6th Annual Pole Socking / Storm Chasing Olympium.

Elenkos
News Reporter

2006 Apr 21 • 16
21 ₧

[End Commercial Break>> -00:01 minutes]

Hello and Welcome to the 6th Annual Pole Socking / Storm Chasing Olympium.
I’m your hostess, special Superjer.com correspondent Elenkos, bringing you coverage from the games.

For those of you just now joining us, we will recap the past events that have taken place in Arena-1.

Earlier today crowds met in Dangerjer Stadium, a giant semi-circular amphitheatre built near the specialy constructed township of Ajax, Texas. The stadium resides on the sideline north facing 50-yard line of Arena-1, an arbitrarily marked 60-20 mile no-fly zone deep in Texas’ tornado panhandle.

As you know, the pre-game setup has been underway for over a week here at Arena-1.
(Click for image)

And as to be expected, turnouts numbered almost a million spectators.
There where many activities to keep spectators occupied while officials smoothed out any last minute hassles.

Visitors where entertained by Red and Blue team mascots, Luigi Vincent (Right) and Tom Willenson (Left) and their high-octane antics.


The ever peppy Gus Terdgenson, veteran pole socker and storm chaser, showed off his modified 1970 Volkswagen Van Samba, dubbed the “Mario Kuhn”, while answer questions about the competition to lucky spectators.
(Click for image)

The exalted Superjer himself oversaw the pre-game administrative duties, personally checking contestants’ vehicles to make sure they had regulation pyrotechnics.
(Click for image)

A special pre-game show was put on by the US Air Force “Thunder Birds”, but their demonstration was quickly brought to an abrupt end by the unexpected presence of the US navy “Blue Angels”.


Tragically, Thunderbird leader Captain Rick Dickenbocker couldn’t handle such showboating, and immediately preformed a LA-NO above the discount parking.


That evening, as following tradition, Zarathustra, President of the Organizing Committee, took to the stage and addressed the assembled masses.

“Ladies and Gentlemen; In the name of all the judges and officials, I promise that I shall officiate in these Games with complete impartiality, respecting and abiding by the rules which govern them, in the true spirit of sportsmanship.”

With that, Zarathustra threw his Arms wide and proclaimed:

“I hereby declare open the 6th Annual Pole Socking / Storm Chasing Olympium, celebrating the Olympiad of the modern era now.”

This utterance was followed with the symbolic release of 500 spotted owls to invoke the thrice blessing of Athena. Fireworks and applauds followed for several minutes afterwards, as the parade of the participants and flag bearers took to the fieldm making a semicircle around the rostrum.

Blue Team presented an air of confidence on the staging ground.


Likewise, Red Team stood presented a smart and savvy face to the audience.


Among those present where Blue Team leader, Ilor. By far the favorite today, two time winner, FauxChitzl, and veteran socker teh_camel, in his new Ford Pedrovia.

The game was quickly called into play when a supercell was detected forming over the playing field.


Ilor immediately spurred his team into battle, aiming to secure the quickly forming F4 tornado for strategic use.


However, despite Blue Teams early mobilization, the new leader of Red Team, Cammi Falls, quickly rallied her troops.


Dropping thumper buoys at the 50 yard line, Cammi then ordered her buggies into a pincer maneuver, while Ilor’s forces attempted to clasp their T.

Then, utilizing a Cryson Combat Maneuver (CCM), Cammi was able to lead a third squad up into the tornado, giving Red Team a shot at Blue Team’s unprotected poles.

It was at this time that Nomad Leader dburnell spurred his forces into the playing field, entering at the traditional 50-yard line.
(Click for image)

Entering the middle of the Red-Blue fray, Nomen 47 skillfully blindsided an unaware Red 22.
(Click for image)

Nomen 33 successfully boarded Red 2’s vehicle, using it as a seeping stone to board a Blue Team tanker truck heading to the tornado, costing Blue team a -5 point penalty.


However, # 04 Lord_Humungus started taking potshots at #09 Zetta-Gyro, claiming that his aerial dune buggy was in violation of Nomen clan honor.


While they where able to hinder of Ilor’s forces, the Nomads where however only moderately successful at halting Cammi’s advances. Sweaty hands slapped away, breasts escaped unharmed.

Cammi’s Flash Attack prompted a RED ALERT power play, with Red team in control of the field and the tornado with 15 sockings, 3 field goals, and 4 assists.
(Click for image)

The game was called when the tornado dissipated later that evening.
Final score: Red Team: 41, Blue Team: 6

Stay tuned for more details and more game coverage.

[Commercial Break>>2:32 minutes]

aaronjer
*****'n Admin


2005 Mar 21 • 1869
1,337 ₧

Thank you for that nearly flawless report, Elenkos. Coming up will be Mr. Ribbon with his State of the Union Address! It was a giant maze, and the perfect place to act like tards.

[User deleted]
•

RAWR!!

You motherfucking bitch! I'll kill you! Cammi Falls, when I find you I'll tear off so many of your limbs you'll be all like, "Hey! Where'd my friggin' limbs go?" in that ANNOYING nasally voice of yours! I swear, your writhing carcass will be so filled with corrosive agents you'll be GLAD when I put a bullet in your head!

Back to you, AtoJams.

aaronjer
*****'n Admin


2005 Mar 21 • 1869
1,337 ₧

Illustrated here is retired Red Team buggy driver Corporal Mikhail Kovalyuk demonstrating proper handling procedure of a light weight long mallet. The hammer is a circa 1890 design by ResonCo Industrial Mallet Manufacturing but is still in popular use by enthusiasts and scout class players alike.




Back to you, Elenkos. It was a giant maze, and the perfect place to act like tards.

Elenkos
News Reporter

2006 Apr 21 • 16
21 ₧

Thank you, AaronJer.

I’m standing here during halftime with Red Team leader, Cammi Falls, who has some pointed comments she’d like to make.

Ms. Falls.

Cammi Falls
Fuck you, Ribbon!

2006 Apr 24 • 26
21 ₧

Thanks Elenkos. I love the hair.

Ok. I have a whale bone to pick with Mr. Ribbon. Nasally voice? What the hell are you talking about?

Silly crack head. You can pump me full of whatever you can dream of, but I’ll still be here, coming back for more. Haven’t you learned this yet, you small man.

Speaking of small, I’d also like to take this moment to generally mock the diminutive size of your manhood.

Ha! I bet you regret all those sponge baths you made me give you, ass-hat!

There.

Thanks a ton, Elenkos. See ya at the salad bar later? Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Elenkos
News Reporter

2006 Apr 21 • 16
21 ₧

Uh, right.

Despite being half-time, events are still rapidly progressing toward WW4 features.

Apparently Mr. Ribbon, spurred by Ms. Falls’ comments, poured a vat of sulfuric acid on a nearby Red Team Tech.


At the same time, another one of Blue Team’s porta potties has exploded.


Never a dull moment here at DangerJer Stadium.

Well, we need to take a commercial break now, but stay tuned for more announcements.

aaronjer
*****'n Admin


2005 Mar 21 • 1869
1,337 ₧

Here's an amusing Snapshot of one of the Sport's oldest surviving members, the good Dr. Crytax taking a snooze on a primary Red Team helipad after a long flight. Years ago he retired from the sport at the peak of his career, and got himself a job managing team rosters for all the teams. This short-lived but affluent position earned him vast quantities of money due to a budgeting error on the side of the now disbanded Ministry of Pole-socking. After years in hiding, he has recently rejoined the league as a transport helicopter pilot for Red Team.



This picture gives a hearty laugh and a warm feeling to old and new players alike, especially those on Red Team, who know of Cryson's various antics. It was a giant maze, and the perfect place to act like tards.

Nezumi
Asshole Admin


2005 Mar 26 • 123
34 ₧

And here comes Bob Costas, official announcer for the games, to give us an update on the progress of our athletes.



"It's been an exciting first week of these games so far folks, with a surprise upset win in the pre-game fight between red's beaureaucracy team and blue's beaureaucracy team, with red springing a tripple sock at the last second to secure the win. In the early stages of the main game red has used the advantage their beaureaucrats earned to good advantage, with a quick string of low-grade socks. Although blue lagged behind initially, they've made up for it in the past few days with a number of solid socks made possible by a red team that's almost disappeared from the field.

Red team seems to be playing a more strategic game, as after the first day they seem to have sequestered themselves in their mountain fortress. Now my sources tell me that they are working on a secret high-grade weather changing device, hoping to create a more stable and controlled F5 tornado. In earlier interviews with Red's coaches and strategists they hinted at such a possibility, and in addition we've captured footage of heavy industrial equipment, possibly for the device or for a heavy duty F5 riding vehicle, being transported to Red's base before the match.

In any case, Blue team has pulled into a quick lead here at DangerJer stadium.

In the meantime, the Nomads have been highly visible, wreaking havock up and down the field all week. On Saturday, they seemed to notice Red's absense, and began building siege equipment down the pass from the Mountain Fortress. We'll have updates on the progress of that as the game continues.

Coming soon, we'll have an interview with these games official referee, Jet Monkey Duo, and a memorial montage for the athletes that have already died." ~~( :>

Elenkos
News Reporter

2006 Apr 21 • 16
21 ₧

We’ve just received information about the porta potty debacle.

Though unconfirmed, out sources indicate that Blue Team leader Ilor, in an attempt to raise faltering moral, ordered the Blue Team choir into the team porta potties of, quote:
“shits and giggles” end quote.

Things turned tragic the entire gathering though it would be funny to collectively light their farts. One can only surmise that….

Just a moment, please…

I’ve just been handed this report!

…

One of the Red Team porta potties has suddenly taken off, and is now taxing down the main drag at mach 1.3!


It’s….

Great Buddha’s Noodle! Its taken off into the air!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, apparently the porta potty is non other than Rocket Box in disguise.

Apparently there is more to this match than meets the eyes.

Back to you.

Jet Monkey Duo
Reff Admin

2005 Mar 26 • 140
34 ₧

That's very good, Elenkos, you get 85 'anchorwoman' points for your last submission.

You scored an 88% with your caption on this picture:

Of course, we would have also accepted "Aparently 8 out of 10 of the elevators to Blue Team's secret underground fortress have broken down, and team members are making do with the remaining two."

or "They called a plumber but not before the shit backed up to the roof."
This last entry, while only scoring a 73%, would earn you a one-time bonus of 150 points from red team.


In other news, both red and blue team have submitted their designs for doomsday machines.

Red submitted a nasty little number, pictured here:



Which earns points for being portable and easy to hide in briefcases, backpacks, or small motor vehicles. Aparently it's operation involves lasers and being reflective (which it clearly is), and is perhaps designed to controll the weather in some way. It lacks somewhat in power, barely making it into the doomsday-class of weaponry (meaning it will have trouble blowing up an entire small nation state in one go), but none the less we've awarded this Doomsday device a score of 2738 points, based on an average of 1 judges score.


Blue's submission is a little less elegant, although it makes up for that somewhat in it's sheer power. Originally intended as some sort of satellite, it has since changed into an emp ray, reflective laser bomb, mirv warhead, and finally wound up as you see here, as a device designed to cause all electronic devices in the world to simultaneously explode, with a magnitude somehow propotional to the number of circuits in the device:



We're not sure how it works, and no one on blue's team has been crazy enough to press the switch yet so only time will tell if this thing truly is powerful enough to earn the title "Doomsday Device". We've given it a score of 2655.


And finally, the karaoke competition is about to begin. Here's a photo of a tech doing final testing on the "Kara-tron 8,000,000,000", the worlds most advanced karaoke machine by a wide margin:



Hopefully we've worked out all the kinks inherent in the design of the "Kara-tron 7,000,000,000", which had a meltdown before the competition even began.

Stay tuned for the results of that! Brayor

CornJer
Metal does cocaine.


2005 Mar 21 • 1524
33 ₧

Before we begin the cermonial karokie, I have something to say, JMD:

Hey Cammi,

I want to grease your tight ass and pussy so bad, that I just cant wait anymore! Trust me, you will love it when I shove my 10 inch dick down your throat!! Your ass is so hot, you'll love it if I fuck ya doggie style, ya sluty bitch! You will love suckin my cum down that tight throat of yours!!! You make me so horny that I want to rape you where you stand!! MMM.... FRESH PUSSA!!! MMM MMM!!!!! HOT HOT HOOOT!!!!

Back to you, Elkinos If you jump high enough you'll hurt your ankles when you land.

Elenkos
News Reporter

2006 Apr 21 • 16
21 ₧

Oh my…

I… Wait, Ms. Falls. Give me back my mic!

Cammi Falls
Fuck you, Ribbon!

2006 Apr 24 • 26
21 ₧

Check out this Blue-team uniform I captured. I think it fits me rather well, don’t you?

While I find your …complements... flattering Mr. D, there’s only one man for me; the fine Dr. Crytax.

What a man… Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 90
11 ₧

SCORE! What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?

Zarathustra
Monotheist

2005 Apr 30 • 298
32 ₧

Oh Snap, its you. I mean me. I mean… Damn space-time altercations. Thus spoke Zarathustra.

Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 90
11 ₧

Who are you? What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?

Zarathustra
Monotheist

2005 Apr 30 • 298
32 ₧

I’m…uh, you…from the future. Its kinda weird, and a hell of a long story. And dont ask abut the blond hair...Its fucking depressing…

Oh. By the way. Though this doesn’t mean anything right now, but when you meet a one Windy Roberts, just save time and shoot her in the face. It will save you and everyone else a great deal of time, sweat, and blood in the long run. Thus spoke Zarathustra.

CornJer
Metal does cocaine.


2005 Mar 21 • 1524
33 ₧

I bet you I could kick crytex's ass, Cammi.

Then Ill show you how to be a bitch If you jump high enough you'll hurt your ankles when you land.

Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 90
11 ₧

Right, because dburnell knows about being a bitch. What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?

CornJer
Metal does cocaine.


2005 Mar 21 • 1524
33 ₧

I is gonna MAKE her a bitch.

My bitch.


You wanna join her? Keep it up. If you jump high enough you'll hurt your ankles when you land.

Cammi Falls
Fuck you, Ribbon!

2006 Apr 24 • 26
21 ₧

Shut up peanut. Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Elenkos
News Reporter

2006 Apr 21 • 16
21 ₧

Uh, you guys? May I please have my microphone back?

CornJer
Metal does cocaine.


2005 Mar 21 • 1524
33 ₧

Sure. If you jump high enough you'll hurt your ankles when you land.

Elenkos
News Reporter

2006 Apr 21 • 16
21 ₧

Thank you very much. I was-

GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST!!
We’ve made the folly of standing around to long!