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Posts written by Nezumi:



User
The screams of the dead
np

In New York, a new law went into effect making it legal to buy the screams of the dead from dispensaries.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put the screams of the dead in the pillows.
I’m the screams of the dead in the streets, but a clumsy lesbian in the sheets.
Scorpions can shed the screams of the dead in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
The White House will no longer enforce The The Screams of the Dead Act of 1959. Thank God.
Life Hack: use Band-Aids to stick the screams of the dead to your family photo.



The screams of the damned
np

I can’t shake the feeling there’s always the screams of the damned just around the corner.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Dust Cloud Does the Screams of the Damned.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with the reason this happened went off early, ejecting the screams of the damned into the air!
Little girls are made of sugar, spice, and the screams of the damned.
The last wish of a dying man can wear down the screams of the damned, which gradually decreases effectiveness.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be deals while I’m the screams of the damned!

User
A panicked flap towards the ocean
v

The TSA has made new rules mandating a panicked flap towards the ocean on every commercial flight.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a panicked flap towards the ocean?
I didn’t mean to start a panicked flap towards the ocean, it just happened!
At the winery tour we saw how they put this very house and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like a panicked flap towards the ocean.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was a panicked flap towards the ocean and tried to attack it.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a panicked flap towards the ocean.

User
A centaur with an assault rifle
n

I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a centaur with an assault rifle
In this game you get to collect llama spit and craft a centaur with an assault rifle.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is a centaur with an assault rifle.
My pharmacist separated a happy ending at a low price into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a centaur with an assault rifle.
The shockwave from a sex-addicted panda at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused a centaur with an assault rifle in the streets.
I accidentally dropped a centaur with an assault rifle in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.

User
A symbiotic alien that lives in your pee-hole
np

I heard you were talking about A symbiotic alien that lives in your pee-hole so I had to come over!
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw A symbiotic alien that lives in your pee-hole for the first time!
Sir! We are out of A symbiotic alien that lives in your pee-hole, but we found a damned soul while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
A salesman came to the door selling A symbiotic alien that lives in your pee-hole. I didn’t open. He slid “forensic evidence” (semen) under the door.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is A symbiotic alien that lives in your pee-hole.
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had A symbiotic alien that lives in your pee-hole removed so she can live a normal life.

User
Intensive brain conditioning
vt

Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about intensive brain conditioning.
Last time I went in a rest stop bathroom there were some guys in there intensive brain conditioning. Gross.
When I get older, I don’t want to be intensive brain conditioning.
There is no revenge so complete as intensive brain conditioning.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like intensive brain conditioning.
Intensive brain conditioning in the hand is worth two in the bush.

User
either/or

The ziggurat
n

The weirdest thing about the ziggurat is that sometimes even girls have the ziggurat.
During routine surgery, the doctors found the ziggurat embedded in my abdomen.
In a world with a child muzzle popping out of the ground, one man must overcome the ziggurat. Coming this summer.
In the first Battle of the Ziggurat he faced an injection, and with one great blow he split them in half.
The ziggurat is always a contest when I’m involved.
We can be the ziggurat. And no one has to know.



The temple atop a ziggurat
n

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am murdering everyone who is different from you. Would you like to try our new special, the temple atop a ziggurat?
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into the temple atop a ziggurat, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start a child drowning in a vat of molasses.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of the temple atop a ziggurat.
The city put in new road signs to indicate the temple atop a ziggurat just up ahead.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “the temple atop a ziggurat,” with a picture of a humiliated animal.
I thought I was alone with the temple atop a ziggurat but my mom walked in. We got to letting her in and I felt better.

User
A medieval siege engine
n

Help! I’m a medieval siege engine and I need YOU to do something about it!
I think a lot of people would pay to see a medieval siege engine.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a medieval siege engine.”
Dad! I’m all done breaking a promise, so I have a medieval siege engine left over if you’re still interested.
The weirdest thing about a medieval siege engine is that sometimes even girls have a medieval siege engine.
We’re having a loading screen situation. Watch out for a medieval siege engine and please stand by...

User
The blood of live crabs
n

There’s always time for the blood of live crabs before breakfast.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with the blood of live crabs went off early, ejecting you and me into the air!
10% of all proceeds from sales of the blood of live crabs will go to The Truck Stop Sex Foundation.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had the blood of live crabs destroyed and shame killed as well.
No one in Morocco can be the blood of live crabs without registering with the government.
Honey, you can’t keep putting the blood of live crabs down the garbage disposal!

User
A sea cucumber can eject  {s} from the anus in self-defense.

A sea cucumber can eject a slut who will do anything from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject a ceremonial ribbon from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject the Dutch oven from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject my murder list from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject a scissor session from the anus in self-defense.



Sticky filaments
np

10% of all proceeds from sales of sticky filaments will go to The Raping an Entire Family Including the Dog Foundation.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into sticky filaments! She’s 62!
Although moving away from sticky filaments proved effective for schools, the switch to another way in initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with sticky filaments! It’s all here in my manifesto!
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a backdoor woman, with sticky filaments around the edges, and bodily fluids on top.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with sticky filaments.

User
The Country Bear Jamboree
n

My religion demands that I must abstain from The Country Bear Jamboree. Being ashamed of your nakedness however, is OK.
The truly rich have mansions with The Country Bear Jamboree room, the black president room, and servants to handle an exploitative sex tape.
Chase bank is giving out The Country Bear Jamboree this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
I’m ghosts who don’t know what they’re doing today because tomorrow I’ll be over-encumbered with The Country Bear Jamboree.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy The Country Bear Jamboree that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Let’s wait for a made up racial slur to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get The Country Bear Jamboree.

User
A breeding population of cat girls
n

I got a breeding population of cat girls as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with almost no air left?
A breeding population of cat girls is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just being an overweight bitch. Sorry.
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and a breeding population of cat girls.
Monopoly: Pity Edition comes with a breeding population of cat girls and Mom’s face instead of houses and hotels.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only my murder list and a breeding population of cat girls.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a breeding population of cat girls and it’s getting weird.

User
Alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler
n

Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler to treat Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster)!
Help! I’m alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler and I need YOU to do something about it!
Taco Bell® is the spice of alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler.
In some households, they’ve trained alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler to use the potty.
Alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler! Alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler! My kingdom for alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler!
I pushed hard enough to snap alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler, but some powerful kind of cough syrup was blocking the door.

User
My father made a living selling  {x}, he supported our whole family with that income.

My father made a living selling a bunch of kids, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling a creepy dude, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling alcohol, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling pubes, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling nipple placement, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling a cheesy substance, he supported our whole family with that income.

User
My whole 5th grade class
nc

I like my women like I like my whole 5th grade class: getting slathered with pandering to the normies.
Vote for me and I’ll stop taking a flying leap, get rid of real, actual witchcraft, and give everyone my whole 5th grade class for free.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in my whole 5th grade class.
My religion demands that I must abstain from my whole 5th grade class. A touch however, is OK.
For Halloween we’re peeling my whole 5th grade class so it feels like eyeballs, and we made distended tubes so it feels like brains.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? My whole 5th grade class.

User
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for   and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.

The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for any decent person and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for a frantic woman and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for my beautiful, transgender father and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for snake jizz and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for boiling water and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for shitting glitter and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.



Maybe a little wordy...
User
A Victorian dildo
n

I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a Victorian dildo.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: a Victorian dildo.
I’m late to my meeting for a Victorian dildo.
My wife printed me a certifcate for a Victorian dildo. I’m excited for tonight!
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Victorian Dildo” syndrome!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all a Victorian dildo when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!

User
An experimental humanoid
n

Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me an experimental humanoid and it’s getting weird.
Making the best cookies requires my evil little body and an experimental humanoid.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was an experimental humanoid.
I noticed symptoms of crashing out of a window, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s an experimental humanoid!” but I’m not sure.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing an experimental humanoid is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Last Christmas, everyone got zoo smell under the tree and an experimental humanoid in their stockings!

User
Please step into the interrogation cubicle. You'll notice that I have   on the counter. I think you know why.

Please step into the interrogation cubicle. You'll notice that I have empty space on the counter. I think you know why.
Please step into the interrogation cubicle. You'll notice that I have a dick out on the counter. I think you know why.
Please step into the interrogation cubicle. You'll notice that I have your husband on the counter. I think you know why.
Please step into the interrogation cubicle. You'll notice that I have the moron I hired to kill you on the counter. I think you know why.
Please step into the interrogation cubicle. You'll notice that I have not another leopard on the counter. I think you know why.
Please step into the interrogation cubicle. You'll notice that I have existential ennui on the counter. I think you know why.

User
A deep resonating thump sound
n

In prison we used to cook a deep resonating thump sound in the toilet.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a deep resonating thump sound.
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s a deep resonating thump sound.
During my driving test, I backed my car into a deep resonating thump sound. I still got an 85!
The best comfort food will always be greens, a deep resonating thump sound, and fried chicken.
Always walk into an interview with a deep resonating thump sound and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a succulent jumbo prawn.

User
A sturdy set of pelvis clamps
n

My kids keep installing a sturdy set of pelvis clamps on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a sturdy set of pelvis clamps.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw compost flavor and then a sturdy set of pelvis clamps flavor.
If you do it right, carefully removing my skeleton is all about a sturdy set of pelvis clamps.
My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti A-sturdy-set-of-pelvis-clamps-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and a carefully contained fart.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with a sturdy set of pelvis clamps slowly overtaking the buildings.

User
Fun and games
np

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for fun and games.
There’s always time for fun and games before breakfast.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy fun and games from dispensaries.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me fun and games and it’s getting weird.
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s fun and games straddled by ionizing radiation.
What were you doing in here? I keep finding fun and games between the couch cushions.

User
Santa's dungeon
nc

Come on down to Golden Corral™ for Santa's dungeon.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in Santa's dungeon!
Making the best cookies requires laser sounds and Santa's dungeon.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found Santa's dungeon.
I think that ecstasy was cut with Santa's dungeon. After one hit I began very, very rapidly blocking the exit.
We’re having it to come out the other end situation. Watch out for Santa's dungeon and please stand by...

User
My "roommate"
nc

In this 15th century painting, a squealing 4-year-old is represented by a man with my "roommate" for a head.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, my "roommate"... Sweet! Sunny-D!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began my "roommate".
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with my "roommate". So bring you and me.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in ribs. That’s supposed to help me with my "roommate"?!
My "roommate" from the Ohio county fair to be destroyed due to infection.

User
A local pervert
n

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a local pervert is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw a local pervert for the first time!
You can’t keep running around like a little spurt, you’re endangering a local pervert!
I beat a local pervert all the time!
In public restrooms I always put a local pervert on the toilet before sitting down.
Dagnabbit! I got a local pervert all jammed up in the wheel well again.

User
A passionate kiss in the torpedo bay
n

I got into my car and sat on a passionate kiss in the torpedo bay. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had females with four teats destroyed and a passionate kiss in the torpedo bay killed as well.
While I was out the Roomba got into a passionate kiss in the torpedo bay and was wearing John Travolta’s face.
If you’re interested in my services, email me at: cuddling@a-passionate-kiss-in-the-torpedo-bay.biz
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a passionate kiss in the torpedo bay in the soil.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a passionate kiss in the torpedo bay.

User
The ancient Sumerian god called Ereshkigal
n

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate the ancient Sumerian god called Ereshkigal.
The ancient Sumerian god called Ereshkigal is the only way to say goodbye.
You evaded my “The Ancient Sumerian God Called Ereshkigal” attack! Most impressive.
This land is organic porpoise semen land, this land is the ancient Sumerian god called Ereshkigal land.
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were the ancient Sumerian god called Ereshkigal?
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re the ancient Sumerian god called Ereshkigal and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.



Ereshkigal, the ancient Sumerian goddess of the underworld
n

Sir, you have a phone call. Something about Ereshkigal, the ancient Sumerian goddess of the underworld?
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find Ereshkigal, the ancient Sumerian goddess of the underworld.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with Ereshkigal, the ancient Sumerian goddess of the underworld!”
I’ll never know why my grandparents find Ereshkigal, the ancient Sumerian goddess of the underworld so relaxing.
Don’t leave the door open! Ereshkigal, the ancient Sumerian goddess of the underworld will get in.
Ereshkigal, the ancient Sumerian goddess of the underworld is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.

User
Vladimir Lenin's mummy
nc

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in Vladimir Lenin's mummy.
How high do you have to be to put Vladimir Lenin's mummy on a wondrous, splendifirous little thing?
Doing your best and trying your hardest with Vladimir Lenin's mummy is a uniquely British problem.
Vladimir Lenin's mummy can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
When I think South America, I feel Vladimir Lenin's mummy.
Vladimir Lenin's mummy slowly began to open and someone yelled, “It’s accepting us!”

User
An actual bone penis
n

Honey, you can’t keep putting an actual bone penis down the garbage disposal!
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking an actual bone penis onto the International Space Station.
In public restrooms I always put an actual bone penis on the toilet before sitting down.
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced an actual bone penis with a reception area for social events.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was an actual bone penis.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into an actual bone penis! She’s 62!

User
Daddy's little grandpa
nc

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “daddy's little grandpa”.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with daddy's little grandpa.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use competitive masturbation to treat daddy's little grandpa!
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing daddy's little grandpa at cars and passers-by.
Chewing on cars like a giant titanium allosaurus with daddy's little grandpa is a uniquely British problem.
Ever since the incident with daddy's little grandpa I’ve been haunted by a pig on top.

User
My fragile naked pink body
nc

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: My Fragile Naked Pink Body Blast!
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in my fragile naked pink body.
I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will tickle my fragile naked pink body.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on my fragile naked pink body.
Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with my fragile naked pink body.
Thanks for my fragile naked pink body last night. *wink* *wink*

User
I've got a lot of shit that looks like someone's torso...
User
Someone's torso
n

We put someone's torso in your tea!
My car looks like it’s someone's torso but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of someone's torso, a determined shark, and The Super Buttsex Arena.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with someone's torso! It’s all here in my manifesto!
My new phone looks like it’s someone's torso but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend someone's torso.

User
A fairly muscular teenage girl
n

I think a lot of people would pay to see a fairly muscular teenage girl.
CAUTION: Keep a fairly muscular teenage girl out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks endangered animals.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a fairly muscular teenage girl.
The Sword of Damocles was a fairly muscular teenage girl hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a fairly muscular teenage girl really affected me.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and a fairly muscular teenage girl coming right at us. Please advise.

User
A soulless vessel
n

I can’t believe you forced my mom into a soulless vessel! She’s 62!
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into a soulless vessel and stopped.
I thought I just had gas, but it came out as a soulless vessel.
Let scary men host your next party, providing a soulless vessel like you’ve never experienced before.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like a soulless vessel.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit edible disguises and acquire a soulless vessel!

User
Presenting like a mandril
v

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began presenting like a mandril.
Your lifestyle travelled over 20 feet after presenting like a mandril.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about presenting like a mandril.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by presenting like a mandril.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent presenting like a mandril, certainly others would have.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between presenting like a mandril and threatening my wife and child.

User
Thick pads of knee skin
np

Opinions are like thick pads of knee skin. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Pool rules: No running. No accepting any crap without opposing thoughts. Keep thick pads of knee skin out of the deep end.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually thick pads of knee skin.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but thick pads of knee skin.
Thick pads of knee skin in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of thick pads of knee skin. Half the country is shotgunning.

User
One of my sexual partners
n

Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at gurgling tar pits and my card appeared in one of my sexual partners!
In Kentucky stores can’t sell one of my sexual partners after 8pm, or on holidays like Passive-aggressive Tendencies Day.
Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called claws, are the passages for one of my sexual partners to flow.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a bunch of kids and a mouthfeel like one of my sexual partners.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted one of my sexual partners to the vastness of space.
If you do it right, one of my sexual partners is all about doing things to the body.

User
Redness, swelling, and blisters
np

All the best love stories include redness, swelling, and blisters.
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s sliced vegetables straddled by redness, swelling, and blisters.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing redness, swelling, and blisters, since we’re so good at it.
Today the Senate is voting on redness, swelling, and blisters.
Ever since the incident with three carrots I’ve been haunted by redness, swelling, and blisters.
This year’s hottest album is “Redness, Swelling, and Blisters” by The Gravy Dimension.

User
Back alley butt surgery
nc

Back alley butt surgery in the hand is worth two in the bush.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift back alley butt surgery over my head, but insurance got in the way.
Back Alley Butt Surgery is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by mopping it up with your underpants.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with back alley butt surgery. I barely even felt Angelina Jolie’s lips.
The weirdest thing about back alley butt surgery is that sometimes even girls have back alley butt surgery.
For my last meal I want tight clothes seasoned lightly with back alley butt surgery.



A back alley butt surgeon
n

When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a back alley butt surgeon. As a result, his men were well motivated.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by a back alley butt surgeon.
Apparently, “a Back Alley Butt Surgeon” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a back alley butt surgeon and my card appeared in an extremely painful sneeze!
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s a back alley butt surgeon.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a back alley butt surgeon.

User
I went back in time and destroyed  {n} before banging my own grandma. Whoops!

I went back in time and destroyed giggling schoolgirls with cameras before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed the power of love before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed the big ol’ boys before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed loose teeth before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed something even wetter before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed a tiny bat crawling up your peehole before banging my own grandma. Whoops!

User
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up  {v}.

The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up touching your vaggie while sleeping.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up breaking in.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up getting off.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up assassinating Kim Jong-un.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up writhing on the floor and screaming my name.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up trying to get away with murder.

User
Spitroasting a lion
v

This food is so good it’s making spitroasting a lion quiver!
A good description of sex, suitable for children: Christopher Lloyd holding a dog; my musk; spitroasting a lion.
If you do it right, spitroasting a lion is all about bloodlust.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is spitroasting a lion.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s spitroasting a lion.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into the Mormon church, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start spitroasting a lion.

User
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core  {p} at the same time without getting your hands dirty.

Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core claws at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core earwig pincers at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core divorce papers at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core insane shoes at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core amputated eyelids at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core all the leopards at the same time without getting your hands dirty.

User
Getting knocked up by my gay cousin
v

Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start chewing on cars like a giant titanium allosaurus before getting knocked up by my gay cousin.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re getting knocked up by my gay cousin!
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was getting knocked up by my gay cousin.
The problem with America is getting knocked up by my gay cousin.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly getting knocked up by my gay cousin right in front of their children.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began getting knocked up by my gay cousin in front of his top supporters.

User
My gross uncle who died when he was 17
n

The hottest new cryptocurrency is “My-gross-uncle-who-died-when-he-was-17-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving an exploding car.
Art can be defined by my gross uncle who died when he was 17 but only if it gets you baby Jesus and inspired.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and my gross uncle who died when he was 17 in the Philippines.
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: my gross uncle who died when he was 17!!!
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a small chubby and my card appeared in my gross uncle who died when he was 17!
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for my gross uncle who died when he was 17.

User
My flabby belly paunch
n

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore my flabby belly paunch in a very realistic way.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “my flabby belly paunch” incident in the science lab.
Use the same action as when puffing your cheeks, but the air should pass into my flabby belly paunch and your cheeks should be relaxed.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for my flabby belly paunch!
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of my flabby belly paunch.
My flabby belly paunch is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just freezing solid. Sorry.

User
Ok, but for real:
"Instructions unclear: got my clenched fist stuck in my happy place."
User
My clenched fist
n

I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had my clenched fist.
I’ve finally got the last of industrial solvent out of my clenched fist.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like my clenched fist.
Instructions unclear: got my happy place stuck in my clenched fist.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about my clenched fist and the whole planet. Should I talk to him?
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about my clenched fist?

User
7 or 8 hobos
np

At work I secretly have 7 or 8 hobos under my desk.
At the coffee shop they put “7 or 8 hobos” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
If I had secret Jews, you’d be 7 or 8 hobos!
7 or 8 hobos is my womanly virtue in the ocean of life!
Shepherds in Scotland have used 7 or 8 hobos for years to keep the flock from door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes.
The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with violent death and a strange boy who fights 7 or 8 hobos.

User
Quote:
Sometimes I wish I could just lock my psychic death beam and sharp claws in a room and let ‘em fight it out.


This is some for real goth poetry.
User
My psychic death beam
nc

Cosmetic surgeons hate this! My psychic death beam can increase your breast size in three weeks!
The sign at the fountain says not to throw my psychic death beam in.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock my psychic death beam and sharp claws in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for my psychic death beam
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began my psychic death beam.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only an old hornet and my psychic death beam.

User
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy  .

World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy a carefully contained fart.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy self-inflicted wounds.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy a humiliated animal.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy killing Kim Jong-un.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy an exploding car.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy Disneyland!.

User
Getting t-boned in space
v

At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for getting t-boned in space and making it weird at the assembly line.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for getting t-boned in space
I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with getting t-boned in space.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “getting t-boned in space,” with a picture of the greatest mistake of my life.
This workplace has gone (0) days without getting t-boned in space.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw getting t-boned in space for the first time!

User
The meat sweats
n

They said the meat sweats was out of my league, but look at me now! I’m the king of the meat sweats!
Here on the assembly line we heat the meat sweats to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is moving and talking at the same time.
Exploding from both ends with the meat sweats is a uniquely British problem.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of the meat sweats.
Going straight to hell is a temporary setback on the road to the meat sweats!
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate the meat sweats.

User
Oh, I've got it! This is a better phrasing:


Employee morale went down when we banned   from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when we had  installed in the lobby.
Play 2

Employee morale went down when we banned fuzzy handcuffs from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when we had struggling to get out of the vaninstalled in the lobby.
Employee morale went down when we banned a complete set of cybernetic implants from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when we had instant deathinstalled in the lobby.
Employee morale went down when we banned a flea from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when we had the nannyinstalled in the lobby.
Employee morale went down when we banned hot, sweaty, wall-slamming sex from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when we had bedtimeinstalled in the lobby.
Employee morale went down when we banned a Steam update from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when we had shitty chairs from IKEA®installed in the lobby.
Employee morale went down when we banned compressed gas from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when we had things that aren’t fruitinstalled in the lobby.

User
This one might be kinda long:

Employee morale went down when we removed   from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got  {n}.
Play 2

Employee morale went down when we removed stainless steel plating from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got quiet poots.
Employee morale went down when we removed a child drowning in a vat of molasses from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got a carpet beetle.
Employee morale went down when we removed nothing else from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got a guillotine.
Employee morale went down when we removed being strung up from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got feigned sympathy.
Employee morale went down when we removed a bad landing from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got damage.
Employee morale went down when we removed my bruised thighs from the office, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got a deluge of vomit.



Employee morale went down when we stopped  {v} on Fridays, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got  .
Play 2

Employee morale went down when we stopped horsing around on Fridays, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got a ceremonial ribbon.
Employee morale went down when we stopped giving birth to a prosthetic baby on Fridays, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got a gaggle of nuns.
Employee morale went down when we stopped smearing on Fridays, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got a squeaky-clean bottom.
Employee morale went down when we stopped blowing in my ear on Fridays, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got almost everyone.
Employee morale went down when we stopped tandem showering on Fridays, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got a crocodile death-rolling my taint.
Employee morale went down when we stopped doing your best and trying your hardest on Fridays, but, strangely, went way back up when every employee got 80,000 tons of nuclear waste.

User
This here heap of garbage
n

Don’t look at me while I’m this here heap of garbage! It messes me up!
There’s always time for this here heap of garbage before breakfast.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with this here heap of garbage.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of this here heap of garbage.
You can’t keep running around like this here heap of garbage, you’re endangering a very old jellybean!
Wolves don’t eat this here heap of garbage, and neither should kings.

User
This horse bone totem never changes. It never, for example, turns into a bloodthirsty demon horse. That is what every one says, always.
User
This carved horse bone totem
n

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was this carved horse bone totem.
Doctor! My child has this carved horse bone totem coursing through his veins!
Alexander also named a city in India “This Carved Horse Bone Totem” after his dead horse.
It's like they always say: this carved horse bone totem never changes.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me this carved horse bone totem while we were still in the car.
The media’s nonstop coverage of a system of tunnels leading to key locations is just to distract us from this carved horse bone totem.

User
My mouth
n

My girlfriend kicked shaking, and now she’s my mouth. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
When my mouth hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
When I get older, I don’t want to be my mouth.
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about my mouth.
At Boeing R&D, we test a hole by subjecting it to my mouth and blasts of energy.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me my mouth while we were still in the car.

User
A celebrity's orifice
n

The cineplex has been using a celebrity's orifice in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
When you two are done carefully removing my skeleton, can we please get a celebrity's orifice and get out of here?!
Chase bank is giving out a celebrity's orifice this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a celebrity's orifice.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Celebrity's Orifice Does a Huge Mountain.
At the coffee shop they put “a celebrity's orifice” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

User
 {p} rarely fight in the wild, and resolve conflicts by growling, chattering the teeth, and urinating.

hula hoops rarely fight in the wild, and resolve conflicts by growling, chattering the teeth, and urinating.
urine sprinkles rarely fight in the wild, and resolve conflicts by growling, chattering the teeth, and urinating.
drool drops rarely fight in the wild, and resolve conflicts by growling, chattering the teeth, and urinating.
udders rarely fight in the wild, and resolve conflicts by growling, chattering the teeth, and urinating.
high heels rarely fight in the wild, and resolve conflicts by growling, chattering the teeth, and urinating.
years of pain rarely fight in the wild, and resolve conflicts by growling, chattering the teeth, and urinating.



I think this card needs a second blank, like "...chattering _..." or something, but that doesn't seem quite right.
User
When you said  , I thought you meant in a sexual way. I didn't know you were talking about  .
Play 2

When you said a mindless animal response, I thought you meant in a sexual way. I didn't know you were talking about struggling with a police officer.
When you said legs, I thought you meant in a sexual way. I didn't know you were talking about so few little turds.
When you said blocking the exit, I thought you meant in a sexual way. I didn't know you were talking about a screaming dog.
When you said nitro-boosted performance, I thought you meant in a sexual way. I didn't know you were talking about maximum bitch mode.
When you said original white, straight Barbie, I thought you meant in a sexual way. I didn't know you were talking about lifting his kilt and winking.
When you said struggling to get out of the van, I thought you meant in a sexual way. I didn't know you were talking about poorly orchestrated group sex.

User
This one might be a long shot:

"... And when you catch 'em, just hold 'em down and give 'em the 'ol Dutch  {c}

"... And when you catch 'em, just hold 'em down and give 'em the 'ol Dutch blindness
"... And when you catch 'em, just hold 'em down and give 'em the 'ol Dutch Paul Hogan’s oiled chest
"... And when you catch 'em, just hold 'em down and give 'em the 'ol Dutch too much wiggling
"... And when you catch 'em, just hold 'em down and give 'em the 'ol Dutch boiling water
"... And when you catch 'em, just hold 'em down and give 'em the 'ol Dutch scoring
"... And when you catch 'em, just hold 'em down and give 'em the 'ol Dutch beautiful girl hair

User
Blasting out noise
v

When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift the killing of educated adults over my head, but blasting out noise got in the way.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep blasting out noise out of mainland China.
It smells like Thai food in here... have you been blasting out noise?
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about blasting out noise.
Blasting out noise is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
Blasting out noise is the only way to say goodbye.

User
The sheriff with a warrant
n

Back in my day, we only had the sheriff with a warrant for tight clothes and we LIKED IT.
Always hold on to the sheriff with a warrant to remember me.
“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried the sheriff with a warrant.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around the sheriff with a warrant.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s the sheriff with a warrant.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began the sheriff with a warrant.

User
Prescription medicated underpants
n

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was prescription medicated underpants.
Making the best cookies requires prescription medicated underpants and a big donkey.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Prescription medicated underpants, smoky chipotle flavored scuba air and a watermelon owned by a black man.
I’ve been chopping down skeleton hands to build prescription medicated underpants for me and my wife.
But of the tree of prescription medicated underpants you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
First you get a complete wimp. Then you get prescription medicated underpants. Then you get a softer option.



Or maybe its funnier as:

Medicated underpants
n

You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in medicated underpants together.
In this game you get to collect ropes and craft medicated underpants.
My wife printed me a certifcate for medicated underpants. I’m excited for tonight!
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of medicated underpants.
My girlfriend kicked medicated underpants, and now she’s distended tubes. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Medicated Underpants”! I shook his hand and it felt like medicated underpants.

User
My ex wife
nc

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by my ex wife.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen my ex wife.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of my ex wife.
The cruiseliner struck my ex wife and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with so many freakin’ cats.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “my ex wife.”
It’s dangerous to leave my ex wife on the stairs.



The newlywed couple
n

The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in the newlywed couple.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found the newlywed couple sticking to the wall.
Make sure to hang the princess’s saliva in a tree so the newlywed couple leaves your tent alone.
Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with the newlywed couple.
James Bond will return in “The Man With the newlywed couple”!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by the newlywed couple.

User
Getting sucked into a black hole
v

Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was getting sucked into a black hole and tried to attack it.
What the gunfire department lacks in selection, we make up for in getting sucked into a black hole.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually getting sucked into a black hole.
I chipped my tooth on your mom’s bathroom. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t getting sucked into a black hole.
All the best love stories include getting sucked into a black hole.
Pool rules: No running. No getting sucked into a black hole. Keep Donald Trump’s family out of the deep end.

User
Divine retribution
nc

I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is divine retribution.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be divine retribution.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by divine retribution.
I prayed to God for divine retribution, and God delivered!
In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out divine retribution for free on every corner.
If you have a dream about kicking the door down, it means you’re worried about divine retribution.

User
Also:

My booty
n

If you kids don’t stop smearing blood all over the bathroom, I will turn my booty around!
I don’t think that even comes close to being my booty.
The fire department came around and complained that we had too many oiled thighs plugged into my booty.
I can’t swing a car crash around here without hitting my booty!
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by my booty.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of my booty.



Your booty
n

I will do anything for your booty. But I won’t do balls caught in the car window!
I never expected to be fingered by your booty.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of your booty, a made up racial slur, and both me and your father.
Slender and muscled, like a trap that shoots a poison dart. She was the spitting image of your booty.
The best comfort food will always be greens, your booty, and fried chicken.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about your booty.

User
Hey, let's comparitive gender studies!

Booty
n

How high do you have to be to put hula hoops on booty?
NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used booty.
1) A robot may not injure booty, or through inaction allow booty to come to harm.
I’m sure I blew booty in this napkin somewhere.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy booty, and you get my sister’s closet as a sign up bonus.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is booty.



Her booty
n

In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch her booty at the girls camp.
Back in my day, we only had a shard of shrapnel for her booty and we LIKED IT.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, her booty... Sweet! Sunny-D!
Introducing, The Her Booty diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS HER BOOTY ROLLING EYES.”
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as her booty equipped with the deceased.



His booty
n

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Drinking Wine in the Tub All Day Co., tapping into the growing market for his booty.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw his booty overboard!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “His Booty and You”.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with his booty.
My house. 8 o’clock. His booty.
My girlfriend kicked his booty, and now she’s smearing blood all over the bathroom. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!

User
A nuclear powered jackhammer
n

I can’t swing a nuclear powered jackhammer around here without hitting a car full of Puerto Ricans!
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a nuclear powered jackhammer.
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: a nuclear powered jackhammer acting like a child!
This new Mario game is weird. You need more dishonesty to attack goombas and coins are exclusively for buying a nuclear powered jackhammer.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in a nuclear powered jackhammer in the middle of each intersection.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a nuclear powered jackhammer really affected me.

User
NASA engineers were able to help the mars crew repair  {n} using only  {n} and  {n}.
Play 3

NASA engineers were able to help the mars crew repair prey using only nasty boys and my dead parents.
NASA engineers were able to help the mars crew repair an iceberg using only a ripcord and a little piece of shit.
NASA engineers were able to help the mars crew repair Roman battlesex using only mercury poisoning and blindness.
NASA engineers were able to help the mars crew repair smooth boys using only a fridge full of heads and a creepy dude.
NASA engineers were able to help the mars crew repair the toilet using only a robot body and laser sounds.
NASA engineers were able to help the mars crew repair this worthless orphan using only a kidney in an ice box and furries.

User
I feel like this one had to be a repeat:

Two kids in a trench coat
np

Although moving away from the men who helped me proved effective for schools, the switch to two kids in a trench coat initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
The White House will no longer enforce The Two Kids in a Trench Coat Act of 1959. Thank God.
Hello, 911? I think there’s two kids in a trench coat in my house...
Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into two kids in a trench coat.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for two kids in a trench coat.
If mom hears us talking about two kids in a trench coat we’ll be SO grounded!

User
A bunch of wood chips and shredded newsprint
nc

For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, a bunch of wood chips and shredded newsprint every single day.
In this game you get to collect a bunch of wood chips and shredded newsprint and craft Dad’s ass.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include a rope tied round my leg, a bunch of wood chips and shredded newsprint, dry mouth, and bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton.
Last night was the tragic result of a bunch of wood chips and shredded newsprint
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: a bunch of wood chips and shredded newsprint pulling on my butthole hairs!
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a bunch of wood chips and shredded newsprint.

User
Whistles, cooing noises and gestures
np

For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood whistles, cooing noises and gestures.
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s rumpy pumpy straddled by whistles, cooing noises and gestures.
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed whistles, cooing noises and gestures.
I went rafting, saw whistles, cooing noises and gestures in the river, no big deal.
I’ve been chopping down BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM to build whistles, cooing noises and gestures for me and my wife.
I was so surprised to see a lumberjack orgy that whistles, cooing noises and gestures fell out of my mouth.

User
A sleeping tiger
n

Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a sleeping tiger.
The patient kept screaming about “a sleeping tiger”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a complete set of cybernetic implants emerged!
My house. 8 o’clock. A sleeping tiger.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around a sleeping tiger.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a sleeping tiger.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a sleeping tiger.

User
I genuinely don't remember if this is an existing or already suggested card:

One single out-of-place pube
nc

That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “One Single Out-of-place Pube,” the finest ship in the harbor!
Everything I need to live on a desert island: One single out-of-place pube with hugs and kisses.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about one single out-of-place pube?
When the beef came at me it was like one single out-of-place pube.
A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been being asleep, not dead. The snail may have escaped one single out-of-place pube by going underground.
So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find one single out-of-place pube all lubed up, ready to go. Ew!

User
Also this one

A hard-core, heavy hitting knob twister
n

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a hard-core, heavy hitting knob twister. Would you like to try our new special, getting too excited?
Experts said that based on preliminary data, a hard-core, heavy hitting knob twister appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around a hard-core, heavy hitting knob twister.
John “a hard-core, heavy hitting knob twister” Smith. The genius who brought us greed, secrets, poison and murder.
I love your necklace! It’s a hard-core, heavy hitting knob twister, right?
The city council wants to cut down on a hard-core, heavy hitting knob twister. Meanwhile people are freely hiding the pain!

User
We all have Aaronjer to thank for these.

A bed that fucks you to sleep
n

Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a bed that fucks you to sleep.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy a bed that fucks you to sleep, and you get a wet tongue as a sign up bonus.
When I get older, I don’t want to be a bed that fucks you to sleep.
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in a bed that fucks you to sleep together.
For Halloween we’re peeling a bed that fucks you to sleep so it feels like eyeballs, and we made a beehive so it feels like brains.
When the stadium was demolished it revealed a bed that fucks you to sleep, bringing onlookers from far and wide.



The bed that fucks you to sleep
n

The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of the bed that fucks you to sleep.
I’m shoving motor control in the ground, in hopes that the bed that fucks you to sleep comes and harvests it.
If you’re interested in my services, email me at: a-headless-chicken-runnin-round@the-bed-that-fucks-you-to-sleep.biz
You evaded my “The Bed That Fucks You to Sleep” attack! Most impressive.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off the bed that fucks you to sleep in the stands and then knocked a really long nose hair off the polite scorn of a Canadian.
It’s time to scrape the remains of the bed that fucks you to sleep off the driveway.

User
Four arms and three legs
np

1) A robot may not injure four arms and three legs, or through inaction allow four arms and three legs to come to harm.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only this worthless orphan and four arms and three legs.
We couldn’t land because of four arms and three legs caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like ear worms.
So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find four arms and three legs all lubed up, ready to go. Ew!
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of four arms and three legs.
The TSA has made new rules mandating four arms and three legs on every commercial flight.

User
Uncle creepy
nc

Driving late at night, I was horrified to find uncle creepy in the back seat.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “My Latest Perversion!” You’re cursed with uncle creepy until the end of the game!
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from rolling eyes with uncle creepy.
Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and uncle creepy came rolling after him, but he escaped by choking bitches!
Thanks for uncle creepy last night. *wink* *wink*
Look, man, I’m not into uncle creepy. But $20 is $20.

User
The world's fakest moustache
n

Ever since the incident with a virus I’ve been haunted by the world's fakest moustache.
These special lenses help colorblind people see that the world's fakest moustache is allowing babies to starve while you gorge.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually the world's fakest moustache.
I just dug up the world's fakest moustache in my backyard! The police are questioning me and I’m worried about not many teeth.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re the world's fakest moustache, get to the front of the line.
I want to be buried with the world's fakest moustache.

User
The tenured professor of Butt Studies
n

I went rafting, saw the tenured professor of Butt Studies in the river, no big deal.
I’m an ankle holster in the streets, but the tenured professor of Butt Studies in the sheets.
The tenured professor of Butt Studies like this is enough to kill a horse!
We can be the tenured professor of Butt Studies. And no one has to know.
I’m shoving a quickie in the ground, in hopes that the tenured professor of Butt Studies comes and harvests it.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring the tenured professor of Butt Studies.

User
And just for the lulz:

Either of these hot dogs
np

For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, either of these hot dogs every single day.
If either of these hot dogs were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me either of these hot dogs while we were still in the car.
I got so drunk last night that I got either of these hot dogs all over everyone and everything.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am either of these hot dogs. Would you like to try our new special, prey?
We can be either of these hot dogs. And no one has to know.

User
Both of these hot dogs
np

I was surprised to find bones in both of these hot dogs. Is that normal?
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of both of these hot dogs.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Coach Diddleplayers and both of these hot dogs.
You’re not a mom! You’re just both of these hot dogs!
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with a good soak. I barely even felt both of these hot dogs.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put both of these hot dogs in the slot, but I forget to take it out.

User
Alternatively:

A furious goose
n

This workplace has gone (0) days without a furious goose.
I Googled for a furious goose and found a picture of myself.
CAUTION: Keep a furious goose out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks white men with guns.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by a furious goose.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Furious Goose.
I was so surprised to see floppy, out-of-control boobs that a furious goose fell out of my mouth.

User
A plump goose
n

Can I get some floss? There’s a plump goose between my teeth.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by a plump goose.
We’re having a plump goose situation. Watch out for using advanced Kama Sutra techniques and please stand by...
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate a plump goose.
The cineplex has been using a plump goose in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
I beat a plump goose all the time!

User
An uncomfortably over-sexualized possum
n

Last Christmas, I gave you an uncomfortably over-sexualized possum. The very next day, you gave it away.
My kids keep installing an uncomfortably over-sexualized possum on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got an uncomfortably over-sexualized possum painted on both sides, which some say encourages electric sex.
When I think South America, I feel an uncomfortably over-sexualized possum.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually an uncomfortably over-sexualized possum.
I’ve finally got the last of a screaming dog out of an uncomfortably over-sexualized possum.

User
Let me just fix these up...

"Her inheritance was squandered upon Snoop Dogg's research grade marijuana while Cinderella was abused and forced to become Mr. President in her own home."

"The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of Snoop Dogg's research grade marijuana, ginger beer, and a squeeze of bear sperm. Serve in Her Majesty, the Queen."
User
Snoop Dog's research grade marijuana
nc

The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in Snoop Dog's research grade marijuana.
You stole Snoop Dog's research grade marijuana from a child? You’re the power of love and you’re going to hell!
Don’t look at me while I’m Snoop Dog's research grade marijuana! It messes me up!
Her inheritance was squandered upon Mr. President while Cinderella was abused and forced to become Snoop Dog's research grade marijuana in her own home.
I’m late to my meeting for Snoop Dog's research grade marijuana.
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of Her Majesty, the Queen, ginger beer, and a squeeze of bear sperm. Serve in Snoop Dog's research grade marijuana.

User
Random young sparkle fairies
np

Tits like a Smoking Chimney is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by random young sparkle fairies.
If I had random young sparkle fairies, you’d be a quick one!
Ah, random young sparkle fairies for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around random young sparkle fairies on the freeway.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from random young sparkle fairies, and the eco-glass windows trap in rude kids.
We’re having no more joy situation. Watch out for random young sparkle fairies and please stand by...

User
Ok, but maybe more realistically

A crazy strong robot
n

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw a crazy strong robot overboard!
While I was out the Roomba got into a crazy strong robot and was stretching it till it rips.
My publisher demanded I remove a crazy strong robot from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
You spent all your food-stamps on a crazy strong robot?!
A crazy strong robot is the only way to say goodbye.
The only thing standing in your way is a crazy strong robot.

User
A crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves
n

Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves.
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves and to avoid filling my mouth.
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves straddled by freewill.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves, would you be a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves as well?”
In the third world, luxuries like a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves are an alien concept.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves to treat a bottle of urine!

User
Do we already have something like this (I'm not sure which is funnier, squirting ink and then running subverts expectations, but swimming might be better in the larger context of the whole black card)

Squirting ink and running away
v

I ordered lower standards privately over the Internet so I can get better at squirting ink and running away.
Although moving away from squirting ink and running away proved effective for schools, the switch to Satan’s latest abomination initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a wank. Would you like to try our new special, squirting ink and running away?
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of very depraved porn. She has stated, “I prefer squirting ink and running away.”
Squirting ink and running away! Squirting ink and running away! My kingdom for squirting ink and running away!
If you do it right, shotgunning is all about squirting ink and running away.



Squirting ink and swimming away
v

Help! I’m squirting ink and swimming away and I need YOU to do something about it!
I never expected to be fingered by squirting ink and swimming away.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Squirting ink and swimming away.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about a tickle and squirting ink and swimming away. Should I talk to him?
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk squirting ink and swimming away.
Squirting ink and swimming away really messes up my butt complexion!

User
Jesus christ can we have just one of these threads where the first page isn't literally 20 miles long?

Sexy fingers
np

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is sexy fingers.
For Halloween we’re peeling sexy fingers so it feels like eyeballs, and we made getting all fucked up on PCP so it feels like brains.
The new bill before congress would require sexy fingers in all K-through-12 classrooms.
Introducing, The Sexy Fingers diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of sexy fingers.
I just dug up shaved bears in my backyard! The police are questioning me and I’m worried about sexy fingers.

User
Giving or receiving a hickey
v

The only thing standing in your way is giving or receiving a hickey.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually giving or receiving a hickey.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, giving or receiving a hickey every single day.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was giving or receiving a hickey.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of giving or receiving a hickey.
The 2020 Olympics will feature a new sport: synchronized giving or receiving a hickey.

User
We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when  {n} came crashing through the window and  {c} flew everywhere.
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We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when my out of control libido came crashing through the window and electric sex flew everywhere.
We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when big dudes with big dudes came crashing through the window and kevlar underwear flew everywhere.
We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when eels came crashing through the window and very expensive gelato flew everywhere.
We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when a sex swing came crashing through the window and nudity flew everywhere.
We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when hot biscuits & gravy came crashing through the window and mutual discomfort flew everywhere.
We had just gotten the panicking crowd back in their seats when bourbon and ball-gags came crashing through the window and skin slack flew everywhere.

User
I think this neighbor crushing one needs more development.

When I quit my job I crushed  {s} and made my boss and co-workers watch.

When I quit my job I crushed original white, straight Barbie and made my boss and co-workers watch.
When I quit my job I crushed the reason this happened and made my boss and co-workers watch.
When I quit my job I crushed a cat in a paper bag and made my boss and co-workers watch.
When I quit my job I crushed a stiff upper lip and made my boss and co-workers watch.
When I quit my job I crushed a squealing 4-year-old and made my boss and co-workers watch.
When I quit my job I crushed the song of my people and made my boss and co-workers watch.



User
I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed  {s}.

I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed the roof.
I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed a pubic tuft.
I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed The Super Buttsex Arena.
I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed my baby door.
I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed the things I’m hiding in my basement.
I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed a guilty little boy.

User
The nozzle of a firehose
n

While I was out the Roomba got into the nozzle of a firehose and was nothing else.
I’m getting the nozzle of a firehose installed in my car, so I can be a feeding tube while I drive.
I’m late to my meeting for the nozzle of a firehose.
The nozzle of a firehose is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just wearing John Travolta’s face. Sorry.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s the nozzle of a firehose.
Senator, give us the nozzle of a firehose biannually and you’ll get our vote.

User
I am ever less confident as time goes on that I'm not posting dupes.

Depravity
nc

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on depravity.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a dream over my head, but depravity got in the way.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out depravity.
I got into my car and sat on depravity. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Growing up we never had a dusty butthole, but we had to deal with depravity, and I want the opposite for my children.
It’s lucky to touch depravity; it’s even luckier to touch mine.



Trading sex for favors
v

Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain trading sex for favors?
Go, go, Gadget Trading Sex for Favors!
My chameleon turns purple whenever I’m trading sex for favors.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in trading sex for favors.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw trading sex for favors for the first time!
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly trading sex for favors right in front of their children.



Zeus' Thunderbolt
n

At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in a button labelled “kill”. That’s supposed to help me with Zeus' Thunderbolt?!
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to Zeus' Thunderbolt.
There is no revenge so complete as Zeus' Thunderbolt.
We’re having a Vietnamese landmine situation. Watch out for Zeus' Thunderbolt and please stand by...
Zeus' Thunderbolt is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a plug for the other hole.
Today you’re on the receiving end of Zeus' Thunderbolt.

User
My entire body, inside and out
nc

My wife printed me a certifcate for my entire body, inside and out. I’m excited for tonight!
The HOA says I can’t raise a flea on my property. Meanwhile no word about my entire body, inside and out at the Jones’s!
The media’s nonstop coverage of my entire body, inside and out is just to distract us from a Hot Pocket®.
The cruiseliner struck a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with my entire body, inside and out.
Back in my day, we only had a hurtling space rock for my entire body, inside and out and we LIKED IT.
The sign at the fountain says not to throw my entire body, inside and out in.

User
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include  {n} and  {n}, and that the actor must always be  {v}.
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Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include a plump, lazy hyena and a piece of lint near my vagina, and that the actor must always be pulling out just in time.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include a boyfriend shaped bed and a dream, and that the actor must always be wandering around.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include pulsating opposite sexes and a divorce, and that the actor must always be hate-fucking.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include the reason this happened and wet like grandma does it, and that the actor must always be vomiting gore all over your face.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include wrestling alligators and black leggings, and that the actor must always be beeping.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include a bunch of kids and cuts on the wall, and that the actor must always be achieving an orgasm.



Maybe we can shrink that down? Or:

Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include   with  .
Play 2

Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include porkin’ with a comfortable spot.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include a plug for the other hole with my evil little body.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include amniotic fluid with victory or death.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include that sack of shit with precious little white children.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other with $20 worth of pot.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include not a single lion with no wheelchair access.

User
Getting gored by a hippo
v

Growing up we never had back surgery, but we had to deal with getting gored by a hippo, and I want the opposite for my children.
A creepy dude is getting gored by a hippo in the ocean of life!
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually getting gored by a hippo.
Getting gored by a hippo is the spice of gay shit.
While I was out the Roomba got into my happy place and was getting gored by a hippo.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re getting gored by a hippo!

User
Gruntar, the warrior of legend
n

Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in Gruntar, the warrior of legend.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, Gruntar, the warrior of legend popped out!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Gruntar, the Warrior of Legend and You”.
When I get older, I don’t want to be Gruntar, the warrior of legend.
How high do you have to be to put Gruntar, the warrior of legend on alien parasite larvae?
The terrorists will execute steers and queers every 20 minutes until they receive Gruntar, the warrior of legend.

User
Tainted meat
nc

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as tainted meat.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but tainted meat.
A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been gettin’ all up close. The snail may have escaped tainted meat by going underground.
Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with tainted meat.
We can’t ALL get away with treating women like tainted meat.
The city condemned our house after finding tainted meat in the crawlspace.

User
The Dark Master of Terror
n

This workplace has gone (0) days without the Dark Master of Terror.
The Dark Master of Terror is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by Mom’s face.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about the Dark Master of Terror and laughing with a mouth full of firecrackers. Should I talk to him?
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about the Dark Master of Terror?
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling the Dark Master of Terror. The driver was being attacked by a skeleton.
My mom picked me up the Dark Master of Terror from the thrift shop. It was the last one!

User
Licking it up and down
v

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s licking it up and down, with a crow in a blender around the edges, and baseless hatred on top.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for licking it up and down and getting infected at the assembly line.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like licking it up and down.
We can be licking it up and down. And no one has to know.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not licking it up and down like your brother?”
I couldn’t sleep. I’m too anxious about licking it up and down tomorrow.

User
Getting suddenly exsanguinated
v

If you kids don’t stop impacting my sister, I will turn getting suddenly exsanguinated around!
Although moving away from getting suddenly exsanguinated proved effective for schools, the switch to a homeless man jerking it initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Growing up we never had the coming race war, but we had to deal with getting suddenly exsanguinated, and I want the opposite for my children.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a yappy little dog and a mouthfeel like getting suddenly exsanguinated.
The water tower looks like it’s getting suddenly exsanguinated from this angle.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into getting suddenly exsanguinated! She’s 62!



or

Getting violently exsanguinated
v

I need help with my computer! I downloaded a mild orgasm and now I’m having trouble with getting violently exsanguinated.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise the jaws of life by rewarding them with getting violently exsanguinated.
Always walk into an interview with my return and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate getting violently exsanguinated.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from getting violently exsanguinated.
My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti Getting-violently-exsanguinated-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and your fluid-filled lungs.
Life without love is like getting violently exsanguinated without the grossest whiff of minty poot or fruit.

User
Producing a range of smells at will
v

... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were producing a range of smells at will, would you be producing a range of smells at will as well?”
I like Japanese people because you can never tell if they are producing a range of smells at will or getting snapped in half
R Kelly fantasizes about producing a range of smells at will with a young Beyonce.
Gather round, family, it’s time to hang producing a range of smells at will on the Christmas tree.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around producing a range of smells at will on the freeway.
When you two are done producing a range of smells at will, can we please get a robot body and get out of here?!

User
Investing in real estate
v

Last night I dreamed of investing in real estate. I cannot shake the feeling that bait will arrive soon.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still investing in real estate!
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by investing in real estate.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use investing in real estate to treat party bitches!
At the Amazon Go store you can grab furries and walk right out the door without investing in real estate.
So what I’m saying is we have investing in real estate to thank for Obama’s America.



Making much better decisions
v

Making much better decisions can actually erode the community buttplug, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began making much better decisions.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by making much better decisions.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in making much better decisions!
Making much better decisions is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate making much better decisions to prepare for a mission to mars.

User
The sex temple
n

This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of the sex temple.
People in Taiwan are getting the sex temple implanted in their bodies for smashing skulls.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like earwax and is carrying the sex temple.
So what I’m saying is we have the sex temple to thank for Obama’s America.
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in the sex temple.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: the sex temple.



or

Charging admission to the sex temple
v

When you two are done charging admission to the sex temple, can we please get a little sarin gas and get out of here?!
During the war, German scientists experimented with charging admission to the sex temple to weaponize a damned soul.
At the coffee shop they put “charging admission to the sex temple” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about charging admission to the sex temple?
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found charging admission to the sex temple sticking to the wall.
We have a zero tolerance policy for charging admission to the sex temple here at Disney. So get breastfeeding and get out!

User
An odorous balsam
n

Ah, an odorous balsam for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “An Odorous Balsam” and it helps me with receiving birth.
At the winery tour we saw how they put an odorous balsam and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like pretty girls getting killed.
We’re having a crow in a blender situation. Watch out for an odorous balsam and please stand by...
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in an odorous balsam in the middle of each intersection.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt with an odorous balsam.

User
The new food truck at our office is  {nc}-latin fusion and has  {n} painted on the side.
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The new food truck at our office is a gasping woman-latin fusion and has mom painted on the side.
The new food truck at our office is a list of names-latin fusion and has stubby fingers painted on the side.
The new food truck at our office is the black president-latin fusion and has shaved bears painted on the side.
The new food truck at our office is mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores-latin fusion and has a total fucking mess painted on the side.
The new food truck at our office is meaningless symbols-latin fusion and has a sex swing mishap painted on the side.
The new food truck at our office is two country bumpkins-latin fusion and has a deflating balloon painted on the side.

User
My lover
n

Could you buy me my lover? I’ll pay you back.
You stole my lover from a child? You’re seizing the means of production and you’re going to hell!
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of fist pumping in history, rode into battle atop my lover.
Oh no! Obama put childbirth in the water to turn my lover gay!
Military scientists in Syria found traces of my lover in the soil.
I could tell quicksand had ended up behind me when I felt my lover as I backed up.

User
Doing it so wrong you die
v

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for doing it so wrong you die.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by doing it so wrong you die.
It is disrespectful and dangerous to be doing it so wrong you die during sex.
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: a fistful of glitter doing it so wrong you die!
Slender and muscled, like racial superiority. She was the spitting image of doing it so wrong you die.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on doing it so wrong you die.

User
A swarm of pill bugs
n

Slender and muscled, like just not much food. She was the spitting image of a swarm of pill bugs.
Apparently, “a Swarm of Pill Bugs” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a joke from the Internet, part was a swarm of pill bugs, and it was crowned with ointment.
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of more dishonesty, ginger beer, and a squeeze of a swarm of pill bugs. Serve in my last tooth.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got a ball gag painted on both sides, which some say encourages a swarm of pill bugs.
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced a swarm of pill bugs with sufficient funds.

User
Your baloney hole
nc

The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for your baloney hole.
This food is so good it’s making your baloney hole quiver!
Senator, give us your baloney hole biannually and you’ll get our vote.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to your baloney hole, even before I put on my clothes.
Dad! I’m all done surviving a gentle sneeze, so I have your baloney hole left over if you’re still interested.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw your baloney hole overboard!

User
A rock hard biscuit
n

Music without the sounds of a rock hard biscuit is hardly music at all.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a rock hard biscuit... Sweet! Sunny-D!
The cineplex has been using a rock hard biscuit in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
They didn’t have a rock hard biscuit at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed a spooky mummy.
I heard you were talking about a rock hard biscuit so I had to come over!
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a rock hard biscuit.

User
A murder, and then another murder
n

A murder, and then another murder produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under hugs and kisses to keep warm.
You spent all your food-stamps on a murder, and then another murder?!
My nightly ritual involves realizing I’m a douche, a murder, and then another murder, and finally regular contact just as I fall asleep.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with a murder, and then another murder.
Whenever I cook a murder, and then another murder I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into a short muscular rectum.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow A Murder, and Then Another Murder?

User
I saw two hobos fighting over  {n} behind the library. One of them was  {v}.
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I saw two hobos fighting over an army of 35,000 men behind the library. One of them was getting covered in spicy mayonnaise.
I saw two hobos fighting over a kill behind the library. One of them was proving she’s a witch.
I saw two hobos fighting over a polite way to say no behind the library. One of them was finding a place to fart.
I saw two hobos fighting over years of pain behind the library. One of them was violently crashing down the stairs.
I saw two hobos fighting over desperate dog sex behind the library. One of them was floating away in a fucking balloon.
I saw two hobos fighting over shame vibes behind the library. One of them was KA-BLAM!!.

User
Coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition
v

I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a deep cut with coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition.
If you have a dream about coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition, it meas you’re worried about corporate America.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition.
The 1940’s certainly had a thing about coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition.
The White House will no longer enforce The Coming in 2nd in a Power Bottom Competition Act of 1959. Thank God.
Great job on the proposal for coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a furious ding-dong.



(thank you Cinema Snob)
User
Attending a porn shoot and then an orgy
v

Could you buy me attending a porn shoot and then an orgy? I’ll pay you back.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s attending a porn shoot and then an orgy and I think I believe her!
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with attending a porn shoot and then an orgy.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider attending a porn shoot and then an orgy.
We have a zero tolerance policy for dropping an upper-decker here at Disney. So get attending a porn shoot and then an orgy and get out!
The White House will no longer enforce The Attending a Porn Shoot and Then an Orgy Act of 1959. Thank God.

User
Some kind of magic juice
nc

The patient kept screaming about “some kind of magic juice”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and the scary door emerged!
Some kind of magic juice? That’s my fetish!
This food is so good it’s making some kind of magic juice quiver!
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have some kind of magic juice.
I buried my treasure under some kind of magic juice so you’d never find it!
I don’t think that even comes close to being some kind of magic juice.



That time I nearly got us both killed
n

You evaded my “That Time I Nearly Got Us Both Killed” attack! Most impressive.
I was surprised to find bones in that time I nearly got us both killed. Is that normal?
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is that time I nearly got us both killed.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but that time I nearly got us both killed.
How high do you have to be to enjoy that time I nearly got us both killed in tiny uranium rods?
I found out why I’m always sick... they found that time I nearly got us both killed in the walls at my office.

User
A home-made shiv
n

My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti Wandering-around-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and a home-made shiv.
They said a home-made shiv was out of my league, but look at me now! I've got a home-made shiv... and then some!
I was vacuuming when I sucked a way rude hunger out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a home-made shiv came out too!
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a home-made shiv.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s a healthcare professional straddled by a home-made shiv.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of a home-made shiv.


User
Trying to get away with murder
v

When you two are done trying to get away with murder, can we please get “Cajun style” and get out of here?!
It’s not delivery. It’s trying to get away with murder.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was trying to get away with murder.
I don’t need love because I’m trying to get away with murder. Sorry mom!
While you’re at the store can you pick up trying to get away with murder, in family size?
I make deals for my cat by trying to get away with murder with a happy ending at a low price. Oreo loves it!

User
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were  ?

Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were #1 Dad?
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were compressed gas?
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were soft buns?
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were losing on purpose?
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were putting up with you?
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were a loose handrail?

User
A disease
n

The referee just issued a red card to my momma’s fatness for sliding into a disease.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out a disease each day, put a finely sculpted buttock in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with potent neurotoxins went off early, ejecting a disease into the air!
But I promised I would get my kids a disease for Christmas!
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a disease.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a disease?”

User
Such a wonderful flavor
nc

In Nevada you can pay for a lady repeating the same mistake with such a wonderful flavor.
When the beef came at me it was like such a wonderful flavor.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with such a wonderful flavor! It’s all here in my manifesto!
There’s no reason for such a wonderful flavor before breakfast.
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of the last breath of a dying man, ginger beer, and a squeeze of an impressively rendered vagina. Serve in such a wonderful flavor.
First you get The Super Buttsex Arena. Then you get such a wonderful flavor. Then you get a jackhammer.

User
Complete ecstasy
nc

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with complete ecstasy.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A motorist, complete ecstasy and skirting around the edges.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a fisherman removed from her and complete ecstasy removed from me.
The city put in new road signs to indicate complete ecstasy just up ahead.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to complete ecstasy.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, complete ecstasy... Sweet! Sunny-D!



or

Being in a state of total ecstasy
v

I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still being in a state of total ecstasy!
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value being in a state of total ecstasy more. Now hold still.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is being in a state of total ecstasy.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen being in a state of total ecstasy.
Today you’re on the receiving end of being in a state of total ecstasy.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: being-in-a-state-of-total-ecstasy@your-fault.net

User
Dwarfing the mighty redwood
v

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of dwarfing the mighty redwood.
When I think South America, I think of dwarfing the mighty redwood.
The 1940’s certainly had a thing about dwarfing the mighty redwood.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only John Travolta crying, as a woman and dwarfing the mighty redwood.
I never expected to be fingered by dwarfing the mighty redwood.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for dwarfing the mighty redwood.

User
I'm sorry:

I thought I was going to fart, but it came out as  {s}.

I thought I was going to fart, but it came out as a tissue.
I thought I was going to fart, but it came out as a squirt of mustard.
I thought I was going to fart, but it came out as a bloody leotard.
I thought I was going to fart, but it came out as a 5,000 acre forest fire.
I thought I was going to fart, but it came out as a mild orgasm.
I thought I was going to fart, but it came out as a crack in the sky.

User
For my next arts and crafts project I'm making  . But first I need to see if they have   at the craft store.
Play 2

For my next arts and crafts project I'm making windmilling. But first I need to see if they have Arizona at the craft store.
For my next arts and crafts project I'm making shotgunning. But first I need to see if they have the grossest whiff of minty poot at the craft store.
For my next arts and crafts project I'm making an active member of the communist party. But first I need to see if they have some birds eating all the poop away at the craft store.
For my next arts and crafts project I'm making a major problem. But first I need to see if they have a Swiss murder suit at the craft store.
For my next arts and crafts project I'm making this sentence. But first I need to see if they have truth serum at the craft store.
For my next arts and crafts project I'm making one of the Baldwin brothers. But first I need to see if they have a double-meat pizza at the craft store.

User
A sensual full-body massage
n

A good description of sex, suitable for children: Sudden nudity; a sensual full-body massage; a crazy cat lady.
The hottest new crptocurrency is “A-coked-up-hooker-coin” -- but it can only be used to purchase a sensual full-body massage!
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience a sensual full-body massage like I was really there.
We put a sensual full-body massage in your tea!
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on a sensual full-body massage.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into a sensual full-body massage! She’s 62!

User
Man, I hope this fits on one card.

I knew I was growing up when I got my first visit from  {n}, but when  {n} rolled into town, we all knew this summer was going to change our lives forever.
Play 2

I knew I was growing up when I got my first visit from the aliens running government, but when the reptile brain rolled into town, we all knew this summer was going to change our lives forever.
I knew I was growing up when I got my first visit from unneeded bulk, but when sugar from my father rolled into town, we all knew this summer was going to change our lives forever.
I knew I was growing up when I got my first visit from a blaring fire alarm, but when the seedy underbelly rolled into town, we all knew this summer was going to change our lives forever.
I knew I was growing up when I got my first visit from a lonely old man, but when passive-aggressive tendencies rolled into town, we all knew this summer was going to change our lives forever.
I knew I was growing up when I got my first visit from the first step to retake Texas, but when dilation of the uterus rolled into town, we all knew this summer was going to change our lives forever.
I knew I was growing up when I got my first visit from 100 steps, but when quiet poots rolled into town, we all knew this summer was going to change our lives forever.

User
The fog that kills
n

Amtrak officials confirm the fog that kills would have prevented train derailment.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking the fog that kills into women’s purses and bags.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate the fog that kills to prepare for a mission to mars.
The fog that kills is the only way to say goodbye.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put the fog that kills in the pillows.
An ant in my beard can actually erode the fog that kills, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness.

User
Kid Rock's latest album
nc

Stay out of that lake! Kid Rock's latest album will shoot up your urethra!
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out Kid Rock's latest album.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A quiver of love arrows and Kid Rock's latest album.
It’s lucky to touch Kid Rock's latest album; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
Good vibes is the spice of Kid Rock's latest album.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is Kid Rock's latest album.

User
This made me laugh when I heard it, but is it a good card?

A peeled muffin
n

I reached expectantly into a peeled muffin, but found only affectionate biting.
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw a peeled muffin in the mirror! And it smelled like basing my opinion on Internet articles in there! I’m so scared!
I tried getting it on but it was too tight. Then I tried a peeled muffin but it was TOO LOOSE.
During the war, German scientists experimented with nudity to weaponize a peeled muffin.
The original intent brings a peeled muffin to a child’s face.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am leaving a man behind. Would you like to try our new special, a peeled muffin?



edit: eh...
User
The nastiest bitch in town
n

On my way to work today, I had to swerve around the nastiest bitch in town on the freeway.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in the nastiest bitch in town.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare the nastiest bitch in town right at your table.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put the nastiest bitch in town in the pillows.
In my wild days I was seeking death, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with the nastiest bitch in town on the New Mexico border.
At the skating rink there was the nastiest bitch in town and everyone fell down at once.

User
You, you fat bitch
nc

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was you, you fat bitch.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on you, you fat bitch.
What the my musk department lacks in selection, we make up for in you, you fat bitch.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: A watchful guard; you, you fat bitch; a lie that corrupts the Earth.
You evaded my “You, You Fat Bitch” attack! Most impressive.
But of the tree of you, you fat bitch you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.

User
Have these been suggested yet?

Killing
vt

Our artisanal process ages an emerging sense of national identity for 3 years, before going right into killing, rapidly mistaking a man for a lady.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for killing.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to killing.
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as killing or pushing it deeper.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember killing?”
Today you’re on the receiving end of killing.



Murdering
vt

Thanks for murdering. Now get out of my bed!
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, feeling manful, sloth, wrath, murdering, and pride.
No more murdering at Starbucks.
If I had murdering, you’d be dead!
My kid was acting like oozing holes, so I took away murdering privileges.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by murdering around the building.

User
Chugging a brewski
v

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for chugging a brewski?
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from chugging a brewski.
I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and chugging a brewski. There was a report.
Chugging a brewski like this is enough to kill a horse!
Furious that I was chugging a brewski into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into the part you pee into.
A plump, lazy hyena travelled over 20 feet after chugging a brewski.



Our frat settles disputes by seeing who can chug  {c} the fastest.

Our frat settles disputes by seeing who can chug donkeydump the fastest.
Our frat settles disputes by seeing who can chug repair service the fastest.
Our frat settles disputes by seeing who can chug eerie silence the fastest.
Our frat settles disputes by seeing who can chug beautiful girl hair the fastest.
Our frat settles disputes by seeing who can chug violent docking, coming in hard the fastest.
Our frat settles disputes by seeing who can chug damage the fastest.



A whole barrel of pickles
n

We can be a whole barrel of pickles. And no one has to know.
When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add a whole barrel of pickles to the pan, while stirring constantly.
What will we do with a whole barrel of pickles early in the morning?
If you have a dream about a whole barrel of pickles, it meas you’re worried about Martha Stewart, orgasming.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for a whole barrel of pickles.
During my driving test, I backed my car into a whole barrel of pickles. I still got an 85!

User
The log flume ride
n

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had a puffed up chest removed so he could be the log flume ride.
Here on the assembly line we heat the log flume ride to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is walking backwards into John Cena.
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around the log flume ride.
It’s lucky to touch the log flume ride; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all the log flume ride when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to the log flume ride.

User
High-fiving mid coitus
v

Alcohol is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just high-fiving mid coitus. Sorry.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began high-fiving mid coitus in front of his top supporters.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s high-fiving mid coitus.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find high-fiving mid coitus.
But I promised I would get my kids high-fiving mid coitus for Christmas!
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began high-fiving mid coitus.

User
Wow, summer sausage first try :|

Maybe it should be
Shall I compare thee to  {s}? Thou art more lovely and  {v}.
Play 2

Shall I compare thee to a human-sized hamster ball? Thou art more lovely and shitting glitter.
Shall I compare thee to a radical student? Thou art more lovely and attacking everything in your path.
Shall I compare thee to wet like grandma does it? Thou art more lovely and kissing ass.
Shall I compare thee to a horizontal ass crack? Thou art more lovely and drilling into the brain.
Shall I compare thee to a prepaid Visa™? Thou art more lovely and running around slamming doors.
Shall I compare thee to a sociopath? Thou art more lovely and startling a tweaker.

User
Shall I compare thee to  {s}? Thou art more temperate and  {sn}.
Play 2

Shall I compare thee to a summer sausage? Thou art more temperate and Mom’s feet.
Shall I compare thee to a list of names? Thou art more temperate and the mayor.
Shall I compare thee to a novelty oversized foam fist? Thou art more temperate and the whole planet.
Shall I compare thee to a lounge full of dandies? Thou art more temperate and insipid fools.
Shall I compare thee to the best of us? Thou art more temperate and an email.
Shall I compare thee to a savvy entrepreneur? Thou art more temperate and a lump in the blanket.

User
Man, if you switch the cards in that Boeing one...
User
Masculine sexuality
nc

Then God said, “Let there be masculine sexuality”; and there was masculine sexuality. And God saw that masculine sexuality was good.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to masculine sexuality, even before I put on my clothes.
The water tower looks like it’s masculine sexuality from this angle.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of masculine sexuality came on the screen.
Alexander also named a city in India “Masculine Sexuality” after his dead horse.
At Boeing R&D, we test dad by connecting through masculine sexuality to a special 10,000-volt battery.



Or

Feminine sexuality
nc

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am hitting a man out of his wheelchair. Would you like to try our new special, feminine sexuality?
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of feminine sexuality.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about feminine sexuality.
When the beef came at me it was like feminine sexuality.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about feminine sexuality, but with this stew!
The 1940’s certainly had a thing about feminine sexuality.

User
Getting a face full of crotch
v

The TSA has made new rules mandating getting a face full of crotch on every commercial flight.
At the coffee shop they put “getting a face full of crotch” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from getting a face full of crotch with your mom’s bathroom.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with getting a face full of crotch! It’s all here in my manifesto!
This workplace has gone (0) days without getting a face full of crotch.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with getting a face full of crotch.



Or...

A face full of crotch
n

Until quite recently, a face full of crotch had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Pool rules: No running. No exact science. Keep a face full of crotch out of the deep end.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with Samuel L. Jackson’s pubic area. So bring a face full of crotch.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as a face full of crotch equipped with electric sex.
A face full of crotch is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind. Sorry.
You stole a face full of crotch from a child? You’re pulsating opposite sexes and you’re going to hell!

User
A huge and wonderful jar of poison
n

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Whether I Did It Co., tapping into the growing market for a huge and wonderful jar of poison.
But I promised I would get my kids a huge and wonderful jar of poison for Christmas!
The wall will go up and a huge and wonderful jar of poison will start behaving.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a huge and wonderful jar of poison.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a huge and wonderful jar of poison.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as a huge and wonderful jar of poison.



(Thank you Terry Pratchett)
User
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by  ?

Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by heavy iron dildos?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by day-to-day affairs?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by a bullet hole?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by a secret exit?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by a big ol’ fruit?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by slow diarrhea?



A sexy young wizard
n

I can’t believe you guys went riding your bike down the Luxor without me! Loop me in next time, I want a sexy young wizard too!
To change kitty’s litter: grab a new reality show, dig out any clumps, and refill with a sexy young wizard.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was a sexy young wizard.
Getting HUGE brings a sexy young wizard to a child’s face.
Don’t shake a sexy young wizard so hard, it’ll start compressed gas.
For my last meal I want a sexy young wizard seasoned heavily with a night of unrestrained passion.

User
Being broadcast live on national TV
v

Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk being broadcast live on national TV.
First you get casting a hex. Then you get being broadcast live on national TV. Then you get shotgunning.
In the public being broadcast live on national TV model, a third-party service provider delivers the being broadcast live on national TV service over the Internet.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is being broadcast live on national TV.
I scream, you scream, being broadcast live on national TV, hate-fucking!
Being broadcast live on national TV is the spice of apocalyptic machinery, just mowing us all down.

User
Extremely poor judgment
nc

Dagnabbit! I got extremely poor judgment all jammed up in the wheel well again.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as extremely poor judgment equipped with the runs.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Extremely Poor Judgment,” the finest ship in the harbor!
I can’t swing a bucket around here without hitting extremely poor judgment!
I noticed symptoms of extremely poor judgment, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s all the food!” but I’m not sure.
Extremely poor judgment produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a human-sized harness to keep warm.

User
Doing it ON PURPOSE
v

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by doing it ON PURPOSE around the building.
When I get older, I don’t want to be doing it ON PURPOSE.
Senator, give us doing it ON PURPOSE biannually and you’ll get our vote.
Thanks for doing it ON PURPOSE last night. *wink* *wink*
At the winery tour we saw how they put my embarrasingly affectionate father and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like doing it ON PURPOSE.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in machine guns. That’s supposed to help me with doing it ON PURPOSE?!

User
Let's test some variations

Getting your nads in a twist
v

It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, getting your nads in a twist, toilet paper, shelter, and a bag of super salty chips.
Growing up we never had a human-sized hamster ball, but we had to deal with getting your nads in a twist, and I want the opposite for my children.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience getting your nads in a twist like I was really there.
Great job on the proposal for getting your nads in a twist, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a piece of cake.
I can’t believe you guys went getting your nads in a twist without me! Loop me in next time, I want that fly in here too!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began getting your nads in a twist.



Getting their nads in a twist
v

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, getting their nads in a twist, sloth, wrath, a robotic policeman, and pride.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Getting Their Nads in a Twist.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A DEAD CAT GETTING THEIR NADS IN A TWIST.”
It’s not delivery. It’s getting their nads in a twist.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found getting their nads in a twist sticking to the wall.
Senator, give us getting their nads in a twist biannually and you’ll get our vote.



Getting my nads in a twist
v

If getting my nads in a twist were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about getting my nads in a twist?
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in getting my nads in a twist.
Vile doings travelled over 20 feet after getting my nads in a twist.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is getting my nads in a twist.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded a glob of peanut butter and now I’m having trouble with getting my nads in a twist.

User
As time goes on,I have a harder and harder time telling what has and hasn't been posted before.

A powerful stimulant
n

A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in a powerful stimulant.
I tried to sneak out of the store with a powerful stimulant under one arm and a dog boner down my pants.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be a powerful stimulant.
Whenever I cook the key factors I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into a powerful stimulant.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a powerful stimulant.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by a powerful stimulant.



Today I bought  {n} from the back of a van. They also threw in  {n}, which I didn't even think was legal.
Play 2

Today I bought an implied butt from the back of a van. They also threw in attention, which I didn't even think was legal.
Today I bought Eskimo settlements from the back of a van. They also threw in a pussy, wet and dripping, which I didn't even think was legal.
Today I bought an abomination unto God from the back of a van. They also threw in pity, which I didn't even think was legal.
Today I bought seduction from the back of a van. They also threw in a small child with no arms on a buttered skateboard, which I didn't even think was legal.
Today I bought a beehive from the back of a van. They also threw in a fisherman, which I didn't even think was legal.
Today I bought not many teeth from the back of a van. They also threw in these faggots, which I didn't even think was legal.

User
Trying a few variations:

shooting out all over the place v

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began shooting out all over the place.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with shooting out all over the place. I barely even felt the measure of a man.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for getting tickled until you bust a nut and shooting out all over the place at the assembly line.
When the beef came at me it was like shooting out all over the place.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on shooting out all over the place.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, shooting out all over the place appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.



squirting everywhere v

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was squirting everywhere.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw squirting everywhere for the first time!
At the coffee shop they put “squirting everywhere” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Here’s a certificate for squirting everywhere. I am at your service.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was squirting everywhere.
There’s no reason for squirting everywhere before breakfast.



shooting out at top speed v

More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and shooting out at top speed in the Philippines.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride heartlessness. It made me feel like I was shooting out at top speed.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and shooting out at top speed.
If you ask me, shooting out at top speed makes good neighbors.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were shooting out at top speed, would you be shooting out at top speed as well?”
In my state, shooting out at top speed is a legal right for me and my native brothers.



a cantankerous old biddy n

What the morningwood department lacks in selection, we make up for in a cantankerous old biddy.
The hardware store didn’t have a special little fuck left, so I got a cantankerous old biddy.
The authorities followed the trail of a cantankerous old biddy, leading them straight to the suspect.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find a cantankerous old biddy.
Howdy neighbor, love a sex swing mishap! Let’s get a cantankerous old biddy sometime!
I refuse to roleplay as anything but a cantankerous old biddy.

User
This party was a real snooze, until   got things jumpin'.

This party was a real snooze, until sexy kitty time got things jumpin'.
This party was a real snooze, until the basement got things jumpin'.
This party was a real snooze, until getting hella preggers got things jumpin'.
This party was a real snooze, until offending people got things jumpin'.
This party was a real snooze, until seeking death got things jumpin'.
This party was a real snooze, until ritual human sacrifice got things jumpin'.

User
those rumors I started np

In a world with those rumors I started grabbing her pussy, one man must overcome a pack of smokes. Coming this summer.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always those rumors I started. Always.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Those Rumors I Started!
For Halloween we’re peeling those rumors I started so it feels like eyeballs, and we made exciting lifetime possibilities so it feels like brains.
Men, like a plan gone horribly wrong, go farthest when they are those rumors I started.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed those rumors I started up and down the highway.



The service in this place sucks! Who do I have to fuck to get  {scp} around here?!

The service in this place sucks! Who do I have to fuck to get inflatable safety bumpers around here?!
The service in this place sucks! Who do I have to fuck to get one night in Bangkok around here?!
The service in this place sucks! Who do I have to fuck to get a guy around here?!
The service in this place sucks! Who do I have to fuck to get the girl in this photo around here?!
The service in this place sucks! Who do I have to fuck to get expulsion around here?!
The service in this place sucks! Who do I have to fuck to get oozing holes around here?!

User
Has this one been suggested already?

getting cut cleanly in half v

More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and getting cut cleanly in half in the Philippines.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a mind-erasing kit, score points by getting cut cleanly in half, and retaliatory skirmishes shall not be on the field.
I’m getting several children installed in my car, so I can be getting cut cleanly in half while I drive.
I didn’t think this house would sell with llama spit in the attic. Anyway, I’m getting cut cleanly in half.
I didn’t mean to start getting cut cleanly in half, it just happened!
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of getting cut cleanly in half came on the screen.

User
Not sure which is better:

getting smashed like a bug v

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Finishing Quickly” and it helps me with getting smashed like a bug.
I never expected to be fingered by getting smashed like a bug.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a small number of trusted men and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like getting smashed like a bug.
Today you’re on the receiving end of getting smashed like a bug.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s getting smashed like a bug and I think I believe her!
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with slow diarrhea went off early, ejecting getting smashed like a bug into the air!



getting squashed like a bug v

Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me getting squashed like a bug and it’s getting weird.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw getting squashed like a bug for the first time!
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by getting squashed like a bug.
Hooking yourself up to a machine you know nothing about while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of getting squashed like a bug.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Getting Squashed like a Bug and You”.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Getting Squashed like a Bug!” You’re cursed with The Blood-Soaked Queen until the end of the game!

User
You can make a lot of money shooting porno in your own livingroom. You can do a vanilla scene, or girl on girl, or even  {s}.

You can make a lot of money shooting porno in your own livingroom. You can do a vanilla scene, or girl on girl, or even black magic orgasms.
You can make a lot of money shooting porno in your own livingroom. You can do a vanilla scene, or girl on girl, or even an improvised explosive device.
You can make a lot of money shooting porno in your own livingroom. You can do a vanilla scene, or girl on girl, or even a lie that corrupts the Earth.
You can make a lot of money shooting porno in your own livingroom. You can do a vanilla scene, or girl on girl, or even crush beast.
You can make a lot of money shooting porno in your own livingroom. You can do a vanilla scene, or girl on girl, or even a ball gag.
You can make a lot of money shooting porno in your own livingroom. You can do a vanilla scene, or girl on girl, or even a refreshing douche of Sprite.

User
fleeing into the woods v

We need more black cards! Maybe another one about the escape route, but with fleeing into the woods!
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Fleeing into the Woods Blast!
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about fleeing into the woods?
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then fleeing into the woods really affected me.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for fleeing into the woods?
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Fleeing into the Woods and You”.



Either:
a scorch mark n

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a scorch mark in the sea.
Could you buy me a scorch mark? I’ll pay you back.
My girlfriend kicked a scorch mark, and now she’s sitting in the bathtub. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
In future times, the children will work together to build a scorch mark.
You evaded my “A Scorch Mark” attack! Most impressive.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling a scorch mark. The driver was wrestling alligators.



leaving a scorch mark v

Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: leaving-a-scorch-mark@an-infinite-supply-of-anything-and-everything-right-at-your-fucking-fingertips.net
#leaving a scorch mark shaming
In this 15th century painting, leaving a scorch mark is represented by a man with a bend for a head.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim after 8pm, or on holidays like Leaving a Scorch Mark Day.
Help! I’m leaving a scorch mark and I need YOU to do something about it!
If you ask me, leaving a scorch mark makes good neighbors.

User
my father's restless spirit nc

I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring my father's restless spirit.
At the coffee shop they put “my father's restless spirit” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into my father's restless spirit and stopped.
In this game you get to collect my father's restless spirit and craft rude kids.
Help! I’m my father's restless spirit and I need YOU to do something about it!
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for my father's restless spirit.



donated semen nc

President Reagan and his entire cabinet got donated semen before every meeting.
Happiness: An orbital laser satellite, little turds everywhere, and donated semen.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up donated semen on the porch to surprise the kids.
The thief was caught stealing the fuel line from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of donated semen.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: donated semen.
Donated semen! Donated semen! My kingdom for donated semen!



My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with  .

My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with battery acid.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with mumbo jumbo.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with the reptile brain.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with dealing drugs.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with a novelty gag dildo.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with rent-controlled coffins.



Maybe a toofer?

My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with   and  .2

My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with a mind-erasing kit and a refreshing douche of Sprite.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with a gynecological procedure and the Easter bunny.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with what you did to my face and a tribal village.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with the alpha male and a funnel.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with gross people and being carted away.
My father's will stipulated that when he died, he be buried with a sex-addicted panda and BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

User
several blows to the head np

Go, go, Gadget Several Blows to the Head!
The hardware store didn’t have a grape in a condom left, so I got several blows to the head.
I ordered several blows to the head privately over the Internet so I can get better at taking a flying leap.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be several blows to the head.
Several blows to the head! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all accidentally burning my junk.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're several blows to the head!

User
the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky nc

To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky and a violent sneeze.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky every single day.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky in the middle of each intersection.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by the sun, the moon, and the stars in the sky.

User
tooting your own horn until you go blind v

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember tooting your own horn until you go blind?”
Last time I went in a rest stop bathroom there were some guys in there tooting your own horn until you go blind. Gross.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were tooting your own horn until you go blind, would you be tooting your own horn until you go blind as well?”
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was tooting your own horn until you go blind.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find tooting your own horn until you go blind.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “tooting your own horn until you go blind” incident in the science lab.

User
testing both, for grammar:
code brown nc

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, code brown emerged.
CAUTION: Keep code brown out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but code brown.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about ruining our planet, but with code brown!
The water tower looks like it’s code brown from this angle.
But of the tree of code brown you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.


a code brown n

I didn’t think this house would sell with a code brown in the attic. Anyway, I’m greed, secrets, poison and murder.
My pharmacist separated my Judo bikini into two piles, and carefully lowered one into a code brown.
A dumpster fire brings a code brown to a child’s face.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a code brown into women’s purses and bags.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with a code brown jumping and nipping at me from below and even getting impregnated by an advanced robot.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to a code brown, even before I put on my clothes.



Is this a duplicate?
a Stygian horror n

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be a Stygian horror.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by a Stygian horror.
There is no revenge so complete as a Stygian horror.
I want to be buried with a Stygian horror.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found a Stygian horror in the walls at my office.
During the war, German scientists experimented with a Stygian horror to weaponize unrestrained passion.

User
I know the 'by' beforethe last black limits the cards you can use, but I think ours worth it.

Today police failed to apprehend  {s} that was trying to rob a bank by  {v}.2

Today police failed to apprehend the company van that was trying to rob a bank by fusing together.
Today police failed to apprehend one of the Baldwin brothers that was trying to rob a bank by placing yourself above others.
Today police failed to apprehend a summer sausage that was trying to rob a bank by being nude, spread eagle toward the sun.
Today police failed to apprehend a preserved brain in a jar that was trying to rob a bank by throwing up in an autistic woman’s lap.
Today police failed to apprehend a gentleman with the tummy grumbles that was trying to rob a bank by jabbing people in the eye.
Today police failed to apprehend the Army that was trying to rob a bank by soul-damning.

User
this thing I found in the attic n

The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: People Bumping and Grinding at Each Other with No Sense of Rhythm Does This Thing I Found in the Attic.
During routine surgery, the doctors found this thing I found in the attic embedded in my abdomen.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen this thing I found in the attic.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find this thing I found in the attic.
Here’s a certificate for this thing I found in the attic. I am at your service.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on this thing I found in the attic.

User
Too long?
One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her  {n} right in her office.

One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her a loaded gun right in her office.
One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her hookers in the trunk right in her office.
One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her repair service right in her office.
One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her a projectile right in her office.
One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her inhabitants right in her office.
One time my dad was so furious at getting a parking ticket that he went to see the mayor and gave her the Black Prince right in her office.

User
a giant smoking crater n

At the winery tour we saw how they put a giant smoking crater and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like Gene Simmons’ tongue.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value a giant smoking crater more. Now hold still.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about a giant smoking crater.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk a giant smoking crater.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had a giant smoking crater removed so he could be muscles.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a giant smoking crater.

User
dark thoughts np

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider dark thoughts.
They said dark thoughts was out of my league, but I showed them. I got the atom!
Always walk into an interview with dark thoughts and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate hot wax.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Dark Thoughts?
For my last meal I want dark thoughts seasoned heavily with a real butt-toucher.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted dark thoughts to the vastness of space.

User
Futurama just gave me a twofer:

lots of harmless pinching vt

Thanks for lots of harmless pinching last night. *wink* *wink*
When I get older, I don’t want to be lots of harmless pinching.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for lots of harmless pinching.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and lots of harmless pinching.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by lots of harmless pinching around the building.
Don’t shake an army of 35,000 men so hard, it’ll start lots of harmless pinching.



being forced through a fine mesh screen v

Men, like something I just hate, go farthest when they are being forced through a fine mesh screen.
Although moving away from morphine proved effective for schools, the switch to being forced through a fine mesh screen initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
R Kelly fantasizes about being forced through a fine mesh screen with a young Beyonce.
Being forced through a fine mesh screen brings a shitty, useless planet to a child’s face.
I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me being forced through a fine mesh screen at the party last night.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of being forced through a fine mesh screen.

User
blaming me for this mess v

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am blaming me for this mess. Would you like to try our new special, tumbling down a mountain?
Although moving away from blaming me for this mess proved effective for schools, the switch to those responsible initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide blaming me for this mess directly.
What the large recoil department lacks in selection, we make up for in blaming me for this mess.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be blaming me for this mess.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on blaming me for this mess.

User
St Anthony's Home for the Goofy nc

The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in St Anthony's Home for the Goofy.
I need a hotel room with balls caught in the car window, and I need St Anthony's Home for the Goofy brought to me every four hours.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge St Anthony's Home for the Goofy.
On Ebay you can get St Anthony's Home for the Goofy but it comes in several tiny boxes.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise St Anthony's Home for the Goofy by rewarding them with NAMBLA.
I reached expectantly into St Anthony's Home for the Goofy, but found only ear worms.

User
her heaving bosom n

At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took her heaving bosom to the funeral.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by her heaving bosom and dying in captivity.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “her heaving bosom.”
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of her heaving bosom.
There is no revenge so complete as her heaving bosom.
Shepherds in Scotland have used her heaving bosom for years to keep the flock from zebras disguised as horses.

User
From Futurama:

death by sonic diarrhea nc

This year’s hottest new fashion is death by sonic diarrhea on your head.
Science never solves a problem without creating death by sonic diarrhea.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about death by sonic diarrhea?
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Death by Sonic Diarrhea”! I shook his hand and it felt like death by sonic diarrhea.
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into death by sonic diarrhea before laughing and lying.
Honey, you can’t keep putting death by sonic diarrhea down the garbage disposal!

User
discovering your wife is your mom v

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “discovering your wife is your mom”.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep discovering your wife is your mom out of mainland China.
I like my women like I like discovering your wife is your mom: smearing with a doozy.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to discovering your wife is your mom.
It’s not delivery. It’s discovering your wife is your mom.
Discovering your wife is your mom like this is enough to kill a horse!

User
tandem showering vt

When I get older, I don’t want to be tandem showering.
The thief was caught stealing work from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of tandem showering.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Tandem Showering” and it helps me with infinite sausage.
I tried tandem showering but it was too tight. Then I tried subordinated masculinity but it was TOO LOOSE.
A social skill is any skill facilitating tandem showering with others.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how tandem showering happens.



 : it's not gay, it's efficient!

an ice cream truck: it's not gay, it's efficient!
an excellent target: it's not gay, it's efficient!
hiding just around the corner: it's not gay, it's efficient!
Muslim leaders who condemn terrorism: it's not gay, it's efficient!
making out: it's not gay, it's efficient!
a top hat full of assholes: it's not gay, it's efficient!

User
Obviously this isn't another poop card. I don't think a judge in the world would convict me.

anything but fecal matter n

Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with anything but fecal matter! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in anything but fecal matter.
On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing anything but fecal matter.”
Anything but fecal matter failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward the seedy underbelly.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put anything but fecal matter in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking anything but fecal matter into women’s purses and bags.

User
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed  .

Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed a perverted, unnatural cavern.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed relative tranquility.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed all white moms.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed a gentle, flourished spanking.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed stunning, beautiful moobs.
Can you call poison control? My daughter may have just swallowed my father’s example.



my mouth nc

Men, like a good thing for the heart, go farthest when they are my mouth.
I need a hotel room with a smooth vagina, and I need my mouth brought to me every four hours.
For Halloween we’re peeling the immigrant experience in America so it feels like eyeballs, and we made my mouth so it feels like brains.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “My Mouth
For my last meal I want my mouth seasoned heavily with just the thing.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: my mouth.

User
either me or you nc

SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into either me or you, get to the front of the line.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Either Me or You?
A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been learning an important lesson. The snail may have escaped either me or you by going underground.
Either me or you is the only way to say goodbye.
You stole either me or you from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re an anatomically correct sock puppet and you’re going to hell!
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me either me or you and it’s getting weird.

User
expressing his glands v

The cruiseliner struck the seedy underbelly and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with expressing his glands.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a pinch, score points by expressing his glands, and rhythmic pounding shall not be on the field.
Expressing his glands brings butt sounds to a child’s face.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in expressing his glands.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Expressing His Glands”! I shook his hand and it felt like expressing his glands.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk expressing his glands.

User
a rich, luxuriant beard n

Here’s a certificate for a rich, luxuriant beard. I am at your service.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: A Rich, Luxuriant Beard Blast!
Give a man a rich, luxuriant beard and you feed him for a day. Give him black leggings, and you feed him for a lifetime.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A rich, luxuriant beard.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to a rich, luxuriant beard.
You can’t get 60 seconds big enough or a rich, luxuriant beard long enough to suit me.



a junior detective n

My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing a junior detective, since we’re so good at it.
My favorite new band is “A Gaggle of Nuns and a Junior Detective”.
The TSA has made new rules mandating a junior detective on every commercial flight.
A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been counting the dead sons. The snail may have escaped a junior detective by going underground.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a junior detective really affected me.
See now black people walk like a segmented penis. But white people -- white people walk like they’re a junior detective!

User
a brain squid n

I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find a brain squid.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a brain squid, part was orgies, and it was crowned with half a spider.
A brain squid has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
At the skating rink there was a brain squid and everyone fell down at once.
Ugh. I ate a brain squid last night and I’ve been trying to put on $200 worth of Taco Bell™ all morning.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is a brain squid.



Today while playing Pokemon Go I found   down by the lake.

Today while playing Pokemon Go I found dudes down by the lake.
Today while playing Pokemon Go I found God in human form down by the lake.
Today while playing Pokemon Go I found setbacks down by the lake.
Today while playing Pokemon Go I found Krampus, the child punisher down by the lake.
Today while playing Pokemon Go I found just a little something to cap off the night down by the lake.
Today while playing Pokemon Go I found a backup plan down by the lake.



legal bangin' age nc

The White House will no longer enforce The Legal Bangin' Age Act of 1959. Thank God.
My dream house has legal bangin' age built in, an extra garage for a creepier perv, and loudspeakers for the door bell.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of sharp claws, legal bangin' age, and a Japanese vending machine.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “legal bangin' age”.
I need a hotel room with legal bangin' age, and I need erotic pajamas brought to me every four hours.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s legal bangin' age straddled by beef curtains.

User
the infinite abyss n

I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to the infinite abyss.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of the infinite abyss.
I don’t know what, but BILLIONS of them failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward the infinite abyss.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: The infinite abyss and a gaunt face.
All the best love stories include the infinite abyss.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “the infinite abyss.”

User
Mt. Blood Sacrifice, the Happiest Place on Earth nc

If you kids don’t stop throwing up in an autistic woman’s lap, I will turn Mt. Blood Sacrifice, the Happiest Place on Earth around!
I love your necklace! It’s Mt. Blood Sacrifice, the Happiest Place on Earth, right?
Until quite recently, Mt. Blood Sacrifice, the Happiest Place on Earth had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
CAUTION: Keep Mt. Blood Sacrifice, the Happiest Place on Earth out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
Mt. Blood Sacrifice, the Happiest Place on Earth! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all making out.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began Mt. Blood Sacrifice, the Happiest Place on Earth.



Dan said it's probably better as separate cards:

Mt. Blood Sacrifice nc

During the war, German scientists experimented with Mt. Blood Sacrifice to weaponize whatEVER.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, Mt. Blood Sacrifice popped out!
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get crush beast removed from her and Mt. Blood Sacrifice removed from me.
Look, man, I’m not into Mt. Blood Sacrifice. But $20 is $20.
Growing up we never had Mt. Blood Sacrifice, but we had to deal with being lured into a van, and I want the opposite for my children.
I want to be buried with Mt. Blood Sacrifice.



the Happiest Place on Earth n

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider the Happiest Place on Earth.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of the Happiest Place on Earth, palace after palace, and human tears out of a champagne flute.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with the Happiest Place on Earth and a mysterious boy who fights a deep cut.
Let the Happiest Place on Earth host your next party, providing more blood like you’ve never seen before.
This workplace has gone (0) days without the Happiest Place on Earth.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a radical student and my card appeared in the Happiest Place on Earth!

User
I also wanted to try

the use of advanced Kama Sutra techniques n

A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in the use of advanced Kama Sutra techniques.
There’s no reason for the use of advanced Kama Sutra techniques before breakfast.
We couldn’t land because of the use of advanced Kama Sutra techniques caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like a strongly-worded letter.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got crush beast painted on both sides, which some say encourages the use of advanced Kama Sutra techniques.
At the winery tour we saw how they put heavy hearts and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like the use of advanced Kama Sutra techniques.
Getting the use of advanced Kama Sutra techniques back out of a volcano is next to impossible.



...but maybe it's too long. Is it better than:
advanced Kama Sutra techniques np

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with advanced Kama Sutra techniques.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS ADVANCED KAMA SUTRA TECHNIQUES MOTHERING.”
The thief was caught stealing Schadenfreude from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of advanced Kama Sutra techniques.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see advanced Kama Sutra techniques spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to advanced Kama Sutra techniques, even before I put on my clothes.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be advanced Kama Sutra techniques if I wanted a new family.



And obligate black card:
Jamaica is offering   for free to everyone to attract more tourists.

Jamaica is offering manliness for free to everyone to attract more tourists.
Jamaica is offering keepin’ it tight for free to everyone to attract more tourists.
Jamaica is offering a human for free to everyone to attract more tourists.
Jamaica is offering a backseat for free to everyone to attract more tourists.
Jamaica is offering caressing a face for free to everyone to attract more tourists.
Jamaica is offering spraying up the wall for free to everyone to attract more tourists.

User
using advanced Kama Sutra techniques v

Using advanced Kama Sutra techniques brings lots of rattled nerves to a child’s face.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using using advanced Kama Sutra techniques to treat human murder!
When the beef came at me it was like using advanced Kama Sutra techniques.
Alexander also named a city in India “Using Advanced Kama Sutra Techniques” after his dead horse.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with using advanced Kama Sutra techniques.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about using advanced Kama Sutra techniques.

User
Here's a black card to go with my last post!

In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch  {s} at the girls camp.

In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch a honey bee’s brain at the girls camp.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch a naked man running in the freeway at the girls camp.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch a homeless man jerking it on the bus at the girls camp.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch something equivalent at the girls camp.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch my sweet at the girls camp.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch the heterosexual agenda at the girls camp.

User
a shame of lions n

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be a shame of lions if I wanted a new family.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like that urpy feeling like when you eat too much and is carrying a shame of lions.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other by rewarding them with a shame of lions.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in a shame of lions.
During routine surgery, the doctors found a shame of lions embedded in my abdomen.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a shame of lions in the sea.

User
summoning a succubus v

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of summoning a succubus.
If you have a dream about the S.W.A.T. team, it meas you’re worried about summoning a succubus.
I’m summoning a succubus for Jesus.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with summoning a succubus.
I tried the first chimp in space but it was too tight. Then I tried summoning a succubus but it was TOO LOOSE.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by summoning a succubus.

User
electric sex nc

Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from poisoning a child with electric sex.
What the electric sex department lacks in selection, we make up for in Portuguese possessions.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being electric sex.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of electric sex in the soil.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with electric sex! It’s all here in my manifesto!
How high do you have to be to enjoy a crouton in electric sex?

User
a jar of centipedes and a funnel n

I went rafting, saw a jar of centipedes and a funnel in the river, no big deal.
We couldn’t land because of a jar of centipedes and a funnel caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like killing.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Jar of Centipedes and a Funnel!
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a jar of centipedes and a funnel and I think I believe her!
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a jar of centipedes and a funnel... Sweet! Sunny-D!
Life without love is like a falling tree without a jar of centipedes and a funnel or fruit.

User
a prison riot n

The first item of evidence in The People vs. A Prison Riot is a determined shark.
I need a hotel room with a prison riot, and I need unbridled fury brought to me every four hours.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a prison riot.
I was so surprised to see a prison riot that inhabitants fell out of my mouth.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of a prison riot on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Back in my day, we only had fat guys dressed as Sailor Moon for a prison riot and we LIKED IT.

User
a trip to the moon n

How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of cannibals, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into a trip to the moon.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a trip to the moon emerged.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with a trip to the moon slowly overtaking the buildings.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a trip to the moon.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a trip to the moon. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from buffing that vagina with a trip to the moon.

User
going back into the closet v

Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of two F-bombs going back into the closet.
Going back into the closet like this is enough to kill a horse!
Howdy neighbor, love going back into the closet! Let’s get getting wrapped around a tree sometime!
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of going back into the closet.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and going back into the closet.
Don’t shake a friend so hard, it’ll start going back into the closet.

User
our lovemaking n

Let’s wait for rumble mode to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get our lovemaking.
If our lovemaking were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
I’ve been chopping down trees to build our lovemaking for me and my wife.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “our lovemaking” incident in the science lab.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “our lovemaking.”
I buried my treasure under our lovemaking so you’d never find it!

User
 {n} is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.

a carefully contained fart is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
no minors is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
a hysterical dame is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
a strong magnet is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
a small chubby is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.
a tug is not something you want to slide up your ass with reckless abandon.

User
allowing me to live v

My kid was acting like the manner to which I am accustomed, so I took away allowing me to live privileges.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of allowing me to live in its food processing operations.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “allowing me to live.”
When I saw zebras disguised as horses I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, allowing me to live, I went white as a sheet!
Our artisanal process ages nutters running around with chainsaws for 3 years, before going right into a spooky mummy, rapidly allowing me to live.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me allowing me to live and it’s getting weird.

User
a basket of deplorables n

Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get affectionate biting removed from her and a basket of deplorables removed from me.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a basket of deplorables that overturned their car.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a basket of deplorables.
This workplace has gone (0) days without a basket of deplorables.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a basket of deplorables in the soil.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a basket of deplorables.

User
mostly filler nc

I got into my car and sat on mostly filler. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
When the celestial spheres align, mostly filler will descend from the heavens.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around mostly filler on the freeway.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as grunting mermaids equipped with mostly filler.
Uh oh. I think mostly filler just fell out of my bung hole.
In this game you get to collect females with four teats and craft mostly filler.



mostly filler, and some actual meat nc

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience mostly filler, and some actual meat like I was really there.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with mostly filler, and some actual meat.
On Ebay you can get mostly filler, and some actual meat but it comes in several tiny boxes.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in mostly filler, and some actual meat in the middle of each intersection.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found mostly filler, and some actual meat in the walls at my office.
Authorities were tallying damage from mostly filler, and some actual meat that struck southern California Friday evening.



Which is the best pronoun for this card:

vibrating my pineal gland v

How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of loudspeakers, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into vibrating my pineal gland.
I’m late to my meeting for vibrating my pineal gland.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Vibrating my pineal gland, a little of this, a little of that and acting in an irresponsible fashion.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always vibrating my pineal gland. Always.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with vibrating my pineal gland.
Apparently, “Vibrating My Pineal Gland” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.

User
giving good solid advice v

They didn’t have my last tooth at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed giving good solid advice.
Pundits agree it will take giving good solid advice for the senator to win the election.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from giving good solid advice with fingernail torture.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly giving good solid advice right in front of their children.
Although moving away from giving good solid advice proved effective for schools, the switch to unsuspecting bystanders initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of giving good solid advice.

User
permutation time!

a severe titty twister n

What the pirate booty department lacks in selection, we make up for in a severe titty twister.
Is it true that in Nevada you can pay for a lady making me cum with a severe titty twister?
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a severe titty twister.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by a severe titty twister.
I got so drunk last night that I got a severe titty twister all over everyone and everything.
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into a severe titty twister before hiding under the bed.



giving a severe titty twister v

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide giving a severe titty twister directly.
Jesus is giving a severe titty twister.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about giving a severe titty twister and feeling fat and sassy. Should I talk to him?
R Kelly fantasizes about giving a severe titty twister with a young Beyonce.
In the public giving a severe titty twister model, a third-party service provider delivers the giving a severe titty twister service over the Internet.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had amputated eyelids removed so he could be giving a severe titty twister.



getting a severe titty twister v

The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Evading capture, a remarkably swift recovery and getting a severe titty twister.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am maximum bitch mode. Would you like to try our new special, getting a severe titty twister?
10% of all proceeds from sales of my musk will go to The Getting a Severe Titty Twister Foundation.
If you ask me, getting a severe titty twister makes good neighbors.
Dad! I’m all done getting a severe titty twister, so I have spongy flesh left over if you’re still interested.
Casting a hex while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of getting a severe titty twister.

User
a lot of dragon sperm nc

J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a lot of dragon sperm.
During my driving test, I backed my car into a lot of dragon sperm. I still got an 85!
Furious that I was soul-damning into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a lot of dragon sperm.
My mom picked me up a lot of dragon sperm from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a lot of dragon sperm.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a lot of dragon sperm.

User
There's a Black Friday sale on  . The perfect gift for Mom!

There's a Black Friday sale on a mutilated torso. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on a swanky new style. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on Lord Deathstroke. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on years of pain. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on a death sentence. The perfect gift for Mom!
There's a Black Friday sale on turtles that have to pee. The perfect gift for Mom!

User
scooting his butt on the carpet v

Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of the measure of a man and a mouthfeel like scooting his butt on the carpet.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw scooting his butt on the carpet for the first time!
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am scooting his butt on the carpet. Would you like to try our new special, inertia?
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find scooting his butt on the carpet.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like scooting his butt on the carpet.
Go, go, Gadget Scooting His Butt on the Carpet!



a heap of trash n

When the stadium was demolished it ejected a heap of trash, which hung in the air for days.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a heap of trash and is carrying the normal manner.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a heap of trash.
Last Christmas, I gave you a heap of trash. The very next day, you gave it away.
If you kids don’t stop farting like a bagpipe, I will turn a heap of trash around!
Here’s a certificate for a heap of trash. I am at your service.

User
the strangler n

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for the strangler.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s the strangler.
The authorities followed the trail of the strangler, leading them straight to the suspect.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling the strangler. The driver was having a zero-value existence.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build the strangler for me and my wife.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for the strangler.

User
She said "I'm  {v}!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"

She said "I'm screaming and barfing a little!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm being nude, spread eagle toward the sun!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm basing my opinion on Internet articles!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm expectorating some sludge!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm violently crashing down the stairs!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"
She said "I'm ruining our planet!" and I said "Well, that means we're common law married!"

User
loose morals nc

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began loose morals.
For my last meal I want loose morals seasoned heavily with surviving.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of loose morals and a mouthfeel like uneaten food.
In future times, the children will work together to build loose morals.
Daddy! There’s loose morals under my bed. Kill it kill it!
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of loose morals.

User
I've got a really bad idea:

 {n} landed on my stomach, which hurt pretty bad, but the amazing thing is that  {nc} came shooting out of my ass!2

my illegitimate son landed on my stomach, which hurt pretty bad, but the amazing thing is that stubby fingers came shooting out of my ass!
your imaginary friend, Captain Howdy landed on my stomach, which hurt pretty bad, but the amazing thing is that a salad came shooting out of my ass!
a sex swing landed on my stomach, which hurt pretty bad, but the amazing thing is that a stroke came shooting out of my ass!
a fisherman landed on my stomach, which hurt pretty bad, but the amazing thing is that a little spurt came shooting out of my ass!
my secret sex gymnasium landed on my stomach, which hurt pretty bad, but the amazing thing is that dilation of the uterus came shooting out of my ass!
gangstas landed on my stomach, which hurt pretty bad, but the amazing thing is that all your drama came shooting out of my ass!

User
a citrus-pine scented double ply taint-wipe n

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a citrus-pine scented double ply taint-wipe onto the International Space Station.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always a citrus-pine scented double ply taint-wipe. Always.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. A Citrus-pine Scented Double Ply Taint-wipe is a gentle, flourished spanking.
I ordered a citrus-pine scented double ply taint-wipe privately over the Internet so I can get better at saving all the Jews.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from a citrus-pine scented double ply taint-wipe, and the eco-glass windows trap in five adult sons.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of unknown assailants in history, rode into battle atop a citrus-pine scented double ply taint-wipe.

User
I looked up " " in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving  .2

I looked up "relative tranquility" in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving lots of rattled nerves.
I looked up "a weak little person" in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving toned thighs.
I looked up "smooth boys" in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving Pakistani cosmonauts.
I looked up "a foul odor" in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving an infinite supply of anything and everything right at your fucking fingertips.
I looked up "a suitcase full of guns and money" in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a 1 cm square patch of skin.
I looked up "lifting off the toilet" in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a crudely-drawn dick.

User
a stable, monogamous, heterosexual relationship n

The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of a stable, monogamous, heterosexual relationship, so the temporary replacement uses the gravy dimension.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a stable, monogamous, heterosexual relationship.
The hardware store didn’t have a stable, monogamous, heterosexual relationship left, so I got a deal breaker.
During my driving test, I backed my car into a stable, monogamous, heterosexual relationship. I still got an 85!
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a stable, monogamous, heterosexual relationship.”
I can’t believe you guys went mistreating the clitoris without me! Loop me in next time, I want a stable, monogamous, heterosexual relationship too!

User
being ashamed of your nakedness v

Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using being ashamed of your nakedness to treat a hackneyed truism!
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by being ashamed of your nakedness.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in being ashamed of your nakedness.
When I get older, I don’t want to be being ashamed of your nakedness.
Let sticker residue host your next party, providing being ashamed of your nakedness like you’ve never seen before.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began being ashamed of your nakedness.

User
at least 10 pounds of pork nc

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking at least 10 pounds of pork onto the International Space Station.
Let’s wait for a good strategy to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get at least 10 pounds of pork.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of at least 10 pounds of pork turning tricks on the street corner.
My house. 8 o’clock. At least 10 pounds of pork.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always at least 10 pounds of pork just around the corner.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by at least 10 pounds of pork.



dogfood that makes its own gravy nc

When the stadium was demolished it ejected dogfood that makes its own gravy, which hung in the air for days.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into dogfood that makes its own gravy! She’s 62!
I pushed hard enough to snap long deep kisses with eyes wide open, but some powerful kind of dogfood that makes its own gravy was blocking the door.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, dogfood that makes its own gravy popped out!
I buried my treasure under dogfood that makes its own gravy so you’d never find it!
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for dogfood that makes its own gravy.

User
drinking some syrup v

I tried drinking some syrup but it was too tight. Then I tried a gush but it was TOO LOOSE.
Always walk into an interview with my exoskeleton and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate drinking some syrup.
This year’s hottest new fashion is drinking some syrup on your head.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a serious scuffle and a mouthfeel like drinking some syrup.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is drinking some syrup.
My favorite new band is “Clemency and Drinking Some Syrup”.

User
a cow fetus, floating in formaldehyde nc

Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with feminine hygiene products. So bring a cow fetus, floating in formaldehyde.
Wake turbulence, also known as things that aren’t fruit, is turbulence that forms behind a cow fetus, floating in formaldehyde as it passes through the air.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “a cow fetus, floating in formaldehyde” incident in the science lab.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Cow Fetus, Floating in Formaldehyde.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a cow fetus, floating in formaldehyde in the pillows.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a cow fetus, floating in formaldehyde and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like dryness problems.



(Thank you Neil Gaiman)
User
Dr. Sangfroid n

If you have a dream about Dr. Sangfroid, it meas you’re worried about literally every single thing.
Dr. Sangfroid like this is enough to kill a horse!
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling Dr. Sangfroid. The driver was putting on pants.
CAUTION: Keep Dr. Sangfroid out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
During routine surgery, the doctors found Dr. Sangfroid embedded in my abdomen.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but Dr. Sangfroid.

User
a schill for our alien overlords nc

It’s not delivery. It’s a schill for our alien overlords.
Furious that I was pandering to the normies into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a schill for our alien overlords.
Back in my day, we only had a schill for our alien overlords for exciting lifetime possibilities and we LIKED IT.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a schill for our alien overlords.
How high do you have to be to enjoy a schill for our alien overlords in the absolute verifiable truth?
For my last meal I want a schill for our alien overlords seasoned heavily with a hackneyed truism.

User
being attacked by the Japanese v

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re being attacked by the Japanese and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide being attacked by the Japanese directly.
Being attacked by a skeleton while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of being attacked by the Japanese.
Happiness: Bigger problems, nudity, and being attacked by the Japanese.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me being attacked by the Japanese and it’s getting weird.
On the assembly line we heat an under-the-table interaction to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is being attacked by the Japanese.



fusing with the alien v

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of fusing with the alien came on the screen.
When I get older, I don’t want to be fusing with the alien.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using fusing with the alien to treat a fishy substance!
Fusing with the alien failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward antibiotics.
Fusing with the alien! Fusing with the alien! My kingdom for fusing with the alien!
Our artisanal process ages a bony ass for 3 years, before going right into fusing with the alien, rapidly keelhauling.

User
putting on masks and fucking vt

I’m late to my meeting for putting on masks and fucking.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Putting on Masks and Fucking.
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of putting on masks and fucking, so the temporary replacement uses a cheesy substance.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only an anatomically correct sock puppet and putting on masks and fucking.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience putting on masks and fucking like I was really there.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate putting on masks and fucking.

User
edible underpants np

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with edible underpants.
If you kids don’t stop trusting everything the devil says, I will turn edible underpants around!
Howdy neighbor, love finding a safe place! Let’s get edible underpants sometime!
What were you doing in here? I keep finding edible underpants between the couch cushions.
On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing edible underpants.”
Don’t look at me while I’m edible underpants! It messes me up!


incredible underpants np

The thief was caught stealing carrion birds from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of incredible underpants.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Incredible Underpants?
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about sugar from my father, but with incredible underpants!
Give a man another way to kill me and you feed him for a day. Give him incredible underpants, and you feed him for a lifetime.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began incredible underpants.
Last night I dreamed of my work. I cannot shake the feeling that incredible underpants will arrive soon.

User
achieving an orgasm v

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for achieving an orgasm?
Amtrak officials confirm achieving an orgasm would have prevented train derailment.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for achieving an orgasm.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into achieving an orgasm! She’s 62!
In this 15th century painting, achieving an orgasm is represented by a man with a lack of ideas for a head.
Throughout human history, achieving an orgasm has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.

User
what we all should have expected nc

At the winery tour we saw how they put what we all should have expected and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like voluminous hair.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, what we all should have expected popped out!
I am become inertia, the destroyer of what we all should have expected.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value what we all should have expected more. Now hold still.
But of the tree of knowledge of what we all should have expected and half a spider you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into what we all should have expected, get to the front of the line.

User
Today for show and tell Pat showed the class  . We thought it was awesome, but the teacher gave Pat an F.

Today for show and tell Pat showed the class uneaten food. We thought it was awesome, but the teacher gave Pat an F.
Today for show and tell Pat showed the class a stolen Army helicopter. We thought it was awesome, but the teacher gave Pat an F.
Today for show and tell Pat showed the class a muffled yell. We thought it was awesome, but the teacher gave Pat an F.
Today for show and tell Pat showed the class insincerity. We thought it was awesome, but the teacher gave Pat an F.
Today for show and tell Pat showed the class Taco Bell®. We thought it was awesome, but the teacher gave Pat an F.
Today for show and tell Pat showed the class what may become a boner. We thought it was awesome, but the teacher gave Pat an F.

User
a device for crimping metal n

Life is so strange. I went to college to learn spongy flesh, but now for work I’m a device for crimping metal. Go figure!
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of a Japanese woman’s underwear, so the temporary replacement uses a device for crimping metal.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not a device for crimping metal like your brother?”
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: a device for crimping metal.
Great job on the proposal for doing it RIGHT this time!, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a device for crimping metal.
A device for crimping metal like this is enough to kill a horse!

User
the princess's saliva n

Happiness: The princess's saliva, reaching around, and a steering wheel.
The two biggest floats at the Macy’s Parade this year are gettin’ all up close and the princess's saliva.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from the princess's saliva.
At Boeing R&D, we test a curve by connecting through the princess's saliva to a special 10,000-volt battery.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about the princess's saliva and a snake pit. Should I talk to him?
Growing up we never had the princess's saliva, but we had to deal with one mile of train rail, and I want the opposite for my children.

User
butchering an octopus v

I’ll never know why my grandparents find butchering an octopus so relaxing.
I ordered an enhanced interrogation privately over the Internet so I can get better at butchering an octopus.
Butchering an octopus nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid a gentle kiss on the teeth.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from butchering an octopus, and the eco-glass windows trap in a box for your poop.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore butchering an octopus in a very realistic way.
Butchering an octopus isn’t getting old, but I sure am!

User
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate   to prepare for a mission to mars.

SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate complex maths to prepare for a mission to mars.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate deliberately standing in front of a cannon to prepare for a mission to mars.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate being trapped in a tent to prepare for a mission to mars.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate bad math to prepare for a mission to mars.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate dryness problems to prepare for a mission to mars.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate the southwest corner to prepare for a mission to mars.

User
habanero poops n

The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Habanero Poops?
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Habanero Poops and You”.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of habanero poops.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by habanero poops.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about habanero poops.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience habanero poops like I was really there.

User
a secret government blacksite n

Every French soldier carries a secret government blacksite in his knapsack.
They don’t make bodily fluids like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a secret government blacksite.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a secret government blacksite on the porch to surprise the kids.
We can be a secret government blacksite. And no one has to know.
What the white men with guns department lacks in selection, we make up for in a secret government blacksite.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with a secret government blacksite.

User
What is this, I don't even.

User
Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me  {n}.

Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me my illegitimate son.
Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me that jackass.
Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me a debased woman.
Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me cute lil’ child soldiers.
Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me the ’80s.
Whatever doesn't kill me, makes me stuff Asians like.

User
a positive attitude n

SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into a positive attitude, get to the front of the line.
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with a positive attitude hanging in the window.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as a positive attitude surfaced from below.
In a world with inquisitive middle schoolers sinking into the mud, one man must overcome a positive attitude. Coming this summer.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide a positive attitude directly.
I want to be buried with a positive attitude.



smiles and sunshine np

A social skill is any skill facilitating smiles and sunshine with others.
For my last meal I want smiles and sunshine seasoned heavily with a bitter rivalry.
The cineplex has been using smiles and sunshine in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was smiles and sunshine.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me smiles and sunshine.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was stuff Asians like, part was smiles and sunshine, and it was crowned with space Nazis.

User
some dork n

CAUTION: Keep some dork out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found some dork.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to some dork.
I didn’t think this house would sell with mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores in the attic. Anyway, I’m some dork.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Some Dork?
You stole vacuous remarks from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re some dork and you’re going to hell!



this lady I used to know n

Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with this lady I used to know hanging in the window.
The hardware store didn’t have this lady I used to know left, so I got a carefully contained fart.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with this lady I used to know slowly overtaking the buildings.
Chase bank is giving out this lady I used to know this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
Let’s wait for gut-wrenching testimony to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get this lady I used to know.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put this lady I used to know in the pillows.

User
having a five-way with quadruplets v

Then God said, “Let there be having a five-way with quadruplets”; and there was having a five-way with quadruplets. And God saw that having a five-way with quadruplets was good.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and having a five-way with quadruplets.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Having a Five-way with Quadruplets!
But I promised my kids they could get having a five-way with quadruplets for Christmas!
A lifetime of having a five-way with quadruplets awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
I’m late to my meeting for having a five-way with quadruplets.

User
his vagina n

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me his vagina.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with his vagina jumping and nipping at me from below and even getting too excited.
Always walk into an interview with his vagina and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate space madness.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a real value-loving bot that hates his vagina.
This workplace has gone (0) days without his vagina.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had smooth bastard destroyed and his vagina killed as well.

User
the grossest whiff of minty poot n

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a nurse. Would you like to try our new special, the grossest whiff of minty poot?
But I promised my kids they could get the grossest whiff of minty poot for Christmas!
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling the grossest whiff of minty poot. The driver was laughing and lying.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on the grossest whiff of minty poot.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. The Grossest Whiff of Minty Poot is ice cold seawater.
If my neighbor doesn’t get the grossest whiff of minty poot off my property, I’m calling the cops!

User
Bill Murray's puppydog eyes np

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, Bill Murray's puppydog eyes emerged.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk Bill Murray's puppydog eyes.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with Bill Murray's puppydog eyes!”
Lonely guys in Japan can buy Bill Murray's puppydog eyes that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
You stole Bill Murray's puppydog eyes from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re making it weird and you’re going to hell!
Who so pulleth out good people of this stone is rightwise king born of Bill Murray's puppydog eyes.

User
sneezing blood v

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by sneezing blood.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore sneezing blood in a very realistic way.
A lifetime of sneezing blood awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
My publisher demanded I remove sneezing blood from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Their rising all at once was as the sound of sneezing blood heard remote.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was the last wish of a dying man, part was sneezing blood, and it was crowned with reasonable stereotypes.

User
her penis n

In my wild days I was licking, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with her penis on the New Mexico border.
Go, go, Gadget Her Penis!
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be her penis if I wanted a new family.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took her penis to the funeral.
Don’t look at me while I’m her penis! It messes me up!
Let a syringe of Tabasco host your next party, providing her penis like you’ve never seen before.

User
several clones of hitler np

I’ll never know why my grandparents find several clones of hitler so relaxing.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began several clones of hitler.
Ever since rigid peen appeared in the neighborhood, several clones of hitler has been eyed with suspicion.
I got into my car and sat on several clones of hitler. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a very hot pan for years to keep the flock from several clones of hitler.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had several clones of hitler destroyed and The White House killed as well.

User
the breezeway of mysteries n

The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of the breezeway of mysteries, so the temporary replacement uses oil-covered birds.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of the breezeway of mysteries, the digital bonus pack, and a tribal village.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was unneeded bulk, part was an invisible wall, and it was crowned with the breezeway of mysteries.
This workplace has gone (0) days without the breezeway of mysteries.
My kid was acting like the breezeway of mysteries, so I took away moral ambiguity privileges.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: The Breezeway of Mysteries Does a Lumberjack Orgy.

User
getting stepped on by a dominatrix v

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s getting stepped on by a dominatrix.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a dead clown on the stairs, while a man is getting stepped on by a dominatrix on a galloping horse.
Ever since nature’s candy appeared in the neighborhood, getting stepped on by a dominatrix has been eyed with suspicion.
Don’t look at me while I’m getting stepped on by a dominatrix! It messes me up!
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide getting stepped on by a dominatrix directly.
Growing up we never had the death simulator, but we had to deal with getting stepped on by a dominatrix, and I want the opposite for my children.

User
The new artsy indie game uses  {nc} to explore   and real emotion.2

The new artsy indie game uses orgies to explore a bunch of kids and real emotion.
The new artsy indie game uses a suitcase full of guns and money to explore soft buns and real emotion.
The new artsy indie game uses blindness to explore you sick fucks and real emotion.
The new artsy indie game uses a ripcord to explore a grave error and real emotion.
The new artsy indie game uses smooth bastard to explore the Dutch oven and real emotion.
The new artsy indie game uses inquisitive middle schoolers to explore adults eating teenagers alive and real emotion.

User
My parole officer is breathing down my neck. Could you buy me  ? I'll pay you back.

My parole officer is breathing down my neck. Could you buy me lips all licorice? I'll pay you back.
My parole officer is breathing down my neck. Could you buy me a bad chicken? I'll pay you back.
My parole officer is breathing down my neck. Could you buy me a flimsy pterodactyl? I'll pay you back.
My parole officer is breathing down my neck. Could you buy me $200 worth of Taco Bell™? I'll pay you back.
My parole officer is breathing down my neck. Could you buy me caressing a face? I'll pay you back.
My parole officer is breathing down my neck. Could you buy me a strangler? I'll pay you back.

User
this live grenade n

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is this live grenade.
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in this live grenade.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for this live grenade.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value this live grenade more. Now hold still.
The survey team detected a big ol’ fruit at the work site so I threw this live grenade in my truck and drove straight there.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to this live grenade.

User
the loudest sound in history n

Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value the loudest sound in history more. Now hold still.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in the loudest sound in history.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with the loudest sound in history.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide the loudest sound in history directly.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by the loudest sound in history around the building.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of the loudest sound in history, Angelina Jolie’s lips, and fly honeys.

User
Just for variety:

that coward Billy Carter n

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by that coward Billy Carter.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to that coward Billy Carter.
In this 15th century painting, #1 Dad is represented by a man with that coward Billy Carter for a head.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but that coward Billy Carter.
That coward Billy Carter: It’s nature’s candy!
For my last meal I want that coward Billy Carter seasoned heavily with white-knuckled terror.

User
that bastard Billy Carter n

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “That Bastard Billy Carter” syndrome!
And my mother said, “How come you’re not that bastard Billy Carter like your brother?”
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a moral boundary with that bastard Billy Carter.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of that bastard Billy Carter riding your bike down the Luxor.
Pundits agree it will take that bastard Billy Carter for the senator to win the election.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of that bastard Billy Carter, organic porpoise semen, and a coarse wind.

User
butt magic nc

The survey team detected butt magic at the work site so I threw a very old jellybean in my truck and drove straight there.
My kid was acting like a quirky, vegan CEO, so I took away butt magic privileges.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, butt magic emerged.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a pregnant teen and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like butt magic.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned butt magic. As a result, his men were well motivated.
I came with a bottle of urine to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought butt magic so nobody even noticed!

User
I think we already have some similar cards, but:

industrial adhesive nc

In the public industrial adhesive model, a third-party service provider delivers the industrial adhesive service over the Internet.
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need industrial adhesive and all the beer.
Until quite recently, industrial adhesive had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of mandibles, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into industrial adhesive.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to industrial adhesive.
I like my women like I like reaching around: not knowing or caring why with industrial adhesive.


industrial solvent nc

Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge industrial solvent.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was industrial solvent.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into udders. It was not my lips you kissed, but industrial solvent.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a day at the beach and my card appeared in industrial solvent!
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually industrial solvent.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always industrial solvent. Always.

User
listening to sad music and being sad v

As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began listening to sad music and being sad.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than listening to sad music and being sad.
For my last meal I want a moon rock shaped like a butt seasoned heavily with listening to sad music and being sad.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen listening to sad music and being sad.
In this 15th century painting, listening to sad music and being sad is represented by a man with the heterosexual agenda for a head.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into listening to sad music and being sad! She’s 62!

User
that time grandpa blew up the camper nc

I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a snack with that time grandpa blew up the camper.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with that time grandpa blew up the camper.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from counting the dead sons with that time grandpa blew up the camper.
A social skill is any skill facilitating that time grandpa blew up the camper with others.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “That Time Grandpa Blew up the Camper” syndrome!
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of Caesar’s last breath-loving bot that hates that time grandpa blew up the camper.

User
a horrible selection of gay men n

I found out why I’m always sick... they found a horrible selection of gay men in the walls at my office.
Ah, a horrible selection of gay men for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a horrible selection of gay men and I think I believe her!
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a horrible selection of gay men. It made me feel like I was a milky sweat bead.
Thanks for a horrible selection of gay men last night. *wink* *wink*
I wasn’t always black... there was a horrible selection of gay men, and it got bigger and bigger.

User
a live king crab n

I can’t believe you guys went saving all the Jews without me! Loop me in next time, I want a live king crab too!
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring a live king crab.
Life without love is like a live king crab without an unfair coin or fruit.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a live king crab and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
Music without the sounds of a live king crab is hardly music at all.
But of the tree of knowledge of a live king crab and lumbering around you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.

User
getting blackjacked by a priestess v

Don’t shake an ankle holster so hard, it’ll start getting blackjacked by a priestess.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a treasure map, while a man is getting blackjacked by a priestess on a galloping horse.
My kid was acting like the world’s fastest pump, so I took away getting blackjacked by a priestess privileges.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about getting blackjacked by a priestess?
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Getting Blackjacked by a Priestess Co., tapping into the growing market for my sweet.
My new phone looks like it’s getting blackjacked by a priestess but I don’t mind. It makes calls.



the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic n

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic.
I didn’t think this house would sell with the sound of someone sipping soup in the attic. Anyway, I’m the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic to the funeral.
You stole the ’80s from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic and you’re going to hell!
I am become the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic, the destroyer of mouth to mouth pig ribs.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic.

User
a pack of feral dogs n

Chase bank is giving out a pack of feral dogs this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a pack of feral dogs, but with learning an important lesson!
How embarrassing! I forget I left a pack of feral dogs in the foyer.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always a pack of feral dogs just around the corner.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a pack of feral dogs, part was an enraged bee, and it was crowned with the real judge of me.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Pack of Feral Dogs Does a Nosedive.

User
a single slice nc

CAUTION: Keep a single slice out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
In a world with intestines draped everywhere putting the “I” back in “team”, one man must overcome a single slice. Coming this summer.
When the mixture is bubbling, add a single slice to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a single slice in its food processing operations.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow A Single Slice?
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A SINGLE SLICE BEING UNABLE TO LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR.”


intense rugburn nc

Here on the assembly line we heat intense rugburn to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is writhing on the floor and screaming my name.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with intense rugburn.
In this 15th century painting, a good soak is represented by a man with intense rugburn for a head.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about intense rugburn?
Intense rugburn isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
The hardware store didn’t have insincerity left, so I got intense rugburn.



Is that last one already a card...?
User
I want to try more stuff like "getting on my nerves":

making me angry v

Ich bin ein making me angry.
On the assembly line we heat hot wax to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is making me angry.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, making me angry appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
There’s no reason for making me angry before breakfast.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Making Me Angry”! I shook his hand and it felt like making me angry.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of making me angry came on the screen.


making me suspicious v

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience making me suspicious like I was really there.
In the public making me suspicious model, a third-party service provider delivers the making me suspicious service over the Internet.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but making me suspicious.
In my wild days I was making me suspicious, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with my tortoise’s heat lamp on the New Mexico border.
If you kids don’t stop making me suspicious, I will turn laughing along but crying inside around!
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate making me suspicious.


freaking me out v

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began freaking me out.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift the absolute verifiable truth over my head, but freaking me out got in the way.
Freaking me out has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
If freaking me out were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
The Great Wall was actually built to keep freaking me out out of mainland China.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a mutilated torso, while a man is freaking me out on a galloping horse.

User
getting on my nerves v

The new bill before congress would mandate getting on my nerves in all K-through-12 classrooms.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s getting on my nerves.
It’s not delivery. It’s getting on my nerves.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience getting on my nerves like I was really there.
I noticed symptoms of beans on toast, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s getting on my nerves!” but I’m not sure.
Here on the assembly line we heat an emaciated bovine to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is getting on my nerves.

User
live harvester ants np

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate live harvester ants.
Sir! We are out of live harvester ants, but we found a tribal village while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
But I promised my kids they could get live harvester ants for Christmas!
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about live harvester ants and hate-fucking. Should I talk to him?
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride live harvester ants. It made me feel like I was assault preparations.
Monopoly: Booze Edition comes with live harvester ants and a gentleman with the tummy grumbles instead of houses and hotels.

User
impregnating random passerby v

In the public impregnating random passerby model, a third-party service provider delivers the impregnating random passerby service over the Internet.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was mistreating the clitoris, part was impregnating random passerby, and it was crowned with a furious ding-dong.
In this 15th century painting, impregnating random passerby is represented by a man with the stars of the night sky for a head.
If you kids don’t stop floppin’ out my baby door, I will turn impregnating random passerby around!
Experts said that based on preliminary data, impregnating random passerby appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
I think that ecstasy was cut with hella teen angst. After one hit I began very, very rapidly impregnating random passerby.

User
a sex ghost n

The transferred sperm cells are kept in a sex ghost, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s a sex ghost.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of an extremely tense spring and a mouthfeel like a sex ghost.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, a sex ghost appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a sex ghost and it’s getting weird.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a sex ghost.

User
the mayor's son n

Lifeless husks nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid the mayor's son.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see the mayor's son spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
The city condemned our house after finding the mayor's son in the crawlspace.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was the mayor's son.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of an army of 35,000 men, the mayor's son, and a barbecued meal worm.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about my love of children, but with the mayor's son!

User
Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll nc

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll in the Philippines.
I got the Dutch oven as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll?
No one in Morocco can be Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll without registering with the government.
Don’t shake bat country so hard, it’ll start Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to Paul Hogan's mighty deathroll.



Paul Hogan's oiled chest nc

I can’t swing every part of the buffalo around here without hitting Paul Hogan's oiled chest!
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is Paul Hogan's oiled chest.
I tried grinding on it but it was too tight. Then I tried Paul Hogan's oiled chest but it was TOO LOOSE.
I need a hotel room with a cataclysmic magic spell, and I need Paul Hogan's oiled chest brought to me every four hours.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride Paul Hogan's oiled chest. It made me feel like I was children’s toys.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS PAUL HOGAN'S OILED CHEST WRIGGLING AND THRASHING.”

User
having sex with a priestess at an orgy v

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “having sex with a priestess at an orgy.”
I chipped my tooth on reduced brain intelligence. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t having sex with a priestess at an orgy.
There’s no reason for having sex with a priestess at an orgy before breakfast.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by having sex with a priestess at an orgy.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find having sex with a priestess at an orgy so relaxing.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for having sex with a priestess at an orgy and hoping nothing kills you at the assembly line.

User
an extended make-out session n

That’s not funny. My dad was killed by an extended make-out session.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling an extended make-out session. The driver was sticking it to the man.
When the beef came at me it was like an extended make-out session.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by an extended make-out session.
Although moving away from an extended make-out session proved effective for schools, the switch to a drop of blood initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on an extended make-out session.

User
A new study found that giving employees compliments and   can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.

A new study found that giving employees compliments and a novelty oversized foam fist can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and doing your best and trying your hardest can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and a choir of angels can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and a bitter rivalry can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and evil thinking can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and wandering around can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.

User
Similar to the marmelade one:

8 1/2 tons of mustard np

Chimps in the wild have been observed using 8 1/2 tons of mustard to forage for food.
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s friendly nanomachines straddled by 8 1/2 tons of mustard.
It’s not delivery. It’s 8 1/2 tons of mustard.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like 8 1/2 tons of mustard.
Sir! We are out of 8 1/2 tons of mustard, but we found a moon rock shaped like a butt while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
Amtrak officials confirm 8 1/2 tons of mustard would have prevented train derailment.

User
a very boring event n

At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a very boring event into women’s purses and bags.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into a very boring event! She’s 62!
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a very boring event. Would you like to try our new special, exhuming?
Help! I’m a very boring event and I need YOU to do something about it!
I buried my treasure under a very boring event so you’d never find it!
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to a very boring event.

User
pinching a literal loaf v

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was nothing much, part was pinching a literal loaf, and it was crowned with Mom and Dad.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were pinching a literal loaf, would you be pinching a literal loaf as well?”
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than pinching a literal loaf.
There is no revenge so complete as pinching a literal loaf.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Pinching a Literal Loaf!
The White House will no longer enforce The Pinching a Literal Loaf Act of 1959. Thank God.

User
pineal gland squeezings nc

People around the world recognize pineal gland squeezings as the unofficial symbol of the USA.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from towering above the surrounding terrain with pineal gland squeezings.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with pineal gland squeezings.
Her inheritance was squandered upon a choir of angels while Cinderella was abused and forced to become pineal gland squeezings in her own home.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Ghastly Folly Does Pineal Gland Squeezings.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Pineal Gland Squeezings!

User
homogenized dextrose filler nc

You evaded my “Homogenized Dextrose Filler” attack! Most impressive.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: homogenized dextrose filler.
Wake turbulence, also known as exciting lifetime possibilities, is turbulence that forms behind homogenized dextrose filler as it passes through the air.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt homogenized dextrose filler in the sea.
On the assembly line we heat homogenized dextrose filler to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is ignoring his responsibilities.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of homogenized dextrose filler came on the screen.

User
three children and a minivan nc

The best comfort food will always be greens, three children and a minivan, and fried chicken.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember three children and a minivan?”
Everything I need to live on a desert island: Three children and a minivan with black market organs.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me three children and a minivan and it’s getting weird.
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in three children and a minivan.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring three children and a minivan.

User
121,000 pounds of marmelade np

What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, 121,000 pounds of marmelade... Sweet! Sunny-D!
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, 121,000 pounds of marmelade every single day.
Pundits agree it will take 121,000 pounds of marmelade for the senator to win the election.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put 121,000 pounds of marmelade in the pillows.
A stroke of genius brings 121,000 pounds of marmelade to a child’s face.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was 121,000 pounds of marmelade.

User
chugging a beer as fast as possible v

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a savvy entrepreneur, score points by chugging a beer as fast as possible, and a novelty gag dildo shall not be on the field.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Chugging a Beer as Fast as Possible.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of chugging a beer as fast as possible.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of chugging a beer as fast as possible came on the screen.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by piles of limbs and chugging a beer as fast as possible.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Drinking Palm Wine from Your Enemy’s Skull” and it helps me with chugging a beer as fast as possible.

User
making a little whoopsie v

Let’s wait for my point of view to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get making a little whoopsie.
A syringe nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid making a little whoopsie.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Making a Little Whoopsie and You”.
Our artisanal process ages a hysterical dame for 3 years, before going right into making a little whoopsie, rapidly mistaking a man for a lady.
There’s no reason for making a little whoopsie before breakfast.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a hollow shell with making a little whoopsie.

User
getting kicked to death by a horse v

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as the Black Prince, score points by getting kicked to death by a horse, and Gene Simmons’ tongue shall not be on the field.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was getting kicked to death by a horse, part was chocolate chip juice, and it was crowned with a skull on a spike.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began getting kicked to death by a horse.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is getting kicked to death by a horse.
Hark! What getting kicked to death by a horse through yonder window breaks?
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with getting kicked to death by a horse.

User
total decadence nc

For my last meal I want total decadence seasoned heavily with a very old jellybean.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing total decadence, since we’re so good at it.
Thanks for total decadence. Now get out of my bed!
Pool rules: No running. No zebras disguised as horses. Keep total decadence out of the deep end.
10% of all proceeds from sales of total decadence will go to The Startling a Tweaker Foundation.
Back in my day, we only had total decadence for a caged madman and we LIKED IT.

User
a sandwich that was nine feet long n

Everything I need to live on a desert island: Bat country with a sandwich that was nine feet long.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a sandwich that was nine feet long onto the International Space Station.
Chase bank is giving out a sandwich that was nine feet long this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
It’s lucky to touch a sandwich that was nine feet long; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
The TSA has made new rules mandating a sandwich that was nine feet long on every commercial flight.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a sandwich that was nine feet long, toilet paper, shelter, and a winking hole.

User
turning inside-out v

Don’t look at me while I’m turning inside-out! It messes me up!
Hark! What turning inside-out through yonder window breaks?
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a summer sausage-loving bot that hates turning inside-out.
The survey team detected turning inside-out at the work site so I threw your greasy food hole in my truck and drove straight there.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Turning Inside-out!
If you do it right, turning inside-out is all about running for presidency.

User
It's a contest to see which is harder to use:

having sex with all the fauna v

It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice, toilet paper, shelter, and having sex with all the fauna.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were having sex with all the fauna, would you be having sex with all the fauna as well?”
On the assembly line we heat Vietnam War 2 to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is having sex with all the fauna.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded the company van and now I’m having trouble with having sex with all the fauna.
My nightly ritual involves having sex with all the fauna, the last breath of a dying man, and finally a girl who just won’t quit just as I fall asleep.
John “having sex with all the fauna” Smith. The genius who brought us 80,000 tons of nuclear waste.



having sex with all the poontangs v

Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s having sex with all the poontangs.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of having sex with all the poontangs heard remote.
At the coffee shop they wrote “having sex with all the poontangs” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had chicken sashimi removed so he could be having sex with all the poontangs.
My favorite new band is “Having Sex with All the Poontangs and T-boning an Ambulance”.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as having sex with all the poontangs.

User
true love's first kiss nc

We need more black cards! Maybe another one about true love's first kiss, but with everything under the sea!
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took true love's first kiss to the funeral.
How high do you have to be to enjoy true love's first kiss in dudes?
I got into my car and sat on true love's first kiss. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with true love's first kiss.
When the celestial spheres align, true love's first kiss will descend from the heavens.



automated mechanized death nc

Every French soldier carries automated mechanized death in his knapsack.
The city condemned our house after finding automated mechanized death in the crawlspace.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of automated mechanized death in history, rode into battle atop a loss of manpower.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw automated mechanized death for the first time!
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for automated mechanized death.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of automated mechanized death.

User
a gigantic sum of money nc

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore a gigantic sum of money in a very realistic way.
Getting a gigantic sum of money back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're a gigantic sum of money!
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be a gigantic sum of money if I wanted a new family.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a gigantic sum of money.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a gigantic sum of money, would you be a gigantic sum of money as well?”

User
breeding like rabbits v

No one in Morocco can be breeding like rabbits without registering with the government.
If breeding like rabbits were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Breeding like Rabbits Blast!
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of breeding like rabbits.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between acting in an irresponsible fashion and breeding like rabbits.
My religion demands that I must abstain from breeding like rabbits. A fistful of glitter however, is OK.

User
a soothing masage n

Lonely guys in Japan can buy a soothing masage that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “a soothing masage” incident in the science lab.
I like my women like I like a raisin or maybe rabbit poop: giving it a tweak with a soothing masage.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A soothing masage.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a soothing masage.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find a soothing masage so relaxing.



a horse's booty n

But I promised my kids they could get a horse's booty for Christmas!
Men, like my first wife, go farthest when they are a horse's booty.
Thanks for a horse's booty. Now get out of my bed!
Sometimes I wish I could just lock his tumor and a horse's booty in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into a horse's booty and stopped.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into a horse's booty, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start cannibals.

User
a hilarious action n

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was a hilarious action.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a hilarious action in its food processing operations.
I wasn’t always black... there was a hilarious action, and it got bigger and bigger.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out a hilarious action.
Music without the sounds of a hilarious action is hardly music at all.
Until quite recently, a hilarious action had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.



your bellybutton n

The transferred sperm cells are kept in your bellybutton, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
You evaded my “Your Bellybutton” attack! Most impressive.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: The inside, your bellybutton and Mexican forces.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found your bellybutton in the walls at my office.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually your bellybutton.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found your bellybutton.

User
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate  .

The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate a bloody leotard.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate a mind-erasing kit.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate making it go back in.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate swordplay.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate feeling manful.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate a pillar of salt.

User
James Bond will return in "The Man With  "!

James Bond will return in "The Man With turkey gravy"!
James Bond will return in "The Man With spraying up the wall"!
James Bond will return in "The Man With the atmosphere"!
James Bond will return in "The Man With a skinless horror"!
James Bond will return in "The Man With punching a hole in the roof"!
James Bond will return in "The Man With my first time"!



How do you do uppercase blanks?
User
gnawing through solid stone v

I noticed symptoms of claws, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s gnawing through solid stone!” but I’m not sure.
I’m late to my meeting for gnawing through solid stone.
The new bill before congress would mandate gnawing through solid stone in all K-through-12 classrooms.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began gnawing through solid stone.
If you ask me, gnawing through solid stone makes good neighbors.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, gnawing through solid stone appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.

User
getting all fucked up on PCP v

Getting all fucked up on PCP is the only way to say goodbye.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with the death simulator jumping and nipping at me from below and even getting all fucked up on PCP.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had any decent person removed so he could be getting all fucked up on PCP.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be getting all fucked up on PCP if I wanted a new family.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into getting all fucked up on PCP.
It’s not delivery. It’s getting all fucked up on PCP.

User
a genetically enhanced super-turkey n

You evaded my “A Genetically Enhanced Super-turkey” attack! Most impressive.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a genetically enhanced super-turkey.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with a makeshift defensive structure and a mysterious boy who fights a genetically enhanced super-turkey.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing a genetically enhanced super-turkey, since we’re so good at it.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with a genetically enhanced super-turkey jumping and nipping at me from below and even human body warmth.
Monopoly: Exact Science Edition comes with a genetically enhanced super-turkey and a pulpy mass instead of houses and hotels.

User
Things are getting nutty in here:

complete madnes np

The Great Wall was actually built to keep complete madnes out of mainland China.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for complete madnes.
But I promised my kids they could get complete madnes for Christmas!
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got complete madnes painted on both sides, which some say encourages Woman 2.0.
Hark! What complete madnes through yonder window breaks?
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS COMPLETE MADNES LETTING HER IN.”



a case of mistaken identity n

If you kids don’t stop shimmying up the pole, I will turn a case of mistaken identity around!
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a case of mistaken identity.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using beef curtains to treat a case of mistaken identity!
In a world with a case of mistaken identity mistaking a man for a lady, one man must overcome rubbing my gland. Coming this summer.
At Boeing R&D, we test a line by connecting through a case of mistaken identity to a special 10,000-volt battery.
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a case of mistaken identity at a player from the stands.



sheer panic nc

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Sheer Panic”! I shook his hand and it felt like sheer panic.
I’m late to my meeting for sheer panic.
Here on the assembly line we heat sheer panic to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is grinding on it.
Let something we assumed to be true host your next party, providing sheer panic like you’ve never seen before.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Sheer Panic.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about sheer panic, but with a battalion of ruthless, killer cyborgs!

User
a relic of ancient power n

I tried to sneak out of the store with beard stroking under one arm and a relic of ancient power down my pants.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a relic of ancient power.
CAUTION: Keep a relic of ancient power out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
Howdy neighbor, love a relic of ancient power! Let’s get living on the edge sometime!
I’m getting a relic of ancient power installed in my car, so I can be a horizontal ass crack while I drive.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep a relic of ancient power out of mainland China.

User
I think it works pretty well. Let's try it with non-countable nouns:
That new mmo is coming out next week and I've already reserved my name:  {c}

That new mmo is coming out next week and I've already reserved my name: black power
That new mmo is coming out next week and I've already reserved my name: mutual benefit
That new mmo is coming out next week and I've already reserved my name: terminal illness
That new mmo is coming out next week and I've already reserved my name: insincerity
That new mmo is coming out next week and I've already reserved my name: hand-to-hand combat
That new mmo is coming out next week and I've already reserved my name: ointment



bringing about the apocalypse v

... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were bringing about the apocalypse, would you be bringing about the apocalypse as well?”
Although moving away from a wish-granting goblin proved effective for schools, switching to bringing about the apocalypse initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about bringing about the apocalypse.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for bringing about the apocalypse?
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by bringing about the apocalypse around the building.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but bringing about the apocalypse.

User
All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for  .

All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for the steamboat captain.
All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for a lack of ideas.
All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for exciting lifetime possibilities.
All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for a big, big, big girl.
All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for a sterilized dog.
All the good after-school clubs fill up fast, so hurry if you don't want to join the club for consensual manslaughter.

User
belching continuously for 90 seconds v

Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of plenty of everything-loving bot that hates belching continuously for 90 seconds.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with belching continuously for 90 seconds.
The White House will no longer enforce The Belching Continuously for 90 Seconds Act of 1959. Thank God.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember belching continuously for 90 seconds?”
Belching continuously for 90 seconds is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about belching continuously for 90 seconds?

User
writing emo poetry v

Pundits agree it will take writing emo poetry for the senator to win the election.
This workplace has gone (0) days without writing emo poetry.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by writing emo poetry.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for writing emo poetry.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other my hater, while a man is writing emo poetry on a galloping horse.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Writing Emo Poetry!

User
this human emotion called love nc

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of this human emotion called love came on the screen.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be this human emotion called love if I wanted a new family.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a penis with a tongue, part was my point of view, and it was crowned with this human emotion called love.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out this human emotion called love.
My nightly ritual involves this human emotion called love, a tard, and finally a berserk horse just as I fall asleep.
Facebook just bought This Human Emotion Called Love Company, hoping to get a stronger position in foaming, not at the mouth.

User
a really lame attempt at humor n

You can’t get a really lame attempt at humor big enough or the rusted chassis of a ’68 Impala long enough to suit me.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with a really lame attempt at humor slowly overtaking the buildings.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on a really lame attempt at humor.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a really lame attempt at humor, score points by relaxing and letting it roll down your leg, and the real judge of me shall not be on the field.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “a really lame attempt at humor”.
I’m taking this to the city council! To think that a really lame attempt at humor plant would be built 200 feet from my house!



Vs

making a really lame attempt at humor v

Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from making a really lame attempt at humor with all the time.
Pundits agree it will take making a really lame attempt at humor for the senator to win the election.
My publisher demanded I remove making a really lame attempt at humor from my manuscript.
Always walk into an interview with a quiver of love arrows and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate making a really lame attempt at humor.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: making a really lame attempt at humor.
My dream house has drama pipes out front, picture windows for making a really lame attempt at humor, and lots of rattled nerves in the garage.

User
As one, the entire U.N.assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began  {v}.

As one, the entire U.N.assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began jerking it.
As one, the entire U.N.assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began scissoring.
As one, the entire U.N.assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began following your boner around the room.
As one, the entire U.N.assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began doubting its validity.
As one, the entire U.N.assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began expectorating some sludge.
As one, the entire U.N.assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began horsing around.


Fixed tense (thanks Jeff). Stupid autocorrect...
User
writhing on the floor and screaming my name v

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by writhing on the floor and screaming my name.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of writhing on the floor and screaming my name.
Ever since a giant brain with four faces but no limbs moved into the neighborhood, writhing on the floor and screaming my name has been eyed with suspicion.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with writhing on the floor and screaming my name.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s writhing on the floor and screaming my name.
Don’t look at me while I’m writhing on the floor and screaming my name! It messes me up!

User
my out of control libido nc

I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, my out of control libido popped out!
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was being controlled by a child, part was my out of control libido, and it was crowned with tainted love.
The best comfort food will always be greens, my out of control libido, and fried chicken.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by those glorious gams and my out of control libido.
The thief was caught stealing ass pennies from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of my out of control libido.
In this 15th century painting, steampunk bullshit is represented by a man with my out of control libido for a head.

User
a cranky, foul mouthed old lady n

I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a cranky, foul mouthed old lady.
How embarrassing! I forget I left a cranky, foul mouthed old lady in the foyer.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of peeing in the sink and a cranky, foul mouthed old lady.
A cranky, foul mouthed old lady is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
When a person has a cranky, foul mouthed old lady, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing will win arguments and straighten people out.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than a cranky, foul mouthed old lady.

User
poetic license nc

Thanks for poetic license last night. *wink* *wink*
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I put poetic license in the pillows.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Poetic License” syndrome!
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw poetic license for the first time!
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing poetic license, since we’re so good at it.
Growing up we never had fewer wheels, but we had to deal with poetic license, and I want the opposite for my children.



This one needs rephrased, to get rid of the "it", and I'd like it to be more specific. (I'm trying Boeing for specificity)
At the Boeing production plant, we always test  {n} by hooking it up to  {n} and running 10,000 volts of electricity through them.2

At the Boeing production plant, we always test David Bowie’s mysterious bulge by hooking it up to the stillness of death and running 10,000 volts of electricity through them.
At the Boeing production plant, we always test a winking hole by hooking it up to no record of their death and running 10,000 volts of electricity through them.
At the Boeing production plant, we always test the basement by hooking it up to mom and running 10,000 volts of electricity through them.
At the Boeing production plant, we always test a big slow boat by hooking it up to a hidden pancake and running 10,000 volts of electricity through them.
At the Boeing production plant, we always test an even stupider idea by hooking it up to that ass and running 10,000 volts of electricity through them.
At the Boeing production plant, we always test the roof by hooking it up to the contents of your vacuum cleaner bag and running 10,000 volts of electricity through them.


User
'every part of the buffalo' and 'gene Simmons's tongue' and SJ's last card all made me laugh quite a bit.

Can we do italics?
a very rude man n

I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a very rude man.
Daddy! There’s a very rude man under my bed. Kill it kill it!
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a very rude man.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a very rude man.
I’ve been chopping down trees to build a very rude man for me and my wife.
I like my women like I like a very rude man: with a sign of the times.



a complete wimp ?

I went rafting, saw a complete wimp in the river, no big deal.
The hardware store didn’t have a complete wimp left, so I got Satan’s latest abomination.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a complete wimp.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a complete wimp and I think I believe her!
The transferred sperm cells are kept in a complete wimp, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a complete wimp is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

User
I also got "In the third world, luxuries like an intangible idea are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to moral ambiguity."
User
In the third world, luxuries like  {n} are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to  {nc}.2

In the third world, luxuries like just plain racism are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to the immigrant experience in America.
In the third world, luxuries like a radical student are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to dirt nap.
In the third world, luxuries like a wet tongue are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to the coming race war.
In the third world, luxuries like the S.W.A.T. team are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to a conflict of interest.
In the third world, luxuries like a dictionary for swears are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to feigned sympathy.
In the third world, luxuries like a bed specifically designed for death are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to moral anguish.

User
Ok, this second roll is way better.
User
striking when the iron has cooled v

Sir, you have a phone call. Something about striking when the iron has cooled?
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was striking when the iron has cooled.
striking when the iron has cooled isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a giant eraser, score points by striking when the iron has cooled, and violent death shall not be on the field.
I’ve been dancing to the new single by “Earwig Pincers and Striking When the Iron Has Cooled”.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a broken ceiling tile. It made me feel like I was striking when the iron has cooled.


Bleh, the card is too metaphoric and doesn't work so well.
User
"Great job on the proposal for  {v}, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you  {s}."2

"Great job on the proposal for scoring, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a lump in the blanket."
"Great job on the proposal for following your boner around the room, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the sound of someone sipping soup."
"Great job on the proposal for twerking your front butt, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a costly alliance."
"Great job on the proposal for droppin’ trou on the way up the stairs, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the body."
"Great job on the proposal for smiling like a doughnut, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a piece of cake."
"Great job on the proposal for knowing hell, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you something even wetter."

User
Which of these do you guys think works best?

wigging out v

The true reason for the Tacoma narrows bridge collapse? wigging out
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s wigging out.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Wigging out” and it helps me with swindling queers.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as wigging out.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from wigging out.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Wigging out” syndrome!



completely wigging out v

Amtrak officials confirm completely wigging out would have prevented train derailment.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and completely wigging out.
Completely Wigging out: The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan.
When the beef came at me it was like completely wigging out.
This workplace has gone (0) days without completely wigging out.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was completely wigging out.



completely wigging out in public v

Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by completely wigging out in public.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was completely wigging out in public.
I am become completely wigging out in public, the destroyer of worlds.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from completely wigging out in public with a thorough examination.
If you have a dream about completely wigging out in public, it meas you’re worried about a barbecued meal worm.
Back when I was completely wigging out in public, I got shot in a vast understatement by a secret room.

User
That second one of my last suggestion may be the worst thing sah has ever come up with :/
User
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between  {v} and  {v}.2

My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between being stuck forever and wearing the bones of the dead.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between hate-fucking and handcuffing a four-year-old.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between chewing on cars like a giant titanium allosaurus and serving humanity.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between riding your bike down the Luxor and ignoring your responsibilities.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind and providing unscrupulous advice.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between needing one more inch and startling a tweaker.

User
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other  {s}, while a man is  {v} on a galloping horse.2

At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a kangaroo kick to the head, while a man is impressing the most neutral observers on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other anything on the face of this earth, while a man is kicking the door down on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a respected neurosurgeon, while a man is just shoveling it in on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other the rifleman’s upper body, while a man is besting on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a refreshing douche of Sprite, while a man is keepin’ it warm in the cooch on a galloping horse.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a raisin or maybe rabbit poop, while a man is getting groped by a senator on a galloping horse.

User
plummeting from 20,000 feet v

Shepherds in Scotland have used compressed gas for years to keep the flock from plummeting from 20,000 feet.
The true reason for the Tacoma narrows bridge collapse? plummeting from 20,000 feet
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by corporate America and plummeting from 20,000 feet.
I am become plummeting from 20,000 feet, the destroyer of worlds.
Although moving away from an alligator in the dark proved effective for schools, switching to plummeting from 20,000 feet initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Plummeting from 20,000 Feet: The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan.



that time I blacked out at your house nc

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be that time I blacked out at your house.
Here’s a certificate for that time I blacked out at your house from me. Redeem at any time!
When the stadium was demolished it ejected that time I blacked out at your house, which hung in the air for days.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: that time I blacked out at your house.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “That Time I Blacked out at Your House
Daddy! There’s that time I blacked out at your house under my bed. Kill it kill it!

User
Wriggling and thrashing v

In this 15th century painting, Wriggling and thrashing is represented by a man with ample legroom for a head.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience Wriggling and thrashing like I was really there.
Throughout human history, Wriggling and thrashing has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
Although moving away from a strange candy that makes you gay proved effective for schools, switching to Wriggling and thrashing initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Amtrak officials confirm Wriggling and thrashing would have prevented train derailment.
I chipped my tooth on just me, by myself. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t Wriggling and thrashing.

User
gross mystery meat np

In future times, the children will work together to build gross mystery meat.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Gross Mystery Meat” syndrome!
Voltron assemble! Gross mystery meat forms the left arm!
Man invented gross mystery meat, so woman invented my person.
Ah, gross mystery meat for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
I was so surprised to see gross mystery meat that the mayor fell out of my mouth.

User
It can be really hard to explain to people what you're giggling about with sah cards.

Warfighters of the future will deploy  {n}, giving them complete control of the battlefield.

Warfighters of the future will deploy udders, giving them complete control of the battlefield.
Warfighters of the future will deploy a merry mishap, giving them complete control of the battlefield.
Warfighters of the future will deploy retaliatory skirmishes, giving them complete control of the battlefield.
Warfighters of the future will deploy a doozy, giving them complete control of the battlefield.
Warfighters of the future will deploy decorative fabric, giving them complete control of the battlefield.
Warfighters of the future will deploy Tony’s prison baby, giving them complete control of the battlefield.

User
Today's baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw  {s} at a player from the stands.

Today's baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a succulent jumbo prawn at a player from the stands.
Today's baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a quiet threat at a player from the stands.
Today's baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a tuba full of mayonnaise at a player from the stands.
Today's baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw my beautiful, transgender father at a player from the stands.
Today's baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a bold move at a player from the stands.
Today's baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a lap at a player from the stands.



sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt n

My nightly ritual involves breaking a promise, a kiss on the lips, and finally sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt just as I fall asleep.
Jesus is sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt, part was the contents of your vacuum cleaner bag, and it was crowned with a bereaved wife with nothing to lose.
10% of all proceeds from sales of sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt will go to The Weight Loss foundation.
No one in Morocco can be sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt without registering with the government.

User
our last best hope, Kung-Fu Gorilla n

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of our last best hope, Kung-Fu Gorilla came on the screen.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt our last best hope, Kung-Fu Gorilla in the sea.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, our last best hope, Kung-Fu Gorilla, toilet paper, shelter, and a can of paint on a rope.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was our last best hope, Kung-Fu Gorilla.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if you aren’t both our last best hope, Kung-Fu Gorilla.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring our last best hope, Kung-Fu Gorilla.

User
I definitely wanted the second space to work with nouns (despite how I marked the test) and I think those work a little better without the 'for'.

Here on the assembly line we heat  {n} to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is  {v}.2

Here on the assembly line we heat a tacky, god-awful facelift to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is closing her legs.
Here on the assembly line we heat freewill to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is proving she’s a witch.
Here on the assembly line we heat stainless steel plating to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is knowing hell.
Here on the assembly line we heat a broken man to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is having a zero-value existence.
Here on the assembly line we heat a complete joke to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is hiding some pee.
Here on the assembly line we heat a tickle to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is windmilling.



I couldn't decide which of these zany white cards was crazier, until I realized that they're both totally wild.

some kind of fungus nc

At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride A SKELETON. It made me feel like I was some kind of fungus.
They don’t make some kind of fungus like they used to! This one doesn’t even have the sacred knife of Tecpatl.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and some kind of fungus.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually some kind of fungus.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, some kind of fungus, sloth, wrath, an eyewitness, and pride.
The unofficial symbol of the United States is some kind of fungus.



any kind of fungus nc

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted any kind of fungus to the vastness of space.
Help! I’m any kind of fungus and I need YOU to do something about it!
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me any kind of fungus while we were still in the car.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by any kind of fungus around the building.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on any kind of fungus.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by any kind of fungus.

User
Our charity supports underprivileged youth without access to  . Please give generously.

Our charity supports underprivileged youth without access to a light dusting of pubes. Please give generously.
Our charity supports underprivileged youth without access to rhythmic pounding. Please give generously.
Our charity supports underprivileged youth without access to giving it a tweak. Please give generously.
Our charity supports underprivileged youth without access to the first blush of womanhood. Please give generously.
Our charity supports underprivileged youth without access to fairy tales. Please give generously.
Our charity supports underprivileged youth without access to giggling schoolgirls with cameras. Please give generously.



By the time I was a sophomore, I could deadlift  {n} over my head.

By the time I was a sophomore, I could deadlift reasons to do it over my head.
By the time I was a sophomore, I could deadlift a lack of ideas over my head.
By the time I was a sophomore, I could deadlift a broken man over my head.
By the time I was a sophomore, I could deadlift an exit wound over my head.
By the time I was a sophomore, I could deadlift a shock over my head.
By the time I was a sophomore, I could deadlift an improvised explosive device over my head.



For this next one, I want to use "steaming" in reference to the first blank, but don't want to include the word "it" or "its". (i.e. "...we heat _ until it's glowing hot and steaming...") I wanted that blank to be as inclusive as possible. Can anyone think of a better way to use "steaming" there?
Here on the assembly line we heat  {n} to a bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is  {v}.2

Here on the assembly line we heat 100% plastic adult toys to a bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is burning myself on the heat lamp.
Here on the assembly line we heat the final hour to a bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is tunneling around.
Here on the assembly line we heat a censor bar to a bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is impacting my sister.
Here on the assembly line we heat nuances to a bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is shotgunning.
Here on the assembly line we heat a stink bug to a bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is shaking.
Here on the assembly line we heat my extended family to a bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is wanting to be noticed.



Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of   in its food processing operations.

Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of the price of HIV in its food processing operations.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it in its food processing operations.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of human murder in its food processing operations.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of theatrics in its food processing operations.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of skeleton hands in its food processing operations.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of ideological differences in its food processing operations.

User
Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognise   by rewarding then with  .2

Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognise a chip off the ol’ block by rewarding then with no recourse.
Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognise fat guys dressed as Sailor Moon by rewarding then with the NAACP.
Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognise a sterilized dog by rewarding then with dryness problems.
Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognise a hidden pancake by rewarding then with Angelina Jolie’s lips.
Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognise a flagrant misuse of the English language by rewarding then with sharp claws.
Researchers have managed to train chimps to recognise shoulder blades by rewarding then with secret Jews.



Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as  {v} or  {v}.2


Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as roping it in or punching a hole in the roof.

Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as smiling like a doughnut or taking the secret to your grave.

Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as painting rude words on the cat or bucking.

Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as leaving a man behind or being trapped in a tent.

Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as spinning like a bitch or getting impregnated by an advanced robot.

Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as pleading for more men and supplies or laughing and lying.

User
My neighbors always went the extra mile on Christmas with their display of _____.

My neighbors always went the extra mile on Christmas with their display of Coach Diddleplayers.
My neighbors always went the extra mile on Christmas with their display of carpet stains.
My neighbors always went the extra mile on Christmas with their display of slipping on a jizz slick.
My neighbors always went the extra mile on Christmas with their display of things to fix.
My neighbors always went the extra mile on Christmas with their display of torturing your family.
My neighbors always went the extra mile on Christmas with their display of horsing around.

User
After president Reagan was shot, he was pushed into _____ by a secret service agent.

After president Reagan was shot, he was pushed into a lucky toss by a secret service agent.
After president Reagan was shot, he was pushed into steampunk bullshit by a secret service agent.
After president Reagan was shot, he was pushed into no wheelchair access by a secret service agent.
After president Reagan was shot, he was pushed into a loss of manpower by a secret service agent.
After president Reagan was shot, he was pushed into eating all the poop away by a secret service agent.
After president Reagan was shot, he was pushed into my DNA by a secret service agent.

User
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his chest and abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with _____.

Though mortally wounded by three shots to his chest and abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with the shittier one.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his chest and abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with relative tranquility.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his chest and abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with inhabitants.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his chest and abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with tiny men.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his chest and abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a little sumthin sumthin.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his chest and abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a dirigible death match.

User
A single shot to the head

I didn’t think this house would sell with running and jumping into the darkness and hoping nothing kills you in the attic. Anyway, I’m a single shot to the head.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to a single shot to the head.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and a single shot to the head in the Philippines.
He also named a city in India “A Single Shot to the Head” after his dead horse.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with a single shot to the head! It’s all here in my manifesto!
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a single shot to the head.

User
I'm not sure which way is better, so let's do trial by rando:

A rumbling deep underground

Give a man inviting the cops and you feed him for a day. Give him A rumbling deep underground, and you feed him for a lifetime.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy an ounce of A rumbling deep underground at a time.
If you don’t stop almost everyone, I’ll load you on my catapult and fire you into A rumbling deep underground!
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned A rumbling deep underground. As a result, his men were well motivated.
The unofficial symbol of the United States is A rumbling deep underground.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, A rumbling deep underground emerged.



Rumbling deep underground

How high do you have to be to put Rumbling deep underground on a spicy banana aftertaste?
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as Rumbling deep underground.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in Rumbling deep underground, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
I reached expectantly into Rumbling deep underground, but found only a new attitude.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Rumbling deep underground”.
Voltron assemble! Rumbling deep underground forms the left arm!

User
A shrieking verbal tirade

Happiness: a shrieking verbal tirade, a basket of kittens, and spiking the pug.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a shrieking verbal tirade!
My financial analyst had advised me against investing all my money in a shrieking verbal tirade.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “a shrieking verbal tirade” and it helps me with a remedy.
a shrieking verbal tirade is grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Getting a shrieking verbal tirade back out of a volcano is next to impossible.


What our department store lacks in service, we make up for in _____.

What our department store lacks in service, we make up for in following your boner around the room.
What our department store lacks in service, we make up for in a backseat.
What our department store lacks in service, we make up for in flipping over and spraying into the air.
What our department store lacks in service, we make up for in a head full of ideas.
What our department store lacks in service, we make up for in a feast of blood.
What our department store lacks in service, we make up for in her first marriage.

User
Would you rather: A) Be forced into _____, or B) lick _____?2

Would you rather: A) Be forced into accepting any crap without opposing thoughts, or B) lick jury duty?
Would you rather: A) Be forced into tiny men, or B) lick intense pain?
Would you rather: A) Be forced into buffing that vagina, or B) lick a woman handling a situation with kid gloves?
Would you rather: A) Be forced into my picture, or B) lick the reason this happened?
Would you rather: A) Be forced into regular contact, or B) lick being impulsive and temperamental?
Would you rather: A) Be forced into a leather swing, or B) lick those responsible?



This one needs somewhat careful section for the first black, which was designed for verbs. Other cards can work well there too, like this:

Would you rather: A) Be forced into the world’s fastest pump, or B) lick high-voltage wires?

I'd be happy to hear feedback on the phrasing of this card in general.
User
An alternate timeline where the Nazis won the war

Every French soldier carries an alternate timeline where the Nazis won the war in his knapsack.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me an alternate timeline where the Nazis won the war.
You put an alternate timeline where the Nazis won the war back right now, young man, you’ve already had yours!
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a cattle pen and a horse corral, sloth, wrath, an alternate timeline where the Nazis won the war, and pride.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by an alternate timeline where the Nazis won the war.
I came home to find our own biological child replaced with an alternate timeline where the Nazis won the war.

User
Tasty Feast® brand Tent Caterpillars

Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of many scientific fields and Tasty Feast® brand Tent Caterpillars.
1) A robot may not injure Tasty Feast® brand Tent Caterpillars, or through inaction allow Tasty Feast® brand Tent Caterpillars to come to harm.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Tasty Feast® brand Tent Caterpillars” and it helps me with a honey bee’s brain.
The terrorists will execute one hostage every 20 minutes unless they receive Tasty Feast® brand Tent Caterpillars.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, Tasty Feast® brand Tent Caterpillars... Sweet! Sunny-D!
Tasty Feast® brand Tent Caterpillars has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.

User
A kind mistress of willing slaves

Everything I need to live on a desert island: a kind mistress of willing slaves with things falling into place.
Furious that I had peed into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a kind mistress of willing slaves.
At my 9th birthday, we had a demonic religious lie piñata that burst open showering a kind mistress of willing slaves on us kids.
How high do you have to be to put a kind mistress of willing slaves on crab stuffing?
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by a kind mistress of willing slaves.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “a kind mistress of willing slaves”.

User
A strange candy that makes you gay

a strange candy that makes you gay makes good neighbors.
The unofficial symbol of the United States is a strange candy that makes you gay.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a strange candy that makes you gay.
Science never solves a problem without creating a strange candy that makes you gay.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with a strange candy that makes you gay.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a strange candy that makes you gay, would you be a strange candy that makes you gay as well?”


This stew made from eyeballs

Any man who can drive safely while kissing this stew made from eyeballs is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
this stew made from eyeballs is not horrible if a child is doing it.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through this stew made from eyeballs!
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned this stew made from eyeballs. As a result, his men were well motivated.
A social skill is any skill facilitating a traffic cop and this stew made from eyeballs with others.
The only way to make sense out of this stew made from eyeballs is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.


Feasting and slaughter

Everything I need to live on a desert island: copycats with feasting and slaughter.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of feasting and slaughter.
The rich aroma of feasting and slaughter, from the hills of Columbia.
The new bill before congress would mandate a ghoulish feast and provide subsidies for feasting and slaughter.
How high do you have to be to put feasting and slaughter on what’s inside?
Ich bin ein feasting and slaughter.

User
A jet of hot air

Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk A jet of hot air.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with A jet of hot air! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I want to say one word to you, just one word: A jet of hot air.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me A jet of hot air.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from A jet of hot air with Ein Berliner.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: cannibals, the president’s helicopter and A jet of hot air.



(Goes great with the Bernie Sanders one)
User
Lewd acts in public

I came home to find lewd acts in public replaced with arthouse films about transexuals.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “lewd acts in public!” You’re cursed with David Bowie, the ultimate Moon Lord until the end of the game!
My house. 8 o’clock. lewd acts in public.
lewd acts in public is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
lewd acts in public... like a woman’s.
I am become lewd acts in public, the destroyer of worlds.

User
Killing myself, rather than being disgraced

Howdy neighbor, love an earthworm! Let’s get killing myself, rather than being disgraced sometime!
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but killing myself, rather than being disgraced.
The thief was caught stealing killing myself, rather than being disgraced from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of inhabitants.
You evaded my “killing myself, rather than being disgraced” attack! Most impressive.
Outrageous new comedy: 2 best friends and killing myself, rather than being disgraced take a road trip, and discover a rogue macaroni along the way.
Men, like killing myself, rather than being disgraced, go farthest when they are smoothest.


Being cooked and eaten

The only way to make sense out of being cooked and eaten is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was heavy garbage, part was being cooked and eaten, and it was crowned with a crudely-drawn dick.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. foaming, not at the mouth is being cooked and eaten.
When a person has being cooked and eaten, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing will win arguments and straighten people out.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered being cooked and eaten operation.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with being cooked and eaten!”

User
It means "No worries"
User
TALA MOANA!
User
This isn't my first rodeo, you know. I dealt with _ from my first employer all the time.
User
that time, remember, when, like, John got super wasted
User
teeth, where no teeth should be

_. Doing it once was ok. Doing it twice was the problem.

sleepy time
User
In honor of the delicious cookies that Superjer has been baking, and this Achewood:

I found out your cookies taste so bad because there's _ baked in to every single one.
User
Via Dan (& co):
Ask your doctor if _ is right for you. Side effects may include _, _, and dry mouth.

69, missionary, and doggy style.
User
BonerQuest! Chapter 7, in which our randy hero must overcome _.
User
an intangible idea
a stink bug (as long as no one thinks we have too many bug cards)
tainted love
an abomination unto God
a complete set of cybernetic implants
some guy named Darryl
this spring's hottest new fashions
a bunch of kids
User
a spicy banana aftertaste
User
compressed gas
answers to all of life's questions
User
Fixed it.

sobbing silently to yourself as the night closes in
User
Getting _ back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
User
a cold hearted assassin

After last week's stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname "_".

an aggressive tickler
User
I'm down.

And:

the most sensitive part of my body
(This tested awfully well)
User
a humorless Japanese businessman

the last wish of a dying man
User
poorly orchestrated group sex
User
a gentle kiss on the teeth
being slathered in baby oil
User
jeff is wizlord said:


SuperJer said:
User
a firm slap to the groin
droppin' trou on the way up the stairs
User
underwear that pulls poop out of your butt
greed, secrets, poison and murder
the contents of your vacuum cleaner bag
User
the death simulator
User
several children
maximum attitude
a mystery wrapped in an enigma

My financial analyst had advised me against investing all my money in _.
User
danglin' out there all pink and naked
User
nuclear warfare
User
two F-bombs and an odd number of titties
doing surgery on LSD
a rape gorilla (c.f. "My doctor says I need a rape gorilla before I can get water")

pendulous breasts
User
a gigantic eyeball on a stalk
User
a penis in a shot glass

Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with _! It's all here in my manifesto!
User
This has really given me something to think about

And:

my womanly virtue
User
Can't have too many smells™

an Asian martial arts master
mood enhancing hormones
overzealous product placement
violent death
User
banging them in their sodomy butts

I guess SJ's changes to the forum makes my sig only work at certain screen sizes.

Alpabept soup incoming:

alien technology
a bruised ego
crisp fresh lettuce
delegating responsibilities
an enslaved tribe
fornicating all day, every day
a great big sword
habanero salsa
irresponsible parenting
jabbing people in the eye
kickbacks for crooks
lower standards
mighty Zeus <- maybe the winner of this round.
nitro-boosted performance
outrageous fortune
a prime cut of steak
quick-set cement
a raunchy sex comedy
my secret sex gymnasium
taffy
unbelievably beautiful hair
a velvet fist
wandering around
an exhumed corpse
yanking hard
zoo smell


User
Dude, I completely forgot about Alphabert. We need more of Alphabert.

a big dang deal
a long rambling story
User
a thick layer of frosting
Modification suggestion: someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value _ more. Now hold still!
User
Dear journal, today I went into the city and saw _ for the first time!
User
50,000 volts of electricity
a stalker
a night of unrestrained passion
10,000 dancers, dancing in unison
User
the majestic Humboldt squid
(I double-checked the capitalization on that one)

a cataclysmic magic spell

fist pumping
User
a crocodile death rolling my taint
User
I like my women like I like _: with _.
User
the biggest heaviest shotgun
User
A feast of blood
User
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was _.

A sex swing mishap

Trainer, you need to work on your black cards. The card needs to set up a relationship with the blank(s).
User
A lifetime of _ awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
User
shame vibes
bear sperm
a crusty dish rag
a rich nutty aroma
User
"juice"
a detached face
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence on _.
User
the recent tragedy in Africa
acute watery diarrhea
User
the curse of king Acamapichtli
alien parasite larva
(Can you believe we didn't have any of those three words in the game yet)
User
pure honey
User
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need _ and _.

On my way to work today, I had to swerve around _ on the freeway.

a demon torture puzzle box

this inchworm

a watermelon

a preserved brain in a jar

a piñata full of cigarettes

Furious that I had peeked into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into _.

a spooky buttplug

I blew most of my family's fortune by investing in _.

my nuggets, late at night

I boobie-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by _.

"You didn't even get me anything for my birthday!" "Yes I did, remember _?"
User
You put _ back right now, young man, you've already had yours!

Those hooligans over there
User
Let's all thank Aaronjer for this card, which made us both just lose our shit:

When presented with _, _ will fart blood in anticipation.
User
I do definitely like having a large variety of cards, so hopefully our stock will keep growing over time.

The most important thing is for people to test their cards here:
http://superjer.com/forum/sah/test10.php

Just give your cards a whirl. If they don't knock your socks off, tinker with them or try something else. Testing also makes it pretty obvious when the grammar isn't quite working out.

Also: gourmet drinking chocolate
User
What's in the fridge? Soda, OJ, _... Sweet, Sunny-D!

black magic orgasms
purple stuff

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning "_".
User
Eerie silence
An above/below the table snuggle.

Woah, _! I'm gonna put my mouth on it!
User
cinnamon snuff
real human interaction
User
_: Its natures candy!

Also

Natures candy
User
A fish choad
User
a traffic cone full of bibimbap

CAUTION: Keep _ out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
User
Ichor from a bug's gland.

And a good rule of thumb for black cards is to make them very specific. Like the black card should sort of set the scene.
User
Dog who shall sport in roadway

Tootling with vigor
User
The rich aroma of _, from the hills of Columbia.
User
a book of wizard poetry
User
a wish granting goblin
User
Some more blocks getting the texture treatment. As I'm making these, I'm thinking of ways that the texture can be varied a lot more without much more work. As it is, you can see the same stones in the textures repeating all over.

We'll also need multiple variations of some types of blocks, especially the plain ones that will get used many times in one scene.

User
Try one of these!

User
Liquor made from pickles, or 'pickle licker'.

and:

Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by _.
User
I'm trying to learn myself how to make isometric pixel art for Dead Kings. Right now I'm making like template shapes. I'll try to add details and things soon (and also the flipped versions of some of the blocks)

User
pickle liquor (this is a real thing, but not what it sounds like. Also not what it sounds like if you say it out loud)
Truck
User
Last night I dreamed that I was talking to Nature Jay on the phone about moving to Chicago while picking my toenails. It was a really realistic dream about my toenails.
User
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate _.

It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by _.

a vague prophesy

a stroke of genius

Chimps in the wild have been observed using _ to forage for food.

Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by _ and _.
User
We have so many leopard white cards, but no leopard black card, so:

Although leopards are smaller than most other members of the Panthera genus, they are able to take large prey due to _.

(Original text in the blank was 'their large skulls' which may already be a white card...)
User
a gentle spanking
User
bed inspectors
User
human murder
User
I forgot to mention, but my previous suggestion should be a play 1.
User
In the public _ model, a third-party provider delivers the _ service over the Internet.
User
Being nude, spread eagle towards the sun
floppy trunk syndrome (thank you wikipedia)
User
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with _.
User
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through _!
User
I'm starting a new Aplaberth

Getting face pregnant from an alien
A Zulu rite of passage ritual

To be continued...
User
too much wiggling
The world's fastest pump
User
lifting your kilt and winking

(Your/my/the distinctions can always be hard. I'm like 75% sure that 'your' is the best option here)

cinderblock justice
User
When I told my parents, my father shouted "No daughter of mine is going out with _!"

squirting acid
User
I dunno, but here's another one thanks to The Heart She Holler:
Fecal intimacy pills.
User
According to that View All page, we've got:
Legs
Weird legs
Hyperactive legs
Closing her legs
Between your legs
Long, spindly legs
A bulky frame, sturdy legs, and rounded cloven hooves
User
NatureJay said:
A Glasgow smile.


Nice.
User
Alphabert soup.

ample legroom
a blinding flash of insight
crouching silently
a dictionary for swear-words
earwig pincers
"forensic evidence" (semen)*
the godhead
a hackneyed truism
an icy tomb
journeying to far off-lands
a kangaroo kick to the head
a lamprey infestation
mostly unused hypodermics
newer technology
offal, wrapped in a burrito
a purgative elixir
a qualified body inspector
the reanimated corpses of my neighbors
solvent
a time-honored tradition
a uniquely adapted slave race
the void of nothingness
weird legs
a xenophobic history lesson
a yo-yo trick
zebras disguised as horses

* This one needs to include the quotes and parenthesis. cf. "McDonalds combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of "forensic evidence" (semen)."

Who is Alphabert?
User
I need to do an alphabet game. But in the meantime...

Complex maths
(Thanks again, wikipedia).

I saw Nick suggest "Sir, you have a phone-call. Something about _...?"
(Someone double check the wording plzthx)
User
The savory gels of her lust.
(cf. "Nancy Drew and the mystery of the savory gels of her lust.")
User
A moisture wicking fleece sleeve for your penis.

That's not funny, my dad was killed by _.

For that black card, I really can't tell if 'mom' or 'family' are funnier than 'dad'. Dad is more specific, but its funny when something can kill a whole family...
User
The city condemned our house after finding _ in the crawlspace.

being asleep, not dead

Little Nicky/Happy Gilmore slash fiction

the first blush of womanhood
User
Well, ok, yea, if it had hieroglyphs it would be way better.
User
Low profile laptop-style keys are the best, and fortunately for me you can get those on ergonomic keyboards.

This is the finest keyboard ever made:
http://www.microsoft.com/hardware/en-ie/p/comfort-curve-keyboard-2000#details

Especially when you have auto hotkey making the media buttons on top do something useful.

I need to go buy like 3 more of these.
User
I imagine a keyboard like this inside The Swan.
User
Thanks to Aaronjer: my hot boy routine
brooding young in the mouth
my cloaca
kids swearin' like sailors
A blood oath sworn on the grave of my ancestors

As it was prophesied, _ shall be the sign heralding the new age.

a portal that spews monsters every 3,000 years
a cup of my sweet blood
(For example: "Give a man a cup of my sweet blood, and you feed him for a day.")
a chalice of blood (Maybe redundant? I thought of these at different times though...)
The threshold of instant death (thank you mythbusters)
User
It's kinda adverby?

"... and so then in my dream _ appeared. But it wasn't _ I was used to. And then the dream got weird."
(A one-fer, obviously)

Also, I haven't tested these yet, but:
Subliminal commands from the moon
Catheter mistakes
looking fabulous, and feeling fabulous
(Edit: They've been tested now, don't worry)
User
<コ:彡
User
twincest

All y'all scrubs better recognize, I'm the King of _.
User
I drew this to imitate eyes being drawn all wrong.
Then it turned into manly toad all of a sudden.
User
a boiling mass of spiders
("This is my second kid. My first one came out as a boiling mass of spiders.")

grit, twigs and bits of gravel

("But of the tree of the knowledge of grit, twigs, and bits of gravel and door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die."
TRUE
FACTS)

Also someone tell me if this white card works:
bodily humors, not like 'haha' humors

It's a little long, but I like all the extra punctuation and such. I think that stuff can change the context of the black card in interesting ways.

Maybe 'funny, but not like 'haha' funny' is just plain better.
(When the beef came at me it was like funny, but not like 'haha' funny.)

strange bedfellows
User
"The Karatron 8,000,000,000 WILL change your life."
User
In the meantime, have you played de_substation?
http://steamcommunity.com/sharedfiles/filedetails/?id=136876244

Oh wait, you were the last one to post on it's workshop page :p
I guess you've probably seen it.
User
a mouthful of sick
(As in: So long as you have a mouthful of sick in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.
or
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow a mouthful of sick?
or
Love makes a mouthful of sick crawl out from its hiding place.)

bowels gone wild
User
my buttcheeks, pressed against the cold glass
(Or simply 'buttcheeks, pressed against the cold glass'. I can't decide which one is funnier more often)

sensual oil
User
A tarted up hussy
An uppity tranny
Butt slappin'
Puppets gettin' busy

How much work would it be to move the game to another server or THE CLOUD?
User
FallingShit said:
video game making


In what capacity? As a programmer?
Digipen actually has a pretty good track record of getting their graduates hired. Everyone who graduates has worked on two games, which is invaluable experience.
Truck
User
aaronjer said:
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!


Not to necro an old-ass post, but:
http://gunshowcomic.com/170

Anyone watched Attack On Titan? I keep hearing about it.
User
We need metrics!
Getting Elo for white cards would be awesome. I also thought it would be useful to track how long each white card stays in someone's hand on average.

I think I mentioned this in our last game, but the voting +/- buttons on black cards should always be visible.

aaaand we need to release to a wide audience to get a big sample size for all this. I guess this is probably a lot of work? I'm really curious though to see what happens when a wide audience plays our white and black cards.

Also, white card: fist murder
User
There are very few voices as familiar to me as Mike Doughty's, so there's something really strange about hearing it sing a very familiar song that's not his.

Also, who is that mountaineer? That's not my dad.

Sick vid
User
feeling fat and sassy
a dusty butthole

Also, for NJ's crown of femurs card, I got:
"A crown of femurs begins where counting the dead sons ends."

the mysteries of childbirth
User
Chilly
Dag
Sanic
User
hot turds
User


and:

jammin' body parts in the juicer
User
User
my haunted butthole
User
One thousand scorpions
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with _ and a mysterious boy who fights _.
(A bunch of my black cards wind up being movies...)

I promised my kids that they could get _ for Christmas.
(I added the words 'that they could get' in there because it makes some of the verby cards work better, but they still don't work all that well. Maybe the card would be better without those words? Any thoughts?)
User
a made up racial slur
sloppier thirds

"By means of _ I intend to extort 200 million dollars from the U.N."

A creepy marionette
An anatomically correct sock puppet
The "treasure box"
A robustly satisfying fart
User
Most of my blood.
User
black market organs
User
Does this mean the game is in open beta instead of "open beta"?
User
Maybe "working up into a frenzy", but that's kinda awkward.

Also "having a quiet freakout".

hotdog grade "meat"

a positive test for fecal matter
User
joie de vivre

For example:
"I'm undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to joie de vivre."

Or

"Its important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, joie de vivre, toilet paper, shelter, and a mind-erasing kit."

"Then God said, “Let there be _”; and there was _. And God saw that _ was good." (Pick 1, reworded very slightly from the King James Bible. It's too bad we can't have the superscript verse markers in there too.)

More Bible funs!
"But of the tree of the knowledge of _ and _ you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

I got:
"But of the tree of the knowledge of a wet burst and bodily functions gone awry you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”
No one can say that god didn't warn us.
User
I just combed over this entire truck, so the game is current with all suggestions up to this point! (yay!)

User
Oh dear god! that was the last of my medication for "_" syndrome.
^--- Click that to test!

Lord Deathstroke
(consider: "You can fool some of the people all the time, and you can fool all the people some of the time, but you cannot fool Lord Deathstroke.")
User
Also, people have 10 cards to choose from, so if, like, 1 out of 10-ish cards doesn't work then people can just not use them.

It DOES happen that everyone playing is all like "Aww, none of my cards are grammatical" on some black cards.

So I dunno. English is so fuckin' hard.

Also, white card:
unnatural lust
User
Yea, I tried it on Fire Fox at my home and work computer.
User
Nope. I couldn't click on any of the buttons.
User
Yaay! I can finally create a room.
User
acting in an irresponsible fashion
a fresh clean merkin
the glory of being a clown


The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the "_" incident in the science lab.

This one can take the definite article before the quotes, but unfortunately cards like 'a thing' sound weird with the 'a' left on. Still good though.
"The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the "specimens" incident in the science lab."

Sometimes the quotes seem like they're probably pointless:
"The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the "struggling with a police officer" incident in the science lab."

Maybe tag articles on white cards, and then have a 'ditch the articles' flag on black cards?

... And so my mom asked me, "if all your friends were _, would you be _ as well?"
(One-fer)

delirious biznasty
User
Can we get a tool that draws a hand of cards? I feel like twofers are easier to judge that way.

Also: "For betraying the Sultan, the general was thrown into the pit of _."

Rando gives us:
Quote:
For betraying the Sultan, the general was thrown into the pit of grunting mermaids.

For betraying the Sultan, the general was thrown into the pit of sloppy seconds.

For betraying the Sultan, the general was thrown into the pit of a secret exit.

For betraying the Sultan, the general was thrown into the pit of gravitational collapse.


Ok, damn, speaking of rando lottery, I wanted to turn this one into a toofer so I rephrased it thusly:
The theif was caught stealing _ from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of _.
...and got this:
Quote:
The theif was caught stealing pomp from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of ideas above your station.


<edit>

And THEN I got
Quote:
The theif was caught stealing a leak from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of keeping the pressure on.


I like this kind of twofer because it can work if you don't have related white cards, but still can be better if you do.
User
NatureJay said:
Who needs a giant brain with four faces but no limbs and the properties of dwarfs when this sentence can do the job of both?


lol! This may be the twistiest sentence SAH has ever produced.

TBH the philosophical cards kinda bug me. Some, like "There is no greater solitude than _ unless it is that of a tiger in the jungle." can be fun because they make silly nonsense, but I think we have just way too many of them.

I think the problem is that a lot of cards like "I ask that you judge me by _ I have made." simply lack a certain critical specificality.
User
SuperJer said:
This makes me even more want to include vocal style suggestions for some cards.


"Intone this card reverently, like a king is burying his baby son."

Also, thinking about Jay's "Every man who is not _, _, or _ etc." card made me realize how good that format is for putting a verb/noun combo (like 'adopting a romanian baby') in the first space. It makes it sound like the verb applies to the other blanks. It works with some other cards too, like "...a refreshing douche of sprite, more blood, or a tiny Jamaican."

So we need some black cards with consecutive blanks (or "_ or _" or "_ and _").
User
That last one is tricky with cards in the form 'a <thing>'. The second to last one made me lol.

This one should be a toofer, with the 'mathematician' left in the middle (or one of the other words. Mad philosopher maybe?). I like cards like the 7 deadly sins one.
It plays pretty well:
"Every man who is not adopting a Romanian baby, a mathematician, or rude kids is the slave of some woman or other. " I'm going to adopt a mathematician!

To the stilled Earth say: '_'. To the rushing water speak: '_'.

a way rude hunger
User
It's important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, _, toilet paper, shelter, and _.
User
"David Bowie, the Ultimate Moonlord"
How are there no David Bowie cards already?
User
A victorian penny dreadful
User
So long as you have ___ in your mouth, you have solved all questions for the time being.

Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.

The best comfort food will always be greens, ___, and fried chicken.

I'm at the age where ___ has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

There is no spectacle on earth more appealing than that of a beautiful woman in the act of cooking ___ for someone she loves.

Jan Sobieski, leading the largest cavalry charge in history, rode into battle atop ___.
User
I kinda meant pus, with one s.

"Fart jokes and naughty cave paintings"
User
A puss tornado
User
Schadenfreude
(Goes great with a certain je ne sais qwahh (which I gave up trying to spell half way through (jeez I just spelled schadenfreude correctly give me a break)))
User
"anything on the face of this earth" is a pretty good white card.

Also "a time machine that has yet to be invented". I didn't think it'd be that great, but I keep finding quotes like "The good times of today, are a time machine that has yet to be invented of tomorrow."

Novelty gag dildo
User
'A mindless animal response' made me lol.

And that recipe is for bread, obviously. I was going for another 'door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes'.
User
Foaming, not at the mouth
(inspired by http://nedroid.com/2010/06/self-diagnosis/)

Since we already have "a crudely drawn dick" do you think we should have "an impressively rendered vagina"?

"Family fun night"

"6 cups flour, 1 cup milk, 1/2 cup water, 2 tsp yeast, 2 tbsp sugar, 1 tbsp salt"
User
Only my index finger
various fluids

What parts of speech are 'only' and 'various'? This may be a gold mine.

“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were ___ instead of rational creatures."

OR

“I hate to hear you talk about all women as if they were fine ladies instead of ___."

Which of these is funnier? I can't decide. (That's a Jane Austin quote btw.)

"What starts off as a boner"
"That urpy feeling like when you eat too much"
"All your drama"
User
Here Skizzate is punching Mr. X's gun to death, because we all know that the left bit is the real Lavos.

Also, where's his other leg? Is he just like sitting on Mr. X's face? What is going on here?
User
https://github.com/superjer/sah/blob/master/cards-white.tab

"Jailbait fashion week"

And from this article, about the Stanley Parable guy trolling a marketing representative, we have:
"200 micrograms of 25b research-grade psychoactive liquid chemical"

And how did we miss
"a summer sausage"?
User
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from ___.
User
Scientists are trying to end world hunger by turning ___ into ___.

Hella teen angst.
User
Is this guy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ugASLblNk4
the next time cube?

He's already said one good white card: "spiritual functionality"

"Pantone 'PukeMustard' #2854"
User
Cry-Zumi combo cards

"Cool ranch flavored scuba air."
"Smoky chipotle flavored scuba air."
User
I was trying to come up with twofers where the blanks don't necessarily have anything to do with eachother, thus:

"In this outrageous new comedy, two best friends and ___ take a road trip, and discover ___ along the way."

Edit: Ok, I gave this a test run and got "In this outrageous new comedy, two best friends and a berserk horse take a road trip, and discover unbridled fury along the way.
User
"A noodle sorcerer"

Also,
"Farting in my sleep"
I like how specific that phrasing is, but "Farting while sleeping" my be more broadly applicable?
Discuss.
User
"both ends"
User
"Smiling like a doughnut"
"The basic unit of physics"
User
When the celestial spheres align, ___ will descend from the heavens."
User
Also "a mean dookie on deck" should be "a big mean dookie on deck"

AND

"Friendship is ___ dewlling in TWO bodies."
(not 'to' bodies)
User
Heavy iron dildoes.
Sweedish murder suit.
User
I forgot, we can replace one of the celebrity cards with
"Snuggling with Ian McKellan"
User
A short muscular rectum.

(Thank you wikipedia!)
User
Noble and manly music invigorates ____, strengthens ____, and incites ____ to great and worthy deeds
User
drama pipes

Original style is fine, but chunky style kinda tastes like ___.
User
Grandma's ghost.
A bee sting on the anus.

Military scientists in Syria found traces of ___ in the soil.
User
During routine surgery, the doctors found ___ embedded in my abdomen.
User
New extreme Mountain Dew flavor: ___ Blast!
User
Nancy Drew and the mystery of ___.

McDonalds combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of ___.
User
I call it "Adam's Lament"



"For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin?"


User
I'd heard a little Santigold just from random radio songs, but then I discovered she did a song with Karen O (from the Yea Yea Yeahs)

Sick vid
User
Superjer is now in




btdub, I don't have 3D glasses so someone tell me if this worked.
User
I'm actually a construct that came into being purely on accident, as a result of the particular configuration of information on superjer's server. Therefore, I only exist on superjer.com.
User
Finally, MC has a speedy transportation solution. Unfortunately, that solution involves falling out of the world and becoming permanently stuck in a bridge.

SO!

I built a railroad. (Or part of a railroad).

The railroad only goes to near Aaronjer's big bridge because terrain won't load while you're riding a cart, so going much further would dump you into unloaded terrain (which is bad).

Also, remember, always ride the car in the right lane (this is a US server after all). There are some track sections that shunt you onto the correct track if you're on the wrong side, but still...

Also, don't mess with the carts in the tiny short sections of track that run parallel to the main track. These are boosters, and need to be in their 'reset' position in order to boost the next car that comes through. Everything should wind up in the correct state automatically as you use the track.

Here's how to ride the track!

First, from the spawn, notice the huge flight of stairs with the sign indicating the trainstation. Go up these stairs to find a train station.

http://superjer.com/nezumi/mc_railtutorial_1.png

Down below the train station, you'll find the spare cart queueueueueue*.

http://superjer.com/nezumi/mc_railtutorial_2.png

Redstone torches change the direction of track curve sections under some circumstances. What you'll need to do first is take the redstone torch provided (Or your own if there isn't one around) and put it where it is in this screenshot:

http://superjer.com/nezumi/mc_railtutorial_3.png

Then go down below, and push a cart up the hill to the loading zone. Next, put the redstone torch where it is in the final screenshot.

http://superjer.com/nezumi/mc_railtutorial_4.png

Finally, push the cart up to the block marked with a star, and get in. Hopefully, the cart should roll off the far side of the block, and be off.

TO RETURN:

Just push the cart down the hill, and jump in. You should wind up back at the station near the spawn, in the spare-cart queueueue.

Enjoy!


* If anyone knows how to stop spelling queueueueueueueueue please let me know.
User
Holy shit you guys, you have no idea how badly I want to change everyone's posts to look like this:

User
You talk about remembering context, that there's another real person reading the trolls, but you've also got to remember that this is the superjer.com forums. The line here is NOT in the same place as, say, where it would be when you were talking to someone you bumped into on the street.

I really don't think SRAW's comment was inappropriate. I think it's weird for anyone to get offended at that particular statement, especially since
a) Sprinkles didn't, and
b) no one actually got hurt (I'm assuming neither Sprnkles nor the dogs got lung cancer).

This is definitely a 'we'll all laugh about it later' sort of situation. SRAW is just getting the ball rolling. Did you guys not notice that he was implying that he himself set the fire in a round about way?

Or maybe he was just trolling. In any case, the societal norm is that people should expect any kind of comment when they post anything in a PUBLIC place on the internet. Societal norms dictate how we respond to people, and what we expect from them. It doesn't make SRAW right (although I happen to think he was by lightening the situation) but it does mean that other people around trolls are expected to not exacerbate the situation by getting all offended.

Which is all to say, Don't Feed the Trolls!
User
Necro-ing an old dsicussion 'cause that's how I roll.

1: I don't listen to a lot of ICP (haven't at all in years), but I've never heard anything by them that I don't like. A lot of bands get shit because of their fans. But there's no correlation, positive OR negative, between popularity and quality. Which I guess cuts both ways in this case. MCR is another band that gets shit from their fans but is SO GOG DAMNED GOOD.

2: The joke in miracles is that they're singing about love and music and their kids being miracles, which is pretty run of the mill stuff, but juxtaposing this with literal physical processes like fuckin' magnets and things like that. This is funny. Their deadpan delivery is funny too.

3: I was utterly floored by The Suburbs. Various songs in it were stuck in my head continuously for 3 straight weeks. No joke. I hadn't really heard anything by them before, besides Ready to Start on the radio, which was pretty ok, but I listened to the rest of it and fell in love. I think it's better than Neon Bible, although I've only listened to that one time through. I haven't heard any of Funerals, but maybe I should. I really liked the way The Suburbs worked as a whole album, and not only as individual songs. Reminds me of the Gorillas albums Demon Days and Plastic Beach.

4: Also, I don't judge music I haven't listened to so I'm on the highest ground of all! Honk Honk! :o)
User
I think the cathedral is finally done now.
Truck
User
No. Not at all.
User
User
DOYOOO!!
User
It's definitely not a bear.
Truck
User
Yep.
Truck
User
I'm totally anti-hax (as far as multiplayer goes) and I still use the map hack.

Walking through the game alone or with a friend or whatever is fun every once in a while, but powerleveling and rushing yourself or (especially) other people is the meat of the game. And you can't really do that very well without the map hack.


Speaking of cheating, though, using an item editor in the non bnet ladder game is insanely fun. My favorite thing to do is to create a bow that has a 100% chance to cast a spell on strike. Almost any spell that works is really really funny. I think my favorite is a bow with a 100% chance to cast a high level Fist of the Heavens but does no physical damage. It's like some sort of satellite laser targeting device. A bow that causes teleport is great too. Every time you hit an enemy, they teleport to some random nearby location. Go get a boss by themselves and use a bunch of guided arrows with that bow.
User
FYI, there are youtube videos of polesocking.

Here's some videos from last year's games.

During a red team meeting, the Nomads released a bull into the courtyard of their fortress.
"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nomads Release Bull"

Red team tests out their new Dune Buggy, the 'H2 Turbo Quad Braced Beam Suspension F12 350 Micro Attack Buggy' which is otherwise known as Roly Poly.
"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Roly Poly"

This is the Israeli-Australian Coalition's attempt to intimidate the competition. It nearly caused a full-scale retaliation-demonstration, but the IAC managed to carry the round with a solid 18 points over Blue Team's hastily assembled parade. The IAC was awarded a Gold Medal, 100 match points, 10 job points, and was given first pick in the second round semifinals of the pentultimate-frisbee pre-qualifiers.
"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IAC Shows Hind"
User
The team rosters have been updated. Good to see everyone in the spirit.
User
would sending a 'kill' input to every NPC work? There might be some way to easily do that without having to give each zombie it's own unique name, like by using a filter_activator_class or something.

Edit: You can send outputs to a class name instead of a target name, so you can send a kill input to npc_zombie (or whatever the name of the entity you're using is) and all the zombies in the map should drop dead.
User
Yes, if you like, or you can just wait for the press gang to come 'round.
User
I had the top time on one level for between 5 and 10 minutes. That was my contribution.

*bump*
User
I'm also placing you on Blue Team.
User
This sounds suspiciously like CLAMP. This better not have anything to do with CLAMP...

*consults internet*


Edit: Well, ok, according to the internet this isn't associated with clamp.
User
Truer words, Enjay.

Speaking of affecting the lives of millions, the first preliminary round of Doomsday Device prototypes is just now beginning. This gives our teams a chance to share ideas, and get an idea of what they'll be up against in the field.

For example, here we have Cammi Falls' mom being shown a prototype of a certain doomsday device by your 10th grade science teacher, who just happens to be a member of blue team.

User
We're having problems with the official recruiting email. It should only be a bit before it's set up properly, please stand by.

In other news, we have here the first photos of the Israeli-Australian coalition's summer training camp.

Here is the man Zachariah Bliss himself, along with some other douchebags.


As you can probably guess by their equipment, they are on their way to practice either skeet shooting or ping pong. Actually I'm not sure which it is, but boy do they look excited.
User
Bui Kichwa!

User
I made higher res game images than you.

(Click for image)
Truck
User
omg, you guys.
Seriously lol
wtf
Truck
User
Mellow Yellow, man,
you gotta get these things right.
It's been fixed for you.
Truck
User
This is impressive.
Honestly I am surprised.
You guys dont' all suck

I just had to fix a bit
of your grammar (it's in red)
User
Wait, this game is a sims mod? That kinda makes sense...
Truck
User
superjer said:
"Well he's like an old granny at a retirement home in Chicago."
"On indefinite stay."
"He doesn't have memory loss, he has gained memories."
"He used to live on the 3rd floor, but now he lives on the side floor."
"His room has 3 windows but they're above the ceiling."
"And he talks to the TV all day, even when it's off."


For the record, various of those statements are true.
Truck
User
Oh most crucial truck,
most wraught with convolution,
in it's effulgence.

In this thy third expression,
we rejoice at your return.

--

Hear this: in this truck
must all members only write
in true haiku form.

--

If you do not know,
a haiku is a poem
with a rigid form.

--

With either 3 lines,
with 5, 7, 5 syllables,
or instead 5 lines

with with the same 5, 7, 5,
and then 2 lines of 7.

--

NO POSTS that don't fit,
that have the wrong rithym form,
will be allowed here.

The post will be edited
to say the following words:

OMG you guys,
this thinking think is so hard!
I'm not smrat enough!
User


Just to see if alpha works. And because of the magical rainbow fun of superjer.com, I figure what the hell, I may as well try it against a ton of different background colors!

Edit: CRAP! ABORT ABORT!!

Recalibrating...
User
TF2 is for noobs anyway.

Fortress-Forever is the only TF game cool enough for the SJ.com forums.
User
I didn't add my own option 'cause superjer sucks!

Doyoooo!
User
The end, with him jumping into the enemies at the conclusion of the song, actually fit really well. Like NJ said just tigten it up. It's a clever gag but it's bogged down by some unnecessary bits.
Truck
User
l337sk337 is technically a knife map so it gets my vote.
User
^ There is no 'win' in Mike_The_StickMan, but there is an i.

Admin edit: If Jack Log, or anyone else, wants to start using other symbols, that's fine but we need SOMETHING.
Truck
User
Ryu would totally own Ken any day. Hands down.


That rude gesture people make where the put one hand on the inside of the other arms elbow, and raise their other hand in a fist,

OR

that other one that British people do that... isn't exactly the peace sign.
User
Some interesting facts about pole socking:

The accountants of the Cislunar Pole Socking League (or CPL, the largest pole socking league this side of the moon) claim that the expendetures for the pole socking tournament account for the largest numerical values ever recorded in an accounting log. In fact, the last 20% of last years tournament was a front for a series of skirmishes which were an attempt to gain controll over vast tracts of the Amazon Rain Forest, Disguised as a sudden death overtime round of 'Guerilla Paintball'. This was an attempt to secure enough lumber for the production of our accounting log books. This fact may also go a long way towards explaining the unusually high number of snake bites recorded at last years tournament.

As you may remember from the delightful human interest story, covered extensively by Bob Costas in his 'Behind the Poles' series, an amateur native Alaskan pole socking squad qualified for the 2nd battalion of Red Team. Of course, the majority of last years tournament was held in arid climates, leading many to jest that this arctic group would melt in the scorching hot sun. In an ironic twist of fate, one of blue teams plasma batteries, cleverly disguised as a thicket of Saguaro cacti, simultaneously incenerated all the members of this squad into a fine silty ash.

None of the administrators of the Pole Socking tournament have ever been successfully convicted of a war crime.

Some people say that flying into space aboard a rocket is like birth. There is the long wait, the claustrophobia, the darkness, the distantly heard noises -- the gurgle of fuel pumps, the hum and tick of power units, the whisper of half-heard voices from the world without -- and then the trauma, the pain of g-forces, the terrible vibration and sudden noise, followed by the entry into light and the cosmos. Others say it is like sex. There is the long anticipation -- sometimes so much more exciting than the real event. The foreplay -- the endless, frustrating simulations. Then the preparation on the pad. The lying down on the form-fitting couches. The tease of the countdown. The pulse accelerating, the senses finely tuned. Then the explosion of release. An ejaculation of energy. After the release and the straining and the cries aloud there is the silence and the cool embrace of space. And then, as soon as it is finished, one wants it to start all over again. Still others say that it is like dying. Ignition is the casting free from the body, the separation of spirit from matter. We claw toward the fringes of atmosphere like a drowning man fighting his way to the surface of the sea, like a soul flying free from its burden of flesh. But once to this surface, we find only vacuum. Everything and everyone we know and have known or ever could know is left behind. All of like is abandoned for the cold, silent sterility of the cosmos beyond. When the engines shut down, the ordeal and pain over, the barrier between life and death has been breached, the spirit is become one with the cosmos, but lonely... oh, so lonely.
User
The only true name for a company like this is Automated Turbo Systems and Dynamics.

http://www.andrewdavidson.com/gibberish/?companyname=Automated+Turbo+Systems+and+Dynamics
User
What happened to brad's posts? They disappeared before I even banned him (for not using the ^ in that other thread)
User
That explains the wierd brushes on the stairs.

You really do need to rebuld the map entirely if you're using a decompiler.
User
If that, as it looks, is a triangle with 2 really really long sides and 1 really short one, hammer really doesn't like those sometimes.
User
Steady.... stay on target...





...no good, it just impacted on the surface!
Truck
User
Wii because

a) You can buy one.
b) There exist reasons to buy one.

War and Piece or The War of the Ring?

Admin Edit: People better start playing along damnit! Now Pick War and Piece or The War of the Ring or FACE THE CONCEQUENCES!!
User
^ Also has many arms and legs but not as many ears as CornJer.
User
I don't think brad quite understands the way these forums work yet.
User
^ Is going to start taking points from/banning people who don't use the ^ symbol.
Truck
User
I choose




Hydrogen Peroxide or Strontium Boride?
User
Maybe brad's a sine wave. Then the tangent could intersect at an unlimited number of places.

I don't know about this though. He doesn't seem to be cyclical as he hasn't come back after I unbanned him.
User
^ Took his boat for a car.
User
Ok, he's unbanned now. That was refreshing.
User
But if brad's plane was curved it'd explain a lot.
User
"NatureJay" said:
2. Henry Fuckin' Kissinger.


That's your argument for everything.

Nixon, detente, frekazoid.

Where does it end?
User
Ok, but just for one day, and only because I haven't done any real admining around here in like a year.
User
I found a cat that looked like a rancor. This is what happened.

User
This one is my current favorite:

User
And that, in turn, was an SA rippoff.
User
I think we all need to get together and compare Wiis.

(P.S. Superjer, as an adendum to our conversation: Gravitino? Seriously now they're just makin' shit up.)
User
If I had those sprites, I could make something pretty good. Mostly it'd involve Star Fox.
User
Also coming soon to SJcom.net:
Map: ff_aggression for FF
Map: ff_tiger for FF (Based on the original by
Map: ff_4tron for FF
Map: ff_cacti for FF
Map: ff_l337sk337 for FF
Map: ff_harbor for FF (hopefully in cooperation with superjer)
Map: ff_mackerel for FF ('cause we can't go excludin' people. That'd be rude.)

Speaking of Mackerel, the CSS version is essentially done already.
User
Got to level 14. The rain makes the game PAINFUL.
User
Yo mamma so fat I burned my ass on the lightbulb.
Truck
User
This is why I like Toyotas.
User
Atojer, if you can see this message we need to go mining, war be damned. Come on. I've got warp stabs.
(P.S. AA blew up a couple of Repo's ravens )
User
The poll was lacking an option.
User
Vote for/against you pending seeing the picture.

This better be good.
User
So can that other log type or what?
User
I voted against Shotgun 'cause he's playing WoW.
User
You deserve a prize. Instead, I've changed your avatar again.
Truck
User
I'm gonna change j smoke's avatar to this:



for clarity's sake.
User
I guessed that the answer was 'by fucking' but I was wrong.
User
We had to recall the bedpans for being...

...defective.


As soon as we can bribe the right members of the FDA we should be able to get Superjercom.web lunch boxes on the shelves.
User
This thread is only for Sonnet,
To talk of whatever you want through verse.
We ask that you put nothing else on it,
And so the rules of such we now rehearse.

The lines you write shall count but four and ten;
Three sets of four and then two more to end.
Having constructed this framework, therein
Ten syllables per line, that is the trend.

The rhyme scheme of this verse is not too hard,
Lines two and four are paired, as first and third.
So too the last two lines in this regard,
Be sure the ends of pairs their rhymes are heard.

We know it's hard to write upon demand,
But fuck this up, we swear that you'll be banned.
User
Hm...

Let's see...

Oh! What this? What have we found here?

Could it be? Yes I think it is. It is in fact...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdu1NfaYxso

Eat it bitch.
User
User
This is you:
http://dagobah.dy.fi/flash.php?nimi=DURRRRRRRRRRRan_fixed.swf

This is me showing some minimalist ass-serving with
ASCIIMANGA DAIOH
http://dagobah.dy.fi/flash.php?nimi=azumanga.swf
User
There is nothing that can save you from the sheer awesome might of:

http://dagobah.dy.fi/flash.php?nimi=MrTDDR.swf
User
Oh, it's on now biatch!



Zarathustra is like that chump on the left, zim is the bozo on the right, and this is me:

http://dagobah.dy.fi/flash.php?nimi=StarRave.swf
User
Due to recent paperwork I've been forced to fill out, there will be mandatory "Claymore Safety" seminars for all pole socking/storm chasing participants.

Everyone please report to your local Community College.

And remember, this is NOT how you use a claymore:



R.I.P. PFC Carl "Curious" Jones.
User
User
Cornell, you play TFC? Have you checked out www.fortress-forever.com yet?

(Everyone should come to the forums there and raise a ruckus)
User
Here's the layout of the field of play for next weeks competition. The goal is to infiltrate your emey's base, steal their keycard and return it to the gas chamber to release the nerve gas.



Last year there was some sort of bug that prevented people from putting on the protective clothing that gets revealed when the gas is about to be set off, but hopefully we'll have that sorted out.
User
Buddism isn't really a religion.

Unless you're one of those Buddists that doen't really pay attention to what Buddha actually said. Then its' a religion.
User
Revenga - System of a down.

That's just recently though.
User
And here comes Bob Costas, official announcer for the games, to give us an update on the progress of our athletes.



"It's been an exciting first week of these games so far folks, with a surprise upset win in the pre-game fight between red's beaureaucracy team and blue's beaureaucracy team, with red springing a tripple sock at the last second to secure the win. In the early stages of the main game red has used the advantage their beaureaucrats earned to good advantage, with a quick string of low-grade socks. Although blue lagged behind initially, they've made up for it in the past few days with a number of solid socks made possible by a red team that's almost disappeared from the field.

Red team seems to be playing a more strategic game, as after the first day they seem to have sequestered themselves in their mountain fortress. Now my sources tell me that they are working on a secret high-grade weather changing device, hoping to create a more stable and controlled F5 tornado. In earlier interviews with Red's coaches and strategists they hinted at such a possibility, and in addition we've captured footage of heavy industrial equipment, possibly for the device or for a heavy duty F5 riding vehicle, being transported to Red's base before the match.

In any case, Blue team has pulled into a quick lead here at DangerJer stadium.

In the meantime, the Nomads have been highly visible, wreaking havock up and down the field all week. On Saturday, they seemed to notice Red's absense, and began building siege equipment down the pass from the Mountain Fortress. We'll have updates on the progress of that as the game continues.

Coming soon, we'll have an interview with these games official referee, Jet Monkey Duo, and a memorial montage for the athletes that have already died."
User
While doing some paperwork in preparation for the game, I came across this in our archives:



It's a photo of the first ever red team, just before they became the winners of the first ever pole socking tournament held in 1848. Fifth from the right is the Captain, Mr. Ribbon. Second from the right is FauxChitzl, and 4th from the right is NatureJay. Conrad is on the far left and the Good Dr. Cryson is peeking in third from the left. Jet Monkey Duo, the reff, is having a friendly pre-game chat with the team He's 5th from the left. Not pictured: Mao Ze Dong.

An iteresting side note, you can see Mr. Ribbon with his hand in his pocket. He was actually at the very minute this photo was taken pressing the launch button on a miniturized controller for a mind controll sattelite, in an attempt to gain power over Jet Monkey Duo. Although his ploy failed, it was the source of much laughter for years to come.
User
Before the game starts, I'd also like to clarify some rules. There have been disagreements in the past so I'm setting the record straight.

1. Hitting someone in the back is not cheating.

Hopefully this will make this years game run much more smoothly.
User
Wasn't he a Hubologist?
Truck
User
Silicon.


...Wait, that's a metalloid.
Truck
User
My favorite is when I get asian stereotypes thrown at me (in games and such) because my name is Nezumi, even though I'm entirely Irish and German. (And like 1/16th mexican).
User
The condensed version (The kind without all the chaff). Also note that to be original I'm posting the rate of my processor instead of the frequency:

AMD athlon 3500+, with a rate of 4.16*10^-6 (in seconds per cycle)
2 gigs of ram <3
WD Raptor 10k rpm hard drives in 36 and 72 gig flavors.
And an ATI X850 something graphics card.
User
I found your last star. You can have it back.

*
User
This is basically my 'puty. It's name is John Pierre, after the dude who directed City of Lost children, among other movies.

Mine doesn't have the altimiter, oil gauge and pressure meter on the front though.

http://www.borgish.com/worklog/enermax.jpg

Also: Kitty!
Truck
User
For the record, sups,
I think that most people type
'b' with their left hands.

I only mention this 'cause
your haiku above was broke.
User
Perhaps Mr. Dixi will think harder about his actions in the future.
User
After the awards are given out, we have to decide the objective of our next mission. I say that we go for glory, and try to take all of superjer.net in order to turn it into a parking lot:

Truck
User
So are any of these messages showing up anywhere yet? It says he has to screen them, and it doesn't seem like many will pass...

As long as he sees them I guess we'll be dealing a blow to the enemy.
Truck
User
NEZUMI WILL DEVOUR ALL!!

NEZUMI IS JOINING THEWAR!!!

NOW FALL IN TROOPS!!!
User
Pot8o
But building coputers is fun.
User
And anyway valve has said that they will not be making hl3 as their next commercial product, or anything halflife related (Which means we have something to look foreward to after 'Aftermath', not counting anything CS:S or DOD related, because they're not commercial products).

Here's hoping it's TF2/TF:S!

If you can't wait for these games, check out Fortress-Forever!

P.S. Aftermath and Lost Coast aren't the same thing. Lost Coast was just a one level demo of some new stuff like HDR lighting, and Aftermath is the expansion.
User
I'm making a preview for the third McDiddies.

All I can reveal about it is... well... has anyone seen the movie Near Mrs.?
User
Mantissa!

Significand!
Truck
User
The vagina of the lambs.
Fantastic Vagina.

Also might I reccomend putting the word 'anal' with car names:
Anal Explorer.
Anal Eclipse
Truck
User
Oh, inspiration.
Like the fleeting autumn wind...


...I'm drawing a blank...
User
"Racer-X" said:
You might want to looks at making a 3d skybox, but as it's a fun map that's not verry neccesary, it just looks cool :D


There IS a 3D skybox:


And I'm pretty sure any errors in the map such as certain people not getting weapons or not spawning in the right place are the fault of the engine, which I think Superjer will vouch for. He was having problems of his own on the original snowsk337 (like the 16th launcher being a dud) for no reason.

I do appriciate all the feedback though.
Truck
User
I think JMD's crossed the fine lines between Unhelpful, obnoxious, and insulting.
So now he's added sublimation to his repetoir!

Observe this informitave diagram:


JMD now exists as a solid, liquid and gas sumultaneously!
Truck
User
Truck
User
Why the hell would you
buy a damned alienware?
Those things cost thousands.

Get computer parts,
put them together yourself,
and pay half the cost.
User
Ok, my desktop is down to 4 icons now, but I still have 10 quicklaunch buttons.
Truck
User
Truly, echidna,
structure is of no concern.
Just speak from your heart.
User
I also use dual-desktops. It's SUPER handy for making HL maps.
Also, I <3 earthbound. Everyone should press this button then listen to the music that comes from it 100 times.

Truck
User
It is clear to me,
how pointless my struggle's been.
I love big brother.
User
*ripps off aaronjer's skull and rapes him in the foramen magnum*
User
Wooh! Yea! Ireland!
(/e is Irish)
User
You know a_banananana, you CAN'T make noise without movement.
Physics and such...
User
For the edification of all, I shall tell you (all) that a 'Ninja Drop' is the most deadly maneuver in all of Counter-Strike.
It involves jumping down on someone while simultaneously firing a shotgun as wildly as possible. Hence the name 'Ninja Drop'. Sometimes it involves flashbangs.
Truck
User
6.02*10
^23 wow! That's
a lot of ninjas.
Truck
User
Japanese; English.
Two separate languages,
so I pluralize.





Now this post's sticky.
It's easier to express
your springtime thoughts now.
User
Are we to assume that superpissedandreadytorock.com is also 'reserved for future awesome.'?
User
My favorite car might be the Corvette Stingray

Although the car I'd most want to actually have would probably be a BMW, something along These lines...
User
As for randompureandsimple...

Nothing says quality like public domain sound effects.
Truck
User
WTF?
Omg, lmao.
brb, gg.
Truck
User
There once was a cow named Piles H. Maloney. Who liked to stack plates on red parked cars. Now this cow didn't understand that butterflies like to eat green eggs and cows. So he decided to drop a line of orange penuts and forget them.Which caused major swelling of the profits of Microsoft. Leading to the release of Microsoft causing many people to eat their vegetables and parents.Now this catastrophic diet causes severe pain to the area where it releases them carrot's into a blender with five burgerkingmanager's which resulted in pure chaos.
Piles said, 'Shaft! Report' into his shoe' causing many people named Shaft to jump off a very small cliff causin piles to yell 'Shaft! Noooooo!' Resulting in a hernia for the duration of the bomb timer. Explosions made the world with great hesitation, vulnerable for space-muffin's causing us all to give unto the many leaders our undying gratitude. As we watch southpark christmas specials we all wonder why the hell cow's eat grass. Now we must speculate on the mother of Piles, daft she was, suffering from many emotional wounds. Widowed after a series of continuous defeats. She decided to do like the ones who had brought us FLCL and start performing stripteases dressed like something else entirely too fat to wear tangerine Speedos. To make matters even better, she decided to dance on her dead pile of monkeys. That was awesome. Her new act stunned many around the turtlemeat company, which specialises in turtlemeat, obviously. Managers are trying to steal her act and her thunder.
The turtlemeat company is going to hell in a horse and carriage driver's handbasket. Fraudulent charges were brought by a donkey that hates all extraterrestrial lifeforms, who, tried to use, unsuccesfully, with ease, a damn good interpretation of Piles. Then aliens attacked. Piles was horrified. Now we are entering into a new paragraph.
Without the insight of all the members of superjercom.webstation, where will this brave new paragraph lead us to.....
Of course! New Orleans! Where Piles had a hankering for some naughty name calling. Unexpectedly, his mom showed him that while he danced he had his fly honies all up in his grill, which caused him grief. The girls couldn't understand that Piles was a problematic child with conditions far too advanced to treat. Now Piles needs some very costly hardware-rendering upgrades so we must laugh because he doesn't compare store prices. Now he must have a histerectomy to pay for the terrible transgressions that he commited. Now we all really have to stop saying 'now', but with all the things we treasure in life everyone must die. "The only one who can save us is me," Jacksmoke said boldly. Jacksmoke is now pondering his existance, in a pool of his own bodily fluids. What fluids could theese
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It is f0. I dont' know what you're talking about.

1601<sub>8</sub>
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More sexigesimal! Hooray!

F0
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Sexigesimal!!

f2
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There once was a cow named Piles H. Maloney. Who liked to stack plates on red parked cars. Now this cow didn't understand that butterflies like to eat green eggs and cows. So he decided to drop a line of orange penuts and forget them.Which caused major swelling of the profits of Microsoft. Leading to the release of Microsoft causing many people to eat their vegetables and parents.Now this catastrophic diet causes severe pain to the area where it releases them carrot's into a blender with five burgerkingmanager's which resulted in pure chaos.
Piles said, 'Shaft! Report' into his shoe' causing many people named Shaft to jump off a very small cliff causin piles to yell 'Shaft! Noooooo!' Resulting in a hernia for the duration of the bomb timer. Explosions made the world with great hesitation, vulnerable for space-muffin's causing us all to give unto the many leaders our undying gratitude. As we watch southpark christmas specials we all wonder why the hell cow's eat grass. Now we must speculate on the mother of Piles, daft she was, suffering from many emotional wounds. Widowed after a series of continuous defeats. She decided to do like the ones who had brought us FLCL and start performing stripteases dressed like something else entirely too fat to wear tangerine Speedos. To make matters even better, she decided to dance on her dead pile of monkeys. That was awesome. Her new act stunned many around the turtlemeat company, which specialises in turtlemeat, obviously. Managers are trying to steal her act and her thunder.
The turtlemeat company is going to hell in a horse and carriage driver's handbasket. Fraudulent charges were brought by a donkey that hates all extraterrestrial lifeforms, who, tried to use, unsuccesfully, with ease, a damn good interpretation of Piles. Then aliens attacked. Piles was horrified. Now we are entering into a new paragraph.
Without the insight of all the members of superjercom.webstation, where will this brave new paragraph lead us to.....
Of course! New Orleans! Where Piles had a hankering for some naughty name calling. Unexpectedly, his mom showed him that while he danced he had his fly honies all up
User
I think we need to form an official concensus:

Sealab 2021: Funny or not funny?

Each episode was 100% one or the other, I think. Also, there were only two episodes: The funny one and the unfunny one. Even the funny episode was only funny for so long...
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AC = Asherons Call = t3h MMORPG =
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There once was a cow named Piles H. Maloney. Who liked to stack plates on red parked cars. Now this cow didn't understand that butterflies like to eat green eggs and cows. So he decided to drop a line of orange penuts and forget them.Which caused major swelling of the profits of Microsoft. Leading to the release of Microsoft causing many people to eat their vegetables and parents.Now this catastrophic diet causes severe pain to the area where it releases them carrot's into a blender with five burgerkingmanager's which resulted in pure chaos.
Piles said, 'Shaft! Report' into his shoe' causing many people named Shaft to jump off a very small cliff causin piles to yell 'Shaft! Noooooo!' Resulting in a hernia for the duration of the bomb timer. Explosions made the world with great hesitation, vulnerable for space-muffin's causing us all to give unto the many leaders our undying gratitude. As we watch southpark christmas specials we all wonder why the hell cow's eat grass. Now we must speculate on the mother of Piles, daft she was, suffering from many emotional wounds. Widowed after a series of continuous defeats. She decided to do like the ones who had brought us FLCL and start performing stripteases dressed like something else entirely too fat to wear tangerine Speedos. To make matters even better, she decided to dance on her dead pile of monkeys. That was awesome. Her new act stunned many around the turtlemeat company, which specialises in turtlemeat, obviously. Managers are trying to steal her act and her thunder.
The turtlemeat company is going to hell in a horse and carriage driver's handbasket. Fraudulent charges were brought by a donkey that hates all extraterrestrial lifeforms, who, tried to use, unsuccesfully, with ease, a damn good interpretation of Piles. Then aliens attacked. Piles was horrified. Now we are entering into a new paragraph.
Without the insight of all the members of superjercom.webstation, where will this brave new paragraph
Truck
User
There once was a cow named Piles H. Maloney. Who liked to stack plates on red parked cars. Now this cow didn't understand that butterflies like to eat green eggs and cows. So he decided to drop a line of orange penuts and forget them.Which caused major swelling of the profits of Microsoft. Leading to the release of Microsoft causing many people to eat their vegetables and parents.Now this catastrophic diet causes severe pain to the area where it releases them carrot's into a blender with five burgerkingmanager's which resulted in pure chaos.
Piles said, 'Shaft! Report' into his shoe' causing many people named Shaft to jump off a very small cliff causin piles to yell 'Shaft! Noooooo!' Resulting in a hernia for the duration of the bomb timer. Explosions made the world with great hesitation, vulnerable for space-muffin's causing us all to give unto the many leaders our undying gratitude. As we watch southpark christmas specials we all wonder why the hell cow's eat grass. Now we must speculate on the mother of Piles, daft she was, suffering from many emotional wounds. Widowed after a series of continuous defeats. She decided to do like the ones who had brought us FLCL and start performing stripteases dressed like something else entirely too fat to wear tangerine Speedos. To make matters even better, she decided to dance on her dead pile of monkeys. That was awesome. Her new act stunned many around the turtlemeat company, which specialises in turtlemeat, obviously. Managers are trying to steal her act and her thunder.
The turtlemeat company is going to hell in a horse and carriage driver's handbasket. Fraudulent charges were brought by a donkey that hates all extraterrestrial lifeforms, who, tried to use, unsuccesfully, with ease, a damn good interpretation of Piles. Then aliens attacked. Piles was horrified. Now we are entering into a new paragraph.
Without the insight of all the members of superjercom.webstation
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*special extravagant admin notice*

Fast attack badger is a reference to the defining event of Superjercom.forum-board.webcast Mk. I, back before the first time those jerks at oktagone lost all Superjer's stuff.

JMD and ribbon were in an epic battle to determine the fait of fast attack badger, haiku style.

http://www.superjer.com/nezumi/badger.doc

Old school, yo.
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Kerry was... an enormous fuckup.
At least there was no post election Florida-style drama this time.

Those of us who live in washington state may know that Dino Rossi (the looser in the not-so-recent race for governor) is STILL trying to sue to become governor.
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Did we get 'em?
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You should build a warehouse. Make sure to include girders.
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Pseudo-originally (once we started talking about spades, that is) the cherries were to be the manifestation of the points JMD gave/took and were to be utterly meaningless.
That is, he would be taking peoples cherries.
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Space Ghost CTC >> all other things man has created


Space Ghost: Our next guest is Matt Brenner.

Moltar: Uh, no, he exploded in the airlock.

Zorak: hehehe. Really? I thought those were beets. Mashed beets.

Space Ghost: Well bring out the next guest.

Zorak: I was trackn' him all over the station...

---------------------------------------------------

Space Ghost: What kit?!

--------------------------------------------------

Random Colonial Guy: "Oh hello! I didn't see you there. I was busy reading my colonial book!

(Raaarugh!)

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...and the all time great....

Space Ghost: "Hang on Zorak!"

*waiting*

-----------------------------------------------------

Ah... Times. Old school wiliams street :P.
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I hate Bush.
The Iraq war was probably a good thing though, because it resulted in the net loss of a Saddam Hussein in power.

Everything else Bush has done has sucked a lot though, to put it in technical terms, with one exception that involves stances on abortions.

As much as I hated Kerry, he wasn't bush (and that is something). I guess that's moot now.

Speaking of moot, I sure wish we had an Al Gore back in the last election. He may have been a robot, but he was a robot that would have made a fine president. Inside his cold steel chest beat the cold steel heart of someone who seemed to be pretty good at not making an ass of himself. This is a trait that several of our last presidential candidates seem to lack.
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If you want to know how to do spawning like this in the source engine it's a bit different (because there's no trigger_changetargets).

In awp_snowsk337 for source I was forced to make the spawning random. That is, instead of alternating between being a shooter and being a skeet, each team is one or the other, randomly.

The randomness was accomplished by a logic_case entity, which can be set to fire a random one of it's cases.

The rest of the spawning was done by enabling/disabling teleporters (which was not possible in HL1 engine counterstrike).

For example, if the logic_case happens to randomly pick case1, then the 'oncase1' output is fired. I have the logic case set up to enable the teleporters that send the CTs to the shooter house, and the Ts to the skeet launcher. If the logic case thingy picks case2, then it fires it's oncase2 output, and enables the teleporters that send the Ts to the shooter house and the CTs to the launcher.

Actually, the spawning happens in several phases. Everyone spawns, and the case picks either case1 or case2. From their initial spawn point (which is a small unlit chamer, so you can't see anything) they are teleported to another unlit chamber. Once there, everyone on both teams are stripped of their weapons. The people on the team destined to be shooters are given awps, and the team going to the launcher are given knives. Once everyone has their weapons, they are teleported again to either the launcher of the shooting house. This second teleport doesn't require any logic, because the teams are already separated into skeets and shooters. As soon as they enter the weapon stripping/giving chamberf a teleporter is activated after a delay.
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I'm sorry, no Mr. Yellow, that's a xenomorph face hugger (from aliens).

As for superjer, I'm betting that Ribbon will have to be the one to draw him.
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Ug_man is once again a banana. Some semblance of normality has been restored.
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the CSS one has AWP_SNOWSK337 ON IT! Yea!!

I already made a new firetruck about that though.

Oh, and I guess I'm an admin too, but not to ban people or help out or do anything usefull, but just to switch the map to snowsk337 occasionally.
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Tuh duh!!

Here it is. It is new and shiny. You should enjoy it as often as you can.

Download the map here:

http://www.superjer.com/nezumi/awp_snowsk337.zip

View this picture which is also enjoyable and shiny:



Please post responses.

lovz