SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

General — Page 1 2 3 ... 32 33 34 [35] 36 37 38 ... 107 108 109
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
live harvester ants np

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate live harvester ants.
Sir! We are out of live harvester ants, but we found a tribal village while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
But I promised my kids they could get live harvester ants for Christmas!
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about live harvester ants and hate-fucking. Should I talk to him?
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride live harvester ants. It made me feel like I was assault preparations.
Monopoly: Booze Edition comes with live harvester ants and a gentleman with the tummy grumbles instead of houses and hotels.

 
 
2016 Sep 24 at 01:10 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
getting on my nerves v

The new bill before congress would mandate getting on my nerves in all K-through-12 classrooms.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s getting on my nerves.
It’s not delivery. It’s getting on my nerves.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience getting on my nerves like I was really there.
I noticed symptoms of beans on toast, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s getting on my nerves!” but I’m not sure.
Here on the assembly line we heat an emaciated bovine to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is getting on my nerves.

 
 
2016 Sep 25 at 05:46 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 317
11 ₧
eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird v

During the war, German scientists experimented with eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird to weaponize a crotchety old hermit.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird.
For my last meal I want a mutilated torso seasoned heavily with eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird if I wanted a new family.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of eating a Skittle out of your mouth like a baby bird in its food processing operations.



making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements v

... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements, would you be making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements as well?”
Men, like dying evil, go farthest when they are making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements around the building.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as my DNA, score points by making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements, and a fresh banana shall not be on the field.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Making Awkward and Inappropriate Sexual Statements”! I shook his hand and it felt like making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for being busy with it and making awkward and inappropriate sexual statements at the assembly line.



an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire v

Ha! You activated my trap card, “An Oncoming Freight Train Made of Plutonium and Also Fire!” You’re cursed with adults eating teenagers alive until the end of the game!
Don’t shake workplace chatter so hard, it’ll start an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire and expectorating some sludge.
When the beef came at me it was like an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through an Oncoming Freight Train Made of Plutonium and Also Fire!
My dream house has the longest, thinnest hot dog built in, an extra garage for an oncoming freight train made of plutonium and also fire, and Fancy Santas for the door bell.



a nightmarish little ball of suffering vt

Always walk into an interview with a blinding flash of insight and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate a nightmarish little ball of suffering.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “a Nightmarish Little Ball of Suffering
If you ask me, a nightmarish little ball of suffering makes good neighbors.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: A Nightmarish Little Ball of Suffering.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a nightmarish little ball of suffering.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is a nightmarish little ball of suffering.



pushing her buttons v

The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “pushing her buttons” incident in the science lab.
I tried pushing her buttons but it was too tight. Then I tried real human interaction but it was TOO LOOSE.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with the Army jumping and nipping at me from below and even pushing her buttons.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Pushing Her Buttons Blast!
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about pushing her buttons?
Thanks for pushing her buttons. Now get out of my bed!



moving and talking at the same time v

No one in Morocco can be moving and talking at the same time without registering with the government.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s moving and talking at the same time, with a virus around the edges, and $20 worth of pot on top.
Moving and talking at the same time is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Moving and Talking at the Same Time Co., tapping into the growing market for a difficult Canadian.
When that ass is ready, moving and talking at the same time will appear.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of moving and talking at the same time came on the screen.



a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis n

Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis. The driver was pulling out just in time.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off human tears out of a champagne flute in the stands and then knocked shame off a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was hitting a man out of his wheelchair, part was a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis, and it was crowned with some kind of bizarre barbecue CPR.
My mom picked me up a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis popped out!
Back in my day, we only had a plug for the other hole for a spaceship the size of a Greyhound toilet and her skeleton crew of intrepid space Nazis and we LIKED IT.



blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore v

Last night I dreamed of blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore. I cannot shake the feeling that just the thing will arrive soon.
Our artisanal process ages special pube shampoo for 3 years, before going right into blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore, rapidly being asleep, not dead.
If you do it right, blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore is all about the whole bottle of sleeping pills.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore to forage for food.
Hotdog grade “meat”! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s blacking out and waking up and blacking out and waking up over and over until you're not sure who or where you are anymore.



drinking milk. Dick milk v

J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of drinking milk. Dick milk.
What the those glorious gams department lacks in selection, we make up for in drinking milk. Dick milk.
I am become drinking milk. Dick milk, the destroyer of a little spurt.
Pool rules: No running. No drinking milk. Dick milk. Keep power of attorney out of the deep end.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS WHAT MAY BECOME A BONER DRINKING MILK. DICK MILK.”
A social skill is any skill facilitating drinking milk. Dick milk with others.



wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions v

I’m late to my meeting for wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions.
Music without the sounds of wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions is hardly music at all.
Go, go, Gadget Wordless and Unnecessarily Confusing Actions!
The Great Wall was actually built to keep wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions out of mainland China.
Don’t email me at work! Email me at my personal address: ruth-bader-ginsburg-s-frilly-neckerchief@wordless-and-unnecessarily-confusing-actions.net
My house. 8 o’clock. Wordless and unnecessarily confusing actions.



constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything vt

I noticed symptoms of tumbling down a mountain, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything!” but I’m not sure.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything.
My car looks like it’s constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
If constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything failed and we careened down the embankment directly toward a mental illness.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “constant extreme close-ups of people sitting quietly, alone, not thinking or doing anything”.



This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister into .

This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intoa mindless animal response.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intobeets. Mashed beets.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intoa deflating balloon.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intoa dust cloud.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intosmacking your bitch in public.
This is the story of a dude who tricks his little sister intograndma’s soggy diaper.



Great, somebody started   again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.

Great, somebody started the taste of Rohypnol again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started lips again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started making sure no one sees again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started a skin tag again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started you, ya dirty bum again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.
Great, somebody started the brave men and women fighting for us again, time for another mandatory sensitivity seminar.



Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in  ?

Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in snake jizz?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in favorable terrain?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in masturbating to pictures of dead animals?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in a gynecological procedure?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in providing unscrupulous advice?
Have you ever considered asking a girl if she’d be interested in an eyeless face?

What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2016 Sep 25 at 12:18 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
I'm sure I blew  {n} in this napkin somewhere.

I'm sure I blew turkey tacos in this napkin somewhere.
I'm sure I blew everything under the sea in this napkin somewhere.
I'm sure I blew a puffed up chest in this napkin somewhere.
I'm sure I blew a virus in this napkin somewhere.
I'm sure I blew a gash in this napkin somewhere.
I'm sure I blew any decent person in this napkin somewhere.



I'm sure I blew my nose in  {n} somewhere.

I'm sure I blew my nose in a super-tiny butt hole somewhere.
I'm sure I blew my nose in evil thinking somewhere.
I'm sure I blew my nose in a low wall somewhere.
I'm sure I blew my nose in a ghoulish feast somewhere.
I'm sure I blew my nose in a snake pit somewhere.
I'm sure I blew my nose in soft buns somewhere.

 
 
2016 Sep 25 at 17:21 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
eating a panther v

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and eating a panther.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be eating a panther.
Don’t shake an elite Korean hacker so hard, it’ll start eating a panther.
During the war, German scientists experimented with eating a panther to weaponize 100% plastic adult toys.
It’s not delivery. It’s eating a panther.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to eating a panther.

 
 
2016 Sep 28 at 18:38 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
I want to try more stuff like "getting on my nerves":

making me angry v

Ich bin ein making me angry.
On the assembly line we heat hot wax to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is making me angry.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, making me angry appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
There’s no reason for making me angry before breakfast.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Making Me Angry”! I shook his hand and it felt like making me angry.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of making me angry came on the screen.


making me suspicious v

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience making me suspicious like I was really there.
In the public making me suspicious model, a third-party service provider delivers the making me suspicious service over the Internet.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but making me suspicious.
In my wild days I was making me suspicious, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with my tortoise’s heat lamp on the New Mexico border.
If you kids don’t stop making me suspicious, I will turn laughing along but crying inside around!
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate making me suspicious.


freaking me out v

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began freaking me out.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift the absolute verifiable truth over my head, but freaking me out got in the way.
Freaking me out has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
If freaking me out were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
The Great Wall was actually built to keep freaking me out out of mainland China.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a mutilated torso, while a man is freaking me out on a galloping horse.

 
 
2016 Sep 29 at 01:25 PDT — Ed. 2016 Sep 29 at 06:46 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
crawling under the bed v

The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of crawling under the bed, so the temporary replacement uses carrion birds.
The survey team detected crawling under the bed at the work site so I threw a conventional man in my truck and drove straight there.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A better god, crawling under the bed and antibiotics.
Pundits agree it will take crawling under the bed for the senator to win the election.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with crawling under the bed.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with crawling under the bed.



wet, leathery wings np

Happiness: The stars of the night sky, wet, leathery wings, and undressing.
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like Fancy Santas and is carrying wet, leathery wings.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, wet, leathery wings, sloth, wrath, a withered serpent, and pride.
Wet, leathery wings saved is wet, leathery wings earned.
Wet, leathery wings is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
When wet, leathery wings is ready, a head full of teeth will appear.



Big Pharma nc

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was Big Pharma.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: Big Pharma.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a wailing infant for years to keep the flock from Big Pharma.
I can’t believe you guys went milking a buffalo without me! Loop me in next time, I want Big Pharma too!
Men, like an upstart, go farthest when they are Big Pharma.
My mom picked me up Big Pharma from the thrift shop. It was the last one!



a choking hazard n

Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a choking hazard.
At my 9th birthday, we had a choking hazard piñata that burst open showering life-altering injuries on us kids.
Back in my day, we only had mouth to mouth pig ribs for a choking hazard and we LIKED IT.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a choking hazard.
During my driving test, I backed my car into a choking hazard. I still got an 85!
I got into my car and sat on a choking hazard. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.

 
 
2016 Sep 29 at 16:07 PDT
Signa
2013 Dec 28 • 142
Fathering children with a lesbian v

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for Fathering children with a lesbian.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by Fathering children with a lesbian.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, Fathering children with a lesbian every single day.
Our mystical secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of work Fathering children with a lesbian.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Fathering Children with a Lesbian
I chipped my tooth on a quick one. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t Fathering children with a lesbian.

 
 
2016 Sep 30 at 01:23 PDT — Ed. 2016 Sep 30 at 01:24 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
a single slice nc

CAUTION: Keep a single slice out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury.
In a world with intestines draped everywhere putting the “I” back in “team”, one man must overcome a single slice. Coming this summer.
When the mixture is bubbling, add a single slice to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a single slice in its food processing operations.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow A Single Slice?
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A SINGLE SLICE BEING UNABLE TO LOOK YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR.”


intense rugburn nc

Here on the assembly line we heat intense rugburn to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is writhing on the floor and screaming my name.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with intense rugburn.
In this 15th century painting, a good soak is represented by a man with intense rugburn for a head.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about intense rugburn?
Intense rugburn isn’t getting old, but I sure am!
The hardware store didn’t have insincerity left, so I got intense rugburn.



Is that last one already a card...?
 
 
2016 Oct 2 at 09:44 PDT — Ed. 2016 Oct 2 at 09:45 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
fear of retribution nc

I’m late to my meeting for fear of retribution.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “fear of retribution.”
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with fear of retribution.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy fear of retribution one ounce at a time.
At Boeing R&D, we test fear of retribution by connecting through unbelievably beautiful hair to a special 10,000-volt battery.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with fear of retribution.



upcoming changes np

Let’s wait for upcoming changes to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get a concrete, actual object.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under upcoming changes.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: Upcoming changes with peeing crabs.
We can be upcoming changes. And no one has to know.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced shame with upcoming changes.
It’s lucky to touch upcoming changes; it’s even luckier to touch mine.



shooting myself in the foot v

Our artisanal process ages Italian financiers for 3 years, before going right into shooting myself in the foot, rapidly pooping for four hours a day.
Apparently, “Shooting Myself in the Foot” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
In my state, shooting myself in the foot is a legal right for me and my native brothers.
Pendulous breasts nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid shooting myself in the foot.
I am become shooting myself in the foot, the destroyer of a can of paint on a rope.
This year’s hottest new fashion is shooting myself in the foot on your head.

 
 
2016 Oct 3 at 16:28 PDT
jeff is wizlord

2014 Nov 12 • 279
embracing your girth v

You evaded my “Embracing Your Girth” attack! Most impressive.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value embracing your girth more. Now hold still.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a Japanese vending machine and embracing your girth.
When bad math is ready, embracing your girth will appear.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by embracing your girth.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about embracing your girth and doing surgery on LSD. Should I talk to him?

 
 
2016 Oct 4 at 09:55 PDT — Ed. 2016 Oct 4 at 09:56 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
clown-related deaths np

The city condemned our house after finding clown-related deaths in the crawlspace.
In my wild days I was being lured into a van, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with clown-related deaths on the New Mexico border.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always clown-related deaths just around the corner.
A lifetime of clown-related deaths awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be clown-related deaths.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into clown-related deaths and stopped.

 
 
2016 Oct 4 at 12:46 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
falling in love with a white girl v

Thanks for falling in love with a white girl. Now get out of my bed!
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw falling in love with a white girl for the first time!
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of falling in love with a white girl.
When I saw a satchel full of yeast I was scared, but when it started coming toward me, falling in love with a white girl, I went white as a sheet!
The Halifax bridge failed under the intense weight of falling in love with a white girl, so the temporary replacement uses a girl on roller skates.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were falling in love with a white girl, would you be falling in love with a white girl as well?”



a fan of Madonna n

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “a fan of Madonna”.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Fan of Madonna.
A fan of Madonna is the only way to say goodbye.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Fan of Madonna”! I shook his hand and it felt like a fan of Madonna.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about apocalyptic machinery, just mowing us all down, but with a fan of Madonna!
A fan of Madonna: It’s nature’s candy!



 
 
2016 Oct 4 at 19:56 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
making a choice v

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for making a choice?
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re making a choice and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from making a choice, and the eco-glass windows trap in a bandsaw.
Who so pulleth out a kiss on the lips of this stone is rightwise king born of making a choice.
Here on the assembly line we heat good vibes to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is making a choice.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Making a Choice”! I shook his hand and it felt like making a choice.



bubbles np

When the mixture is bubbling, add bubbles to the pan, in small increments while stirring constantly.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up bubbles on the porch to surprise the kids.
When the stadium was demolished it ejected bubbles, which hung in the air for days.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is bubbles.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but bubbles.
Bubbles has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.



 
 
2016 Oct 6 at 15:44 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
swirling around v

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was swirling around.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of swirling around.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw swirling around for the first time!
Swirling around is the only way to say goodbye.
My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen swirling around.
Swirling around is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.



dirty spaghetti nc

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Dirty spaghetti.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock dirty spaghetti and a skull on a spike in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put dirty spaghetti in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
Here on the assembly line we heat dirty spaghetti to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is leaving a man behind.
The new bill before congress would mandate dirty spaghetti in all K-through-12 classrooms.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but dirty spaghetti.



an even freakier dude n

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began an even freakier dude.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep an even freakier dude out of mainland China.
I like my women like I like an even freakier dude: getting groped by a senator with the “swimsuit area”.
I was vacuuming when I sucked heavy iron dildos out from under the couch. I kept pulling until an even freakier dude came out too!
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with various fluids went off early, ejecting an even freakier dude into the air!
Last Christmas, everyone got a condom with Johnny Depp's face on it under the tree and an even freakier dude in their stockings!

 
 
2016 Oct 6 at 16:20 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
a pack of feral dogs n

Chase bank is giving out a pack of feral dogs this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a pack of feral dogs, but with learning an important lesson!
How embarrassing! I forget I left a pack of feral dogs in the foyer.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always a pack of feral dogs just around the corner.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was a pack of feral dogs, part was an enraged bee, and it was crowned with the real judge of me.
The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: A Pack of Feral Dogs Does a Nosedive.

 
 
2016 Oct 7 at 20:33 PDT — Ed. 2016 Oct 7 at 20:35 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
getting blackjacked by a priestess v

Don’t shake an ankle holster so hard, it’ll start getting blackjacked by a priestess.
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a treasure map, while a man is getting blackjacked by a priestess on a galloping horse.
My kid was acting like the world’s fastest pump, so I took away getting blackjacked by a priestess privileges.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about getting blackjacked by a priestess?
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Getting Blackjacked by a Priestess Co., tapping into the growing market for my sweet.
My new phone looks like it’s getting blackjacked by a priestess but I don’t mind. It makes calls.



the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic n

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic.
I didn’t think this house would sell with the sound of someone sipping soup in the attic. Anyway, I’m the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic to the funeral.
You stole the ’80s from a charity? That’s like taking candy from a baby! You’re the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic and you’re going to hell!
I am become the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic, the destroyer of mouth to mouth pig ribs.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic.

 
 
2016 Oct 7 at 21:21 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
a live king crab n

I can’t believe you guys went saving all the Jews without me! Loop me in next time, I want a live king crab too!
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring a live king crab.
Life without love is like a live king crab without an unfair coin or fruit.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a live king crab and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
Music without the sounds of a live king crab is hardly music at all.
But of the tree of knowledge of a live king crab and lumbering around you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.

 
 
2016 Oct 8 at 02:08 PDT — Ed. 2016 Oct 8 at 02:08 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
a horrible selection of gay men n

I found out why I’m always sick... they found a horrible selection of gay men in the walls at my office.
Ah, a horrible selection of gay men for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a horrible selection of gay men and I think I believe her!
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a horrible selection of gay men. It made me feel like I was a milky sweat bead.
Thanks for a horrible selection of gay men last night. *wink* *wink*
I wasn’t always black... there was a horrible selection of gay men, and it got bigger and bigger.

 
 
2016 Oct 8 at 15:04 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4599
1,227 ₧
jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground v

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground in a very realistic way.
I ordered upgrades privately over the Internet so I can get better at jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground.
Jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground is the only way to say goodbye.
The authorities followed the trail of jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground, leading them straight to the suspect.
I chipped my tooth on nosy neighbors. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about jumpin' three feet off the freakin' ground?

 
 
2016 Oct 9 at 04:06 PDT — Ed. 2016 Oct 9 at 04:07 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4599
1,227 ₧
pushing it deeper v

Don’t shake a complete wimp so hard, it’ll start pushing it deeper.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began pushing it deeper.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Pushing it deeper, a useful tip and fellating everything in the room.
But of the tree of knowledge of pushing it deeper and a crazed gunman you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
Great job on the proposal for pushing it deeper, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a salty sailor.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and pushing it deeper in the Philippines.

 
 
2016 Oct 9 at 04:08 PDT — Ed. 2016 Oct 9 at 04:08 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4599
1,227 ₧
a lady making eyes at dad n

Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a lady making eyes at dad?
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with a lady making eyes at dad.
10% of all proceeds from sales of a lady making eyes at dad will go to The Mailing Anthrax Foundation.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a lady making eyes at dad.”
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a lady making eyes at dad and I think I believe her!
I am become a lady making eyes at dad, the destroyer of a technicality.

 
 
2016 Oct 9 at 04:11 PDT — Ed. 2016 Oct 9 at 04:12 PDT
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4599
1,227 ₧
my girls np

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with my girls jumping and nipping at me from below and even sobbing silently to yourself as the night closes in.
In my wild days I was leaving your friends to die, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with my girls on the New Mexico border.
The best comfort food will always be greens, my girls, and fried chicken.
Although moving away from my mouth proved effective for schools, the switch to my girls initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of my girls, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into yanking hard.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by drunk waterboarding and my girls.

 
 
2016 Oct 9 at 04:14 PDT — Ed. 2016 Oct 9 at 04:16 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 317
11 ₧
piping-hot pot brownies n

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Forcing the Leprechauns to Breed Co., tapping into the growing market for piping-hot pot brownies.
During my driving test, I backed my car into piping-hot pot brownies. I still got an 85!
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me piping-hot pot brownies while we were still in the car.
During the war, German scientists experimented with Princess Perfect to weaponize piping-hot pot brownies.
I need a hotel room with a sex-addicted panda, and I need piping-hot pot brownies brought to me every four hours.
The best comfort food will always be greens, piping-hot pot brownies, and fried chicken.



enraged war elephants np

Chimps in the wild have been observed using enraged war elephants to forage for food.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always enraged war elephants. Always.
Men, like enraged war elephants, go farthest when they are a kangaroo kick to the head.
At the skating rink there was enraged war elephants and everyone fell down at once.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have enraged war elephants.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by enraged war elephants.



What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2016 Oct 9 at 15:42 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
hiding the pain v

Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling a fatal bee sting on the anus. The driver was hiding the pain.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Hiding the Pain.
Waking in terror while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of hiding the pain.
If you have a dream about hiding the pain, it meas you’re worried about death math.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using hiding the pain to forage for food.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “hiding the pain.”

 
 
2016 Oct 10 at 17:10 PDT