SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

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Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
Licking it up and down
v

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s licking it up and down, with a crow in a blender around the edges, and baseless hatred on top.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for licking it up and down and getting infected at the assembly line.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like licking it up and down.
We can be licking it up and down. And no one has to know.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not licking it up and down like your brother?”
I couldn’t sleep. I’m too anxious about licking it up and down tomorrow.

 
 
2017 Oct 18 at 01:15 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
The Dark Master of Terror
n

This workplace has gone (0) days without the Dark Master of Terror.
The Dark Master of Terror is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by Mom’s face.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about the Dark Master of Terror and laughing with a mouth full of firecrackers. Should I talk to him?
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about the Dark Master of Terror?
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling the Dark Master of Terror. The driver was being attacked by a skeleton.
My mom picked me up the Dark Master of Terror from the thrift shop. It was the last one!

 
 
2017 Oct 20 at 20:12 PDT — Ed. 2017 Oct 20 at 20:57 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
Tainted meat
nc

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as tainted meat.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but tainted meat.
A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been gettin’ all up close. The snail may have escaped tainted meat by going underground.
Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with tainted meat.
We can’t ALL get away with treating women like tainted meat.
The city condemned our house after finding tainted meat in the crawlspace.

 
 
2017 Oct 24 at 20:46 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Jonathan the oldest gay tortoise
n

Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start mistaking a man for a lady before Jonathan the oldest gay tortoise.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as Jonathan the oldest gay tortoise surfaced from below.
I came with Jonathan the oldest gay tortoise to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought many people so nobody even noticed!
The water tower looks like it’s Jonathan the oldest gay tortoise from this angle.
After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “Jonathan the oldest gay tortoise
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with Jonathan the oldest gay tortoise.



Megan Fox's creepy thumbs
np

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into McDonald’s®, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start Megan Fox's creepy thumbs.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “Megan Fox's creepy thumbs” incident in the science lab.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in Megan Fox's creepy thumbs.
Today I bought Megan Fox's creepy thumbs from the back of a van. They also threw in David Bowie’s mysterious bulge, which I didn’t even think was legal.
Megan Fox's creepy thumbs in the hand is worth two in the bush.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember Megan Fox's creepy thumbs?”

 
 
2017 Oct 25 at 02:45 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
Gruntar, the warrior of legend
n

Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in Gruntar, the warrior of legend.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, Gruntar, the warrior of legend popped out!
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Gruntar, the Warrior of Legend and You”.
When I get older, I don’t want to be Gruntar, the warrior of legend.
How high do you have to be to put Gruntar, the warrior of legend on alien parasite larvae?
The terrorists will execute steers and queers every 20 minutes until they receive Gruntar, the warrior of legend.

 
 
2017 Oct 25 at 15:10 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
Getting gored by a hippo
v

Growing up we never had back surgery, but we had to deal with getting gored by a hippo, and I want the opposite for my children.
A creepy dude is getting gored by a hippo in the ocean of life!
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually getting gored by a hippo.
Getting gored by a hippo is the spice of gay shit.
While I was out the Roomba got into my happy place and was getting gored by a hippo.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re getting gored by a hippo!

 
 
2017 Oct 26 at 17:46 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include  {n} and  {n}, and that the actor must always be  {v}.
Play 3

Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include a plump, lazy hyena and a piece of lint near my vagina, and that the actor must always be pulling out just in time.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include a boyfriend shaped bed and a dream, and that the actor must always be wandering around.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include pulsating opposite sexes and a divorce, and that the actor must always be hate-fucking.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include the reason this happened and wet like grandma does it, and that the actor must always be vomiting gore all over your face.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include wrestling alligators and black leggings, and that the actor must always be beeping.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said that every scene in a movie should include a bunch of kids and cuts on the wall, and that the actor must always be achieving an orgasm.



Maybe we can shrink that down? Or:

Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include   with  .
Play 2

Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include porkin’ with a comfortable spot.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include a plug for the other hole with my evil little body.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include amniotic fluid with victory or death.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include that sack of shit with precious little white children.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other with $20 worth of pot.
Alfred Hitchcock famously said every scene in a movie should include not a single lion with no wheelchair access.

 
 
2017 Oct 30 at 14:41 PDT — Ed. 2017 Oct 30 at 14:44 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Flushing and running
v

The TSA has made new rules mandating flushing and running on every commercial flight.
While you’re at the store can you pick up flushing and running, in family size?
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about flushing and running.
I heard you were talking about flushing and running so I had to come over!
I ordered exact science privately over the Internet so I can get better at flushing and running.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore flushing and running in a very realistic way.

 
 
2017 Oct 31 at 23:42 PDT — Ed. 2017 Oct 31 at 23:43 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
A lamprey hanging of the end
n

Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of glittery eyelashes in history, rode into battle atop a lamprey hanging of the end.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a lamprey hanging of the end emerged.
Ich bin ein a lamprey hanging of the end.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a lamprey hanging of the end in the sky.
The cruiseliner struck a lamprey hanging of the end and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with your greasy food hole.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in a lamprey hanging of the end in the middle of each intersection.

 
 
2017 Nov 1 at 00:19 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
An egg that's always been there
n

Pool rules: No running. No having peed. Keep an egg that's always been there out of the deep end.
If mom hears us talking about an egg that's always been there we’ll be SO grounded!
Hatred for children torture” may be cruel but it’s worth it to get an egg that's always been there from a suspected terrorist.
I noticed symptoms of shitting a bowling ball, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s an egg that's always been there!” but I’m not sure.
They didn’t have an egg that's always been there at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed tasteful blackface.
Ugh. I ate an egg that's always been there last night and I’ve been trying to put on the female form all morning.

 
 
2017 Nov 1 at 00:20 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
A pat of butter
n

The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for a pat of butter.
Life without love is like a pat of butter without ointment or fruit.
In this game you get to collect kids these days and craft a pat of butter.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a pat of butter, but with two or three caterpillars!
Ich bin ein a pat of butter.
My wife is WAY better at a pat of butter than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years

 
 
2017 Nov 1 at 00:24 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
News flash:   *is*  .
Play 2

News flash: a complete wimp *is* motor control.
News flash: leaking out my bum *is* kicking the door down.
News flash: a male prostitute *is* a box for your poop.
News flash: loose teeth *is* what Mom made.
News flash: just me, by myself *is* the white man’s burden.
News flash: power of attorney *is* Jesus Christ.


 
 
2017 Nov 1 at 00:25 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
I woke up with  {n} lying on me.

I woke up with a wet tongue lying on me.
I woke up with a horse’s mouth lying on me.
I woke up with an earthworm lying on me.
I woke up with five full-time chefs lying on me.
I woke up with a sack of otters lying on me.
I woke up with freewill lying on me.

 
 
2017 Nov 1 at 04:32 PDT — Ed. 2017 Nov 2 at 14:21 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
My entire body, inside and out
nc

My wife printed me a certifcate for my entire body, inside and out. I’m excited for tonight!
The HOA says I can’t raise a flea on my property. Meanwhile no word about my entire body, inside and out at the Jones’s!
The media’s nonstop coverage of my entire body, inside and out is just to distract us from a Hot Pocket®.
The cruiseliner struck a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with my entire body, inside and out.
Back in my day, we only had a hurtling space rock for my entire body, inside and out and we LIKED IT.
The sign at the fountain says not to throw my entire body, inside and out in.

 
 
2017 Nov 2 at 10:49 PDT — Ed. 2017 Nov 2 at 10:49 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
The quest for the ultimate Kevin Spacey card continues:

Getting climbed on by Kevin Spacey
v

Don’t be getting climbed on by Kevin Spacey alone! Join the Getting Climbed on by Kevin Spacey Club and do it with others.
I didn’t mean to start getting climbed on by Kevin Spacey, it just happened!
At the new circus in town, three jugglers throw each other a watermelon owned by a black man, while a man is getting climbed on by Kevin Spacey on a galloping horse.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with getting climbed on by Kevin Spacey.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “getting climbed on by Kevin Spacey,” over and over again while in use.
You evaded my “Getting Climbed on by Kevin Spacey” attack! Most impressive.



Getting diddled by Kevin Spacey
v

The Super Buttsex Arena can only be killed by getting diddled by Kevin Spacey.
I think a lot of people would pay to see getting diddled by Kevin Spacey.
This workplace has gone (0) days without getting diddled by Kevin Spacey.
What the quick-set cement department lacks in selection, we make up for in getting diddled by Kevin Spacey.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Getting Diddled by Kevin Spacey!
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was getting diddled by Kevin Spacey and tried to attack it.



Kevin Spacey's bad-touch hand
n

Look, man, I’m not into Kevin Spacey's bad-touch hand. But $20 is $20.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock Kevin Spacey's bad-touch hand and distended tubes in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking Kevin Spacey's bad-touch hand onto the International Space Station.
Until quite recently, Kevin Spacey's bad-touch hand had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of Kevin Spacey's bad-touch hand.
Kevin Spacey's bad-touch hand in the hand is worth two in the bush.

 
 
2017 Nov 2 at 13:38 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
A 14-year-old near Kevin Spacey
n

The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of a 14-year-old near Kevin Spacey.
You spent all your food-stamps on a 14-year-old near Kevin Spacey?!
NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used a 14-year-old near Kevin Spacey.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! A 14-year-old near Kevin Spacey can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a 14-year-old near Kevin Spacey onto the International Space Station.
How embarrassing! I forget I left a 14-year-old near Kevin Spacey in the foyer.



Telling Kevin Spacey "No!"
v

To change kitty’s litter: grab a wank, dig out any clumps, and refill with telling Kevin Spacey "No!".
In Nevada you can pay for a lady telling Kevin Spacey "No!" with the grossest whiff of minty poot.
No clean towels can only be killed by telling Kevin Spacey "No!".
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore telling Kevin Spacey "No!" in a very realistic way.
My wife is WAY better at telling Kevin Spacey "No!" than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “telling Kevin Spacey "No!"”.

 
 
2017 Nov 2 at 13:40 PDT — Ed. 2017 Nov 2 at 13:41 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Waking up under Kevin Spacey
v

For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, waking up under Kevin Spacey every single day.
The TSA has made new rules mandating waking up under Kevin Spacey on every commercial flight.
Let a motorist host your next party, providing waking up under Kevin Spacey like you’ve never experienced before.
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in waking up under Kevin Spacey together.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of waking up under Kevin Spacey on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
More armies need to incorporate waking up under Kevin Spacey into their uniforms.

 
 
2017 Nov 2 at 13:42 PDT — Ed. 2017 Nov 2 at 13:45 PDT
Signa
2013 Dec 28 • 142
Playing Surgeon Simulator with Jared Fogle
v

Pool rules: No running. No playing Surgeon Simulator with Jared Fogle. Keep a certain je ne sais quoi out of the deep end.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of this spring’s hottest new fashions and a mouthfeel like playing Surgeon Simulator with Jared Fogle.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not playing Surgeon Simulator with Jared Fogle like your brother?”
Alexander also named a city in India “Playing Surgeon Simulator with Jared Fogle” after his dead horse.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember playing Surgeon Simulator with Jared Fogle?”
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like playing Surgeon Simulator with Jared Fogle.

 
 
2017 Nov 3 at 17:31 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 307
11 ₧
Man who knew   were so much work? They’re just like  .
Play 2

Man who knew sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt were so much work? They’re just like Satan’s latest abomination.
Man who knew mandibles were so much work? They’re just like giving good solid advice.
Man who knew a little piece of shit were so much work? They’re just like a tattered jockstrap.
Man who knew a dust bunny were so much work? They’re just like throwing a 9 year old.
Man who knew one more were so much work? They’re just like mood enhancing hormones.
Man who knew Gene Simmons’ tongue were so much work? They’re just like nothing at all.



Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements:  ,  ,  
Play 3

Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: an enhanced interrogation, cuddling, 50 years
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: proving she’s a witch, Mexican forces, no more joy
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: the white man, going as deep as possible, a jackhammer
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: hot, sweaty, wall-slamming sex, a human-sized harness, a harbor for your unclean thoughts
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: both ends, taking it hard, such grace
Your character design is a mess. Just look at all the conflicting elements: gettin’ all up close, S&M gear, tunneling around



This is the story of how   invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find  .
Play 2

This is the story of how being attacked by a skeleton invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find swamp ass.
This is the story of how my beautiful, transgender father invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find tainted love.
This is the story of how running around slamming doors invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find little turds everywhere.
This is the story of how shaking invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find Oprah’s smile.
This is the story of how getting wrapped around a tree invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find breast meat.
This is the story of how dinosaurs invades a foreign land, kills the local leadership, then struggles to find claws.



Friends ask to use  . Winners get paid to use  
Play 2

Friends ask to use secret Jews. Winners get paid to use all white moms
Friends ask to use the collar around my neck. Winners get paid to use the dark place of eternal stillness
Friends ask to use great tits. Winners get paid to use girl problems
Friends ask to use taking a flying leap. Winners get paid to use curious bisexuals
Friends ask to use a gay vagina. Winners get paid to use suggesting a murder
Friends ask to use a wet tongue. Winners get paid to use crush beast



Missed connections: You were  . I was  ,   as you hurried towards your destination.
Play 3

Missed connections: You were the only thing left. I was sinking into the mud, getting hella preggers as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were biking down the Luxor. I was letting her in, cooter muscles as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were sinuses. I was a penis and a vagina, a piñata full of cigarettes as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were blowing in my ear. I was a shotgun, a shovel, and a backyard, a big bomb as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were popping out of the ground. I was the last breath of a dying man, running with a floppy, out-of-control hand as you hurried towards your destination.
Missed connections: You were farting like a bagpipe. I was a respected neurosurgeon, an extremely uncomfortable mattress as you hurried towards your destination.



It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on  .

It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on seduction.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on an ankle holster.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on fictitious queer same sex transformation.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on real, actual witchcraft.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on the orbital socket.
It’s a little known fact that snapping turtles relish the chance to chomp on not noticing.



The tragic story of a love triangle between  ,  , and  .
Play 3

The tragic story of a love triangle between brimming with babies, a heron, and a honey bee’s brain.
The tragic story of a love triangle between a face-hugger, half a spider, and a boy with a penis.
The tragic story of a love triangle between feeling fat and sassy, a gynecological procedure, and pandering to the normies.
The tragic story of a love triangle between a needle, getting all fucked up on PCP, and many people.
The tragic story of a love triangle between a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other, a bullet hole, and getting impregnated by an advanced robot.
The tragic story of a love triangle between baseless hatred, a bad chicken, and beautiful girl hair.



You've got  , and  , and  . All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
Play 3

You've got Dad’s money, and pregnancy, and a twisted horror body creeping down the stairs. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got any decent person, and another way in, and this worthless orphan. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got barely any swag, and very expensive gelato, and a deathbed. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got squirting acid, and an Easy-Bake™ oven, and the caboose of a mantrain. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got heavy hearts, and something equivalent, and godless heathens. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.
You've got doing it again, and a special little fuck, and landlady bosoms. All things you’d find on the shelf of a twelve year old boy’s room in 1996.




Robot vaginas
np

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience robot vaginas like I was really there.
Men, like a censor bar, go farthest when they are robot vaginas.
No more robot vaginas at Starbucks.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find robot vaginas so relaxing.
More armies need to incorporate robot vaginas into their uniforms.
I think a lot of people would pay to see robot vaginas.



Real vaginas
np

I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about harsh chemicals and real vaginas. Should I talk to him?
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but real vaginas.
Ever since the incident with real vaginas I’ve been haunted by automated mechanized death.
Real vaginas is the only way to say goodbye.
Work BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM up until frothing before spreading across real vaginas, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
I tried to sneak out of the store with an eyebrow under one arm and real vaginas down my pants.



The Barbarella bondage lien of apparel
nc

We can’t ALL get away with treating women like the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel happens.
I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel down the gopher holes.
During my driving test, I backed my car into the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel. I still got an 85!
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with the Barbarella bondage lien of apparel and are ordered to be my hot little hands no matter what.



Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™
n

At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™. That’s supposed to help me with aged beef?!
Ugh. I ate Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™ last night and I’ve been trying to put on insane shoes all morning.
For my last meal I want Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™ seasoned lightly with a leak.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™ removed from her and an email removed from me.
Furious that I was being kicked repeatedly in the head into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism ™.



An exit strategy
n

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with an exit strategy.
I don’t need love because I’m an exit strategy. Sorry mom!
What the orgies department lacks in selection, we make up for in an exit strategy.
When the suspect’s car crashed, an exit strategy launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a very hot pan
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of an exit strategy vibrating my pineal gland.
Today I bought an exit strategy from the back of a van. They also threw in the instructions, which I didn’t even think was legal.



Copious amounts of drool
np

I couldn’t see the eclipse because of copious amounts of drool in the sky.
I like truck stop sex like I like my coffee: being unfit to even live, put in a sack, and dragged across copious amounts of drool.
Shepherds in Scotland have used Woman 2.0 for years to keep the flock from copious amounts of drool.
The HOA says I can’t raise copious amounts of drool on my property. Meanwhile no word about spinning blades at the Jones’s!
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate copious amounts of drool.
Always hold on to copious amounts of drool to remember me.



An eye patch with gems
n

I was so surprised to see salt that an eye patch with gems fell out of my mouth.
Pundits agree it will take an eye patch with gems for the senator to win the election.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: An Eye Patch with Gems Blast!
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am an eye patch with gems. Would you like to try our new special, Angelina Jolie’s lips?
Every French soldier carries an eye patch with gems in his knapsack.
We put an eye patch with gems in your tea!



Cyborg eyes
np

How embarrassing! I forget I left cyborg eyes in the foyer.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see cyborg eyes spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw cyborg eyes overboard!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw cyborg eyes in the mirror! And it smelled like alien parasite larvae in there! I’m so scared!
You evaded my “Cyborg Eyes” attack! Most impressive.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about cyborg eyes, but with dope!



Lasers
np

I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have lasers.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind before lasers.
I came with overzealous product placement to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought lasers so nobody even noticed!
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about lasers?
Apparently, “Lasers” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
You spent all your food-stamps on lasers?!



Glittery romantic vampires
np

In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of glittery romantic vampires.
At the coffee shop they put “glittery romantic vampires” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
When the stadium was demolished it revealed glittery romantic vampires, bringing onlookers from far and wide.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking glittery romantic vampires onto the International Space Station.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than glittery romantic vampires.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of glittery romantic vampires in the soil.



That Which Must Not Be Named
nc

The Great Wall was actually built to keep That Which Must Not Be Named out of mainland China.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, That Which Must Not Be Named emerged.
James Bond will return in “The Man With That Which Must Not Be Named”!
When I get older, I don’t want to be That Which Must Not Be Named.
Let my salvation host your next party, providing That Which Must Not Be Named like you’ve never experienced before.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not That Which Must Not Be Named like your brother?”



Heterosexual sex in the missionary position
nc

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to heterosexual sex in the missionary position.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with heterosexual sex in the missionary position.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in heterosexual sex in the missionary position in the middle of each intersection.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still heterosexual sex in the missionary position!
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with heterosexual sex in the missionary position! It’s all here in my manifesto!
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me heterosexual sex in the missionary position and it’s getting weird.



A small, elderly man
n

A small, elderly man really messes up my butt complexion!
The referee just issued a red card to a small, elderly man for sliding into hot babes.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a small, elderly man.
I was surprised to find bones in a small, elderly man. Is that normal?
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “A-small-elderly-man-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving Donald Trump’s family.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a small, elderly man.



An immediately perceptible air of sadness
n

10% of all proceeds from sales of an immediately perceptible air of sadness will go to The My Arm That Fell Asleep Foundation.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for an immediately perceptible air of sadness.
What will we do with an immediately perceptible air of sadness early in the morning?
At spring training a foul ball bounced off a ripcord in the stands and then knocked an immediately perceptible air of sadness off competitive masturbation.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: An immediately perceptible air of sadness; lying on the floor, cheering; birth meat.
I buried my treasure under an immediately perceptible air of sadness so you’d never find it!



An exceptionally lively, intelligent face
n

Oh no! Obama put an exceptionally lively, intelligent face in the water to turn a 57-foot-diameter tunnel boring machine gay!
I need a hotel room with an exceptionally lively, intelligent face, and I need spines brought to me every four hours.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “an exceptionally lively, intelligent face.”
4 out of 5 doctors recommend an exceptionally lively, intelligent face.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with an exceptionally lively, intelligent face.
The Sword of Damocles was an exceptionally lively, intelligent face hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.



A snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs
n

Sir! We are out of battery acid, but we found a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs, but now for work I’m acting like a child. Go figure!
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.
In this 15th century painting, motor control is represented by a man with a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs for a head.
Ich bin ein a snappy dressing dame with a lot of legs.



A slumping, green-skinned hairbeast
n

I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast.
My pharmacist separated a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a little surprise incest.
I was vacuuming when I sucked a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a sexy, but stylish full turn came out too!
A slumping, green-skinned hairbeast gets me into some awkward situations. But not a bear has always got my back.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a slumping, green-skinned hairbeast.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Slumping, Green-skinned Hairbeast” syndrome!



Cumming while crying
vt

At the Amazon Go store you can grab love handles and walk right out the door without cumming while crying.
Evander Holyfield’s ear travelled over 20 feet after cumming while crying.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on cumming while crying.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for cumming while crying!
In Kentucky stores can’t sell turkey tacos after 8pm, or on holidays like Cumming While Crying Day.
When a robot dinosaur is ready, cumming while crying will appear.



Skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows
v

In a world with a line skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows, one man must overcome getting off. Coming this summer.
The survey team detected skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows at the work site so I threw Satan’s dark little snatch in my truck and drove straight there.
To change kitty’s litter: grab door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes, dig out any clumps, and refill with skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows.
This year’s hottest new fashion is skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows on your head.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows on the freeway.
My school is throwing the things I’m hiding in my basement party this weekend. Come for skulking in alleyways and casting menacing shadows. Stay for the white man’s burden!



Detectives and dragons
np

Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to detectives and dragons, even before I put on my clothes.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS DETECTIVES AND DRAGONS STANDING IN LINE AT COSTCO.”
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of just not much food and a Fedex full of detectives and dragons.
Her inheritance was squandered upon detectives and dragons while Cinderella was abused and forced to become a dumpster fire in her own home.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded detectives and dragons and now I’m having trouble with rhythmic pounding.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was detectives and dragons.



A power-armored knight
n

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a power-armored knight.
I love your necklace! It’s a power-armored knight, right?
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of llama spit, literal sugar tits, and a power-armored knight.
I’m getting a power-armored knight installed in my car, so I can be unbelievably beautiful hair while I drive.
At Boeing R&D, we test earwig pincers by subjecting it to a power-armored knight and blasts of energy.
The water tower looks like it’s a power-armored knight from this angle.



Cleavage
nc

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw cleavage for the first time!
Daddy! There’s cleavage under my bed. Kill it kill it!
Although moving away from cleavage proved effective for schools, the switch to being in the way initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about cleavage.
Ok, I’ll admit cleavage might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in hog dander.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate cleavage to prepare for a mission to mars.



An eighteen year old girl
n

The city council wants to cut down on an eighteen year old girl. Meanwhile people are freely huddling in the corner!
I’m late to my meeting for an eighteen year old girl.
There’s always time for an eighteen year old girl before breakfast.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with an eighteen year old girl!”
Alexander also named a city in India “An Eighteen Year Old Girl” after his dead horse.
While I was out the Roomba got into an eighteen year old girl and was falling in love with a white girl.



A hundred year old guy
n

The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put a hundred year old guy in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
This land is torturing your family land, this land is a hundred year old guy land.
While you’re at the store can you pick up a hundred year old guy, in family size?
These special lenses help colorblind people see that a hundred year old guy is allowing babies to starve while you gorge.
On the assembly line we heat a hundred year old guy to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is sewing it shut.
When you two are done writhing on the floor and screaming my name, can we please get a hundred year old guy and get out of here?!



A dog
n

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a dog.
No thanks. My doctor said a dog makes defecation painful.
Love produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a dog to keep warm.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy a dog from dispensaries.
I heard you were talking about a dog so I had to come over!
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a dog and I think I believe her!



The wrong Dracula
n

I found out why I’m always sick... they found the wrong Dracula in the walls at my office.
If my neighbor doesn’t get the wrong Dracula off my property, I’m calling the cops!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on the wrong Dracula.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Wrong Dracula.
I’m gonna prove the link between the wrong Dracula and turning tricks on the street corner! You’ll all see!
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into the wrong Dracula before being a bad little boy.



Your definition of cool
nc

The cineplex has been using your definition of cool in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
The rich aroma of your definition of cool, from the hills of Colombia.
Back in my day, we only had machine gun fire for your definition of cool and we LIKED IT.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with your definition of cool.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began your definition of cool.
The White House will no longer enforce The Your Definition of Cool Act of 1959. Thank God.


What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Nov 4 at 22:51 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 307
11 ₧
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it  .

The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it lurching about in the yard.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it a well-oiled machine.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it the thing hanging out of my butt.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it a sloppy blowjob.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it quitting Facebook.
The ancient Chinese had a name for it: Feng Shui. We call it turkey gravy.



Partially exposed underbuns
np

After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “partially exposed underbuns
In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped partially exposed underbuns in the toilet and touched a sex-addicted panda on the wall.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and partially exposed underbuns coming right at us. Please advise.
The terrorists will execute partially exposed underbuns every 20 minutes until they receive what I’ve done.
Ok, I’ll admit partially exposed underbuns might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in my shadow.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Partially exposed underbuns can increase your breast size in three weeks!



Nonlinear genetics
np

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate nonlinear genetics.
For my last meal I want nonlinear genetics seasoned lightly with teen spirit.
More armies need to incorporate nonlinear genetics into their uniforms.
Monopoly: Racist Bullshit Edition comes with swindling queers and nonlinear genetics instead of houses and hotels.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Respected Neurosurgeon” and it helps me with nonlinear genetics.
Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other, are the passages for nonlinear genetics to flow.



Superstring theory
v

Superstring theory while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of getting fat.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was superstring theory.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep superstring theory out of mainland China.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw superstring theory flavor and then the whole bottle of sleeping pills flavor.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s curious bisexuals in love with superstring theory very much they do a... special hug.”
A coma travelled over 20 feet after superstring theory.



The sickness unto death
n

This food is so good it’s making the sickness unto death quiver!
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned the sickness unto death. As a result, his men were well motivated.
Always hold on to the sickness unto death to remember me.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with the sickness unto death.
The fire department came around and complained that we had too many pendulous breasts plugged into the sickness unto death.
When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with the sickness unto death!”



An especially stupid 5-year old
n

I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about an especially stupid 5-year old and my skin. Should I talk to him?
Politics. The Bacteria, Fish Eggs, and Zooplankton Party, is always trying to shove an extra kid down our throats. This time it’s an especially stupid 5-year old.
This year’s hottest new fashion is an especially stupid 5-year old on your head.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember an especially stupid 5-year old?”
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl on Katy Perry’s kitty, Kitty Purry, or even some kind of an especially stupid 5-year old scene.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: an especially stupid 5-year old.



My lesbian experience with loneliness
nc

If my lesbian experience with loneliness were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on my lesbian experience with loneliness.
How embarrassing! I forget I left my lesbian experience with loneliness in the foyer.
Go, go, Gadget My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness!
Back in my day, we only had honey for my lesbian experience with loneliness and we LIKED IT.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found my lesbian experience with loneliness.


What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Nov 4 at 23:12 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Hunting white people
v

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a crusty dish rag, with hunting white people around the edges, and a velvet fist on top.
Ever since the incident with the president’s helicopter I’ve been haunted by hunting white people.
I noticed symptoms of hunting white people, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s this half of the planet!” but I’m not sure.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “hunting white people,” with a picture of a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim.
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for mistreating the clitoris and to avoid hunting white people.
They said hunting white people was out of my league, but look at me now! I’ve got hunting white people out the ears!

 
 
2017 Nov 6 at 14:46 PST
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Louis CK blocking the door
v

Experts said that based on preliminary data, Louis CK blocking the door appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of Louis CK blocking the door.
My nightly ritual involves Louis CK blocking the door, a thick layer of frosting, and finally a syringe of Tabasco just as I fall asleep.
Louis CK blocking the door nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid a deathbed.
I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will tickle Louis CK blocking the door.
There’s always time for Louis CK blocking the door before breakfast.



Louis CK blocking the door and jerking off
v

My girlfriend kicked crack, and now she’s Louis CK blocking the door and jerking off. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
If I had Louis CK blocking the door and jerking off, you’d be getting infected!
Louis CK blocking the door and jerking off is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
Don’t look at me while I’m Louis CK blocking the door and jerking off! It messes me up!
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn the measure of a man, but now for work I’m Louis CK blocking the door and jerking off. Go figure!
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about Louis CK blocking the door and jerking off.

 
 
2017 Nov 9 at 14:06 PST
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Initiating a sexual encounter
v

At the winery tour we saw how they put such grace and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like initiating a sexual encounter.
To change kitty’s litter: grab oil-covered birds, dig out any clumps, and refill with initiating a sexual encounter.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by initiating a sexual encounter.
Initiating a sexual encounter is burning my junk in the ocean of life!
Initiating a sexual encounter is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
If initiating a sexual encounter were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!

 
 
2017 Nov 9 at 14:36 PST
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 307
11 ₧
A tiny crack pipe
n

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a tiny crack pipe.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of all the food in history, rode into battle atop a tiny crack pipe.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A TINY CRACK PIPE SHITTING A BOWLING BALL.”
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a tiny crack pipe, score points by serving humanity, and a Turkish wedding shall not be on the field.
If a tiny crack pipe were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a tiny crack pipe.



What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Nov 11 at 15:06 PST
Taylor
2016 Apr 30 • 109
Vladimir Putin's puddin pop
nc

USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being Vladimir Putin's puddin pop.
If you’re interested in my services, email me at: a-condom-with-johnny-depp-s-face-on-it@vladimir-putins-puddin-pop.biz
The fire department came around and complained that we had too many baby eels plugged into Vladimir Putin's puddin pop.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me Vladimir Putin's puddin pop.
The cruiseliner struck five full-time chefs and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with Vladimir Putin's puddin pop.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Vladimir Putin's Puddin Pop” and it helps me with shooting a rabbit with an arrow.

 
 
2017 Nov 11 at 18:25 PST