SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions: 3rd Strike

SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions: 3rd Strike

General — Page 1 2 3 ... 23 24 25 [26] 27 28
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4715
1,227 ₧
Getting trapped in an elevator
v

I couldn’t sleep. I’m too anxious about getting trapped in an elevator tomorrow.
Amtrak officials confirm getting trapped in an elevator would have prevented train derailment.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of getting trapped in an elevator came on the screen.
See now black people walk like wetness. But white people -- white people walk like they’re getting trapped in an elevator!
You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were getting trapped in an elevator.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “getting trapped in an elevator”.

 
 
Jul 21 at 09:46 PDT — Ed. Jul 21 at 09:46 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
My whole authentic self
n

I got into my car and sat on my whole authentic self. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate my whole authentic self.
It’s time to scrape the remains of my whole authentic self off the driveway.
For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood my whole authentic self.
Great job on the proposal for shotgunning, Dave! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you my whole authentic self.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had my whole authentic self removed so he could be spraying up the wall.

 
 
Jul 21 at 18:51 PDT — Ed. Jul 21 at 18:54 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
Being really spooky
v

I’m being really spooky for Jesus.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw being really spooky for the first time!
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: NORTH KOREA being really spooky!
Doctor! My child has being really spooky coursing through his veins!
I chipped my tooth on a life preserver. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t being really spooky.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Being really spooky can increase your breast size in three weeks!



Being kinda spooky
v

Ich bin ein being kinda spooky.
I can tell my mom’s car because of the bumper sticker: Proud Mom of Being Kinda Spooky.
We couldn’t land because of black votes caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like being kinda spooky.
I called 911 because my sister wouldn’t stop being kinda spooky.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be being kinda spooky while I’m taking a flying leap!
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s being kinda spooky.

 
 
Jul 21 at 19:41 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
Drowning in the toilet
v

Last time I went in a rest stop bathroom there were some guys in there drowning in the toilet. Gross.
A billboard on my way home had a picture of divorce papers and the words “drowning in the toilet”. I don’t get it!
The White House will no longer enforce The Drowning in the Toilet Act of 1959. Thank God.
Slender and muscled, like a dust bunny. She was the spitting image of drowning in the toilet.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember drowning in the toilet?”
You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were drowning in the toilet.

 
 
Jul 21 at 21:10 PDT — Ed. Jul 22 at 00:52 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
An expedient conveyor belt
n

They didn’t have an expedient conveyor belt at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed mostly unused hypodermics.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by an expedient conveyor belt around the building.
Dude! Her dress was so sheer I could see an expedient conveyor belt!
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “an expedient conveyor belt” incident in the science lab.
It’s time to scrape the remains of an expedient conveyor belt off the driveway.
Today I bought an expedient conveyor belt from the back of a van. They also threw in a raisin or maybe rabbit poop, which I didn’t even think was legal.

 
 
Jul 22 at 00:53 PDT — Ed. Jul 22 at 00:54 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4715
1,227 ₧
Whatever they want
nc

When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add whatever they want to the pan, while stirring constantly.
A salesman came to the door selling grandma’s soggy diaper. I didn’t open. He slid whatever they want under the door.
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all whatever they want when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to whatever they want.
Thanks for whatever they want last night. *wink* *wink*
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a foul odor spice, whatever they want spice, and a pubic tuft spice!



Whatever I want
nc

Dude! Her dress was so sheer I could see whatever I want!
The FBI is at the door. I think they're here because of... you know... whatever I want.
Although moving away from our own biological child proved effective for schools, the switch to whatever I want initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Another man, whatever I want and just not much food.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of white boys and a Fedex full of whatever I want.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock whatever I want and a dollar in a room and let ‘em fight it out.

 
 
Jul 22 at 17:20 PDT — Ed. Jul 22 at 17:22 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 668
175 ₧
An entire boy of questionable cleanliness
n

Let’s wait for a heroin-caked frying pan locked in a safe to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get an entire boy of questionable cleanliness.
Help! I’m an entire boy of questionable cleanliness and I need YOU to do something about it!
The survey team detected an entire boy of questionable cleanliness at the work site so I threw REEEEEEEEEEE​EEEEEEEEEEEE​EEEEEEEEEEEE​EEEEEEEEEET in my truck and drove straight there.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for an entire boy of questionable cleanliness
Kim Jong-un’s Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for an entire boy of questionable cleanliness.
Don't you hate when you see an entire boy of questionable cleanliness in the carpool lane?



(Thanks to Cinemasins's's Willy Wonka episode)
 
 
Jul 23 at 17:09 PDT — Ed. Jul 23 at 17:10 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4715
1,227 ₧
Kielbasa I had yesterday
nc

Interested in my services? Mail me at: space-nazis@kielbasa-i-had-yesterday.biz
On Ebay you can get kielbasa I had yesterday but it may be counterfeit.
Imagine kielbasa I had yesterday, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.
Meet me by that sculpture downtown. You know, it’s a protective membrane balanced on kielbasa I had yesterday.
If I had kielbasa I had yesterday, you’d be a yappy little dog!
Jeez! Who slipped kielbasa I had yesterday in your Cheerios™ this morning?

 
 
Jul 24 at 08:36 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4715
1,227 ₧
Long strips of human meat
np

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, unrestrained passion, sloth, wrath, long strips of human meat, and pride.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Long Strips of Human Meat Co., tapping into the growing market for boiling water.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into long strips of human meat, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start Winona Ryder’s leather jacket.
Back in my day, we only had a child with emotional issues for long strips of human meat and we LIKED IT.
I was surprised to find bones in long strips of human meat. Is that normal?
There’s always time for long strips of human meat before breakfast.

 
 
Jul 24 at 22:39 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 668
175 ₧
Testin' a few variations:

A f*** flavored Dorito
n

In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a f*** flavored Dorito sticking to the wall.
No thanks. My doctor said a f*** flavored Dorito makes defecation painful.
My publisher demanded I remove a f*** flavored Dorito from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like my sexy fox costume and is carrying a f*** flavored Dorito.
The city council wants to cut down on a f*** flavored Dorito. Meanwhile people are freely vibrating my pineal gland!
Scorpions can shed a f*** flavored Dorito in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.



A bag of f*** flavored Doritos
n

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with a bag of f*** flavored Doritos in his lap.
I’ve finally got the last of a bag of f*** flavored Doritos out of turning tricks on the street corner.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
The weirdest thing about a bag of f*** flavored Doritos is that sometimes even girls have a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out a bag of f*** flavored Doritos each day, put apocalyptic machinery, just mowing us all down in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.



Eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos
v

Slender and muscled, like allergies. She was the spitting image of eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
My girlfriend kicked my skin, and now she’s eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit all our faces and acquire eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos!
Great job on the proposal for eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos, Dave! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you John Travolta crying, as a woman.

 
 
Jul 26 at 00:11 PDT — Ed. Jul 26 at 00:12 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 668
175 ₧
Zesty seasoning salt
nc

To change kitty’s litter: grab zesty seasoning salt, dig out any clumps, and refill with mistreating the clitoris.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into zesty seasoning salt and stopped.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about zesty seasoning salt.
It’s not delivery. It’s zesty seasoning salt.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be inactivity and poor health while I’m zesty seasoning salt!
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing zesty seasoning salt, since we’re so good at it.

 
 
Jul 26 at 00:14 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
Being bad in a previous life
v

But I promised I would get my kids being bad in a previous life for Christmas!
Greed, Secrets, Poison and Murder is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by being bad in a previous life.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Power of Attorney Co., tapping into the growing market for being bad in a previous life.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s being bad in a previous life, with mostly unused hypodermics around the edges, and a coming horrific hell on top.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Being bad in a previous life can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Those hoodlums graffitied being bad in a previous life on my mailbox again.

 
 
Jul 27 at 11:30 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
Grandpa’s smithereens
np

I can’t believe you forced my mom into grandpa’s smithereens! She’s 62!
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around grandpa’s smithereens on the freeway.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to grandpa’s smithereens.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend grandpa’s smithereens.
I was so surprised to see females with four teats that grandpa’s smithereens fell out of my mouth.
Grandpa’s smithereens is the only way to say goodbye.

 
 
Jul 27 at 13:02 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
Teen slang alert: If you hear “ ” your teen may be huffing dangerous fumes.

Teen slang alert: If you hear “evading capture” your teen may be huffing dangerous fumes.
Teen slang alert: If you hear “hookers in the trunk” your teen may be huffing dangerous fumes.
Teen slang alert: If you hear “a dog head” your teen may be huffing dangerous fumes.
Teen slang alert: If you hear “wrestling alligators” your teen may be huffing dangerous fumes.
Teen slang alert: If you hear “the next time” your teen may be huffing dangerous fumes.
Teen slang alert: If you hear “creeping upstairs” your teen may be huffing dangerous fumes.

 
 
Jul 27 at 13:03 PDT — Ed. Jul 27 at 13:11 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
A hole
n

The water tower looks like it’s a hole from this angle.
The a hole story is a hoax! Just an excuse by my vaginal microbiome for being hit by space debris!
After a truck ran over a hole there was so much damage you couldn’t tell it apart from all the time.
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: a hole removing a uterine tumor with my teeth!
During my driving test, I backed my car into a hole. I still got an 85!
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a hole.

 
 
Jul 27 at 14:43 PDT — Ed. Jul 27 at 14:44 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
Finger-blasting
vt

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was finger-blasting.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw finger-blasting flavor and then an odd number of titties flavor.
This land is inspecting the poo land, this land is finger-blasting land.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk finger-blasting.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Finger-blasting.
I didn’t mean to start finger-blasting, it just happened!

 
 
Jul 27 at 15:25 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
Getting hog tied (non-sexually)
v

The only thing standing in your way is getting hog tied (non-sexually).
Amtrak officials confirm getting hog tied (non-sexually) would have prevented train derailment.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of getting hog tied (non-sexually).
In this 15th century painting, getting hog tied (non-sexually) is represented by a man with the royal baby for a head.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Getting Hog Tied (non-sexually)!
Make sure to hang cinderblock justice in a tree so getting hog tied (non-sexually) leaves your tent alone.

 
 
Jul 27 at 15:26 PDT — Ed. Jul 27 at 15:26 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4715
1,227 ₧
Your still-living flesh
n

I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for your still-living flesh
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “More Dishonesty” and it helps me with your still-living flesh.
When I was a kid I used to take your still-living flesh into the bathroom with me.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at your still-living flesh and my card appeared in bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton!
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found your still-living flesh sticking to the wall.
Although moving away from a deathbed proved effective for schools, the switch to your still-living flesh initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.

 
 
Jul 27 at 19:22 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4715
1,227 ₧
Older men with an enlarged prostate
np

Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk older men with an enlarged prostate.
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: older men with an enlarged prostate being an overweight bitch!
I’m getting older men with an enlarged prostate installed in my car, so I can be a thought while I drive.
Slender and muscled, like mammaries. She was the spitting image of older men with an enlarged prostate.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around older men with an enlarged prostate on the freeway.
At Boeing R&D, we test older men with an enlarged prostate by subjecting it to sex and extreme heat.

 
 
Jul 28 at 07:17 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
Something that's not *my* fault
n

The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and something that's not *my* fault.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still something that's not *my* fault!
In this 15th century painting, something that's not *my* fault is represented by a man with NAMBLA for a head.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with something that's not *my* fault.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Something That's Not *my* Fault”! I shook his hand and it felt like something that's not *my* fault.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like something that's not *my* fault and is carrying a respected neurosurgeon.

 
 
Jul 28 at 12:32 PDT — Ed. Jul 28 at 12:35 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
One mosquito proboscis
n

The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of insane shoes, ginger beer, and a squeeze of a deflating balloon. Serve in one mosquito proboscis.
No thanks. My doctor said one mosquito proboscis makes defecation painful.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to one mosquito proboscis, even before I put on my clothes.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from the Hell pits, and the eco-glass windows trap in one mosquito proboscis.
There’s one mosquito proboscis convention going on and everybody is falling into boiling water.
The survey team detected fanny pack full of ground beef at the work site so I threw one mosquito proboscis in my truck and drove straight there.

 
 
Jul 28 at 12:36 PDT — Ed. Jul 28 at 12:38 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
The cat got the zoomies and ran full-speed up  {n}.

The cat got the zoomies and ran full-speed up a real butt-toucher.
The cat got the zoomies and ran full-speed up a little sarin gas.
The cat got the zoomies and ran full-speed up some seriously fucked shit.
The cat got the zoomies and ran full-speed up a stolen Army helicopter.
The cat got the zoomies and ran full-speed up two F-bombs.
The cat got the zoomies and ran full-speed up a little crack.

 
 
Jul 29 at 13:03 PDT — Ed. Jul 29 at 13:05 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
A cat with the zoomies
n

My brother thought he was SO funny when he took a cat with the zoomies from the freezer and put it down the back of my shirt.
I will do anything for a cat with the zoomies. But I won’t do that!
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start just falling out of my bung hole before a cat with the zoomies.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with a cat with the zoomies in his lap.
This land is a cat with the zoomies land, this land is the caboose of a mantrain land.
My pharmacist separated a cat with the zoomies into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a sex-addicted panda.

 
 
Jul 29 at 13:05 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
Geraldo shouting
n

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for Geraldo shouting?
No thanks. My doctor said Geraldo shouting makes defecation painful.
At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like Geraldo shouting and can be used for being maimed in foreign lands.
This workplace has gone (0) days without Geraldo shouting.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for Geraldo shouting.
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about Geraldo shouting.

 
 
Jul 29 at 13:12 PDT — Ed. Jul 29 at 13:14 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6392
My master plan
nc

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with my master plan.
Go, go, Gadget My Master Plan!
I pushed hard enough to snap a Vietnamese landmine, but some powerful kind of my master plan was blocking the door.
After Lincoln was shot, my master plan briefly became the next president.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for my master plan.
Can I get some floss? There’s my master plan between my teeth.

 
 
Jul 29 at 14:13 PDT — Ed. Jul 30 at 13:14 PDT
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