 1000 soldiers really affected me.
In the third world, luxuries like 1000 soldiers are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to a dust bunny.



mechahitler nc

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with mechahitler.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, mechahitler emerged.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have mechahitler.
I got into my car and sat on mechahitler. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted mechahitler to the vastness of space.
They said mechahitler was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with hopefully not me this time.


User
sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen v

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Sacrificing the Retarded to Make the Magic Happen.
I went rafting, saw sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen in the river, no big deal.
I am become sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen, the destroyer of a nicer surprise.
My car looks like it’s sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
Look, man, I’m not into sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen. But $20 is $20.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen, and the eco-glass windows trap in creatures.



Algebra for everything vt

Algebra for everything brings ape sounds to a child’s face.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were Algebra for everything, would you be Algebra for everything as well?”
Men, like things money can’t buy, go farthest when they are Algebra for everything.
Pundits agree it will take Algebra for everything for the senator to win the election.
Let’s wait for Mom and Dad to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get Algebra for everything.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of Algebra for everything.



one of those unwanted baby drop-off points np

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “One of Those Unwanted Baby Drop-off Points” syndrome!
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but one of those unwanted baby drop-off points.
I think that ecstasy was cut with one of those unwanted baby drop-off points. After one hit I began very, very rapidly licking.
In a world with upsetting footage not suitable for children gettin’ all up close, one man must overcome one of those unwanted baby drop-off points. Coming this summer.
No one in Morocco can be one of those unwanted baby drop-off points without registering with the government.
During my driving test, I backed my car into one of those unwanted baby drop-off points. I still got an 85!



throwing swords into assholes v

See now black people walk like a sexy, but stylish full turn. But white people -- white people walk like they’re throwing swords into assholes!
I’ll never know why my grandparents find throwing swords into assholes so relaxing.
My religion demands that I must abstain from throwing swords into assholes. Squandering however, is OK.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into throwing swords into assholes! She’s 62!
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and throwing swords into assholes.
The TSA has made new rules mandating throwing swords into assholes on every commercial flight.



everywhere but Oklahoma nc

Don’t look at me while I’m everywhere but Oklahoma! It messes me up!
Back in my day, we only had mandibles for everywhere but Oklahoma and we LIKED IT.
During routine surgery, the doctors found everywhere but Oklahoma embedded in my abdomen.
The authorities followed the trail of everywhere but Oklahoma, leading them straight to the suspect.
The best comfort food will always be greens, everywhere but Oklahoma, and fried chicken.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed everywhere but Oklahoma up and down the highway.



Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls n

Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s a reception area for social events straddled by Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls jumping and nipping at me from below and even solving a problem.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls in every room.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of competitive masturbation in history, rode into battle atop Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls removed so he could be not knowing or caring why.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from hate-fucking with Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls.


User
What is this. what is going on. Someone help. I need an adult.

User
Honestly. How many times have you had the dream where you shoot   at  ?2

Honestly. How many times have you had the dream where you shoot sock puppets at animal friends?
Honestly. How many times have you had the dream where you shoot an injection at ritual human sacrifice?
Honestly. How many times have you had the dream where you shoot little turds everywhere at a broken ceiling tile?
Honestly. How many times have you had the dream where you shoot hate-fucking at a forgotten relic?
Honestly. How many times have you had the dream where you shoot an active member of the communist party at reduced brain intelligence?
Honestly. How many times have you had the dream where you shoot spices at a deadly fall?



From a gloomy doom swamp in the bayou of South America, comes   they shouldn't have messed with.

From a gloomy doom swamp in the bayou of South America, comes years of pain they shouldn't have messed with.
From a gloomy doom swamp in the bayou of South America, comes a deceitful word they shouldn't have messed with.
From a gloomy doom swamp in the bayou of South America, comes the greatest mistake of my life they shouldn't have messed with.
From a gloomy doom swamp in the bayou of South America, comes an under-the-table interaction they shouldn't have messed with.
From a gloomy doom swamp in the bayou of South America, comes this half of the planet they shouldn't have messed with.
From a gloomy doom swamp in the bayou of South America, comes a line they shouldn't have messed with.



I mean, when I think South America, I think of  .

I mean, when I think South America, I think of porkin’.
I mean, when I think South America, I think of a novelty oversized foam fist.
I mean, when I think South America, I think of a menacing spike.
I mean, when I think South America, I think of unbearable bitching.
I mean, when I think South America, I think of T-boning an ambulance.
I mean, when I think South America, I think of Axl Rose and his big teeth.



If you had asked me what the weird creatures would be in this movie just going by the title alone, I probably would have picked  .

If you had asked me what the weird creatures would be in this movie just going by the title alone, I probably would have picked ammunition.
If you had asked me what the weird creatures would be in this movie just going by the title alone, I probably would have picked good, Christian values.
If you had asked me what the weird creatures would be in this movie just going by the title alone, I probably would have picked $200 worth of Taco Bell™.
If you had asked me what the weird creatures would be in this movie just going by the title alone, I probably would have picked a shock.
If you had asked me what the weird creatures would be in this movie just going by the title alone, I probably would have picked doing things for attention.
If you had asked me what the weird creatures would be in this movie just going by the title alone, I probably would have picked the coming race war.



The referee just issued a red card to   for sliding into  .2

The referee just issued a red card to leaving your friends to die for sliding into what makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth.
The referee just issued a red card to the signs of spousal abuse for sliding into ground control.
The referee just issued a red card to that jackass for sliding into a jackhammer.
The referee just issued a red card to those responsible for sliding into a great review.
The referee just issued a red card to a perverted, unnatural cavern for sliding into wandering around.
The referee just issued a red card to original white, straight Barbie for sliding into an imitation poop spiral.



Another big "Sure, why not?" for  .

Another big "Sure, why not?" for a girl gone sour.
Another big "Sure, why not?" for a conflict of interest.
Another big "Sure, why not?" for re-entering the ocean.
Another big "Sure, why not?" for baseless hatred.
Another big "Sure, why not?" for failure.
Another big "Sure, why not?" for a dickhole lion.




guerrilla warfare nc

Any man who can drive safely while kissing guerrilla warfare is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn black market organs, but now for work I’m guerrilla warfare. Go figure!
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with guerrilla warfare.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find guerrilla warfare so relaxing.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of guerrilla warfare.
When I saw guerrilla warfare I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, danglin’ out there all pink and naked, I went white as a sheet!



gorilla warfare nc

I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find gorilla warfare.
Gorilla warfare nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid B.J. Pussylips.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of gorilla warfare in the soil.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw gorilla warfare overboard!
And my mother said, “How come you’re not gorilla warfare like your brother?”
This year’s hottest new fashion is gorilla warfare on your head.



minotaur gorillas np

Growing up we never had secretions, but we had to deal with minotaur gorillas, and I want the opposite for my children.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with minotaur gorillas and are ordered to be a telescoping baton no matter what.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted minotaur gorillas to the vastness of space.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is minotaur gorillas.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all minotaur gorillas, right while I’m providing unscrupulous advice.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of minotaur gorillas in its food processing operations.



a giant bug man n

It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a giant bug man.
On Ebay you can get a giant bug man but it comes in several tiny boxes.
Happiness: Victory or death, my front yard, and a giant bug man.
Ich bin ein a giant bug man.
Go, go, Gadget a Giant Bug Man!
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Giant Bug Man”! I shook his hand and it felt like a giant bug man.



a robot dinosaur n

Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s a robot dinosaur straddled by an emaciated bovine.
How high do you have to be to enjoy a robot dinosaur in a cold hearted assassin?
Daddy! There’s a robot dinosaur under my bed. Kill it kill it!
The best comfort food will always be greens, a robot dinosaur, and fried chicken.
A robot dinosaur is the only way to say goodbye.
Ah, a robot dinosaur for my collection. Now no one has more than me.



the one techno barbarian n

Music without the sounds of the one techno barbarian is hardly music at all.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “The One Techno Barbarian,” the finest ship in the harbor!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into the one techno barbarian! She’s 62!
If you kids don’t stop startling a tweaker, I will turn the one techno barbarian around!
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like spider silk and is carrying the one techno barbarian.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into the one techno barbarian and stopped.



flying jaguars wearing nothing but sunglasses and a wristwatch v

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of flying jaguars wearing nothing but sunglasses and a wristwatch.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s flying jaguars wearing nothing but sunglasses and a wristwatch, with baby eels around the edges, and crush beast on top.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced curious bisexuals with flying jaguars wearing nothing but sunglasses and a wristwatch.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “flying jaguars wearing nothing but sunglasses and a wristwatch”.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to flying jaguars wearing nothing but sunglasses and a wristwatch.
I ordered a winking hole privately over the Internet so I can get better at flying jaguars wearing nothing but sunglasses and a wristwatch.

User
Nothing shocking, really, except the quantity. This RPG features   in almost every picture. Which makes it my kind of game.

Nothing shocking, really, except the quantity. This RPG features seizing the means of production in almost every picture. Which makes it my kind of game.
Nothing shocking, really, except the quantity. This RPG features a raisin or maybe rabbit poop in almost every picture. Which makes it my kind of game.
Nothing shocking, really, except the quantity. This RPG features most of my money in almost every picture. Which makes it my kind of game.
Nothing shocking, really, except the quantity. This RPG features oiled thighs in almost every picture. Which makes it my kind of game.
Nothing shocking, really, except the quantity. This RPG features beets. Mashed beets in almost every picture. Which makes it my kind of game.
Nothing shocking, really, except the quantity. This RPG features a ripcord in almost every picture. Which makes it my kind of game.



I feel like the artist was told to illustrate   and   and went ahead and crammed as much boob into the picture as possible.2

I feel like the artist was told to illustrate good, Christian values and something we assumed to be true and went ahead and crammed as much boob into the picture as possible.
I feel like the artist was told to illustrate being too busy and sneaking into the sultan’s harem and went ahead and crammed as much boob into the picture as possible.
I feel like the artist was told to illustrate tweaker logic and ravaging Earth’s resources and went ahead and crammed as much boob into the picture as possible.
I feel like the artist was told to illustrate what may become a boner and peeing in the sink and went ahead and crammed as much boob into the picture as possible.
I feel like the artist was told to illustrate slipping on a jizz slick and a bang-up job and went ahead and crammed as much boob into the picture as possible.
I feel like the artist was told to illustrate slipping some handcuffs under the door and a novelty gag dildo and went ahead and crammed as much boob into the picture as possible.



I'd love to see the Craigslist ad for  .

I'd love to see the Craigslist ad for lubricant.
I'd love to see the Craigslist ad for my DNA.
I'd love to see the Craigslist ad for making sure no one sees.
I'd love to see the Craigslist ad for dilation of the uterus.
I'd love to see the Craigslist ad for a loose handrail.
I'd love to see the Craigslist ad for a royal fleet of galleys.





the rape ghosts n

The rape ghosts is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Rape Ghosts.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me the rape ghosts and it’s getting weird.
My kid was acting like the rape ghosts, so I took away live wires hanging from the ceiling privileges.
I need a hotel room with a robotic policeman, and I need the rape ghosts brought to me every four hours.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Two Bats in a Giant Pair of Pajamas Does the Rape Ghosts.



an Amazon woman n

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually an Amazon woman.
The city put in new road signs to indicate an Amazon woman just up ahead.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with fingertips. So bring an Amazon woman.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through an Amazon Woman!
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider an Amazon woman.
Don’t shake an Amazon woman so hard, it’ll start a stand-off.



the "fun" stuff n

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “The First Blush of Womanhood” and it helps me with the "fun" stuff.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be being dragged while I’m the "fun" stuff!
I can’t swing a dust bunny around here without hitting the "fun" stuff!
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s our fraternity ritual straddled by the "fun" stuff.
The survey team detected the "fun" stuff at the work site so I threw raw goose in my truck and drove straight there.
The new bill before congress would mandate the "fun" stuff in all K-through-12 classrooms.



an ape shaman n

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a succulent jumbo prawn, with an ape shaman around the edges, and a back-breaking zit on top.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of an ape shaman in the soil.
Apparently, “an Ape Shaman” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with an ape shaman.
Pool rules: No running. No much needed supplies. Keep an ape shaman out of the deep end.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got an ape shaman painted on both sides, which some say encourages doing a bad job at pooping.



a horrible spider monster n

10% of all proceeds from sales of a horrible spider monster will go to The Roman Battlesex Foundation.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a horrible spider monster emerged.
Music without the sounds of a horrible spider monster is hardly music at all.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a horrible spider monster onto the International Space Station.
I am become black lace, the destroyer of a horrible spider monster.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s a horrible spider monster.



a raver lady in a corset with mondo breast implants n

Experts said that based on preliminary data, a raver lady in a corset with mondo breast implants appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a raver lady in a corset with mondo breast implants.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “A Human!” You’re cursed with a raver lady in a corset with mondo breast implants until the end of the game!
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Lips All Licorice Co., tapping into the growing market for a raver lady in a corset with mondo breast implants.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at sharpened teeth and my card appeared in a raver lady in a corset with mondo breast implants!
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took a raver lady in a corset with mondo breast implants to the funeral.



Patrick Swayze making a clay pot with his butthole n

The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of a good soak, so the temporary replacement uses Patrick Swayze making a clay pot with his butthole.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed Patrick Swayze making a clay pot with his butthole up and down the highway.
Chase bank is giving out Patrick Swayze making a clay pot with his butthole this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
Last Christmas, I gave you Patrick Swayze making a clay pot with his butthole. The very next day, you gave it away.
Daddy! There’s Patrick Swayze making a clay pot with his butthole under my bed. Kill it kill it!
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a hanging vine, toilet paper, shelter, and Patrick Swayze making a clay pot with his butthole.



underboob and a g-string vt

Don’t look at me while I’m underboob and a g-string! It messes me up!
Life without love is like underboob and a g-string without a slut who deserved it or fruit.
Pundits agree it will take underboob and a g-string for the senator to win the election.
In the public underboob and a g-string model, a third-party service provider delivers the underboob and a g-string service over the Internet.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then underboob and a g-string really affected me.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Underboob and a g-string, Coach Diddleplayers and spiders.

User
That kind of attitude is why we have   now!

That kind of attitude is why we have the last wish of a dying man now!
That kind of attitude is why we have scoring now!
That kind of attitude is why we have a head full of ideas now!
That kind of attitude is why we have the rifleman’s upper body now!
That kind of attitude is why we have just rockin’ that ass now!
That kind of attitude is why we have numerous guises now!



This is a great piece of art, because even though it doesn't have a lot of action, it has a lot of  .

This is a great piece of art, because even though it doesn't have a lot of action, it has a lot of King Edward’s sexual licentiousness.
This is a great piece of art, because even though it doesn't have a lot of action, it has a lot of shotgunning.
This is a great piece of art, because even though it doesn't have a lot of action, it has a lot of a velvet fist.
This is a great piece of art, because even though it doesn't have a lot of action, it has a lot of concerning news.
This is a great piece of art, because even though it doesn't have a lot of action, it has a lot of the only thing left.
This is a great piece of art, because even though it doesn't have a lot of action, it has a lot of bellowing.



It's intimidating if everything is  . Would you mess with a guy with   head?1

It's intimidating if everything is the orbital socket. Would you mess with a guy with the orbital socket head?
It's intimidating if everything is being shot at while fleeing. Would you mess with a guy with being shot at while fleeing head?
It's intimidating if everything is our own biological child. Would you mess with a guy with our own biological child head?
It's intimidating if everything is Mexican forces. Would you mess with a guy with Mexican forces head?
It's intimidating if everything is a pipe bomb. Would you mess with a guy with a pipe bomb head?
It's intimidating if everything is answers to all of life’s questions. Would you mess with a guy with answers to all of life’s questions head?




a skull n

Life without love is like a skull without witnesses or fruit.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Arthouse Films About Transexuals” and it helps me with a skull.
When I saw a skull I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, sobbing silently to yourself as the night closes in, I went white as a sheet!
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a gentleman with the tummy grumbles, toilet paper, shelter, and a skull.
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a skull at a player from the stands.
I wasn’t always black... there was a skull, and it got bigger and bigger.



implied action plus sex appeal np

The new top grade of gasoline has implied action plus sex appeal as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking implied action plus sex appeal into women’s purses and bags.
Whenever I cook implied action plus sex appeal I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into manliness.
Implied action plus sex appeal nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid welts.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to implied action plus sex appeal.
My favorite new band is “The Jape of the Century and Implied Action Plus Sex Appeal”.



hamburgers on pizzas np

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for hamburgers on pizzas.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with hamburgers on pizzas. So bring the sacred knife of Tecpatl.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about hamburgers on pizzas?
I ordered hamburgers on pizzas privately over the Internet so I can get better at hiding some pee.
Let’s wait for hot grills to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get hamburgers on pizzas.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of reasons to do it and a Fedex full of hamburgers on pizzas.



winking at you and making the BJ motion v

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Winking at You and Making the BJ Motion Blast!
The cruiseliner struck a more cavernous vagina and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with winking at you and making the BJ motion.
I tried shivering and moaning but it was too tight. Then I tried winking at you and making the BJ motion but it was TOO LOOSE.
There’s no reason for winking at you and making the BJ motion before breakfast.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride the instructions. It made me feel like I was winking at you and making the BJ motion.
Help! I’m winking at you and making the BJ motion and I need YOU to do something about it!



suicide by bicycle nc

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into suicide by bicycle, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start tits like a smoking chimney.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is suicide by bicycle.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around suicide by bicycle.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Suicide by Bicycle,” the finest ship in the harbor!
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: suicide-by-bicycle@rude-kids.net
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually suicide by bicycle.

User
He turned to me, and in a chilling voice said: “Where we're going, we don't need  .”

He turned to me, and in a chilling voice said: “Where we're going, we don't need a threat from Eurasia.”
He turned to me, and in a chilling voice said: “Where we're going, we don't need some dead guy’s money.”
He turned to me, and in a chilling voice said: “Where we're going, we don't need a double-meat pizza.”
He turned to me, and in a chilling voice said: “Where we're going, we don't need a secret room.”
He turned to me, and in a chilling voice said: “Where we're going, we don't need sex friends.”
He turned to me, and in a chilling voice said: “Where we're going, we don't need rolling in it.”



You think one man could possibly cover the entire subject of   with this reporting?

You think one man could possibly cover the entire subject of fresh young minds with this reporting?
You think one man could possibly cover the entire subject of a quality buttplug with this reporting?
You think one man could possibly cover the entire subject of a perfect vacuum with this reporting?
You think one man could possibly cover the entire subject of a coked up hooker with this reporting?
You think one man could possibly cover the entire subject of the whole planet with this reporting?
You think one man could possibly cover the entire subject of my alter ego with this reporting?



This was back in the day when literal high school notebook doodles of   would make it into official gaming products.

This was back in the day when literal high school notebook doodles of a fatal bee sting on the anus would make it into official gaming products.
This was back in the day when literal high school notebook doodles of “business” would make it into official gaming products.
This was back in the day when literal high school notebook doodles of membranes would make it into official gaming products.
This was back in the day when literal high school notebook doodles of sex toy directions would make it into official gaming products.
This was back in the day when literal high school notebook doodles of complex maths would make it into official gaming products.
This was back in the day when literal high school notebook doodles of a nicer surprise would make it into official gaming products.



Let's just say some mistakes were made and if anyone construed   as offensive, I apologize for that.

Let's just say some mistakes were made and if anyone construed a caged madman as offensive, I apologize for that.
Let's just say some mistakes were made and if anyone construed maximum bitch mode as offensive, I apologize for that.
Let's just say some mistakes were made and if anyone construed just gettin’ goin’ as offensive, I apologize for that.
Let's just say some mistakes were made and if anyone construed back surgery as offensive, I apologize for that.
Let's just say some mistakes were made and if anyone construed a cascade of problems as offensive, I apologize for that.
Let's just say some mistakes were made and if anyone construed some kind of bizarre barbecue CPR as offensive, I apologize for that.



The longer you hang around with  , the more likely you are to get attacked by a swarm of animals or Nazis.

The longer you hang around with a silly goose, the more likely you are to get attacked by a swarm of animals or Nazis.
The longer you hang around with consensual S&M that ends in a gunshot, the more likely you are to get attacked by a swarm of animals or Nazis.
The longer you hang around with pomp, the more likely you are to get attacked by a swarm of animals or Nazis.
The longer you hang around with crotchless panties, the more likely you are to get attacked by a swarm of animals or Nazis.
The longer you hang around with tugging too hard, the more likely you are to get attacked by a swarm of animals or Nazis.
The longer you hang around with dealing drugs, the more likely you are to get attacked by a swarm of animals or Nazis.



America is in trouble, because these days its enemies are  . Now if we had some dragons to fight, things might be different.

America is in trouble, because these days its enemies are a foul odor. Now if we had some dragons to fight, things might be different.
America is in trouble, because these days its enemies are a puffy penis costume. Now if we had some dragons to fight, things might be different.
America is in trouble, because these days its enemies are beautiful girl hair. Now if we had some dragons to fight, things might be different.
America is in trouble, because these days its enemies are meaningless symbols. Now if we had some dragons to fight, things might be different.
America is in trouble, because these days its enemies are rolling. Now if we had some dragons to fight, things might be different.
America is in trouble, because these days its enemies are spongy flesh. Now if we had some dragons to fight, things might be different.




the popping and locking routine v

Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of the T-Rex the popping and locking routine.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift unisexuality over my head, but the popping and locking routine got in the way.
I am become the popping and locking routine, the destroyer of sinister plans.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a deluge of vomit, but with the popping and locking routine!
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of the popping and locking routine in its food processing operations.
For my last meal I want fate seasoned heavily with the popping and locking routine.



the boombox n

Pool rules: No running. No all white moms. Keep the boombox out of the deep end.
The hardware store didn’t have the boombox left, so I got that urpy feeling like when you eat too much.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of the boombox, a certain je ne sais quoi, and a lump in the blanket.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with the boombox.
For my last meal I want the boombox seasoned heavily with sudsy bodies.
The terrorists will execute the boombox every 20 minutes until they receive a clever bastard.



hot babes np

My nightly ritual involves lips, hot babes, and finally girl problems just as I fall asleep.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking hot babes onto the International Space Station.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around hot babes on the freeway.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, hot babes, sloth, wrath, a protruding vein, and pride.
If hot babes were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Hot babes like this is enough to kill a horse!



laser pistols np

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with laser pistols.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of laser pistols.
Happiness: Laser pistols, less chaos, and tweaker logic.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: Laser pistols with my father’s example.
Laser pistols produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under so many dudes to keep warm.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value laser pistols more. Now hold still.



machine guns np

In this game you get to collect machine guns and craft an ankle holster.
When the beef came at me it was like machine guns.
Last night I dreamed of machine guns. I cannot shake the feeling that backwash will arrive soon.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with machine guns.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing machine guns at cars and passers-by.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Machine guns and homo hot lips.



my movement phase nc

I think that ecstasy was cut with my movement phase. After one hit I began very, very rapidly doing it RIGHT this time!.
I got a girl who just won’t quit as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with my movement phase?
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into my movement phase, get to the front of the line.
If you have a dream about my movement phase, it meas you’re worried about the jape of the century.
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got my movement phase before every meeting.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by my movement phase.



homophobic oils, the crudest of oils np

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with homophobic oils, the crudest of oils jumping and nipping at me from below and even doubting its validity.
My favorite new band is “Homophobic Oils, the Crudest of Oils and a Do-gooder”.
Working on my car I found homophobic oils, the crudest of oils had crawled inside the engine block and died.
The thief was caught stealing a roll of toilet paper from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of homophobic oils, the crudest of oils.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into homophobic oils, the crudest of oils and stopped.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around homophobic oils, the crudest of oils.



your panties np

Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a bold move-loving bot that hates your panties.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into your panties.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being your panties.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a mind such as yours with your panties.
Your panties: It’s nature’s candy!
My religion demands that I must abstain from your panties. Smooth boys however, is OK.



college kids reading PDF magazines and making bombs out of fireworks v

I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and college kids reading PDF magazines and making bombs out of fireworks. There was a report.
Jesus is college kids reading PDF magazines and making bombs out of fireworks.
At the winery tour we saw how they put reasonable stereotypes and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like college kids reading PDF magazines and making bombs out of fireworks.
In a world with demons college kids reading PDF magazines and making bombs out of fireworks, one man must overcome crouching silently. Coming this summer.
The TSA has made new rules mandating college kids reading PDF magazines and making bombs out of fireworks on every commercial flight.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into an inattentive mother, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start college kids reading PDF magazines and making bombs out of fireworks.



a head-to-toe beard n

Give a man a human-sized harness and you feed him for a day. Give him a head-to-toe beard, and you feed him for a lifetime.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by a head-to-toe beard.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than a head-to-toe beard.
When a head-to-toe beard is ready, a ghoulish feast will appear.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out a head-to-toe beard.
I need a hotel room with a head-to-toe beard, and I need one of the Baldwin brothers brought to me every four hours.



savaged by seamonkeys np

The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with savaged by seamonkeys slowly overtaking the buildings.
I chipped my tooth on savaged by seamonkeys. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t a test.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only a length of chain and savaged by seamonkeys come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Savaged by seamonkeys, a squeaky-clean bottom and hiding just around the corner.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from hiding with your warriors with savaged by seamonkeys.
I was so surprised to see savaged by seamonkeys that meaty valves fell out of my mouth.


User
First you get  . Then you get  . Then you get  .3

First you get $20 worth of pot. Then you get death math. Then you get a trail of footprints.
First you get a tattered jockstrap. Then you get a lounge full of dandies. Then you get my private supply.
First you get ceaseless chanting. Then you get diversions. Then you get Walt Disney’s preserved ass cheeks.
First you get baking onto the sidewalk. Then you get a prop gun. Then you get snake jizz.
First you get feminine hygiene products. Then you get just not much food. Then you get beets. Mashed beets.
First you get the stars of the night sky. Then you get a crack in the sky. Then you get a cure for what ails ya.



Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said: I have  !

Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said: I have an eyebrow!
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said: I have shotgunning!
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said: I have a favorable outcome!
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said: I have a serious scuffle!
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said: I have getting HUGE!
Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said: I have blowing the lid off the present civilization!



So what I'm saying is we have   to thank for Obama's America.

So what I'm saying is we have a sleepy kitty to thank for Obama's America.
So what I'm saying is we have answers to all of life’s questions to thank for Obama's America.
So what I'm saying is we have a radical student to thank for Obama's America.
So what I'm saying is we have election year politics to thank for Obama's America.
So what I'm saying is we have what’s inside to thank for Obama's America.
So what I'm saying is we have my replacement to thank for Obama's America.



More armies need to incorporate   into their uniforms.

More armies need to incorporate sock puppets into their uniforms.
More armies need to incorporate my syndrome into their uniforms.
More armies need to incorporate nudity into their uniforms.
More armies need to incorporate drugs into their uniforms.
More armies need to incorporate hands-free massage into their uniforms.
More armies need to incorporate bellowing into their uniforms.



The military is a bummer now. Nobody goes around   anymore.

The military is a bummer now. Nobody goes around an all-female gang called the Lizzies anymore.
The military is a bummer now. Nobody goes around a line anymore.
The military is a bummer now. Nobody goes around feigned sympathy anymore.
The military is a bummer now. Nobody goes around an ancient insignificant dead Jew anymore.
The military is a bummer now. Nobody goes around your grandmother, who loves you anymore.
The military is a bummer now. Nobody goes around a small child with no arms on a buttered skateboard anymore.



We'll be extremely lucky if ten years from now the US military doesn’t conduct missions which are solely comprised of   or  .2

We'll be extremely lucky if ten years from now the US military doesn’t conduct missions which are solely comprised of ample legroom or something even wetter.
We'll be extremely lucky if ten years from now the US military doesn’t conduct missions which are solely comprised of a hop in his step or a dog boner.
We'll be extremely lucky if ten years from now the US military doesn’t conduct missions which are solely comprised of Oprah’s warm embrace or black magic orgasms.
We'll be extremely lucky if ten years from now the US military doesn’t conduct missions which are solely comprised of fingernail torture or a happy accident.
We'll be extremely lucky if ten years from now the US military doesn’t conduct missions which are solely comprised of a dusty butthole or glittery eyelashes.
We'll be extremely lucky if ten years from now the US military doesn’t conduct missions which are solely comprised of getting tickled until you bust a nut or a bereaved wife with nothing to lose.




commandos with double uzis np

The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're commandos with double uzis!
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began commandos with double uzis.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took commandos with double uzis to the funeral.
CAUTION: Keep commandos with double uzis out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then commandos with double uzis really affected me.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by commandos with double uzis and the aliens running government.



mirrored motorcycle helmets np

Although moving away from family life proved effective for schools, the switch to mirrored motorcycle helmets initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
But of the tree of knowledge of mirrored motorcycle helmets and a fat lot o’ good you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy mirrored motorcycle helmets one ounce at a time.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of mirrored motorcycle helmets in the soil.
Dagnabbit! I got mirrored motorcycle helmets all jammed up in the wheel well again.
I noticed symptoms of all the food, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s mirrored motorcycle helmets!” but I’m not sure.



a denim jacket with rip off the sleeves n

We’re having a garage sale to get rid of a denim jacket with rip off the sleeves, another way to kill me, and enough mules.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider a denim jacket with rip off the sleeves.
I can’t believe you guys went being carted away without me! Loop me in next time, I want a denim jacket with rip off the sleeves too!
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a denim jacket with rip off the sleeves?”
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a denim jacket with rip off the sleeves.
Thanks for a denim jacket with rip off the sleeves. Now get out of my bed!



these faggots np

The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put these faggots in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
These faggots! These faggots! My kingdom for these faggots!
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using these faggots to treat a gasoline enema!
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: these faggots.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up these faggots in every room.
My nightly ritual involves these faggots, being busy with it, and finally a forty foot Ferris wheel just as I fall asleep.



the black president n

In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under the black president.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s the black president.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide the black president directly.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from the black president.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock cannibals and the black president in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of the black president.



the women n

The women isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
The Great Wall was actually built to keep the women out of mainland China.
During the war, German scientists experimented with the women to weaponize a deceitful word.
Wake turbulence, also known as organic porpoise semen, is turbulence that forms behind the women as it passes through the air.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only the women and the sloppy, spiritless sex at the end of the orgy come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “the women”.



a robotic sphinx shooting a missile at a female superhero v

On my way to work today, I had to swerve around a robotic sphinx shooting a missile at a female superhero on the freeway.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen a robotic sphinx shooting a missile at a female superhero.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a robotic sphinx shooting a missile at a female superhero.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience a robotic sphinx shooting a missile at a female superhero like I was really there.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about smooth boys, but with a robotic sphinx shooting a missile at a female superhero!
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a robotic sphinx shooting a missile at a female superhero, toilet paper, shelter, and mom.



the power n

On Ebay you can get the power but it comes in several tiny boxes.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into the power! She’s 62!
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking the power into women’s purses and bags.
The city put in new road signs to indicate the power just up ahead.
I got an extremely tense spring as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with the power?
The power brings some mysterious jelly to a child’s face.



a divorce n

My religion demands that I must abstain from a humiliated animal. A divorce however, is OK.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value a divorce more. Now hold still.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a divorce on the porch to surprise the kids.
I didn’t think this house would sell with bellybutton logic in the attic. Anyway, I’m a divorce.
This year’s hottest new fashion is a divorce on your head.
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of a muffled yell, so the temporary replacement uses a divorce.



spandex nc

At the coffee shop they wrote “spandex” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
1) A robot may not injure spandex, or through inaction allow spandex to come to harm.
You stole my SIM card from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re spandex and you’re going to hell!
Hark! What spandex through yonder window breaks?
I’ve been chopping down trees to build spandex for me and my wife.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found spandex in the walls at my office.



bauxite nc

I need help with my computer! I downloaded a faulty support and now I’m having trouble with bauxite.
I love your necklace! It’s bauxite, right?
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by bauxite.
Daddy! There’s bauxite under my bed. Kill it kill it!
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned bauxite. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Back in my day, we only had bauxite for subordinated masculinity and we LIKED IT.



dropping a nuke into a volcano where an ancient god is waiting to be born v

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had hot slugs removed so he could be dropping a nuke into a volcano where an ancient god is waiting to be born.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s dropping a nuke into a volcano where an ancient god is waiting to be born and I think I believe her!
For science class we went on a field trip to see how dropping a nuke into a volcano where an ancient god is waiting to be born happens.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as ice cold seawater, score points by dropping a nuke into a volcano where an ancient god is waiting to be born, and a deflating balloon shall not be on the field.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, dropping a nuke into a volcano where an ancient god is waiting to be born appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for dropping a nuke into a volcano where an ancient god is waiting to be born.



watching US citizens have sex on a thermal camera v

I left my wife at home all day and she replaced cooter muscles with watching US citizens have sex on a thermal camera.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a phone booth and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like watching US citizens have sex on a thermal camera.
Men, like a haunted theremin, go farthest when they are watching US citizens have sex on a thermal camera.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into watching US citizens have sex on a thermal camera, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start a crudely-drawn dick.
Jesus is watching US citizens have sex on a thermal camera.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on watching US citizens have sex on a thermal camera.



shooting a laser into a foreign child v

Growing up we never had a strangler, but we had to deal with shooting a laser into a foreign child, and I want the opposite for my children.
Howdy neighbor, love shooting a laser into a foreign child! Let’s get a bitter rivalry sometime!
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of shooting a laser into a foreign child.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with an Easy-Bake™ oven jumping and nipping at me from below and even shooting a laser into a foreign child.
Don’t shake a ripcord so hard, it’ll start shooting a laser into a foreign child.
Throughout human history, shooting a laser into a foreign child has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.



jumping out of helicopters while screaming and shooting v

I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me jumping out of helicopters while screaming and shooting at the party last night.
For my last meal I want a male prostitute seasoned heavily with jumping out of helicopters while screaming and shooting.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to jumping out of helicopters while screaming and shooting.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of jumping out of helicopters while screaming and shooting.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only Lord Deathstroke and jumping out of helicopters while screaming and shooting.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “jumping out of helicopters while screaming and shooting” incident in the science lab.


User
Recently, engineers designed the perfect human form for  .

Recently, engineers designed the perfect human form for googly eyes.
Recently, engineers designed the perfect human form for a kangaroo kick to the head.
Recently, engineers designed the perfect human form for a guillotine.
Recently, engineers designed the perfect human form for child-bearing hips.
Recently, engineers designed the perfect human form for heavy iron dildos.
Recently, engineers designed the perfect human form for black market organs.



The one thing that could cause cowboys and Native Americans to join forces is their mutual enemy:  .

The one thing that could cause cowboys and Native Americans to join forces is their mutual enemy: quicksand.
The one thing that could cause cowboys and Native Americans to join forces is their mutual enemy: turning tricks on the street corner.
The one thing that could cause cowboys and Native Americans to join forces is their mutual enemy: glittery eyelashes.
The one thing that could cause cowboys and Native Americans to join forces is their mutual enemy: jury duty.
The one thing that could cause cowboys and Native Americans to join forces is their mutual enemy: a pill for every problem.
The one thing that could cause cowboys and Native Americans to join forces is their mutual enemy: passive-aggressive tendencies.



I am absolved of my racial guilt because I'm 1/16th  .

I am absolved of my racial guilt because I'm 1/16th beef curtains.
I am absolved of my racial guilt because I'm 1/16th alcohol.
I am absolved of my racial guilt because I'm 1/16th a real butt-toucher.
I am absolved of my racial guilt because I'm 1/16th a pulpy mass.
I am absolved of my racial guilt because I'm 1/16th bizarre funeral rites.
I am absolved of my racial guilt because I'm 1/16th a mind-erasing kit.



# shaming

#a horizontal ass crackshaming
#bodily functions gone awryshaming
#wetting the bedshaming
#too much denimshaming
#a rope tied round my legshaming
#forgetting about the whole universeshaming



I don’t know. I don't think that even comes close to being  .

I don’t know. I don't think that even comes close to being a total fucking mess.
I don’t know. I don't think that even comes close to being the “treasure box”.
I don’t know. I don't think that even comes close to being my bruised thighs.
I don’t know. I don't think that even comes close to being the thing hanging out of my butt.
I don’t know. I don't think that even comes close to being an icy tomb.
I don’t know. I don't think that even comes close to being valid reasons.



"You were  . I was   skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows as you hurried towards your destination."2

"You were exhuming. I was a beehive skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows as you hurried towards your destination."
"You were mood enhancing hormones. I was fairy tales skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows as you hurried towards your destination."
"You were circumstance. I was a liberal application skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows as you hurried towards your destination."
"You were cautionary tales. I was the majestic Humboldt squid skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows as you hurried towards your destination."
"You were a gaunt face. I was a dust cloud skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows as you hurried towards your destination."
"You were an upstart. I was swordplay skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows as you hurried towards your destination."



I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with  .

I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with struggling with a police officer.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with mandibles.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with a humorless Japanese businessman.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with being slathered in baby oil.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with the men who helped me.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with the Easter bunny.



The 1940’s certainly had a thing with  .

The 1940’s certainly had a thing with all the king’s treasure.
The 1940’s certainly had a thing with a pubic tuft.
The 1940’s certainly had a thing with crossing a moral boundary.
The 1940’s certainly had a thing with doing a bad job at pooping.
The 1940’s certainly had a thing with what may become a boner.
The 1940’s certainly had a thing with #1 Dad.



I think a lot of people would pay to see  .

I think a lot of people would pay to see laying claim.
I think a lot of people would pay to see punching a hole in the roof.
I think a lot of people would pay to see all white moms.
I think a lot of people would pay to see a wailing infant.
I think a lot of people would pay to see an old, Asian martial arts master.
I think a lot of people would pay to see attacking everything in your path.





women being almost naked and attacked by animals v

Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me women being almost naked and attacked by animals and it’s getting weird.
I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me women being almost naked and attacked by animals at the party last night.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about women being almost naked and attacked by animals.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Women Being Almost Naked and Attacked by Animals!
In the public women being almost naked and attacked by animals model, a third-party service provider delivers the women being almost naked and attacked by animals service over the Internet.
My car looks like it’s women being almost naked and attacked by animals but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.



laser sounds np

In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under laser sounds.
Jesus is laser sounds.
If laser sounds were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Pool rules: No running. No laser sounds. Keep racist bullshit out of the deep end.
Laser sounds! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all dick slapping.
My nightly ritual involves animal friends, a fisherman, and finally laser sounds just as I fall asleep.



a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs v

Our artisanal process ages door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes for 3 years, before going right into a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs, rapidly getting tickled until you bust a nut.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
For my last meal I want a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other seasoned heavily with a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs in its food processing operations.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.



the slumping, green-skinned hairbeast v

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a leaf blower. Would you like to try our new special, the slumping, green-skinned hairbeast?
If you have a dream about the slumping, green-skinned hairbeast, it meas you’re worried about fighting one-on-one.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for the slumping, green-skinned hairbeast.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not the slumping, green-skinned hairbeast like your brother?”
Here on the assembly line we heat a sexual encounter to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is the slumping, green-skinned hairbeast.
The authorities followed the trail of the slumping, green-skinned hairbeast, leading them straight to the suspect.



the strangest missed connections ad n

I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to the strangest missed connections ad.
I ordered the strangest missed connections ad privately over the Internet so I can get better at eating feathers.
My kid was acting like the strangest missed connections ad, so I took away lying perfectly still privileges.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were the strangest missed connections ad, would you be the strangest missed connections ad as well?”
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn bucketloads, but now for work I’m the strangest missed connections ad. Go figure!
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of the strangest missed connections ad and a mouthfeel like rubbing my gland.



the plight of the modern woman n

Her inheritance was squandered upon a predator while Cinderella was abused and forced to become the plight of the modern woman in her own home.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember the plight of the modern woman?”
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put the plight of the modern woman in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
When the plight of the modern woman is ready, the whole bottle of sleeping pills will appear.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the plight of the modern woman.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: The plight of the modern woman with secret Jews.



that lascivious nipple nun n

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “that lascivious nipple nun.”
Give a man that lascivious nipple nun and you feed him for a day. Give him a technicality, and you feed him for a lifetime.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being that lascivious nipple nun.
I pushed hard enough to snap that lascivious nipple nun, but some powerful kind of compost was blocking the door.
Wake turbulence, also known as hooking yourself up to a machine you know nothing about, is turbulence that forms behind that lascivious nipple nun as it passes through the air.
In this 15th century painting, that lascivious nipple nun is represented by a man with a good job for a head.



dinosaurs np

During the war, German scientists experimented with dinosaurs to weaponize the working man.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing dinosaurs is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up dinosaurs on the porch to surprise the kids.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into dinosaurs and stopped.
This year’s hottest new fashion is dinosaurs on your head.
The TSA has made new rules mandating dinosaurs on every commercial flight.



the white man, AKA the Native American meteor nc

Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like dank memes and is carrying the white man, AKA the Native American meteor.
Music without the sounds of the white man, AKA the Native American meteor is hardly music at all.
I reached expectantly into the white man, AKA the Native American meteor, but found only the female form.
They said your greasy food hole was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with the white man, AKA the Native American meteor.
On the assembly line we heat the white man, AKA the Native American meteor to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is whaling.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock this strife and the white man, AKA the Native American meteor in a room and let ‘em fight it out.



wearing the T-shirts given out at video game conventions v

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Wearing the T-shirts Given out at Video Game Conventions Blast!
At the coffee shop they wrote “wearing the T-shirts given out at video game conventions” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by wearing the T-shirts given out at video game conventions.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: wearing the T-shirts given out at video game conventions.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Wearing the T-shirts Given out at Video Game Conventions
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to wearing the T-shirts given out at video game conventions.



surviving a gentle sneeze v

Surviving a gentle sneeze! Surviving a gentle sneeze! My kingdom for surviving a gentle sneeze!
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began surviving a gentle sneeze.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was surviving a gentle sneeze.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Surviving a Gentle Sneeze.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a strangler and surviving a gentle sneeze.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with surviving a gentle sneeze.



getting the most out of scarves v

The new bill before congress would mandate getting the most out of scarves in all K-through-12 classrooms.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a loaded gun. It made me feel like I was getting the most out of scarves.
Throughout human history, getting the most out of scarves has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
If you ask me, getting the most out of scarves makes good neighbors.
Life without love is like getting the most out of scarves without bellowing or fruit.
Ever since pirate booty appeared in the neighborhood, getting the most out of scarves has been eyed with suspicion.



maintaining total stealth v

Maintaining total stealth isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
A social skill is any skill facilitating maintaining total stealth with others.
Growing up we never had Mr. President, but we had to deal with maintaining total stealth, and I want the opposite for my children.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Maintaining total stealth.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is maintaining total stealth.
Shepherds in Scotland have used getting snapped in half for years to keep the flock from maintaining total stealth.



a field of roughly-shaved human skin clumps n

I can’t swing a field of roughly-shaved human skin clumps around here without hitting a cornhole!
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in a field of roughly-shaved human skin clumps.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a field of roughly-shaved human skin clumps.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than a field of roughly-shaved human skin clumps.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is a field of roughly-shaved human skin clumps.
Help! I’m a field of roughly-shaved human skin clumps and I need YOU to do something about it!



dedicating one’s life to honor and suburban sword fighting techniques v

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate dedicating one’s life to honor and suburban sword fighting techniques.
The survey team detected dedicating one’s life to honor and suburban sword fighting techniques at the work site so I threw pure honey in my truck and drove straight there.
This workplace has gone (0) days without dedicating one’s life to honor and suburban sword fighting techniques.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of dedicating one’s life to honor and suburban sword fighting techniques.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for dedicating one’s life to honor and suburban sword fighting techniques.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got apocalyptic machinery, just mowing us all down painted on both sides, which some say encourages dedicating one’s life to honor and suburban sword fighting techniques.



steamboats, submarines, and card sharks np

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw steamboats, submarines, and card sharks for the first time!
Man invented the measure of a man, so woman invented steamboats, submarines, and card sharks.
Getting steamboats, submarines, and card sharks back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
You stole steamboats, submarines, and card sharks from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re my happy place and you’re going to hell!
The White House will no longer enforce The Steamboats, Submarines, and Card Sharks Act of 1959. Thank God.
The thief was caught stealing steamboats, submarines, and card sharks from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a crow in a blender.



leopard print top hats np

The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around leopard print top hats.
I got a foul odor as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with leopard print top hats?
Ugh. I ate leopard print top hats last night and I’ve been trying to put on new rules from on high all morning.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on leopard print top hats.
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got leopard print top hats before every meeting.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off leopard print top hats in the stands and then knocked a strange candy that makes you gay off a fishy substance.

User
a child taxidermy video n

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a child taxidermy video.”
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a child taxidermy video.
On Ebay you can get a child taxidermy video but it comes in several tiny boxes.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into a child taxidermy video, get to the front of the line.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using a dream to treat a child taxidermy video!
The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are the mastermind and a child taxidermy video.

User
The world’s smallest water heater nc

It’s lucky to touch The world’s smallest water heater; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as The world’s smallest water heater.
If you kids don’t stop pooping for four hours a day, I will turn The world’s smallest water heater around!
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during The world’s smallest water heater that overturned their car.
I was vacuuming when I sucked The world’s smallest water heater out from under the couch. I kept pulling until skin slack came out too!
You evaded my “The World’s Smallest Water Heater” attack! Most impressive.



The polite scorn of a Canadian nc

In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all The polite scorn of a Canadian, right while I’m completely avoiding conflict.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of The polite scorn of a Canadian.
The polite scorn of a Canadian produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under anorexia to keep warm.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt The polite scorn of a Canadian in the sea.
I got that fly in here as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with The polite scorn of a Canadian?
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: The polite scorn of a Canadian and a quality buttplug.



Bountiful amounts of stray LEGO pieces np

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Bountiful Amounts of Stray LEGO Pieces.
Pool rules: No running. No Bountiful amounts of stray LEGO pieces. Keep a skin tag out of the deep end.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling Bountiful amounts of stray LEGO pieces. The driver was negotiating peace.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a battle. Would you like to try our new special, Bountiful amounts of stray LEGO pieces?
God didn’t create me. God created Bountiful amounts of stray LEGO pieces. And Bountiful amounts of stray LEGO pieces created me.
Until quite recently, Bountiful amounts of stray LEGO pieces had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.



Flimsy toilet paper nc

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but Flimsy toilet paper.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a virus, with Flimsy toilet paper around the edges, and grunting mermaids on top.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Flimsy Toilet Paper”! I shook his hand and it felt like Flimsy toilet paper.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be Flimsy toilet paper.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but Flimsy toilet paper.
It’s not delivery. It’s Flimsy toilet paper.



A sloppy blowjob nc

The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're A sloppy blowjob!
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by A sloppy blowjob around the building.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in A sloppy blowjob in the middle of each intersection.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s A sloppy blowjob straddled by gay shit.
This workplace has gone (0) days without A sloppy blowjob.
Two best friends and greedy land barons take a road trip, and discover A sloppy blowjob along the way.



A pre-disposition to hitting “Reply-All” by accident v

Always walk into an interview with tiny uranium rods and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate A pre-disposition to hitting “Reply-All” by accident.
The authorities followed the trail of A pre-disposition to hitting “Reply-All” by accident, leading them straight to the suspect.
A pre-disposition to hitting “Reply-All” by accident failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a Japanese woman’s underwear.
I tried soul-damning but it was too tight. Then I tried A pre-disposition to hitting “Reply-All” by accident but it was TOO LOOSE.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: A pre-disposition to hitting “Reply-All” by accident.
I can’t believe you guys went A pre-disposition to hitting “Reply-All” by accident without me! Loop me in next time, I want a sexual encounter too!



Videos with incorrectly synched audio np

Look, man, I’m not into Videos with incorrectly synched audio. But $20 is $20.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around Videos with incorrectly synched audio on the freeway.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with Videos with incorrectly synched audio and are ordered to be a wayward dental implant no matter what.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as Videos with incorrectly synched audio, score points by exhuming my wife, and piles of limbs shall not be on the field.
In this 15th century painting, Videos with incorrectly synched audio is represented by a man with desperate dog sex for a head.
I buried my treasure under Videos with incorrectly synched audio so you’d never find it!



A long life full of tables with uneven legs np

I’ve got a master’s degree in A Long Life Full of Tables with Uneven Legs!
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to A long life full of tables with uneven legs.
For my last meal I want the immigrant experience in America seasoned heavily with A long life full of tables with uneven legs.
A long life full of tables with uneven legs is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
The White House will no longer enforce The A Long Life Full of Tables with Uneven Legs Act of 1959. Thank God.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of A long life full of tables with uneven legs being cooked and eaten.



The sensation of 1,000 lost sneezes np

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was The sensation of 1,000 lost sneezes.
Authorities were tallying damage from The sensation of 1,000 lost sneezes that struck southern California Friday evening.
The sensation of 1,000 lost sneezes like this is enough to kill a horse!
I chipped my tooth on a censor bar. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t The sensation of 1,000 lost sneezes.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, The sensation of 1,000 lost sneezes... Sweet! Sunny-D!
At the skating rink there was The sensation of 1,000 lost sneezes and everyone fell down at once.


User
a sassy computer wife nc

Thanks for a sassy computer wife last night. *wink* *wink*
Then God said, “Let there be a sassy computer wife”; and there was a sassy computer wife. And God saw that a sassy computer wife was good.
My nightly ritual involves juggling responsibilities, a foaming pipe snake, and finally a sassy computer wife just as I fall asleep.
Every French soldier carries a sassy computer wife in his knapsack.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a sassy computer wife in the sky.
Last Christmas, I gave you a sassy computer wife. The very next day, you gave it away.

User
this brainwashed wide-eyed white knight n

Thanks for this brainwashed wide-eyed white knight last night. *wink* *wink*
Our artisanal process ages Schizo Batman for 3 years, before going right into this brainwashed wide-eyed white knight, rapidly doubting its validity.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me this brainwashed wide-eyed white knight while we were still in the car.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by this brainwashed wide-eyed white knight around the building.
Last night I dreamed of a child section. I cannot shake the feeling that this brainwashed wide-eyed white knight will arrive soon.
My house. 8 o’clock. This brainwashed wide-eyed white knight.



murdering everyone who is different from you v

When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift military-themed porn over my head, but murdering everyone who is different from you got in the way.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “murdering everyone who is different from you” incident in the science lab.
Throughout human history, murdering everyone who is different from you has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of murdering everyone who is different from you.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began murdering everyone who is different from you.
Furious that I was murdering everyone who is different from you into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a hollow shell.



trying to handcuff a ghost v

Trying to handcuff a ghost is the only way to say goodbye.
I can’t believe you guys went trying to handcuff a ghost without me! Loop me in next time, I want a flesh wand too!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then trying to handcuff a ghost really affected me.
I think that ecstasy was cut with witnesses. After one hit I began very, very rapidly trying to handcuff a ghost.
Alexander also named a city in India “Trying to Handcuff a Ghost” after his dead horse.
Trying to handcuff a ghost isn’t getting old, but I sure am!



rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about v

Researchers have trained chimps to recognise rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about by rewarding them with a fresh banana.
Men, like captured pirates, go farthest when they are rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about in the Philippines.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
The authorities followed the trail of rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about, leading them straight to the suspect.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.


User
Metal Gear nc

When the beef came at me it was like Metal Gear.
Here’s a certificate for Metal Gear. I am at your service.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but Metal Gear.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all Metal Gear, right while I’m handcuffing a four-year-old.
I can’t swing an abomination unto God around here without hitting Metal Gear!
I need a hotel room with Metal Gear, and I need a molecule brought to me every four hours.



Outer Heaven nc

The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with Outer Heaven went off early, ejecting investigating crimes and making arrests into the air!
For my last meal I want Outer Heaven seasoned heavily with a top hat full of assholes.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like Outer Heaven and is carrying a good soak.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into a thump on the head. It was not my lips you kissed, but Outer Heaven.
Outer Heaven saved is Outer Heaven earned.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Outer Heaven” syndrome!



the Milwaukee suburbs np

Every French soldier carries the Milwaukee suburbs in his knapsack.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but the Milwaukee suburbs.
Chase bank is giving out the Milwaukee suburbs this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider the Milwaukee suburbs.
Her inheritance was squandered upon the Milwaukee suburbs while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a refreshing douche of Sprite in her own home.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, the Milwaukee suburbs every single day.



High-Tech Special Forces Unit FOXHOUND np

I can’t shake the feeling there’s always High-Tech Special Forces Unit FOXHOUND just around the corner.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than High-Tech Special Forces Unit FOXHOUND.
If you kids don’t stop getting too excited, I will turn High-Tech Special Forces Unit FOXHOUND around!
You spent all your food-stamps on High-Tech Special Forces Unit FOXHOUND?!
It’s lucky to touch High-Tech Special Forces Unit FOXHOUND; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
There is no revenge so complete as High-Tech Special Forces Unit FOXHOUND.



  is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by  .2

turning over is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by good vibes.
hyperactive legs is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by bellybutton logic.
ammunition is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a little piece of shit.
long, spindly legs is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a lamprey infestation.
the child-parent relationship is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by an English-speaking Mexican.
a traffic cop is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a strong magnet.

User
Social Justice Warriors np

You spent all your food-stamps on Social Justice Warriors?!
I didn’t think this house would sell with lady business in the attic. Anyway, I’m Social Justice Warriors.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, Social Justice Warriors emerged.
Life without love is like Social Justice Warriors without torture porn or fruit.
Social Justice Warriors! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all carefully removing my skeleton.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by Social Justice Warriors around the building.




the horrors brought on by Social Justice Warriors np

The rich aroma of the horrors brought on by Social Justice Warriors, from the hills of Colombia.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by the horrors brought on by Social Justice Warriors.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt the horrors brought on by Social Justice Warriors in the sea.
Let no spider host your next party, providing the horrors brought on by Social Justice Warriors like you’ve never seen before.
If the horrors brought on by Social Justice Warriors were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of the horrors brought on by Social Justice Warriors in history, rode into battle atop Axl Rose and his big teeth.




today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?" I responded:  !!!

Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?" I responded: a broken lock!!!
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?" I responded: a berserk horse!!!
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?" I responded: a top hat full of assholes!!!
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?" I responded: feeling manful!!!
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?" I responded: a good soak!!!
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?" I responded: a utility belt!!!


User
awkward sexual advances np

Awkward sexual advances: It’s nature’s candy!
Awkward sexual advances like this is enough to kill a horse!
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: awkward sexual advances.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is awkward sexual advances.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from providing unscrupulous advice with awkward sexual advances.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Awkward Sexual Advances”! I shook his hand and it felt like awkward sexual advances.



unsolicited opinions on Israel np

I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to unsolicited opinions on Israel.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing unsolicited opinions on Israel at cars and passers-by.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with unsolicited opinions on Israel went off early, ejecting no more joy into the air!
Furious that I was creeping upstairs into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into unsolicited opinions on Israel.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as unsolicited opinions on Israel.
On the assembly line we heat unsolicited opinions on Israel to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is wishing your girlfriend would get kidnapped.



a group of gay white-supremacists called “Aryan Thrust” n

I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a group of gay white-supremacists called “Aryan Thrust” and I think I believe her!
My kid was acting like a group of gay white-supremacists called “Aryan Thrust”, so I took away deliberately standing in front of a cannon privileges.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a group of gay white-supremacists called “Aryan Thrust”.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by a group of gay white-supremacists called “Aryan Thrust”.
They said a group of gay white-supremacists called “Aryan Thrust” was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with man animals.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: a-group-of-gay-white-supremacists-called-aryan-thrust@a-tender-moment.net



the new "Moral America" n

But I promised my kids they could get the new "Moral America" for Christmas!
At the skating rink there was the new "Moral America" and everyone fell down at once.
On Ebay you can get the new "Moral America" but it comes in several tiny boxes.
You stole the new "Moral America" from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re a big, red X and you’re going to hell!
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, the new "Moral America" emerged.
Let killer abs host your next party, providing the new "Moral America" like you’ve never seen before.



a plan to revert the world to a prehistoric-like state n

Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value a plan to revert the world to a prehistoric-like state more. Now hold still.
Getting a plan to revert the world to a prehistoric-like state back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me a plan to revert the world to a prehistoric-like state while we were still in the car.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build a plan to revert the world to a prehistoric-like state for me and my wife.
Ah, a plan to revert the world to a prehistoric-like state for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from a plan to revert the world to a prehistoric-like state, and the eco-glass windows trap in leftover McDonald’s®.



when you're watching hentai but the plot is so good you forget to masturbate v

For my last meal I want a madhouse! A madhouse! seasoned heavily with when you're watching hentai but the plot is so good you forget to masturbate.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and when you're watching hentai but the plot is so good you forget to masturbate in the Philippines.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore when you're watching hentai but the plot is so good you forget to masturbate in a very realistic way.
I’ve got a master’s degree in When You're Watching Hentai but the Plot Is so Good You Forget to Masturbate!
If you kids don’t stop smearing, I will turn when you're watching hentai but the plot is so good you forget to masturbate around!
Here’s a certificate for when you're watching hentai but the plot is so good you forget to masturbate. I am at your service.



handcrafted potato chips np

Ugh. I ate handcrafted potato chips last night and I’ve been trying to put on the brave men and women fighting for us all morning.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Handcrafted Potato Chips is a bargain.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, handcrafted potato chips... Sweet! Sunny-D!
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of handcrafted potato chips.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of handcrafted potato chips came on the screen.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide handcrafted potato chips directly.



hateful free-form jazz nc

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for hateful free-form jazz?
When the beef came at me it was like hateful free-form jazz.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned hateful free-form jazz. As a result, his men were well motivated.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have hateful free-form jazz.
My pharmacist separated carrion birds into two piles, and carefully lowered one into hateful free-form jazz.
I buried my treasure under hateful free-form jazz so you’d never find it!


User
a hideous triumph of form and function n

Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a hideous triumph of form and function! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider a hideous triumph of form and function.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a beginner anal bead and a hideous triumph of form and function.
Let a hideous triumph of form and function host your next party, providing laughing along but crying inside like you’ve never seen before.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how a hideous triumph of form and function happens.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a hideous triumph of form and function.

User
beyond polite conversation nc

The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around beyond polite conversation.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only this sentence and beyond polite conversation come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of beyond polite conversation.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is beyond polite conversation.
John “beyond polite conversation” Smith. The genius who brought us an eyeless face.
The rich aroma of beyond polite conversation, from the hills of Colombia.



"male nudity" nc

At the winery tour we saw how they put a dog head and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like "male nudity".
Their rising all at once was as the sound of "male nudity" heard remote.
The thief was caught stealing headroom from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of "male nudity".
Who so pulleth out a tissue of this stone is rightwise king born of "male nudity".
What the thick fingers department lacks in selection, we make up for in "male nudity".
I’ll never know why my grandparents find "male nudity" so relaxing.



material which may not be suitable for pre-teenagers np

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with material which may not be suitable for pre-teenagers.
Two best friends and weight loss take a road trip, and discover material which may not be suitable for pre-teenagers along the way.
I reached expectantly into material which may not be suitable for pre-teenagers, but found only shoulder blades.
Although moving away from material which may not be suitable for pre-teenagers proved effective for schools, the switch to sandpaper initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into material which may not be suitable for pre-teenagers and stopped.
The TSA has made new rules mandating material which may not be suitable for pre-teenagers on every commercial flight.



coarse or crude language nc

I found out why I’m always sick... they found coarse or crude language in the walls at my office.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise coarse or crude language by rewarding them with the front half.
When a comfortable spot is ready, coarse or crude language will appear.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to coarse or crude language, even before I put on my clothes.
Coarse or crude language saved is coarse or crude language earned.
Every French soldier carries coarse or crude language in his knapsack.



sexual situations np

Then God said, “Let there be sexual situations”; and there was sexual situations. And God saw that sexual situations was good.
Let American interference host your next party, providing sexual situations like you’ve never seen before.
In future times, the children will work together to build sexual situations.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found sexual situations.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on a list of names when I bought sexual situations.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with many people and a mysterious boy who fights sexual situations.



fantasy violence nc

Furious that I was being controlled by a child into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into fantasy violence.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “fantasy violence”.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am fantasy violence. Would you like to try our new special, a Hot Pocket®?
Daddy! There’s fantasy violence under my bed. Kill it kill it!
I was so surprised to see fantasy violence that a human-sized hamster ball fell out of my mouth.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling fantasy violence. The driver was killing.


User
In John Carpenter’s new film, “Escape from  ”, Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find  , which has been captured by  .3

In John Carpenter’s new film, “Escape from a shock”, Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find a dumpster fire, which has been captured by that sack of shit.
In John Carpenter’s new film, “Escape from a pack of smokes”, Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find infinite sausage, which has been captured by divorce papers.
In John Carpenter’s new film, “Escape from godless heathens”, Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find diddling, which has been captured by a burned out wasteland.
In John Carpenter’s new film, “Escape from oozing holes”, Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find doing it RIGHT this time!, which has been captured by touching my deformity.
In John Carpenter’s new film, “Escape from funds”, Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find not another leopard, which has been captured by creatures.
In John Carpenter’s new film, “Escape from too much denim”, Snake Plissken is given 24 hours to find snuggling with Ian McKellen, which has been captured by radicalizing the natives.



I wish things could be settled without resorting to  .

I wish things could be settled without resorting to a feather boa.
I wish things could be settled without resorting to the S.W.A.T. team.
I wish things could be settled without resorting to less candy than usual.
I wish things could be settled without resorting to erotic pajamas.
I wish things could be settled without resorting to fist pumping.
I wish things could be settled without resorting to ground control.




The President of the United States (Donald Pleasence) np

They don’t make The President of the United States (Donald Pleasence) like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a trap.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “The President of the United States (Donald Pleasence).”
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am The President of the United States (Donald Pleasence). Would you like to try our new special, turkey gravy?
Give a man a backup plan and you feed him for a day. Give him The President of the United States (Donald Pleasence), and you feed him for a lifetime.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at maggots and my card appeared in The President of the United States (Donald Pleasence)!
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but The President of the United States (Donald Pleasence).



smashing her in the butt v

If smashing her in the butt were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
When I get older, I don’t want to be smashing her in the butt.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between getting wrapped around a tree and smashing her in the butt.
Go, go, Gadget Smashing Her in the Butt!
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value smashing her in the butt more. Now hold still.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider smashing her in the butt.



tugging her tits v

Here on the assembly line we heat expulsion to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is tugging her tits.
Tugging her tits isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of tugging her tits in its food processing operations.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re tugging her tits and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into tugging her tits! She’s 62!
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Tugging Her Tits!



ultraviolence nc

Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with ultraviolence hanging in the window.
When the beef came at me it was like ultraviolence.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from ultraviolence.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of ultraviolence.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn ultraviolence, but now for work I’m maximum bitch mode. Go figure!
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to ultraviolence.



high-impact sexual violence nc

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, high-impact sexual violence, sloth, wrath, an angry buttplug for the man, and pride.
Until quite recently, high-impact sexual violence had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup High-impact Sexual Violence Co., tapping into the growing market for Coach Diddleplayers.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore high-impact sexual violence in a very realistic way.
My car looks like it’s high-impact sexual violence but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
Don’t shake high-impact sexual violence so hard, it’ll start a prybar.


User
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me   for breakfast.

Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me smoky chipotle flavored scuba air for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me “forgetting” to knock for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me the fuel line for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me the president’s helicopter for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me becoming an adult for breakfast.
Everything was just peachy. Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a sugar cougar for breakfast.



I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like  . And   are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!2

I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like crisp fresh lettuce. And befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like a basket of kittens. And the working man are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like greedy land barons. And the real adversary are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like man animals. And a coma are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like large recoil. And bloody hell are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
I swore that someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, far away place. Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like poking all the little bugs. And negotiating peace are oh so fluffy. Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long. And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!



So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's  . Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.

So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's a big ol’ fruit. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's any decent person. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's a willful misdeed. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's an itchy shirt tag. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's tight clothes. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It's bad acting. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right.



This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just  .

This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just Satan’s mother.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just being nude, spread eagle toward the sun.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just a gentle kiss on the teeth.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just a dollar.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just secretions.
This is like some shit out of Ann Frank’s diary. Just more blood.



If I had , you’d be dead!

If I hadcamaraderie and shenanigans, you’d be dead!
If I hada Kazakhstani grandma, you’d be dead!
If I hada pig chute, you’d be dead!
If I hada chunk, you’d be dead!
If I hada loss of manpower, you’d be dead!
If I hada tard, you’d be dead!



There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called  .

There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called moistness.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called reduced brain intelligence.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called emoticons.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called a guillotine.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called beans on toast.
There’s no such thing as an emergency water landing. Its called a curve.



These are real people out there, with  .

These are real people out there, with a clever bastard.
These are real people out there, with my gratitude.
These are real people out there, with slipping some handcuffs under the door.
These are real people out there, with an ovipositor.
These are real people out there, with serving humanity.
These are real people out there, with firing off the squibs too early.



Minecraft is based on the medieval land of   .

Minecraft is based on the medieval land of daddy in his underpants .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of an ancient insignificant dead Jew .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of a security guard .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of a spooky mummy .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of an alibi .
Minecraft is based on the medieval land of grabby hands .



Sounds like you’re not strong enough for  .

Sounds like you’re not strong enough for butt sounds.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for valid reasoning.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for control of the English Channel.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for a trail of footprints.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for really bad teeth.
Sounds like you’re not strong enough for a fresh lung.





the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn n

Growing up we never had the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn, but we had to deal with you, ya dirty bum, and I want the opposite for my children.
The world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn like this is enough to kill a horse!
The world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
I am become my mom teaching sex ed, the destroyer of the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn.
Shepherds in Scotland have used horror movie gore for years to keep the flock from the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn.
Ah, the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn for my collection. Now no one has more than me.



warm root beer nc

I dug around for hours in the trash but never found warm root beer.
Give a man warm root beer and you feed him for a day. Give him plasma, and you feed him for a lifetime.
For my last meal I want a novelty gag dildo seasoned heavily with warm root beer.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began warm root beer.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Warm Root Beer,” the finest ship in the harbor!
The city condemned our house after finding warm root beer in the crawlspace.



guest towels np

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Guest Towels” syndrome!
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by guest towels.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare guest towels right at your table.
The White House will no longer enforce The Guest Towels Act of 1959. Thank God.
During my driving test, I backed my car into guest towels. I still got an 85!
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had guest towels destroyed and an excellent target killed as well.



hiding vt

At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a dog boner. It made me feel like I was hiding.
If hiding were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to hiding.
Jesus is hiding.
The TSA has made new rules mandating hiding on every commercial flight.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced diversions with hiding.



a big bowl of sauerkraut n

If you kids don’t stop chugging NyQuil™, I will turn a big bowl of sauerkraut around!
At the winery tour we saw how they put my taxidermied daughter and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like a big bowl of sauerkraut.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a big bowl of sauerkraut.”
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in a big bowl of sauerkraut in the middle of each intersection.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into a big bowl of sauerkraut! She’s 62!
The best comfort food will always be greens, a big bowl of sauerkraut, and fried chicken.



some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril np

Wake turbulence, also known as some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril, is turbulence that forms behind a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft as it passes through the air.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril.
Authorities were tallying damage from some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril that struck southern California Friday evening.
Here on the assembly line we heat some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is wanting to be noticed.
At the coffee shop they wrote “some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
In this 15th century painting, some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril is represented by a man with a thick, luscious banana slug for a head.



two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor nc

The terrorists will execute a new attitude every 20 minutes until they receive two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor.
Monopoly: Two Large Albanian Women with Excruciatingly Severe Body Odor Edition comes with barely in the butthole and a lump in the blanket instead of houses and hotels.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor slowly overtaking the buildings.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a bucket and two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor.
During routine surgery, the doctors found two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor embedded in my abdomen.



this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels v

Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of sex toy directions-loving bot that hates this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels happens.
There is no revenge so complete as this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.
When the beef came at me it was like this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels.
No one in Morocco can be this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels without registering with the government.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels directly.



my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel v

Acute watery diarrhea! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel.
My tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
I think that ecstasy was cut with most of my blood. After one hit I began very, very rapidly my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel.
Throughout human history, my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel, would you be my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel as well?”
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel.



the kind of shit white people pay for n

The kind of shit white people pay for has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
The kind of shit white people pay for brings a certain je ne sais quoi to a child’s face.
Furious that I was being dipped in chocolate into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into the kind of shit white people pay for.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was the kind of shit white people pay for.
John “a deal breaker” Smith. The genius who brought us the kind of shit white people pay for.
See now black people walk like a garbage disposal. But white people -- white people walk like they’re the kind of shit white people pay for!



humans stacked like Lincoln Logs np

SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into humans stacked like Lincoln Logs, get to the front of the line.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only humans stacked like Lincoln Logs and her first marriage.
Help! I’m humans stacked like Lincoln Logs and I need YOU to do something about it!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by humans stacked like Lincoln Logs.
We can be humans stacked like Lincoln Logs. And no one has to know.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find humans stacked like Lincoln Logs.



the call of the wild n

What the weight loss department lacks in selection, we make up for in the call of the wild.
I ordered the call of the wild privately over the Internet so I can get better at attacking everything in your path.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being the call of the wild.
If you have a dream about the call of the wild, it meas you’re worried about this very house.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around the call of the wild on the freeway.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on mighty Zeus when I bought the call of the wild.



50 lockpicks in my ass np

I need help with my computer! I downloaded a better god and now I’m having trouble with 50 lockpicks in my ass.
Alexander also named a city in India “50 Lockpicks in My Ass” after his dead horse.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider 50 lockpicks in my ass.
My pharmacist separated a burn victim into two piles, and carefully lowered one into 50 lockpicks in my ass.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a dust cloud over my head, but 50 lockpicks in my ass got in the way.
In my wild days I was saving all the Jews, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with 50 lockpicks in my ass on the New Mexico border.



Queen England and Samurai Joseph nc

Last Christmas, I gave you Queen England and Samurai Joseph. The very next day, you gave it away.
Apparently, “Queen England and Samurai Joseph” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
The authorities followed the trail of Queen England and Samurai Joseph, leading them straight to the suspect.
Happiness: Queen England and Samurai Joseph, a positive test for bodily fluids, and theatrics.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of Queen England and Samurai Joseph in history, rode into battle atop a heron.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of Queen England and Samurai Joseph.



made out of chiseled steel nc

Thanks for made out of chiseled steel. Now get out of my bed!
Working on my car I found made out of chiseled steel had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Last night I dreamed of made out of chiseled steel. I cannot shake the feeling that the next time will arrive soon.
In future times, the children will work together to build made out of chiseled steel.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like made out of chiseled steel.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing made out of chiseled steel at cars and passers-by.



smegma in a bottle nc

I noticed symptoms of thick fingers, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s smegma in a bottle!” but I’m not sure.
Dagnabbit! I got smegma in a bottle all jammed up in the wheel well again.
Every French soldier carries smegma in a bottle in his knapsack.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by smegma in a bottle.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began smegma in a bottle.
My favorite new band is “Diplomatic Support and Smegma in a Bottle”.



cold cut jerky nc

The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around cold cut jerky.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always cold cut jerky. Always.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing cold cut jerky, since we’re so good at it.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not cold cut jerky like your brother?”
At the skating rink there was cold cut jerky and everyone fell down at once.
I need a hotel room with cold cut jerky, and I need a better place now brought to me every four hours.



real hopes, real dream and real failures np

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be real hopes, real dream and real failures if I wanted a new family.
Who so pulleth out real hopes, real dream and real failures of this stone is rightwise king born of the death simulator.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Real Hopes, Real Dream and Real Failures is a do-gooder.
A lifetime of real hopes, real dream and real failures awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from eating feathers with real hopes, real dream and real failures.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on real hopes, real dream and real failures.



knocking the back end of your ass out v

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate knocking the back end of your ass out.
Always walk into an interview with “that feeling” and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate knocking the back end of your ass out.
Dad! I’m all done knocking the back end of your ass out, so I have my DNA left over if you’re still interested.
Amtrak officials confirm knocking the back end of your ass out would have prevented train derailment.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Knocking the Back End of Your Ass out”! I shook his hand and it felt like knocking the back end of your ass out.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Knocking the Back End of Your Ass out Blast!



white guilt nc

Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with white guilt.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking white guilt onto the International Space Station.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and white guilt in the Philippines.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with white guilt.
The new top grade of gasoline has white guilt as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, white guilt every single day.



crashing into the fucking ocean v

I tried crashing into the fucking ocean but it was too tight. Then I tried a child section but it was TOO LOOSE.
Here’s a certificate for crashing into the fucking ocean. I am at your service.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen crashing into the fucking ocean.
Our artisanal process ages a cornhole for 3 years, before going right into touching my deformity, rapidly crashing into the fucking ocean.
When I saw a horse’s mouth I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, crashing into the fucking ocean, I went white as a sheet!
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember crashing into the fucking ocean?”

User
an array of fully-erect hand penisis np

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, an array of fully-erect hand penisis emerged.
CAUTION: Keep an array of fully-erect hand penisis out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “An Array of Fully-erect Hand Penisis” and it helps me with a chunk.
The new top grade of gasoline has an array of fully-erect hand penisis as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow An Array of Fully-erect Hand Penisis?
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for an array of fully-erect hand penisis?



tying your nephew's hands and sucker-punching him in the face v

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with tying your nephew's hands and sucker-punching him in the face.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for tying your nephew's hands and sucker-punching him in the face.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and tying your nephew's hands and sucker-punching him in the face.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between tying your nephew's hands and sucker-punching him in the face and barely in the butthole.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of hindquarters, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into tying your nephew's hands and sucker-punching him in the face.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about tying your nephew's hands and sucker-punching him in the face, but with inertia!



the point you realized never to trust your own judgment ever again n

Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with the point you realized never to trust your own judgment ever again.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of the point you realized never to trust your own judgment ever again and a mouthfeel like a phone booth.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to the point you realized never to trust your own judgment ever again.
Always walk into an interview with the point you realized never to trust your own judgment ever again and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate one mile of train rail.
In the third world, luxuries like the point you realized never to trust your own judgment ever again are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to a leopard invasion.
At the winery tour we saw how they put the basement and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like the point you realized never to trust your own judgment ever again.



hog-tying your lovers to make sure they can’t escape v

Growing up we never had 100 steps, but we had to deal with hog-tying your lovers to make sure they can’t escape, and I want the opposite for my children.
On the assembly line we heat a big slow boat to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is hog-tying your lovers to make sure they can’t escape.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Hog-tying Your Lovers to Make Sure They Can’t Escape!” You’re cursed with nature’s candy until the end of the game!
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: hog-tying your lovers to make sure they can’t escape.
In a world with pulsating opposite sexes hog-tying your lovers to make sure they can’t escape, one man must overcome a small angry cloud. Coming this summer.
The White House will no longer enforce The Hog-tying Your Lovers to Make Sure They Can’t Escape Act of 1959. Thank God.



ruining things v

I can’t believe you forced my mom into ruining things! She’s 62!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by ruining things.
The new bill before congress would mandate ruining things in all K-through-12 classrooms.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am ruining things. Would you like to try our new special, the heart?
I would have never thought that I’d actually be a cheesy substance while I’m ruining things!
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “ruining things” incident in the science lab.



starving African children in Cambodia v

Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me starving African children in Cambodia and it’s getting weird.
I tried starving African children in Cambodia but it was too tight. Then I tried naval victory but it was TOO LOOSE.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience starving African children in Cambodia like I was really there.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from starving African children in Cambodia, and the eco-glass windows trap in tiny men.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: starving African children in Cambodia.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by terminal illness and starving African children in Cambodia.



the second funniest movie about slavery I've ever seen n

How high do you have to be to enjoy a shrieking verbal tirade in the second funniest movie about slavery I've ever seen?
I got the second funniest movie about slavery I've ever seen as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with a total fucking mess?
In this game you get to collect insurance and craft the second funniest movie about slavery I've ever seen.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of the second funniest movie about slavery I've ever seen.
If the second funniest movie about slavery I've ever seen were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
When the second funniest movie about slavery I've ever seen is ready, voluminous hair will appear.



answering a skype call with a sneeze v

This year’s hottest new fashion is answering a skype call with a sneeze on your head.
Hark! What answering a skype call with a sneeze through yonder window breaks?
Pool rules: No running. No answering a skype call with a sneeze. Keep a prepaid Visa™ out of the deep end.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of answering a skype call with a sneeze.
John “adult language” Smith. The genius who brought us answering a skype call with a sneeze.
Ever since a robot face appeared in the neighborhood, answering a skype call with a sneeze has been eyed with suspicion.




On a scale of one to ten, I’d say this rates as  .

On a scale of one to ten, I’d say this rates as clemency.
On a scale of one to ten, I’d say this rates as eels.
On a scale of one to ten, I’d say this rates as an air-filled bladder.
On a scale of one to ten, I’d say this rates as a bullet hole.
On a scale of one to ten, I’d say this rates as the Black Prince.
On a scale of one to ten, I’d say this rates as the gravy dimension.



They say longing makes the heart grow fonder, but I’ve always been a fan of  .

They say longing makes the heart grow fonder, but I’ve always been a fan of the sun.
They say longing makes the heart grow fonder, but I’ve always been a fan of a withered serpent.
They say longing makes the heart grow fonder, but I’ve always been a fan of keeping the pressure on.
They say longing makes the heart grow fonder, but I’ve always been a fan of being too busy.
They say longing makes the heart grow fonder, but I’ve always been a fan of a pipsqueak.
They say longing makes the heart grow fonder, but I’ve always been a fan of a broken ceiling tile.



Star Wars episode II proves that George Lucas is truly the master in the art of  .

Star Wars episode II proves that George Lucas is truly the master in the art of a hanging body.
Star Wars episode II proves that George Lucas is truly the master in the art of the Handsome Boy Modeling School.
Star Wars episode II proves that George Lucas is truly the master in the art of soul-damning.
Star Wars episode II proves that George Lucas is truly the master in the art of Tony’s prison baby.
Star Wars episode II proves that George Lucas is truly the master in the art of spiders.
Star Wars episode II proves that George Lucas is truly the master in the art of five full-time chefs.

User
  has been kidnapped by  . Are you a bad enough dude to rescue them?2

torturing your family has been kidnapped by halitosis. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue them?
solving a problem has been kidnapped by re-entering the ocean. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue them?
unisexuality has been kidnapped by its opposite. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue them?
a seat belt has been kidnapped by a strong magnet. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue them?
being cooked and eaten has been kidnapped by copycats. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue them?
our fraternity ritual has been kidnapped by whether I did it. Are you a bad enough dude to rescue them?



mother-fucking ninjas v

Mother-fucking ninjas is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are exciting lifetime possibilities and mother-fucking ninjas.
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife or mother-fucking ninjas.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by mother-fucking ninjas around the building.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Mother-fucking Ninjas” syndrome!
Can you come get me? I went to a bra strap with some guys who promised me mother-fucking ninjas.

User

Salty Pockets np

I got the first step to retake Texas as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with Salty Pockets?
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Salty Pockets?
In the third world, luxuries like this half of the planet are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to Salty Pockets.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value Salty Pockets more. Now hold still.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “Salty Pockets” incident in the science lab.
10% of all proceeds from sales of an elevator will go to The Salty Pockets Foundation.



A floppy horn nc

I didn’t think this house would sell with a shard of shrapnel in the attic. Anyway, I’m A floppy horn.
See now black people walk like A floppy horn. But white people -- white people walk like they’re unisexuality!
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking A floppy horn into women’s purses and bags.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as A floppy horn.
At my 9th birthday, we had the heart piñata that burst open showering A floppy horn on us kids.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by A floppy horn.



non-linear equations np

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw non-linear equations overboard!
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing non-linear equations, since we’re so good at it.
My dream house has booze out front, picture windows for a crouton, and non-linear equations in the garage.
Pundits agree it will take non-linear equations for the senator to win the election.
Can I get some floss? There’s non-linear equations between my teeth.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was non-linear equations.



"It just works" np

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of "It Just Works"”! I shook his hand and it felt like "It just works".
I am become "It just works", the destroyer of drool drops.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, my illegitimate son, sloth, wrath, "It just works", and pride.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of "It just works".
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for "It just works"?
But of the tree of knowledge of "It just works" and the southwest corner you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.



"Hold on to your butts" np

Let "Hold on to your butts" host your next party, providing a urinal cake like you’ve never seen before.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, "Hold on to your butts" emerged.
The terrorists will execute "Hold on to your butts" every 20 minutes until they receive a broken ceiling tile.
Apparently, “"Hold on to Your Butts"” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in "Hold on to your butts".
Howdy neighbor, love a moral boundary! Let’s get "Hold on to your butts" sometime!



All major theme parks have delays. When they opened   in 1956, nothing worked!

All major theme parks have delays. When they opened an exit wound in 1956, nothing worked!
All major theme parks have delays. When they opened the most sensitive part of my body in 1956, nothing worked!
All major theme parks have delays. When they opened a tiny bone fragment in 1956, nothing worked!
All major theme parks have delays. When they opened a segmented penis in 1956, nothing worked!
All major theme parks have delays. When they opened omens in 1956, nothing worked!
All major theme parks have delays. When they opened a comfortable spot in 1956, nothing worked!



Nobody is driven by abstractions like  .

Nobody is driven by abstractions like a mirror that lies.
Nobody is driven by abstractions like real life.
Nobody is driven by abstractions like punching a hole in the roof.
Nobody is driven by abstractions like turtles that have to pee.
Nobody is driven by abstractions like a close friend.
Nobody is driven by abstractions like a foaming pipe snake.



I remember the advice my Father gave me on my wedding day:  .

I remember the advice my Father gave me on my wedding day: a mistake.
I remember the advice my Father gave me on my wedding day: a refreshing douche of Sprite.
I remember the advice my Father gave me on my wedding day: putting my mouth on it.
I remember the advice my Father gave me on my wedding day: my salvation.
I remember the advice my Father gave me on my wedding day: very recent arrivals.
I remember the advice my Father gave me on my wedding day: halitosis.



I believe my life has value, and I don't want to waste it thinking about  .

I believe my life has value, and I don't want to waste it thinking about that ass.
I believe my life has value, and I don't want to waste it thinking about firing a volley of muskets into a dark room.
I believe my life has value, and I don't want to waste it thinking about a protective layer of rubber.
I believe my life has value, and I don't want to waste it thinking about computer problems.
I believe my life has value, and I don't want to waste it thinking about animalistic hunger.
I believe my life has value, and I don't want to waste it thinking about desperate dog sex.



  breaks free, expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously.

the original intent breaks free, expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously.
working myself up into a frenzy breaks free, expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously.
an oblong breast breaks free, expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously.
what makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth breaks free, expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously.
most people breaks free, expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously.
numerous guises breaks free, expands to new territories. Painfully, perhaps even dangerously.



Increasingly,   will demand the courage to face its implications.

Increasingly, mandibles will demand the courage to face its implications.
Increasingly, thirst will demand the courage to face its implications.
Increasingly, breastfeeding will demand the courage to face its implications.
Increasingly, ground control will demand the courage to face its implications.
Increasingly, every part of the buffalo will demand the courage to face its implications.
Increasingly, a feeding tube will demand the courage to face its implications.



  has survived everything, in its time. It will certainly survive us.

being shot at while fleeing has survived everything, in its time. It will certainly survive us.
a clever bastard has survived everything, in its time. It will certainly survive us.
bursting exuberantly onto the national scene has survived everything, in its time. It will certainly survive us.
deserving to be killed has survived everything, in its time. It will certainly survive us.
truth serum has survived everything, in its time. It will certainly survive us.
a new attitude has survived everything, in its time. It will certainly survive us.



In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished  .

In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished a liberal application.
In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished a skinless horror.
In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished steers and queers.
In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished somersaults.
In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished some birds eating all the poop away.
In the information society, nobody thinks. We expected to banish paper, but we actually banished a back-breaking zit.

User
Worshiping a naked bull-man (who may or may not explode) v

There is no revenge so complete as Worshiping a naked bull-man (who may or may not explode) .
A lifetime of Worshiping a naked bull-man (who may or may not explode) awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Worshiping a Naked Bull-man (who May or May Not Explode)!
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider Worshiping a naked bull-man (who may or may not explode) .
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s Worshiping a naked bull-man (who may or may not explode) .
A social skill is any skill facilitating truth serum and Worshiping a naked bull-man (who may or may not explode) with others.



Dating someone half your age v

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was Dating someone half your age .
I refuse to roleplay as anything but Dating someone half your age .
I tried the S.W.A.T. team but it was too tight. Then I tried Dating someone half your age but it was TOO LOOSE.
Amtrak officials confirm Dating someone half your age would have prevented train derailment.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began Dating someone half your age in front of his top supporters.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find Dating someone half your age .



A whimsical rape riot nc

A whimsical rape riot saved is A whimsical rape riot earned.
The band hadn’t started playing when A whimsical rape riot went off early, ejecting wiring money to far off lands into the air!
It’s lucky to touch A whimsical rape riot ; it’s even luckier to touch someone else’s.
Here’s a certificate for A whimsical rape riot from me. Redeem at any time!
I ordered A whimsical rape riot privately over the Internet so I can get better at radicalizing the natives.
One has to secrete a jelly in which to slip A whimsical rape riot down people’s throats - and one always secretes too much jelly.



Giving Nightquil to your nephews v

The only way to make sense out of Giving Nightquil to your nephews is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as Giving Nightquil to your nephews .
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by Giving Nightquil to your nephews .
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of an underwear shoot and a mouthfeel like Giving Nightquil to your nephews .
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience Giving Nightquil to your nephews like I was really there.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, Giving Nightquil to your nephews , sloth, wrath, hounding the family dog, and pride.



The tall butts of the early 90s np

The water tower looks like it’s The tall butts of the early 90s from this angle.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for The tall butts of the early 90s ?
Ever since The tall butts of the early 90s moved into the neighborhood, prancing piglets has been eyed with suspicion.
The survey team detected The tall butts of the early 90s so I threw flimflam in my truck and drove straight there.
Outrageous new comedy: 2 best friends and a stolen Army helicopter take a road trip, and discover The tall butts of the early 90s along the way.
If my horrible neighbor doesn’t get The tall butts of the early 90s off my property, I’m calling the cops!


User
WHITE CARDS

This perfect virtue

Come on down to Golden Corral for this perfect virtue.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was this perfect virtue, part was oral fixations, and it was crowned with the wrong man.
Throughout human history, this perfect virtue has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through this perfect virtue!
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only a gasoline enema and this perfect virtue come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
Life without love is like a tacky, god-awful facelift without this perfect virtue or fruit.



Feng Shui

Feng Shui is not horrible if a child is doing it.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by Feng Shui.
A BBC team has witnessed the devastating effects of Feng Shui on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest cavalry charge in history, rode into battle atop Feng Shui.
The city condemned our house after finding Feng Shui in the crawlspace.
Feng Shui brings only my index finger and a smile to a child’s face.



Spider silk

How embarrassing! I forget I left spider silk in the foyer.
Science never solves a problem without creating spider silk.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and spider silk in the Philippines.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value spider silk more. Now hold still.
I’m finally sisters with spider silk!
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember spider silk?”



protagonists that are white men with guns

A very relatable person

A social skill is any skill facilitating a very relatable person and a novelty oversized foam fist with others.
My house. 8 o’clock. a very relatable person.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of a very relatable person heard remote.
Happiness: the amount of land in southern Scotland, a very relatable person, and Portuguese possessions.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to a very relatable person.
CAUTION: Keep a very relatable person out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.



Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler

Then God said, “Let there be Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler”; and there was Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler. And God saw that Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler was good.
In this 15th century painting, Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler is represented by a man with twerking your front butt for a head.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler” syndrome!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler.
Apparently, “Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Jack Horkheimer: Star Hustler





BLACK CARDS - PLAY ONE

We sit together, _____ and I, until only _____ remains.2

We sit together, steampunk bullshit and I, until only a weak spot remains.
We sit together, invoking a curse and I, until only 100% plastic adult toys remains.
We sit together, losing on purpose and I, until only a spooky mummy remains.
We sit together, a system of tunnels leading to key locations and I, until only hiding the elderly remains.
We sit together, smacking your bitch in public and I, until only a playpen remains.
We sit together, a cold hearted assassin and I, until only a hand grenade in my cereal remains.



The Earth is the cradle of _____, but _____ cannot stay in the cradle forever.2

The Earth is the cradle of compost, but a lonely old man cannot stay in the cradle forever.
The Earth is the cradle of nosy neighbors, but stubby fingers cannot stay in the cradle forever.
The Earth is the cradle of a historical dame, but a gash cannot stay in the cradle forever.
The Earth is the cradle of a delicate balance, but just rockin’ that ass cannot stay in the cradle forever.
The Earth is the cradle of a Facebook post, but bellybutton logic cannot stay in the cradle forever.
The Earth is the cradle of clown genitals, but drool drops cannot stay in the cradle forever.



Red-hot __, white-hot __, cold-black __; a __ taste, a __ smell, and a Babel of __ sounds.

_____ has told me of things that delight them, but not such things as your law has to tell.

my SIM card has told me of things that delight them, but not such things as your law has to tell.
unbridled fury has told me of things that delight them, but not such things as your law has to tell.
a reliable source of income has told me of things that delight them, but not such things as your law has to tell.
a wayward dental implant has told me of things that delight them, but not such things as your law has to tell.
your signature manoeuvre has told me of things that delight them, but not such things as your law has to tell.
my bacon strip has told me of things that delight them, but not such things as your law has to tell.



The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it _____.

The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it expulsion.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it reduced brain intelligence.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it foaming, not at the mouth.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it cabin fever.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it a difficult Canadian.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it a battle.



In one dimension I find existence, in two I find life, but in three, I find _____.

In one dimension I find existence, in two I find life, but in three, I find a bad landing.
In one dimension I find existence, in two I find life, but in three, I find a vague prophesy.
In one dimension I find existence, in two I find life, but in three, I find firing off the squibs too early.
In one dimension I find existence, in two I find life, but in three, I find dudes.
In one dimension I find existence, in two I find life, but in three, I find an asset.
In one dimension I find existence, in two I find life, but in three, I find great tits.



“I'll give the land a little shock, remember what I say, and they'll yet regret they've sent _____ in chains to Botany Bay.”

“I'll give the land a little shock, remember what I say, and they'll yet regret they've sent a real sonuvabitch in chains to Botany Bay.”
“I'll give the land a little shock, remember what I say, and they'll yet regret they've sent the reptile brain in chains to Botany Bay.”
“I'll give the land a little shock, remember what I say, and they'll yet regret they've sent movie and television adaptations in chains to Botany Bay.”
“I'll give the land a little shock, remember what I say, and they'll yet regret they've sent hounding the family dog in chains to Botany Bay.”
“I'll give the land a little shock, remember what I say, and they'll yet regret they've sent Satan’s latest abomination in chains to Botany Bay.”
“I'll give the land a little shock, remember what I say, and they'll yet regret they've sent drinking palm wine from your enemy’s skull in chains to Botany Bay.”



We must never forget that _____ is the sole reason for our struggle.

We must never forget that blocking the exit is the sole reason for our struggle.
We must never forget that black leggings is the sole reason for our struggle.
We must never forget that an unfair coin is the sole reason for our struggle.
We must never forget that well-organized orphans is the sole reason for our struggle.
We must never forget that an eyewitness is the sole reason for our struggle.
We must never forget that a burn victim is the sole reason for our struggle.



_____ once measured in meters has become so small that they cannot be seen by the naked eye, with revolutionary applications across the board.

bed inspectors once measured in meters has become so small that they cannot be seen by the naked eye, with revolutionary applications across the board.
thousands once measured in meters has become so small that they cannot be seen by the naked eye, with revolutionary applications across the board.
vital developments once measured in meters has become so small that they cannot be seen by the naked eye, with revolutionary applications across the board.
an implied butt once measured in meters has become so small that they cannot be seen by the naked eye, with revolutionary applications across the board.
goat porn once measured in meters has become so small that they cannot be seen by the naked eye, with revolutionary applications across the board.
a horizontal ass crack once measured in meters has become so small that they cannot be seen by the naked eye, with revolutionary applications across the board.



Until quite recently, _____ had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.

Until quite recently, a little of this, a little of that had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Until quite recently, conjuring had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Until quite recently, a gaggle of nuns had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Until quite recently, voluminous hair had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Until quite recently, hyperactive legs had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Until quite recently, the real adversary had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.



What actually transpires beneath the veil of _____? Decent people shouldn't think too much about that.

What actually transpires beneath the veil of inhabitants? Decent people shouldn't think too much about that.
What actually transpires beneath the veil of circumcising your dad? Decent people shouldn't think too much about that.
What actually transpires beneath the veil of a van down by the river? Decent people shouldn't think too much about that.
What actually transpires beneath the veil of a reach-around? Decent people shouldn't think too much about that.
What actually transpires beneath the veil of a hysterical dame? Decent people shouldn't think too much about that.
What actually transpires beneath the veil of a virus? Decent people shouldn't think too much about that.



If you can discover a better way of life than _____ for your future rulers, a well-governed city becomes a possibility.

If you can discover a better way of life than tumbling down a mountain for your future rulers, a well-governed city becomes a possibility.
If you can discover a better way of life than mixed feelings for your future rulers, a well-governed city becomes a possibility.
If you can discover a better way of life than giving birth to your own parents for your future rulers, a well-governed city becomes a possibility.
If you can discover a better way of life than a guillotine for your future rulers, a well-governed city becomes a possibility.
If you can discover a better way of life than rent-controlled coffins for your future rulers, a well-governed city becomes a possibility.
If you can discover a better way of life than the basic unit of physics for your future rulers, a well-governed city becomes a possibility.



Once a man has changed the relationship between himself and _____ , he cannot return to the blissful ignorance he left

Once a man has changed the relationship between himself and something worth mentioning , he cannot return to the blissful ignorance he left
Once a man has changed the relationship between himself and your only white friend , he cannot return to the blissful ignorance he left
Once a man has changed the relationship between himself and distended tubes , he cannot return to the blissful ignorance he left
Once a man has changed the relationship between himself and squirting acid , he cannot return to the blissful ignorance he left
Once a man has changed the relationship between himself and a feather boa , he cannot return to the blissful ignorance he left
Once a man has changed the relationship between himself and almost no air left , he cannot return to the blissful ignorance he left





BLACK CARDS - PLAY TWO

_____ is the cradle of _____, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.2

having a zero-value existence is the cradle of hatred for children, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.
a tiny Jamaican is the cradle of leaving no trace, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.
teaching pseudoscience is the cradle of an angry buttplug for the man, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.
no wheelchair access is the cradle of what’s grinding my gears, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.
subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife is the cradle of friends that can keep a secret, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.
a new reality show is the cradle of wrestling alligators, but one cannot stay in the cradle forever.



And when he has brought forth and reared_____, he shall be called _____, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him.2

And when he has brought forth and reareda pillar of salt, he shall be called Oprah’s audience, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him.
And when he has brought forth and rearedcute lil’ child soldiers, he shall be called wriggly little worms, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him.
And when he has brought forth and reareda liberal application, he shall be called an improvised explosive device, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him.
And when he has brought forth and reareda deep cut, he shall be called all this shit, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him.
And when he has brought forth and rearedgladiator pants, he shall be called an episode of sudden mass assault against people or objects, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him.
And when he has brought forth and rearedyoung crabs, he shall be called “forgetting” to knock, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him.



I maintain nonetheless that yin-yang dualism can be overcome. With sufficient enlightenment we can give substance to any distinction: mind without body, north without south, _____ without _____. 2

I maintain nonetheless that yin-yang dualism can be overcome. With sufficient enlightenment we can give substance to any distinction: mind without body, north without south, a time machine that has yet to be invented without consensual manslaughter.
I maintain nonetheless that yin-yang dualism can be overcome. With sufficient enlightenment we can give substance to any distinction: mind without body, north without south, an ankle holster without my golden goose.
I maintain nonetheless that yin-yang dualism can be overcome. With sufficient enlightenment we can give substance to any distinction: mind without body, north without south, a crocodile death-rolling my taint without 50,000 volts of electricity.
I maintain nonetheless that yin-yang dualism can be overcome. With sufficient enlightenment we can give substance to any distinction: mind without body, north without south, various fluids without a vigorous grind.
I maintain nonetheless that yin-yang dualism can be overcome. With sufficient enlightenment we can give substance to any distinction: mind without body, north without south, a crime of passion without empowerment.
I maintain nonetheless that yin-yang dualism can be overcome. With sufficient enlightenment we can give substance to any distinction: mind without body, north without south, a frantic woman without a truck full of ladders.



_____ in the classic sense has no place in rational theory, but _____ does exist on the quantum level, and more importantly it can be controlled.2

the tiniest little idea in my pea brain in the classic sense has no place in rational theory, but Disneyland! does exist on the quantum level, and more importantly it can be controlled.
zigzagging wildly in the classic sense has no place in rational theory, but an old hornet does exist on the quantum level, and more importantly it can be controlled.
keepin’ it tight in the classic sense has no place in rational theory, but a sexy, but stylish full turn does exist on the quantum level, and more importantly it can be controlled.
a little line of poop from your head to your butt in the classic sense has no place in rational theory, but a humiliated animal does exist on the quantum level, and more importantly it can be controlled.
wallowing in the pee in the classic sense has no place in rational theory, but oozing holes does exist on the quantum level, and more importantly it can be controlled.
fighting your family in the classic sense has no place in rational theory, but a barbecued meal worm does exist on the quantum level, and more importantly it can be controlled.



This unusual specimen is not so much _____ as _____.2

This unusual specimen is not so much the very foundation as ball peeking.
This unusual specimen is not so much closing her legs as whaling.
This unusual specimen is not so much a launch as ocean Nazis.
This unusual specimen is not so much my innards as ill-advised business decisions.
This unusual specimen is not so much the female form as a penis costume.
This unusual specimen is not so much a Hot Pocket® as a line.



The substructure of the universe regresses infinitely towards smaller and smaller components. Behind _____we find electrons, and behind electrons, _____. Each layer unraveled reveals new secrets, but also new mysteries.2

The substructure of the universe regresses infinitely towards smaller and smaller components. Behind an obstinate, but lovable grandfatherwe find electrons, and behind electrons, alien technology. Each layer unraveled reveals new secrets, but also new mysteries.
The substructure of the universe regresses infinitely towards smaller and smaller components. Behind an abomination unto Godwe find electrons, and behind electrons, being attacked by a skeleton. Each layer unraveled reveals new secrets, but also new mysteries.
The substructure of the universe regresses infinitely towards smaller and smaller components. Behind secret Jewswe find electrons, and behind electrons, years of pain. Each layer unraveled reveals new secrets, but also new mysteries.
The substructure of the universe regresses infinitely towards smaller and smaller components. Behind the instructionswe find electrons, and behind electrons, a shitty, useless planet. Each layer unraveled reveals new secrets, but also new mysteries.
The substructure of the universe regresses infinitely towards smaller and smaller components. Behind a Korean hackerwe find electrons, and behind electrons, a lonely grave. Each layer unraveled reveals new secrets, but also new mysteries.
The substructure of the universe regresses infinitely towards smaller and smaller components. Behind a long visitwe find electrons, and behind electrons, a pig chute. Each layer unraveled reveals new secrets, but also new mysteries.





BLACK CARDS - PLAY THREE

As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth's final century, _____ is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained people whose leaders at last lose their grip on _____ will soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually constricting its grip on _____ has begun its rapid slide into despotism. 3

As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth's final century, going out on a limb is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained people whose leaders at last lose their grip on a bad white card will soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually constricting its grip on intense pain has begun its rapid slide into despotism.
As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth's final century, ichor from a bug’s gland is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained people whose leaders at last lose their grip on bathwater will soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually constricting its grip on spiritual functionality has begun its rapid slide into despotism.
As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth's final century, a robot face is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained people whose leaders at last lose their grip on Orange Julius will soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually constricting its grip on googly eyes on everyone and everything has begun its rapid slide into despotism.
As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth's final century, Moon Base Alpha is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained people whose leaders at last lose their grip on baking onto the sidewalk will soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually constricting its grip on you, ya dirty bum has begun its rapid slide into despotism.
As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth's final century, a male prostitute is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained people whose leaders at last lose their grip on a pulpy mass will soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually constricting its grip on getting groped by a senator has begun its rapid slide into despotism.
As the Americans learned so painfully in Earth's final century, poking all the little bugs is the only safeguard against tyranny. The once-chained people whose leaders at last lose their grip on acting in an irresponsible fashion will soon burst with freedom and vitality, but the free nation gradually constricting its grip on a wish granting goblin has begun its rapid slide into despotism.


User
WHITE CARDS

A bunch of wires going into a statue of a woman

I’m late to my meeting for A bunch of wires going into a statue of a woman.
Then God said, “Let there be A bunch of wires going into a statue of a woman”; and there was A bunch of wires going into a statue of a woman. And God saw that A bunch of wires going into a statue of a woman was good.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered A bunch of wires going into a statue of a woman operation.
Single white female seeking long term relationship, if you’re into A bunch of wires going into a statue of a woman, get to the front of the line.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in A bunch of wires going into a statue of a woman.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy an ounce of A bunch of wires going into a statue of a woman at a time.



An aerodynamic adventure

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me An aerodynamic adventure.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: An aerodynamic adventure@one thousand scorpions.net
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during An aerodynamic adventure that overturned their car.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by An aerodynamic adventure.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value An aerodynamic adventure more. Now hold still.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare An aerodynamic adventure right at your table.



William Shakespeare’s classic story: “The taming of the woman who’s a total bitch”

Give a man the last condom and you feed him for a day. Give him William Shakespeare’s classic story: “The taming of the woman who’s a total bitch”, and you feed him for a lifetime.
I tried to sneak out of the store with William Shakespeare’s classic story: “The taming of the woman who’s a total bitch” under one arm and a human tooth necklace down my pants.
Life without love is like William Shakespeare’s classic story: “The taming of the woman who’s a total bitch” without maximum bitch mode or fruit.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, William Shakespeare’s classic story: “The taming of the woman who’s a total bitch”... Sweet! Sunny-D!
Amtrak officials confirm William Shakespeare’s classic story: “The taming of the woman who’s a total bitch” would have prevented train derailment.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. William Shakespeare’s classic story: “The taming of the woman who’s a total bitch” is tiny uranium rods.



A discarded woman

That’s not funny. My dad was killed by A discarded woman.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find A discarded woman in the back seat.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A discarded woman” syndrome!
One has to secrete a jelly in which to slip A discarded woman down people’s throats - and one always secretes too much jelly.
How embarrassing! I forget I left A discarded woman in the foyer.
You remind me of A discarded woman because you are always a robustly satisfying fart to me.



Danger tickling

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw Danger tickling overboard!
If Danger tickling were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!
Jesus is Danger tickling.
CAUTION: Keep Danger tickling out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
And before I let your steam drill beat me down, I’ll die with Danger tickling in my hand.
I came home to find just the thing replaced with Danger tickling.



All that boot-scooting

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “All that boot-scooting” and it helps me with door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: a happy accident with All that boot-scooting.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned All that boot-scooting. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a good strategy, score points by All that boot-scooting, and a leak shall not be on the field.
Authorities were tallying damage from All that boot-scooting that struck southern California Friday evening.
All that boot-scooting: It’s nature’s candy!



Them tall tits

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for Them tall tits.
The only way to make sense out of Them tall tits is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, Them tall tits emerged.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Them tall tits?
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, Them tall tits popped out!
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate Them tall tits.



A tall ass

Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with A tall ass.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “tiny men!” You’re cursed with A tall ass until the end of the game!
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually A tall ass.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in A tall ass.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring A tall ass.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about A tall ass?



The shins of a Clydesdale

I want to say one word to you, just one word: The shins of a Clydesdale.
The best comfort food will always be greens, The shins of a Clydesdale, and fried chicken.
My religion demands that I must always have a wise old age, and that I must abstain from The shins of a Clydesdale.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider The shins of a Clydesdale.
A lifetime of The shins of a Clydesdale awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to The shins of a Clydesdale.




BLACK CARDS

Thanks for _____. Now get out of my bed!

Thanks for casualties. Now get out of my bed!
Thanks for customs. Now get out of my bed!
Thanks for sloppier thirds. Now get out of my bed!
Thanks for favorable terrain. Now get out of my bed!
Thanks for doing it RIGHT this time!. Now get out of my bed!
Thanks for a mass of lymphatic tissue. Now get out of my bed!



“Who does _____belong to?” “To God”, says the man in the Vatican.

“Who does a tiny bat crawling up your peeholebelong to?” “To God”, says the man in the Vatican.
“Who does curling up in the landing gearbelong to?” “To God”, says the man in the Vatican.
“Who does a truck full of laddersbelong to?” “To God”, says the man in the Vatican.
“Who does preybelong to?” “To God”, says the man in the Vatican.
“Who does a hysterical damebelong to?” “To God”, says the man in the Vatican.
“Who does I don’t know what, but BILLIONS of thembelong to?” “To God”, says the man in the Vatican.




PLAY TWO

You know you like a woman with _____, but she better have _____.2

You know you like a woman with friends without benefits, but she better have a creepy dude.
You know you like a woman with a raunchy sex comedy, but she better have a tiny Jamaican.
You know you like a woman with eating feathers, but she better have pretending to forget.
You know you like a woman with my SIM card, but she better have gut-wrenching testimony.
You know you like a woman with a feast of blood, but she better have fighting your family.
You know you like a woman with an enjoyable life, but she better have a fresh lung.


User
WHITE CARDS

A single human girl living in an all pidgin world

In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a single human girl living in an all pidgin world.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: tunneling around, a single human girl living in an all pidgin world and a state trooper.
I’m finally sisters with a single human girl living in an all pidgin world!
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: a serious scuffle and a single human girl living in an all pidgin world.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “a single human girl living in an all pidgin world!” You’re cursed with investigating crimes and making arrests until the end of the game!
Men, like a single human girl living in an all pidgin world, go farthest when they are smoothest.



A choir of angry vaginas all yelling at each other while bleeding

You can’t get a choir of angry vaginas all yelling at each other while bleeding big enough or a falling tree long enough to suit me.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw a choir of angry vaginas all yelling at each other while bleeding overboard!
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a choir of angry vaginas all yelling at each other while bleeding.
When a person has a choir of angry vaginas all yelling at each other while bleeding, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing will win arguments and straighten people out.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a choir of angry vaginas all yelling at each other while bleeding. It made me feel like I was what we asked for.
I reached expectantly into a quirky, vegan CEO, but found only a choir of angry vaginas all yelling at each other while bleeding.



Winking angrily

Ich bin ein winking angrily.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as the whole sick crew, score points by cranberry sauce or juice, and winking angrily shall not be on the field.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by winking angrily.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned winking angrily. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about winking angrily?
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into winking angrily. It was not my lips you kissed, but wearing the bones of the dead.



My "4 out of 10" wife

At my 9th birthday, we had My "4 out of 10" wife piñata that burst open showering lacerations on us kids.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “My "4 out of 10" wife”.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was My "4 out of 10" wife.
God didn’t create me. God created My "4 out of 10" wife. And My "4 out of 10" wife created me.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring My "4 out of 10" wife.
My house. 8 o’clock. My "4 out of 10" wife.



Pining for the children you'll never have

Damn it! I got pining for the children you'll never have jammed in the wheel well again.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and pining for the children you'll never have in the Philippines.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw pining for the children you'll never have for the first time!
In this 15th century painting, pining for the children you'll never have is represented by a man with blocking the exit for a head.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s a child drowning in a vat of molasses straddled by pining for the children you'll never have.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “pining for the children you'll never have.”



Being anti-visible

I tried to sneak out of the store with a vast understatement under one arm and being anti-visible down my pants.
You put being anti-visible back right now, young man, you’ve already had yours!
The rich aroma of being anti-visible, from the hills of Columbia.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, being anti-visible appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
The unofficial symbol of the United States is being anti-visible.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, being anti-visible emerged.



The inverted retreat technique

He also named a city in India “the inverted retreat technique” after his dead horse.
I like my women like I like the inverted retreat technique: with Oprah’s audience.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by the inverted retreat technique.
Jesus is the inverted retreat technique.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to the inverted retreat technique.
One has to secrete a jelly in which to slip the inverted retreat technique down people’s throats - and one always secretes too much jelly.



Putting yourself in small amounts of danger

But of the tree of knowledge of putting yourself in small amounts of danger and laughing with a mouth full of firecrackers you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
Apparently, “putting yourself in small amounts of danger” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with putting yourself in small amounts of danger and a mysterious boy who fights a wish granting goblin.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created putting yourself in small amounts of danger.
I buried my treasure under putting yourself in small amounts of danger so you’d never find it!
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with putting yourself in small amounts of danger.



One of your always offline MMOs

Everything I need to live on a desert island: one of your always offline MMOs with landlubbers.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find one of your always offline MMOs in the back seat.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with one of your always offline MMOs!”
Let one of your always offline MMOs host your next party, providing anything on the face of this earth like you’ve never seen before.
During routine surgery, the doctors found one of your always offline MMOs embedded in my abdomen.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as one of your always offline MMOs.



War-fighting

I’m late to my meeting for war-fighting.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then war-fighting really affected me.
A social skill is any skill facilitating war-fighting and not taking care of your body with others.
war-fighting: The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan.
You evaded my “war-fighting” attack! Most impressive.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “war-fighting



Left-right mobilization cycling

On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing Left-right mobilization cycling.”
Hark! What Left-right mobilization cycling through yonder window breaks?
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on Left-right mobilization cycling.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to Left-right mobilization cycling.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, Left-right mobilization cycling, toilet paper, shelter, and a pack of smokes.
A BBC team has witnessed the devastating effects of Left-right mobilization cycling on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.



Nonresident aliens

In future times, the children will work together to build nonresident aliens.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value nonresident aliens more. Now hold still.
The thief was caught stealing finding out my first husband was still alive from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of nonresident aliens.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of nonresident aliens.
Authorities were tallying damage from nonresident aliens that struck southern California Friday evening.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with nonresident aliens.



Not taking the dick

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live in not taking the dick across the street.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of not taking the dick and a period.
The new bill before congress would mandate not taking the dick and provide subsidies for a strawberry-dumping hussy.
CAUTION: Keep not taking the dick out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in not taking the dick.
See now black people walk like curious, probing tendrils. But white people -- white people walk like they’re not taking the dick!



Necrotizing battle-fright

Chimps in the wild have been observed using necrotizing battle-fright to forage for food.
The TSA has made new rules mandating necrotizing battle-fright on every commercial flight.
You remind me of necrotizing battle-fright because you are always a gush to me.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk necrotizing battle-fright.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up necrotizing battle-fright in every room.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like necrotizing battle-fright and is carrying a bandsaw.



An inside outside job

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider an inside outside job.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is an inside outside job.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as an inside outside job.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find an inside outside job.
Happiness: a royal fleet of galleys, getting excited and throwing yourself in the mantrap, and an inside outside job.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest cavalry charge in history, rode into battle atop an inside outside job.



Doing experiments on science beings

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “doing experiments on science beings”.
If doing experiments on science beings were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember doing experiments on science beings?”
A lifetime of doing experiments on science beings awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. doing experiments on science beings is what I should have said.
Go, go, Gadget doing experiments on science beings!




BLACK CARDS

To bad I wrote the book on _____, asshole!

To bad I wrote the book on Grandma’s ghost, asshole!
To bad I wrote the book on customs, asshole!
To bad I wrote the book on a double-meat pizza, asshole!
To bad I wrote the book on PTSD, asshole!
To bad I wrote the book on unknown assailants, asshole!
To bad I wrote the book on a demon torture puzzle box, asshole!



I've got a master's degree in _____.

I've got a master's degree in a flimsy pterodactyl.
I've got a master's degree in habanero salsa.
I've got a master's degree in royal authority.
I've got a master's degree in sharp claws.
I've got a master's degree in curious bisexuals.
I've got a master's degree in a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug.



That's what makes this a thinking-man's game. Because _____ isn't for stupid people.

That's what makes this a thinking-man's game. Because the real adversary isn't for stupid people.
That's what makes this a thinking-man's game. Because innocent women and children isn't for stupid people.
That's what makes this a thinking-man's game. Because valid reasoning isn't for stupid people.
That's what makes this a thinking-man's game. Because a weak little person isn't for stupid people.
That's what makes this a thinking-man's game. Because acting like a child isn't for stupid people.
That's what makes this a thinking-man's game. Because adult language isn't for stupid people.



Jesus, its like _____ in here.

Jesus, its like solutions in here.
Jesus, its like a well-rehearsed lie in here.
Jesus, its like the uncooperative dead in here.
Jesus, its like concerning news in here.
Jesus, its like novelty gag dildo in here.
Jesus, its like unneeded bulk in here.



Why don't you try _____ first.

Why don't you try a violent episode first.
Why don't you try a coming horrific hell first.
Why don't you try Katy Perry’s kitty, Kitty Purry first.
Why don't you try a prepaid Visa™ first.
Why don't you try a deep cut first.
Why don't you try a yappy little dog first.



_____, man's last bastion in a world gone mad.

laughing along but crying inside, man's last bastion in a world gone mad.
a lump in the blanket, man's last bastion in a world gone mad.
an entity in death, man's last bastion in a world gone mad.
drool drops, man's last bastion in a world gone mad.
pity, man's last bastion in a world gone mad.
a sly fox, man's last bastion in a world gone mad.



Ah, finally a dance I'm familiar with. Its called _____.

Ah, finally a dance I'm familiar with. Its called a thorough examination.
Ah, finally a dance I'm familiar with. Its called horsing around.
Ah, finally a dance I'm familiar with. Its called a difficult Canadian.
Ah, finally a dance I'm familiar with. Its called a moon rock shaped like a butt.
Ah, finally a dance I'm familiar with. Its called precious ambergris.
Ah, finally a dance I'm familiar with. Its called Saint Dracula’s cathedral.



First thing you've got to know about _____ is shit no one cares about.

First thing you've got to know about not a bear is shit no one cares about.
First thing you've got to know about a small angry cloud is shit no one cares about.
First thing you've got to know about due time is shit no one cares about.
First thing you've got to know about journeying to far-off lands is shit no one cares about.
First thing you've got to know about an exhumed corpse is shit no one cares about.
First thing you've got to know about this very night is shit no one cares about.



Lock and load. The 13 colonies are under attack by _____.

Lock and load. The 13 colonies are under attack by a pill for every problem.
Lock and load. The 13 colonies are under attack by feminine hygiene products.
Lock and load. The 13 colonies are under attack by a bag of duck vaginas.
Lock and load. The 13 colonies are under attack by a burned out wasteland.
Lock and load. The 13 colonies are under attack by caressing a face.
Lock and load. The 13 colonies are under attack by a strap-on.



The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and _____.

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and doubting its validity.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and camaraderie and shenanigans.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and the associated risks.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and runny soup.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and a madhouse! A madhouse!.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and Princess Perfect.




PLAY TWO


In this game you get to collect _____ and shoot _____.2

In this game you get to collect learning an important lesson and shoot a happy accident.
In this game you get to collect thinness and shoot the thin veneer of causality that underlies porn.
In this game you get to collect a savvy entrepreneur and shoot A urologist.
In this game you get to collect a tickle and shoot total collapse.
In this game you get to collect sex toy directions and shoot a barbecued meal worm.
In this game you get to collect hounding the family dog and shoot yoga farts.



_1__, yes. __2_ yes. __1_ make the best __2_.

We did not say this was _____! We said this was_____!2

We did not say this was infinite sausage! We said this wasa reception area for social events!
We did not say this was things that aren’t intelligible! We said this wasa pig in the middle!
We did not say this was the reason this happened! We said this wasa large abscess!
We did not say this was the majestic Humboldt squid! We said this wascrab stuffing!
We did not say this was a pig chute! We said this wasturmoil!
We did not say this was forgetting about the whole universe! We said this wasbitches on the love throne!


User
BLACK CARDS

Let’s consummate our newfound love with___.

A beautiful movie, almost a poem rendered on celluloid. We're talking, of course, about___.

Hey, don't go blaming DC Comics for this! This is___.

Imagine how much dog food you could make out of___.

What if ___ was one of us?

He's got ___ tied up in the basement.

The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to ___.


WHITE CARDS

A fist fight

A giant sewer rat with irritable bowel syndrome

Another burninated victim of TROGDOR!

Tom Skerritt, world's most grizzled man

Sitting alone in a movie theater and making wisecracks

A time share sales pitch.

Your typically abnormally confident, world-weary 16-year-old female protagonist

The “guy-you-alert-the-flight-attendant-about”

The "guy-in-car-peeping-in-on-yoga-class-through-binoculars"
User
[WHITE CARDS]

A moment spontaneously turning romantic

Gazing longingly into eachother’s eyes.

Unprovoked acts of naked aggression

Consensual Sex in the Missionary Position

A little leadership dispute

Fraternal excommunication

A few armed legions supporting the Antipope to kick the legitimate Pope out of Rome.

Feminist things

Aaonjer’s first wife, “Machinegun” Betty
Truck
User
I tried to warn you about the graphic content, now you've got visual aids!
User
The nightly news gave us this gem:

"Radical twitter accounts"
User
Ok, this song has been around since 2003, but I just discovered it thanks to the efforts of a Kickboxing Banana.

Sick vid
User
WHITE CARDS

Fried salad

Danger fever

Involuntary celibacy

Shrimp salad on a stick

1000 nylon zip ties

A taxi full of babies

A dog-shaped spirit buddy

A friend



BLACK CARDS

The owner of a lonely heart is much better than the owner of __.

___, suitable for anyone at anytime.

When a man learns to love, he must bear the risk of__.
User
A glove compartment full of Maxi Pads

Illegally modifying a red wagon

Logged out forever
User
Stylish racism

A stylish racist
User
Conversations at work have generated these following gems:

Tinny uranium rods

Playing in the paint

A truck full of ladders

A creepy J-pop idol

Taking the scissor-lift for a joyride

Rolling a golfcart

Recounting your holes
User
Opening a portal to the fucking moon!
User
Caressing a beautiful face

Superboat

Fire Maidens of Outer Space

Human Duplicators

The Day the Earth Froze

Invasion of the Neptune Men

Space Mutiny

Time Chasers

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

The Phantom Planet

The Pumaman

The Deadly Bees

A Deadly Bee

The Space Children

The Final Sacrifice

A screaming skull

A Girl in Gold Boots

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

Future War

Track of the Moon Beast

Final Justice

Swamp Diamonds

Secret Agent Super Dragon

The Magic Voyage of Sinbad

Operation Double 007 (A.K.A.: Operation Kid Brother)

The Girl in Lovers Lane

The Brain That Wouldn't Die

Cosmic Princess

A Humanoid Woman

Blood Waters of Dr. Z

Future War

Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders

Vitriolic word-salad

Sock puppet sex

Night of the Blood Beast

The Chicken of Tomorrow

Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell

The Incredible Melting Man

Laserblast

This Island Earth

The Revenge of the Creature

The Deadly Mantis

The Thing That Couldn't Die

Terror from the Year 5000

A Teenage Werewolf

The Giant Spider Invasion

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies

Riding with Death
User
BLACK CARDS

If you can discover a better way of life than office-holding for____, a well-governed city becomes a possibility.

Once a man has changed the relationship between himself and ____, he cannot return to the blissful ignorance he left.

____is dangerous and difficult to control, but its products will soon become commonplace in our society.

And can ____ be tricked into hiding from itself?

A bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here! This stuff will make you ___. Just like me.

____ is only movement and love; it is the living infinite.

The wicked have told me of things that delight them, but not such things as ___.

Cry HAVOC! And let slip ___!

___ is the last refuge of a scoundrel.

If tyranny ever came to this land, it will be in the guise of ___.

The voice of the people is the voice of ____.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have ___thrust upon them.

It will happen, and it will happen in our lifetimes. ___isn't just the future. ____ is now.

The price of freedom is ___.

I have seen enough of ___ never to wish to see another.

___ is the essential concept and the first truth.

____ is only a receptacle for all the prodigious, supernatural things that exist
inside it.

A scientist must be ____, in order to block out the incessant chorus of those who say "It cannot be done."

When beholding the tranquil beauty and brilliancy of____, one forgets the tiger heart that pants beneath it.

___ rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and Initiative.

For only in such a state will those rule who are truly rich, not in gold, but in the wealth that makes happiness, ____.

Important? Yes! Critical? Absolutely. I would go so far as to say that ____alone makes our present economy possible.

Our ancestors harnessed the power of ___, and so again shall we.



PLAY TWO

Without ____ no object would be given to us, without ____ no object would be thought.

Thoughts without ____are empty, intuitions without ____ are blind.

___ and ____ have, when taken together, a geometric effect on overall military strength.

I maintain that yin-yang dualism can be overcome, and we can give substance to any distinction: mind without body, north without south, ____ without ___.

Men will ultimately be governed by ___ or ___.



WHITE CARDS

Self-Aware Machines

Tig ol' Bitties

The dogs of war

moral value

Goddamn Space Tigers

Forklift jousting

A homo-erotic volleyball montage.

Desert nomads

the Final Fantasy XIII game guide

Kicking tires and lighting fires

Nonlinear Mathematics

Non-Euclidean geometry
User
This series of music videos changed my life.

Sick vid

User
WHITE CARDS

Game balance.

Drow blackface

Total Party Kill.

Gelatinous Cubes.

75 Does. 1 Buck. Ultimate deer fuck.

A Doritos flavored gas chamber.

The white man's burden

A planet where apes evolved from men?!

Dissociated mechanics.

The U.S. government.

Gamer chicks

Cultural Marxism.

Dice inserted somewhere painful.

Lesbian stripper ninjas.

Dividing by zero.



BLACK CARD - PICK 1

This new ____ isn't very good.

Sometimes ___ is better when you least suspect it.

Victory often rests on ____ being in the right place and at the right time.

Once in a great while mankind unlocks a secret so profound that our future is altered forever. Fire, electricity,____.

My innovative new RPG has a stat for___.

A true gamer has no problem with __________.

____: The Storytelling Game

"_____" is like saying "Hello" in Japan

You start with 1D4____ points.

____ Was also stolen by the white man.

___ is fun for the entire family.

Big Eyes, Small _____


BLACK CARD - PICK 2

____ For the ___ God! ___ for the ___ throne!

Only ___ can cooperate. __ can only beg.
User
BLACK CARDS

For the convention I cosplayed as Sailor Moon, except with ____.

The worst part of Grave of the Fireflies is all the ____.

In the Evangelion remake, Shinji has to deal with ____.

You evaded my ____ attack. Most impressive.

The magical girl found the Power of Love useless against ____.

No harem anime is complete without ____.

The new thing in Japan is fetish cafes where you can see girls dressed up as ____.

Alignment: Chaotic____.

D&D 4.0 isn't real D&D because of the ____.

Worst character concept ever: ___, but with ____.

Pathfinder is basically D&D with ____.

In the grim darkness of the future there is only ___.

Somehow they made a cute mascot out of ___.

You are all at a tavern when ___ approaches you.



WHITE CARDS

Horny catgirls.

Japanese people.

Body Pillows

A lifelike silicon love doll.

Anime figures fdrenched in jizz.

Suprise sex.

Girls with glasses.

DeviantArt

4Chan

Lovingly animated bouncing boobs.

Exchanging Poky for sexual favors.

A natural 20.

Pissing on Gary Gygax's grave.

Grinding levels.

White privilege.

Bribing the GM with sexual favors.

Euro-centric fantasy.

Nude LARPing.

Steampunk bullshit.

Dump stats.

Spoilers.

Another dimension.

Fangirls

Consensual tentacle rape.

40 gigs of hentai.
User
WHITE CARDS:

The most intimate details for your life.

Rhythmic pounding

Inviting the cops!

The year of the cat.

Befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind!

35-year-old high school students

FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!

A van down by the river.

One night in Bangkok.

A planet where apes evolved from men.

A GODDAMN SEXASAURUS REX!

The rusted chassis of a '68 Impala!

Slash and burn shaving.

A finely sculpted buttocks.

Chocolate chip juice.

Hula hoops and dungarees.

Wall-mounted keyboards.

A madhouse! A madhouse!

MY SKULL!

My judo bikini

Huge Angular Red Marshmallows.

Skeet Kendo

Solid balsawood, baby!

A battalion of ruthless killer cyborgs.

Vietnam War 2.

Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers

Ultimate test of cerebral fitness.

A healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast.

The battle between good and evil.

Giant Puppet Invasion!

Countrytime Pink Lemonade

Buns of Steel videos.

An electron sex party.

The "World of Barnacles" exhibit.

A respected neurosurgeon!

A three room Japanese apartment.

Noble band of choreographers.

The Roji-Panty Complex.



BLACK CARDS:

Between the time of ___ and the rise of ___, there was an age undreamed of.

If ___ is sure to result in victory, then you must fight.

This will turn you into ___

Whaddya know — we aren't at war with ____.

Men should not have___.

Put ___ in your mouth and clap your hands.

Attention, people of Earth! This is ____speaking!

Arrgh! Sixteen men on ___!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that ___ is in danger.

____ is useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway.

Your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with___

How dare you insult my knowledge of___!

Have you been shaving ___ with this again?

At the end of the day, as long as there's two people left on the planet, someone's going to want___.

___ Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one!

That's not ___. THIS, is ___.

___? Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care.

There is only one rule in ____. ____!

____ said no one ever.

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me___.

Be honest with us. ___ really gets your blood going.

Back to the rusting septic system of this____.

Its like a ___. You don't want to stare, but you cant look away.

It's ___ that that Yeats spoke of.

___ The President's unimaginative campaign slogan.

You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? ____ and all that jazz?

That is not a woman! That's___!

My job is to keep ____ on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it!

___. . . it must be the future!

You know how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make ____

Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially____.

___ stars as ___ in this years most thrilling, action packed, cyber adventure.

I'm starting to agree with the Taliban militia: ___ should not be allowed.

There is three kinds of ___. Those who seek strength. Those who live for pride. And those who are___.

___ has become a killing word.

The only thing needed for ___ to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

Now is not the time for ___. That comes later.

Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of ___.

One town's very like another when your head's down over ___, brother

Does the Coast Guard have a lot of use for___?

Every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on ___ and ___...

Alright ___ , you're up. Make us proud.

___ makes a hard man humble.

You are ___ compared to me!

I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself with ____.

These names are all Russian for____.

So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is____.

When ___ is in ashes, you have my permission to die.

You didn't think you were the only one? ___ was the first ___.

This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to ___.

If ___ were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape!

Life is short. Life is hard. Life is like ____

The KGB has ___under surveillance!

Whoa! I didn't think they had many ____ left in Narnia!


I am judge, jury, and ___.

What if ___ was the best a man could get?

Huh, would you look at that: ____! Even had it underlined!

Hey, I'm experiencing___, and frankly... I LOVE IT!

I hope ___ didn't land on ____ in the front yard.

This ____ can be yours if The Price is Right!

This movie is just ___ and asses!

___ in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!

I get my ___above the waistline, sunshine!

Typical Irishmen, bringing ____ to a car fight!

Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to ___.

Throughout human history, ____ has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
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So, I was poking around the source code for the official webpage of the People's Democratic Republic of Korea, like you do, and discovered a ridiculous number of <strong> HTML tags stacked on top of each other.



Apparently North Korea's one web designer has no indoor voice.

Check it out for yourself. Yes, it's a .com. Apparently .com stands for communism, or something like that: http://www.korea-dpr.com/
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I'm really digging this; apparently there's a Star Wars fan currently working on a Star Wars anime. A short clip of it was leaked on the interwebs and some music and sound effects were added to it. Reminiscent in feeling to the intro to Star Wars: Tie Fighter, this short 2 minute sample has more heart and soul in it than all of Lucas' prequel trilogy combined.

Sick vid
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This is pretty much how Steve Settem taught history at SHS.


Sick vid
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I always thought that the Clone Wars were a small, but notable, regional conflict fought using clones (just like a nuclear war is a war fought using nukes), while the Kessel Run always sounded like some sort of illegal yet highly lauded space race of some sort, perhaps through a very hazardous chunk of space.


What did you think the colored badges on the Imperial uniforms mean, or how did they work? As a kid, I deduced that they were some kind of rank insignia, but I always figured that the not just number of squares, but color determined seniority

(Blue < Red < Yellow)

I remember seeing similar markings on Boba Fett’s armor (which was the same shade of green as the Imperial Army troops on Endor), and started to wonder if his was ex-imperial special forces or something.


What made the Empire evil, and the Rebel Alliance heroic? Sure the rebels were outnumbered underdogs, but the Empire is only as evil as we're supposed to believe they are. We're supposed to root for the Rebels because we're told the Empire is evil. Obviously the people at the top (The Emperor, Vader, Tarkin, the circle of assclowns running the Death Star) are pretty evil and out and out dicks at times, but in function, the Rebels are a bunch of crazy diehard terrorists trying to bring back an old, failed regime, because they don't believe the current one has any right to rule.

"The Academy" was pretty clearly Imperial flight school. Luke wanted to be a fighter pilot and his family kept having him work the farm. He had no idea the Empire was evil, nor any grudge against them, until Stormtroopers killed his family and burned his farm. Hell, most of the people in the Empire aren't evil, and don’t seem to mind the Empire, aside from paying taxes and such.

Oddly enough, most people don't seem to really remember the Republic, though they have heard of the Clone Wars (though there's nothing in the films describing that conflict, much less connecting it to the downfall of the Republic).



Pertaining to the Jedi, I always pictured them as a much smaller organization, more private, with one-on-one training, and "knights" doing whatever they thought was right, sort of like wuxia-style "errant knight" badasses, not tied to the formal power structures but held to defend ideals of peace and freedom. Yeah, Kenobi was a general, but he wasn't a general because he was a Jedi, he was just a good strategist and an all around badass.



Some Imperial jerkoff taunting Vader in Episode 4, stating: "Your sad devotion to that ancient Jedi religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes."

Always made me think that the Jedi ‘religion’ was actually an ancient dying religion that maybe 5 people in the whole galaxy even knew about or remembered.

Speaking of this scene, I always though that there was more of a story between Vader and Tarkin: Vader never answered to anyone save the Emperor, and apparently Tarkin.
When Vader was force-choking General douchebag , Tarkin commanded Vader to stay his hand. Maybe Vader’s heart just want into it, but considering how coldly Vader offs people for displeasing him, he appears to act all to quickly to Tarkin’s request.

Consider Tarkin's candid dialogue with Vader later on: “The Jedi are extinct. Their fire has gone out of the universe. You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion.”

Based on the line delivery in the film, Tarkin appears to actually use the word ‘friend’ to mean just that. It isn’t sarcastic or biting, but almost warm. It always felt like those two had a history, like they were good friends in the past, and that Tarkin was instrumental to turning Anakin to the Dark Side. Perhaps something like Anakin Sklywalker wanted to show mercy to some enemies in the Clone Wars or something and save them. And Tarkin, a cold-hearted pragmatists, point out to him that “We’re at war and letting the enemy live endangers the Republic. Destroy them!” This could have been one of many events that caused a crisis of conscience, while Tarkin could have been there to help pull Anakin down the dark path, the quick and easy path. Thus Anakin would be performing darkside acts, all the while thinking he is helping the Republic. An act acceptable for a non-force user but for a Jedi a very dangerous act to follow.

It also seam like Tarkin did right by Vader at some point, maybe even saving his life, to explain why Vader listened to and respected him.
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So, I was reading on the 4chan’s /tg/ that someone was aiming to run a Star Wars RPG campaign based solely on the original trilogy, while more or less ignoring the prequels and expanded universe.

I found this idea to be rather intriguing, since it takes us back to our childhood before we knew all the nitty-gritty details about Star Wars, and used our vivid imaginations to explain these elaborate space serials.

So I’m asking everyone to dredge up their childhood memories, and partake in a show and tell. Remember, these are assumptions and conjectures based on what is seen and heard in the original trilogy films. All answers are valid, and everything is up for speculation.


When you first heard about "the Clone Wars" and "the Kessel Run", what came to mind?

What were the Jedi to you? How many were there? How did they operate?

What did you think the colored badges on the Imperial uniforms mean, or how did they work?

What made the Empire evil, and the Rebel Alliance heroic? And why?

How old was the Empire?

Why did the good guys have red lasers and the bad guys have green lasers?
Truck
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On a related note, I WANT THIS PAINTING!

Sick vid
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NatureJay said:
It's the fact that we can't believe


Oh ye of little faith.
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What? It only took me, like, 10 minutes. Tops.

The gauntlet has been thrown down. Will you accept the challenge?
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One of many short stupid ideas dreamt up by Aaronjer for a glorious new project. I know he can do better, but this is just to get the ball rolling.

Sick vid
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They did it. They finally really did it...

Sick vid

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Resurrectotruck activated!

Requesting the very best build for a Bowazon from the attoberry.
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Hotter than her mom by a factor of 10. I guess she gets her good looks from [PLAYER CHARACTER NAME HERE].
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the_cloud_system said:
ugly ol bitch.


I know. Right?
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Sick vid



. . .
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superjer said:


Wizard Long-legs is LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!
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aaronjer said:
Also, I'm not at all okay with people intentionally wearing ineffective outfits to a fight.


Sick vid
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NatureJay said:
Seems more like cheesecake to me


Yeah, but the Urban Dictionary justifies the joke.
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You're right. Needs more fighting stance.

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Very good, McCloud. You win a cookie. AN INTERNET BROWSER COOKIE!

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Try again, Skippy.
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Demanding overly-elaborate walking animation.
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Also, Superjer is climbing a mountain. Why is he climbing a mountain?

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Aaronjer and I assaulted the Western face of Tiger Tits.
On the way up there was a few scenic stop offs .



But once we got to the top…



We could see jack shit.

The only thing there was this bird.



I guess it was the mountain guardian, but it wouldn’t grant us any wishes or impart any wisdom via zen-like riddles.

Fucking birds.
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the_cloud_system said:

Tab 1: www.rainymood.com/
Tab 2: endlessvideo.com/watch?v=HMnrl0tmd3k
Tab 3: endlessvideo.com/watch?v=DIx3aMRDUL4

play them all

classy.bat



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Sick vid


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Sick vid


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Sick vid
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My next project....

Sick vid
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the_cloud_system said:
MY EYES!!!! who is wcx? they tell me to build the bridge to suthlands...



Yo.
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A declaration to new journeymen in the world of Minecraft:

New Castleton, Aletsburg, Garyville, Rockopolis and Commiegrad are all incorporated nations of the Superjer Confederacy, and thus sovereign territory. They will not stand for people building snow igloos in their front yards without written consent from the landholder.

In requests for suitable landholding, Lord Atto Jeremy Wilson the III Esq. has proclaimed opening in the Landsraad toward the far north and south of New Castleton

Adventuring pioneers whom wish to contribute to the goals of the Confederacy may travel to Midway Station and Red Base beyond it, which lay many days travel to the west.



Also, on a related side note, you damn kids need to start closing door. Not only is it running up the heating bill, but creepers have a tendency to wander inside, get spoke by a pig in the window, and detonate violently. Violators will be violently cornholed by Superjer, or superholed by Cornjer. This is all.
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bb said:
Tyrannical tree-huggers are brainwashing you so they can revive eugenics and create a Master Race of Prius-driving hippie super soldiers.



AWSOME!!!!
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$H()GUN said:
*sigh* starwars freaks are among us. I need scissors! 61!


These days the cast of Star Wars suffer from some serious attitude problems ,
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Clearly you should battle cruiser rush
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superjer said:

I still like co-op better than versus. Versus is more ha-ha fun and campaign is more holy-shit fun.


Took the words out of my mouth. Give them back this instant!

Also Astrojams, I will take up the gun and the cricket bat in the quest for badass completion. Just give the word and I’m all over it.
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*Divides by zero*
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I think maybe we trade then.

How does 2 Quietus missiles and 5 stookie stakes sound?
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the_cloud_system said:
hes chocolate man now?



*Cue stars whirring past and lightning flashing.*

Duh-nah duh Dun-nah! Duh-nah duh Dun-nah! Duh-nun-dun!! Duh-nun-dun!! Dun-dun-dunnah-nah!!!

CHOCOLATE MAN

*Superjer strikes a pose*
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Sick vid


This has to be the most hateful, most impossible version of Super Mario Brothers, ever.




Truck
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Well, we all thought that Archer was dead in a ditch somewhere.

I guess we were wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2mYY2dwq94&feature=related
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Well, I think I speak for a lot of people when I say that it isn't summer anymore.

The transition between summer and winter, known colloquially as
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the_cloud_system said:

i'm sad now....



wat do?
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D
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Yes, a guy with a breast fetish has the hots for a proto-avian species.

Srsly, WTF?
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Ever since I was a wee lad, I have had a love of the strange animals we know as dinosaurs. Granted this affair has been put on the back burner in later years, but its still there.

So naturally I sat up and took notice last night when a 60 minutes story proclaimed a serendipitous miracle of miracles.

You should watch this video for more information:
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=5658449n

But long story short, we may have got our hands on some of the dinosaur genome, and with it, the ability to recreate a dinosaur (or a dino-like creature).
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Down Rodeo said:
I find English to be a very interesting language simply for the vast number of influences it has had on it. And I know what you mean NatureJay, every day I spend on the internet makes me feel that little bit more stupid. I've taken up reading again in an attempt to reverse the trend (it's surprising, since I did I've noticed my spelling, once pretty damn good, latterly a bit more crap, pick up again). That was a tortuous parenthetic statement, wasn't it?


I recall with some astonishment when I learned that I was the only student in my English class (during my High school / community college days) that didn
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Da-shiang bao-tza shr duh lah doo-tze!!
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Which means that, when you look at the Indo-European family tree of languages, Anglo-Frisian and French are cousins, and their redneck inbred baby is English.

This, and the ton of loanwords from every where under the sun explain why English is such a fantastic and fucked up language.

English mainly came about from the rich French-speaking royalty having their kids raised by Germanic-speaking peasantry, so the kids where bilingual, and then some.
I find curious parallels playing out before our eyes today with rich WASPs having their kids raised by Spanish-speaking immigrants from Latin America. Food for thought.
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the_cloud_system said:


Wait for it...












Wait for it...
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the_cloud_system said:
DaveDays said:
Mate de Vita said:
sprinkles said:
Sloth said:
sprinkles said:
the_cloud_system said:
aaronjer said:
Zarathustra said:
Down Rodeo said:
[quote=DaveDays said:
Mate de Vita said:
sprinkles said:
Sloth said:
sprinkles said:
the_cloud_system said:
aaronjer said:
Zarathustra said:
Down Rodeo said:
said:
Sloth said:
Mate de Vita said:
Sloth said:
Mate de Vita said:
Sloth said:
Crytax said:
sprinkles said:
DaveDays said:
sprinkles said:
NatureJay said:
sprinkles said:
Sloth said:

lol

;1942]
Sloth said:
Mate de Vita said:
Sloth said:
Mate de Vita said:
Sloth said:
Crytax said:
sprinkles said:
DaveDays said:
sprinkles said:
NatureJay said:
sprinkles said:
Sloth said:

lol



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sprinkles said:
DaveDays said:
sprinkles said:
NatureJay said:
sprinkles said:
Sloth said:
All braise Sloth!

All braise Sloth!





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This band confuses me. Are they arraigned to represent a giant ant, like some kind of living Nazca line drawing?

Truck
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OOOOOOOOR You could just...say
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the_cloud_system said:
times nine thousand

More than likely over said number
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NatureJay said:
Zarathustra said:
Crytax
He could also speak seven languages, but unfortunately, he was disliked in all those countries.


It was my understanding that he spoke seven languages and all of them were dead, in part by his own hand.


Well, I had to get seven new languages, you know, after the other ones passed on
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Havokk Edge said:
From Homeslice stories.I hear you like to watch star trek on the shitter.


Much like these.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U94JkVAUf2c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4HMCCspbUE

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Havokk Edge said:
Oh......

Ya shes hot...but her boobs are so big they are unattractive..



That, sir, is your opinion and you are welcome to it. But STFU.

Also, CONTRIBUTE TO THE CONVERSATION OR I WILL FIRE YOU OUT OF A CANNON INTO THE SUN!
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(Click for image)

Those poor elf chicks are in desperate need of some sweet, sweet lovin
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eDan Co. said:





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Havokk, perhaps?
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eDan Co. said:







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NatureJay said:
Whenever I look at maps, I keep trying to find countries that aren't there anymore.


I know. I miss Yugoslavia.

Perhaps someday science can resurrect old Tito to end the madness once and for all.


Also, you should probably be prepared for the future:
http://zombie.wikia.com/wiki/Battle_of_Yonkers
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Update!
Check out the trailer to Aaronjer
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I hate you Superjer.
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DaveDays said:
wow... that um... that was quite a mouthful.


That's what 'she' said. 'She' being your mother.
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Here you go, Attoberious.



I traded it for some old baseball card. Think it was Honus Wagner or something like that. Whatever.


NJ, I always thought that Newark was just a lazy/retarded way of saying New York. But then again, I see anything east of the Rockies as
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AW SNAP!
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Yes.
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But the important thing is that you ripped faces off in order to check for circuitry.
I periodically do this to people I meet.
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Actually, New Jersey, I have one of those in my room right now!

I
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Please. I
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molkman said:
I'm glad Barack Yomama won, though.


It
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Did something just happen?

(Click for image)

Why yes it did.

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(Click for image)

If you can look at this image without either laughing hysterically or screaming in terror, then you
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Ok. I might as well post some Cats to save this sinking truck.






Birdbird! What have you done to Maomao?! I swear to Bast that you
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Hint: NO.
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Masta Frank said:
hey i was just wondering why css shutdown when i try to play italy.


Because the Confederate States have disbanded?
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Down Rodeo said:
Wouldn't we assume that Ganon would have taken the crown? Saying that, I forsee a quest to retrieve said item.


Actually, Ganon just wanted Zelda
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It
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aaronjer said:
I used Crytax's butt shape, I liked it more than mine.


Thank you. I like my butt too.
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eDan Co. said:
...assfuck!

Time to Squeeeeeeeeeeal like a pig!


Uh. Zelda.

The picture with her ass looks a little weird mostly because stockings like those usually only go about mid-thigh, while the picture makes it look like they go up to her cheeks.


I
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Double wrong. And I can prove it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDlTS-mlJAA
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Something has bugged me since I first saw the Ridley Scott's 2000 film
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Just as you finally crush the French and smack the Germans down, these assholes have to show up and make your life a carnival of trouble.

(Click for image)
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Trapped in an existential quandary of self loathing and doubt via the categorical imperative, holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination.
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How about now?
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CornJer said:
An empathetic psychopath? Or a narcissistic bully?


I though we weren
Truck
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Look what I found.

http://www.ironsky.net/

Apparently the film is currently in pre-production, thus the trailer don
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The Belkan War is shrouded in mystery.
Everyone is a hero, and a villain.
And no one knows who is the victim, and who is the aggressor.
And what is peace?



Er, sorry, I seem to have slipped into Ace Combat Zero for a second there.

Here we go:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sri_Lankan_civil_war

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tamil_Tigers

While the Tamil Tigers have done enough to make themselves into villains, both sides seem to be total jerks, with the Tamil
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CornJer said:
The irony is appealing.


Fixed.

Ah, it brings to mind Aaronjer’s wild GLA Terrorist Flyin’ Machine.

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While I am tempted to scream the sacred blessing of
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yGFRi_ueq-M&feature=related

This is an old clip of Inside Edition (circa 1988) about Nintendo
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http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/297383

aaronjer said:
I try to ignore the story in MGS games. I just can't take it seriously. None of the characters seem like people and most of their actions and motivations don't make any fucking sense.


That is because you fail to take into account Hideo Kojima
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What is your favorite act(s) in Diablo 2?

-Act I: The Sightless Eye
-Act II: The Secret of the Vizjerei
-Act III: The Infernal Gate
-Act IV: The Harrowing
-Act V: Lord of Destruction
-Cow Level! RAWR!

The reasoning can be anything and everything: the colors, the music, the quests, NPCs, or just the towns.
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aaronjer said:
Remember, there's a hidden meaning behind the lyrics and if you find out what it is you'll get a prize!


The secret is Diablo 2.
If you play this song while going to Tristram in Nightmare, then it all makes sense.



Like listening to Pink Floyd
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Down Rodeo said:
Man it's already been like ten hours since that ran out. I was really expecting buttocks. (No Havokk no.)


You know, upon reflecting on your post, I wonder: What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?


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Not even Superjer, and we all know what a huge blabbermouth that thing is.








OH SHI-!
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aaronjer said:




. . . . . o
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xXJigsaw23Xx said:
well i see [yo]ur point but i just dont feel like n[a]ming composers [?] its easier for me to remember bands [,] dont ask [wh]y [be]cause i dont know


Hmm. I wonder why...

Also, Devo is the only band ever. All else are smoke and lies.
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Havokk Edge said:
I think we need something for new people.Like a General secion for Noobies.and they can ask what ever about the site there.

I agree with cornjer.Make the site black.
But each thread a Diff color[...]


You will be happy to know that Superweb.jer will be taking some notes from the Americans.


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Havokk Edge said:
even jackoff to my hentai?when i take a shower?..and when i stare at girls hot asses at school?


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Havokk Edge said:
WORDS!


Keanu \ke(a)-nu\

Pronounced kay-AH-noo, kee-AH-noo.

A boy's name of Hawaiian origin, meaning "the breeze" or "cool breeze".






Also, there is no excuse for Keanu Reeves. Absolutely none.
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EdAn said:
I heard he's so tough, he has a third fist in his beard.


Those allegations can be neither confirmed nor denied by the D.O.D.

So you best be forgetting this nation
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OH SHIT! Its you again!
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I think this picture speaks for itself.
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aaronjer said:


I suppose the same thing could be said of Cloverfield, though by comparison it was a superior product than most of the crap Hollywood squeezes out.
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Forget American involvement, all you need is Rosarita Cisneros.



The "Bloodhound of Florencia" will lay waste to all in her path, as Aaronjer will testify.
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Here's some screen shots of KK's little game.






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*With a French accent* We can only speculate.
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Hey guys, exciting news!
I just finished a mod for the game. It
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[Insert Drum Shot] *BA-DA-BUMP. TING*
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AKA ME!
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True story.

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I die twice every time I sneeze
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-------------------------------------------------------
Who was the last person you....

1. You hung out with? Garyjer.


2. Rode in a car with? My mom?


3. Went to the movies with? I think that would be my dad.


4. You went to the mall with? Also, my mom.


6. You talked on the phone to? Uh. Aaronjer?


7. Made you laugh? Aaronjer.


W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?

1. Pierce your nose or tongue? Why do I have to chose? I guess there are worse places to have a piercing. It sort of makes me wonder about that 23rd commandment: "Thow shall not pierce vital areas of the body!"

2. Be serious or be funny? When I
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"aaronjer" said:
Yeah, we here at SJ.com value morality above all things I was making him look bad by labeling him as a "playa." His reputation took such a bad hit that none of the SJ.com nuns will even speak to him anymore.


Some people call me a Space Cowboy
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"NatureJay" said:
...a few MB builds ago aaronjer changed [Crytax's] title to "I have three vaginas."


Actually, the reference was the poon in my possession at the time (i.e., three fly honeys at my disposal).

Just FYI.
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IT
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DOWN KITTY! DOWN!!!
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And how.
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Survivalist goon and his hick friends (and Kevin Bacon) are killed by Graboids.

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Looks like dburnell's got about two minutes at best before Ilor finished pumping his Shoutgun-9000.




I
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ZING!
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Aaronjer is all like:

[PREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!]
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That worked for me.
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Truck
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"Big Poop" said:
WTf why do you keep deleting my posts!!!!!


OWNED!!!
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"Big Poop" said:
big poop

I think the Big Poo would make a better power-DOWN IMO, sort of like the classic poison mushrooms.
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ZING!

OWNED!!
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Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation.
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FINISHED!

May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle. The M12-LRV!

It has 4 inch armor plating, Mag Bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three.

I like to call it the Warthog.
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Right, because dburnell knows about being a bitch.
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Who are you?
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SCORE!