SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

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Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
total decadence nc

For my last meal I want total decadence seasoned heavily with a very old jellybean.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing total decadence, since we’re so good at it.
Thanks for total decadence. Now get out of my bed!
Pool rules: No running. No zebras disguised as horses. Keep total decadence out of the deep end.
10% of all proceeds from sales of total decadence will go to The Startling a Tweaker Foundation.
Back in my day, we only had total decadence for a caged madman and we LIKED IT.

 
 
2016 Aug 8 at 21:23 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 299
11 ₧
sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen v

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Sacrificing the Retarded to Make the Magic Happen.
I went rafting, saw sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen in the river, no big deal.
I am become sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen, the destroyer of a nicer surprise.
My car looks like it’s sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
Look, man, I’m not into sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen. But $20 is $20.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from sacrificing the retarded to make the magic happen, and the eco-glass windows trap in creatures.



Algebra for everything vt

Algebra for everything brings ape sounds to a child’s face.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were Algebra for everything, would you be Algebra for everything as well?”
Men, like things money can’t buy, go farthest when they are Algebra for everything.
Pundits agree it will take Algebra for everything for the senator to win the election.
Let’s wait for Mom and Dad to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get Algebra for everything.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of Algebra for everything.



one of those unwanted baby drop-off points np

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “One of Those Unwanted Baby Drop-off Points” syndrome!
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but one of those unwanted baby drop-off points.
I think that ecstasy was cut with one of those unwanted baby drop-off points. After one hit I began very, very rapidly licking.
In a world with upsetting footage not suitable for children gettin’ all up close, one man must overcome one of those unwanted baby drop-off points. Coming this summer.
No one in Morocco can be one of those unwanted baby drop-off points without registering with the government.
During my driving test, I backed my car into one of those unwanted baby drop-off points. I still got an 85!



throwing swords into assholes v

See now black people walk like a sexy, but stylish full turn. But white people -- white people walk like they’re throwing swords into assholes!
I’ll never know why my grandparents find throwing swords into assholes so relaxing.
My religion demands that I must abstain from throwing swords into assholes. Squandering however, is OK.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into throwing swords into assholes! She’s 62!
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and throwing swords into assholes.
The TSA has made new rules mandating throwing swords into assholes on every commercial flight.



everywhere but Oklahoma nc

Don’t look at me while I’m everywhere but Oklahoma! It messes me up!
Back in my day, we only had mandibles for everywhere but Oklahoma and we LIKED IT.
During routine surgery, the doctors found everywhere but Oklahoma embedded in my abdomen.
The authorities followed the trail of everywhere but Oklahoma, leading them straight to the suspect.
The best comfort food will always be greens, everywhere but Oklahoma, and fried chicken.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed everywhere but Oklahoma up and down the highway.



Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls n

Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s a reception area for social events straddled by Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls jumping and nipping at me from below and even solving a problem.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls in every room.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of competitive masturbation in history, rode into battle atop Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls removed so he could be not knowing or caring why.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from hate-fucking with Kurt Cobain tonfa fighting with teenage mutant ninja ghouls.


What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2016 Aug 10 at 09:58 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
furry children nc

Her inheritance was squandered upon furry children while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a flagrant misuse of the English language in her own home.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how furry children happens.
Give a man Earth’s orbit and you feed him for a day. Give him furry children, and you feed him for a lifetime.
Don’t shake body shaming so hard, it’ll start furry children.
My kid was acting like bloodlust, so I took away furry children privileges.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into furry children, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start divorce papers.

 
 
2016 Aug 10 at 12:23 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
a button that kills everyone in the room n

I love your necklace! It’s a button that kills everyone in the room, right?
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by a button that kills everyone in the room.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to a button that kills everyone in the room.
Hark! What a button that kills everyone in the room through yonder window breaks?
The cruiseliner struck dos and don’ts and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with a button that kills everyone in the room.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not a button that kills everyone in the room like your brother?”



all your microcephaly babies np

See now black people walk like all your microcephaly babies. But white people -- white people walk like they’re bodily harm!
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from all your microcephaly babies, and the eco-glass windows trap in a naked man running in the freeway.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of all your microcephaly babies in history, rode into battle atop a single shot to the head.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with all your microcephaly babies jumping and nipping at me from below and even slipping on a jizz slick.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on a frantic woman when I bought all your microcephaly babies.
The best comfort food will always be greens, all your microcephaly babies, and fried chicken.



fusing together v

The survey team detected fusing together at the work site so I threw a strong magnet in my truck and drove straight there.
Life without love is like fusing together without a phone ringing off the hook or fruit.
The water tower looks like it’s fusing together from this angle.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift a broken man over my head, but fusing together got in the way.
Fusing together has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
You evaded my “Fusing Together” attack! Most impressive.



stabbing yourself v

Don’t shake a Ouija board so hard, it’ll start stabbing yourself.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with stabbing yourself! It’s all here in my manifesto!
My house. 8 o’clock. Stabbing yourself.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began stabbing yourself.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about pity, but with stabbing yourself!
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with good, Christian values went off early, ejecting stabbing yourself into the air!

 
 
2016 Aug 11 at 16:28 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
inhaling vt

Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a cattle pen and a horse corral and inhaling.
The water tower looks like it’s inhaling from this angle.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like inhaling.
When fuzzy handcuffs is ready, inhaling will appear.
I ordered the song of my people privately over the Internet so I can get better at inhaling.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for inhaling.



not standing for it v

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be not standing for it if I wanted a new family.
A lifetime of not standing for it awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
My favorite new band is “Thick Pudding and Not Standing for It”.
Ich bin ein not standing for it.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of not standing for it.
Here on the assembly line we heat a bunch of vulvas in my face to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is not standing for it.



side effects np

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began side effects.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is side effects.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for side effects.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed side effects up and down the highway.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: side effects.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being side effects.



the FDA n

It’s lucky to touch the FDA; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
Its opposite produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under the FDA to keep warm.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “the FDA” incident in the science lab.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in the FDA.
I noticed symptoms of voluminous hair, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s the FDA!” but I’m not sure.
Help! I’m the FDA and I need YOU to do something about it!

 
 
2016 Aug 11 at 16:35 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
getting kicked to death by a horse v

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as the Black Prince, score points by getting kicked to death by a horse, and Gene Simmons’ tongue shall not be on the field.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was getting kicked to death by a horse, part was chocolate chip juice, and it was crowned with a skull on a spike.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began getting kicked to death by a horse.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is getting kicked to death by a horse.
Hark! What getting kicked to death by a horse through yonder window breaks?
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with getting kicked to death by a horse.

 
 
2016 Aug 12 at 01:18 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 12 at 01:29 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
That one is good. :D
 
 
2016 Aug 12 at 11:17 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 299
11 ₧
Bethesda has a reputation for  .

Bethesda has a reputation for someone.
Bethesda has a reputation for bodily fluids.
Bethesda has a reputation for a tightrope.
Bethesda has a reputation for a dust cloud.
Bethesda has a reputation for a double-meat pizza.
Bethesda has a reputation for that urpy feeling like when you eat too much.



I swear, if North Korea saw   coming over a hill, and they were all  , I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.2

I swear, if North Korea saw rubbery, cleaner poops coming over a hill, and they were all a battalion of ruthless, killer cyborgs, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw MY SKULL! coming over a hill, and they were all stainless steel plating, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw a heron coming over a hill, and they were all the last breath of a dying man, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw the very foundation coming over a hill, and they were all the immigrant experience in America, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw a great big sword coming over a hill, and they were all a new Wes Anderson movie, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.
I swear, if North Korea saw all the air in the room coming over a hill, and they were all an even harder bang, I think we would all feel very different about this presidency.




eating pancakes off your own chest v

My house. 8 o’clock. Eating pancakes off your own chest.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Eating Pancakes off Your Own Chest” syndrome!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “eating pancakes off your own chest”.
Then God said, “Let there be eating pancakes off your own chest”; and there was eating pancakes off your own chest. And God saw that eating pancakes off your own chest was good.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with eating pancakes off your own chest! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced the best of us with eating pancakes off your own chest.



working all night to make sure nothing gets done v

Let’s wait for drugs to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get working all night to make sure nothing gets done.
Working all night to make sure nothing gets done! Working all night to make sure nothing gets done! My kingdom for working all night to make sure nothing gets done!
In the public working all night to make sure nothing gets done model, a third-party service provider delivers the working all night to make sure nothing gets done service over the Internet.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were working all night to make sure nothing gets done, would you be working all night to make sure nothing gets done as well?”
If you ask me, working all night to make sure nothing gets done makes good neighbors.
When the tiniest little idea in my pea brain is ready, working all night to make sure nothing gets done will appear.



some next-level shit nc

During routine surgery, the doctors found some next-level shit embedded in my abdomen.
I came with some next-level shit to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought headroom so nobody even noticed!
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw some next-level shit for the first time!
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was some next-level shit.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Crossing a Moral Boundary!” You’re cursed with some next-level shit until the end of the game!
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of some next-level shit came on the screen.



waving dildo-bats v

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of waving dildo-bats.
Waving dildo-bats is the only way to say goodbye.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Waving Dildo-bats.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all tainted love, right while I’m waving dildo-bats.
The TSA has made new rules mandating waving dildo-bats on every commercial flight.
Pool rules: No running. No waving dildo-bats. Keep an imitation poop spiral out of the deep end.



1000 soldiers np

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than 1000 soldiers.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see 1000 soldiers spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be 1000 soldiers while I’m a motorist!
Her inheritance was squandered upon 1000 soldiers while Cinderella was abused and forced to become less candy than usual in her own home.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then 1000 soldiers really affected me.
In the third world, luxuries like 1000 soldiers are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to a dust bunny.



mechahitler nc

I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with mechahitler.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, mechahitler emerged.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have mechahitler.
I got into my car and sat on mechahitler. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted mechahitler to the vastness of space.
They said mechahitler was out of my league, and that I'd never eve get freaky with hopefully not me this time.


What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2016 Aug 13 at 21:33 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 13 at 21:35 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
making a little whoopsie v

Let’s wait for my point of view to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get making a little whoopsie.
A syringe nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid making a little whoopsie.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Making a Little Whoopsie and You”.
Our artisanal process ages a hysterical dame for 3 years, before going right into making a little whoopsie, rapidly mistaking a man for a lady.
There’s no reason for making a little whoopsie before breakfast.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a hollow shell with making a little whoopsie.

 
 
2016 Aug 13 at 23:18 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 13 at 23:30 PDT
jeff is wizlord

2014 Nov 12 • 278
In honor of what happened to me yesterday...

watching your phone get run over by a car v

Let’s wait for military-themed porn to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get watching your phone get run over by a car.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Watching Your Phone Get Run over by a Car.
Alexander also named a city in India “Watching Your Phone Get Run over by a Car” after his dead horse.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Watching Your Phone Get Run over by a Car.
My nightly ritual involves an actual rusty trombone, a demonic religious lie, and finally watching your phone get run over by a car just as I fall asleep.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from watching your phone get run over by a car, and the eco-glass windows trap in a mind-erasing kit.

 
 
2016 Aug 16 at 09:46 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 16 at 09:46 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
absence of the head and spinal column nc

Hiding with your warriors brings absence of the head and spinal column to a child’s face.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up absence of the head and spinal column in every room.
I’m getting absence of the head and spinal column installed in my car, so I can be being trapped in a tent while I drive.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of absence of the head and spinal column came on the screen.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned absence of the head and spinal column. As a result, his men were well motivated.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: absence of the head and spinal column.

 
 
2016 Aug 17 at 14:27 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 19 at 22:23 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
jeff is wizlord said:
In honor of what happened to me yesterday...

watching your phone get run over by a car v

Last night I dreamed of watching your phone get run over by a car. I cannot shake the feeling that an enormous cushion will arrive soon.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling the last wish of a dying man. The driver was watching your phone get run over by a car.
My dream house has a molecule built in, an extra garage for watching your phone get run over by a car, and $200 worth of Taco Bell™ for the door bell.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Watching Your Phone Get Run over by a Car” syndrome!
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Not Riding a Segway Co., tapping into the growing market for watching your phone get run over by a car.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn watching your phone get run over by a car, but now for work I’m puberty cream. Go figure!



Jaaafff Nuuuuuuu..
 
 
2016 Aug 17 at 14:27 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
chugging a beer as fast as possible v

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a savvy entrepreneur, score points by chugging a beer as fast as possible, and a novelty gag dildo shall not be on the field.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Chugging a Beer as Fast as Possible.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of chugging a beer as fast as possible.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of chugging a beer as fast as possible came on the screen.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by piles of limbs and chugging a beer as fast as possible.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Drinking Palm Wine from Your Enemy’s Skull” and it helps me with chugging a beer as fast as possible.

 
 
2016 Aug 18 at 07:08 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 18 at 07:08 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
a dingbat n

Science never solves a problem without creating a dingbat.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in a dingbat.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a dingbat one ounce at a time.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as most of my blood, score points by rubbing my gland, and a dingbat shall not be on the field.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a dingbat.
For my last meal I want a dingbat seasoned heavily with a lonely grave.



Jews in cahoots np

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw Jews in cahoots overboard!
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with all this shit. So bring Jews in cahoots.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about Jews in cahoots.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of Jews in cahoots heard remote.
Two best friends and Jews in cahoots take a road trip, and discover a dead clown on the stairs along the way.
Jews in cahoots! Jews in cahoots! My kingdom for Jews in cahoots!



waiting to kill v

A social skill is any skill facilitating waiting to kill with others.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by waiting to kill.
You evaded my “Waiting to Kill” attack! Most impressive.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into waiting to kill.
If you ask me, waiting to kill makes good neighbors.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by waiting to kill.

 
 
2016 Aug 18 at 14:02 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
two or three caterpillars np

I dug around for hours in the trash but never found two or three caterpillars.
In the third world, luxuries like the associated risks are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to two or three caterpillars.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of two or three caterpillars in the soil.
There is no revenge so complete as two or three caterpillars.
Chasing a firetruck nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid two or three caterpillars.
Pool rules: No running. No two or three caterpillars. Keep steampunk bullshit out of the deep end.



$10 np

The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around $10.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for $10.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value $10 more. Now hold still.
Getting $10 back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with $10 and are ordered to be quicksand no matter what.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from having a zero-value existence with $10.



a "Hey!" n

In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under a "Hey!".
I can’t believe you guys went painting rude words on the cat without me! Loop me in next time, I want a "Hey!" too!
On Ebay you can get a "Hey!" but it comes in several tiny boxes.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw a "Hey!" overboard!
For my last meal I want a skin tag seasoned heavily with a "Hey!".
Last Christmas, I gave you a "Hey!". The very next day, you gave it away.

 
 
2016 Aug 18 at 14:12 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 18 at 14:16 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
swatting vt

As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began swatting.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, swatting every single day.
Shepherds in Scotland have used swatting for years to keep the flock from dealing drugs.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into swatting.
See now black people walk like a newer, sleeker leopard. But white people -- white people walk like they’re swatting!
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen swatting.



sticking to the wall v

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to sticking to the wall.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a lasting mark-loving bot that hates sticking to the wall.
But I promised my kids they could get sticking to the wall for Christmas!
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by sticking to the wall.
I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me sticking to the wall at the party last night.
What the significant achievements department lacks in selection, we make up for in sticking to the wall.



instant death nc

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate instant death.
Help! I’m instant death and I need YOU to do something about it!
At the coffee shop they wrote “instant death” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Last night I dreamed of an infinite supply of anything and everything right at your fucking fingertips. I cannot shake the feeling that instant death will arrive soon.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Instant Death?
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Instant Death” syndrome!

 
 
2016 Aug 19 at 14:17 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
serial killers np

At the city council meeting I yelled “Fine! Have serial killers! Some of us just want the best woman for the job.”
1) A robot may not injure serial killers, or through inaction allow serial killers to come to harm.
Serial killers has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
But of the tree of knowledge of slapping everything and serial killers you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from mistaking a man for a lady with serial killers.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found serial killers in the walls at my office.



tikka masala nc

On my wedding night my father told me, “Don’t go chasing tikka masala.”
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with well-organized orphans and a mysterious boy who fights tikka masala.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began tikka masala.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got tikka masala painted on both sides, which some say encourages dilation of the uterus.
We can be tikka masala. And no one has to know.
Back in my day, we only had the longest, thinnest hot dog for tikka masala and we LIKED IT.



your mom's bathroom n

I met this hot chick online. She says she’s your mom's bathroom and I think I believe her!
Ugh. I ate an eyewitness last night and I’ve been trying to put on your mom's bathroom all morning.
If your mom's bathroom were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find your mom's bathroom in the back seat.
I chipped my tooth on your mom's bathroom. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t a determined shark.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had human murder removed so he could be your mom's bathroom.



trillions of dollars np

I think that ecstasy was cut with trillions of dollars. After one hit I began very, very rapidly juicing up.
My pharmacist separated trillions of dollars into two piles, and carefully lowered one into an icky bug.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by trillions of dollars.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with trillions of dollars.
Jesus is trillions of dollars.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of trillions of dollars on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.

 
 
2016 Aug 20 at 02:15 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
121,000 pounds of marmelade np

What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, 121,000 pounds of marmelade... Sweet! Sunny-D!
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, 121,000 pounds of marmelade every single day.
Pundits agree it will take 121,000 pounds of marmelade for the senator to win the election.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put 121,000 pounds of marmelade in the pillows.
A stroke of genius brings 121,000 pounds of marmelade to a child’s face.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was 121,000 pounds of marmelade.

 
 
2016 Aug 21 at 00:37 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 299
11 ₧
burning the house down v

Men, like a beefy meal, go farthest when they are burning the house down.
I chipped my tooth on a sexual encounter. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t burning the house down.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise burning the house down by rewarding them with a protruding vein.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're burning the house down!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into burning the house down! She’s 62!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “burning the house down”.



double-tight yoga pants n

Jesus is double-tight yoga pants.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with double-tight yoga pants slowly overtaking the buildings.
Authorities were tallying damage from double-tight yoga pants that struck southern California Friday evening.
Chase bank is giving out double-tight yoga pants this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
During routine surgery, the doctors found double-tight yoga pants embedded in my abdomen.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were double-tight yoga pants, would you be double-tight yoga pants as well?”



taking her to 'The Bone Zone’ v

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a glass pane-loving bot that hates taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Taking Her to 'The Bone Zone’
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and taking her to 'The Bone Zone’.
Don’t look at me while I’m taking her to 'The Bone Zone’! It messes me up!



dripping with erotic possibilities v

John “drawing your knife and slashing your way out of the tent” Smith. The genius who brought us dripping with erotic possibilities.
Alexander also named a city in India “Dripping with Erotic Possibilities” after his dead horse.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was dripping with erotic possibilities, part was a little sumthin sumthin, and it was crowned with a bottle of urine.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore dripping with erotic possibilities in a very realistic way.
Dripping with erotic possibilities brings one mile of train rail to a child’s face.
Throughout human history, dripping with erotic possibilities has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.



poop sliding out of our butts n

For science class we went on a field trip to see how poop sliding out of our butts happens.
Hark! What poop sliding out of our butts through yonder window breaks?
Sir! We are out of anal cleansing tablets, but we found poop sliding out of our butts while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider poop sliding out of our butts.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock consensual manslaughter and poop sliding out of our butts in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced the savory gels of her lust with poop sliding out of our butts.




Ok, I’ll admit   might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in  .2

Ok, I’ll admit sinuses might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in a bear in a trashcan.
Ok, I’ll admit a fish choad might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in getting crushed between two trucks.
Ok, I’ll admit a line might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in fatty grunts.
Ok, I’ll admit thunderclaps might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind.
Ok, I’ll admit a perfect vacuum might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in getting tickled until you bust a nut.
Ok, I’ll admit racist bullshit might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in Oprah’s warm embrace.


What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2016 Aug 21 at 11:22 PDT
Signa
2013 Dec 28 • 140
adopting a Juggalo v

I noticed symptoms of adopting a Juggalo, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s creeping upstairs!” but I’m not sure.
Adopting a Juggalo is the only way to say goodbye.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Dark Magic Co., tapping into the growing market for adopting a Juggalo.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore adopting a Juggalo in a very realistic way.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then adopting a Juggalo really affected me.
Music without the sounds of adopting a Juggalo is hardly music at all.

 
 
2016 Aug 21 at 17:55 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 21 at 17:56 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
punishing the dog v

When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift all sorts of shit over my head, but punishing the dog got in the way.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to punishing the dog.
Throughout human history, punishing the dog has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is punishing the dog.
John “nudity” Smith. The genius who brought us punishing the dog.
Don’t shake my point of view so hard, it’ll start punishing the dog.



seduction nc

Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with seduction.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of seduction.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, seduction emerged.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, seduction every single day.
The rich aroma of seduction, from the hills of Colombia.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember seduction?”



 
 
2016 Aug 22 at 12:23 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 22 at 13:33 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4599
1,227 ₧
organizing my father's bones v

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was organizing my father's bones.
Although moving away from my SIM card proved effective for schools, the switch to organizing my father's bones initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into organizing my father's bones.
I’m getting a useful tip installed in my car, so I can be organizing my father's bones while I drive.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually organizing my father's bones.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of quicksand-loving bot that hates organizing my father's bones.

 
 
2016 Aug 22 at 12:29 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 22 at 12:30 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
my VERY jealous, protective pet spider n

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on my VERY jealous, protective pet spider.
At the skating rink there was my VERY jealous, protective pet spider and everyone fell down at once.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into my VERY jealous, protective pet spider! She’s 62!
God didn’t create me. God created my VERY jealous, protective pet spider. And my VERY jealous, protective pet spider created me.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Body Parts of Celebrities Co., tapping into the growing market for my VERY jealous, protective pet spider.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was my VERY jealous, protective pet spider.



a telepath n

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a telepath.
Help! I’m a telepath and I need YOU to do something about it!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “a telepath”.
Can I get some floss? There’s a telepath between my teeth.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a super-tiny butt hole, but now for work I’m a telepath. Go figure!
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of a telepath.



telepathy nc

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted telepathy to the vastness of space.
The best comfort food will always be greens, telepathy, and fried chicken.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be telepathy if I wanted a new family.
Look, man, I’m not into telepathy. But $20 is $20.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to telepathy.
The water tower looks like it’s telepathy from this angle.



Mom's feet np

I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with Mom's feet.
Furious that I was hiding just around the corner into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into Mom's feet.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off phantom limb syndrome in the stands and then knocked Mom's feet off an underwear shoot.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into Mom's feet.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in Mom's feet.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found Mom's feet in the walls at my office.

 
 
2016 Aug 22 at 14:46 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5901
not my butt, please nc

A lifetime of not my butt, please awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
A real jerk-off produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under not my butt, please to keep warm.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Not My Butt, Please”! I shook his hand and it felt like not my butt, please.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy not my butt, please one ounce at a time.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with not my butt, please. So bring real, actual witchcraft.
Here on the assembly line we heat not my butt, please to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is crouching silently.



a clumsy lesbian n

Give a man a sexually aggressive woman and you feed him for a day. Give him a clumsy lesbian, and you feed him for a lifetime.
When the mixture is bubbling, add a clumsy lesbian to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
My dream house has my bruised thighs built in, an extra garage for a clumsy lesbian, and the sound of someone sipping soup for the door bell.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from a clumsy lesbian, and the eco-glass windows trap in a strongly-worded letter.
Until quite recently, a clumsy lesbian had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as a clumsy lesbian.

 
 
2016 Aug 22 at 20:49 PDT — Ed. 2016 Aug 22 at 21:22 PDT
jeff is wizlord

2014 Nov 12 • 278
breathing irresponsibly v

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than breathing irresponsibly.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be breathing irresponsibly.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by Mexican forces and breathing irresponsibly.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and breathing irresponsibly.
Don’t look at me while I’m breathing irresponsibly! It messes me up!
I’ve got a master’s degree in Breathing Irresponsibly!

 
 
2016 Aug 24 at 16:43 PDT