SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions PART 2

General — Page 1 2 3 ... 73 74 75 [76] 77 78 79 ... 106 107 108
Taylor
2016 Apr 30 • 109
Dad's ass
nc

Dad's ass: It’s nature’s candy!
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all Dad's ass when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than Dad's ass.
My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti The-rope-my-pappy-hanged-his-self-with-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and Dad's ass.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find Dad's ass in the back seat.
The new top grade of gasoline has Dad's ass as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.

 
 
2017 Jun 10 at 13:02 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 10 at 13:03 PDT
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 307
11 ₧
Dat ass
nc

Senator, give us dat ass biannually and you’ll get our vote.
When the stadium was demolished it ejected dat ass, which hung in the air for days.
During routine surgery, the doctors found dat ass embedded in my abdomen.
I scream, you scream, dat ass, embalming the family pet early!
The water tower looks like it’s dat ass from this angle.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking dat ass onto the International Space Station.

What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
2017 Jun 11 at 19:45 PDT
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 553
175 ₧
A huge and wonderful jar of poison
n

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Whether I Did It Co., tapping into the growing market for a huge and wonderful jar of poison.
But I promised I would get my kids a huge and wonderful jar of poison for Christmas!
The wall will go up and a huge and wonderful jar of poison will start behaving.
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a huge and wonderful jar of poison.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a huge and wonderful jar of poison.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as a huge and wonderful jar of poison.



(Thank you Terry Pratchett)
 
 
2017 Jun 12 at 02:42 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Flicking the bean
v

Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s flicking the bean.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Flicking the Bean and You”.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into being too busy, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start flicking the bean.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a double-meat pizza. It made me feel like I was flicking the bean.
The hottest new crptocurrency is “Flicking-the-bean-coin” -- but it can only be used to purchase nosy neighbors!
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began flicking the bean.



Jumping in front of a truck
v

Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into jumping in front of a truck.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s jumping in front of a truck and I think I believe her!
Their rising all at once was as the sound of jumping in front of a truck heard remote.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began jumping in front of a truck.
I chipped my tooth on Satan’s latest abomination. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t jumping in front of a truck.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with bourbon and ball-gags went off early, ejecting jumping in front of a truck into the air!



Gravy + Savory Meat Bits
np

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and Gravy + Savory Meat Bits.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and Gravy + Savory Meat Bits can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
During the half-time show, a rip in Gravy + Savory Meat Bits exposed bathwater to the audience.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s Gravy + Savory Meat Bits.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare Gravy + Savory Meat Bits right at your table.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in Gravy + Savory Meat Bits. That’s supposed to help me with the yellow line down the middle of the road?!

 
 
2017 Jun 14 at 14:52 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Motioning at my crotch
v

Pundits agree it will take motioning at my crotch for the senator to win the election.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to motioning at my crotch, even before I put on my clothes.
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw giggling schoolgirls with cameras in the mirror! And it smelled like motioning at my crotch in there! I’m so scared!
Amtrak officials confirm motioning at my crotch would have prevented train derailment.
The thief was caught stealing a virus from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of motioning at my crotch.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re motioning at my crotch and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.



Cool sunglasses
np

They don’t make unrestrained passion like they used to! This one doesn’t even have cool sunglasses.
Mom, what’s cool sunglasses? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Cool sunglasses: It’s nature’s candy!
The new bill before congress would mandate cool sunglasses in all K-through-12 classrooms.
The city condemned our house after finding cool sunglasses in the crawlspace.
And on the 8th day God created cool sunglasses, and it was good.



A timebomb with 5 seconds remaining
n

Monopoly: Anorexia Edition comes with a timebomb with 5 seconds remaining and curious, probing tendrils instead of houses and hotels.
I’m sure I blew a timebomb with 5 seconds remaining in this napkin somewhere.
My girlfriend kicked a timebomb with 5 seconds remaining, and now she’s a felony. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
Apparently, “a Timebomb with 5 Seconds Remaining” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
A timebomb with 5 seconds remaining can only be killed by this sentence.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “a timebomb with 5 seconds remaining” incident in the science lab.

 
 
2017 Jun 14 at 16:12 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
A sign that says "No Teens"
n

Bumper sticker: My other ride is a sign that says "No Teens".
Ugh. I ate a sign that says "No Teens" last night and I’ve been trying to put on retribution all morning.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Sign That Says "No Teens"”! I shook his hand and it felt like a sign that says "No Teens".
If you do it right, a sign that says "No Teens" is all about electric sex.
I don’t think that even comes close to being a sign that says "No Teens".
So what I’m saying is we have a sign that says "No Teens" to thank for Obama’s America.

 
 
2017 Jun 14 at 16:55 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding drugs in  {n}, or by  {v}.
Play 2

Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding drugs in nine guys you fucked, or by getting wrapped around a tree.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding drugs in a male prostitute, or by running with a floppy, out-of-control hand.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding drugs in Mexican affairs, or by giving birth to a prosthetic baby.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding drugs in a forty foot Ferris wheel, or by conjuring.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding drugs in a dust bunny, or by making it weird.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding drugs in peanut butter in the mouth, or by pacifying all religions.



Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding  {n} in  {n}, or by  {v}.
Play 3

Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding my embarrasingly affectionate father in a quickie, or by taking it hard.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding a loose handrail in the mayor, or by baking onto the sidewalk.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding a remedy in the French crown, or by getting impregnated by an advanced robot.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding floaters in orange dye, or by making sure no one sees.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding napkins in Portuguese possessions, or by knowing hell.
Local news tonight: Find out if your teens are hiding an icy tomb in a vicious cupboard lesbian, or by subduing your cell-mate and making him your wife.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:20 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 15 at 12:20 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Drowning a raccoon
v

If you have a dream about drowning a raccoon, it meas you’re worried about just a video game.
10% of all proceeds from sales of a tug will go to The Drowning a Raccoon Foundation.
If drowning a raccoon were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Drowning a Raccoon.
All the best love stories include drowning a raccoon.
No more drowning a raccoon at Starbucks.



 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:26 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Guns
np

Let’s wait for guns to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get a large abscess.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was guns.
I was vacuuming when I sucked guns out from under the couch. I kept pulling until a violent episode came out too!
I scream, you scream, guns, a bag of tricks!
I heard you were talking about guns so I had to come over!
The patient kept screaming about “flipping over and spraying into the air”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and guns emerged!

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:26 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
A sock puppet
n

Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by a little spurt and a sock puppet.
Although moving away from a sock puppet proved effective for schools, the switch to ignoring his responsibilities initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
I ordered a sock puppet privately over the Internet so I can get better at crashing out of a window.
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring a sock puppet.
The Sword of Damocles was a sock puppet hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a sock puppet in the soil.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:28 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
A giant pair of scissors
n

I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a giant pair of scissors popped out!
At Boeing R&D, we test a loaded gun by connecting through a giant pair of scissors to a special 10,000-volt battery.
It's dangerous to leave a giant pair of scissors on the stairs.
I’d like to wear a giant pair of scissors but it takes all day to put on.
Opinions are like a giant pair of scissors. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
My religion demands that I must abstain from a giant pair of scissors. One mile of train rail however, is OK.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:29 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Meat and cheese
nc

Meat and cheese has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
It’s not delivery. It’s meat and cheese.
In this 15th century painting, meat and cheese is represented by a man with my sexy fox costume for a head.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like meat and cheese.
Pool rules: No running. No almost no air left. Keep meat and cheese out of the deep end.
Our artisanal process ages meat and cheese for 3 years, before going right into a heron, rapidly putting up with you.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:29 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
The dog's tail
n

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was the dog's tail.
I didn’t think this house would sell with the moron I hired to kill you in the attic. Anyway, I’m the dog's tail.
Back in my day, we only had the dog's tail for a leaf blower and we LIKED IT.
How high do you have to be to enjoy the dog's tail in non-human animals?
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began the dog's tail.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was the dog's tail and tried to attack it.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:30 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
A guy with no arms and no legs
n

Everything I need to live on a desert island: Mom and Dad with a guy with no arms and no legs.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a guy with no arms and no legs.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell a guy with no arms and no legs after 8pm, or on holidays like Ideas Above Your Station Day.
Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a guy with no arms and no legs.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock a guy with no arms and no legs and a little spurt in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
I tried this very house but it was too tight. Then I tried a guy with no arms and no legs but it was TOO LOOSE.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:31 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
A sex bot with real feelings
n

Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called those glorious gams, are the passages for a sex bot with real feelings to flow.
In this game you get to collect undercooked meat and craft a sex bot with real feelings.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a sex bot with real feelings.
After 6 grueling years, my partner and I have created a sex bot with real feelings.
Pundits agree it will take a sex bot with real feelings for the senator to win the election.
My pharmacist separated the S.W.A.T. team into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a sex bot with real feelings.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:32 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Narcotics
np

The night before Easter, we’ll set up narcotics on the porch to surprise the kids.
The ‘infinite sausage moth’ has adapted to feed on a big surprise, and hide under narcotics in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and narcotics coming right at us. Please advise.
Narcotics is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just getting busy. Sorry.
What will we do with narcotics early in the morning?
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Narcotics” syndrome!



My awaiting mouth
n

My awaiting mouth: It’s nature’s candy!
Hark! What my awaiting mouth through yonder window breaks?
For my last meal I want my awaiting mouth seasoned heavily with a needle.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me my awaiting mouth while we were still in the car.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into my awaiting mouth and stopped.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with my awaiting mouth.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:33 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Being female
v

As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began being female.
10% of all proceeds from sales of simple pleasures will go to The Being Female Foundation.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with being female! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into being female! She’s 62!
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of being female in its food processing operations.
I got so drunk last night that I got being female all over everyone and everything.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:34 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 15 at 12:35 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Sinus fluids
np

At the Amazon Go store you can grab sinus fluids and walk right out the door without hiding some pee.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Sinus Fluids?
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling sinus fluids. The driver was spinning like a bitch.
Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value sinus fluids more. Now hold still.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about sinus fluids.
In a world with Earth’s orbit slapping everything, one man must overcome sinus fluids. Coming this summer.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:36 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Getting nauseous
v

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always getting nauseous. Always.
Ever since the incident with getting nauseous I’ve been haunted by a stupid student.
How did I get hurt? I got my foot caught in a bucket of my hot little hands, tumbled down the escalator and crashed into getting nauseous.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find getting nauseous so relaxing.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw getting nauseous.
The road of royalty is paved with getting nauseous, and awash with a serious scuffle.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:37 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
An emoji
n

Their rising all at once was as the sound of an emoji heard remote.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember an emoji?”
In the first Battle of an Emoji he faced half a spider, and with one great blow he split them in half.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s an emoji.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “An Emoji,” the finest ship in the harbor!
No one in Morocco can be an emoji without registering with the government.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:38 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
At the fair this year I'm going to get  {n} deep fried.

At the fair this year I'm going to get the most intimate details of your life deep fried.
At the fair this year I'm going to get a rocket with a mouse strapped on deep fried.
At the fair this year I'm going to get a hysterical dame deep fried.
At the fair this year I'm going to get a real butt-toucher deep fried.
At the fair this year I'm going to get a caged madman deep fried.
At the fair this year I'm going to get a twisted horror body creeping down the stairs deep fried.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:40 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Getting dusted with powdered sugar
v

Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as machine gun fire, score points by getting dusted with powdered sugar, and innocent women and children shall not be on the field.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with a reception area for social events went off early, ejecting getting dusted with powdered sugar into the air!
I’m gonna prove the link between getting dusted with powdered sugar and a perfect vacuum! You’ll all see!
I want to say one word to you, just one word: getting dusted with powdered sugar.
Getting dusted with powdered sugar! Getting dusted with powdered sugar! My kingdom for getting dusted with powdered sugar!
The rich aroma of getting dusted with powdered sugar, from the hills of Colombia.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:41 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
This machine grinds  {n} into powder. The powder is then used to make  {n}.
Play 2

This machine grinds a Secret Service agent into powder. The powder is then used to make a rough testicle.
This machine grinds passive-aggressive tendencies into powder. The powder is then used to make more blood.
This machine grinds death math into powder. The powder is then used to make corporate America.
This machine grinds a coma into powder. The powder is then used to make 19 cannons.
This machine grinds sugar from my father into powder. The powder is then used to make an underwear shoot.
This machine grinds a virus into powder. The powder is then used to make the atom.

 
 
2017 Jun 15 at 12:42 PDT — Ed. 2017 Jun 15 at 12:42 PDT
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 5922
Proof I pooped
nc

Her inheritance was squandered upon the alpha male while Cinderella was abused and forced to become proof I pooped in her own home.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with proof I pooped.
At my 9th birthday, we had an even wider gap piñata that burst open showering proof I pooped on us kids.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they're proof I pooped!
Today you’re on the receiving end of proof I pooped.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of proof I pooped.

 
 
2017 Jun 16 at 21:08 PDT
jeff is wizlord

2014 Nov 12 • 279
Slurping up the umbilical cord
v

I want to say one word to you, just one word: slurping up the umbilical cord.
Music without the sounds of slurping up the umbilical cord is hardly music at all.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore slurping up the umbilical cord in a very realistic way.
I chipped my tooth on a gasoline enema. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t slurping up the umbilical cord.
I’ve finally got the last of a cat in a paper bag out of slurping up the umbilical cord.
Although moving away from my momma’s fatness proved effective for schools, the switch to slurping up the umbilical cord initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.

 
 
2017 Jun 16 at 21:08 PDT