2005 Mar 21 • 4667
I had a dream last night. In it, I was a mob hitman. I was a cold-blooded killer in a highly organized mafia that had a firm grip on the city I lived in. The mafia was notoriously more powerful than the police, did not hesitate to kill anyone who crossed them... and were strangely honest, fair and straightforward about it. Essentially there were three fatally important rules: You don't rat out the mob, you don't steal from the mob, and you don't attack anyone in the mob.
I had many homicidal encounters, one notable one in which I was only supposed to shoot one woman for informing the police about our activities. I almost couldn't believe it when I was told about it, as she had supposedly called the cops after seeing a few mobsters get rough with a businessman that wasn't paying his protection money. She practically commit suicide by ratting us out, and for something the police probably wouldn't even act on!
Once at her house, I got in quick and I shot her in the back. She never saw it coming, all was well... until her husband came home right as I was leaving. Upon seeing my car in the driveway, a dead-giveaway mobster town car, he already knew his wife was dead, and he was frantically calling the police. I was all, "Ah, come on! Whaddya gotta call the cops for, that's what did your wife in! Now I gotta shoot you too! I can't believe how stupid that was! I'm standing right here! With a gun!"
So I did kill him, although it was really more of a suicide. He was, however, coming home from the grocery store, and his daughter had been collecting comestibles from their SUV. Unfortunately for both of us, she decided to steal my car while I was busy phoning my bosses about things getting more complicated. I had left the car running with the keys in the ignition for a quick get away, but it had backfired on me fiercely. Since I had the dad's keys, I jumped in the SUV to chase her down and get back my boss's car. I knew there was barely any gas in my car, because I had been stupid and forgot to fill it up, so it was only a couple of miles before I caught up to her frantically trying to refuel at a gas station. Strictly following the rules would mean I'd have to shoot her too, since she stole the car, even though she had heard me yelling that all her dad had to do was 'nothing' if he didn't want to get shot. So I started yelling at her that all she had to do was 'nothing' if she didn't want to get shot, but I also wasn't quite cold-blooded enough to shoot a kid without hesitation.
I started telling her that I was going to try to get special dispensation from the bosses to let her off the hook, when, unfortunately for all three of us, two cops came to a stop at the gas station in their cruiser. The girl, obviously in a panic, got their attention whether she wanted to or not, and I had to quickly react and shoot both of the officers as well, as this wasn't going to go down any other way that didn't get me killed or imprisoned. At this point there was enough evidence splattered around the place from all four of us bleeding for various reasons that I decided I needed to do a quick clean-up job. Luckily, someone always kept a quantity of plastic explosives in the trunk of the car, so I decided to blow up the entire gas station... I didn't actually check to see if there was an attendant present, so I may have unintentionally killed even one more person. The girl, after both trying to run away and also use her phone (like seriously, why does everyone keep giving me reasons to shoot them!?) had annoyed me enough that I decided to replace the explosives in the trunk with her sans electronic communication devices. I drove away and set off the bomb, turning the whole scene into a crater, and the bodies of the officers into seared particulates.
The headquarters was a very lavish office building with heavily armed and well dressed guards standing in plain view of the woebegone police. I dragged the now exhausted, timid, and thankfully compliant girl up to see the most important wiseguy I could find. The don was out, but the consigliere was in, and that was good enough for me. I told him how crazy the simple whack job got, and how the girl only 'temporarily' borrowed my ride, so maybe I could just... not shoot her... if that would be okay? After silently staring at me during my long tale of adventure he suddenly looked very pleased. He told me he was surprised that I took initiative all the times I should, and that I came to him about the girl. I didn't even need to beg, he demanded I let the girl go immediately. According to him, icing a kid is bad for the public image, and not worth the minuscule chance she'd get us all pinched.
At this point I had time to think about what had happened, and I realized I'd unnecessarily blown up the girl's parent's SUV along with the gas station. It was almost brand new, and I didn't want nobody calling me cheap or irresponsible, so I gave her thirty large as the approximate value of the vehicle. Mind you, in my head this was just being an honest man, and the 'recently having killed her parents' didn't even factor into it. I told the girl she better suppress her family gene for committing suicide on the mob, and also told her if she wanted to come looking for vengeance it would be nice if she waited a few years until she was an adult, so that when I whacked her it wouldn't make me look like a son of a bitch.
Later on, I had a very interesting, if not incredibly frustrating conversation with a couple wiseguys. The mob suspected an associate of being up to something, we didn't know what, but we were looking into it. The twit had been sweating and twitching like crazy the last time a capo started talking to him, and he seemed like he was trying to avoid us altogether. So the three of us had a few words with him at his place of residence. We told him to stay home, not let anybody in, and not touch the phone. It was part keeping him from going on the lam while we checked out what he'd been up to, and part to see if he'd make a run for it, giving us no reason to doubt his ambiguous treachery.
We holed up in the attic of the house across the street with a high-tech x-ray scope sniper rifle, so we could shoot him as soon as he did what we expected him to, or we got called about him being a rat... or a thief... or whatever the hell he did. Now, these two jokers were made men, they had nothing to worry about. Even if they screwed the gig up they'd get a slap on the wrist a worst... but I wasn't made yet, even as hard as I was trying, so I had a vested interest in not cocking anything up. Seeing as these two had only begrudgingly agreed to be part of something as lowly as keeping an eye on possible rat, they weren't taking it very seriously. While we should have been quiet and attentive, we instead had an incredibly insipid conversation, it went something like this:
Me: "Alright, alright, so Vinnie, you're here to shoot the rifle, and I'm here to keep an eye out for trouble, but what's he doin' here?"
Vincent: "I'm not Vinnie you goof, dats Vinnie."
Me: "You're messing with me, the boss called you Vinnie not twenty minutes ago."
Vinnie: "Nah, we call me Vinnie, we call him Vincent."
Me: "Wait, you're both Vinnie?"
Vincent: "You got it all wrong, he's Vinnie, I'm Vincent.
Me: (Pointing at Vincent) But the boss called you Vinnie, I did not get you two confused. (pointing at Vinnie) You weren't even there!"
Vincent: "Yeah, so what?"
Me: "So what? So you're Vinnie too!"
Vincent: "What, you mean I shoulda corrected the boss? Forget about it!"
Me: "Well why's he gotta send both of you on the same job? Two guys he calls Vinnie? It's like a liability or somethin', gonna get the wires crossed!"
Vinnie: "The boss didn't send me, he doesn't even know I'm here."
Me: (exasperated) "Well then let's get back on track, whaddya doin' here, Vinnie?"
Vincent: "He owed me a favor, this rat could take hours to do somethin' stupid, and given the experience so far, I'd probably end up shooting myself before I shot him if I had to shoot the shit with your stupid ass the whole time."
Me: "Hey, if I knew this gig was a plus one I woulda brought a date, not some fat asshole, nothin' personal Vinnie."
Vinnie: "Hey! You want me to whack you or somethin'?"
Vincent: "C'mon Vinnie, you are a fat asshole, give the kid a break."
Vinnie: "Ah, forget about it!"
Me: "Hey, not to dampen this mood we got goin', but I've seen our rat walk by the window like half a dozen times while you been lookin' back at me. You gonna actually keep an eye on him or should I hold the rifle?"
Vincent: "Nobody touches this beauty but me. Not yet, I haven't even given her a name yet, and she's still a virgin!"
Me: "Alright, I won't touch your lady-friend, just keep your eyes on her or she's gonna get jealous."
Vinnie: (suddenly and very disbelieving) "I wasn't payin' attention, did you say Theresa's a virgin?"
Vincent: "Nah, the rifle not my girl."
Vinnie: "Ah, I was gonna ask you why she was wailing like banshee if you weren't, you know..."
Vincent: "Shut the hell up, Vinnie."
Vinnie: "Yeah, yeah."
Me: "Come on, you were lookin' through that scope for a total of six and a half seconds before you turned around and started jabbering to Vinnie again."
Vincent: (turning back to look through the scope) "Sorry, mom."
Me: "He get away yet?"
Vincent: "Nah, he's still scurrying about like a rat in a maze. I wish he'd sit still so I could shoot him more easy. Wait, you think he knows I'm up here, that we're gonna find somethin' out?"
Vinnie: "He'd have to be a real top-notch goof not to think we're watchin' his stupid ass."
Me: "Which makes him nervous, he's just nervous, a nervous guy is gonna pace whether or not he's a canary. Just keep an eye on him or he'll fly away!"
A minute goes by with Vincent actually watching the rat.
Vinnie: "I'm glad I had two cups a coffee before you picked me up."
Vincent: "Tell me about it, I'd fall right out the window if I'd skipped my fix."
Vincent has turned around again, I am glaring rancorously to no effect.
Vinnie: "Nothin' wakes you up like a black cuppa joe."
Vincent: "Black? Whaddya wanna knock yourself back out? You gotta make it smooth and sweet, somethin' to relax the hangover."
Vinnie: "Aw, come on, that's a woman's drink, don't tell me you drink it like that."
Vincent: "With two creams and two sugars or I'll go wild."
Vinnie: "You ain't kiddin'! I can hardly believe it, you iced more marks than I can count to and you drink it like that?"
Vincent: "Whassat gotta do with it? You're the nut job, drinkin' that swill, why dontcha just chew on the beans at that rate?
Vinnie: "Rather that then grow a pair of tits drinkin' what you drink."
Vincent: "You see, he's right, you are a fat asshole!"
Vinnie: "Well, maybe your new boyfriend can take you on a date when you've dolled yourself up with your lady drink."
Vincent: "You got bigger tits than Theresa, Vinnie, you're the one drinking the wrong kinda joe."
I cut Vinnie off before he can retort.
Me: "Oh my god, stop talking about tits or coffee or whatever and watch the fucking rat."
Vincent: "Hey, this is deep, we gotta figure this out."
Me: "We're gonna be deep underground if you let him get away."
Vinnie: "Nah, just you, we're made, we'll just say you messed it up."
Me: "Oh, that's just great, why don't you just shoot me now?!"
Vinnie: "I'm pullin' your leg! We wouldn't do that. Probably. Besides, he's not goin' nowhere, he's too busy stomping a track into his kitchen floor."
Me: "That'll be great comfort when the boss has my thumbs broken."
Vincent: "Stop changing the subject, new guy, you gotta break the tie."
Vinnie: "Yeah, it's gotta be black, right?"
Me: "Man I hardly even drink coffee, I don't fuckin' know."
Vinnie & Vincent: "What?!"
Vinnie: "This guy doesn't drink coffee? Where'd you find this asshole, Vinnie?!"
Me: "HEY! You just called him Vinnie! I knew it!"
Vinnie: "Wha- no I- you had me confused, you don't drink coffee, the hell is wrong with you?!"
Me: "It's just a drink, don't get so worked up about it."
Vinnie: "Ah, forget about it!"
Vincent: "Yeah, we'll have to ask the don, he'll set it straight, whaddya care what this cugine thinks, anyway?"
Vinnie: "Alright, alright, but I got another question."
Me: "I'm sure you do, Vincent, the rat, the rifle, at least pretend you give a shit!"
Vincent: (Turning back around to check on the rat again) "Ah, he's still there."
Me: "You sure?"
Vincent: "No, where the hell did he go?"
Vincent: "Haha, gotcha!"
Vinnie and Vincent have a good long guffaw.
Me: "Remind me to knock out a few of your teeth when they confirm me, wiseguy."
Vincent: "You're welcome to try, if you want a free trip to the hospital."
Vinnie: "Damn it, I said I had another question, I'm gonna forget it!"
Vincent: "Alright, what?"
Vinnie: "So, you gotta think about this. But if you had to pick one, and one to be gone foreva, coffee or tea?"
Vincent: "What kind of a stupid ass ques-"
Vinnie: "No, no, no! You gotta look at the big picture, I ain't talkin' about you and me, I'm talkin' about the whole world."
Vincent: "That's still a stupid ass question, Vinnie, Tea can take a hike, everybody drinks coffee every day!"
Vinnie: "Sure, sure, here in America, but I said the whole world, Vince, you gotta really think about it!"
Vincent: "Alright, I thought about it, and you're an idiot."
Vinnie: "You know how many people need tea like we need coffee! Fuckin' China and the Brits, that's gotta be half the world!"
Vincent: "China and England aren't half the world, Vinnie.
Vinnie: "I was givin' an example or somethin', gimmie a break. But you gotta admit, those Brits would be jumpin' off Big Ben by the millions if they lose their tea. S'why I'm sayin' you gotta really think about."
Vincent: "Where do you come up with this shit? Alright, new guy, coffee is more important than tea. Vinnie's an idiot, right?
Me: "Look, I told you I don't even drink coffee."
Vincent whips around, rifle and all.
Vincent: "You're siding with this son of a bitch?!"
Me: "Whoa! I'm not siding with nobody, I just don't give a shit, Vince, point that thing somewhere else!"
Vincent: "Nah, I'm just messin' with you again!"
Vinnie and Vincent have another hearty guffaw.
Me: "For the love of baby Jesus, could you quit yappin' and keep an eye on the rat for more than ten seconds?!"
Vincent: "Nah, it doesn't matta."
Vincent: "The boss texted me five minutes ago, he's no rat, he's just nervous."
Me: "Then what have we been doin' here?!"
Vincent: "Talkin' about coffee and tits and shit, whaddya think?"
Vinnie: "Yeah, we gotta figure this stuff out, it can't be all about whackin' a rat."
Me: "Can I go back to having a shootout with the cops? At least then I knew what the hell was going on."
Vinnie: "You had a shootout with the cops?"
Vincent: "And he blew up a gas station."
Vinnie: "That was you?!"
Me: "Yeah, no big deal, there was blood, bullets and bodies everywhere, I didn't have time to clean it the slow way, so I just made a crater out of it.
Vinnie: "Damn it, I stop at that place for coffee! Why you gotta mess things up? I oughta pop you one!"
Me: "You're not serious."
Vincent: "He's catching on, Vinnie, I think we need a new mark."
Me: "Hey, don't get me wrong, you had me those other times, most people can't pull one over on me like that."
Vincent: "I think we just got a compliment from Mr. by-the-books here, look out the window, are pigs flyin'?
Vinnie: "Nah, just canaries."
Me: "Oh, shut up."