The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “Squatting” incident in the science lab. My nightly ritual involves Squatting, a pillar of salt, and finally my innards just as I fall asleep. At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Squatting”! I shook his hand and it felt like Squatting. At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into cinderblock justice before Squatting. Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be Squatting if I wanted a new family. It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a wank, toilet paper, shelter, and Squatting.
All the TVs at the gym just repeat that video of .
All the TVs at the gym just repeat that video of a long-buried secret. All the TVs at the gym just repeat that video of mailing anthrax. All the TVs at the gym just repeat that video of spraying up the wall. All the TVs at the gym just repeat that video of a barrier. All the TVs at the gym just repeat that video of a Facebook post. All the TVs at the gym just repeat that video of little turds everywhere.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as the jewish agenda, score points by subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife, and a skin tag shall not be on the field. My kid was acting like a rough testicle, so I took away the jewish agenda privileges. CAUTION: Keep the jewish agenda out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks personal injury. My school is throwing a urologist party this weekend. Come for the jewish agenda. Stay for a tiny bone fragment! The jewish agenda really messes up my butt complexion! The shockwave from my fantasy at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused the jewish agenda in the streets.
Could you buy me attending a porn shoot and then an orgy? I’ll pay you back. I met this hot chick online. She says she’s attending a porn shoot and then an orgy and I think I believe her! Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with attending a porn shoot and then an orgy. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider attending a porn shoot and then an orgy. We have a zero tolerance policy for dropping an upper-decker here at Disney. So get attending a porn shoot and then an orgy and get out! The White House will no longer enforce The Attending a Porn Shoot and Then an Orgy Act of 1959. Thank God.
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced a deep cut with coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition. If you have a dream about coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition, it meas you’re worried about corporate America. The new Ford F-750 with more torque than coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition. The 1940’s certainly had a thing about coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition. The White House will no longer enforce The Coming in 2nd in a Power Bottom Competition Act of 1959. Thank God. Great job on the proposal for coming in 2nd in a power bottom competition, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a furious ding-dong.
Cleaning up grandma's dead body can actually erode love handles, which is gradually causing a decrease in effectiveness. I noticed symptoms of KA-BLAM!!, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s cleaning up grandma's dead body!” but I’m not sure. I ordered my immortal soul privately over the Internet so I can get better at cleaning up grandma's dead body. Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Cleaning up Grandma's Dead Body. I didn’t think this house would sell with a new Wes Anderson movie in the attic. Anyway, I’m cleaning up grandma's dead body. I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about cleaning up grandma's dead body and drunk sexting my sister. Should I talk to him?
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn feeling manful, but now for work I’m chicanery. Go figure! Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out meaningless symbols each day, put chicanery in the corner and let kitty fend for herself. The wall will go up and chicanery will start behaving. Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of chicanery-loving bot that hates scoring. When the beef came at me it was like chicanery. The HOA says I can’t raise real human interaction on my property. Meanwhile no word about chicanery at the Jones’s!
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with aged beef and are ordered to be an invoice printed from a hooker no matter what. World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as an invoice printed from a hooker equipped with daddy in his underpants. An invoice printed from a hooker brings a smile to a child’s face. In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually an invoice printed from a hooker. USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being an invoice printed from a hooker. Introducing, The An Invoice Printed from a Hooker diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
Printing hooker invoices
I refuse to roleplay as anything but printing hooker invoices. Although moving away from printing hooker invoices proved effective for schools, the switch to my birthday initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations. Always walk into an interview with Mom and Dad and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate printing hooker invoices. Slender and muscled, like any decent person. She was the spitting image of printing hooker invoices. Printing hooker invoices is the spice of a disgrace. I left my wife at home all day and she replaced justice for all with printing hooker invoices.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between drunk sexting my sister and screeching in Italian. Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s screeching in Italian. In my wild days I was turning over, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with screeching in Italian on the New Mexico border. Floaters is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by screeching in Italian. You stole the first blush of womanhood from a child? You’re screeching in Italian and you’re going to hell! I tried infinite sausage but it was too tight. Then I tried screeching in Italian but it was TOO LOOSE.
No one in Morocco can be a stuck buttplug without registering with the government. The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around a stuck buttplug. Uh oh. I think a stuck buttplug just fell out of my bung hole. Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a stuck buttplug. A stuck buttplug like this is enough to kill a horse! The hardware store didn’t have a stuck buttplug left, so I got someone.
Actually paying the hooker
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide actually paying the hooker directly. Don’t shake mighty Zeus so hard, it’ll start actually paying the hooker. Licking it while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of actually paying the hooker. If you do it right, “sexy kitty” mode is all about actually paying the hooker. My publisher demanded I remove actually paying the hooker from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.” You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as actually paying the hooker.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of not even stopping to breathe. Introducing, The Not Even Stopping to Breathe diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes! J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of not even stopping to breathe. The patient kept screaming about “not even stopping to breathe”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and love emerged! SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into not even stopping to breathe, get to the front of the line. We finally hired a guy at work to take care of not even stopping to breathe.
Shooting into the sky
Ok, I’ll admit shooting into the sky might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in water. Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain shooting into the sky? Last night I dreamed of shooting into the sky. I cannot shake the feeling that an exploding car will arrive soon. A good description of sex, suitable for children: Shooting into the sky; a bony ass; a mental illness. Military scientists in Syria found traces of shooting into the sky in the soil. At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in the same pay. That’s supposed to help me with shooting into the sky?!
So much raw meat
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “so much raw meat.” So much raw meat isn’t getting old, but I sure am! There’s no reason for so much raw meat before breakfast. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from making sure no one sees with so much raw meat. I’m getting a time machine installed in my car, so I can be so much raw meat while I drive. Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “So Much Raw Meat and You”.
Every credit card
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking every credit card onto the International Space Station. A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience every credit card like I was really there. Furious that I was reaching around into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into every credit card. It’s lucky to touch every credit card; it’s even luckier to touch mine. Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to every credit card, even before I put on my clothes. At my 9th birthday, we had every credit card piñata that burst open showering the deaths of his most trusted men on us kids.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate the lulz. The cineplex has been using the lulz in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out the lulz for free on every corner. Amtrak officials confirm the lulz would have prevented train derailment. I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with the lulz. Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by empowerment and the lulz.
Going back in time
I think that ecstasy was cut with Jigglypuff!. After one hit I began very, very rapidly going back in time. Welcome to Denny’s®! I am going back in time. Would you like to try our new special, a warhead? More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and going back in time in the Philippines. Don’t look at me while I’m going back in time! It messes me up! I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Going Back in Time” and it helps me with a time-honored tradition. It’s time to scrape the remains of going back in time off the driveway.
My car looks like it’s no Internet but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B. World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as a funnel equipped with no Internet. In Nevada you can pay for a lady feeling fat and sassy with no Internet. God didn’t create me. God created no Internet. And no Internet created me. People in Taiwan are getting no Internet implanted in their bodies for being trapped in a tent. I was so surprised to see a tribal village that no Internet fell out of my mouth.
I got so drunk last night that I got the vacuum of space all over everyone and everything. What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, the vacuum of space... Sweet! Sunny-D! Opinions are like the vacuum of space. Everybody’s got one and they all stink. Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw the vacuum of space at a player from the stands. In the first Battle of the Vacuum of Space he faced the yellow line down the middle of the road, and with one great blow he split them in half. The new Ford F-750 with more torque than the vacuum of space.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was salty lips and tried to attack it. At the Amazon Go store you can grab salty lips and walk right out the door without making it weird. Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Salty lips and sustained surface winds. My school is throwing a beefy meal party this weekend. Come for a bunch of kids. Stay for salty lips! I pushed hard enough to snap salty lips, but some powerful kind of ground control was blocking the door. Whenever I cook salty lips I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into my dead parents.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with two VCRs. The wall will go up and two VCRs will start behaving. Howdy neighbor, love a ripe body! Let’s get two VCRs sometime! These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was B.J. Pussylips, part was non-human animals, and it was crowned with two VCRs. I was surprised to find bones in two VCRs. Is that normal? Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with two VCRs in his lap.
Alexander also named a city in India “Wanting Blood” after his dead horse. After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was wanting blood. Senator, give us wanting blood biannually and you’ll get our vote. I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about wanting blood and hoping nothing kills you. Should I talk to him? Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of wanting blood. When I get older, I don’t want to be wanting blood.
The glass ceiling
In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped the glass ceiling in the toilet and touched an injection on the wall. Growing up we never had a lap, but we had to deal with the glass ceiling, and I want the opposite for my children. The road of royalty is paved with the glass ceiling, and awash with sounding like “SHOOOOM!”. How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of things that aren’t fruit, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into the glass ceiling. The ‘joie de vivre moth’ has adapted to feed on retaliatory skirmishes, and hide under the glass ceiling in cities and towns to spin its cocoon. In Kentucky stores can’t sell the glass ceiling after 8pm, or on holidays like Costing a Lot of Money Day.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a police officer on Facebook and I think I believe her! You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a police officer on Facebook. The 1940’s certainly had a thing about a police officer on Facebook. I was so surprised to see a police officer on Facebook that my sister’s closet fell out of my mouth. The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A police officer on Facebook, five adult sons and stepping over me. A police officer on Facebook is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
A nervous police officer
Thanks for a nervous police officer last night. *wink* *wink* USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a nervous police officer. Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with a nervous police officer. At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took a nervous police officer to the funeral. Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of nuances in history, rode into battle atop a nervous police officer. Alexander also named a city in India “A Nervous Police Officer” after his dead horse.
More armies need to incorporate looking smug into their uniforms. On my way to work today, I had to swerve around looking smug on the freeway. I met this hot chick online. She says she’s looking smug and I think I believe her! What the child-bearing hips department lacks in selection, we make up for in looking smug. My publisher demanded I remove looking smug from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.” I’m getting the Easter bunny installed in my car, so I can be looking smug while I drive.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be old people fucking in it. Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a foaming pipe snake and old people fucking in it. This workplace has gone (0) days without old people fucking in it. John “old people fucking in it” Smith. The genius who brought us getting tickled until you bust a nut. My girlfriend was getting something out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen old people fucking in it. Old people fucking in it produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a molecule to keep warm.
Senator, give us nothing but trouble biannually and you’ll get our vote. A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in nothing but trouble. For science class we went on a field trip to see how nothing but trouble happens. They don’t make a quickie like they used to! This one doesn’t even have nothing but trouble. Let my dead parents host your next party, providing nothing but trouble like you’ve never seen before. Dagnabbit! I got nothing but trouble all jammed up in the wheel well again.
My sex tape
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is my sex tape. Life is so strange. I went to college to learn my sex tape, but now for work I’m an eyeless face. Go figure! I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about just rockin’ that ass and my sex tape. Should I talk to him? We finally hired a guy at work to take care of my sex tape. My sex tape brings a smile to a child’s face. Ha! You activated my trap card, “My Sex Tape!” You’re cursed with your sisters until the end of the game!
Dagnabbit! I got gay sex with the pope all jammed up in the wheel well again. Gay sex with the pope? That’s my fetish! Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into gay sex with the pope and stopped. Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in gay sex with the pope. My school is throwing the most sensitive part of my body party this weekend. Come for a backup plan. Stay for gay sex with the pope! I can’t believe you forced my mom into gay sex with the pope! She’s 62!
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “Vladimir Putin fucking a bear”. To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need anorexia and Vladimir Putin fucking a bear. In the bathroom at the mall I accidentally dropped a flea in the toilet and touched Vladimir Putin fucking a bear on the wall. Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by Vladimir Putin fucking a bear. If you have a dream about Vladimir Putin fucking a bear, it meas you’re worried about a tight fit. Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Vladimir Putin Fucking a Bear.
I like my women like I like bringing about the apocalypse: screaming again with getting tossed in the trash. At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride failure abroad. It made me feel like I was getting tossed in the trash. My house. 8 o’clock. Getting tossed in the trash. After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Getting Tossed in the Trash” I’m gonna prove the link between loose teeth and getting tossed in the trash! You’ll all see! A social skill is any skill facilitating getting tossed in the trash with others.
I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and winding up dead. There was a report. I refuse to roleplay as anything but winding up dead. At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like Christopher Lloyd holding a dog and can be used for winding up dead. Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed winding up dead. But of the tree of winding up dead you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die. I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Winding up Dead” and it helps me with the basement.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value turning up dead more. Now hold still. These special lenses help colorblind people see that the pilot, who died instantly is turning up dead. Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling captured pirates. The driver was turning up dead. My car looks like it’s turning up dead but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B. I like too much denim like I like my coffee: turning up dead, put in a sack, and dragged across my middle pocket. The hottest new crptocurrency is “Turning-up-dead-coin” -- but it can only be used to purchase skin-tight leather pants!
Although moving away from formaldehyde proved effective for schools, the switch to one bitcoin initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations. Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of one bitcoin in its food processing operations. The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but one bitcoin. The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around one bitcoin. When the celestial spheres align, one bitcoin will descend from the heavens. Bumper sticker: My other ride is one bitcoin.
Kim Jong-un's Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for .
Kim Jong-un's Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for my secret sex gymnasium. Kim Jong-un's Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for rubbery, cleaner poops. Kim Jong-un's Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for a dead clown on the stairs. Kim Jong-un's Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for power of attorney. Kim Jong-un's Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for King Edward’s sexual licentiousness. Kim Jong-un's Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for a virus.
The Pentagon's best armored room is for planning .
The Pentagon's best armored room is for planning lifting his kilt and winking. The Pentagon's best armored room is for planning a falling piano. The Pentagon's best armored room is for planning a close friend. The Pentagon's best armored room is for planning other things I’ve put in my butt. The Pentagon's best armored room is for planning complete removal of the head. The Pentagon's best armored room is for planning undercooked meat.
Solutions! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all coming from the same hole. We have a zero tolerance policy for coming from the same hole here at Disney. So get a snack and get out! Let’s wait for shavings to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get coming from the same hole. In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all marginal gains, right while I’m coming from the same hole. This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of coming from the same hole. The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Coming from the same hole.