SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

General — Page 1 2 3 ... 72 73 74 [75] 76 77 78 ... 107 108 109
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
My bisexuality
nc

In the third world, luxuries like my bisexuality are an alien concept, and most people don't even have access to pulsating opposite sexes.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s a Vietnamese landmine in love with my bisexuality very much they do a... special hug.”
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing my bisexuality at cars and passers-by.
The new artsy indie game “A Bargain” is a deeply emotional exploration of my bisexuality.
Jan Sobieski, leading the largest charge of my bisexuality in history, rode into battle atop a lonely old man.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s my bisexuality.

 
 
2017 Jun 4 at 20:37 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
There will be  {n} left over after the bris.

There will be Portuguese possessions left over after the bris.
There will be a thorough examination left over after the bris.
There will be another way to kill me left over after the bris.
There will be a good soak left over after the bris.
There will be a “Hey!” left over after the bris.
There will be no more joy left over after the bris.



Shekels
np

While you’re at the store can you pick up shekels, in family size?
The TSA has made new rules mandating shekels on every commercial flight.
There is no revenge so complete as shekels.
On the assembly line we heat shekels to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is killing.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in shekels. That’s supposed to help me with your husband?!
I ordered shekels privately over the Internet so I can get better at mailing anthrax.

 
 
2017 Jun 4 at 21:00 PDT
Taylor
2016 Apr 30 • 109
I put   in my mouth just to see what would happen.

I put a real butt-toucher in my mouth just to see what would happen.
I put a novelty oversized foam fist in my mouth just to see what would happen.
I put raping an entire family including the dog in my mouth just to see what would happen.
I put wearing a noose to be edgy in my mouth just to see what would happen.
I put the top 3 floors in my mouth just to see what would happen.
I put an Apache raiding party in my mouth just to see what would happen.

 
 
2017 Jun 4 at 21:04 PDT
Taylor
2016 Apr 30 • 109
PeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEnnnnnnnNNNNNNNissssssssssssssssssssss
nc

I beat peeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEnnnnnnnNNNNNNNissssssssssssssssssssss all the time!
During routine surgery, the doctors found peeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEnnnnnnnNNNNNNNissssssssssssssssssssss embedded in my abdomen.
Look, man, I’m not into peeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEnnnnnnnNNNNNNNissssssssssssssssssssss. But $20 is $20.
When I think South America, I think of peeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEnnnnnnnNNNNNNNissssssssssssssssssssss.
The wall will go up and peeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEnnnnnnnNNNNNNNissssssssssssssssssssss will start behaving.
Jesus is peeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEnnnnnnnNNNNNNNissssssssssssssssssssss.

 
 
2017 Jun 4 at 21:43 PDT
Signa
2013 Dec 28 • 142
What is in the microwave?  .

What is in the microwave? throwing a 9 year old.
What is in the microwave? a perverted, unnatural cavern.
What is in the microwave? lethal radiation.
What is in the microwave? a roll of toilet paper.
What is in the microwave? a quiet plop.
What is in the microwave? a surgical rotary saw.

 
 
2017 Jun 4 at 22:53 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 4 at 22:54 PDT
Signa
2013 Dec 28 • 142
Autistic screeching
v

These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was autistic screeching, part was my swollen jaw, and it was crowned with the “swimsuit area”.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for putting on pants and autistic screeching at the assembly line.
See now black people walk like a slut who will do anything. But white people -- white people walk like they’re autistic screeching!
People in Taiwan are getting a reliable source of income implanted in their bodies for autistic screeching.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began autistic screeching in front of his top supporters.
Music without the sounds of autistic screeching is hardly music at all.

 
 
2017 Jun 5 at 00:56 PDT
Signa
2013 Dec 28 • 142
Screeching autistically
v

I saw a big chicken order down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be screeching autistically with us.”
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as screeching autistically.
Great job on the proposal for screeching autistically, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a thump on the head.
Senator, give us screeching autistically biannually and you’ll get our vote.
To change kitty’s litter: grab a shock, dig out any clumps, and refill with screeching autistically.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Screeching Autistically” syndrome!

 
 
2017 Jun 5 at 00:59 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 5 at 01:00 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
Being broadcast live on national TV
v

Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk being broadcast live on national TV.
First you get casting a hex. Then you get being broadcast live on national TV. Then you get shotgunning.
In the public being broadcast live on national TV model, a third-party service provider delivers the being broadcast live on national TV service over the Internet.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is being broadcast live on national TV.
I scream, you scream, being broadcast live on national TV, hate-fucking!
Being broadcast live on national TV is the spice of apocalyptic machinery, just mowing us all down.

 
 
2017 Jun 5 at 13:37 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
Scorpions can shed  {n} in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.

Scorpions can shed my return in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
Scorpions can shed her first marriage in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
Scorpions can shed a bus full of white children in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
Scorpions can shed sentimentality in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
Scorpions can shed a big surprise in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
Scorpions can shed exact science in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.



Being unable to poop
v

Chimps in the wild have been observed using being unable to poop to forage for food.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS THE LITTLE LIES WE TELL BEING UNABLE TO POOP.”
While I was out the Roomba got into a horizontal ass crack and was being unable to poop.
So what I’m saying is we have being unable to poop to thank for Obama’s America.
#being unable to poop-shaming
I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, “Get ready for being unable to poop



Living for another eight months
v

Ok, I’ll admit living for another eight months might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in the final hour.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is living for another eight months.
Life without love is like living for another eight months without our cute little gay faces or fruit.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Living for Another Eight Months Co., tapping into the growing market for getting stepped on by a dominatrix.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for living for another eight months.
I’m getting a horse’s booty installed in my car, so I can be living for another eight months while I drive.

 
 
2017 Jun 5 at 13:50 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
Biting myself
v

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be biting myself.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find biting myself.
Last night I dreamed of biting myself. I cannot shake the feeling that weight loss will arrive soon.
For my last meal I want the president’s helicopter seasoned heavily with biting myself.
Biting myself has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw biting myself for the first time!

 
 
2017 Jun 5 at 13:54 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
Discreetly closing Facebook
v

My nightly ritual involves the hole where the heart once fit, discreetly closing Facebook, and finally a special little fuck just as I fall asleep.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn discreetly closing Facebook, but now for work I’m the master race. Go figure!
Good vibes travelled over 20 feet after discreetly closing Facebook.
While you’re at the store can you pick up discreetly closing Facebook, in family size?
See now black people walk like the jape of the century. But white people -- white people walk like they’re discreetly closing Facebook!
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of my musk-loving bot that hates discreetly closing Facebook.

 
 
2017 Jun 5 at 14:07 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 5 at 14:08 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
Launching a nuke
v

Music without the sounds of launching a nuke is hardly music at all.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw launching a nuke for the first time!
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s launching a nuke.
An Implied Butt is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by launching a nuke.
More armies need to incorporate launching a nuke into their uniforms.
We have a zero tolerance policy for launching a nuke here at Disney. So get jalapeños and get out!

 
 
2017 Jun 5 at 14:10 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 317
11 ₧
The only thing standing in your way is  .

The only thing standing in your way is well-organized orphans.
The only thing standing in your way is a Facebook post.
The only thing standing in your way is sloppy seconds.
The only thing standing in your way is diplomatic support.
The only thing standing in your way is the alpha male.
The only thing standing in your way is floppy, out-of-control boobs.



You can only change your future if you move past  .

You can only change your future if you move past something equivalent.
You can only change your future if you move past an igloo.
You can only change your future if you move past Angelina Jolie’s lips.
You can only change your future if you move past my return.
You can only change your future if you move past a Glasgow smile.
You can only change your future if you move past military-themed porn.



Wolves don’t eat  , and neither should kings.

Wolves don’t eat a flood of emotions, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat tangled memories, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat the chair, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat females with four teats, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat tiny men, and neither should kings.
Wolves don’t eat Satan’s latest abomination, and neither should kings.



  is where   goes to die.
Play 2

a remarkably swift recovery is where my salvation goes to die.
exhuming is where a segmented penis goes to die.
a horizontal ass crack is where a certain je ne sais quoi goes to die.
a life preserver is where “sexy kitty” mode goes to die.
a deflating balloon is where a big donkey goes to die.
farting like a bagpipe is where a single slice goes to die.



  will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.

a time machine will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
my feelings will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
firing off the squibs too early will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
the measure of a man will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
a real sonuvabitch will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.
a chunk will mend your wounds. It takes two days, though.



You’re  , but you need  .
Play 2

You’re an orbital laser satellite, but you need another leopard.
You’re my hood, but you need gourmet drinking chocolate.
You’re black power, but you need an enjoyable life.
You’re mouth to mouth pig ribs, but you need slipping some handcuffs under the door.
You’re an itchy shirt tag, but you need pooping for four hours a day.
You’re a conventional man, but you need expectorating some sludge.



 ? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.

crossing a moral boundary? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
purple stuff? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
a robot face? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
diddling? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
sex toy directions? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.
strands of my darling’s hair? I’m not interested! I can do the job on my own.



Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about   and  ?
Play 2

Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about a little piece of shit and Donald Trump’s family?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about the killing of educated adults and techniques?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about all our faces and extra padding for my butt?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about a falling tree and leftover McDonald’s®?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about no wheelchair access and the Lord?
Be honest: how many times have you dreamt about a jet of hot air and every part of the buffalo?



If you're  , I think you have slipped up somewhere.

If you're our desire, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're a better place now, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're wearing a noose to be edgy, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're the “swimsuit area”, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're concerning news, I think you have slipped up somewhere.
If you're alien parasite larvae, I think you have slipped up somewhere.



That kind of attitude is why we have   now.

That kind of attitude is why we have jammin’ bodies in the juicer now.
That kind of attitude is why we have bloodlust now.
That kind of attitude is why we have baking onto the sidewalk now.
That kind of attitude is why we have pulsating opposite sexes now.
That kind of attitude is why we have riding your bike down the Luxor now.
That kind of attitude is why we have racial superiority now.



You know this date is ending with  .

You know this date is ending with Walt Disney’s preserved ass cheeks.
You know this date is ending with a prepaid Visa™.
You know this date is ending with a bullet hole.
You know this date is ending with even more bees.
You know this date is ending with stuff Asians like.
You know this date is ending with a dense woolly undercoat over the chest.



People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about  . Much like Star Wars.

People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about the basement. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about sudden nudity. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about hotboxing a cat. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about just plain racism. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about a lasting mark. Much like Star Wars.
People tend to forget that the American Civil War was about evading capture. Much like Star Wars.



I don't think that even comes close to being  .

I don't think that even comes close to being body parts of celebrities.
I don't think that even comes close to being being nude, spread eagle toward the sun.
I don't think that even comes close to being all the air in the room.
I don't think that even comes close to being a rope tied round my leg.
I don't think that even comes close to being hotdog grade “meat”.
I don't think that even comes close to being up in it.



Last night was the tragic result of  

Last night was the tragic result of sugar from my father
Last night was the tragic result of headroom
Last night was the tragic result of a thorough examination
Last night was the tragic result of like a vial of meth smoke, but not
Last night was the tragic result of a bucket of amniotic fluid
Last night was the tragic result of white people and their fucking problems



It’s a little known fact that   and   contain the same number of particles.
Play 2

It’s a little known fact that a lucky toss and the ’80s contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that relaxing and letting it roll down your leg and what you did to my face contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that the royal baby and violently crashing down the stairs contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that being bred in captivity and one night in Bangkok contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that a mafia hitman and making sure no one sees contain the same number of particles.
It’s a little known fact that subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife and a security guard contain the same number of particles.



Scientists are constantly discovering  .

Scientists are constantly discovering the world’s fastest pump.
Scientists are constantly discovering acts of piracy.
Scientists are constantly discovering lady business.
Scientists are constantly discovering a bitter rivalry.
Scientists are constantly discovering anorexia.
Scientists are constantly discovering answers to all of life’s questions.

What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Jun 5 at 18:54 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 5 at 18:55 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 317
11 ₧
A live boner
n

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for a live boner?
God didn’t create me. God created a live boner. And a live boner created me.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but a live boner.
Free exotic crabs for adoption (trained!) produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a live boner to keep warm.
In my wild days I was rubbing my gland, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a live boner on the New Mexico border.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s a live boner.



A dead boner
n

Whenever I cook a stretch I drop a little on the floor. It’s building up into a dead boner.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a dead boner sticking to the wall.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a dead boner, but now for work I’m leaving nothing sacred. Go figure!
Help! I’m a dead boner and I need YOU to do something about it!
Life without love is like a dead boner without some dead guy’s money or fruit.
Man invented a dead boner, so woman invented that urpy feeling like when you eat too much.



The strangest missed connections ad on craigslist
n

Pool rules: No running. No hot sparks. Keep the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist out of the deep end.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist. I barely even felt thick fingers.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist to prepare for a mission to mars.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought of using too much wiggling to treat the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist!
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by the strangest missed connections ad on craigslist.



Phosphorescent death ghosts
np

Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed phosphorescent death ghosts up and down the highway.
I make butt gas for my cat by popping out of the ground with phosphorescent death ghosts. Oreo loves it!
Thanks for phosphorescent death ghosts last night. *wink* *wink*
I left my wife at home all day and she replaced flimsy toilet paper with phosphorescent death ghosts.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s my black son, with phosphorescent death ghosts around the edges, and a wet burst on top.
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Phosphorescent Death Ghosts



Bring a knife to a fistfight
v

How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of amputated eyelids, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into bring a knife to a fistfight.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find bring a knife to a fistfight so relaxing.
In the public bring a knife to a fistfight model, a third-party service provider delivers the bring a knife to a fistfight service over the Internet.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw bring a knife to a fistfight.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always bring a knife to a fistfight. Always.
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain bring a knife to a fistfight?



Burning my slave castle
v

I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find burning my slave castle.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about a lab-grown testicle for a wounded soldier, but with burning my slave castle!
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was my unwanted child, part was burning my slave castle, and it was crowned with a human face.
The new artsy indie game “Mandibles” is a deeply emotional exploration of burning my slave castle.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, burning my slave castle every single day.
While I was out the Roomba got into the “treasure box” and was burning my slave castle.



Being friendzoned for the last time
v

For science class we went on a field trip to see how being friendzoned for the last time happens.
Being friendzoned for the last time has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than being friendzoned for the last time.
Ever since the incident with a well-rehearsed lie I’ve been haunted by being friendzoned for the last time.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate being friendzoned for the last time.
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all killers, right while I’m being friendzoned for the last time.



Heritage, not hate
nc

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Heritage, Not Hate.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to heritage, not hate.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be heritage, not hate if I wanted a new family.
The shockwave from struggling with a police officer at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused heritage, not hate in the streets.
It’s not delivery. It’s heritage, not hate.
You stole heritage, not hate from a child? You’re my VERY jealous, protective pet spider and you’re going to hell!



A gangster from Chicago who wants sex
n

There is no revenge so complete as a gangster from Chicago who wants sex.
The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as a gangster from Chicago who wants sex and comes with 1 USB-C port and a big bomb! Groovy!
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a gangster from Chicago who wants sex in its food processing operations.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a gangster from Chicago who wants sex.
The cineplex has been using a gangster from Chicago who wants sex in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
Meatball marinara can only be killed by a gangster from Chicago who wants sex.



New and shitty things about dinosaurs
np

I ordered new and shitty things about dinosaurs privately over the Internet so I can get better at being picked.
Last Christmas, I gave you new and shitty things about dinosaurs. The very next day, you gave it away.
I just dug up a deflating balloon in my backyard! I had no idea this place had new and shitty things about dinosaurs.
Until quite recently, new and shitty things about dinosaurs had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
1) A robot may not injure new and shitty things about dinosaurs, or through inaction allow new and shitty things about dinosaurs to come to harm.
If you do it right, new and shitty things about dinosaurs is all about the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic.



Getting attacked by a garbage truck
v

I scream, you scream, getting attacked by a garbage truck, seeing my penis twice!
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include getting attacked by a garbage truck spice, a blinding flash of insight spice, and a stink bug spice!
Happiness: Hip-hop specifically made for white people, existential ennui, and getting attacked by a garbage truck.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “getting attacked by a garbage truck.”
No more getting attacked by a garbage truck at Starbucks.
On the assembly line we heat fresh young minds to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is getting attacked by a garbage truck.



Being almost naked and attacked by animals
v

Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with being almost naked and attacked by animals.
For my last meal I want extra padding for my butt seasoned heavily with being almost naked and attacked by animals.
Being almost naked and attacked by animals nearly killed me in my dream. I think it's my brain telling me to avoid crashing out of a window.
Could you buy me being almost naked and attacked by animals? I’ll pay you back.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into being dragged by the neck, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start being almost naked and attacked by animals.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “being almost naked and attacked by animals” incident in the science lab.



THUNDERDOME
n

We can’t ALL get away with treating women like THUNDERDOME.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took THUNDERDOME to the funeral.
I reached expectantly into THUNDERDOME, but found only a radical student.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A night of unrestrained passion and THUNDERDOME.
Senator, give us THUNDERDOME biannually and you’ll get our vote.
When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add THUNDERDOME to the pan, while stirring constantly.



Ubiquitous laser sounds
np

Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and ubiquitous laser sounds came rolling after him, but he escaped by violating the rules of war!
You can’t get ubiquitous laser sounds big enough or a crack long enough to suit me.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with ubiquitous laser sounds.
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be jerking it and where does ubiquitous laser sounds come in?
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on ubiquitous laser sounds.
Monopoly: Purple Stuff Edition comes with ubiquitous laser sounds and beef curtains instead of houses and hotels.



Hamburgers on pizzas
np

At the Amazon Go store you can grab hamburgers on pizzas and walk right out the door without using advanced Kama Sutra techniques.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be hamburgers on pizzas while I’m filthy underpants!
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always hamburgers on pizzas just around the corner.
I love your necklace! It’s hamburgers on pizzas, right?
A social skill is any skill facilitating hamburgers on pizzas with others.
The survey team detected hamburgers on pizzas at the work site so I threw the latest fad in my truck and drove straight there.



A vampire resorting to laser blasters
n

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s a vampire resorting to laser blasters.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a vampire resorting to laser blasters that overturned their car.
I looked up “a vampire resorting to laser blasters” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a clever bastard.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to a vampire resorting to laser blasters.
Back in my day, we only had terminal illness for a vampire resorting to laser blasters and we LIKED IT.
When the beef came at me it was like a vampire resorting to laser blasters.



A sexy babe with attitude
n

The authorities followed the trail of a sexy babe with attitude, leading them straight to the suspect.
Howdy neighbor, love a sexy babe with attitude! Let’s get the coming race war sometime!
The transferred sperm cells are kept in a sexy babe with attitude, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
In future times, the children will work together to build a sexy babe with attitude.
This new Mario game is weird. You need this spring’s hottest new fashions to attack goombas and coins are exclusively for buying a sexy babe with attitude.
The ‘insurrection moth’ has adapted to feed on heartlessness, and hide under a sexy babe with attitude in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.



The carnage of a massacre
n

Aron Ralston was trapped under the carnage of a massacre for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off a garbage disposal!
My house. 8 o’clock. The carnage of a massacre.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the carnage of a massacre.
They don’t make bourbon and ball-gags like they used to! This one doesn’t even have the carnage of a massacre.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking the carnage of a massacre into women’s purses and bags.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by the carnage of a massacre around the building.



Smoke and fire everywhere
nc

This year’s hottest new fashion is smoke and fire everywhere on your head.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt smoke and fire everywhere in the sea.
Smoke and fire everywhere is the spice of the Dutch oven.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise leaving no trace by rewarding them with smoke and fire everywhere.
I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I'm afraid the president will tickle smoke and fire everywhere.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: smoke and fire everywhere.



Shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts
np

In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts one ounce at a time.
During the war, German scientists experimented with Jesus Christ to weaponize shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts in the soil.
I’m gonna prove the link between shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts and good people! You’ll all see!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts! She’s 62!
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about shoot machine guns at a woman's breasts and unknown assailants. Should I talk to him?



Skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies
np

I slowly crept up to her bed, whispering, “Get ready for skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies
How embarrassing! I forget I left skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies in the foyer.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies.
We have a zero tolerance policy for skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies here at Disney. So get cutting and get out!
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in skull robots trying to blast energy orbs at babies.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Skull Robots Trying to Blast Energy Orbs at Babies Co., tapping into the growing market for animalistic hunger.



Wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons
np

I tried to sneak out of the store with bad juju under one arm and wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons down my pants.
When the suspect’s car crashed, wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away on a flip.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons.
I am become a huge mountain, the destroyer of wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider wicked hover bikes equipped with energy cannons.



Some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous
n

My kid was acting like some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous, so I took away a mind-erasing kit privileges.
At Boeing R&D, we test some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous by connecting through “business” to a special 10,000-volt battery.
To change kitty’s litter: grab mashed vole, dig out any clumps, and refill with some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous.
Some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous saved is some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous earned.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found some guy wearing a cape and huffing nitrous in the walls at my office.



Soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians
n

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians.
The wall will go up and soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians will start behaving.
My favorite new band is “Learning an Important Lesson and Soldiers Gunning Down Fleeing Civilians”.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into soldiers gunning down fleeing civilians. It was not my lips you kissed, but a bus full of white children.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Soldiers Gunning Down Fleeing Civilians?



Rape magic
nc

The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a broken man went off early, ejecting rape magic into the air!
Our artisanal process ages a child taxidermy video for 3 years, before going right into rape magic, rapidly accidentally decking a cop in the head.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of rape magic.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s the immigrant experience in America in love with rape magic very much they do a... special hug.”
Meet me by the new modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s rape magic straddled by gross people.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me rape magic while we were still in the car.



A first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete
n

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Quiver of Love Arrows” and it helps me with a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete.
A first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete like this is enough to kill a horse!
Let’s wait for a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get muscles.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete on the porch to surprise the kids.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at the power-off switch and my card appeared in a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete!
The HOA says I can’t raise eerie silence on my property. Meanwhile no word about a first-rate Tae Kwon Do athlete at the Jones’s!



Better mind control techniques
np

Always walk into an interview with boiling hot manchowder and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate better mind control techniques.
Work better mind control techniques up until frothing before spreading across a little sarin gas, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of better mind control techniques on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
I think that ecstasy was cut with better mind control techniques. After one hit I began very, very rapidly self-cutting.
The city put in new road signs to indicate better mind control techniques just up ahead.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Better Mind Control Techniques” syndrome!



My dance of healing
n

I never expected to be fingered by my dance of healing.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of my dance of healing.
My religion demands that I must abstain from just a coincidence. My dance of healing however, is OK.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off a psychiatrist examining my behavior in the stands and then knocked my dance of healing off dilation of the uterus.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from my dance of healing.
We couldn’t land because of beautiful girl hair caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like my dance of healing.



Broccoli
nc

Slender and muscled, like broccoli. She was the spitting image of kicking the door down.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with broccoli.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with broccoli.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, broccoli, toilet paper, shelter, and sticker residue.
The 1940’s certainly had a thing about broccoli.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, broccoli emerged.



The toilet
nc

Last night I dreamed of the toilet. I cannot shake the feeling that omens will arrive soon.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as the toilet.
They said the toilet was out of my league, but look at me now! I've got the toilet... and then some!
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're the toilet!
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as the toilet surfaced from below.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got the toilet painted on both sides, which some say encourages a crack in the sky.



Your comfort zone
n

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me your comfort zone.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch your comfort zone at the girls camp.
When your comfort zone hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had your comfort zone removed so he could be nipple placement.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of a silent, anonymous encounter-loving bot that hates your comfort zone.
Here on the assembly line we heat your comfort zone to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is jammin’ bodies in the juicer.



Your past
nc

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with your past jumping and nipping at me from below and even falling into boiling water.
I came with your past to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought a bold move so nobody even noticed!
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put your past in the pillows.
I pushed hard enough to snap ribs, but some powerful kind of your past was blocking the door.
More armies need to incorporate your past into their uniforms.
My new phone looks like it’s your past but I don’t mind. It makes calls.



You. Just, you
nc

James Bond will return in “The Man With you. Just, you”!
The road of royalty is paved with you. Just, you, and awash with a cunt slap.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by you. Just, you.
Every French soldier carries you. Just, you in his knapsack.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not you. Just, you like your brother?”
Alexander also named a city in India “You. Just, You” after his dead horse.



Success
nc

The hardware store didn’t have success left, so I got claws.
Their rising all at once was as the sound of success heard remote.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Success Blast!
In Nevada you can pay for a lady getting on top, and staying on top with success.
In this 15th century painting, success is represented by a man with a tribal village for a head.
Last Christmas, everyone got a dollar under the tree and success in their stockings!



Hooter floss
nc

The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around hooter floss.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with hooter floss.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “hooter floss,” over and over again while in use.
Oh no! Someone rolled up hooter floss in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
Ha! You activated my trap card, “Getting Fat!” You’re cursed with hooter floss until the end of the game!
The rich aroma of hooter floss, from the hills of Colombia.



Four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts
np

That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Four-armed Skeletons Riding Blood Beasts,” the finest ship in the harbor!
Working on my car I found four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts in a very realistic way.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts and a Fedex full of a legless dog on a wheeled cart.
We can be four-armed skeletons riding blood beasts. And no one has to know.



A savage scream
n

For Halloween we’re peeling bloodlust so it feels like eyeballs, and we made a savage scream so it feels like brains.
Dagnabbit! I got a savage scream all jammed up in the wheel well again.
I was vacuuming when I sucked a hanging vine out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a savage scream came out too!
Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called fluids from my face, are the passages for a savage scream to flow.
Pure Love is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a savage scream.
No one in Morocco can be a savage scream without registering with the government.



A burnt pop-tart
n

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a burnt pop-tart onto the International Space Station.
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need a burnt pop-tart and hand-to-hand combat.
When a burnt pop-tart is ready, a strangler will appear.
The water tower looks like it’s a burnt pop-tart from this angle.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into a burnt pop-tart, get to the front of the line.
While you’re at the store can you pick up a burnt pop-tart, in family size?


What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Jun 5 at 19:02 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
My vaginal microbiome
n

Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with my vaginal microbiome hanging in the window.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with a savvy entrepreneur. So bring my vaginal microbiome.
The new summer blockbuster targeted at tweens features a girl with the roof and a mysterious boy who fights my vaginal microbiome.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, my vaginal microbiome appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
I buried my treasure under my vaginal microbiome so you’d never find it!
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of a surgical rotary saw, rubbery, cleaner poops, and my vaginal microbiome.

 
 
2017 Jun 6 at 15:49 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
Hello, 911? I think there's  {n} in my house...

Hello, 911? I think there's the trials of manhood in my house...
Hello, 911? I think there's an owl infestation in my house...
Hello, 911? I think there's an Easy-Bake™ oven in my house...
Hello, 911? I think there's a twisted horror body creeping down the stairs in my house...
Hello, 911? I think there's a Swiss murder suit in my house...
Hello, 911? I think there's a horrible proposition in my house...



Crest's Xtra Whitening toothpaste is made with  {n} by  .
Play 2

Crest's Xtra Whitening toothpaste is made with a gut by less candy than usual.
Crest's Xtra Whitening toothpaste is made with mercury poisoning by an asset.
Crest's Xtra Whitening toothpaste is made with multiple cameras by a swarm of dead insects.
Crest's Xtra Whitening toothpaste is made with white people and their fucking problems by somersaults.
Crest's Xtra Whitening toothpaste is made with the uncooperative dead by Lord Deathstroke.
Crest's Xtra Whitening toothpaste is made with no evidence of any infidelity by riding your bike down the Luxor.

 
 
2017 Jun 7 at 09:11 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 7 at 09:13 PDT
Taylor
2016 Apr 30 • 109
Death, slow and juicy
nc

When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add death, slow and juicy to the pan, while stirring constantly.
I scream, you scream, death, slow and juicy, almost no air left!
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring death, slow and juicy.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began death, slow and juicy.
I want to be buried with death, slow and juicy.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about muscles and death, slow and juicy. Should I talk to him?

 
 
2017 Jun 7 at 10:43 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 317
11 ₧
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as  .

I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as catchin’ heat for sellin’ a piece of ass.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as this half of the planet.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as turning around when you see your ex.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as repair service.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as a protruding vein.
I’m terrible at goodbyes, but not as terrible as between your legs.



And the Lord God said, “Behold,   is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”

And the Lord God said, “Behold, an unclothed manikin is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, an old, Asian martial arts master is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, a hose is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, ass is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, an improvised explosive device is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”
And the Lord God said, “Behold, talent and poise is become as one of us, to know good and evil.”



''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was  , and Hell followed with him.

''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was organizing children to join armies, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was proving she’s a witch, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was lying perfectly still, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was reasonable stereotypes, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was milking a buffalo, and Hell followed with him.
''And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was enough height, and Hell followed with him.



You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as  .

You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as a box of wine.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as a wimpy tornado.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as elastic action.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as the first blush of womanhood.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as a small angry cloud.
You don't treat women as anything other than shapely bosoms when you clearly have other interests, such as forgetting about the whole universe.

What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Jun 7 at 21:02 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 7 at 21:03 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 317
11 ₧
Unshaved men hooting and hollering
np

Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw unshaved men hooting and hollering flavor and then money flavor.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as unshaved men hooting and hollering surfaced from below.
It was awful, in the middle of having sex unshaved men hooting and hollering leaked out of my butt.
Unshaved men hooting and hollering has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been being a bad little boy. The snail may have escaped unshaved men hooting and hollering by going underground.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out white guilt each day, put unshaved men hooting and hollering in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.



Barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring
vt

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring.
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring?
I looked up “undercooked meat” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring .
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring.
No one in Morocco can be barbarianing and possibly cosmos warring without registering with the government.



A sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica
n

A sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
On my way to work today, I had to swerve around a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica on the freeway.
At the Amazon Go store you can grab a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica and walk right out the door without eating feathers.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica.
How high do you have to be to enjoy military-themed porn in a sweaty guy really jamming out hard on the harmonica?



A hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust
n

Happiness: A hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust, welts, and no recourse.
On the assembly line we heat a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is screaming and barfing a little.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust and tried to attack it.
I was surprised to find bones in a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust. Is that normal?
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s an inattentive mother in love with a hot slurry of minerals drawn from the Earth’s crust very much they do a... special hug.”



An orbital space elevator
n

Chimps in the wild have been observed using an orbital space elevator to forage for food.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk an orbital space elevator.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in an orbital space elevator, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
Monopoly: $200 Worth of Taco Bell™ Edition comes with no black child and an orbital space elevator instead of houses and hotels.
On Ebay you can get an orbital space elevator but it comes in several tiny boxes.
The survey team detected an orbital space elevator at the work site so I threw insurance in my truck and drove straight there.



The girl next door
n

My car looks like it’s the girl next door but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got what makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth painted on both sides, which some say encourages the girl next door.
Oh no! Someone rolled up the girl next door in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore the girl next door in a very realistic way.
It's dangerous to leave the girl next door on the stairs.
I can’t believe you guys went swindling queers without me! Loop me in next time, I want the girl next door too!



an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”

A disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE

the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire

A rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government.
np

Thanks for a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government.. Now get out of my bed!
Ah, a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government. for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
Here on the assembly line we heat a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government. to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is juggling responsibilities.
I dug around for hours in the trash but never found a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government..
An even wider gap brings a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government. to a child’s face.
I chipped my tooth on a cornhole. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t a rag-tag group of rebels fighting an oppressive government..



Aaronjer’s latest perversion.
nc

Last Christmas, everyone got a royal fleet of galleys under the tree and Aaronjer’s latest perversion. in their stockings!
For my last meal I want George Clooney porn seasoned heavily with Aaronjer’s latest perversion..
At spring training a foul ball bounced off Aaronjer’s latest perversion. in the stands and then knocked toned thighs off a flea.
My nightly ritual involves self-cutting, Lord Deathstroke, and finally Aaronjer’s latest perversion. just as I fall asleep.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created Aaronjer’s latest perversion..
Shepherds in Scotland have used Aaronjer’s latest perversion. for years to keep the flock from blow.



Practicing for about a million years
v

Alexander also named a city in India “Practicing for About a Million Years” after his dead horse.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw practicing for about a million years for the first time!
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of things money can’t buy, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into practicing for about a million years.
Throughout human history, practicing for about a million years has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of practicing for about a million years.
The authorities followed the trail of practicing for about a million years, leading them straight to the suspect.



Being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys
v

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.
My favorite new band is “Too Much Milk and Being Overwhelmed by Frenzied Monkeys”.
This workplace has gone (0) days without being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.
Online trolls turned Microsoft’s teen girl AI into some kind of cooties-loving bot that hates being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.
Today you’re on the receiving end of being overwhelmed by frenzied monkeys.



Slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God
v

Although moving away from slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God proved effective for schools, the switch to mistreating the clitoris initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God!
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into Mom’s feet before slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God, with furiously caressing each other around the edges, and a deep cut on top.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m slipping the surly bounds of Earth and touching the hand of God.



Vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos
np

The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos” incident in the science lab.
Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: Vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos and those glorious gams.
Last Christmas, I gave you vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos. The very next day, you gave it away.
Howdy neighbor, love vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos! Let’s get black market organs sometime!
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed vicious turtles and rampaging Eskimos up and down the highway.



A billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill
n

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill if I wanted a new family.
The HOA says I can’t raise a loading screen on my property. Meanwhile no word about a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill at the Jones’s!
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill in the back seat.
This year’s hottest new fashion is a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill on your head.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by a billionaire who devotes his fortune to cosplay and beating up the mentally ill.



The power of love
n

I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me the power of love while we were still in the car.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into tight clothes. It was not my lips you kissed, but the power of love.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re the power of love and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
The wall will go up and the power of love will start behaving.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of the power of love.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “The Power of Love and You”.

What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Jun 7 at 21:06 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 317
11 ₧
An elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”
n

Great job on the proposal for shimmying up the pole, Dave! You're in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”. The driver was neglecting a spike.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights””.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights”.
The city put in new road signs to indicate an elaborate political mess boiled down to the concept of “State’s Rights” just up ahead.



A disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE
n

I’d like to wear a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE but it takes all day to put on.
Shepherds in Scotland have used an emaciated bovine for years to keep the flock from a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE.
I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha!
Senator, I trust you enjoyed a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
The cineplex has been using a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to a disheveled man roaming an office building KILLING EVERYONE.



The seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire
n

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire like I was really there.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as a wailing infant equipped with the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire.
When the celestial spheres align, the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire will descend from the heavens.
The seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up the seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire on the porch to surprise the kids.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? The seeds for the eventual rise of the evil Empire.

What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Jun 7 at 21:09 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 7 at 21:10 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 317
11 ₧
Costumed vigilantes
np

This workplace has gone (0) days without costumed vigilantes.
We can be costumed vigilantes. And no one has to know.
Stay out of that lake! costumed vigilantes will shoot up your urethra!
I saw witnesses down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be costumed vigilantes with us.”
My dream house has an even stupider idea built in, an extra garage for wriggly little worms, and costumed vigilantes for the door bell.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re into costumed vigilantes, get to the front of the line.



A burnt, mustardy smell
n

Although moving away from a burnt, mustardy smell proved effective for schools, the switch to really bad teeth initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
I pushed hard enough to snap a burnt, mustardy smell, but some powerful kind of nuclear warfare was blocking the door.
I got a burnt, mustardy smell as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with lacerations?
In this game you get to collect retribution and craft a burnt, mustardy smell.
I looked up “a hunky, Adonis-like male figure” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a burnt, mustardy smell.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by a burnt, mustardy smell.



White people settling their differences through violence
np

At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as white people settling their differences through violence surfaced from below.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only white people settling their differences through violence and a nutty liqueur come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
I tried to sneak out of the store with white people settling their differences through violence under one arm and Fidel Castro’s beard and hat down my pants.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with white people settling their differences through violence.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began white people settling their differences through violence.
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, white people settling their differences through violence every single day.



A cyborg factory
n

It's dangerous to leave a cyborg factory on the stairs.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on a cyborg factory.
Though mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with a cyborg factory.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for a cyborg factory.
10% of all proceeds from sales of a cyborg factory will go to The Solutions Foundation.
A cyborg factory produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under clemency to keep warm.



A pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing
n

For my last meal I want a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing seasoned heavily with laughing with a mouth full of firecrackers.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing on the porch to surprise the kids.
If you do it right, ionizing radiation is all about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.
While I was out the Roomba got into a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing and was wafting upstairs.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. As a result, his men were well motivated.



  rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and  .
Play 2

you, ya dirty bum rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and bucking.
my first time rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and counting the dead sons.
a fishy substance rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and a pussy, wet and dripping.
accusations rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and my unwanted child.
35-year-old high school students rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and a stain of unknown origin.
a crazed gunman rests at the apex of the first triad of victory, for it combines Mobility, Flexibility, and machine guns.



“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our  .”

“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our anger and shock.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our simple pleasures.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our PTSD.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our a ceremonial ribbon.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our alcohol.”
“We count thirty Rebel ships, Lord Vader, but they're so small they're evading our dirty spaghetti.”


What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Jun 8 at 06:08 PDT
Taylor
2016 Apr 30 • 109
Maybe a little too country
nc

Shepherds in Scotland have used maybe a little too country for years to keep the flock from acts of piracy.
I could tell maybe a little too country had ended up behind me when I felt a sudden pinch as I backed up.
I don’t need love because I’m maybe a little too country. Sorry mom!
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, maybe a little too country emerged.
In the first Battle of Maybe a Little Too Country he faced consensual S&M that ends in a gunshot, and with one great blow he split them in half.
The new bill before congress would mandate maybe a little too country in all K-through-12 classrooms.

 
 
2017 Jun 9 at 18:07 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 317
11 ₧
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like  .

I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like your idiot ideas.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like killing protesters.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like Latina queefs.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like just a video game.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like plasma.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like a car crash.

What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Jun 9 at 22:11 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by  ?

Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by heavy iron dildos?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by day-to-day affairs?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by a bullet hole?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by a secret exit?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by a big ol’ fruit?
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by slow diarrhea?



A sexy young wizard
n

I can’t believe you guys went riding your bike down the Luxor without me! Loop me in next time, I want a sexy young wizard too!
To change kitty’s litter: grab a new reality show, dig out any clumps, and refill with a sexy young wizard.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was a sexy young wizard.
Getting HUGE brings a sexy young wizard to a child’s face.
Don’t shake a sexy young wizard so hard, it’ll start compressed gas.
For my last meal I want a sexy young wizard seasoned heavily with a night of unrestrained passion.

 
 
2017 Jun 9 at 23:02 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5924
A hooker booger
n

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a hooker booger.
The cineplex has been using a hooker booger in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s a hooker booger.
The new artsy indie game “A Hooker Booger” is a deeply emotional exploration of unexpected penetration.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a hooker booger and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like sock puppets.
You spent all your food-stamps on a hooker booger?!

 
 
2017 Jun 10 at 12:38 PDT