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The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of vodka, ginger beer, and a squeeze of most of a poodle. Serve in lubricant. Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by most of a poodle? Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore most of a poodle in a very realistic way. Here at Walt Disney World Resort, we are committed to using most of a poodle wisely. I’m starting a new religion based on most of a poodle. These wounds were given to me by most of a poodle. |
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Feb 13 at 20:57 UTC
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That’s my son, who’s about as useful as my tax dollars. Celebrities keep getting cancelled over my tax dollars. And you know what? They deserve it. Go, go, Gadget My Tax Dollars! I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with my tax dollars. In this story, only the true king can pull Excalibur out of my tax dollars. Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into my tax dollars. |
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Feb 18 at 08:06 UTC
— Ed. Feb 18 at 08:08 UTC
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Spraying crude oil on animals Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for spraying crude oil on animals.” Shhh! I need help making spraying crude oil on animals look like an accident. The Great Wall was actually built to keep spraying crude oil on animals out of mainland China. If we’re gonna play an RPG, my character is going to spray crude oil on animals. I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always spraying crude oil on animals. Always. Today I learned my father has been spraying crude oil on animals for forty years. |
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Feb 20 at 20:37 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5194
1,227 ₧
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My 3 weed-smoking girlfriends I’m getting my 3 weed-smoking girlfriends installed in my car, like a rock star! Go, go, Gadget My 3 Weed-smoking Girlfriends! I found a hidden room in grandpa’s house. It’s full of my 3 weed-smoking girlfriends. Please step into the interrogation room. You’ll notice that I have my 3 weed-smoking girlfriends on the counter. I think you know why. Jesus is my 3 weed-smoking girlfriends. Well, at least he died doing what he loved; my 3 weed-smoking girlfriends. |
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Feb 22 at 14:51 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5194
1,227 ₧
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I’m not afraid of generational trauma. In fact, it could be good for me. The dog is barking at generational trauma again. The N64 was Nintendo’s first console with generational trauma. My religion actually says nothing about generational trauma being a sin! A new mother abandoned generational trauma in the airport bathroom. The new bill before congress would require generational trauma in all K-through-12 classrooms. |
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Feb 22 at 14:53 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5194
1,227 ₧
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A jumpy girl with a knife My mom says you have to call it “a jumpy girl with a knife” or you get in trouble! Look, in this life, the best I can hope for is force-feeding Sandra Bullock from a jumpy girl with a knife. The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a jumpy girl with a knife. A jumpy girl with a knife like this is enough to kill a horse! Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a jumpy girl with a knife. The new artsy indie game “A Jumpy Girl With a Knife” is a deeply emotional exploration of extremely poor judgment. |
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Feb 23 at 22:11 UTC
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Getting hit with a frisbee Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with getting hit with a frisbee. The FBI is at the door. I think they’re here because of... you know... getting hit with a frisbee. At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Getting Hit With a Frisbee”! I shook his hand and it felt like getting hit with a frisbee. Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by getting hit with a frisbee. Charlie Rose has been fired after reportedly getting hit with a frisbee dozens of times. As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began getting hit with a frisbee. |
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Mar 13 at 20:15 UTC
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Talking to me while I'm pooping The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re talking to me while I'm pooping! In the escape room we had to figure out your panties. We tried talking to me while I'm pooping and it worked! At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began talking to me while I'm pooping in front of his top supporters. The only kind of safe sex is talking to me while I'm pooping. Talking to me while I'm pooping is bad for your car’s engine. Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by talking to me while I'm pooping. |
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Mar 16 at 17:19 UTC
— Ed. Mar 16 at 17:20 UTC
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Being activated remotely by the Soviets Ich bin ein being activated remotely by the Soviets. Libertarians hold to one tenet alone: that being activated remotely by the Soviets should be allowed at any time, for any reason. Being activated remotely by the Soviets is a uniquely British problem. Happiness: Being activated remotely by the Soviets, too much denim, and a traffic cop. It smells like Thai food in here... have you guys been being activated remotely by the Soviets? It’s not delivery. It’s being activated remotely by the Soviets. |
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Mar 26 at 23:46 UTC
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Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into Helen Keller at an orgy and stopped. Everyone who knows me, knows I love Helen Keller at an orgy. It’s so beautiful! Helen Keller at an orgy! As far as the eye can see! CAUTION: Keep Helen Keller at an orgy out of hopper and chute opening. We’re already half way through Helen Keller at an orgy, so we might as well finish it off. Aunt Shasta usually brings Helen Keller at an orgy to the picnic. |
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Mar 31 at 16:06 UTC
— Ed. Mar 31 at 21:25 UTC
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Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of lesbian grannies. Half the country is waking in terror. The dog is barking at lesbian grannies again. J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of lesbian grannies. At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Lesbian Grannies”! I shook his hand and it felt like lesbian grannies. The kids were running around and one knocked over lesbian grannies. We can’t ALL get away with treating women like lesbian grannies. |
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Apr 3 at 21:22 UTC
— Ed. Apr 3 at 21:23 UTC
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Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS SCISSORING CATS.” CAUTION: Keep scissoring cats out of hopper and chute opening. Alexander also named a city in India “Scissoring Cats” after his dead horse. The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for scissoring cats during the Iraq War. A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “scissoring cats.” At Boeing, we test a jackhammer by subjecting it to scissoring cats. |
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Apr 4 at 01:52 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5194
1,227 ₧
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A staggeringly moist demon penis I thought I just had gas, but it came out as a staggeringly moist demon penis. After 6 years in development, I have created a staggeringly moist demon penis. I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always a staggeringly moist demon penis. Always. I can’t believe you forced my mom into a staggeringly moist demon penis! She’s 62! Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called “both ends,” are the passages for a staggeringly moist demon penis to flow. I got a staggeringly moist demon penis at the adult toy store. |
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Apr 6 at 15:48 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 779
11 ₧
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Dating a ward of the state I want to say one word to you, just one word: dating a ward of the state. Zombies can only be killed by dating a ward of the state. During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Dating a Ward of the State. Is your teen engaging in “Dating a Ward of the State Challenge”? Sucking dating a ward of the state into their nose and out their mouth? At the movie theater they have a new thing where you can get dating a ward of the state on your popcorn. Nobody likes dating a ward of the state.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Apr 8 at 20:31 UTC
— Ed. Apr 8 at 20:32 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 779
11 ₧
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Attending a "furry" convention Thanks for attending a "furry" convention last night. *wink* *wink* I never shower without attending a "furry" convention. During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch attending a "furry" convention and her groin. The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town, except for attending a "furry" convention. During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Attending a "furry" Convention. My brother and I started a business attending a "furry" convention, since we’re so good at it.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Apr 8 at 20:50 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 779
11 ₧
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I saw the coolest thing on Amazon, it was a taxidermied furry, in three different colors! The movie theater has been using a taxidermied furry in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. Nobody likes a taxidermied furry. Employee morale dropped when Friday A Taxidermied Furry was cut. But profits are up! Come to Knott’s Berry Farm and try a taxidermied furry. Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found a taxidermied furry in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Apr 8 at 20:52 UTC
— Ed. Apr 11 at 14:44 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 779
11 ₧
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During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize cooperative fellatio. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with cooperative fellatio. Craps is a casino game where you try not to roll cooperative fellatio. My father made a living selling cooperative fellatio. He supported our whole family that way. The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit cooperative fellatio and acquire my Karate sensei! No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in cooperative fellatio!
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Apr 11 at 14:45 UTC
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